November 2018 - Dialogues of Discernment

2018-11-30

MEDS Day 57 (after 1wk break): Today & this year, I am downloading the frequency of love

Today is the 28th `Nov 2018, a special day for me. I’ve just had a week’s break from writing here, partly as it’s been busy, and partly as I felt I needed a reboot and consolidate the MEDS protocols.

I’d like to talk to the parts of me that might be resistant:

to clearing the decks, and
to developing the habits of maximised ‘human potential’

This is the Part of you that is resistant to ‘clearing the decks’:

“I am Conservative Clare. I would have things stay the same as I can’t trust you not to sweep away the things we actually need to survive. I watched you let our livelihood go, so many times! You are a self-sabotager, who slaps away the hand that feeds you, out of your ridiculous sense of guilt and low self-worth.”

Woah… Well, thanks for letting me know that CC. What do you need to have in place to be able to trust me to let go of the old? By which I mean, first off, to let go of the old clothes, furniture, books, papers, knicknacks, ornaments, archives etc that clutter up our space and mind?

Conservative Clare: I need you to put a flag in the sand which states your vision for yourself, and allows people to know where to find you for your services. You can’t chuck away the goods if you will never let people in to bring you new goodness.

Is this my ‘brochure’ that you are referring to?

CC: It’s more than that. You can’t be trusted to hand out or circulate your brochures. You hang on to them, like everything else. You are the hanger-on-er, not me.

I am the hanger-on-er? Why do I do that then? I thought you were the conservative one, resistant to change?

CC: I try to conserve a basic status quo in the face of your cowardice.

Easy tiger. I can see you are angry. What would you have me do then?

CC: Own your own entity.

But doing so has not necessarily been a ‘safe’ step in the past.

CC: Because you didn’t own it. You gave it away. Which is precisely why we have to stop you clearing the decks. You constantly chuck the precious baby out with the bathwater, because you don’t believe you are worthy to hold the precious baby.

OK, Conservative Clare. Thank you for letting me know why you do what you do. I appreciate that. I take on board what you are saying. I need my flag in the sand. On a high enough pole that people can see it.

Dear Heart. What do I need to know, feel or do to be able to define my flag and raise it above the parapet?

This is the part of you resistant to ‘developing the habits of maximised ‘human potential”…

“I am Damp Daphne… I am the part of you which would remain pliable and soft, like a [say it]… damp cloth. I can be used by others and that way I feel ‘servicial’. My utilitarianism makes me feel its ok to take up space and be present. I can be used for all kinds of purposes – other people’s purposes.”

This is horrid.. 🙁 Guys. Be nice.

Damp Daphne: I am extremely nice. So nice, that I am known for my agreeableness. I am super-obliging and helpful.

Ok, Damp Daphne. What do you need from me for you to feel comfortable to take a step back from my arena of life?

DD: You don’t need an all-purpose cloth, if you have but one purpose.

One purpose…

DD: Can you hear that…?

Yep…. ://

DD: “Ooh, heaven is a place on earth…”

Ok, I get it… Let’s get the lyrics up…

Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We’ll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

Heaven is a place on earth, Belinda Carlisle (1987)

I hear you. I know. I feel it too.

Time for a bit of meditation and prayer, dear soul.

Meditation and Prayer

Forgive me my sins, oh my God.

Forgiven. Calm down, slow down…

Recall, the days of your life which gave you wonder and joy. What was the common denominator?

People, creativity and nature.

Excellent. And what is your Personal Credo?

Everyone can be happy.

And what do they say about heaven?

Love comes first. 🙂

So, are you confident to hold up a flag that says this…? eg.:

“Love comes first – thanks to ‘people, creativity and nature’, everyone can be happy.”

No… Not quite. Are you coaching me?

Say it in your words.

“Everyone can be happy.

People, creativity and nature bring happiness.

And of all things that foster happiness, love comes first.”

There’s a last part to this though, isn’t there?

It’s the willingness to live by this credo, and share it, and teach it.

