Pivot 75: Breathe bright like a candle

Shortly after yesterday’s positive start, I fell off a cliff, psychologically. Listening to my Heart it only said, “Rest, Sleep, Rest, Relax, Stop, Float About…” When I did collapse into bed, exhausted just from taking a shower, I felt, ‘I’m so tired. maybe my body is healing something it needs to heal’. I later counted 22 minutes of work across the whole day. I couldn’t stand the thought of it. Also, I finally started my new computer going – which took 5 hours to transfer data. My phone ran out of battery so I plugged it in for two hours so I could take it out for a walk – only to find that the cable hadn’t been plugged into the wall. Eventually, eyes spinning and distress submerging me, I turned on the telly. A 1955 film was just starting: All That Heaven Allows. (Nice.) It’s message? ‘To thine own self be true.’ Most bizarrely, when I thought depression and anxiety were on the brink of toppling me, a random black dog literally turned up on my back doorstep… He’d escaped from a neighbours’ half a mile away it turned out.

Eventually I made it out for a walk. Listening to Kryon, Lorie Ladd and Abraham, while once again lost in the beautiful woods, it became clear to me:

  • I need to learn to breathe
  • Why, because I need to get into my body
  • If I breathe I touch emotional pain and density – and that is the work – don’t shrink from it
  • Breathe into the density – and thereby clear it – not just from self but on behalf of our all
  • Inhale / sniff into the pain. It’s ok. Let it illuminate the Heart space when you do.

Then, today, I woke up with a panic attack at 4.30am. At 5am, instead of getting up as I would tend to do with panic, I decided to try to simply make an exercise of breathing into the panic, very very softly. I imagined myself to be a candle, whose flame was fed by my breathing, and the feeling of panic and pain was merely the sensation of the flame burning brightly. Somewhere before 6am I fell asleep for another hour of deep sleep and woke up refreshed.

I must keep to my routine today to get the best chance of staying ahead of it all, and it’s 8am now. Time for qigong. It’s chilly again, but I might go out on the patio anyway. Your message for today?

The light from your candle illuminates worlds inside yourself and out. Keep breathing. Keep moving. Get in your body and stay there while you do your thing today. 

More tomorrow – for now – keep breathing in and keep breathing out, as your dear mother used to say.

Breathe bright like a candle

Ty. x



Pivot 74: I am tuning into my Heart and listening

Here I am, feeling good on this new day. The first/second day of morning rain since lockdown began 36 days ago, by the way. A quick lockdown update:

Here’s The Sun’s review the lockdown so far:

And #Panorama is trending this morning after last night’s broadcast:



Back to my real time perspective. Here I am, feeling good on this new day. I slept a glorious 8h21mins. Yesterday was remarkable.

I set out with the intention to listen and respond to my body, checking into SENSING and performing U-turns wherever I felt I was being directed to by the Feel Good GPS. (Maybe I’m so sensitive for a good reason, I reminded myself.) I kept checking in to and with the sensations of the body with the expectation I’d need to take action to adjust towards Feeling Good or Feeling Even Better. You need to follow the directions given by the Feel Good GPS to get to Feel Good Town! And mostly, dear friends, the direction given was:

“Giddup, geddonup!” and

“You gotta move your body”

The body was saying “move me!” or as we used to say up north,


So I kept moving: I did my qigong on the patio (I’ve bought the subscription to Holden Qigong now). I set up my desk as a standing desk with the kitchen footstool on the table, and worked for my allotted morning 2 hours (‘work as a privilege’ – limit work to feel good) while standing and swaying. Somehow, almost without thinking, I found myself posting my new (homemade, imperfect, but heartfelt) mediation brochure to my website in a blog, and then… without thinking on it too much or adding ‘excess potential’ but just sensing and following impulses… simply putting it on LinkedIn and Twitter – to my network of over a thousand people. Well done. It was, though I say it myself, really well done. I Felt Good to have done it.

I also decided to treat my training of yesterday as a ‘group mediation’: Start by ensuring we had all stated and explored the problem. Then use the session to provide/foster/define the answer. It worked! By the end, the team had committed to using the tool I was teaching them with – as the natural solution to their problem. Much better approach.

I also connected with my heart. I can’t explain… On my walk. I listened to these meditations by trance channellers. They focussed on the heart. And something clicked into place. I was/am in a different space. The voice of the heart speaks softly (while the head dictates and shoves). I needed that shift.

Lastly, I had the most beautiful news: One of the most cherished souls in my entire world (A.) went for a post-cancer treatment biopsy, on the last bits of unexplained shadows in the CT scan she’d had after her unspeakably gruelling treatment. Only, once at the appointment, the doctor could no longer find those shadows. There was nothing to perform a biopsy on. So, she and husband came home. Without telling us how the appointment had gone, A. set a Zoom call with me and the girls (her granddaughters) for the evening – and we were braced for the absolute worst. So this precious news was just the best thing imaginable. A. described coming into the drive on returning home from the hospital with her husband (N.) driving, and seeing her car parked there – and gasping at the thought that she would one day drive it again. She had assumed she never would. A & N may remain shielded in lockdown til next spring (can you imagine it???!) but we agreed we would visit when we could, and shout across the garden, and celebrate renewed life.

May I follow the soft voice of my heart again today. May I remain in the proximity of the good feeling sensations. May I learn more clearly today what it means to live and to live well – in peace, resonating with gentle joy. May I finish my day even more rested and replenished than when I started it, by knowing that the open, tuned-in heart is where it’s at.

Welcome to the voice of your heart. It speaks sweetly and softly, doesn’t it? It is so wise! It knows the directions of your inner being, which is to say it is your Heart that speaks the directions of your Feel Good GPS. Are you pleased to hear that? 

I am! I need this. Just this morning, I read someone talking about RDS – a factor of ADHD, but also autism. It stands for Rejection Sensitivity Dysfunction (here’s one earlier ref). It seemed to explain a great deal of my stress – about emails, comms, phone calls, texts, training… The only place I felt free of it was/is in my casework, where for once, the distress of the dear beautiful person before me was clearly greater than my own, and I could have the gift of helping them reduce their distress – knowing that their infinite vulnerability was part of the human condition because I feel it too….


