Peak 26: I am soothing my self

MEDS Tracker

I came across this image on Twitter while in Wise Pilot mode. Yes! This is the next step for me: developing the Soothing System.

Emotional Regulations Systems
Emotional Regulations Systems

I reckon that I, and many people of my generation, simply skipped developing a fully functioning soothing system. I understand that this factor may be the base for some personality disorders (eg BPD, or EUPD) – someone described how in childhood we develop a rainbow of coping traits, and that someone with a PD simply wasn’t able to develop one of the colours, because of trauma or ACEs. With autism as part of my mix, it is not surprising that a) I still need to learn about self-soothing and thus b) addiction, anxiety and depression have been issues arising across my life.

Doing TRE at the weekend kicked up a lot of hidden trauma. I need to keep clearing and soothing and self-caring. I believe the above-pictured 3 systems model may be the heart of Compassion Focussed Therapy which I’ve heard a little bit about. I’ll find out more in due course.

In the meantime, in the path towards developing that Soothing system, I’ve decided to set up a new ‘self-social-prescribing’ system for myself.

I’ve recently started with reviewing my daily MEDS – my new daily tracker is really good and I’m enjoying using it. Here:

MEDS Tracker
My current MEDS Tracker

Next I plan to work out my weekly, monthly, quarterly and annual self-social-prescribing patterns.

On top of this, I’m recommitting to working externally (ie interfacing with people for work) only 12-6pm. I may even put it in my email footer. Why? To offset Compassion Fatigue from my intense mental health orientated work. To have free, time for self-care, writing, qigong, exercise, business marketing, website development… I tend to allow my attention to be ‘hijacked’ by the calls of others – not their fault – but I need to set clear boundaries if I am do avoid burnout.

I wonder if G and I can work simultaneously on developing soothing systems. That would be so good.

Let me look up CFT….

Beautiful work. Powerful self-kindness. 

I remember that self-compassion meditation with K Neff?? was so good…

Self-soothing is perfect. Gently does it. Softly we go. Some of this is simply about finding ways to settle into the kind of stillness into which your higher wisdom can enter and make itself at home. You have a wise persona waiting in the wings – remember that Wise Pilot of your last post? She’s waiting to take centre-stage. She needs you to settle your emotional body, and shift into a high mind gear. This means shifting from the ‘unsure’, emotional, yes/no, on/off, doubting (and classically self-doubting) state state in to the ‘knowing’, assured, unfazed, clear-seeing state.

My goodness. I could do with a slice of that stuff. Ok. I’m on it with the self-soothing business. Hang fire. Mrs Doubt-fire incoming.

I am soothing my self

PS. Just bought the workbook based on Paul Gilbert’s Compassion Focussed Therapy work:

The Compassionate Mind Workbook: A step-by-step guide to developing your compassionate self https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1472135903/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_m5L7Cb2KRXT3P

Peak 25: I am the wise pilot

I have now learnt that:

  • Watcher Mode and Reactor Mode are two opposing and countering modes. Useful to know.
  • Watcher Mode is not a Passive Mode – it’s an alert Active Mode
  • Watcher Mode seems to be about not watching what’s around externally so much as watching one’s internal weather patterns. Interesting. It’s like meditation with the eye’s open in the midst of life.
  • I have swathes of anxiety pumping through me and my system at the moment:  my internal weather pattern is like the preceding phase to an electrical storm.

It can be difficult to bear witness to the degree of tropical heat and storminess within our inner systems, but remember that when a storm breaks and discharges its electricity, the air is left clearer afterwards. It can be anticipated that this sensation of pent-up energy and concern and frustration will clear and leave the atmosphere cleansed anew. 

This morning (Sunday) I woke at 5.30am with an anxiety attack I couldn’t shake off – until I eventually got up at 7am to make a coffee with enough caffeine to meet and offset my raging adrenal activity… :-/

There are actions you can take to support the discharge of electricity: 

  • qigong, first and foremost – and especially on the lawn outside
  • active exercise like hiking, cycling and swimming
  • singing and drumming and dancing to music

And there is a word that you can play with and turn over in your heart: 

Wise

You watched that film about the development of ‘the wise king’ [Thor]. 

I did. Last night. It was a hero’s journey kind of film.

What did the future king have to develop? 

Selflessness, humility, courage, discernment, forgiveness, mercy…

And what do you need to develop on your ‘hero’s journey’? 

