Month: October 2018

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MEDS Day 35: Today I am acting expediently, with the end in view

The Best Bit about playing the Best Bit game was the sheer inner relaxation it brought. I learnt that in each moment, often the Best Bit is exquisitely sensory and physical:

  • the warmth and cosiness inside the car
  • the feeling of my scarf across my lip
  • the sight of the clouds across the blue sky
  • the twinkle of autumnal leaves gleaming in the sun
  • the softness of my jacket on my arm
  • the stillness in me
  • the peace and quiet
  • the sound of my father’s voice
  • the feeling of my father’s jumper as I put my hand on his shoulder as I pass him by
  • the sight of my father and step-mother taking each other’s hands so lovingly

In contrast, the Past/Future Thinking of the Problem Factory (brain) is often enervating and aggravating. It is always pointing to something tantalisingly out there and untouchable… unless one consciously brings the thought so close to home that the body can feel it. Naturally, this is commonly done with anxiety-inducing thoughts. How well can we do this physicalisation and embodiment with positive, heart-opening thoughts? Not so easy.

But the present moment has so many soft and comforting and immediate gifts to soak up. Once our mind gets behind the concept of the Best Bit game and throws itself in to scanning the scene for the most warming, inner-smile inducing aspect, then we are away!

The Best Bit of this moment is: I’m comfy in bed writing this and all is well. Ahhh… Breathe out. Absorb that knowing… Relaxing, eh?

So today…. Best Bits ahoy…

Yes, what will be the Best Bits of your day ahead?

*Arghh..gurgle…recoil…reel…* Ehem, let me collect myself. Can you spot my anxiety about the Stuff To Be Done? I enjoyed playing Best Bit across a day in which I went to visit my parents, and help out a bit… Most of it was spent in the car. I’d rented out my will to others, in a lovely, gentle way. It was nice to be helpful and involved. We sorted out family photos. What bliss. But a day where I am back to single-handedly steering the catamaran across the ocean… I almost fall over with anxiety. The list is so long. I am so resistant… PDA… Dodging bullets… Unanswered messages…

Stop there. It’s ok. It’s all ok. You are heard. It’s all ok. Be still, soft and gentle to yourself again. Take yourself in hand and reassure yourself. We shall make a plan. 

Breathe in…. out…. Yes please. I’m ready to move forward….

We’re looking at a longer term plan than this day or week. Is that ok?

If you think I’ll stick to it.

It’s going to be simple. It’s going to set you up for the best 2019 you could (or literally, ‘can’) dream of. It’s not about pressure. It’s about placing your Scrabble tiles on the Triple Word squares… Not out of greed, avarice, covetousness, dear soul. But out of expediency. 

Let’s revise that word…

Expediency: the quality or state of being suited to the end in view (Ref) 

Expedient: a means of achieving a particular end (Ref) 

Synonyms: advisability, advisableness, desirability, desirableness, expedience, judiciousness,prudence, wisdom 

Actions that are ‘suited to the end in view’. I like that.

What is ‘the end in view’ for you at the moment? 

A healthy, happy, helpful working life, I reckon. Yes, that’s what I want, to feel like my working life is ‘health, happy and helpful’. I like that. And I’ll know if it’s working for me and for others, because if it is, it will support me comfortably…

Hm… Why do I still retract internally (very subtly) at the prospect of ‘comfortably’ supporting myself? Please. Help me with this. It’s got to be healed. Why am I afraid to feel comfortable and safe?!

There’s a hesitancy to live fully and take your place on Earth. 

Why?

Karmic trails… 

How to heal them?

Trust. In this life you shall learn about ‘trust’. 

Hm. That’s for sure. What is the next step?

To trust that placing your tile on the Triple Word score square will not bring you down or decimate you, dear being of love. To trust that the universe truly does have your back. 

Like my [partner] does.

YES. 

Ty. So to act expediently means to act with the end in mind, or in view… maybe view is better, less foggy, more sensory. Ah, yes, ‘a state suited to the end in view’… ‘ a means of achieving a particular end.’ It’s ok to go for the healthy, happy, helpful worklife… It’s ok to go for the Triple Word score squares…

The game of Scrabble is precisely all about going for the Triple Word score squares. Dear heart, you can’t offer 3 point words, while withholding your Z, J and X, and hope to have a good feeling as you play. It’s no fun for your playing partner either. Trust that information. Now, pray, mediate, and then write the phrase for the day. You are loved. 

[MED – Glenn Harrold – Mindfulness for Releasing Anxiety – Insight Timer]

OK. That was lovely and clarifying. This is what I think:

The end in view: health, happy, helpful worklife, which supports me comfortably

The links in the chain between ‘here’ and the end in view:  to settle down with 12 Cherished Clients (my 12 Triple Word score squares – because they are big enough orgs to be repeat clients), with whom I build a trusting 2-way, long-term relationship, and can become part of their communities.

