Pivot 99: I am giving up attack thoughts, and thinking thoughts of love in the Neutral Now

It was going so well… I was relishing ‘focussing on the Bright Lighters’ in my world, all the way til almost bedtime.

I made a list of Bright Lighters that came in to my day:

  • Lee Holden, whose online qigong class I do every morning on the patio
  • Jacinda Arden (and other women leaders responding to Covid-19) Ref
  • My brother-in-law whose birthday it is today
  • My G who gleams
  • My adoring sis (adoring of all, and so loving to her vast tribe)
  • My noble bro (such astonishing qualities of nobility, strength and love)
  • My brave and doting Dad
  • All the invisible Bright Lighters
  • Rob Greenfield (environmental activist I’ve been watching)
  • My End of Life Doula UK colleagues – oh, man… beautiful souls
  • My darling AS, heartfully, wisely teaching me about the Karen meme and white privilege – as we discuss racial violence/hatred and events in NY city and Minneapolis
  • My beloved L, checking in tenderly on the family with such care, wit and warmth from her lockdown pod
  • The brilliant cast and writers of Gavin & Stacey which we’re watching through (I’d never seen it!)…

And then, just before bed, I thought I’d just briefly ‘check Twitter’. I glimpse what’s going on in Minneapolis where people are protesting the unspeakable murder of a black man named George Floyd by a police officer. A black CNN news reporter being arrested while reporting on live TV. A white guy in a gas mask and disguise, calmly smashing shop windows with a hammer near where people are protesting… hours after their ‘president’ wrote on Twitter, “When the looting starts the shooting starts.” And in London, a young pipsqueak of a white woman police officer (‘Karen’ + police powers) striding up to a black man in the street and cuffing him within 60 seconds for no good reason. Before I know it, I’m chucking my phone down and walking out the back door, saying “Evil, it’s pure evil. I can’t stand it.” – and sitting crying in the garden.

Help me out here. Do I look and bear witness? Or do I turn my eyes from this? The outrages of this world are unspeakable at the moment. The prevalence of hate, of prejudice, of greed are intolerable. QED from Forbes.com: Billionaires Are Getting Richer During The COVID-19 Pandemic While Most Americans Suffer.

And lest we think racial hatred and police brutality only overlap in the US, read this thread:


Last night, after I’d turned my phone off in tearful protest, I plugged it in to charge, and it automatically started to turn itself back on, producing the familiar white screen and Apple symbol. And for the very first time I noticed the significance of the Apple with the bite taken out of it. What happened in the garden of Eden when Eve (huh!) took a bite from the apple from the Tree of Knowledge? The fall of humankind, arising from this one act of transgression, the original sin. And so here I am, and many others, looking at the world through machines labelled with the symbol of the original sin.

So… as Nessa would say, “O! What’s occurring?”

Hell? [ooooh typo alert! I meant…] Hello?

Spot on, dear soul. Is it hell, or is it heaven, here on Earth? 

Oh man… I know, we need to DECIDE and act accordingly… I’m just tired.

Stephen Jenkinson said in an interview recently, “After 65 harrowing years on this planet, I can say…” Life is harrowing.

We know. We know. 

Did you say, “We’ll leave you to it”?!

Calm… Reboot. There is much to discuss. You need your Heart in the right place to hear us. At the moment, you are tuned in to Chaos FM, and we are here trying to chat to you on Peace FM. Change frequency, and we will gladly discuss all these matters. And they do matter. 

Ok. I’ll do a meditation.

No, not yet. Not in this state. That’s like trying to jump on to the motorway in 2nd gear. Get up, get a drink, properly shake this state out for a bit. There’s no rush. We’re right here. 


***15mInnerBalanceMed – High coherence 48% / Av coherence 2.4***

Wow, well I just sat helplessly in low/mod coherence for the first half of that! Amazing to see how my heart had locked into frazzle. What got me out of non-coherence eventually was:

  1. Getting my mind in to Neutral gear – not Reverse (ruminating on past) or 1st gear (nudging in to future planning) – just the Neutral Now (nice phrase)
  2. Repeating over, ‘Now I am breathing into my heart space; now I am breathing out of my heart space.”

So. Let’s see if I can tune in to Peace FM…

Try taking another random page from ACIM. 


Holy moley… It could barely be more perfect for today. Ty.

Lesson 23 of A Course In Miracles
Lesson 23 of A Course In Miracles

Lesson 23: I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts.

…3. The world you see is a vengeful world, and everything in it is a symbol of vengeance. Each of your perceptions of “external reality” is a pictorial representation of your own attack thoughts. One can well ask if this can be called seeing. Is not fantasy a better word for such a process, and hallucination a more appropriate term for the result? 4. You see the world that you have made, but you do not see yourself as the image maker. You cannot be saved from the world, but you can escape from its cause. This is what salvation means, for where is the world you see when its cause is gone? 5. … As you look about you, repeat the idea slowly to yourself first, and then close your eyes and devote about a minute to searching your mind for as many attack thoughts as occur to you. As each one crosses your mind say:

I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts about _________.

Hold each attack thought in mind as you say this, and then dismiss that thought and go on to the next.

I read ACIM through in 2009-2014. It changed my life. I had forgotten some of its principles. This is good revision for me right now. Thank you.

You will be startled at the power of your focus when you recall yourself to be the subjective hallucinator, not the observer of some objective reality. 