Patience, courage, overcoming temerity, resilience, confidence…

Oh dear goodness, what else is required of me in this life… except for overcoming darkness…?

Overcoming darkness. Interesting. What does this mean to you? 

Oh, I think you know. Sloughing off the terrors and tyranny of heavy, dark, clingy, weighing energy.

Well, then, that is helpful to know. Overcoming darkness is surely achieved by introducing more light, no? 

In which case…

Let’s turn some more lights on. 

How?

By reassuring our soul that it is in charge. 

Oof. Ok. Soul, you are in charge. Let the good stuff rain down and the clouds clear and the light shine in.

Are you praying there, dear friend?

Yep. I’m opening up the channels for a new delivery.

A new delivery of…?

Updated wisdom, for this stage of my life, for this age. The world – no, specifically, my country and its political system is in complete meltdown… I’ve been rocked by it in recent days and weeks. I need not to be swept along with these heavy, dark rumbling storm clouds in the external world, but rise above them in my intentions.

It is my intention to take a lighter approach, and rise above the heavy electrical storm clouds. Yes! That concept gives me a sense of relief. Let’s find an image to represent this…

How about this pilot who takes pictures of storms from above from the vantage point of the cockpit?

Flying above the storm clouds Flying above the storm clouds

Beautiful images, and helpful imagery.

Maybe the Watcher Mode is like being the pilot in the cockpit:

View from the cockpit by Santiago Borja View from the cockpit by Santiago Borja

And how does the pilot in the cockpit navigate the storms? 

By going over them, or around them…

What faculties does she call upon to achieve this? 

Experience, training, good use of tech, wisdom…

Yes, the wise pilot circumnavigates the storms. 

The wise pilot prepares for take off and landing in advance. 

The wise pilot keeps a level head even during the bumpiest of rides. 

The wise pilot remains seated in the cockpit and trusts her technology (tbh, dear Boeing, she does so even when it’s faulty…)

The wise pilot appreciates her vantage point. 

The wise pilot works well with her co-pilot and crew. 

The wise pilot sets her destination and plots her pathway before take-off. 

If the aeroplane is my life, I am its pilot, right?

Yes, dear soul. You are doing so well. Be at peace with yourself. Relax and trust that you are wisely piloting the aeroplane of your life. It’s a great big double-decker plane, and you’ve got it. Be at peace with yourself. Trust your machine, your crew, your course. Be gentle, calm, and a soft watcher. Trust in the wisdom accrued across your life. Trust in your own wisdom. All is well. All is well. 

Thank you. I appreciate this. I feel a great deal calmer and reassured. I’ll take this on board. I’ll remember that I am able to navigate things. I’ll remember I am not in the storm, and the storm is not in me.

Say: I am the wise pilot

I am the wise pilot

 

Peak 24: I am in watcher mode

What’s the most abundant thought I could have?

“I am free”

Woah. That’s cool. Like that beautiful concept in A Course in Miracles:

I am not a body. I am free. For I am still as God created me.

What does ‘free’ even mean here? In ACIM it seems to be defined as ‘not a body’ but ‘still as God created me’, but I’ve never known if ‘still’ here means ‘motionless’ or ‘as ever’.

Your interpretation of the ACIM line is sweet – and yes, both are applicable. You will know that ‘stillness’ is a truly divine quality, yet ‘as ever’ is a good representation of the eternal nature of God, and therefore of you. 

So, what are we talking about when we talk about being free?

Not bound to the 3D physical dimension. 

But rather…?

Unbound. Delivered. Released. Unchained. 

And therefore this means…?

One’s choices can be made more malleable, more pliable, more conscious of the mystery of the unseen (meta) dimensions. 

What is this mystery?

The so-called mystery is simply the clear realm beyond the human consciousness veil. 

Very mysterious. Like the contents of a locked cupboard.

Only the cupboard’s not locked.

Ooh! That is mysterious! Well, where’s the door?

In you. 

How do I open it?

Quietly. Silently even. No noise. No added fanfare. No additional meaning applied. No reducing ‘interpretation’ delivered. Silent watchfulness is all that is required and asked for. 

This is why I’m learning to unwind, isn’t it? To learn to cease cranking up the noise.

And to hear better. 

Well, that I like.

And to watch better. 

I would be happy to work with watching and hearing. In general, I’m into the idea of developing my sense of my inner observer. And reducing the worldly activity of my external pheasant beater. I’m into learning to watch and hear, and learning to be satisfied with that watching/hearing activity exactly as it is – without feeling that those sensory stimuli need to be received as cues to react or do or respond or judge or in any way do anything about them.