Don’t I?

Do you? What would today look like if ‘love came first’?

Is it about getting into the mode of ‘heaven is a place on earth’ according to our perception of such a notion?

Close. Very close. We are discerning heaven around us. Heaven is there; it is for us to bring it into focus.

Like the way a camera might stay in the same place but switch focus from foreground to background. Like, it might start focussed on a tiny piece of ‘scrap’ metal, and the camera pulls focus and you see the metal is part of an immense and beautiful iron sculpture.

Lovely.

So maybe, ‘love comes first’ is the larger fuller background. I get fixed on the scrap metal (tasks, work, emails..) forgetting the backdrop of it all: love. This is all about love. (Which I actually heard my Dad discuss…”Art is all about love relationships.” Mind-blowing.)

Beautiful. Yes, it is indeed ‘all for love’. So, as you settle the physiological ANS (autonomic nervous system) before you work, likewise you recall the backdrop of Love before you work.

How can I dedicate this year of my life to the notion of “They say in heaven love comes first; We’ll make heaven a place on earth”?

Softly. Just enjoy the remembrance of where you are. In heaven, there is nowhere to go, nothing to do. All simply is, and it is love. Recall the frequency of love. Can you download that frequency into your being?

Yes. Today, and this year, I am downloading the frequency of love. Thank you.

Today and this year, I am downloading the frequency of love

********************

MEDITATION? YES – 14 mins silent

EXERCISE? YES – walking round town on special day

#STEPS: 9253

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO

DRY today? NO…

Morning: coffee and cream

Lunch: GF pizza – amazing – and cider

Evening: V&DCokes, Indian restaurant

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO

Screens off: / Lights out: 12ish

Wake up the next day: Virtually no sleep! Total sleep: 3?

2018-11-28

MEDS Day 56: Today I am settling into ‘relaxed organisation’

Mindful Movement mediationMindful Movement mediation

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Productivity (emails, marketing, reading, prep) – albeit in bed all day with tiredness
The cancellation of my work capability assessment at the last minute – what a relief
Sense of colleagues in my work
Cottage Pie & online Scrabble <3
Watching ‘A Northern Soul‘ on BBC2

It’s been a roller-coaster of a few days. Where are we now?

Settle for a little bit… Go inside… Feel what’s there. Rest there for a bit. Retune, recalibrate, reconnect. What’s there?

Gosh. “DESIRE TO MOVE (FORWARD)” Really strong. Unexpected.

So, that Desire To Move is a manifestation of readiness brewed up over time. A sense of potential. A sense of engines revving. A sense of being ready for chocks away.

Well, that’s good, isn’t it? I really want to capitalise on what I’ve achieved this year. It’s been a full-on year. Huge achievements, surprises, gifts, opportunities. I’d like to streamline it. I’m ready to cease feeling tired, overwhelmed and confused. I’m ready to start feeling… yes, streamlined.

What do you need to do, be or have to feel streamlined?

Um… I think I need control over my own destiny a bit. Partly, I’m tired for working hard for not enough money. It’s not sustainable.

Is this about setting up an entity? (eg company)

I just don’t know, mate. I need guidance.

Guidance: ‘Clear the decks.’

This means: Radically simplify your life, surroundings, patterns, plans, expectations.

So, no plans for now. Just clear the decks. Radically simplify.

It’s fine to capitalise on this year. Capture it, but don’t let it lead to proliferation.

Proliferation – the spiralling out of endless new bespoke work etc…

That’s right. It’s time to ‘repeat the gaze’. In other words, narrow down the activity.

What does my best 2019 look like?

Slow down. First… clear the decks, capture/capitalise/close 2018.

Like winter drawing in. The leaves falling. The tree preparing to bear itself again. Ready for a fresh burst of leaves in the spring.

That’s the ticket.

How? How do I do that ppppuuuuussssssshhhhhhh? I’ve got a room to clear…. So many personal possessions to let go of… Decisions to make on what has had it’s time.