The expedient next steps towards the end in view:

  1. to produce the materials I want the 12 Cherished Clients to keep on their wall for when they need me
  2. to map out who the 12 Cherished Clients are, and what they need from me, and meet them
  3. to plot my steps of connection with them (eg offering the lunchtime trainings)

Lovely. Excellent work. By when?

End of 2018.

Perfect. You’ll need a big piece of paper. 

Good. I shall get one.  Ty for this, dear part of me which knows and cares and takes care of me. I am learning to trust you and it all. Amen.

Today I am acting expediently, with the end in view

And ‘the end’ (goal) is a healthy, happy, helpful work-life, via 12 Cherished Clients (triple word score squares). All is well. 

Later:

The Scrabble analogy is so good. Look at how tightly we play now.

Here are the guidelines I think we play Scrabble by now:

  1. Build on others’ letters as much as possible, rather than play a new word, because in making a longer word out of a shorter word, you reclaim their points too. You get more bang for your buck out of each letter tile you place. In other words: focus on building on the achievements of others (respectfully – ‘shoulders of giants’) and stop trying to show-off your unique individual prowess with something new and isolated.
  2. Aim for the score-boosting squares as an absolute priority, rather than accidentally/inadvertently stumbling on them along the way. In other words: the landscape is laden with helpful stepping stones – hop on them gratefully!

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Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES 

Glenn Harrold – Mindfulness for Releasing Anxiety – Insight Timer – 23 mins

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? NO… none.. 🙁 Such a missed opportunity

#STEPS : 500?

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? NO

MORNING: Scrambled eggs; parsnip soup with an egg

EVENING: cod, tomatoes, peas, a few chips

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO

Screens off:    12.45am      Lights out: 12.45am

Wake up the next day:       9am             Total sleep: awake a lot in the night with anxiety…
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MEDS Day 34: Today I am playing the Best Bit game

Tara Brach

Yesterday, in Sovereign mode, I found myself a great game to play. I called it Best Bit. It game out of discussing (with my partner) the factor of our choosing where we place our attention at any given moment. I recalled the story of Jesus and the dead dog with beautiful white teeth, told in Muslim texts:

‘Jesus and his disciples were walking down a narrow alley, and they came upon the body of a rotting dog. His disciples tried not to look at it as they passed, gagging and making comments of disgust. Jesus, however, knelt down and looked at the dog for a long moment. Then he said, “Praise be to God, it has such beautiful white teeth.” (Source of this account)

So the challenge is to ask ourselves, “Where are the ‘beautiful white teeth’ in this moment… and this… and this?” There will be some, somewhere, gleaming. Over the course of the evening, my game evolved into my using this phrase: “The best bit about this moment is….” 

  • I’m sitting next to my beloved.
  • I am listening to someone playing the piano, live in front of me.
  • I don’t need to do anything at all.
  • The silence.
  • My beloved smells like ‘home’.
  • The road ahead is completely clear.
  • I accidentally left my bedroom heater on and now it’s cosy.

It gave me such a warm sense of wellbeing and abundance. It seemed to take me back to the state of childhood when the mind was somehow poised to anticipate the next delight… The ‘best bits’ of each moment seemed to glimmer gently and vie for my attention. I woke up in the night and, rather than letting the parade of ‘ugh’ thoughts shimmy past my consciousness, I turned to the same phrase: “The best bit about this moment is….I’m cosy in bed… I don’t have to get up for 4 hours… ” And then when I finally woke up for the day, I listed the Best Bits about the day ahead: “I’m seeing Dad today!”

Beautiful. Let this game (White Teeth; Best Bit) be your focus for today. To shine the headlamp of your attention on any matter is to invite its growth and proliferation. So, yes, aiming your headlamp consciously and wisely is about the best gift you can give yourself. 

They say where your attention goes energy flows… (example)

Exactly. So focussing on the Best Bit of your current reality is a perfect way to enhance the good that is already present. This is an excellent alternative to visioning the as-yet un-manifested elements of life, which can seem so far away we become tempted to strain for it (nb: letting go of straining). Spotting and growing the Best Bit about this moment (and this and this) is such a soft, playful game. An excellent way to hone our perspective.

Awesome.

Today I am playing the Best Bit game.

“The best bit about this moment is….”

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Later:

I’m realising, the Best Bit game is powerful, effective, welcome re-training for the brain which lived in amygdala hijack for some many years, and was constantly poised to spot the next threat. This game is the loving, playful antidote to cPTSD. I’m so glad and grateful to be at this point, and to have learnt all I have learnt to get here. I’m so glad to be getting accustomed to scanning the horizon for the glimmers and twinkles, instead of the red flags and sabre-toothed tigers. Yes! This realisation is the best bit of this moment!