Oh my goodness, the idea of stepping off my vigil post makes me want to sleep for a thousand years.

Hyper-vigilance was the [see => do] state for you, wasn’t it? 

Yes, every noted thing in my environment was a flag telling me to react, do, respond, care for, tackle…

‘Every noted thing’. Noted things which remain as noted things are good. 

Maybe non-reactive noting of what I see and hear would be a good practice.

Does this feel ‘free…as God created me’?

No. It feels a bit trapped. Help.

Try noting things and saying ‘Oh, yes, the sound of a car… oh yes, a flower…’

But then… ‘Oh yes, spilt milk! Oh yes, laundry to be done! Oh yes, unanswered emails!’ When should noting become prompting for action, and when is it just noting like a passive lemming? Ooh, why am I so triggered here?

Feeling trapped? By obligation? Being free is not ‘free from ‘obligation’. It’s free to choose. And being free to choose is the doorway to creativity. If you can relax your need to know, succeed, control, or convey meaning, you will feel freer to be you. 

Argh. Authenticity. What even is this?

It’s something that arises when you become less reactive to passing sensory stimuli. 

Ah.

Try getting into ‘watcher’ mode, and see (ha!) what happens. 

Ok, friend. I’ll do so and report back.

I am in watcher mode

 

 

Peak 23: I am unwinding – abundantly

Oh lordy, there is so, so much unwinding to be done! I have made a start this weekend. It really does feel like sitting on a swing when you’ve wound the ropes round and round and round, and then you let go… It’s a whirlwind once the unwinding begins. No wonder we tend to keep on going in a wound up state… the unwinding is not a graceful process…

From contraction to decontraction. It can feel juddery can’t it? 

Sure can. It’s so physical.

I’m very happy. It’s Saturday midday, and I’ve spent the morning lying about on the lawn in the sun, consciously feeling my body unwind. I even did some stretching and blessed my stressed-out innards with a TRE session. Heavens above, if there were ever a miracle unwinding tool which gets straight to the gathered stress and trauma held in the body, it is TRE. It’s been a tough couple of weeks, without a stop and with a great deal of accumulated tension from teaching and studying mental ill-health. But all for good reason. And now learning to process out tension is part of what will make me a better practitioner in mental health.

I’ve been enjoying the ‘clean language, clean questions, clean thinking’ approach, and today came across this video which models it and also describes someone relaxing into stillness. I like it.

 

Furthermore, I liked this video on learning to ‘hustle smart’ to work well and yet avoid burnout:

Learn how to hustle smart
Learn how to hustle smart

So I am am indeed unwinding… What should I bear in mind as I go?

Flushing out. Decontracting. Unwinding. They are all in the ‘motion: outward’ mode. Remind you of anything?

Emotion = E-motion = via the Latin: {Ex = out. Movere = move.}

Indeed. So, while this unwinding can be seen as a physiological process, it is helpful to remember that it is the emotional body which causes the contraction and the holding on. In contrast, the wild animal experiences a frightening moment, after which it lies down to tremble out (move out) the stress, and then gets up and skips on with its day. Only the human traps the experienced trauma/shock, causing it later to emerge as ‘e-motions’ whose messages are often ignored, so shocked is the person by (unexpected/unwelcome) outward manifestation of the escaping emotion!  

So, the message here is to remember to honour the out-marching emotions that might arise as you unwind – and to heed their messages. 

Yes! As I did the TRE on the lawn this morning, I didn’t feel much emotion come up… until I finally noticed that what was popping up was a sense of ‘meanness‘. This is classic because one of my major plumptons (preintentional speech phrases) is ‘Everyone’s so kind!’ Here in the TRE I was watching the arising of a sense of ‘Everyone’s so MEAN!‘ – unkind, ungenerous, miserly, spiteful, unfair. Ha, good to get it out! Simultaneously I was wondering about my own meanness. Have I been repressing or denying it?

Ask yourself: what is this meanness for?

Meanness is for defending ourselves when we feel vulnerable, fearful or impoverished.

Ok. Good. So meanness is about self-defence, though it can be experienced  by the receiver as active aggression. Right? 

So true. In that sense, the meanness of another can be considered less of a threat to me.

And it can be seen with compassion. 

As in: the politicians are mean because they are afraid their toys will be taken away.

If you like. Or: people are mean when they fear they will be reduced to nothing, because that is what their inner ego is threatening them with – devastation. 

