Month: January 2021

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Create 20: I am generating Good Space 

Good morning. It’s Saturday morning. Hooray for the weekend. That was a tough, long, full work week. I managed to get through one of my biggest training weeks ever without unravelling… through your very helpful energy management advice.

Singing FFGIABB (ty Megan Thee Stallion) was a perfect antidote to ‘worryingaboutpeoplesreactionstowardsme’.

Also helpful was: defining quietly for myself the people I vibe with (Human Glee List) – and those I don’t and whom I’d tend to fawn towards anyway (Fawnee List). It’s ok to discern between those we resonate with and those we don’t. Right?

So true. This is truly the work at hand. Your days are not allotted to you to serve those who would suck your energy from you. But to riff with those you resonate with so you can collectively create the energy of the New Creation. 

What’s that? The New Creation?

Because you live in Time and Space, the work of each day (day = 24 hours on the physical plane) is to bring forth more eventualities into Time and Space. That’s the game. And each new packet of eventualities you bring forth – individually and collectively across all combinations of community / nation / family group – has a distinct flavour to it.

Sometimes you will be rehashing the past ( = old creations; sour, bland flavour) on the back of old, outdated habits, thoughts and beliefs. But at other times, you will be bringing forth that which represents your higher being. Right? And this is soul-led, sweet-tasting – and it’s what we call the New Creation. Any packet of eventualities arising out of our highest selves is a New Creation. 

So it takes personal awareness, consciousness, freedom from ego-fear… to achieve that, right?

Hm… more easily put… it requires a proclivity for joy. The fun stuff is always emanating from the  higher self – it’s truly fun, truly joyful – and not merely self-medicating or numbing. 

And so… and so… tell me about fun in the time of Covid. For me, fun has so often involved movement… which I’m aware is sometimes a form of self-medication….

Now you are on to something. Fun is literally on the flipside of your fear. 

Aw maannnnn… really? Dang it… :/ 😐 😉

Fun is on the flipside of your fear of being mis-judged and mis-understood… 

Even better. I’d love to go there!! ;-} Ok so educate me, please. I’m listening. Is this about sticking my neck out?

YES! It is! 

Arghhh! ;-`{} Ok so go on…………..

The great Creator is a Neck Sticker Outer. That’s what creation is all about. And it never seeks permission. It never bases its next step on the say-so of the consumers, or the reception awarded to the last step. Why? Because the next step is already written. 

So if this is all on the flipside of my fear, you want to take me there?

Of course! With pleasure. The fear blanket we are addressing is merely the fear of being ridiculed. 

Oh, well then… Easy!

Listen. You are acutely sensitive to the yay/no of others, right? Due to your upbringing, and to you being a beautiful Aspie HSP.

But that outward scanning is wasting you some time. It’s not serving you well. Why? Because your work (and the same goes for all of you) comes down to inwards scanning. 

Were you all to spend each day scanning the internal screen of your inner being, and following its vision, you’d be in fun land daily, and yes, you’d be endlessly creative. 

The next person is not interested in your creativity while you are doing it for their consumption. They are interested in the creativity that flows from you naturally, as light follows dark… They are interested in the being that flows from non-being. 

But the trolls. Judgement. Kick backs. Complaints. Jealousy. Criticism.

Grist. To. The. Mill. Of. Your. Soul. 

What do you think was the catalyst for the soul work of some of the greats? The nay-sayers. The greater the yays, the louder the nays. Fuel to the fire. 

This – if I’m honest – goes against so much of my make-up. That fawning, people-pleasing, conjuring approval and applause…. it’s what has kept me SAFE in this world. It’s what has brought income and a roof over my head.

B.S. What has brought the income and the repeat business is that you do things your way. You have your own style. You are… creative in what you do. You add unto. Did you see the person who was observing you yesterday note down all your ideas? They did so because you are innovative. 

I am innovative.

So here’s the lesson. Your innovations are not just imaginative as such… they are what happens when you connect to your inner being, which is wildly creative. It’s also the result of your gathering energy… wind horse… to be able to channel that knowing into yourself and out on to the page, product or slide.