One commenter on the thread added: ‘Forgive me if I’m wrong about this but isn’t this just anxious or disorganised attachment? It would make sense given the connection between ADHD and early attachment rupture/ insecure attachment.

I just want to raise this as useful learning for me today.

While we’re learning about the voice of my heart..;

Excellent. And do know that is the voice of your sweet beautiful Head that contributes the very ‘real’ RSD you experience. The voice of your Heart contributes, quietly, a very direct message in any moment, about what you might do, say, be or have which aligns with the feeling of perfect wellbeing. The Head is louder, and the feelings of dysphoria had become so normalised to you that you felt ‘floaty’ without them. Hence the tendency towards leaning into substances for grounding. 

And so, this rejection sensitivity which so blights my days with it’s lashings of guilt and worry… What does my Heart have to say on these matters?

The Heart simply says: ‘Tune into me and listen. Tune into me and listen. Tune into me and listen.’ 

Ok. I will. Thank you. x

I am tuning into my Heart and listening. 


Pivot 73: I am using my body as a Feel Good GPS

Here’s what I learnt about tuning into Feel Good FM yesterday:

  • Breathe and wriggle (eg neck or spine) to reboot when feeling stuck
  • Invite ‘Lurking Concerns’ to step forward for reassurance or action – do a SCARF (David Rock) check on them
  • State, ad infinitum, “iFeel Good now because…” and fill in the blank – endlessly programming the brain to attend to and magnify what increased the good feeling
  • Limit work – because work currently means sitting on my backside with no direct human interaction, and that traps stress, is mentally exhausting, and makes me lose conditioning (I felt so heavy and slow this weekend.) Treat work as a privilege and limit myself to up to 5 hours on the backside, or 6 if there’s a 3 hour client session. Otherwise, up on the feet and moving the body!

It’s Monday morning, and yet again the prospect of work is making me feel sick with stress. I am training a team of quite focussed/stressed HR professionals today. I don’t know them. They know each other. They don’t want to waste their time – no one does, yet training invariable fundamentally runs that risk for people. I am awash with cortisol. I am back to thinking not sensing. I f***ing hate it.

The One Priority is to Feel Good. Not just at the weekends but every day. Think: ‘363 days left before the simulator is switched off…’ Would you want to run towards the end like a panting marathon runner, or would you prefer to slip into zen consciousness and draw to the end in a state of…



I want to be awake, please.

Ok. So, this Feeling Good business. It’s central. 

I remember Abraham speaking really clearly on this. Let me find a quote…

There are a few. The phrase I looked for was ‘selfish enough to prioritise feeling good‘.

What a trip, eh? To prioritise feeling good? What seemingly ‘Critically Important’ facets of your life would you need to give up to feel good?

Doing work that upsets my beautiful, Aspie nervous system. Like training.

“But you’re really good at training! And the money is good and safe.”

But. It. Frazzles. Me. In a way that casework doesn’t. I have a choice:

  1. Resign from all training now, and tell my agencies I won’t do it.
  2. Put energy and attention into casework so it grows organically.

Number 1 feels like the quickest way to relief and feeling good, but financially it might be a bit churlish seeing as we’re in the situation we are in.

Number 2 needs my courage, clarity and commitment.

Can you feel the good feeling feelings about casework? 


Can you revel in that for a moment? 


Who is that imagined scenario helping? 

Well the clients, but also me.

Can you be selfish enough to accept the gift of a work scenario which feeds and uplifts and nourishes you? 

Yes. I love to be a problem-solver. I love that. I love to meet people who believe they have completely intractable problems and take them on a process which unravels the problem and welcomes the solution. That is good for me. It’s reassuring, and it makes me feel I know my place in the world. The juicier the problem the better, because I know that as it unravels, we are all coming into contact with something bigger than any of us. And the trust and faith of the clients is what turns on the tap of that incoming goodness.

Sounds pretty good. No wonder you like it..

Yes. No wonder..! So, how best can I prioritise tuning into Feel Good FM today, and this week?

Your intention must be really clear. Not vacuous or ‘flaccid’. 

Ha. Ok!

If your intention says: ‘Here I am, in my world, owning what feels good for me, tuning into my Feel Good FM station, and benefitting from my connection with my Source, and basking in the connectedness I now sense with all beings. Here I am, connecting my heart to my work, and gently decommissioning my head. Here I am, thanking my head for having done its very best, and now relaxing into being a heart-centred worker bee in the hive of all sweetest honey. Here I am, thanking myself for all my hard work in the past, and now accepting the pure goodness that comes from saying “Yes!” to that which makes me feel good. Here I am, welcoming the paradigm of Feeling Good into my world, and inviting it to settle in and to stay. Here I am, loving my beautiful brain and my incredibly vibrant nervous system, and offering them the bounty of SENSING over thinking.’ …then you really will be in a happy place. 

Beautiful. It’s about embracing that selfishness…

More than that, it’s about embracing the SENSE of feeling good. Again, you gotta be out of thought-mode, you gotta be in your body to feel good. The feeling good is sensed not thought, ok? 

Ok, get in my body, and sense feeling good. And if I don’t sense feeling good? Move, change, shift?

Use your body as a Feel Good GPS system, and remain ‘alive’ to it’s guidance. If your body is saying, “At the next roundabout perform a U-turn!” then follow it’s guidance. Stop hurtling the wrong way down the dual carriageway and expect to get to your desired destination. Take the U-turns when your body indicates. 


Ok. Ty. I will do this thing. 🙂 May I listen carefully to the directions of my body.

I am using my body as a Feel Good GPS



Pivot 72: I am tuning in to Feel Good FM

While ‘downloading love into myself’ yesterday (a Saturday) and easing out of THINKING and into SENSING for that purpose, I came to a realisation:

‘THAT is why we [autistics] stim! To move out of THINKING and into the SENSING within which love downloads itself naturally in to us.’