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This Tara Brach meditation was perfect, especially starting with the inner smile. I am reminded (oh how forgetful we humans are!), that happiness and peace and wellbeing and satisfaction and fulfilment are very subtle states. You can’t bring the problem-smashing sledgehammer to the peace party. It don’t work that way. And to get to the subtle states, one must spend a lot of time in stillness… And, we most acutely spot the Best Bit of any moment in that same still, subtle state. We tend to glimpse and discern the very Best Bit out of the corner of our eye. ?

A surprising realisation: there is so much comfort to be drawn in the actuality of each moment. ❣️

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES – Tara Brach on Insight Timer app … and a talk by her. Deep, wise soul.

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? NO

I drove to Oxford and back over the day, and didn’t factor exercise time in. I realise it might have been best to prioritise a mindful Exercise session of 20 mins over the 20 min Meditation on a day with long contemplative car drives.

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? SO NEARLY!

DRY today? Y E S – I’m so pleased. 

MORNING: My muesli, nuts, berocca. Lunch of ham, salad, frankfurter, pasta (little bit), cheese. 100% choc

EVENING: chicken soup (from a pot) and sauerkraut. Excellent & light. Liquid supper is good, especially if eating late.

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – too wound up from lovely trip

Screens off:     11     Lights out: 11.30

Wake up the next day:        7            Total sleep: 7.5h
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MEDS Day 33: Today I am a sovereign being

I loved the ‘letting go’ practice. It was so wholesome and healthy and ‘undoing’ of tension.

Today, before my 45min long meditation, I set myself these questions, riffing slightly with the notion of the Lasting Power of Attorney:

⭐️ How can I best support my body and brain health and wellbeing for the long term, in the coming week? How best can I secure my financial stability  for the long term, in the coming week?

This is what came through:

Say and affirm: I am a sovereign being. I am sovereign. I am self-governing. I am self-ruling. I am queen of my own country. I am the peace-maker within my own land. I am the sole decision-maker and arbiter across the vast landscapes of my own health, well-being, home and finances. I have the power to choose and decide. My rule is sovereign and complete. My will is upheld. I am the captain of my own ship and the queen of my own country. Amen. 

Yes… This.

Today I am a sovereign being.

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Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES – 45 min guided med by Rasa Lukosuite – gorgeous

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – a walk round the park & then Movements class

#STEPS: c6k

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY – fell at the last hurdle (bedtime)…

DRY today? NO

MORNING: Coffee

EVENING: Late lunch at 3pm – lunch was perfect low-carb high fat: bed of cabbage, oxtail stew and a few roasted sweet potatoes perched on top. Later, some pork scratchings. Just before bed….. V&DC, crackers, cheese, butter – gave me a very broken, wakeful, unsettled night.

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – tho I could have been! 

Screens off:    12      Lights out: 12

Wake up the next day:        7            Total sleep: 7h
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MEDS Day 32: Today I am letting go

NDE

The Breathing project is one I will need to keep working with. I realised yesterday, sometimes, I go without breathing! I think it had become worse because I had a cold for a fortnight or so. But really…. I will do well to really work with this over time. (As Mum always said, “Keep breathing in and breathing out!”)

With beautiful synchronicity, the first person I met at lunch yesterday, at the conference on the Value of Death, was a woman wanting to become an EOL Doula, who currently is a health research academic, and a yoga/breath teacher, wanting to bring her breath work to people at the end of life. I wanted to ask her more about the breath work… but really I know what the answer is: it’s about doing more practice of yoga, and qigong, and yogic breathing. This woman spoke beautifully about the unity of mind and body attained through yoga, allowing one to become quiet enough internally to get closer to those unseen, unknown dimensions. This was in conversation with a professor of Healing, who spoke about his research with ‘white witches’ and healers, people who simply seem to have better access to the unseen, integrated realms… Yes, if I can remind and reassure myself that healthy breathing is about (or offers a route towards) integrating one’s vision with the unseen world, I think I’ll have the motivation to overcome the discomfort that arises when one starts the practice! I know what my inner heart is looking for…

I’ve had a beautiful morning just reading Reality Transurfing (p545-574). There is so much there, especially on relationships, on ‘pendulums’ and on conflict. Here is the tiniest nutshell summary of what I surmised this morning, and would like to remember, in my words, not Vadim Zeland’s:

  1. Give what you would get (Frailing rule – let go of the intention to receive, & replace it with the intention to give; we are all seeking self-worth)
  2. Live and let live (Transurfing rule – reject the pendulum rule of ‘Do as I do’; be authentic and let others be authentic too; never try to change someone; drop importance)

I reflected on how I had separated myself from mainstream expectations in many ways, not on philosophical grounds, but because of my inability to tolerate certain arenas of life (eg of mainstream workplaces) and because excessive jazz-handing had brought me such strong ‘balanced forces’ (eg breakdown), but that nonetheless I haven’t fully walked away from the edge of the arenas, or owned my own truth at full expression… How better can I work with the Give and Live principles I state above, in order to better connect to the intention of my heart?