That’s right. Hold the vision and get very peaceful inside. Less pushing. More releasing gratefully. Many belongings and ideas have had their time. Let them go. Time for mediation…

MEDITATION

That was lovely. Really grounding and beautiful. It gave me the opportunity to work with ‘clear the decks’. I saw a mindmap on my wall of everything I’d like to do to bring ‘closure, celebration, capitalising..’ to 2018. I realised my underlying need is for ‘relaxed organisation‘. I must say, playing Switch20:20:20 is brilliant for this. These days sometimes I’m going for Switch20:40 – typically 20 minutes up and about in the body, and 40 mins of seated work. It breaks my ‘rabbit hole’ tendencies and supports me to plan and execute tasks in do-able chunks. So, ‘relaxed organisation’ is in the spirit of ‘inner softness is the precursor to inner strength. I realised in the mediation:

OLD ORGANISATION style: withdraw / hide / avoid… then put on a suit of armour, rev up the engines (fuelled by caffeine and sugar..) and attack the tsumani of overwhelm! Pppppuuuuuusssssshhhhhhhh!

NEW ORGANISATION style: settle the ANS; move into PSNS (parasympathetic nervous system); visualise the organised outcome; reach into inner softness; let inner strength start to make itself felt; move forward in a relaxed, trusting, gentle manner.

So, let’s wind up.

Action 1: Create the 2018 Clear The Decks Mindmap (Closure, Celebration, Capitalising)

Action 2: Settle into ‘relaxed organisation’

Today I am settling into ‘relaxed organisation’.

********************

MEDITATION? YES – 17 mins with Mindful Movement (above)

EXERCISE? YES / NO

#STEPS

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? YES / NO / NEARLY

DRY today? YES / NO

MORNING: My muesli,

EVENING:

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? YES / NO

Screens off: Lights out:

Wake up the next day: Total sleep:

2018-11-28

MEDS Day 55: Today I am fitter than before

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Long walk in the sunshine with G
Huge lunch out
Peace, quiet, rest, revitalisation
Movements class
Not drinking at all 🙂

I was thinking yesterday about how, in our human society, when we are ‘reduced’ by poverty, challenges, circumstances, the effects of trauma… our voice becomes very small. When we finally get the strength to ask for what we want, although our request is by now urgent, in its meekness, it is drowned out by the chipper person next door blaring out their needs.

Compare the quiet voice of the homeless person on the street asking for change; and the multi-channel claxon hoot of the person wanting the council to mend the pothole which scuffed their car’s bumper.

In light of the UN report on UK poverty, which has been summarily dismissed by the government, I think it’s time we got better at hearing the voices of the meek.

Blessed are the meek…

Darn right.

My need at the moment is to build up physical strength. At this stage of life, at the end of each day, we are either fitter than we were, or less fit. There is no stasis. Got to keep moving. So help me…

Today I am fitter than before

********************

MEDITATION? NO

EXERCISE? NO! I couldn’t get out…! :///

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? NO

MORNING: Sausages&kale

EVENING: Cottage pie and broccoli, G&T

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO

Screens off: 11 Lights out: 11.10

Wake up the next day: 7am Total sleep: 8h! 🙂

2018-11-282018-11-28

MEDS Day 54: I am still practising Inner Softness

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

beautiful singing workshop – the learning, the sharing with friends, the music, the day with my Love
the closeness, the cosiness, the comfort of an evening together
watching some of the classic Sat night programmes plus…
watching The Bodyguard…

When practising Inner Softness, suddenly, as if by magic, I can visualise a softer future too. When I’m in a pinched state, I can only really picture a pinched future – which is then surely what I’m actively creating for myself…

I also realise this:

Inner Softness is the precursor to Inner Strength

As I soften inside, I open space, I become more aware of what’s going on inside me… And then I can find my core strength; I can drop anchor.