My most blissed out states are I’m in stim mode. On the other hand, my (distressed) verbal tics erupt when I’m over-thinking.

For me, the working week is all about the over-thinking. Especially this last week, as I’ve been hustling to breathe life into my Covid-capsized business. So much over-thinking. So much masking… So much wanting to do these little incoming jobs right…

It was hard to relax as I lay out on the lawn, in the beautiful sunshine (it’s been sunshine central allllll of Lockdown). I suddenly had an idea – a concept, a ruse.

What if ‘they’ said,

“We’re turning off the (your) simulator in a year’s time. The deal on our part: no illness and also, no one left grieving. And on your part: no communicating the news to anyone, or hedging your life with clever tricks, or giving up work or earning, or throwing away what you currently are in the hope you’ll dodge the reality. Carry on ‘as normal’. Your ‘profile’ for this life will be ‘tallied’ on the very last day – not as a competition or exam, but as a righteous celebration of this, your own, particular dalliance in the physical plane in the undertaking of your SAS-style soul training – aka human life. This wonderful stimulation will be switched off in a year. Game over! Enjoy your last year in this thing called Life: the exceptional, blessed, revelatory, accelerating physical Academy of the Soul!

This somehow reached me in the way that other concepts haven’t. ‘Live each day as if it were your last’ irks me as I certainly wouldn’t be at work, I’d be with my loved ones! And, ‘imagine you’ll die in a year’ has me all worried about tragedy… But this turning off of the simulation which is the Academy of the Soul… it tickles me because it assumes this life is an exercise in consciousness.

If I had this news, and it was for real, what would happen to my perspective?

Well, the conclusion I came to yesterday, based on my recent intense studies of Abraham (whom I have loved and followed for over a decade – and still learn from like a delighted novice), is that I would want to find ways to Feel Good, all day every day!

I decided I would tune in to Feel Good FM. 

Tuning in is the act of conscious creation. How did we tune in to TV channels on old tellies? We LOOKED AT THE PICTURE ON THE SCREEN, and we kept twiddling until we got the output that pleased us! If there was noise, interference or even a crystal clear programme that just displeased you, you kept twiddling – you kept tuning and retuning.

The same with old radios. Twiddle and tweak, twiddle and tweak, until you got the programme you wanted.

Yes. Look at this!

What does FM stand for? Frequency Modulation

So my Feel Good FM radio station stands for Feel Good Frequency Modulation?! I LOVE IT! May we all modulate our frequencies to the Feel Good broadcast!

Keep twiddling, keep finding what feels good, keep tweaking. It’s an inside job. 

Right! Frequency modulation is an inside job. You can imagine the martyrs in fetid prisons, tuned into the bliss of communion; and compare them with the prince in the palace, tuned into his dissatisfaction and magnifying that frequency with every thought and action.

In life, I have tried to rearrange my external conditions, to give myself pleasure and the good feeling thoughts. I have lamented my conditions, as if doing so would impel me to take action to change them… But now, looking at the world from this moment. The external conditions, the shifts and occurrences, are so massive, looking at them as they are is enough to topple my heart!


Frequency modulation – twiddling, tweaking, tuning to your chosen programme – it’s an inside job. It’s a job that that never ends. As you get better and better at it, life conforms to the Feel Good programme you have expertly tuned to. It’s a comfort, at the very least, and an absolute bliss factory in its essential function. There is so much fun to be had with it! Look! Your Feel Good programme would like to provide you with an alternative and additional lockdown image: 


I like it. 🙂 What more do I need to know, to play with it today?

Yesterday you were using your thumb and forefinger as if miming tweaking a tiny tuning button. Excellent anchoring. Tune and tune and tweak and twiddle across the day.

I found a picture of the type of radio we had growing up!

Photo of a Roberts R23 transistor radio from the 1970s
Roberts R23 transistor radio 1970s

The twiddling used to frustrate me!

Until you got the right channel, in which case the frustration dissipated, right?

Ha! Yes.

So, if you feeeeeeeeel frustration today, know that you are not yet tuned into the right channel. Twiddle and tweak. When you frequency modulate to Feel Good FM, you’ll know – and the frustration you felt will dissipate. It’s not the radio which is frustrating. The radio is an immaculate receiver using the laws of physics impeccably. It’s not the radio station causing frustration either. Feel Good FM broadcasts with an excellent signal wherever you are – and whatever (hear this), whatever is going on in your world. The slip between cup and lip sits with the tuner, the twiddler, the tweaker. 

Become an expert tweaker, twiddler, tuner. That is the way to stay tuned in to Feel Good FM. What a great way to spend the last 365 days in the Life Simulator. That really is Level Expert, dear heart. 

I feel quite emotional.

As well you might. These are giddily good emotions here at Feel Good FM! “Stay tuned in!” 

Ha. Excellent. I’ve loved this. Thank you!

I am tuning in to Feel Good FM

Hand tuning a radio


Pivot 71: I am downloading love into myself

You’ll see from my drawing yesterday, this insight was the outcome of my thoughtlessness non-mullings:

I am shrinking my thinking and fencing my sensing

AT 24apr20

I figured that: if my mind is focussed on the past or future, I’m in THINKING mode – and likely High Thought, as my beautiful Aspie brain tends not to think lightly.

On the other hand, if my mind is on the present ‘now’ moment, I am not in thought, I am pretty much just SENSING. (I expect this is exactly what beloved Tolle wrote in The Power of Now, but it’s been a while since I read it and we all learn in cycles…)

So, rather than wait to spot if I’m thinking or sensing, why not spent more time/energy on SENSING, knowing that sensing and thinking can’t really co-occur, and thus knowing that sensing is a fair route out of thinking.

By fencing my sensing I mean ‘protecting’ my sensing faculty, by actively allowing it, encouraging it, fostering it – and not letting the urgent impulse to THINK derail the lightness of SENSING.

(It’s almost as if I’d just invented mindfulness… 😀 )

And so. And so. Can I sense your considerations on this topic?