Just now, on your break, you spotted a rabbit bounding out of the woods. You picked up the binoculars from the kitchen table, and watched the rabbit as it sat munching grass in the sunshine. Suddenly, the focus of your attention was not ‘the kitchen’ with its washing up to do and the busyness of domestic life; the focus of your attention was ‘rabbit in sunshine’. In other words, through an act of shifting your gaze and magnifying the sweet object of your attention, your present moment reality shifted in to ‘pure innocence’. 

This is the purpose of A Course in Miracles – to help you learn to shift your entire gaze/reality from vengeance/lamentation/binary to forgiveness/appreciation/neutrality. That’s all. It’s a return to innocence. 

You are currently offering yourself many opportunities to flex this ‘muscle’ of perspective-taking, without feeling you are abandoning the ’cause’. 

You noticed the self-styled Environmentalist Activist. We are not suggesting you become passive, but we are suggesting you become passivist. 

Do you mean pacifist? Peace activist? Which one here? https://philosophynow.org/issues/105/Pacifism_Is_Not_Passivism

In truth dear soul, we are suggesting ‘passivist’. Where your ‘pacifist’ definition means ‘anti-war’, we mean passivist. Where you ‘pacifist’ definition means peace-loving, we may mean pacifist – but largely, you confuse ‘pacifism’ with reacting against something.

The principle is this: when you are anti- anything, you are growing that thing by your attack thoughts. When you are pro- anything, and able to bring loving appreciation to that Wanted without having thoughts of attack upon those who do not concur with you, you are achieving a miracle. So we say, notice and dismiss your attack thoughts first. Magnify the ‘rabbits in sunshine’, second. Third… see how your reality transmogrifies. 

Ok. But this: I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts about _________. I think some dear to me would challenge the righteousness of ‘escaping the world I see’ when I have the ‘privilege’ to just turn off Twitter and live a good life. 

Trust us. You need to step in to Heart-centred living. That is the basis of the Pivot. You have seen today, with an actual biofeedback machine, that when you focus on ‘the world you [think you] see’ out there, you see hell, and your heart gets locked in to incoherence. (Reread The Power of Now if you need to.) We need you in coherence – this is the part you are being asked to play. You. And others of course. But not all – and that is not for you to worry about. Or be perplexed about. You personally are not called to be a Journalist. You are called upon to be a Journaller: that is an internal journalist. So go inside. Report what is there. Accept the invitation to inhabit the ‘calm interiorised mind’.

The monks ‘escaped’ to the monastery for a reason: to be able to pray for the world without being knocked sideways by the ‘reality’ of it. Today, we are asked to level up by being in the world without being knocked sideways by the ‘reality’ of it. You do that by finding the peace inside of you – by finding the monastery inside your own self. And resting there. You want an act of activism? This is it. 

Radical Love means so much to love the world that you endeavour to live within the potential of its pure positive peace, rather than to add to its challenges by resonating with fear or anger about its apparent disunity. You will see the Unity of humanity, and its power to Love, and you will do this as an act of service. Drop your thoughts of attack, precious soul. They come only from the blessed egoic mind. Introduce the language of the Heart to your days – and learn only to give airtime to the thoughts of pure positive wellbeing. That which we broadcast we disseminate. Think thoughts of love, you radical being. 

I am giving up attack thoughts, and thinking thoughts of love in the Neutral Now





Pivot 98: I am focussing on the Bright Lighters

Well I can tell you, ‘tending to my attention’, and managing to bring neutrality to my awareness of ‘the news’ had an unexpected result: it gave me a sense of dignity.

I realised across the day, how very much I’d become accustomed to hurling myself at hoovering up the news about the rights and wrongs of politicians. It all started with Brexit – when for years I couldn’t take my eyes off it on Twitter, because I so wanted to spot signs that Brexit was going to be annulled somehow. Then with this Pandemic – what with this country having the highest mortality rate in Europe, I’ve been scanning the Twittersphere to find signs that we were responding effectively at last. Not to mention all the other stuff I’ve read about behind the scenes shenanigans.

Well, enough.

I take my energy back. I take my attention back. I will place it where I see the signs of PULL emerging in this world. And magnify that.

That truly is the best response you can give to these times. In fact, it might be helpful to know that the higher the opportunity for PULL’s emergence in the world, the more explicitly and rampant will run its ‘opposite’… for a while. Here is the test.

Can you, individually and collectively, place your powerfully magnifying attention on what is wanted rather than what is not wanted? 

Sounds simple? It’s advanced level consciousness, right here, right now. It feels ‘right’ to resonate with and rail against the Unwanted – because you think that pointing to the Unwanted will make it go away. Equally, you believe that if you (jointly and severally) don’t point to it, no one else will see it. It feels like a civic duty to highlight the Unwanted. It feels like an act of love. And we know, it comes from a place of love to point out the injustices, the brutalities, the hatreds, the cheats, the under-cutters, the overpowerers. We know, and that is understood. 

But know that as you shine your magnifying glass on the Unwanted, you give it energy, you give it power to grow. 

Can you trust – and we get it, it’s an act of huge faith in these bifurcated, polarised times – but can you trust that if you magnify the love, the selflessness, the new role models, the united collaborators, the wise ones, the enlightened communities, the compassionate innovations… you will help the Wanted to grow?

“Oh, but when I point to the Unwanted, I feel alive! It’s so visceral – I know I’m making a difference!” you say. 