This is why we have to ‘hustle smart’, isn’t it? So as not to be mean to ourselves on account of the same voice that makes us mean to others.

Right. Scarcity-thinking is the ego’s M.O. and it makes us mean to ourselves and to others. It makes us contracted so we feel we have to ‘hold on to’ that which we have. 

Whereas conversely an abundant mindset allows us to unwind, to let our emotions flow out of our systems, to give away the goodies, to be generous to the next person, to be kind to ourselves.

Spot on. So let’s unwind, in the spirit of abundance

I am unwinding – abundantly

 

 

 

Peak 22: I am inviting inner peace into my life

This living cleanly and thinking cleanly, with ‘no junk added’ is such a good exercise in developing attention to the choices I make. What I consume, via eating/drinking or via listening/watching has a profound and subtle effect on my state. I really need to admit that I can’t hope to experience a consistently settled state of recovery, wellbeing and noiseless peace if I’m going to continue putting junk in the system. Just watching this phenomenon in me helps. And then building a list of junk and non-junk sources reminds me that I can flick from one to the either if I simply remember that I have the choice.

‘No Junk Added’- sources:

Thinking Cleanly:

  • Waking up app, by Sam Harris (meditation and lessons)
  • Insight Timer app (ditto)
  • Books which uplift the soulCarefully-curated blogs/feeds (eg HD/Brainpickings/TED)

Living Cleanly:

  • Nature
  • Riverford boxes / organic food
  • GF vegan cleanse
  • More green and clean food
  • Early nights

‘Junk Added’- my ‘preferred’ sources:

Thinking:

  • News in general
  • Twitter
  • BBC Radio4 news
  • Facebook/YouTube videos

Living:

  • Processed food
  • Alcohol
  • Excess carbs and meat
  • Skipping exercise

Your further thoughts on this? How can I increase my non-junk choosing?

By relaxing more, dear soul. It’s easier to shimmy towards high-frequency sources when you’re already in the relaxed, open, receptive mode. The taut, stressed, pointed, executive mode is mirrored in, for example, a non-specific spin through Twitter. Start soft.

Is this my route to moderation? I feel these days that my Aspie brain is sometimes become more turbo-charged, more like an impulsive creature, than less so.

You can be reassured, you are simply becoming more conscious of the impulses.

Sometimes, no, often… I simply bear witness ‘too late’ to my hand darting out, to take food, or pick up my phone. Where is my self-control? My self-regulation? I don’t enjoy the consequences of my impulsiveness. I have plenty of plans and intentions around self-moderation. Why the continued over-eating, over-distracting, numbing of thoughts by junk sources? Why do my emotions or impulses govern my weight and state?

You have been paddling at the shoreline of relaxation, stillness, collectedness, inner peace. It is not until you experience full immersion in the sea of deep peace that your spontaneous impulses start to ebb away. After full immersion in deep peace, not once but several times, your nervous system experiences full non-stimulation, full unravelling, full calm… and it recalibrates at last, replacing impulsiveness with steady, considered choice.

The impulsiveness is learnt behaviour borne out of a long-term experience of an ‘overstimulated nervous system’ (see Whatever Arises Love That by Matt Kahn). It’s hard simply to locate an internal ‘override’ button to press when knee-jerk reaction has (for good reason, precious soul) been the default response behaviour for a long time.

Full, deep, regular unwinding is what it takes to retrain the nervous system.

Oh heavens. How?!

Ha! What sweet lamentation! It is as if you’d been asked to climb a mountain, instead of stop climbing mountains! You have all the means at your disposal, dear friend. It’s about little and often at first, and planning some real stoppage time intermittently.

Retreat?

If you like.

‘Little and often’ unwinding, I think I know:

  • Daily meditation
  • QT (and this writing)
  • Qigong
  • TRE
  • Nature walks
  • Nothing days at home with my love
  • Making a list and resting in it
  • Early nights (without social media)

‘Real stoppage time’ – some ideas:

  • Visits to the sea / hills
  • Guided retreats
  • Alpine holidays
  • Quarterly holiday weeks
  • Annual fortnight holiday

Let it come to you. The key is this: to make a commitment to learning how to unwind completely. Imagine a week of 8 hour sleeps. Imagine! How restorative for your body and mind! What would it take for that to happen? What amount of bodywork and breath work and meditation would you be looking at to discombobulate the body and mind?

I definitely want to start by booking some TRE retreat days with Deborah Maddison / Healing Space. Ooh, what about the Secret Garden?