Wind horse / lungta….

Detach from the terminology. Try not to mentalise what we are saying, but to feel it. Internalise our teachings by absorbing them into your heart as loving whisperings. Yes, we see you… worried about what’s going on with G… Be still and hear these messages as messages of love. Step away from this encounter here as if you have just been made love to. Seriously. This is important for you to realise. If there are changes ahead, you need to be anchoring this love we are extending to you at all times. It will nourish and sustain you. 

Changes?

Life is only change. As you know yourself to be held in love on a self-sustaining basis, you are empowered to surf the waves of change while relishing the breeze in your hair and finding the momentum exhilarating. 

Your love for you own self, your own soul, your own inner being, your own inner and outer awareness… that is all your most precious asset and prerogative. Hold it tightly yet lightly… 

When we said, ‘self-centre’ we really meant it. This will allow you to:

  1. Gather energy (windhorse) 
  2. Connect to your wildly creative inner being 
  3. Convert thoughts to things in a joyful manner

How best do I self-centre?

In present moment awareness. Which is best encountered in your meditation practice… or while practising a creative art. (Like you did with NVC flip chart.)

Aha, so catch 22… we get self-centred for being creatively energised by… creating.

Boom. Which takes being self-centred… not other centred… 

I need help. May all the angels of heaven gather round us all in these days, to help us drop anchor within, and self-centre energetically, so that we may experience our own ‘basic goodness’ and have the life force harnessed in us to manifest that which is in us to bring forth…

‘Joy is the key.’ And also, ‘following the feelings’. Recall? 

Follow your joy / bliss / glee. SO… that works in ONE way when it’s sunny out, G & I are riffing, and there’s easy momentum. Genuine question: what’s the best way to do this on a rainy lockdown day when I feel G keeping an arm’s length and …?

Stop. 

Go in. 

Ask: what brings me a sense of joy? (Remember these words from above: Were you all to spend each day scanning the internal screen of your inner being, and following its vision, you’d be in fun land daily, and yes, you’d be endlessly creative. )

TODAY”S CREATIVE IMPULSE: Um… tbh… maybe a clear out… a tidy out … of the old… in the house… if we’re going to be at home all day… a refresh of drawers…? A chuck out, Dad-style? Get rid of the tired? Make room for the new? Clear the decks of the house… ? Of my space? Put stuff in the car for disposal or redistribution…? Doesn’t feel excessively trippy and ‘fun’…

But excessively trippy and fun would be self-medicating or distracting. This feels like GENUINE wellbeing for you – generating Good Space in your home. 

Yes. I feel tender.

Good. Then we’ve arrived at an insight. Your inner being knows that generating Good Space in your home will increase your wellbeing. That is a creative act. 

Amen. Ok. Let’s get some bags and boxes out then…

You are loved. 

Ty. U2. xxx

I am generating Good Space 

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Create 19: I am self-centring

  • I did write a non-fawning, direct email to the one who’d been bombarding me with emails. It felt good to reestablish some boundaries.
  • I did play the FBGIABB song – on a LOOP. 🙂
  • I made a list of Human Glee and Human Fawnees… and it was a helpful reminder that I don’t owe ‘everyone everything’ – I can hold reserves for those I actually do click with!
  • I did do my FIVE hours of training across two groups without busting an adrenal in fawning to participants. I held my own… eg to the woman who kept badgering me for random tech support because her iPad wasn’t working – I invited her to leave the session and come back later…

This morning I’m using the time to shift some shit off my list and prepare for the day. Any tips?

Self-Centre in every moment. Hold your energy for You. 

Seriously, this is the work of this moment of immense pressure for all: to keep your energy for You. 

Is this to do with, like, louche harvesting, or something..?

Just hold on to what is rightfully yours. Your life force. 

Qi time then… yes?

EVERY day is Qi time… 

Ok. I hear you. So ‘Self-Centre’. I’ll work with that… Ty. xxx

I am self-centring

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Create 18: I am enjoy the EASE of non-fawning (Sayonara ‘Fawnee List’ – FBGIABB)

Yes! It’s good to be lending one’s attention to the positive THCs with the Human Glee List! Too often the mind is geared by default to watching out for the neggy non-vibe threat mongers.