And to this we say: Get used to the peacefulness of the paradigm you are headed towards. Do not mistake it for the land of Nothing Doing. Your greatest service to your self and to others at this time, is to learn to resonate in peace. Sure, we get it, fire crackers and electric shocks are tantalising in a physical world. But know that the frequency of peace is subtle. And its fruits are boundless. When you truly can ease in to that peace paradigm, you will start to see the plants growing and the birds communicating – and the wonder of that (and so much more) will bring you to your knees. And in time, people will pause from tasering each other emotionally, and ask you – the Peace Freqs – what you are doing. And you will start to show them. 

Time for practice. 

***15minInnerBalanceMeditation – 87% high co – 3.6 av coherence***


That’s more like it. 🙂 I Imagined my heart inflating and deflating like a bright heart-shaped balloon as I breathed. Lovely.

Open the letter. 

Ok. [Yesterday, I pulled out my beloved copy of A Course in Miracles (ACIM), and spotted inside it a letter I had apparently written and posted to myself in 2016!]


Oh wow! It was a letter we wrote to ourselves at the end of the Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy Course – and the teacher posted it to us 6 months later. It starts,

“Dear Arabella,

I am writing this to you, dear soul, on the last session of JW’s MBCT Course. I hope this find you well, thriving, at peace {sic}, in flow and sensing the blessings of Life… ”

It’s really beautiful. I’ve put it back in the ACIM book.

And if you open ACIM book, just randomly, what does it say to you? 

Lesson 88

1. (75The light has come.

In choosing salvation rather than attack, I merely choose to rec­ognize what is already there. Salvation is a decision made already. Attack and grievances are not there to choose. That is why I always choose between truth and illusion; between what is there and what is not. The light has come. I can but choose the light, for it has no alternative. It has replaced the darkness, and the darkness has gone.

2. These would prove useful forms for specific applications of this idea:

This cannot show me darkness, for the light has come.
The light in you is all that I would see, [name].
I would see in this only what is there.

Yes! This. This is the antidote to pointing out the Unwanted! In choosing salvation rather than attack, I merely choose to rec­ognize what is already there. It’s time for me to give up ‘attack and grievance’ against these people whose judgement and motives I’m so ready to lunge in to. I know what happens when I point to the ‘shocking’ and the ‘disgusting’ behaviour in others – especially  public figures. I feel clever. That’s the truth. I feel smart when I apply my brain to identifying, and evidencing the wrongs of others. I may not say out loud my attacks very much, but when I do share my apparent insights with others, I feel like the shiz. I get a kick out of it. 

What if I applied my brain with as much vigour to the Wanted as I’ve done to the Unwanted? What wonders I could achieve, in terms of highlighting the New, and the Peace Paradigm, and the Evolution of Consciousness…

Why have I allowed my brain’s attention to be ‘hijacked’ by a seeming circus show of my own illusioning? Enough. No more attack, no more grievance. This cannot show me darkness, for the light has come. The light in you is all that I would see, [name]. And now, to focus on the bright lighters. 

There we are. What a great phrase: ‘to focus on the bright lighters’!

Yes, why not? Look towards the light, right? Stop focusing on the dimly lit souls, and great special-interesty on the ones beaming brightly. Even if I feel less ‘clever’ in doing so! 😉

Yes! You know where the Bright Lighters are in your world. Focus on them. 

Today I’m on a refresher course on Advance Planning for End of Life. Run by a bunch of Bright Lighters.

Man, I’ve been focussing on those I’d see as Dark. a) ACIM reminds me they are not. b) What a waste of focus!

Have a brightly lit day! 


I am focussing on the Bright Lighters




Pivot 97: I am tending to my attention (#AttendToPULL)

I would almost feel happy to stay working with #IamRelishingWhatIs&WhatIsComing for ever more. It is an amazing door opener to all things coherent, appreciative and receptive. It is the answer to all my desires to move from Head to Heart: relishing happens in the heart sphere, with the mind engaged to support and magnify the moment.

Yesterday I relished so many simple things, present and coming – lingering and basking in the enjoyment of them. I relished:

  • qigong on the patio in the sun
  • a tidy pop-up desk ready for running my online training
  • bringing to mind the folks I’d be working with across the day
  • glimpsing the sight of peaceful people on my mindfulness zoom session
  • seeing my first HUMAN SOCIALLY since before lockdown – literally since 14th March – 10 weeks and 4 days ago! CM came up here and we walked round the woods, carefully socially distanced.
  • moments sitting in the garden during the working day and relishing the sun on my skin
  • contemplating the summer stretching onwards
  • telly with A and G – eating delicious home cooked food
  • {catching videos on Twitter of the #BooForBoris event, and appreciating the awareness of people’s active, collective response to what has been an unspeakable week in UK politics. You’d think from this blog that I’m unaware of politics. Actually I follow v closely, and my Head is frankly aghast – but I keep this space free of it. My heart knows better than to entangle itself…}

Meditation time…

***15minInnerBalanceMed – 44% high coherence – av. coherence 2.0***

Inner Balance screen shot Inner Balance screen shot

Man, that was a tough practice. Why?

Feeling the pressure of time. Feeling behind. Feeling rushed. Feeling you have a lot to squeeze in to the day. Feeling like you have a training session to run in two hours, and getting pumped up for that. 

I don’t want to feel pumped up for these sessions. That is zazz. I’m done with that. I wanted that feeling of coherence…. 🙁    So, today?