Your reality is constantly a reflection of your relationship to your heart and it’s intention. When you feel like you are straining, it is because you are walking in the opposite direction to your heart’s intention. You can get quite addicted to that straining sensation, and mistake it for the feeling of Working Hard. Only, the heart doesn’t seek to Work Hard. The forces of opposition are those that lead you to believe the illusion that hard work leads to freedom. Learn, dear one, to associate ‘Straining’ with the fact that you are thus walking in the opposite direction of the way of your heart. 

I genuinely feel that if I didn’t strain and hustle I would never get my work off the ground.

Lo ves? If you are honest, would you not admit that the best elements of your work have come to you indirectly, rather than as a direct result of your straining? In fact, we would even say that they have come to you ‘in spite of’ your straining. 

But all the teachings say 1) intend 2) act.

Many of the teachings will tell you that the ‘acting’ should feel affirming of the ‘prayer answered’. Sometimes you might make the request for, say, ‘a castle’, and then start earnestly digging the soil in the wilderness to excavate your own stone… 

Whereas you would suggest…?

Going for a stroll, so that you might stumble upon the castle. 

Ah. I see.

It’s about trust, isn’t it? Trust that we don’t have to do it all ourselves. Not ‘desperately hoping’ or ‘prayerfully willing it’… It’s about the poised sense of trust. Breathing through the arising sensations, with an underlying trust. 

I do have a tendency to try to control my reality. With efforting, jazz-handing, straining…

And your diligence is noted, loved, appreciated and adored, dear soul. Well done for all your steadfastness and stalwartness! 

And now we are here to tell you that physics (quantum physics) works differently to the way you think it does. When you pour your energy (diligence) into the system, you are not in fact stoking the flames of the steam engine boiler, as you think you are doing. In fact, you are creating ‘noise in the system’, dissonance, disruption, contestation, excess potential. You are creating leaks in the energy loops – energetic hernias, if you like. You are busting the gut of the system. You are blowing the gaskets of the internal engines. 

The true manifester of progress must lean back, lean out, like the sailor on the catamaran. This is trust. This is Gandhi meditating because there is so much to do. This is Churchill spending his wartime mornings in the bath. This is the seed spending time enough in the ground to put down roots. This is the tap root hitting the well of spring water.

‘Be still and know that you are God.’ 

Yes, trust. Trust in…?

Goodness. Wellness. Your self. The pure potential in every cell. The universe and its love for you. 

Without my straining.

Exactly. And instead, letting go of control of the script or the plan… Let go, let go, let go. Give when you would get. Be true to yourself, and let others do likewise. Trust, on the wings of faith. 

Ok, today I’ll work on the sensation of ‘letting go’. I’ll note when I’m straining, or trying to control the script, or efforting, or trying to pump-prime the system (and actually flooding it).  I’ll work softly with the tipping-over feelings of ‘vertigo’ that arise when I let go. Thank you. I am so grateful for these dialogues.

Nice. When you are appreciative of, or grateful for, something, you release control, even if for a second. You cannot ‘be grateful’ and ‘in control’ at the same time. So, you can always call on ‘appreciation’ to assist you in letting do today. Think of Abraham-Hicks’ ‘rampage of appreciation’ – that is a good game to play for getting in the ‘letting go’ mode.

Awesome. Thank you. <3 <3 <3

Today I am letting go

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A reminder arose later on in the day, from this NDE account by Jason Henry on Medium: https://medium.com/s/near-death-experiences/my-friend-choked-me-out-i-had-to-make-a-choice-4a3f44d914f6 (see images below).

The story reminded me that dying is essentially the enforced letting go of those old illusory reins on reality, and finding that all you were chafing for was always already resolved. Everything was always perfect. It was the human holding-on-to-control (or straining to achieve that impossible thing) that was the barrier between heaven and not. So…. the act of consciously letting go of the reins is a way towards sensing that bliss of release into perfection that people report at death. You’re dying to the old to be born to the new. Heaven is a place on Earth, as Belinda Carlisle wisely asserted.

?

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Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? NO

#STEPS – very few

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO 

DRY today? NO

MORNING: My muesli, moussaka & veg & sauerkraut

EVENING: Chicken, chips & beans (restaurant), V&DC, red wine, cider… (?!)

