Tenderise my heart, oh Source of my Being. Let me be courageous enough to sit in present moment awareness and feel these feelings of grief that are rumbling through me like bolts of electricity. Ease my troubled heart.

Sit tight, dear Soul. Watch your breath come in and out, and keep your focus on your heart. 10 mins. 

****10minsInsightTimer – music and gongs***

Ty. I’m glad you encouraged me to do that. That was 10 minutes of being present to the discomfort of fear, anger and grief in my heart. But now I know my turbulent underlying emotional state, I can be more careful and compassionate with myself.

Last night, I didn’t turn my light off til 2am – and lay in bed scrolling through Instagram reels. I knew why. To stop and lie in darkness would be to feel the pain in my heart about my darling Dad.

So, controlled ‘detonations’ of those buried feelings, via compassionate mindfulness practice, is a helpful practice. 

Yes. I’m less likely to create ‘noise’ to avoid those feelings if I am consciously sitting with them once a day.

Combined with daily qigong (for breathing, processing and TRE), this 10 minutes of mindfulness once a day will bolster you in the weeks and months to come. 

What do I need to know today?

You need to know that you are loved. You need to know that there is time – time to communicate, time to heal, time to create new interpersonal memories. This is going to be a beautiful time of connection for your family – just as it was when your beloved Mum made her departure. In your exquisite grief and confusion, you came to know and love each other more truly, more deeply, more authentically. Know that this is a given. And, in softness and love, we dare you even to relish that knowing. Welcome and embrace this time of connectedness, of simple, uncomplicated, loving focus upon your father. If you can be content with simply laser beaming love upon your father, then you can receive the learning, the ‘benefit’, the healing waters of this time ahead. Just love him – simply, softly, lucidly. 

Yes, if I take my eyes off my own grief, and instead place them on him and on my love for him, life becomes simpler, and suddenly more joyful again.

Focus on loving your father in simple, direct ways. In your words, your actions, your prayers. This relationship is energetic as much as anything else. It is vibrational. It is telepathic. Keep communicating simple love. Uncomplicated, simple love. Keep the psychic messages simple. He will feel them, whatever it is you are projecting… So we invite you to remove some of the jolting sadness and anticipatory grief… And focus on communicating love in the simplest, purest form. 

And this practice will affect your other relationships too. You will indeed learn to moderate the complexity of your desires and ‘concerns’, and thereby reduce some of the static noise and psychic interference in your relationships. 

You will simply say: “Yes, I love you.” 

And that will be enough, in all instances. To the complex colleague, to the challenging client, to the adored loved one, to the difficult acquaintance…. there will be one simple message: Yes, I love you. 

And in that moment, the need to offer more recedes… The need to people-please, or filter judgements, or moderate responses, or over-service, or even set boundaries – it all starts to recede. 

In saying “Yes, I love you” – no more, no less – you are taking a huge leap of faith. You are practising trusting in the fact that it is not so much our words or doings, as the quality of our feelings telepathically and vibrationally exchanged, that sets the true tone of our relationship. 

There is a person (colleague) I think/speak ill of…. without telling them. Am I creating vibrationally glitches for myself and them?

You will certainly do better to find the place in your heart where you can say, ‘Yes, I love you’ – and be truthful with that person about ‘what would make life more wonderful for you.’

So start with love.

Start with love. 

I am saying “Yes, I love you.” Oh it feels so clean, so simple. Such a relief. There is a clear ‘no more, no less’ quality to this thought-state.

“Darling Dad. Yes, I love you.”

It was my brother yesterday who underlined this for me too. “Just tell him you love him.”

He is a wise one, that young man. 

Indeed. Grant me the simplicity and power of that head- and heart-space of “Yes, I love you” passim. Amen.

I am saying “Yes, I love you.” 

 

 

The journey begins.

I have now had two days – amongst extremely intense work – to begin to absorb the news of Dad’s diagnosis. In a sense the demanding work was a helpful distraction, but on the other hand, here now in the peaceful lagoon of a Saturday morning, I barely dare start to unwind the shield of busyness to peep under the bonnet of my aching heart.

I need your help…

We are right here, always and forever. Abidingly. 

How do I know?

Does it matter whether you can truly know? 

Not really… The benefit I am blessed with in these dialogues is all that really matters.

Even if you were ‘making it all up’, are these dialogues not a sign of how marvellously wise, resilient and self-compassionate your mind really is? Does not that matter more than anything else? 