You can’t talk about politics here and then hope to get coherence. It doesn’t work like that. Not in these days. Your politicians are not acting for you, for peace, for collaboration, for unity, for selflessness. So don’t look at them. Seriously. We’re glad you brought your addiction to Twitter-gazing up here. Drop it. Seriously. If you truly want to ‘level up’ with coherence – by which we mean alignment to the grand What Is of increased consciousness – keep your eyes on the prize. Tend to your attention, as a farmer tends to the most fragile newborn lamb, or the horticulturist tends to the delicate seedlings. Tend to your attention. This means: check where you are placing your attention. Is it on peace, unity, love and light? Or is it on the apparent failings of your fellow humans. Their ‘failings’ are a gift for you in that you can practice your non-judgment, your neutrality, your capacity for universal forgiveness. Return to ACIM and remind yourself of its principles. 

If you will place your attention on those you see as doing wrong, you will need to be sure to practise the principles of forgiveness. As that is hard, we suggest instead you place your attention on that which is reminiscent of peace, unity, love and light. Do not fritter this special time away, chafing against the old which is collapsing. Turn your magnifying attention to the blossoming new. This takes care and focus, but the fruits are worth it, for you and for the all. Love all; have clear boundaries. Love all; have clear boundaries. This is sovereignty. Peace now. 

Ty. I am humbled, chastened. Yes, it was time we had that conversation…

I will tend to my attention. Good practice. Ty.

I am tending to my attention (#AttendToPULL)




Pivot 96: I am relishing what is, and what is coming

Scene from the Generation Game gameshow

#ILoveWhat’sComing was a beautiful game to play! Endless opportunities to see the future coming towards us as a Generation Game conveyor belt of prizes…

Scene from the Generation Game gameshow

I noted a few of the ‘good things coming’ that came to mind when I put my Heart in Green zone / neutral and said…

#I love what’s coming: 

  • A week of connecting with people online
  • Being able to contribute to the #IPWOA
  • People articulating effectively together about our politics
  • Greater consensus in the UK about what is good for the common good
  • Alllll the good stuff I don’t even know about! 
  • Spending much more time in the Green HRV zone in the future – good for health, wealth and planet for us all
  • Mmmm… breakfast
  • Continuing to learn how to care for my wellbeing
  • A sandwich!
  • A walk on the hills we can see from our house 20 miles away – our first ‘drive + walk’ since Lockdown! 
  • Approx 1000 meals every year for the rest of my life!
  • All those birthdays ahead
  • Holidays and walks and outings to experience
  • Films I’ll watch

This ‘looking ahead to what’s coming’, and generating good feelings (coherence) in the present is a beautiful new step for me. It is the soft antidote to the tendency of my autistic brain to see the future as either dreadfully problematic or so undefined as to appear dull.

It’s hard to explain – as it may appear childish… But I have now seen that relishing and appreciating – past, present or future – is genuinely key to heart coherence and a balanced ANS.

Also, this Lockdown has taught me how very much there is to be enjoyed in the simplest things, without need for external affirmation, travel or money.

Let’s do the Inner Balance practice.

***15minInnerBalanceMed – 61% high coherence – av. coherence 2.5***


Screenshot of Inner Balance app

[Not my best. I’m a bit nervy about the amount of work and prep I need to do today.

So, dear soul, please go ahead and prep. Work more with #ILoveWhat’sComing. Let’s pick up from here tomorrow.]

*****Back the next day****

This Inner Balance device is teaching me to really get calm and present before I do things – delivering an online training session for example; or to use my daily walk to riff on what I’m appreciating in my mind. Why is this so powerful? It means I’m spending more of my day in coherence. I hadn’t realised now much of my day I was spending in the stress state of incoherence and sympathetic ANS. This device is making me more aware. And I think the results are becoming apparent.

Last night, I slept 7h50mins between 22.02pm and 06.48am according to my FitBit! With really good restorative sleep – meaning  my heart rate actually dropped below my resting heart beat for most of the night. Look:

FitBit screenshots of sleep data today
FitBit screenshots of sleep data today


Playing #ILoveWhat’sComing is a really good way to get into the positive present too, and bring a sense of appreciation, optimism and relief about the future. (This is basically the antidote to anxiety – what a gift!)

Let’s do today’s Inner Balance session.

***15minInnerBalanceMed – 77% high coherence – av. coherence 3.3***

Inner Balance app screen shot today
Inner Balance app screen shot today

Do you know what helped me settle in to high coherence?

  1. Following the breathing ‘chaser’ and holding ‘no thought’ – just very neutral in my brain
  2. Then, bringing in real time affirmation – first ‘I am safe, I am ok, I am sitting here’… then more in the Abraham-Hicks morning rampage of appreciation mode: ‘Here I am, and everything is working out for me. Good things are coming to me today. I’m doing so well…’

Useful to know. Honestly, the Inner Balance device is like a kindly lie detector – the moment you slip in to ruminative thought or anxious sensations, it notifies you! Amazing.

So today?

Today is a good day, a really good day. Everything is working out for you. Everything is going smoothly, and there’s really no need to bring too much energy (or ‘zazz’) to what you do today. It’s all under control. You have a great routine and it covers all that needs to be covered. So you can relax, safe in the knowledge that all good things are flowing to you, and the more you settle in to neutral mind or the positive present, the more you are lining up with all the good things, and the more you will be able to relish what is. Yes, relish what is. 

I love the word ‘relish’. What is ‘zazz’?