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – Sat night..

Screens off:    12      Lights out: 12

Wake up the next day:         8.30           Total sleep: 8h
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MEDS Day 31: Today I am breathing peacefully

I loved the sensation of swimming to shore on the tide. Beautiful and reassuring. It allowed me to take the edge off the pressure on myself along the day. I decided to give my talk at “50%” – and I think it helped me present better actually. I made decisions which would support my wellbeing, like not cancelling my GP appointment of today (which I was going to do because I got a ‘lucky ticket’ to go to a day-long conference today… so instead I’m going to go to the conference late morning now.)

It’s 9am. I’ve been awake since 3.30am, with a cortisol disco going on in my body! So much for the 10pm long sleep…! But the wakefulness gave time, at about 5am, for the heart to well up with that which needed to judder through it, and to call out prayerfully, and to affirm intentionally, and to weep out the pain, tension and distress I feel about this life we are all living. It’s such a hard run for so many, many people! May we be safe; may we be peaceful; may we be kind to ourselves and each other; may we accept ourselves and each other exactly as we are. (Kristin Neff)

Today I am going to a conference on The Value of Death. May I learn a great deal and be inspired, and meet the right people and find my place in this world. What is your advice for me today, dear heart of my soul?

How can you protect and enhance your health and your energy levels today? 

I can ask the GP to run tests!

Yes. That is good. How can you calm the cortisol system? 

Um, by breathing well? Stimulate the vagus nerve? Getting grounded wherever I am? Moving slowly and mindfully? Taking no more caffeine?

Today, steady, deep, rhythmic, comforting, gentle breathing is good. 

I will use the Insight Timer app today to work on my breathing, and see if I can get some regulation going on. Please God, may I do a good hearty walk this weekend, and fill my lungs, and give my heart a much-needed workout. May I give-in to good breathing habits.

Breathe is life. Think of it as prana – life-force. Drink in qi. Breathe in to those dear kidneys and adrenal glands. Softly. Slowly. Be peaceful. Breathe peacefully… and see what happens.

For those who intend to help and support others: gentle, successful, consistent self-regulation of the autonomous nervous system is the first port of call. ?

Today I am breathing peacefully

Image of sunset and text: a post by a dear, soulful friend (DLH), posted today. Serendipitous. ?

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Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES – not formally… :/

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? NO – a sedentary day

#STEPS  – not many

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO 

DRY today? NO

MORNING: My muesli, nachos in the car (I hadn’t had a big enough breakfast to see me through), GF sandwich & salad at the conference, fruit tea

EVENING: ready meal Moussaka (mucha patata), V & soda. Friday night partay..?

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? YES!!

Screens off:       10pm   Lights out: 10.30pm (with a sleeping pill)

Wake up the next day:           8am         Total sleep: 9.5h YES! Phew.
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MEDS Day 30: Today I am swimming to shore with the tide

So I did the prioritising thing yesterday… and sorted out my list, and categorised it in bunches of similar activities: 1, 1a, 2, 2a, 2b, 3, 3a (eg. 2a was for things that needed to be posted; 3 was anything to do with rates, quotes or invoices). But here’s the thing: my physical and mental energy is low. The guy opposite me at the co-working space was just pumping out phone calls, and they seemed to cost him no energy. I had three phone calls (2 interviews and a client call) and they wiped me out!

The idea behind ‘prioritising’ is to understand what you really need to prioritise. 

Well, I guess I need to prioritise my health and wellbeing.

And how would that change your To Do List? 

Interesting. I guess I would actually list/number/categorise the things I need to do for my health…

Almost. Beware making self-care the next chore on the list…

Oh, I know…! This:

  • I would set a much smaller To Do List (less threatening; more realistic)
  • I would take shortcuts to get things done (less perfectionist; more pragmatic)
  • I would say no to people (less obliging; more sustainable)
  • I would acknowledge what I can and can’t easily and effectively do each day (less idealistic; more self-compassionate)
  • I would schedule tasks in my calendar, so that I can take them off my dangling To Do List…! (better use of calendar)

Remember to ask yourself, “What am I aiming for?”

What am I aiming for? Three afternoon cases/sessions per week. At £x.

And for passive income?

Hmm? Ah… Yes. The books.

Focus, focus, focus… gratefully. Your capacity for gratitude is increasing, to your own benefit. Your suspicion is diminishing! Your belief is on the rise. You feel the tide of advantage picking you up and carrying you. Swim with the tide, dear soul. Swim with it, smilingly. See the land in the distance, and keep your eyes upon it. The tide will carry you in, if you but let yourself be carried by it. (aka: Stop swimming out to sea again!) Imagine your feet on solid earth again. Relish that anticipated sensation. Swim to shore, dear one, with the spring tide powering you forward. 

