Presence 36: I am sitting on the bench with these charged emotions (#benching)

Going in to meditation, and paying unconditional attention to the felt-perception in me (usually ‘anxiety’ (fear) with anger and grief wrapped round it), I still am finding unresolved stories to work with, with regards to my childhood. Today: the day trips out with my Dad, and without my Mum. The heartache at leaving her loving presence behind, and the sense of ‘unprotectedness’. Also, the needing to keep Dad happy (usually with 100% attention, praise, ‘thank you, Daddy!’, clapping, listening……) and to offset his hair-trigger temper. The protecting my siblings, (I would sit in the middle because I was biggest – I can still see my brother’s jeans and little trainers dangling next to me) and feeling gutted for them when they did something to evoke his ire. The bitter shame and humiliation each of us felt when we were the one to trigger his fury. He was so condemning and so Vesuvian. So childish in his failure to regulate his emotions – yet so immense in his form and the power of his voice. His shaking fury – mixed, unfathomably with his alter ego – the storyteller and maker of magic…. who needed all your attention, approbation and praise…. or else Vesuvius would come back in an instant.

Oh it’s exhausting that this is still in the system. I’ve done so much work on this.

Did you go in and Inner Parent? 

I did. I sat in the front seat of the old family car (next to my Dad who was driving) and reassured the 3 kids that they were good, wonderful children. And that, they wouldn’t always have to sit in the car in this way… I’m not sure I got full break through. Your thoughts?

You reached these insights, and healed some unintegrated memories, through sitting in a state of ‘reading the Room’. You initially read the actual room you are sitting in, and then as that settled, you could go in and read the interior room of your Inner Self.

It’s good stuff. I sat in meditation for 30 mins with no timer or app… Just alive to my felt-perception and my breathing… Until my inner being starting sending me memories to work with. And all I had to do was be with them, and then go in and Parent my younger Me.

Does this work ever complete?

As long as you are feeling discomfort, there’s Work to be done. 

But, hang on…. I work in conflict and mental health => discomfort. And the days we are living in are just … tormented. Yesterday (Halloween) a new month-long national lockdown was announced. Brexit talks are running to shit – as per… The US presidential election is more dysphoric that you could make us.

Y’all selected Fast Track. Y’all asked to help bring about peace on Earth. Y’all offered yourselves as Earthing rods for peace. Y’all requested to burn up your karmic debts in this life. Y’all knew that there is nothing more enthralling than being at the leading edge of creation – and that this requires consciousness, awakening. 

The work of vibrational awareness (via felt-perception) is the work of sloughing off sleepiness. It’s the work of unconditional awareness, and unconditional love. 

You’re in the deepest mire of space-time history, and that can be viewed in one of two diametrically-opposed ways: 

  1. A disaster – the ‘end of the world’ – the apocalypse – something to be fled from – something to disassociate from and judge
  2. A blessing – the end of the old world, and the birth of the new – something to run towards- something to associate with and serve

Ha! I’m reminded of a very moving (8m) video I saw yesterday…

The ‘extreme cleaner’, Maxine, is the most beautiful soul. “I love clutter!” She looks round the cluttered house with the owner, John, with complete compassion, warm, humour and non-judgement… “This is a mammoth task”  she says, and leaps in with 100% love for John. Here are some comments on YouTube:

The cleaner has a beautiful soul. She’s very caring. That’s important.
stop saying we need more person like her but instead say “I can be that person.”
This is the model, isn’t it? Maxine models View 2 in your list of ways of viewing the world in these times.
Are you indicating to yourself that… living in ‘Heaven’ might not be as stimulating and rewarding as living on ‘Earth in challenging times’? 
Aha… Maybe I am. 🙂 But you’ve got to have good boundaries, don’t you? I got side-swiped by a client messaging me about domestic abuse over the weekend. I eventually had to go to bed…. I didn’t want to answer because ‘weekend’ but equally it knocked me empathically….
Listen a minute. 
Remember the message of A Course in Miracles. 
Something like this by David Hoffmeister: “The Holy Spirit is the decision to Awaken by realizing that the past is over, and the ego is the decision to continue sleeping by retaining the past in memory. These are decisions of mind and are not decisions “in the dream.” These are decisions about which “lens” is used to view the cosmos/self. The Holy Spirit’s “lens” is a present moment decision and opens the way for “…God to take the final step.” In Reality God does not “take steps,” yet this is but another way of describing “remembering Creation” or “remembering Knowledge” or “remembering Oneness.””
In essence: each of us is holy, innocent, complete, sinless. And our role is to see our brother and our sister in that light.
“I am innocent” is the saying of the week for Week 5 of The Presence Process.
This day is the day of Awakening. Awakening hurts because the ego longs to sleep (because it believes itself to be guilty, unable to ‘atone’), and so  it gives you feelings of discomfort when you attempt to rouse from your dream. Awaken your mind anyway! Sit with the discomfort and the story of guilt, for it will eventually drain away. Awaken. Awaken. Awaken to what is Now. 
Oh yes… and of course, right Now…. nothing is happening. Invariably.
So learn to handle ‘nothing happening’ because again, your ego adores ‘action’ and huffs and puffs at ‘nothing happening’. Nothing happening is the doorway. That is why your lockdown periods are so valuable for the collective this year. Let ‘no thing’ happen. Sit with that. Did the Buddha attain enlightenment by going to workshops, or ‘doing’ anything? No! So, stop. Learn to handle – and then drink in – Present Moment Awareness. This is the next lesson. 
MB calls it ‘benching’ – sitting on the bench and just being with the feelings til they pass. Completely unconditionally. Saying ‘this feeling is what is necessary for this moment’.
The Present Moment is the great healer. Look at your next chapter in TPP. 
Ha! Yes. Perfect.
Our Conscious Response for the Next Seven Days is:
So your work is to sit with those charged emotions. No flipping out. No denying. No suppressing. Get on the bench and sit with all that is in you. 
This feels like good work. If I can embrace this work, like Maxine embraces the clutter, I can do some good clearing out.
You don’t even need to have that aim of ‘clearing out’. Sit with, sit with, sit with. Love to sit with… don’t count or resent the minutes of sitting on the bench with your charged emotions. Trust the process of integrating-by-feeling. Bless your ability to feel. For to feel is to heal. And to heal is to recognise we were never actually either wounded, or even a wounder. 
I am sitting on the bench with these charged emotions 
Watching this beautiful doc:
This is benching………. <3

And this is the original meaning in a way….