Zazz is the surge of energy you put in to something that you very much want to work well. Only, it is often so ‘surgey’ that it shorts the circuits. It certainly introduces incoherence. Your zazz is generated by the belief that effort makes the thing work. But nature is not like that. Time, sun, water, patience and relishing make all the things work: the trees to grow and the fruits to appear as if from nothing. Remember your Tao Te Ching? Softly does it, dear soul. Softly does it. 

If you have energy to pour in to a moment, pour it in to relishing what already is, and what you sense to be coming of its own accord. 

Beautiful – and will take a bit of practising. Thank you so much.

I am relishing what is, and what is coming (#NoZazz)

to like or enjoy something:
I always relish a challenge.
If you relish the idea or thought of something, you feel pleasure that it is going to happen:
She’s relishing the prospect of studying in Bologna for six months.
the enjoyment you get from doing something:
She ate her cake slowly and with relish.


Pivot 95: I am welcoming what’s coming (#I love what’s coming)

Yesterday, to get ‘my House in order’, I started doing weekend housework chores at pace. Within an hour, I’d retreated to bed tearful, tired and frazzled, feeling the need for comfort and affection. Eventually, I dragged my sorry soul out for a walk. After a break of a week or so, because there had been a pause on podcasts being released, I put on Esther-Hicks episodes as I walked… and oh my word, what a relief to hear that voice and to remember: I need to look at what is wanted to what is unwanted; I need my attention to align with my inner being.

No wonder I’d been feeling terrible. I’d thrown my attention on to these revelations of the government’s chief adviser having flouted the rules of lockdown – and the Cabinet rallying around like side-kicks to justify his behaviour… And doing so had drained me. It had put me in constant, gruelling ‘red zone’ in terms of my dear Heart and HRV.

I think your advice yesterday about getting my House in order, maybe referred not to my laundry, as much as to my energetic alignment?

Yes! Absolutely! 

Can I add one beautiful triumph of solidarity…?

If you want.


How do you feel now? 

Hm… purple zone? Red zone..?

Was is worth it? 

I doubt it. I guess I wanted to tell the story here. Keep a record of this historic time.

Telling the story; keeping a record. It’s very hard not to vibrate in alignment with the same frequency as the ‘bad thing’ you are highlighting, when you insist on telling the story and keeping a record. 

Ah… Shall we reboot?




Ok, ok! I remember now! The love state is what gets the Heart in coherence. Including, simply doing Matt Kahn’s ‘I love yous’. Remember how hard I had to work to do that? MK would say, tell yourself ‘I love you’,  100, 200 times a day. I practised it because I trust his wisdom, and I sensed it got me in a good state. Today, with the Inner Balance app I saw the biofeedback evidence: I had kept slipping in to the purple or red zones, even if I thought of people / memories I appreciated… but once I started thinking ‘I love you’ to myself, I slid straight in to the green zone and stayed there. Adding self-encouraging comments helped too: ‘You’re doing so well; you worked really hard this week; you’ve been doing your best…’ Just rolling Green Zone… Heart Coherence. The parasympathetic state. Renewing emotions. Good for my health – and so, so good (I sense) for the collective frequency of the planet. Our good feeling thoughts create a force field of coherence and love. It’s just physics… Amazing.

Attention training is a great art. You can change your life, and add good vibes to your world, by up-levelling your attention, again and again and again. Now you are feeling it in your body, you have the opportunity to practise high coherence at will. You must be very pleased.

I’m astounded… I’m excited at the prospect ahead of me as I really learn and embed these techniques and practises.

I’m also becoming aware how super, super sensitive this HRV / coherence system is!!

You mean the Heart? It is the most finely-tuned instrument on the planet. 

More finely tuned than the brain?

The brain is analogue. The heart is digital. It’s that much of a difference. 

Wow. And I’ve been running analogue all this time.

Actually, you’ve been running on digital while thinking you were merely on analogue.  You’ve been using the analogue handbook for a digital machine – like trying to drive a Porsche racing car using only the manual for an automatic Ford Ka. 

Oof. No offence to Ford Kas…

Or to your brain.

Thanks. 😉

So now you are pivoting from Head-orientation, to Heart-orientation. Are you delighted? 

Well, yes..! I’m getting there, as learn to I understand what it is and how it feels in my body. It’s so subtle! I get the sense, using this Inner Balance device, that I’m learning a whole new language with my eyes closed…

Eyes open actually, in that you can see the read-out on the machine’s app. 

True. It’s astonishing. So… today? I never actually finished getting ready for the week ahead… But I’d love to have time outside, and some real rebooting…

It’s time to apply this HeartMath to your segment intending. Find out what makes your heart sing in the way your heart sings when you are in the Green Zone, and do that next. Really trust your intuition to guide you. Imagine each segment is about two hours, no more. 

Ok, so this next segment… Heart? What takes you in to the Green Zone?

<3: It really is about the appreciation of all souls. I need you to appreciate all souls. To withhold judgment. Scorn and judgment exhausts me. So please, stop looking at those upon whom you would pour disdain, or who ‘disgust’ you. Rise up to support all living beings, in love.

Your well-organised clinic: take joy in THAT! Take pride and delight in THAT! Turn your attention to cleansing, replenishing and affirming the sanctity of your well-organised  clinic (WOC). If you feel fear or heaviness about any aspect of your clinic ahead this week, take the opportunity afforded you by this extra ‘holiday’ to flush out any concerns, so that you can arrive at your WOC in full peace, confidence and personal enjoyment. You must bring that Green Zone to your WOC, so flush out anything that is generously calling for your cleansing attention. 