Poco a poco, tia.

Ok, but, this: I hereby commit to discovering how to unwind and get immersion in the sea of deep peace. I commit to making a regular practice of this, and to allowing my working life and personal lifestyle to be informed and moulded by these practices. I release all old stress-dependent practices and habits, acknowledging that they foment my impulsiveness and an automatic, self-sabotaging, self-soothing response pattern. I invite deep inner peace to rise up in me and in my life, for the benefit of all. I commit here, now, to inviting deep, settled, balanced, harmonious, relaxed, receptive, unwound Inner Peace into my life.

Lovely.

I am inviting inner peace into my life

PS. Key word: ‘unwind’

Peak 21: I am living cleanly and thinking cleanly – no junk added

The focus on being replenished by good energy has given me the benefit of resting my attention on ‘Good Energy Sources’ (sights, people, moments, conversation styles, inner states) and on the feeling of incoming energy. It’s been uplifting.

Simultaneously, I have felt ready to let go of some of my inner heaviness. I am ready to flush out the tension, the heaviness, the blockages, the held energy, the gripped feelings.

I am ready to flush myself out physically too. I’ve decided to try to give myself 5 days of Low-Carb Gluten-Free Vegan eating (from Sun evening to Friday evening), and just see what happens. My period’s due, so I feel bloated to bursting anyway, so hopefully I can just run with a good sensation of ‘letting go’ of the old.

What do you mean by ‘the old’?

The used up and depleted, but also the old paradigm energy stuff. For example, I’m now nearly 5 months sober, and I know (having just been present for a very boozy house party weekend) that the old version of me would have been swept away by the alcohol.

And the new paradigm you? 

Hm, I’m not sure I’m quite owning her yet… I am half way there with the things I’ve ‘given up’… but not fully, so maybe I’m not getting the full experience of…

Clean living? 

Maybe… What do you see going on in me?

Clean living. Clean living in various respects. We see you tidying up your thoughts (less negative, judging, ‘short-changing’, reductive or reactive thinking). We see you spring-cleaning old, chugged-up cupboards, habits and practices. That simplifying you were after for many months – it’s starting to happen. The streamlining of your life is looking more possible. 

I’m still not financially stable for the year ahead…

But you did only come off means-tested benefits (UC) this month, let’s note! That’s four years of illness and non-/under-employment, and you’ve cracked the conundrum only just now – by diligence, faith and courage! Can you appreciate what you’ve achieved?! 

Ha! Yes, I can do that.

‘Clean living’ includes ‘clean thinking’ – which includes appreciating what you’ve achieved, and leading with that ‘optimising’ mental state. Just like the ‘Clean Questions‘ approach to asking questions, we aim to avoid adding any extra noise, doubt, dissonance, provocation of the spirit… 

gtg. Is it about cleaning living today?

It’s about taking a ‘clean questions’ approach to living and thinking. With no extra noise, or ‘junk’ being added. 

I am living cleanly and thinking cleanly – no junk added

Awesome. Thanks.

Clean Language Questions
Clean Language Questions

 

 

 

Peak 20: I am replenished by good energy ✨?✨

Bulb lit by a battery

I’m thinking about for/against, yes/no, good/bad and other polarities, and about how electrical current works. Harnessing the polar nature of atoms (electron and protons) makes electricity, right?

Yes, in a stable relationship and environment, the battery here produces current which in turn produces light. Until the battery runs out…

So how do you make a self-recharging battery?

Interesting approach. You are in fact a self-recharging battery. You eat to refuel your body. You also decide whether to ‘burn’ as a 20 watt bulb or a 100 watt bulb in the world, according to your ‘energy’ levels.

So what if we want to burn as a 100 watt bulb in the world? ‘Shine bright like a diamond.’

Shine bright like a bulb, or like a diamond..?

The bulb burns energy to create light, til the energy source becomes depleted.

The diamond reflects light, indefinitely, and as long as it is exposed to the light.

Oh, man. That is so helpful. I’ve been trying to shine like a bulb. Hence: exhausted and fragile.