Oh yes! We’d much rather you sensed with us than talked with us. That is how it all works best. Telepathy is the ultimate communication, is it not? And it comes in thought-bundles, which your mind downloads and unpacks with immense ease…. w h e n ….you are in sensing mode. Not so much when in thinking mode. When you are in thinking mode, it’s like we’re trying to play you a song while you’ve got the radio on in the background. You see? 

I do see! To the degree that seeing is a sense! I see that you are communicating with me in a non-linear way. And that excites me, at which point I start thinking. Funny that…

Excitement is a faculty of the nervous system. One of the great opportunities of the human experience today is to ‘get on top of’ the nervous system, as it were. That is why the world filled with massage therapists and body workers after 1987. And why mindfulness practice has finally become mainstream, thank goodness! Getting on top of the nervous system means learning to RELAX it. 

And how do you relax the nervous system?

The first thing you do is take away from your nervous system the threat of your very self. You are the biggest threat to your nervous system because you make yourself do things that are against your inner will. Don’t you? 

Sure! That’s what being a grown up is all about though, no? If I just follow my hedonic brain where it cares to lead me, I end up fat, drunk and asleep. Not exactly consciousness paradise, is it?

Your inner will and your hedonic brain are different ‘beasts’. Your inner will – seated in what Abraham calls the Inner Being – is borne out of your sorting and sifting of life. It is akin to the ‘Vortex’ Abraham speaks of.

What often happens for you is that you force yourself go down one route, but your Inner Being is all set for something else…that is going against your inner will, whether inspired by the hedonic brain, or more likely, the egoic mind. 

For example, you say, ‘Training is so tiring; I’d like to do more casework.’ At which point your Inner Being readies itself for more casework, with glee, because it loves to learn what you like! That intention now becomes your inner will. Imagine how your Inner Being feels when you then spend a week working on training, saying “Yes!” to new training, and not getting your casework offer out there. 


No. Fraught. Tense. Confounded. Or, to be precisely accurate, that is how you feel. Your Inner Being has endless patience and profound detachment and remains ‘unmoved’. But your nervous system gets scrambled when you act outside the intention and inner will that you previously created by your sorting and sifting of the liked and not-liked. 

Oh… man. I can see that might be A Thing.

Similarly, when you have developed the Inner Will to eat well, and your follow your Hedonic Mind to overeating, your nervous system gets tense.

And upon that note, shall we clarify the next step? 

Yes please.

Clue: it does not involve self-chastisement. It does involve some self-compassion. But more than anything, to overcome the stress of acting outside your own Inner Will, and to reduce the likelihood of your acting outside your own Inner Will, one thing is needed in spectacular quantities. 

What is that one thing?


And this love… which in principle I’m ALL over… tell me…

Love is sensed not thought. 

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I see. That hits home.

In order to love you must sense. In order to sense you must be in the present moment. 

If 99.4% of your day is spent in thinking mode (past/future) you can’t SENSE enough to download enough love to even breathe… let alone to harness the energy and willpower to work with the desires and dreams of your inner being. 

To even breathe… Split infinitive aside…

Used for emphasis. 🙂

… I hear you. Much of the time, my breath is held. Literally. I don’t breathe deeply.

Creating acidosis. 

Which makes me inflamed, swollen, tired, hormonal…

And so…

If I spent more time in the present moment, sensing, not only would I breathe better, I’d be able to download love?

Downloading love into yourself is literally the most valuable thing you can do for yourself and for the planet. And yes, you can do it by breathing. In the present moment. 

Shrinking my thinking…

Fencing your sensing. 

Breathing deeply.

And downloading love into yourself. 

More on this another day. You get the idea. Play with this today. Sense it. 

Got it. Tysm. x

I am downloading love into myself




Pivot 70: I am getting thoughtless

‘Kindness’ is such a beautiful driver – and brake. It emboldens us towards others and it takes the selfish impulses out of our intentions.

Yesterday, I went for a beautiful evening bike ride in the countryside. Only three cars passed by me on the entire 45 minute cycle. Cycling homewards, half way up the hill (and still out in the empty countryside), I ran out of puff and pulled over. I noticed someone was powering up the hill behind me. So, putting aside my embarrassment about visibly not making it up the not-so-steep hill, I turned round and encouraged my fellow cyclist: “You’ve got this! You can do it!” – bcs #KindnessKounts, right? To my surprise, the cyclist cries out, “Oh my goodness! Is it you?!” Amazingly, it turned out to be an old friend I hadn’t seen for a couple of years! (SH) We wouldn’t have spotted each other unless I’d turned and shouted out – and tbh, unless I’d run out of steam going up the hill! It was SO utterly lovely to have a real life, in person, human-to-human chat (at a lockdown-safe 2 metres)!

So, for today. Where should my intentions range?


Excuse me?

The impulses of kindness have been beetling through you. Your cares for the world’s affairs – at a 3D and 4D and 5D level – have been impeccable. Your consciousness of all possibilities for the coronavirus and it’s impact on others have been vivid. Your attention to the needs of your household and loved ones has been commendable. Your hard pushing on your business has been esteemable. 

But now, it’s time to give your brain box some rest. 

I am mentally exhausted. We all are, I imagine. There’s so much uncertainty – and potential ‘threat’ in an invisible, inscrutable way. And we can only communicate with each other via technology. That’s surely enough to  have all our amygdalae on the hop.

It’s the Aspie Zen Zone again isn’t it…? I’ve slipped on my meditation practice having finished Zen Mind…

It’s ok! It’s all ok. It’s all perfect and beautiful. You have been working your brain very hard. And you have been doing Good Work. 

I’ve been searching, for the satisfaction of a job well done…

You have been doing Good Work, in immeasurably tough circumstances. 