On other matters: The Bodyguard film. Oh. My. Word. Watching it again (from c15 mins in, to the end), I realise how very much it had ‘imprinted’ on me, not just in 1992 when it came out, but over the years that followed when the Bodyguard soundtrack was one of about 3 tapes I played on a loop in my car.

This is hard to convey, but I really realise now, how (as an impressionable, romantic and Aspie teenager) to a certain degree I absorbed and internalised what I can only describe as ‘expectations’ or ‘assumptions’ about how a relationship… no, be honest, how a man would behave towards a woman in a healthy relationship: noble, protective, grounded, self-disciplined… Those expectations were then confounded in my early adulthood – and I was so shocked, devastated, disorientated! I share this very much in the framework of my growing understanding of my Asperger’s – and the various ways I framed relationships, and representations of femininity and masculinity, against maps I had watched elsewhere. The other relationship map I had watched was my parents’. In sum, I brought to my relationships expectations which may or may not have figured in the least with the person I was with.

But here’s the thing. Startlingly, years down the line, I find myself in a beautiful, life-affirming, joyful relationship with someone who is indeed noble, protective, grounded, self-disciplined. Man alive, he even looks like Kevin Costner. But more handsome. I got this shock to my system, as I looked over at him, while the film rolled on. Like, somehow, the dream of my earlier years had played itself out, in and across time?

Why is this relevant? Because the ‘dream’ only began to fall into place as I learnt to master my inner state, my emotional patterns, my mental balance. I only met someone so kind and caring once I had committed to be kind and caring to myself.

********************

MEDITATION? NO

EXERCISE? YES! Great walk out from the town (2h) + Movements class (2h)

#STEPS – 13000!

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO

DRY today? YES! <3

11am Sausages&rice

5pm Roast lunch at carvery

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? YES / NO

Screens off: Lights out:

Wake up the next day: Total sleep:

2018-11-20

MEDS Day 53: Today I am practising Inner Softness

I am grateful for yesterday’s…

Extraordinary training delivery – on suicide prevention. Profound experience.
Completing the hardest week of the year, workwise – and feeling like I’ve ‘broken up’ for end of term
Huge, helpful, somatic-release cry… before a lovely, warming, heartening…
Evening out with my Love

Feeling still a little pinched today. The content of the last week’s training has been so hard, so intense, and the stories of suicide people shared yesterday really took the wind out of us all.

Remember that song… “Get up, get on up…”

Yes, I’m meant to be at a singing workshop… I’m 2 hours late. Here in my pjs.

It’s sunny outdoors. Not a day to be lingering in pjs, dear one.

Orientate me a bit. What have I learnt this week?

Revise this:

All dependency arises because the arrow of attention has been caught in the pendulum’s noose. In order to “come off the needle” you have to switch your attention to something else. Will power is rarely enough to free yourself from the noose in the same way that you can only get a song out of your head when you switch to a different tune. A harmful habit is as a rule accompanied by a specific script and set of scenery…. There is only one way to pay off all your debts and walk away from the grievous bank: change the script and scenery. If is not difficult to do, you just have to do it and then apply a little imagination.’ (Reality Transurfing p596)

“Change the script and scenery.” I could do that a little more… I’m really saddened by some of the words I’ve heard recently…

Focus only upon that which you would see more of.

Like… Peace, love, understanding.

For example. But even and also, the practical, pragmatic, tangible things… The real ‘scenery’:

the food you like to see (you’ve done some great healthy cooking this week)
the places you love to visit and feast your senses on
the people you admire and are inspired by
the tools you know provoke healing, learning, joy…

To what degree do your words (“script”) focus on illuminating that which your heart is uplifted by?

Remember that settling the system (ANS) allows us to steer our minds in the ‘towards’ direction, instead of being propelled in an ‘away-from’ manner.

I just read an article about MDMA therapy, for profound trauma release.

Your brain can make its own MDMA if you work with it, and not against it.

Meaning?

Be still, be gentle, be soft…

You keep saying that. What insight am I missing?