I ran a particular training session in a firm yesterday, the 5th out of a record-breaking six trainings this week, for Mental Health Awareness Week. I gave it my ALL (as ever), seeking to: over-deliver, give double value, accommodate all in the room, adapt my style minute by minute according to the ‘temperature’ in the room, include and honour everyone. Like all my trainings, I had designed the content, bespoke to the requirements of the company. After universally warm and grateful farewells from participants and organisers, I picked up my feedback forms to look at the responses. There was my first ever negative evaluation. The three content-related boxes were scored as “Not helpful”. On the back: ‘Focus on underlying issues not how to treat the symptoms.’ I’d been brought in to train on managing stress in the workplace. I knew it wasn’t my role to stop their workplace being stressful! I knew I’d triggered their anger about their company’s insane working environment. I could see they also rated me and my training style as “Good”. But nonetheless, this person’s anonymous shin-kicking absolutely knocked the stuffing out of me, and I sat there in tears til I could gather myself enough to get to the car where I then just sat and wailed. It was the shock – I normally pick up when someone’s not on board. How could I have missed someone countering with disdain in the room. And how could someone silently leave such an unpleasant message behind them without a word?

Maybe here’s the thing: I was exhausted and mortally hurt because… I’d been focusing on shining my light. I’d burnt up good, valuable, precious energy on that session. And I wanted ‘my’ return: the positive feedback.

But this I know. However many good feedbacks I get, it’s not replenishing my expended energy levels.

I need to start to reflecting light, not producing it. Yes? Or else I’m going to burn out… again. Right? I’m so tired..!

What does it take to be a reflector of light, rather than a generator/expender?

So much here. Such a big day yesterday. You are held, dear soul. And loved. You are loved for seeking to bring in light in any way. We are grateful to you for your efforts. Your precious energy is gratefully received by the universe. You are burning brightly. You are alight. We will help you regulate your electrical systems so that you can be charged up more as by a solar panel and less as by a coal-burning power plant.

Yes!!! That’s what I want. A source of internal renewable energy. So I’m not leaning on, for example, eating masses… and pushing through… and generating smoke… and creating heat in order to do or move. Make me powered by renewable energy. Let the light empower me, that I may shine or reflect or whatever… Just stop this power drain. I’m too tired and close to flat out adrenal fatigue again.

Electrical ordering of the physical frame. It starts with…?

Qigong. I know. Okalrightready. I’ll do it today.

Hey… Come back, dear soul. This is the message for you:

Let the Light in, and it will shine out. You will be its conduit. It’s a sustainable, renewable, ever-self-recharging process. It starts with taking in the Light.

Ah, I see. ‘I am taking in the Light’? Is that it?

Nearly! I am letting the Light in. You needn’t ‘reach and take’. The Light is hovering about you ready to ‘come in’ at any time, and recalibrate your electrical systems. Your job is merely to relax (surrender) enough for it to come in. The Light is the active force for once – not you, oh beloved, frazzled, tired one! You are the ‘receptive’ one here…

The yin…

The receiving one, the absorbing one…

I feel I need to be quite still to let it in.

Yes, a state of inner stillness promotes receptivity of higher frequencies.

“I am letting in the Light” – still requires some affirmative ‘door-opening’ action

“I am receiving Light” – feels a bit floaty to you?

Try this – like a toothbrush…

I am recharging my battery ?

There’s something about reordering my overcharged/undercharged electrical system….

How about “I am receiving good energy”?

Aha… after a meditation and a spot of qigong, I think it’s this:

I am charging my battery with good energy ✨?✨

Nearly!! But a beautiful, nurturing hug, and some healing shiatsu, from G just gave me a more accurate word than ‘charging’: replenishing. And thus…

I am replenished by good energy ✨?✨

Peak 19: I am neither ‘for’ nor ‘against’

Neither grasping for fleeing

Neither craving nor rejecting

Neither attraction nor aversion

Neither for nor against

… but rather calm, poised and observing in all situations. Equanimous.

Tiara Kumara talks about expanding into that ‘vaster self’ which recognises itself as part of the one unified consciousness in which All exists. This, as opposed to the ’emoting self’ which constantly rejects this, that and the other… Your thoughts?

To be free of the eternal need to judge (good/bad, right/wrong, acceptable/unacceptable) is to be able to access greater sources of clean energy than ever before. It is not that judgement itself is bad (how ironic would that be), but rather that it is an energy drain. With renewed energy levels attained from switching off the Judgement systems, the ‘vaster field’ becomes more accessible.

What is the ‘vaster field’?

The full range of experiences available to us on a ‘resonance’ level.

Please explain.

First, know that non-judgement is not the same as ‘shrugging indifference’. It is a very conscious, active practice. And extremely delicate.

Take the case of the senate ruling in Alabama this week, banning abortion in virtually all cases. Consider two paths of response.