It’s true! Can I share an anonymous post I had saved elsewhere, which I found on Facebook, clearly written from the US perspective a few weeks ago, but not far off the UK situation:

Just so I NEVER forget….. April 3, 2020
  • Gas price a mile from home was $1.55
  • School cancelled – yes cancelled
  • Self-distancing measures on the rise.
  • Tape on the floors at grocery stores and others to help distance shoppers (6ft) from each other.
  • Limited number of people inside stores, therefore, lineups outside the store doors.
  • Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed.
  • Parks, trails, entire cities locked up.
  • Entire sports seasons cancelled.
  • Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events – cancelled.
  • Weddings, family celebrations, holiday gatherings – cancelled.
  • No masses, churches are closed.
  • No gatherings of 50 or more, then 20 or more, now 5 or more.
  • Don’t socialize with anyone outside of your home.
  • Children’s outdoor play parks are closed.
  • We are to distance from each other.
  • Shortage of masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers.
  • Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill.
  • Panic buying sets in and we have no toilet paper, no disinfecting supplies, no paper towel no laundry soap, no hand sanitizer.
  • Shelves are bare.
  • Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE.
  • Government closes the border to all non-essential travel.
  • Fines are established for breaking the rules.
  • Stadiums and recreation facilities open up for the overflow of Covid-19 patients.
  • Press conferences daily from the President. Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths.
  • Government incentives to stay home.
  • Barely anyone on the roads.
  • People wearing masks and gloves outside.
  • Essential service workers are terrified to go to work.
  • Medical field workers are afraid to go home to their families.

This is the Novel Coronavirus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020. Why, you ask, do I write this status? One day it will show up in my memory feed, and it will be a yearly reminder that life is precious and not to take the things we dearly love for granted. We have so much! Be thankful. Be grateful. Be kind to each other – love one another – support everyone. We are all one! ❤


Indeed: We Are All One.

And wonderful, joyous examples of unity-overcoming-human-isolation are emerging! Look at this:



So, ‘thoughtlessness’. Tell me more.

When we think, we burn energy. The battery of our self is consumed fast under complex thought. But also, the thinking – especially ruminative thinking, or executive functioning thinking – creates ‘worlds’. It creates scenarios which the person ‘lives’ out – and spends energy on. In the ideal scenario, a person is highly selective about their thinking. They reduce thought. 

Why do they reduce thought?

To kick up less psychic dust. 

And what, pray tell, is psychic dust?

By psychic dust is meant the little ripples of unwanted thought-product.

Like, if I think about the ‘difficulties’ of Covid-19, I create a little eddy of extra stuff in my energetic world?

Nicely put. Yes. 

There’s a lot of tricky stuff to think about, or not… But largely I’m not ‘hooking’ on to the thoughts of it. I am however, hooking on the thoughts of work. And on ‘outcomes’ and success and of… I don’t know. If I’m honest, I haven’t even LOOKED directly at the fact that my business has fallen off a cliff because of Covid-19. I can’t be accused of ruminating on that!

“Unexpected item in the bagging area.”

You are running out of storage space. Free up some memory.” 

New update available.”

Hello? Did I glitch you?

You ran away with yourself, and with the thought party. You were creating eddies. 

Aha. Yes! I get it.

Teach me about Thoughtlessness. It’s kind of funny that this ‘lesson’ comes after Kindness… 🙂

Thoughtlessness is about being in a loose, general state. It’s like dear Esther Hicks, when she goes into what Abraham called (in one of the conversations) a kind of ‘altered state of consciousness’. When in that state, she lets the good stuff in. The good stuff arises. The good stuff is always, and we mean always, there to be played with and relished. But you can’t get there when you are in High Thought mode.

In High Thought mode you are in a fast car, racing through the countryside so fast you can only focus on the tarmac in front of you. In Thoughtlessness mode, you are on your sweet bicycle, marvelling at the cow parsley close by in the hedgerows, and the treelined horizons in the distance. 

In High Thought mode, all that matters is the so-called destination. In Thoughtlessness mode, the present intricacies of the journey are to be relished. And appreciated. 

In High Thought mode, complexity is valued. In Thoughtlessness mode, simplicity is valued. 

Get thoughtless, and see what happens. 

Ok. Sounds good. And look, yet another day of bright sunshine… What a nice day to be thoughtless in…

I am getting thoughtless. 

AT 24apr20




Pivot 69: I am unleashing my kindness

Bit. By bit. By bit…. Turning myself to those who ‘seek relief’. Developing self-forgetfulness tentatively, with gripped fingers, like an ascending rock-climber trying her best to have faith in her belay line as she climbs.


  • Time on the phone with loved ones struggling under the lockdown circumstances (and some of the situations are acute).
  • Tending to my mediation offer – overcoming the reticence to ‘push myself forward’.
  • Trying to think less about the potential ‘response’ and more about what I think and feel I can offer from my true self
  • Finally directly offering my free Covid-19 key worker service to the local hospital (and being received with thanks for the ‘generous’ offer) 🙂
  • Beautiful psychotherapy session – working with the lively ‘part’ of me which ‘swooshes out’ that which is not needed or wanted; which ‘energetically pushes back’.
  • Daily routine – beautiful. Except after sleepless nights, when I just need to crash out for much of the day.


  • Nights of raging anxiety and body twitching with trapped stress
  • Mental exhaustion from day after day of stillness at home, combined with constant mental ranging on telecalls or scanning the virtual horizon for ‘news’.
  • Developing commissioned training programmes, despite wanting to leave stressful training in favour of actual mediation cases.
  • The sense of uncertainty. Is lockdown continuing for three more weeks, or for a year?
  • The government spinning untruths… Honestly. It’s heart-breaking.
  • Glimpses of what’s happening behind the ‘screen’ of the pandemic… Stunning and shocking. Disclosure, revelations, machinations…

Sweet sister of mercy, bring your mercy. You are entirely right to foster your self-forgetfulness to that degree that it brings you relief. 