Yes, exactly so.

So to your question, your request. What help do you need, sweet being of light? 

I need your helping orientating myself. I would like to anchor myself so that I know where I am at emotionally, so that my healing, grieving, aching part can be chugging along like a Roomba doing its work in the background, and so that  thereby, I might become, in ASV’s words, emotionally available to those who need my presence and support now – primarily Dad. LV beautifully described this process yesterday, and raised how good relational boundaries allow us to take care of our healing in one arena, while being able to connect with the person in another.

We think you have some good answers there. 

Yes, my brilliant daughters….

Establish good relational boundaries; become emotionally available where desired.

It’s true that I feel swept over with…

Wait. It’s alright. Slow down… You were heading in the right direction. Don’t turn back and swim upstream. You have downloaded something important here, with the help of your beautiful, precious girls. 

I love them so…

And they love you.

The missive you have brought to yourself is clear: establish boundaries; then offer support. It’s just like the philosophy you teach in your mental health training: put your own oxygen mask on first. 

Yesterday, so helped you God, you finally hired a VA. Hooray! Congratulations. This is to be MUCH applauded. 

Really?

Of course it is! This has been needed by you for YEARS! You will flourish under the support of a professional administrator. Does that make sense to you? 

When E. mentioned that, after school, she had spent a year at secretarial college, I nearly wept… Those skills… Oh my word. I do feel fortunate to have found her.

And you have other skills, which are needed. Ok? 

Yes. E. will give me elbow room… How am I working so hard and earning so little… (relatively… and don’t get me wrong, compared to 2 years ago, I am RICH now…! And debt-free!)? But for the last 2 years, my income before tax/NI has been £22k. My turnover 40-50k, but at £22k my actual drawings as income would match the salary of a first job after uni/school. £22,000 a year is equivalent to £10.58 per hour. What’s happening?

You’re selling your time. 

Not products. Or other people’s time…….

With the SoD you will sell: 

• Your expertise
• Your products
• Your associates’ time

Taking a VA is an excellent step towards developing the professional boundaries required to make your shift from workhorse to business developer. 

Your next step is to think about the additional boundaries you need to put in place to be emotionally available to your father in the way you would wish. In the way he was to his mother too, perhaps… 

My father went to visit my grandmother almost every evening, for years and years… and not fleetingly waving and shooting off, but gracefully, for a conversation and a sherry. He truly honoured her.

There is much to be said for routines.

YES. And this area is my forte – a special interest. And something I’ve been building up over this last year.. but only around my own sweet self. I can apply the same to my precious relations…. Routines, emotional availability and health-giving boundaries go hand in hand. You set a routine in agreement with someone, and that does the work of affirmatively holding boundaries for you both.

eg. I’ve got roughly a monthly call with Eliza. Brilliant.

Now that we can use Zoom, we don’t need to GO anywhere, and it’s easier to place markers in the diary to connect with people on a regular basis.

You will feel much more settled with your beloved father if and as you have routines in place. 

Like Mum had her Sunday evening call with her parents.

And you have your Sunday evening Zoom with yours. 

So, I need to check in with Dad and J – what do they want in terms of rhythms…?

• Sunday Zooms – weekly or fortnightly? Special guests? Surprise, or not?
  • First of the month = Foster-Tresilian
  • Second/fourth of the month  = Tresilians
  • Third of the month = Special guests
• AT/NT working zooms (with L&A too on special occasions) – Wednesdays @4pm-5pm

Relational routines = boundaries, emotional availability, guilt-free, connected, regulating…

I am developing relational routines

Email Subject: Wheezing ..