Then I think. I’m nearly 50… What’s up…? Am I terribly immature?

And then I bring love back to myself, and care…

And then I remember why any, any of us may be urgently in need of consolation, reassurance… at the level of the inner children up and outwards..

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-55814751

Good lord, the sorrows of the world, of this country… It’s inexplicable… It’s present to my heart every day. No wonder I, we, are seeking connection of the heart. To comfort each other. To reassure each other. Months and months (10 months to be precise) without (normal) social connection… aware of inestimable grief and suffering ‘somewhere out there’ (if we are lucky enough to be protected) on the frontlines.

Certainly, I haven’t had in-person contact with another soul but G (except for LV for an hour on her birthday and maybe one trip to the shops) since I dropped ASV at the station on the 3rd Jan, three weeks ago. And why is it we are staying home alone every day? Because of the inescapable fact that people are suffering, globally, at an unspeakable level. It’s truly way too much to handle psychologically.

And every day I’m hustling… massively over-booked with work in mental health and conflict. No wonder I need the fresh nourishment of true human connections. And I know them when I see them! They bring me EASE. 

“I’m generating EASE in all I do!” I started to say to myself. I’m reframing all I do – especially after catching myself grumbling about being ‘over-booked’ on the family Zoom., where not all are lucky enough to be working at this time…

I say: “My work is EASEy” – and it really is. I just shuffle into some clothes and into the office, and read off my own training slides. It’s EASEy. 

Ok. So. Your thoughts?

****Med…*****

Haha… So this came along… Ehem.. You only need the first 10 seconds or so…

(“Fuck bein’ good, I’m a bad bitch…”)

Over to You!

The fact of the matter is this – it’s a time of ACUTE discernment for you all:

  • If you feel the EASE of a True Heart Connection – connect. 
  • If you feel the – yes, we’re going there – dis-ease of a Non-Heart Connection – disconnect. 

But what about all those people…..?

Sayonara.

ARGH!!!! But I am a nice girl!!!

Fuck bein’ good…!

But I specialise in…!

Fawning? 

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/unlearn-fawn-response

Life is 300% easier without fawning. Look at G. 

Hm… interesting….  I am nearly at burnout… Something’s got to shift… And I know I have big work to do – for myself… and when I go to do it, I stop bcs I worry about offending others (eg my freelance work commissioners) by sticking my neck out ‘for me’….

What would you cut if you cut the ‘deadwood’ (ouch, eh?!) of your fawnees (people you fawn to)? 

A lot – a lot – of what is on my to-do list…

Would life be EASEier? 

After the initial ‘cull’… :/ yes!

Good. Then this is the work at hand. To prioritise EASE at all times. As you swim between focussing on: 

  1. the EASE of True Heart Connections, and
  2. the Fuck-Bein-Good of Disconnecting from the Fawnees

life will improve. And there will be more energy to do the work that is Yours (not Theirs). K? 

CREATIVE IMPULSE: Next to the Human Glee List, write a Fawnee List – people YOU sense yourself FAWNING to, or being inclined to FAWN to. Note them and affirm, ‘FBGIABB’… [“Fuck bein’ good, I’m a bad bitch…”]

There is joyful mirth in our shock tactics here! We are being so rude in order to shake you out of your locked-in syndrome of fawning, which is an old trauma response you can ‘shitting’ well do without now. 

Enjoy the EASE of non-fawning (FBGIABB)

Man… the distress of the ‘horrid man’s feedback comment’ or the waking up at 5 because someone (CM) has sent me 12 emails in the last 2 days….. and I really must reply!

FBGIABB is a much better response. I’m going to sleep better. That’s for sure.  I’m going to PUSH BACK HARD against people that I don’t sense an actual THC with. I’m going to stop providing emotional louche for them!! I’m going to be HONEST if I sense they are manipulating me into ‘feeling bad’- how about that?!