Today I am swimming to shore with the tide

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Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? NO – but 40 mins of Insight Timer talks while walking

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – walking to office and back

#STEPS: 9000

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? NO

MORNING: My muesli, chicken soup from Pret, Berocca drink, cup of tea

EVENING: salmon/egg/spinach pot from Pret, coconut bar from Pret, seaweed thins, celery and guacamole, G&T

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? YES!

Screens off:     9.45pm     Lights out: 10.10pm – Boom

Wake up the next day:          3.30am!!!!!!          Total sleep: 5hours!

 

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MEDS Day 29: Today I am prioritising

The ‘making progress’ feeling was good yesterday.

I had a successful conflict coaching case and then came home at lunchtime. Completely exhausted. A nap didn’t work, so I eventually deployed the ‘lying on the floor with legs on the bed’ technique for 15 minutes. It helped, and I got going. So much to do. The overwhelm could have grown, but once I got going, it improved. There’s just so much new stuff coming in at the moment. Complex new training commissions; invitations to contribute to (unpaid but interesting/meaningful) stuff; Christmas plans; financial things to sort out; interviews (today I’m speaking to GH magazine and the FT…). Maybe we’re all being swept up in the rip-tide of busy-ness. There is surely another way. There’s got to be. My body has absolutely no more beans left to service any further panic on the dance-floor…

Yesterday’s prioritisation system was good. ‘Here’s my list of actions, and here they are numbered in order of priority: Item 1, 2, 3…’

Yes, prioritising was good, though I ended up with a list of five ‘Item 0’s which I ended up squishing in as even more urgent than 1, 2 and 3!

Good. Do it again. A whole new list in your wonderful Planner. Bless yourself with the sequence of priorities. But for now…. today is a busy day. No more writing. Get to Priority Number 1, which is 20 mins of Meditation with Insight Timer, followed by a little stretch. And… go!

Today I am prioritising

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Kenneth Soares in Insight Timer
Kenneth Soares in Insight Timer

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES 

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – walking to office and back

#STEPS: 8909 (6km)

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET?  NEARLY

DRY today? YES

MORNING: My muesli, probiotics/NAC, chicken stew from Pret, 100% choc, Berocca drink, seaweed crisps

EVENING: steamed kale & quinoa (at 5pm), cottage pie ready meal at 8pm, G&T

Pleased about getting supplements back in. I think the probiotics are starting to help clear the gut microbiome. Must remember to keep adding fermented food eg simply sauerkraut, ACV water. Get some cocount kefir? It’s all about the microbiome, people.

Also, I want to have a little think about the evening wagon fall-off – I’m doing really well in the day time and then falling for high-carbs (potato) or alcoholic drinks, and late-evening snacks. I wonder how I can really get closure on my evenings without gorging…? Need to invite the answers in. 🙂

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – got carried away with phone

Screens off:  10.50pm  Lights out: 11pm

Wake up the next day:             6am       Total sleep: 7h. Ok.
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MEDS Day 28: Today I am making progress

Brain Maker trailer

Oh man, I’m so pleased to have slept over 8 hours…. What a relief.

I love these changes we’ve made to the MEDS tracking format: a) the colour coding and b) the ‘non-negotiable’ targets. So simplifying and clarifying. I now need to arrange my day’s schedule around the targets, rather than ‘see what happens’ and write it down later.

Review – are the targets right?:

MED: 20 mins of Med – feels about right

EXERCISE: 1 hour of exercise – hm, well, if I were doing HIIT, 30 mins might be plenty. But I can’t at the moment because of the adrenal fatigue recovery phase, so actually this stands for now. Another good target is number of steps, but until I can get a new Fitbit I’m a bit vague on tracking daily steps, though my phone does a reasonable job so maybe I should add that in anyway for tracking? Yes.

DIET: I fell into Brain Maker without checking back in on GAPS or Adrenal Fatigue diets… but they are all in the same direction. The thing I like about Brain Maker is the emphasis on repopulating the gut with good bacteria. I seem to be prone to gut candida (fed by carbs/sugar), so a low carb, high fat, high pre/probiotic approach seems good. Need to make a copy of the summary sheet I made. Also, need to really compassionately decide to be dry in the week (Sunday pm to Friday pm) – maybe need to track that too? Yes.

SLEEP: Yes, THIS is the target! ‘In bed with my books by 10pm’ solves everything. The books are the antidote to screen,  and the books also include my planner for the next day. By 10pm, and I am hitting my natural melatonin window, which means that my cortisol regulation is encouraged for the next day. Eight hours sleep is pretty much guaranteed. So… will I commit to it? Will I leave evening activities at 9pm latest, to be in bed by 10pm? Let’s see!