You are developing a balance of two beautifully intertwined concepts: 

  • Self-forgetfulness: this allows you to offer yourself up to support those who seek relief without self-consciousness, nor concerning your self about ‘What will they think of me?’ Your focus is on the person with the actual need. If a doctor thought, ‘How do I look in this emergency situation? What do people think of me?’ – well, you can imagine the outcome…
  • Self-remembrance: this allows you to recall what it was that you came here to do, to give, to be. It permits you to connect with that which stirs you, which resonates in you, which tickles you, which sets you spinning on the high-flying disc, which gets you feeling tuned in, tapped in and turned on, which plugs you into the Source from where YOU are. 

For an autistic person, this is all a bit…

‘…perfect’? Indeed. No one better than the finely-attuned autistic person to lift this two-fold baby off the ground. No one. You have it in you – all of you – to perform acts of enormous kindness when you balance your Self-forgetfulness and  Self-remembrance. How much kindness do you want to share? Well, watch out because karma is a kool kookie, and the goodness flows back round from whence it came. Can you trust that? Can you trust that if you really unleash your kindness, it will not exhaust you but give you more energy than you can shake a kookie at. Truly.

The kindness is where the tuned in, tapped in, turned on feeling lies. But it has to be 100% kindness, not the ‘yah, I’ve got time and energy for 60% kindness today, so hurry it all the heck up.’ No! That has no trust in it at all! That is conditional love. That says, ‘The universe is limited in the energy it has to give, and my slice is small, and you all ain’t having too much of mine.’

We are talking about skating upon the wide lake of ice with full confidence that it is solid. We want to see the triple turns, the leaps and the swoops. No edging yourself around the edge incase the ice cracks and you fall in… No! Trusting that the ice is rock solid. And spinning in your full glory in the middle of the lake. 

You say ‘unleash your kindness’. Can we define kindness?

Kindness comes from ‘kin’ – so it means, ‘as you would treat your kin’. All this world is your kin! You fell in to doubt about that for a moment. Just briefly. You saw some as a threat, or your enemy, or against you, or at risk of judging you. We saw that. A brief blink of the eye in the grand scheme. All are your brothers and sisters. Can you recall that in to your heart again? All are there for you, and you are there for all of them. No one, and we repeat, no one is here to ‘get you’. The universe truly is designed for all to flow into the evolution of their softest, happiest, most joy-filled self. Drop the resistance, and this becomes obvious to each of you. To drop the resistance, you simply need to assure yourself that everyone is here as your brother and sister. No complications to this point. 

See A Course In Miracles for a refresher if needed..!

Exactly. So, when we truly know we are amongst family, unleashing our kindness is like jumping into a warm pool. But jump in. Don’t stumble or hesitate on the edge, or you’ll slip and hurt yourself. Be coherent. Tune in, tap in and turn on… to kindness. 


And why are you clinging to the edge? Why are you hesitating as though ice water awaits you? As though you are going to get shocked at any moment? 

Dive in to the pool of your warm kindness. Skate upon the glistening ice of your expansive generosity. Playfully. Think general. Remind yourself that ‘kindness’ is the word of the day. And relax. 

Ok. Ty. I will. I am unleashing my kindness. #KindnessKounts

“I am unleashing my kindness.”

Pivot 68: Live your day in favour of those who seek relief

Another Monday morning where I’m woken by anxiety at 4am-ish. Let’s get on top of this now. I’m getting this feeling of the possibility of ‘the routine’, the template, the blueprint for the week – a constant pattern where there is simply less uncertainty, and less ‘being run along others’ tracks’. My beautiful Aspie brain yearns for certainty, rhythm, and the confidence that we are leading with Giving over Gaining – or at least, Serving over Striving. Can you speak to all this please?


While you are keen to work with routines and timetables you should know that you are now entering an epoch of timelessness.

What does this mean?

This means you are starting to move off linear time and into the arena of moments of eternity. This is why you are so keen for, and have been working towards, regularity and simplicity. You needed to wean yourself off linearity! It’s so stimulating to be on linear time, and that stimulation has been a source of comfort, just as being bounced in her mother’s arms is comforting to the baby. But you are learning to stand with two feet on the ground, and to blend and merge into timelessness. 

Well this Lockdown period has certainly been somewhat timeless. We’re all saying, ‘I don’t know what day it is’ and ‘Is it Christmas yet?’ It’s a source of amusement. Maybe that’s why I experience a wrench going back into the week every Monday, it suddenly feels so linear again.

Not if you set your time for you

That’s true. I’m nearly there! With Project One Jam. My intention is to offer one afternoon session a day, at the same time, or easily flipped with the morning if needed.

Stick to your guns. Clarity and self-determination are literally the order of the day. 


The order of the day = the way you order your day. 

Ah! Funny. I thought you meant, order as in command.

That also. That also! 

🙂 So… Clarity and self-determination. What is this about exactly?

You have to be clear about what you offer, and do, otherwise people can’t ‘see’ you. You’re too ephemeral. Like fairies in the woods. 

Daily Clinic at 2pm.

Say it aloud. 

“I run a Daily Clinic at 2.” I can’t believe I’m writing this aloud… Why am I?

To exemplify the evolving route. 


And what is the link between Daily Clinic at 2pm and timelessness, hm?

Hooks on the plains of eternity make it easier for you to liaise with your friends on the energetic level. 

I need to strip away old ways of doing things, don’t I?

You can either strip them away, or wait for them to decay. If we were in your physical shoes, we would strip them away, with glee. 

Because I can, right?

Because you can. 

What could I do this week really to satisfy myself and bring me a sense of relief, satiation and satisfaction, at the level of my inner being? Diving into the vortex, as it were.

Share. Your. Writing. That would be the blast of adventure you are looking for. 

I worry… that if I do, either it will be greeted with a dull thud (fear of rejection there in me) or that I will literally lose my ability to have these dialogues because I will become self-conscious.

These conversations are sincerely not just for you. If you think they are, then maybe you are missing the significance of this time. 

That idea makes me sad, ashamed… aggrieved. I’ve no idea how to come out.

Yes, you do. 

It’s true. Yes I do. And then I hesitate. And then it feels like a bad idea. And then I return to it. And then I hesitate. And then… Ultimately – how do I know I won’t lose my link with this ability to dialogue if I do share what I write?