Excellent. A reminder because it’s SO important… 

It’s a time of ACUTE discernment for you all:

  • If you feel the EASE of a True Heart Connection – connect. 
  • If you feel the (yep, we’re going there) ‘dis-EASE’ of a Non-Heart Connection – disconnect. 

I am enjoy the EASE of non-fawning (Sayonara ‘Fawnee List’ – FBGIABB)

PLAY this song LOUDLY… and learn its wisdom….: 

Girls in the Hood: https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=XeV4FeX0qyg&list=RDAMVMXeV4FeX0qyg

Megan Thee Stallion
Fuck bein’ good, I’m a bad bitch (ah)
I’m sick of motherfuckers tryna tell me how to live (fuck y’all)
Wack hoes hate under my pictures on the ‘Gram (ugh)
Bitch, you better hope I never run across your man, uh
In the mall with him, I’ma have a ball with him (woah)
Somebody call Rihanna, I’ma buy some drawers with him
He fuckin’ with Thee Stallion ’cause he into wild women (he love wild women)
Put them legs on his head, now he love tall women (uh, yeah, ah)
You’ll never catch me callin’ these niggas daddy (nope)
I ain’t lyin’ ’bout my nut just to make a nigga happy (nigga, please)
Lifestyle when a nigga can’t fit a Magnum
It never happened if the dick wasn’t snappin’ (ayy)
I’m a hot girl, I do hot shit (I do hot shit)
Spend his income on my outfit (on my outfit)
I don’t text quick ’cause I ain’t thirsty (I ain’t thirsty)
These bitches mad, mad, they wanna hurt me (ah, ah)
I’m a hot girl, I do hot shit (I do hot shit)
Spend his income on my outfit (on my outfit)
I don’t text quick ’cause I ain’t thirsty (I ain’t thirsty)
These bitches mad, mad, they wanna hurt me (ah, ah)
Any rumor ’bout me, let me dead it (let me dead it)
I’m a open book and your man probably read it (ah)
Look at my AP and these hoes still pathetic (mmm)
Real bitches back when I check my Patek, yeah (woah)
Yeah, he call my Patty Cake ’cause the way that ass shake (ass shake)
I’ma make him eat me out while I’m watchin’ anime (anime)
Pussy like a Wild Fox, lookin’ for a Sasuke (ayy, yeah)
One night with him make him lose it like a prom date (ah)
Two watches, yeah, call me two-timin’ (two-timin’)
Skin like gold and my teeth like diamonds (like diamonds)
Hot Girl chain, Elliot got me shinin’ (yeah)
They tried to knock me off, but a bitch still grindin’
I’m a hot girl, I do hot shit (I do hot shit)
Spend his income on my outfit (on my outfit)
I don’t text quick ’cause I ain’t thirsty (I ain’t thirsty)
These bitches mad, mad, they wanna hurt me (ah, ah)
I’m a hot girl, I do hot shit (I do hot shit)
Spend his income on my outfit (on my outfit)
I don’t text quick ’cause I ain’t thirsty (I ain’t thirsty)
These bitches mad, mad, they wanna hurt me (ah, ah)
I’m a rich nigga magnet (yeah), pretty with a fatty (with a fatty)
Thirty-inch weave with the long eyelashes (long eyelashes)
Yes, I got a man if I don’t like who askin’ (boy, bye)
I don’t stand outside ’cause I’m too outstandin’ (ah)
‘Cause the girls in the hood are always hard
Ever since sixteen, I been havin’ a job
Knowin’ nothin’ in life, but I gotta get rich
You could check the throwback pics, I been that bitch (ah)
I’m a hot girl, I do hot shit (I do hot shit)
Spend his income on my outfit (on my outfit)
I don’t text quick ’cause I ain’t thirsty (I ain’t thirsty)
These bitches mad, mad, they wanna hurt me (ah, ah)
I’m a hot girl, I do hot shit (I do hot shit)
Spend his income on my outfit (on my outfit)
I don’t text quick ’cause I ain’t thirsty (I ain’t thirsty)
These bitches mad, mad, they wanna hurt me (ah, ah)
Source: LyricFind
_____
Next day notes: 
  • I did write a non-fawning, direct email to the one who’d been bombarding me with emails. It felt good to reestablish some boundaries.
  • I did play the song on a LOOP. 🙂
  • I made a list of Human Glee and Human Fawnees… and it was a helpful reminder that I don’t owe ‘everyone everything’ – I can hold reserves for those I actually do click with!
  • I did do my FIVE hours of training across two groups without busting an adrenal in fawning to participants. I held my own… eg to the woman who kept badgering me for random tech support, I invited her to leave the session and come back later…

This morning I’m using the time to shift some shit off my list and prepare for the day. Any tips?