Our emoting self raises up, like a warrior, in indignance, disgust and righteous anger to defend our fellow women from the extraordinary ability of ’25 white men’ to believe themselves capable and competent of making such an eye-watering decision, over the heads of women, and doctors.

(Breathe, sweetheart.)

Our vaster self recognises that the emoting self has, in an instant, fed the frequency field that these 25 individuals occupy – furthermore, they have not been damaged by our ire, but nourished by it. The pinpoint centre of a tight, furious, low-frequency tornado of heavy consciousness has been made stronger.

Our vaster self takes that long breath, and opens up the well of immense softness inside, from which she ushers forth a whole firmament of compassion for All That Is (including manifest error) and she focuses her attention on her LOVE for the women, for their children born and unborn, for the men who will step forward to instigate unwanted pregnancies, for the 25 senators who somehow believed themselves the rightful arbiters and gatekeepers of others’ morality and welfare…

And in that instant, a finer, purer, healing frequency has been accessed, fed, nourished, awakened, by our heartfelt state. And the collective resonance of ‘upwardness and openness’ has been contributed to. The pinpoint centre of the tornado has been loosened by the upper reaches of the collective consciousness expanding outwards in love.

Heavens…

Exactly.

I am neither ‘for’ nor ‘against’

PS. This morning I woke up at 5.55am on the 15th of the 5th, with (apparently) 5 steps on my Fitbit. I’ve looked up the meaning of 555: ‘be open to positive change; evolution; conscious choices.’ Nice. I’m up for all of that.

Peak 18: I am making peace with life on earth (neither fleeing nor grasping)

After working with this phrase (“That’s enough now”) for a couple of days, and gently reducing some compulsiveness, I had the following realisation in the shower: ‘This is enough. This pretty home, this gentle lifestyle, this warm water on my back, this work-life, this sunshine pouring into the garden….‘ What? A break from straining, pulling, seeking something more or different? Yes! I think I could have passed ‘peak push’. I think I could be on the other side of the straining to overcome the challenges of my early adulthood. The tide of my life has turned…

Are your present conditions substantially different from your earlier adulthood?

Yes! I was in a state of literal poverty even this time last year. I had precious dependents, who suddenly stepped into independence just recently. For much of my adult life I have been without a partner, and now I have this incredible, startling human in my life. So, yes, I can say I am in a different paradigm entirely.

What I hadn’t noticed was that I hadn’t turned off the ‘push’ mechanism. This needs to be done consciously and gradually, it feels. It takes the mind a lot reassurance and rewiring to decommission its ‘push powers‘… and settle into the still wonder of the dawning realisation that ‘This is enough’.

The mind might say: “Beware of stopping, or resting on your laurels! It could all run out or vanish!” It takes the heart to step in and say, “Hush now, Mind… It’s time to bask in the beauty of what is.”

You’ve always been somewhat aware of the beauty of what is, but it’s maybe true to say that you were simultaneously equally aware of a sense of precariousness

Hugely so! I guess the sense of precariousness came from a combination of single parenthood, my aspieness, varying mental health, the post-Crunch economy, political turmoil, natural disaster…

Easy tiger! 🙂

So how do you apply the phrase ‘That’s enough now’ with the new insight about having arrived at an abundant place in your life?

It manifests in a sense of ‘I couldn’t want for anything more’. G and I went on a beautiful walk yesterday, and I kept feeling a sense of ‘Wow. This is so good. My exhausted younger self would be so reassured and delighted to see this future sight.’ It was just the two of us strolling through fields.

No jazzhands. 

No freaking jazzhands. *sigh of relief* This has been a LONG road, hasn’t it? I still notice myself jazzhanding, eg on social media in my ‘professional’ persona, but at the moment it feels like my best approach to taking advantage of the free marketing opportunities available through social media. It makes me uncomfortable though…

Maybe ‘that’s enough self-broadcasting now’?

Yes. Maybe it is. Like G, with his blank website holding a logo, a contact form and nothing else.

I like your use of ‘That’s Enough xyz Now’. What else have I had or done enough of now?

Perhaps ‘That’s enough being overweight now?’

Is it? Maybe it continues to serve a purpose. 

Explain please.

Your weight has always acted as a safety barrier between you and the world. You have used it carefully and consciously. Similarly, you’ve noticed the sense of vulnerability arising in you when you’ve become slim – people act differently towards you, they seem to want something different from you. What would you need to change to feel safe to be slim in the world? 