You won’t really know until you do it. And then you will be surprised. 

And what if… Oh, please say something that will give me faith and trust and confidence that if I share this writing, I will be ok.

Empty your mind. 


Think of 5 women you trust. 

Write their names down. 

Now send the link to your writings to them in your mind, and note what you see. 

[Curiosity, astonishment, indifference, awe, pleasure.]

And now relax. Let it go. Move on. Live your day. 

I started reading Bringers of the Dawn again this weekend…  I love it so.

And are you glad that writing was shared so you could read it?

It came from a clear authority. I don’t know where this comes from, and if it’s just me, then I should keep it to myself. This dialoguing has always been about me healing and teaching me. It’s always been my answer to therapy. And therefore it should remain private. But… I wonder if there are others like me, who would benefit from my sharing this?

So you are a clear authority on you. That’s enough, isn’t it? 

It’s just so weird. And I don’t want to be misunderstood…

sh… Live your day. 

My message to take away?

Live your day in favour of ‘the survival of the weakest’

Weak is a pejorative term, no? I get that it’s the opposite of fittest… Is it like, ‘the meek’?

If you like. We think you know what is meant by ‘the weakest’. It is meant: those who do not have your privilege, your advantage, your luxury of lifestyle. You got a little bit used to being the vulnerable, or the victim, or the struggler – as you so self-identified. You didn’t notice that you became fit, empowered and endowed with immense advantage. Use it for those following in your footsteps towards these ‘sunny uplands’ of relief. Envision relief for all. Support those who are faltering at this time. Know that all will find relief. Support those who need the help up the last incline. 

Live your day in favour of those who seek relief.

Ok. Thank you. This is good. Blessings upon this planet at this time.

Live your day in favour of those who seek relief



Pivot 67: To Give is To Gain

Good morning. It is a bright and beautiful day. The sun is shining and the new leaves are relishing the light. How are we today?

All is well. As ever, all is well.

I’m aware of the importance at looking towards the light, the bright, the new, the growing…

The spring has sprung, and a new day has begun. 

Too right! A new day indeed. Something’s afoot on this planet. Half the world is in lockdown! HALF the WORLD is in LOCKDOWN.

Or, ‘Shutdown’ – rebooting the system, upgrading the operating software. 

Isn’t that just extraordinary?! I have this inkling, this sense, that some negative forces tried to create this whole global crisis situation with malevolent intent, but… ‘so powerful is the light of unity that it can illuminate the whole Earth.’

The light of unity is indeed the harbinger of the new dawn. 

We’re seeing something powerful occurring out of this enforced pause, aren’t we? Those of us away from the frontlines and in good health, are being granted time and space – to heal, to hear themselves think, to reconnect with loved ones, to sense our own intuition. The collective thoughts are resonating – some with fear or frustration – but others with a profound realisation of relief, borne out of resting and rebooting. It’s so important we choose which thought channel we want to add our thought to, because, I sense something is growing.

What do you sense is growing, dear soul? 

An intention. A determination. A clarity about loving each other, caring for each other, looking out for each other.

Ever since the school exams which pitch young soul against young soul, we are taught to compete against each other, to clamber over one another, to win the economic race… What is this set up?! The Hunger Games?! Who’s running it?

We see clearly at this time who really matters in this country – who the key workers really are. And how diverse they are! (And yes, we are bringing in generous workers from Europe to pick our fruit crops.) This society is empowered by its precious diversity, and we’re finding ways of articulating this fact now:


How will we keep hold of this nascent consciousness? How will we stop the amnesia returning after we’re let out of our cages again, and set back on the greyhound race track to chase that chimeric stuffed rabbit?

Over to you now. I’m getting heated.

There is no policy which can either stop or discourage the racism in your environs. But there is one truth which can keep everyone awake, and that is  this: ‘the survival of the weakest’ is the touchstone upon which a compassionate society thrives. Weakness is seen as a magnet for predators in the Old Way. In the New Way, empowered by fresh waves of empathy and love, weakness is an attractor for immense care and powerful compassion. In the New Way societies (and yours is late to this party), caring well for the weakest members is the way of nobility, of truth and of service. 

We are unspeakably cruel to the weakest in our society here.

Not always so. But there are competing forces at play. The magnetism of ‘financial gain’ pulls attention in the opposite direction to ‘principled care for the weakest ones’. It is hard to keep both factors in your vision at once, and when you do then you have to work hard not to let the former corrupt the latter. 

To prioritise the principle of GIVING over the pragmatic pull of GAINING, you need to do something very important. And that is BREATHE. 

GAINING is marked by breathlessness.

Yes, this is how I have felt over the last year of full time work. Panting, breathless, rushing at breakneck speed…

This these is sensitive given that breathlessness is the key symptom of this pandemic virus, but we want you to take this concept seriously.

Oxygen is life. Life is marked by the impulse to thrive. A collective which is losing its ability to breathe is one which has lost, or is at risk of losing, this intangible impulse to thrive. 

At a thought level?

It is more complex than wrong-thinking. Ask yourself: what would make someone lose their impulse to thrive? 

Oh, heavens. I can speak to this. Hopelessness, shame, fear, regret, disgust, loss… They all actively drive against our being, our sense of self, and because mind and body are linked, they compromise our immune system.

And what mechanisms do you have in your society to minister healing to those experiencing hopelessness, shame, fear, regret, disgust or loss? 

Um. None?! We used to have the church, or religious systems…

Follow us. This is delicate. The human spirit longs to heal and process deep emotions and to burn through karmic pains. To do so is like breathing fresh oxygen.

Ah. Oh, goodness. Yes. Carry on.

GIVING is like taking a deep breath, because it nourishes the sense of self, and because the impulse to give arises from the soul within the person. Giving connects the body to it’s unseen essence – and therefore to its impulse to thrive.

Ask yourself. How much are people granted the opportunity to GIVE, which is the birth right and the purpose of each soul? 

With the ‘shit jobs’, not so much. With the financial need for a mother to return to work when the child is but weeks months old, not so much. With the impoverishment suffered by those in most giving jobs (see key workers), not so much….