Self-Centre in every moment. Hold your energy for You. 

Seriously, this is the work of this moment of immense pressure for all: to keep your energy for You. 

Is this to do with, like, louche harvesting, or something..?

Just hold on to what is rightfully yours. Your life force. 

Qi time then… yes?

EVERY day is Qi time… 

Ok. I hear you. So ‘Self-Centre’. I’ll work with that… Ty. xxx

Posted on

Create 17: I am scanning for True Heart Connections (Human Glee List)

MEDITATION: 21 min guided meditation with Tara Brach on Insight Timer.

I noted a certain quality to my heart: mistrustful, troubled, contracting, agitated…

How best can we work with that today?

You’re right, the word at hand (or at heart) is connected to TRUST. 

What Need are you seeking to meet and fulfil today? 

My Heart needs to TRUST I’m not going to throw it… to the lions. Such a big week ahead. TWENTY actual TEACHING HOURS. And all the admin, and calls and stuff. Not to mention the c5 cases I’m running!

So your heart needs to trust you’ll take care of it, and protect it, and keep it safe? 

Yes. Safe from… over-exposure, exhaustion, criticism by others…

Ah, safe from criticism from others… But, some people will criticise us just for daring to open our mouth. No? Our presence triggers something in them. 

So true!! (Those 2 snarky feedback form comments out of a training for 340 people!!) It’s not completely that I feel endangered by this all. But… it’s like I need a WARRIOR heart to withstand it all.

And what is a WARRIOR heart? 

It’s brave, solemn, light, centred, mission-focussed.

And what is your mission this beautiful week? Is it to ‘win’ and ‘succeed’ and earn approval? 

Ha! Well…. I guess not…

Is it to ‘make everyone happy’? 

Ha! Tampoco! That can be my responsibility for me, I guess….

Is it like, to stand for something? Or to be a channel for something? Or to advocate or represent something? Like… do the Lord’s work, or something?! 😉

So close! And yet…! Dear soul, your mission this week is to surf the ocean of your heart’s desires. And your heart’s desires are to do with connection, with others hearts and minds! The meeting of minds is where your heart comes alive. You know that you are alive when you connect with others. You can’t be responsible for others’ readiness to connect, but you can spot the beings who are ready. And then, the magnetic power takes over. And then the wiring of cosmic creation kicks in! And that’s the feeling you love. 

And I guess, sometimes I quibble and retract when I meet someone who doesn’t want to connect.

Yes. And take it personally. If you can realise your heart’s desire is simply the euphoria of connection, then you can drop the encounter that doesn’t vibe early on… and simply keep moving… until you get the aaaahhh of true connection. The true connection is nourishing… and knowing that helps us realise that our reaching out in to the world is nothing more than a self-loving act, because we are looking for the wholeness of connection. 

Creative Impulse: Connection = Glee. So today’s Glee List is focussed solely on instances of CONNECTION with others. You are welcome to list a couple of ‘off’ connections you sense, without judgement, just to notice and learn the difference of sensation in the body… so you can then focus in  with a more educated body on scanning for – and spotting – true Heart CONNECTIONS (THCs). You can call it your Human Glee List of people you vibed with, each day. 

Oh wow. Ok! I’ll do this. Thank you!

I am scanning for true Heart Connections (Human Glee List)

 

______

NOTES:

Yes! It’s good to be lending one’s attention to the positive THCs. Too often the mind is geared by default to watching out for the neggy non-vibe threat mongers.