A truly WONDROUS week awaits you! We will have the privilege of connecting with over one hundred souls across the week. What a gift! Are you excited? Are you appreciative of how your prayers are answering themselves as you align with your inner being – with me? Are you hurrying to greet your ‘vision of life made manifest’, as a lover runs to their beloved? Are you aware of, and AWAKE to, the miracles occurring in your personal sphere?

Wow, that’s true… Thank you for this reframing. It’s to easy to call on the seemingly impossible and then feel a bit overwhelmed when it arrives.

Say: I am welcoming the week ahead. Four sacred days of service in my well-organised clinic. This is the blessing I have been asking for. This is the new paradigm I am living in. This is all that we could ever have hoped for in this moment. And we know that there is more to come. I am welcoming what’s coming, because I have asked for beautiful things and now I am in the receiving mode. It’s all just physics! 

Welcoming what’s coming is a really heart-coherent feeling…

There we go. Play with this… 

I am welcoming what’s coming (#I love what’s coming)

Pivot 94: I am putting my House in order today


‘The world has gone mad today and good’s bad today, and black’s white today, and day’s night today…’ 

Note the purposefully misspelt hashtag  #dominiccummimgs: Twitter had quietly stopped calculating tweets referencing Dominic Cummings in their ‘trending’ algorithms yesterday, so the twitter community found a work round… It’s so grim.

Our government… No, not ‘our’. Not ‘my government’. In this country, democracy is a broken toy being kicked to smithereens by playground bullies. Time for the rising forward of a new system of national stewardship, run on principles of consultation and compassion.

I was/am unwinding this weekend, as we discussed yesterday. It just helps to get this sadness out of my system in order to unwind…

I haven’t seen Dad in over 2 months. I wonder if I ought to be going to see him today from a distance for moral support at least… But then, is it against the guidance? Who f****g knows any more.

I’m so sad about the psychopathy rampaging in the halls of power in this country. I feel loss. I can’t bring myself to express it fully.

Keep the Heart in balance. 

Yes. This sort of thinking would have my HRV in the red zone according to the Inner Balance monitor. No good at all.

Whereas the innocent statement, ‘I am breathing in oxygen… my needs in this moment are met…’ sends me straight to green.

So. Today?

Put your House in order, dear soul. 

Aha.. yes.

This is not a criticism, it’s meant very pragmatically. If you know your home to be in order, you can relax all the more. It is an act of rebellion to bring about order when the apparent ‘powers that be’ are sowing the seeds of chaos, discord and dissension. Bring about order. Create harmony. Sow the seeds of simplicity. Inhabit your homestead and invoke coherence. 

Beautiful. Thank you.

I am putting my House in order today



Pivot 93: I am unwinding like a maypole – and feeling it too

I can see why affirmations are a thing – because the very use of ‘I am..’ takes you in to a receptive, heart-coherent state. Add the desired attribute like ‘calm’, and you have the potential for generating actual outcomes. But you’ve got to feel it… not just say it.

The phrase ‘I am’ is considered to be powerful… eg in Christian discourse.

I valued getting in to the positive present yesterday. Just knowing (and I knew because I’d seen it with the Inner Balance) that the act of saying/feeling ‘I am here, I am m ok, I am safe, everything’s ok’ would result in a recalibration of my state, helped me to embed the sense that these noticings were a good use of my brain power.

And today?

Today is a good day. A really good day. You are knowing what you are wanting?

So hello to you, Abraham?

Just you being you. You are knowing what you are wanting? 

I loved playing with the idea of ‘running a well-organised clinic’ this week. I can’t tell you how that lifted my heart, and took some of the hustling/angsting out of my work… Like, I stood up taller and leant in to being calm and coherent in my online client sessions (which were daily) – for the #IPWOA (improved psychological wellbeing of all).

It’s like I have finally shifted from helpee to helper, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.

Really. What a beautiful outcome of a long winding journey.

So, what am I wanting? More of that.


That was insightful. Turns out, when I have thoughts of ‘disappointment’ or ‘irritation about another’, my HRV goes instantly in to the ‘red zone’… Hm. And then to get back into the green zone on the Inner Balance app, it works within seconds if I affirm something truly positive about this present moment, or about who/what ‘I am’ eg GSF… It’s biology speaking my mind. Amazing. This machine is amazing. My heart is amazing.

I also looked at my FitBit heart data. It transpires I’m spending most of my nights with my heart rate going faster than my daytime ‘resting heart beat’. What?! Stressed at night? Apparently. No wonder I’m not sleeping well, and am struggling with this cortisol weight…


Relaxation is a serious business. Unwinding is the key. Unwinding the human being is the task of all beings now. A long period of rest must be aided by techniques that work. But also, most of all, you need to hold the intention to UN-WIND. Like a maypole, unwinding. 

Just say this: I am unwinding like a maypole – and feeling it too

Why? Because it’s key to your getting lighter. The light needs your expansiveness to penetrate. Decontract. Note when you’re contracting. Decontract and unwind. Like a maypole. The winding us done. It’s time to become unwound – no matter where others are. You’ll thank us later if you commit to this now. 