What thoughts for today?

‘I am making progress’

I am! It feels like I’m pulling my energy back in, and placing focus gently where it’s needed. Doing this process here helps, somehow… It makes me more compassionate towards myself. Less likely to cast impossible targets at myself. To make this all really work, I need to make similar progress in my work field… so that I am not bringing a n y more stress to my door. 

What does such progress in your work field look like? 

It looks like… rhythm and regularity. Me setting the timetable – like a dentist schedules available appointments. Me clarifying my offering and it’s boundaries, as well as its areas of flexibility. Why do I not finish my brochure?

Why do you think? 

Perfectionism? Fear of failure? Fear of success?

‘Perfectionism’ is a good start. Work with that, knowing that…

‘Done is better than perfect’ – or whatever they say at Facebook HQ. And also that, any brochure will always be a work in progress. It’s hard to plan to hand it over for design and print…as if that sets it in stone.

How about developing a template, that you can fill in with different services or for different markets, and adjust as you go….

Yes. I like that. That would overcome the perfectionism…if I can settle on a template. Two A4 sides. Or four. Brainstormed on paper.

‘Each day, I am making progress towards my goal.’

Ty. Yes. I know that if I can simplify my work offering, it will be a good thing. It will allow me to do all that I want to do in life, be of service sustainably, and develop the health and wellbeing of body, mind and soul. Three afternoon cases a week. Breathe…

Today, I am making progress

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Self-Compassion
Self-Compassion

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES 

So good to return to Kristin Neff, the queen of self-compassion. Listening to her audiobooks and meditations on long soulful walks in 2016 was so healing. Here on Insight Timer, her guided med reminds us to ask “May I be safe… peaceful… kind to myself… accepting of myself just as I am.” ?

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? NO!

#STEPS : 1717

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? NO (half a cider)

MORNING: My muesli, coffee with cream, snack box, pot of pea and ham soup

EVENING: chicken, beans, sweet potato fries, apple juice and soda, cider

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO.. (choir night)

Screens off:     11.20pm     Lights out: 11.30pm

Wake up the next day:    7.30am                Total sleep: 8 hours! (again!) Yes!

Brain Maker trailer Brain Maker trailer

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MEDS Day 27: Today I am composing myself

Adrenal Fatigue Recovery Plan

Yesterday was curious. While I ‘walked towards my future’ (holding the future vision in mind), we actually ended up going out and visiting the village where I grew up. I hadn’t been for years. It was good to retrace the footsteps of a time of innocence. This resonates with the RT concept of returning to your past mentally, to catch glimpses of the times when you were on the easier timeline, as it were – before the pendulum swings of adversity and challenge booted you on to lower frequencies. In revisiting the places of earliest innocence, perhaps the memory of the original timeline is evoked, and can be summoned for the future.

And today, with present realities still playing out, I wake to the realisation that my dear, kind patient body is back in full-blown adrenal fatigue. How did it happen, even while I’m actually doing this MEDS Project?! I worked soooooo hard to overcome it in 2015-17. I overcame it, and was fit and healthy again! It takes MONTHS and YEARS to recover from. How come I am back here?

I reckon these were the causes of the renewed adrenal fatigue:

  1. SLEEP: Not nailing the early bedtime. I know better. I need to nail being in bed by 10pm, with all screens off. It’s as simple as that. Without this, I can not hope to catch the melatonin window, and I actively summon a cortisol burst to keep me awake. It’s insanity.
  2. DIET: Carbs, caffeine, alcohol. In 2017, I spent 11 months alcohol-free. It reduced carb intake and it massively improved by sleep. It stopped night time eating too. I also followed the brainmaker diet. Come on, dear soul. We know this stuff. I know it all wound up because of meeting my lovely partner, who (though he understands and has practised all these protocols) can get away without following them. And I have followed him – partly out of succumbing to temptation, partly not to be the party-pooper in the room. Time to stop, and develop the willpower of a fucking eagle. (It was hard enough keeping to protocols when my kids were in the house… but to be in a relationship with someone who can and will eat all the things that make me ill, is hard. But I’ve got special interest Aspie powers to call upon. And I will.
  3. WORK/TIME MANAGEMENT: It has spiralled out of control again, and although I’m my own boss, I’m not a good MANAGER (of myself, my workflow, my business operations). I let things build up, and terrorise me. I allow my diary to fill with unnecessary and UNPAID busy work, that feeds others’ agendas, not mine. (Like speaking at conferences….without having a freaking brochure to pass to people!!! Come on, lady!)
  4. WORK TYPE: I say yes to work that EXHAUSTS me. Why am I doing training sessions for 60 people? Last Friday’s training was completely exhausting! We did well, but the chaos levels of our client were off the scale. No wonder I’m adrenal-fatigued. The  way I got through the obstacle course of the training was to suck my adrenal glands dry. It will take me weeks to recover. I need to remember that I am in recovery!
  5. EXERCISE: I’m not doing enough. Remember I used to walk an hour a day, and then do Qigong on a Tues, Yoga and Swimming on a Thursday? Well, that…
  6. MEDITATION: Do I need to get some help resetting that? A meditation teacher is a basic need I should think….