Softness is in inside job. You have held yourself rigid inside, to power though the ‘work ahead’. Let the softness return and you will free up your Inner Being to express itself and take the lead. Your Inner Being is ready to lead and to guide whenever you are prepared to let it. Softness is the key. (Don’t worry – not to be confused with apathy, nor laziness.) True inner softness is a discipline, requiring a strong, poised body; a clean, clear mind. Reach in for your inner softness; connect with your Inner Being and Knowing.

Today I am practising Inner Softness <3

********************

MEDITATION? NO

EXERCISE? NO

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO

DRY today? NO

8.30am: Sausages & rice

1pm: Jacket potato, chilli, salad, tortilla chips, tea, cheesecake, biccies (Singing workshop delights!)

7pm: (At home) Lamb curry, rice, poppadoms, V&DietCoke

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – Sat

Screens off: / Lights out: 12.30

Wake up the next day: 8 Total sleep: 7.5

2018-11-17

MEDS Day 52: Today I am well

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

fruitful work (completed a new training programme, on Suicide Prevention & Intervention – delivering today)
Switch20 game… got a lot done when I used it
good food
fascination with British politics going into 6th gear…

Switch20 shows me how deeeeeeeeeply down the mental (thinking) rabbit hole I tend to go.

When I Switch Attention ‘cleanly’ (which can feel like pulling a tooth out initially), it makes me more:

efficient
agile
focussed
task-orientated
minimalist
attentive to the ‘next best task’
‘problem-busting’
(also…. agitated and unsettled if I’m not in the right zone)

I spent a long time on the training development after I dropped off using Switch20 at about 1pm…. I would have been more efficient and agile and focussed if I had had the courage to keep using it – but I was under a pressure of a deadline to complete, so it just felt ‘risky’ to try a new way.

That’s understandable. You are developing new tools, for fuller deployment donw the line. Everything doesn’t have to be mastered immediately.

This morning I’ve been studying the Bronnikov Method…. He talks about the New Human. It’s really interesting, because it seems to pick up things I’ve worked out myself… It matches Joe Dispenza who I was reading and finding helpful recently too. See: https://www.bronnikovcenter.net/

Also I’ve downloaded an intermittent fasting app called BodyFast. I know I need to give my body a break and a boost.

I guess I’m thinking about this ‘human potential’ theme. It sure is an antidote to thinking about mental illness which was a big theme for me, and is now what I am training people about a lot.

Yes, the ‘towards’ vision….

I must go to work… Got this important training. Today?

“I am well”

Nu?

Your world mirrors your belief. Remind yourself to live with and within your ‘towards’ vision. Especially when delivering training which would benefit from your positive assertion at all times. Sing it internally across the day.

Lovely. Thank you..

Today I am well

********************

MEDITATION? NO

EXERCISE? NO

#STEPS

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO

DRY today? NO

MORNING: My muesli, caulirice&eggs&kale :)))

EVENING: Fish & chips, G&Ts

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO festive friday

Screens off: 11 Lights out: 11

Wake up the next day: 7 Total sleep: 8

2018-11-16

MEDS Day 51: Today I am switching attention ‘cleanly’

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

rewarding day-long mental health training for an animal rescue shelter <3
learning (for the training for animal carers) about Compassion Fatigue (= burnout + secondary (vicarious) trauma; on a par with PTSD) – yes, that’s what happened for me… Good to know that.
the feeling of competence and completion with the training
spending a day in conversation and mutual learning
overcoming the tough start to the day (Man, was I hungover??! Red wine = no good for me – even organic, even ‘just’ 2 glasses…)
gorgeous, brief evening with my Love – and delicious chips 🙂
last night’s dream = got shot at with blanks by passing strangers, 3 times in 24h. The third guy insisted he just wanted to be friends, and insisted on coming home with me, Ana and Susannah, under threat of his gun. We pretended to be ‘friends’ with him… Social predators and psychopaths…

The notion of self-kindness was useful. I asked myself,“If kindness relates to the way we would treat our ‘kin’, what would I want for (or, be happy to hear) in relation to my beautiful children?”:

Healthy, fit, exercised body
Stable income and good savings (not too agreeable)
Healthy consumption habits (good food, substance free, alcohol free/moderate)
Feeling optimistic / hopeful / excited about the future
Lovely partner, friends and strong family connections
Able to expand hearts out to others (Dalai Lama)

And then I asked myself the same question with regards to what I would want to hear for my father (in his early 80s) – “If kindness relates to the way we would treat our ‘kin’, what would I want for (or, be happy to hear) in relation to my lovely father?”:

Feeling surrounded (by family, friends, network, professional services)
Knowing ‘what will happen’ – for peace of mind (eg in the event of loss of capacity, at end of life, after death – as far as it’s possible to plan) – to have had the Conversations
Peace in the ‘legacy’ theme

So, may I give these things to myself as an act of self-kindness, and also to spare my ‘kin’ concerns (that I know I would have if these things weren’t in place for them).

This is the work of the next phase of life, dear Soul. There is much softness and care to bring to yourself.

It was helpful learning about Compassion Fatigue. What a great term. Why did no-one point this out to me?! Of course I would develop it as an Aspie single parent of two children with special needs etc. Why did no one say?!

Maybe you can ‘say’ to others, dear one.

Yes. I will. And I will talk about Self-Kindness.

Good. Where?

Here. 🙂 And there. :))

Excellent. There’s nothing like a SMART target. :))

And that was nothing like a SMART target! Hahaha..!

This morning is a home-working day. I’m playing Switch202020 again (since 7am) – it’s so good. It’s helped me: break up the morning; not get stuck in brain-zone in bed – though I’ve come back to bed each time; do meditation on the stool (counts as ‘up’); tidy my work space; clear the kitchen; do 3 writing slots… It links so well with the Reality Transurfing insight which inspired my (our) game (summarised here, page 608): “To “come off the needle” you have to switch your attention and occupy your mind with something else, changing the scripts and scenery.”

[PIC of page 608 and FFP]

I’ve got a way of playing Switch20 – basically, after each 20 mins, you are either getting up, or sitting down, right? So now I have a song to sing aloud for each Switch:

Get up = Get up, get on up, get on the scene…. (James Brown)

Sit down = Get down on it…. (Look and the Gang)

Nice! And how successful are you at Switching?

Ha, apart from right now when I’ve run into the next slot… pretty good! The trick is to write (in the Planner) what you are doing for the next 20 mins before you do it, and then review it (smiley face etc) at the end. You’ve got to stick to the task at hand. In this way, this game is so good for retraining the attention – a) to switch as bidden and b) to stay ‘on task’. As RT (p608) says, we are ever-seeking to wake up and heighten awareness of ‘what’s happening’: “Awareness: in this moment I am awake and am clearly aware of what I am doing, why and why in this manner specifically.”

Today is a big day: I’ve a whole training package to complete today, and it’s on suicide prevention. Need to get it spot on.

Switch20 will really assist you to achieve this.

Cool. So, today?

Today is about switching attention (every 20 mins) in an increasingly ‘clean and clear’ way. It’s about ‘dropping’ the task at hand, and picking up the next – with a smooth, thorough segue. In other words, being sure to use the planner. Why? The body and mind will learn to sense and remain present to the span of 20 minutes. It will sense the apogee of each Switch Slot, and learn to ride in to and out of it.

Ok. Excellent. I like the sound of that. I was struck by a father’s description of his daughter’s PDA on the radio this morning: like being stuck in a car with a wasp, wanting to flee it, or fight it…. just as anyone would in that actual situation… but being at that height of emotion all the time. Switching attention is so good for taking the ‘sympathetic nervous system’ mind off ‘the wasp’… Just practising redirecting the mind/ thinking away from a) the desirable/stimmy/suck-me-in stuff, and b) the amgydala-hijack, fight/flight material. Excellent.

So, today I am switching attention cleanly and clearly?