You said you wanted to participated in the IPWOA with a well-organised clinic. Decontract, unwind, let light in… Then you will be a better ‘helper’. Take this as lightly as you take it seriously. Be at peace with this instruction. Let it soften you gently. Remember, this is the work of moving from Head (contraction) to Heart (expansion), from inhale to exhale, from budding to blooming. Never mistake the soft lightness of the Heart for inaction; trust that this light feeling is where you are meant to be heading – or Hearting – now. 

Use this bank holiday weekend for Hearting. <3

Got it. Beautiful! Ty. xx

I am unwinding like a maypole – and feeling it too



Pivot 92: I am noting this positive present

Screen shot of hearth math app


This HeartMath Inner Balance device might just save my life. It’s literally a machine you can use while meditating that buzzes when you get carried away in thought, nudging you to come back to heart-focussed breathing. No more ‘getting carried away in thought’ for minutes at a time! That’s done. And you learn how your body feels when you move out of Heart in to default Head – it’s so subtle that without the instant biofeedback it’s hard to notice. That’s why people find meditation so hard. THIS IS MY ZEN MACHINE that allows me to practise the teachings of Zen Mind with full confidence that I am learning the skills.

And why might it save my life? Because my autistic brain is super busy; and energy leakage has been a big issue.  I need, need, need to calm and regulate my ANS. The only way to do that is to learn to get in to the parasympathetic state, at will – and stay there long enough to reboot my system. This machine, along with the Zen Mind teachings, is the answer to that desire I set out with early on in the Pivot Project: to discover my Aspie Zen Zone.

And what I love most is that the answer to the Aspie Zen Zone came down to – it’s so beautiful – it came down to tuning in to the Heart. Thank you for this journey of discovery.


Screen shot of hearth math app
Inner Balance session 22may20


For today..?

You learnt today that the best way to generate coherence with the Inner Balance was to affirm something positive in the present tense: I am ok; I am safe; everything’s fine; it’s all good… This is the mantra set for your day. See how often you can affirm your positive present across the day – and feel it in your body. Note what you are doing that is good and heart-warming or simply neutral in the present moment – and feel the heart’s resting in to that knowing. 

I am noting the positive present?

Yes – really easy. In the body. Lean back. Look about. Note what’s happening – it’s all positive if you’re noticing it in real time, even if it’s hard: ‘Ah, I’m having difficulty with my tech. I see. Good that I can observe this. I’m still safe. I’m ok. I am here. I am watching.’ 

And feel it in your body… Let the relief hiccup occur. And the sigh of breath. The settling in and down. 

Ok. Will do. Thank you….

The present moment is always, always positive – because it is 100% neutral. Review Eckhart Tolle or ACIM if that is helpful to you. 

The present is always a gift. 

I see what you did there. Thank you!

I am noting this positive present

Pivot 91: Systematise the heck out of your work! And be Present. 

Well, that last, positive, upbeat Dialogue soon gave way to a sh*tstorm of some proportion:

  • Computer / cloud drive slowed to a virtual standstill (pun intended) so I had to skip my crucial (for MH) midday walk, to complete my training session prep for 2pm
  • 2pm training session for 8 people on Zoom – my computer wouldn’t run Zoom from my end!; my old computer wouldn’t run Zoom! either; had to deliver the training from my phone (in my hand as tripod wouldn’t work either) with a participant kindly running my slides. Irony: the session was entitled ‘Keeping mentally well while working from home‘. Ha!
  • Massively intense therapy session – “It’s not child’s play”
  • More computer refusal to work, so I’m now at 6.30pm having spent all day on my butt – and with concern about the viability of future trainings if the tech won’t work
  • I wail with despair, G offers to help check my computer, I tell him not to ‘solutionise’ when I’m wailing (sorry G)
  • I drag myself out for a walk, revved up on the day’s glitches, decide (:/) to watch some sinister documentary on my phone as I walk in the woods… and end up hurtling down a hill, twisting my ankle and wrist, and cracking my coccyx. Wail. Phone G, who kindly comes to meet me.
  • I sit nursing self while G cooks.
  • G had looked at my computer while I was out. The wifi had been running at 50% today. That was it. And the world wasn’t trying to do me over.

That was Tuesday. Today’s Thursday. I’m still v bruised and limping. But I’ve had time to realise I needed to calm down, internally.

What about when lockdown ends..?

I’ll tell you something that contributed to me spinning myself out,  I believe in retrospect: a beloved family member, who lives 1.5h drive away, saying on Monday evening, ‘Come for lunch on Sunday. You know, the three of you, come over, and we’ll have a socially distanced lunch in the garden. Or Friday? Or Sat? Or the next weekend? When can you come?’

I can’t begin to explain my response. Maybe I’ve developed Stockholm syndrome towards this Lockdown, but my internal response was “Noooooooo!!!”. Why?:

  1. It’s still massively against the guidelines to go and visit, especially in groups – fines apply
  2. This beloved person is meant to be properly shielding.
  3. I’ve so benefitted from the simplicity of not travelling anywhere (I’ve been to the nearby city once, and out to the local Co-op/Sainsbury/pharmacy’s in the nearest town maybe 8 times in 10 weeks). My car’s now sitting on the drive with a flat battery fhs!
  4. I’ve so benefitted from having weekends: one day to rest; one day to get the house in order; ready for a new week of focussed work.
  5. I’ve so benefitted from a rigid routine – for my MH but also for my physical health – I’m losing weight, I’m going to bed earlier, I’m (generally) less stressed, I averted the complete burnout I was teetering towards back in March.
  6. I’ve benefitted from seeing people virtually – that’s fine for me! Let’s have Sunday lunch on Zoom, when you live 1.5 hours drive away. The old “when can you come over?” phrase (which I’ve had from a couple of sources tbh) Fills Me With Dread. I feel dread partly because I’m working SO hard (I’m self-employed – in the apocalypse, self-employed people don’t take breaks) that I don’t have acres of ‘free time’; but also because the phrase makes me recall that old era paradigm where people would yank each other over to their space as a sort of ritual of socialising. So much Time and Energy expended and drained! (To the question, ‘When can you come over?’, you can’t say ‘I can’t’ indefinitely because it’s rude – so you eventually go, sometimes out of joy and love, and sometimes out of duty / politeness / being worn down / to get it over with…? They will never know which.)
  7. This Lockdown has allowed me to be properly autistic and I now don’t want  to run my life any other way because I’ve seen how much better I feel, and because I’ve seen how much I can achieve when I’m not pissing my precious energy up the wall on travel and people-mixing in (what we used to call) ‘real life’.

There we go. That’s what it is. Good to have that off my chest. That’s helpful. Ehem. Thank you.


I learnt something using this HRV monitoring device today. The second, I mean the second, I have a ‘future-thinking’ thought, my heart slips out of coherence. So, I was looking at the Inner Balance app (linked to my heart rate by the ear piece) and admiring my coherence levels, and I think to myself, “Hm, I might repeat this 5 minute session once it’s done.” And, bzzz, the phone vibrated to let me know I’m out of coherence. Amazing.

Think how I spend my days: constantly thinking about what’s next, constantly therefore, in limited coherence, or incoherence.

So when they say, ‘get in the present moment’ and ‘the power of now’ IT’S NOT JUST PHILOSOPHY – IT’S BIOLOGY!!

This good-frequency, heart-based living occurs best when we are, as they’ve said all along, in a state of appreciation, with our mind in the present.

How shall I incorporate this in to my days?

By building a system which allows you to be in appreciation of the present moment. This is the ‘upstream’ thinking that Dan Heath is really offering you. The opportunity to set up your LIFE, so that you have days full of opportunity for being in the present. In truth, unless you can be in a calm present moment state with your clients, you are simply passing on little waves of incoherence between each other. Holding heart coherence next to another person is your greatest gift to them. 

Your well-organised clinic is slowly moving you in this direction. Systematise the heck out of your work! Use that wonderful autistic wiring to create your WOC (well-organised clinic) so that you can be Present to your clients. 

In truth, if you do this, you will be able to travel and BE in the physical presence of others, without feeling you are leaving work unfinished… Yes, being in the physical presence of others is important – because of the heart fields intertwining. BUT, stabilise your heart coherence so you’re not picking up another’s incoherence should they be in incoherence – and don’t be afraid to be with others so that they can reboot their coherence. KNOW that is what is happening – settle soft (and hard) in to your chosen state, so you don’t deviate, close your empathic antennae in a bit  – and know that sometimes the greatest service we can give to another is to lend them our peace for a second. You know that’s what others (L, A, G) do for you… 

Tysm. Spot on. I see it. Ty.

Systematise the heck out of your work! And be Present. 



Pivot 90: I am learning what makes my Heart sing

Yesterday, ‘running an organised clinic’ was such a satisfactory and heart-lifting day. There was a powerful experience of NO LONGER being head down pushing my own agenda/business, grimly grinding through ‘back stage’ admin, but of being re-organised and re-orientated towards availability. My new scheduling system is amazing. No more emails about ‘diarising’ , and then, when in scheduled meetings (with a start and an end, crucially), people (and me) valuing my/our limited time, and our being more efficient.

I had this strong sense of…:

‘It’s my mission in mediation to facilitate the improved psychological wellbeing of all.’ #IPWOA

Why ‘of all’? Well, in mediation, when we find resolution, this brings IPW to the parties, to their families/colleagues/dependents, to me (I am nourished by the work), the community and the All across time and space- intergenerational healing is a thing to.

I can’t tell you the relief this brings, because it so RESONATES. Something has happened in these last weeks that’s allowed me to feel I can be of service in the psychological sphere – before, I had withheld that belief…

[Study Time: Did the intro to the Mindfulness at Work 7 day course]

Yesterday, my Inner Balance  device arrived. Let’s try it out with the app too. Here’s an intro video.


That was interesting! The Inner Balance heart monitor and smart phone app make for a clever, simple biofeedback device. If your mind jumps on to something funky (= heart incoherence), you can see it on the screen (and the phone buzzes). Similarly, once you rise into a heart-focussed state (heart coherence) you see that too. And the shift is palpable in the body – I’d just never noted that Feeling 1 was ‘incoherence’ and Feeling 2 was ‘coherence’. That’s what biofeedback is for – to coach you into knowing your own body and brain better, and reading its signals better.

A bit daunted that I’m meant to use it for 5 mins 3 times a day. Let’s see!

I noted that settling in to a thought of ‘well-organised clinic’ gave me excellent heart coherence!

So for today?

Use your Inner Balance machine – before events with other people. 

I have 2 client calls, an online training to deliver and my fortnightly psychotherapy.

Perfect. Note down what thoughts/images give you a sense of heart coherence. 

Ah, this is the Memory Bank idea I had.

Exactly. What is in your past, present and future Memory Bank? What uplifts your Heart. 

So use the Inner Balance not just to calm myself before meetings with people, but to work out what makes my Heart sing… Nice. 

I am learning what makes my Heart sing