Then I think. I’m nearly 50… What’s up…? Am I terribly immature?

And then I bring love back to myself, and care… It’s a complex life. Amen.

___

And then I remember why any, any of us may be urgently in need of consolation, reassurance… at the level of the inner children up and outwards..

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-55814751

Good lord, the sorrows of the world, of this country… It’s inexplicable… It’s present to my heart every day. No wonder I, we, are seeking connection of the heart. To comfort each other. To reassure each other. Weeks and months without social connection… Certainly, I haven’t had contact with another soul but G (except for LV for an hour on her birthday and maybe one trip to the shops) since I dropped ASV at the station on the 3rd Jan, three weeks ago. And why? Because people are suffering at an uspeakable level. It’s truly way too much to handle. And every day I’m hustling… massively over booked with work in mental health and conflict. No wonder I need the fresh nourishment of true human connections. And I know them when I see them! They bring me EASE.

I’m generating EASE in all I do. I’m reframing all I do. My work is EASEy – and it really is. I just shuffle into some clothes and into the office, and read off the training slides. It’s EASEy.

 

 

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Create 16: I am finding the glee in all I do today (Glee List)

MEDITATION:

  • Watched Gupta programme video on What is Meditation. Took some v helpful notes.
  • Then I decided to reboot my meditation practice with a 15min guided meditation on Insight Timer (usually I just use the timer, with music and gongs) with a real OG, Tara Brach. So good. So helpful to be reminded… ‘soften, be curious, breathe through it, come back to the breath‘..
  • Last night I had a lovely call with my dearest OG, Eliza – a mindfulness teacher. She reminded me a) of Compassion-based meditation practice and b) of softening our experience with laughter… about oneself… and the ‘predicament’. 

What can I embed all this into my day best – here on this first snowy day of the winter?

Your willingness to try new things always delights and excites us. We love the idea of ‘softening your experience with laughter’. Can you joyously find the glee, the fun, the playfulness in all you do today – from snowball fights, to tending to your work to-do list as you planned? Glee – mirth – joy – laughter… Ah, wonderful! To soften and melt seriousness (so hard, so joyless, so heavy) into the thirst-quenching waters of merriment! Oh we love, love, love it! So, absolutely, find the glee in all you do today! WE LOVE IT! 

Wow…. Thank you! I don’t think I was expecting that. Glee. What a great, great word. Especially unexpected in these…

Don’t say it, sweet cheeks! Come back again! This is the work! Glee-side is always fun. But you gotta OWN it. With rigour and vigour and determination! Would it tickle you if we said GLEE is a serious business?! That is for your enjoyment and merriment… And, dear soul… you get where we’re taking you, don’t you? 

I do! Thank you. 🙂

So, Glee-siders, what’s my creative impulse for today?

To note EVERYTHING that makes you smile today. 

Aha! Love it. Ok. Will do!

A Glee List. 

Love it.

I am finding the glee in all I do today

 

______

Next Day Notes: 

Making a Glee List was such a GREAT exercise because, of course, it causes your attention to be primed for that which causes merriment. You’re trying to spot things that are fun… notionally to be able to add them to the list… but the upshot of that small effort is that a) you spot things you’d otherwise have missed and b) you’re more inclined to interpret things as gleeful than you’d otherwise do. Win, win, win!

A daily Glee List is not dissimilar to a Gratitude or Appreciation list… but turbo-charged for smiles and laughter. Awesome.

 

 

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Create 15: I am relaxing my nervous system (This is the MJO)

***MED***

Today’s Creative Impulse:

I am choosing The More Joyful Option – the MJO. 

eg

  • In making TV/film choices – what option brings more joy?
    • Stabby film or funny film?
  • In planning for the weekend – what option brings more joy?
    • ‘Do work mountain’ or ‘light touch work to feel reassured, and fun walk’?
  • In navigating through my training sessions – what option brings more joy?
    • Ploughing through every detail in my curriculum, or allowing for group discussion.