I feel this has something to do with the previous two lessons of ‘Everything is AOK’ and ‘This is Enough’. Is it about recognising:

  • I am truly safe in this world?
  • I have / do / am enough?
  • There is enough for me?

Tell me…

For a while you became like a helium balloon, straining to leave the earth’s surface and float up and away. 

Go home…

It was a trauma response, dear soul: a deep flight response. You needed to use weight to keep the balloon fixed to the Earth. You were straining between two states: flee and remain. 

Rather like Brexit!  :-/

You joke, but Brexit (and Trump) have been profound manifestations of this extreme polarisation which accompanies and precedes the rise of unity consciousness. It is natural to tighten the grip on known polarities in the midst of almighty change. When the sands shift, we grab on to what is present. Here we mean present as in, ‘to hand’, and also ‘current’, as in the ‘current status quo’. As our feet shift further from the original state, we strain to keep hold of that ‘safe’ former state. 

How does this apply to me and my body?

As you have played with ‘flight’ from this world (absorbing yourself in matters spiritual and esoteric) and, simultaneously, have clung to the world (using weight to keep you ‘present’), you have become tired (and overweight). The opportunity now arises to make peace with life on Earth, exactly as you find it. Yes, everything is AOK. Yes, this is enough. Yes, everything is enough. Yes, this is AOK. 

Is this about getting grounded?

Roughly speaking. It is about ceasing to flee life or grasp life. 

Man, this is Zen-speak!

Bingo. 

I just wanted to know how to lose weight.

Well, now you know. 

😀 Haha. Thank you. Practically speaking…?

Make peace with life on Earth – in all its simplicity, its reality, its enoughness, its perfectness, its complexity, its whackiness… No more complaining, rejecting, straining, judging, scoring. Learn to accept and be with Life on Earth. 

I am making peace with life on earth (neither fleeing nor grasping)

 

  

 

Peak 17: I am learning that enough is as good as a feast

Eckhart Tolle describes the ego’s signature as being “not enough” and applies that to all times when we crave more – bingeing in any form included.

“The ego lives from this sense of insufficiency, of not enough, of needing more.” Eckhart Tolle (Ref)

This notion of the ego representing ‘not enough’ feels like a good balancer to the notion of the heart welcoming ‘everything’ as AOK. The wise part of us can also invite in a sense of satisfaction, satiation and the ability to self-moderate.

An apt reminder might be the saying, “Enough is as good as a feast

I recognise that I can bring myself some new awareness here. I can potentially more readily say, at the right moment, “Yes, that’s enough…

  • Screentime
  • Work
  • Lunch
  • Efforting
  • Amending
  • Worrying
  • Procrastinating
  • Pudding
  • Qualifications

If I could nail this Enough thing, I could potentially expect positive outcomes such as an increased ability to…

  • Market my business comfortably
  • Spend less adrenaline on preparing courses
  • Drink moderately
  • Sleep on time
  • Get out and exercise on demand

*****

I notice that when I say to myself softly, “That’s enough now” I get access to some equanimity. It’s as if just this little phrase reels in my brain’s tendency to turbo charge… or to crave ‘more’. It also feels like gentle self-parenting – and it’s never too late for that. The result of my responding to “That’s enough now” is not a sense of deprivation or disappointment as anticipated… but increased mental balance. Who would have guessed?

Furthermore, when I gently say, “That’s enough now” and break some distracted or rabbit-holey behaviour by bringing this compassionate awareness to bear, I’m often able immediately to catch a fresh Wave of Executive Function. Sweet.

It’s almost like you’re greasing up the seesaw of “relax” and “do”, so that it’s ever easier to switch state… and return in due course to homeostasis. 

Reminds me of this description of the autonomic nervous system:

Homeostasis Autonomic Nervous System

And the gentle work of self-parenting seems to loosen the ego’s grip that says “more, more!”. The ego is the childish aspect of us in this regard…

Maturing certainly involves taming the ego. Plenty of adults adopt an apparently ‘mature’ style which belies a highly ego-driven state.

Like the non-stop executive… The ‘committed’ politician…. The ‘juggling it all’ parent…

It looks pretty ‘grown up’, eh? Something to aspire too? It’s a really tricksy one to detach from, this idea that a good ‘adulthood’ is about doing / acquiring / achieving / seeing / consuming / experiencing more and yet more. 

When, in reality, ‘enough is as good as a feast’ – right?

Right.

I am learning that enough is as good as a feast.