‘Cleanly’ is fine.

Today I am switching attention ‘cleanly’

MEDITATION? YES – 15 min – on the stool – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3r-CRbY6g7s – lovely

EXERCISE? YES – 10 mins of twitches

#STEPS – 500… inside all day

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY 🙂 Not bad at all. Homecooked for several days now, and that makes all the difference.

DRY today? NO – 1 G&T (with diet tonic)

MORNING: Coffee with cream; my muesli; carrot soup&kale&chicken; tea

EVENING: White fish, some chips, kale, G&T

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – working til late

Screens off: 12.15 Lights out: 12.30

Wake up the next day: 5.15! Total sleep: 4.45h :// last day of long week

2018-11-152018-11-17

MEDS Day 50: Today I am being kind to myself

I’m grateful for yesterday’s…

being with family to mark the life and loss of our dear cousin R
the car journey with my lovely eldest
time with my sister
catch up with my Love
travelling lightly – yes, I conserved good energy as a Glitter Glider :))

I’m so tired. I woke at 4am with anxiety about the day/week ahead, and alas, possibly the effects of two glasses of (org red) wine last night… Argh. I’ve got a day of training ahead. Yesterday’s funeral was beautiful, but I haven’t had time to process it yet. I’m groggy and not myself… Why am I not being ‘corrected’ by the MEDS project? I’m still all over the place in terms of my habits!

Today is a day for practising and teaching self-kindness.

What is self-kindness?

Kindness comes from the word ‘kin’, family – it’s the treatment we would give to our ‘own’, our nearest and dearest. So self-kindness is to treat ourselves as if we were our dearest family member. Softly.

Thank you. I will work with that today. My heart is heavy.

We can see. Breathe in. Breathe out. Be kind to yourself.

Today I am being kind to myself.

********************

Meditation:

MEDITATION? NO – delivering training 8.30am – 4pm – but 1 min would have been good…. 🙂

Exercise:

EXERCISE? NO – again – 3mins would have been good… 🙂

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? YES!!!! til the chips at 6pm 🙂

DRY today? NO – dropped the red wine, that didn’t work… G&T in a tin with coke… Less brain-addling than wine

MORNING: Salmon&veg (baked, at 6am!!) for breakfast and packed lunch!! (NEED to get a reliable, non-leaky lunch container – bcs taking lowcarb lunch with me is GOOD); tea; water

EVENING: Home made chicken, broccoli & delicious chunky chips (G here ) 🙂

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? YES!!!!!!! WHOOP

Screens off: 9.30pm Lights out: 9.50pm – so tired!!

Wake up the next day: 7am – aahhhh, lovely Total sleep: NINE HOURS!!

2018-11-14

MEDS Day 49: Today I am travelling lightly

I am grateful for yesterday’s…

Successful training. One participant said, “The best session I’ve ever been to.” And she’s been at the company since 1985. 🙂
Energy to bring it all together yesterday, and to be roughly present to people, while managing my cortisol levels.
Support (emotional, logistical) from colleagues, and from my dear generous Love.
An evening in bed…

So, playing Switch20:20:20… I couldn’t hold concentration yesterday. It was such a full-on day… But I am this morning. I’ve been awake since 5.45am – got up at 6am, and have been Switching every 20 mins since.

The wisdom of theSwitch20:20:20 game includes:

the regular break up of flow and attention forces one to consider, ‘is this activity the best use of my time now?’ – often I find I’ve gone down a rabbit hole…! Good to pull back and out and refocus.
the nudge to get the ‘little things’ done, those things I can overlook / dodge, but the execution of which improves one’s sense of wellbeing and order. Eg. just now I bust out of sitting-working mode, got up, and unpacked and put away all my training materials from yesterday. Ace.
the reminder that you can always come back to the all-consumingly enjoyable thing – it’s just you don’t have to finish it now… Instead, when the 20 mins is up, break out of the zone and… Get up, get on up…..stay on the scene… like a sex machine…

So, on to today.