And so if people can’t GIVE as is their birthright, but must fixate on GAINING enough to live, what will they feel? 

Suffocated. Our economic model is suffocating to the people in it.

If a society is to breathe deeply, and stimulate that impulse to thrive, it must prioritise GIVING over GAINING.

Like nature. Nature gives first and foremost. It is abundant towards us. It is a garden of Eden. But we use Nature for our gain. We do not give back to it. We are in debt. We have created scarcity by our imbalanced taking.

To Give is a marvellous adventure. You think that giving leaves you impoverished, on your planet. But actually, the laws of the universe say this: to give is to gain. When this is understood, the planet breathes deeply. 

This is so profound. Again, I am reminded of my beautiful friend Janet C. who used to say “Thank you for giving me the opportunity to serve!” as she arrived unannounced on my doorstep with the ingredients to make soup for 30 people.

To prioritise Giving over Gaining is a marvellous adventure because it must be borne out of trust. Or even, faith. But trust is enough for now. We are talking about trust in the law of ‘To Give is To Gain’. It feels like an oxymoron at first, because you have been taught the very opposite by those who have created the framework for your societies. This is why you are all so exhausted. Stressed. And awash with poor mental health. You have been actively misled. You have been educated that ‘To Give is to Lose. To Gain is to Win.’ And as you ran that hopeless losers’ race, ever hoping the winners’ finishing line would appear, you have allowed your energy to be siphoned off to feed some other entity of which you know not. No wonder you are tired. No wonder, in your homes, with enough silence and stillness to hear your innate knowing for once in your goshdarn lives, you are rethinking your understanding of what makes your life tick. 

To Give is To Gain. Ponder on that, and see what you make of it. 

Honestly. I am so blown away by these dialogues.  I am so grateful. You give me hope. You give me healing. You give me stimulation to do, to act and to reconsider my life’s goals. Thank you.

You are welcome. This is all ‘you’ speaking to ‘you’ across the dimensions of time and space. There is nothing ‘special’ about this. It is the natural upshot of taking time to listen to what you already knew. 


To Give is To Gain


Pivot 66: Hold no fear

Dreams last night:

  • I’m talking with this older man – a professional, a journalist. Suddenly he starts shaking and sobbing. He has PTSD from spending time reporting in war zones.
  • I go to an auditorium to watch something, and sit up on a partition wall to get a good view. Teetering on the wall, I’m overcome by vertigo, but no one will help me down. Dizzy with terror, I throw myself off the wall and leave the building, without my shoes.
  • I’m swimming deep in a crystal clear diving pool. The teeniest baby comes swimming up past me. We both burst up to the surface breathless. The baby is so beautiful and incredible that I laugh and cry uncontrollably.

Trauma and lonely fear, gives way to rebirth.

The days we are in. Oh, my. The days we are in. Tell me. What’s going on from your perspective?

From our perspective, the air is clear. The light is bright. The restoration of goodness is coming to pass. 

It’s really important I hear you right today. I can’t be dealing with making stuff up… Speak as clearly as you can, please.

The message you want to hear from us is not the message we are prepared to give. However, there is news you might be pleased for us to divulge. 

Absolutely. Thank you. Go ahead.

If you turn over the page of fear at this time, the new chapter begins. In this new chapter, sovereignty is key. There is no more time for dalliance around ‘who’ is in charge. The who must be you. For all beings: the who must be you.

So, I must be in charge of my self, my reality.

Exactly so. Ask yourself, ‘Do I seek a leader? Do I seek someone to whom to defer?’ And if you do, simply redress the balance. 

I have been developing my ‘hard No’ somewhat. That’s good. The idea of last session about The New Way, has been so helpful. It’s helped me say ‘no’ to things – if they are of the Old Way. Instead of being bound by them, I’ve dropped them.


  • I was on a webinar about negotiation skills yesterday, led by the senior organisation in my field. It transpired the speaker was essentially teaching manipulation techniques, in a talk dripping with really skewed humour. Thinking, “This is the Old Way. Nope.” gave me the strength of overcome my ‘lets-not-offend’ trait, and hang up – even though a colleague of mine was a co-host on the webinar.
  • I’d been introduced to a financial adviser. On the second call, I got the sense they were hard-selling to me – and scare-mongering me about my future. I did some research, and sure enough, this national organisation has a reputation for over-charging with fees. Old Way. In advance of call number three yesterday, I stepped away from the process, honestly stating that the fees were too high.

In both examples, I decided not to be bound by these ‘high-profile’ or ‘prestigious’ institutions if they were acting Old Way.

How can I attune myself better to New Way? It’s like, I need to wake up more. An example would be: what will make me switch from using ‘easy’ (and unethical) Amazon, to supporting local organisations and their delivery services?

You ask about the New Way. Are you ready to hear what it is all about?

Of course.

Well buckle up because it’s going to be a ride. 

Yes? Tell me.

We will start here: sovereignty is not a fictional, fantastical notion. It is a not a throw-away ideal. It is a frequency field. 

Say what?

A frequency field. You step in to it. We mentioned earlier the image of turning over the page of fear to start a new chapter. Well right here, right now, is a good time to turn over that page. 

Consider it turned!

The new chapter, and the New Way, are marked by illumination. That is the opposite of darkness. It is the definition of light. It is the expression of all creative good in existence. 

And how best does one discern illumination?

Psychically. Which means: you know it. Everyone has access to knowing. They just need to tap into it. You can’t tap into it when you are afraid. That is why stepping away from fear is so important. Do you understand? Stepping away from fear is part one. Tuning in to ‘what you know’ is part two. 

This is really beautiful stuff. Can you give me the message to carry with me today?

Hold no fear. 

Shucks, man. Really? Just like that?

Just. Like. That. Have no truck with it. Banish it. Kick it out. See it, spot it, remove it. Bless the illumination that fills the room from which fear has been rightfully banished. 

Ok. Wow. Will do.

Hold no fear