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Joanna .. <joanna…@icloud.com>	Thu, Mar 18, 2021 at 12:43 PM
To: {family}
This morning we saw Dr. Moores at the Churchill Hospital.  He is part of the Respiratory lung team.  It was him who did the bronchoscopy  investigation last week. Both lungs have ‘spots’ of cancer on them but nothing spread out of the lungs. The technical term is  ‘a Non-small cell lung cancer known as Adenocarcinoma ‘. It is not a type of cancer that can be totally cured but with targeted medication it can be shrunk and controlled for an indefinitely long period depending on staying fit, well exercised etc. In order to be specific about treatments (targeted therapies) he wants to do a further biopsy which is done from the exterior of the lungs and is scheduled for next Tuesday, 23rd March. A few days later he will know which treatment makes best sense.   Subject to what he finds there are three kinds of available treatment: Chemotherapy administered at the hospital or A tablet taken at home or There is an immune treatment which we understand is new. This forms part of the targeted therapies being developed. It was also mentioned that this kind of cancer was not attributed to smoking which N found it was a relief to hear!. We also met and had a very helpful conversation with the Senior nurse from the Lung Cancer team.   (Hannah Ball) .   They will provide a constant point of reference within the system.   As Joanna knows from her experience with breast cancer these support teams are brilliant and one can ring them at any time.   The Churchill Hospital is exceptionally well-equipped and staffed for  specialist treatment. N ’s future day to day treatment will be guided by an oncologist (don’t yet know his/her name) assigned specially to N’s case. We understand that after whichever treatment N gets, his immunity will be reduced for 10 days following it and he will easily get tired.   Both Dr. Moores and Hannah Ball emphasised the value in staying intellectually and physically active – and no objection to a glass of whisky in the evening! Dr. Moores is also looking into the possibility of accelerating our second jabs on the basis of new research confirmed in the last couple of days. Until it is clear from the next biopsy what treatment will be specifically appropriate, we can’t yet map out the diary  with visits from you all.  But the general indication is that we will need to continue to maintain the COVID protocol for spacing.  This should be fine for meals in the garden –   we are yet to understand when the Covid rules will allow us to meet inside. It would be important that you are all aware about any contact you might have had with any transmissible disease that you or one of your small kids might accidentally have encountered.      This news is of course not welcome.  It is not as bad as we might have feared and not as good as we might have hoped. N is in the hands of excellent people and we have each other and you all for infinite moral support.  We are planning to use Kidlington as a base for lots of adventures this year – from paella with the neighbours, to a trip to the Derbyshire Peak district and of course seeing you all in your exciting locations.    No holes will be barred!  An early trip might well include a visit to Mfld – and also include picking up venison steaks from Rodney – who alas is closing his butcher’s shop for ever at the beginning of May. As to the public politics of the situation, our plan is to be open and candid to everyone who matters and otherwise not make much of thing of it… Maybe: ‘ N has lung cancer but of a kind that can be controlled by targeted therapies and medication – so life goes on very fully. Thanks to Hannah above, we already have some very good information   For further information that you might all find useful the following organisations that she recommended.  We already have booklet ‘understanding Cancer’ from the Macmillan Cancer Support ’ which is set out very clearly .   She also recommends Cancer Research and. ‘Roy Cassel’s charity website. How about a family Zoom at 6 tonight.   Just to touch base and for both of us  to feel the love and support from all of you.   NO GLOOM necessary. With all our steadfast love to all of you xxxxxxxxx  Nicholas and Joanna

I cannot yet speak…

 

Yesterday was a shock and an emotional rollercoaster…. [CONFIDENTIAL]

1. M contacted me to let me know that my beloved L is experiencing acute depression and hasn’t been able to get out of bed, or eat, or communicate with him, for several days.
2. S contacted me… An extraordinarily beautiful email from Dad (to And. Theun, who is v ill in hospital) had come in… one that also effectively disclosed that the medical tests results Dad is receiving in 24 hrs (ie today, this morning) are to detect something that would be very serious. My precious, beloved Dad….
3. Our darling AST shared that following their 12 week scan the previous day, they’d been asked to make an immediate appointment for a test for D.s. – as the scan suggested chances of their beautiful being having D.s. were ‘high’. Their test is today, with results in a week.

I wept most of yesterday, and slept fitfully last night. Such strong emotions of fear and grief sweeping through me. Feeling lost and adrift… G was the biggest comfort… holding me and squeezing me – keeping me here, in my body.

I pray blessings upon my beautiful family, and healing of all our hearts, so that we may hold each other with strength, power and love, at every moment. Bless all the families on this planet, and grant us all peace, health and happiness. May we have full confidence in everything that is happening for us; full trust in the perfection of each moment and every blossoming. I am in Your hands.

Amen. <3

Grant my beautiful Dad, and J, strength, peace and even joy today, as they hold each other through each moment, deep in the love they have for each other.

Grant my darling A&N courage, clarity and peace as they take one step forward at a time. May they be endowed with complete confidence.

Grant my precious L all that she needs to feel strong, enlivened, poised, purposeful and full of joy again! May the angels of light rally round her and bring her powerful upliftment of heart and spirit!

Amen! <3

I am in Your hands today. I am in Your hands.

I am in Your hands.