***NEXT DAY***

So this was fun and good, playing with choosing the more joyful option yesterday – the MJO, and pressing the (renamed) More Joyful Option button on my desk. I found when I applied it, the MJO included:

  • standing staring at the sun on the ornaments rather than busying about the kitchen while the kettle boiled
  • looking at, and being with, the amazing sunrise instead of stopping my qigong video to take a photo
  • doing qigong out in the icy morning, instead of in the sitting room.

But, my oh my, the heaviness that accompanied my (extremely over-booked) day. And stress. And kidney bean discomfort. So much for joy…

At one point in the evening, I hugged G, and realised to my shock, I’d been developing a habit of thinking, “What if he dies…?!”. My word… Too much for the system!! I stopped myself and said to myself, ” Hey! Of course, ONE of us is going to die, (or even go off elsewhere!!) at some point! This is temporary. And that is why it is important to value and enjoy the present moment with him. It’s a gift that is for NOW.” And with that blinding insight… I was suddenly reminded that this is ALL temporary. Especially me. I looked at the bathroom sink – both of us temporary – and thought, ‘I wonder which one will last longer? Me or the sink? I am here temporarily. Start. Stop. The same with all things, all people. Just for now.’ It’s far from morbid, it’s a way of releasing concern or weightiness about what’s currently apparently ‘happening’.

That said, I woke in a state of high anxiety today with kidney beans throbbing and taut – and a sense that I could work all weekend and not catch up but I must as I’m booked out every day next week, and really behind….. and realised I am probably close to burnout and a reoccurrence of full blown adrenal fatigue, and in need of an intervention.

So…. I finally signed up for a free 28 day trial of the Gupta program. 

https://www.guptaprogram.com/dashboard/

Good Lord. I am ready to get on top of my amygdala and ANS… The Gupta program is a neuroplasticity-based amygdala retraining programme – recommended to me by a fellow mediator (RC). It seems to involve twice daily meditation. So did the Presence Process, but I didn’t do it. Maybe this message will just keep coming back until I give in and develop a practice of twice daily meditation.

What was very affirming was this from the first video…….

Look at number 3!: Re-engaging with Joy. 

It makes me want to cry a little bit.

Here’s my homework for Session 1:

Symptom Thought Diary

S1-Attitudes-for-Success

I hope that if and as I re-engage with joy through re-training my nervous system, I will find it easier to be creative?

YES!

Shall we work on the S1-Attitudes-for-Success and ‘Loving Messages to Myself’? Can I ask you to feed me some loving messages to self?

Optimism – What loving messages can I give to myself that help me stay optimistic about my recovery?

I am a beautiful, strong being who always takes steps to tweak self-care for the good of all. I am able to re-balance, as I have done it before. I have all the tools and techniques at my disposal, the time to put them into practice because of lockdown, and the will to use this precious time to reboot my health and care habits. 

Let Go of Perfectionism – What can I say to myself to let go of perfectionism about the tools and techniques?

I know how to bring playfulness to this work. I am at peace with the way I use these online tools. It’s great there is no human interaction at this stage, as I can ease myself in. 

Being Flexible – When have I been flexible in life before?

As a mother and care-giver. I am agile and dexterous. 

Floating Through Dips – What loving messages can I say to myself when I’m going through a dip, that help me stay positive and focused on my recovery?

This is a reboot moment which indicates all is going well and I’m recalibrating. Others’ pace and rate is their business. This ‘dip’ episode is merely lovingly reminding me to go at my own beautiful pace. 

Letting Go of Your Doubts & Just Trusting – What helps me let go of my doubts and trust in the Program?

I have heard great things about this from someone just like me. She recommended it to me. 

Commitment – What can I say to myself to make a commitment to a minimum of 6 months of the Gupta Program? What will help me maintain that commitment?

Honestly, this period in history and the journey of my life is PERFECT for me to do this work at my leisure. In fact, it’s a GREAT use of this ongoing pandemic situation. AND not only am I recovering, in about 6 months, as I launch the School of Dialogue (feeling energised) I’ll be able to translate my learning about the amygdala etc into H2D and my practice. YES!

Self-Love – Am I often hard on myself? How can I talk to myself differently that is more loving and kinder to myself?