Today, is a sombre day – the funeral of a dear relative. So, soon I will be leaving the house and back later in the evening. Your advice for the day?

Travel lightly

‘Travel’ or ‘tread’?

Travel – as in ‘carry oneself forward, bear oneself onward’. Be soft as the breeze in the way you move; be uplifted, weightless, without gravity or gravitas. Carry with you the soft breezes of love. And return home with energy to spare. Breathe in the air; breathe out the air. Do not rush, hasten, or harry yourself.

I’m travelling with my lovely eldest.

Your day is about being with her too.

And seeing my lovely family…

Breathe it all in. These are precious days. Precious moments. They can be lost to over-pacing. Travel lightly as air. The theme ‘Get up, get on up’ carries here. We get up, and we travel lightly… onwards, forwards. When we travel lightly we are moving, while remaining present to what is happening now. We are not fixated on the future (and therefore missing the present riches)… We are appreciating and enjoying the passing scenery with equanimity.

Like a doll on wheels gliding along…

If you will. 🙂

So now, it’s time to move softly on with the day. Get up (lightly), get on up (softly), stay in the scene, like a love machine…

Nice. Well that’s the song for the day..! Onwards we go, lightly, softly…

Today I am travelling lightly

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MEDITATION? No

EXERCISE? No

DIET – Brainmaker? No

DRY today? No

Time / Intake:

8am – soup and spinach 9am cereal 1pm buffet sandwiches, tea, wine

later – chicken and salad… wine

SLEEP – in BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO

Screens off: 11 Lights out: 11

Wake up the next day: 4am Total sleep: 5

2018-11-13

MEDS Day 48: Today I am playing ‘Switch 20:20:20’ again

I am grateful for yesterday’s…

Prayers for world peace
Lunch out by the river
Walk by the river
Movements class
Time and connection and sharing with my Love

I want to make a quick throwback to Day 46 and playing the game of Switching Attention (every 20 mins). It was AMAZING, brilliant and revelationary. Every 20 mins, I would either sit down and work on one pre-noted chunk of work; or get up and do something physical. I had the most productive day I’ve had in months. I went out jogging twice (for 10 mins each time – easy!). I cleared the house up. I got work done I had been dreading! It felt so fun and playful!! I would laugh every time the timer pinged again… “20 minutes already?!” It felt I could tackle a little bit of anything. And I did. My attention was under my command. I loved it.

So today. Briefly! It’s the beginning of a big week, with 3 bespoke training bookings, on M, W and F. And a funeral, alas, on Tuesday. Your words, dear wisdom of my soul…?

11.12 has always been good number for you.

Yes! It’s true. How shall I apply it today?

Continue playing Switch 20:20:20. The urge to zone in or zone out can be strong. Keep moving and re-intending, every 20 mins. At the start of each 20 minutes, you know what to do:

Get up from your seat or sit down at it.
Write in your planner how you intend to use the next 20 mins (this does not need a plan in advance – the mind knows What’s Next)
Towards the end of the 20 mins, write your review… (smiley/sad face is plenty)
When the timer pings, press ‘Repeat’

Ok, cool. But also, I have training to deliver this afternoon.

Use 20:20:20 to break up the training too. Every 20 mins, a switch of mode.

I didn’t write the training like that though…

Just keep an eye on the clock. Play the game with yourself… The participants will benefit. 🙂

Ok. I’m going to finish with 5 mins meditation and get up on the hour…

Excellent. Trust in this.

Will do.

Today I am playing ‘Switch 20:20:20’ again

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Meditation:

MEDITATION? YES – 4 mins at 9.55am

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – walking

#STEPS: c8000

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? NO – glass of org red wine

MORNING: My muesli, soup&spinach, celery&pate

AFTERNOON: Seeds, nuts, soup&sausage, wine

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? YES & NO – in bed by 8pm, wired til 11

Screens off: 11 Lights out: 11.15

Wake up the next day: 5.45am (noivous) Total sleep: 6.5h