So what are the solutions for this bout of adrenal fatigue?

  1. SLEEP: In bed with my books by ten. (Books for reading, but also my work planner so it’s ready for the morning’s review). Change the box below – so it’s a target we either hit or we don’t. There’s a prize for hitting it 5 nights a week. (I think I need a running spreadsheet. I also need a Fitbit again….)
  2. DIET: I need to define my diet again (somewhere between Brain-maker, GAPs and Adrenal Reset Diet (below). It needs to be manageable and resourced. Time for a Riverford box again? All I really need is organic veg and meat, and probiotics….
  3. WORK/TIME MANAGEMENT:
    1. Start saying “no, thank you’ a lot more, to unpaid work, favours and jollies
    1. Set my ideal week in the Planner and work towards it doggedly, and lightly. 🙂
  6. WORK TYPE: Focus on the mediation/dialogue work. Aim for 3 afternoon cases a week, on a Mon., Wed. and Fri. afternoon, by Skype, or at my office, or at local workplaces. Absolute priority this week: the new brochure. Not for jollies, but because my health depends upon. it.
  7. EXERCISE: Block out time for exercise again…. This is a big one. I feel sad at how I let ‘work’ overrun my week again, when I know better.
  8. MEDITATION: Look for classes. Oh my.

What about the money for this?

Focus on the 3 afternoon cases a week, dear friend of friends. 

I’m so grateful for the coaching you give me. What else do I need to know for today, dear soul of my being?

It’s all ok. There’s no need to rush or push anything. No one is waiting for you. Compose yourself. 

Yes! That. Ty.

Today I am composing myself.

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Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION?  NO – 5mins

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – walking

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? YES / NO / NEARLY

MORNING: My muesli / Salmon + Quinoa + Kale salad from M&S

EVENING: Home-cooked chicken drumsticks, sprouts, parsnips, potato faces, 2xG&T 

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? YES!! / NO

Screens off:  9.50pm        Lights out: 10.20pm

Wake up the next day: 6.50am                    Total sleep: 8.5h! YES!

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Useful article: https://www.healthy-holistic-living.com/4-simple-steps-to-reversing-adrenal-burnout-includes-supplement-guide.html?utm_source=NM&utm_content=24889-HK9X

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MEDS Day 26: Today I am walking towards my future

Thanks for yesterday’s permission to reach into peace…

I have learnt over the years this notion of walking calmly and confidently towards a goal, knowing that the universe can and will make it happen with ease. I have experienced many seeming miracles. This is because the world is predicated on the fundamental everydayness of miracles. The key appears to be: 1)  knowing what we want, and then 2) getting the mind out of the way.

Over time our goals change, don’t they?

We get clearer about what pleases the soul. 

Yes. That factor of getting the mind out of the way is about letting the soul speak and lead?

It’s about allowing the heart and mind to align in their own way and space, without interference. The heart and mind are good dialoguers behind the scenes. We have to be brave enough to take the mind ‘offline’ on a regular basis so that it can have the mind-to-heart conversations. 

Hence, mediation.

And other practices. 

Ah yes, love, service compassion. Reaching for deep peace. Leading from the internal rest point. What else should I know for today.

We reach deep peace, and we keep on walking. 

The peaceful stillness is internal, not a general paralysis of action…?

Exactly.

Like mindful walking.

Hold the target slide in mind, and move towards it. 

Yesterday I was thinking about my ideal work life. A dialogue a day. For peace, for love, for end of life, for mental health recovery, for community building.

So walk towards it. Today and each day. Be ready for it to emerge. Do the groundwork. 

Today I am walking towards my future

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Meditation:

0 – weekend company..

Exercise:

15 min stroll :-/ Most of the ‘day out’ was spent driving to find a pub still doing lunch… Lovely, but not the walking I needed, needed, needed.

Diet:

Coffee with cream, sausages, rice, egg

Late lunch: pie, mash, greens, diet coke – at a pub – carb/gluten! Felt rough

Pre-bed: can of lager and a sausage…. (not proud of how this w/e went)

Sleep:

Screens off: 11.30pm

Lights out: 11.30pm

Wake up the next day: 6.45am

Total sleep: c7hours. I need 8. I need to make it happen.

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