I am hard on myself in that I sometimes don’t have strong enough boundaries when it comes to protecting my energy. It’s not just that I don’t say ‘no’ to excess bookings… It’s that I have to say ‘yes’ to excess bookings because I’m not charging high enough rates to meet my financial goals while also maintaining good energy levels! I can love myself more by creating a business where I earn well, so I can live well and save beautifully… I am feeling abundance growing. I need to trust others (IFA, VA, accountants) to help me as I grow my business. This will be easier as I retrain, so that’s all good and loving to self and to other. Amen. 

Nice. Ty. [I’ve stored it here too.]

Good. So let’s start by… Relaxing the Nervous System. That is the practice for today. This is your #1 priority. Nothing else matters more than this. Devote your minutes to this. 

<3 Ty. Ok. This is the MJO. <3

I am relaxing my nervous system

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Create 14: I am choosing joy

I sense our Dialogues are slowing in pace because I’m not competing the Creative Impulses. :/

You are feeling a little blocked because you are not completing the Creative Impulses. We are always here for you with the next Impulse. Like, always. Believe us! 😉

I’m sensing I should use some of this QT time to do that ‘execution’… But yet, I’m trying to order my non-client-facing time around BIC – Bookings / Inbox / Creative(=SoD) so that I have an hour each day for acting on the Creative Impulses.

And yesterday you had 5 client-facing hours, training 120 people..! 

After the second session I went to bed – at 3.50pm – and stayed there til 7pm! I was exhausted!

Excellent. You left it ALL on the pitch. That was you giving of your Heart. 

Today is a softer day. I have a 1:1 meeting with a dude who contacted me, and Conflict Coaching session at 5pm. It’s a 2/4 day (10-12 + 2-6pm) with (I hope) a good walk in the middle for the first time in days. I’m feeling a bit less adrenally, even though I woke up from a kidnapping nightmare (darn you, hostage-negotiating book at bedtime, Chris Voss!).

Let’s go in and get that ol’ PMA. That’s where the good stuff is, remember. 

Ty.

***15minBreathingMedwithInsightTimer***

Ok, so I tentatively played with feeling myself to be a ‘channel for peace’… and felt, hm, no today that’s not quite it. That’s too steady state. Joy! It’s about connecting to Joy today. Like a radio station with a long, long aerial heading up and up, and ‘receiving’ JoyFM.

“Joy is the key” as Abraham-Hicks says. 

And that is where it’s at! Especially in these long, dark, lockdowny days! How can I download, and embody, more joy?

‘Embody’ is the word. To embody joy you need to know that Joy is your Heart’s desire, and that through felt-perception, your Heart is ALWAYS letting you know what would bring it Joy. 

Michael Brown talks about how we shift into ‘felt-paralysis’ (vs our natural ‘felt-perception’) by about 14yo, and become ‘trance fixed’ in ‘thought-perception’.  (AOTH p31)

Thinking brings you little joy. Feeling is where the joy is. 

Neuroception of danger => joylessness

Interoception of the Heart’s playful desires => joyfulness

It’s like following the breadcrumbs, back in to the felt-perception – that is what our Heart does, and is for. Right?

It truly is. If you can get curious about ‘felt-perception’ of the Heart’s messages, you’ll be following the bread crumbs home. And you will feel Joy. So why not flip it? Instead of trying to get into the ‘felt-perception’ per se, just follow the most joyful bread crumbs. 

Like ‘follow your bliss’. That’s what that phrase means. Not merely: ‘be hedonistic’. But rather follow what gives you a sense of bliss, because that’s how you follow the heart instead of the head.

Yes! Indeed! Excellent! 

So, I just need to do/choose/prioritise whatever feels more joyful in any moment.

Boom. 

Ok!! And my creative impulse for the day would be…?

To find a way of sensing joy. 

*closes eyes*

Ok!

CREATIVE IMPULSE for Today: I’m going to get one of my battery powered noise-making buttons out of my training storage cupboard, and use it to make a ‘toot-toot’ every time I consciously Choose Joy. This means, when I have options, I pause and tune into what would bring me more Joy, and with a press of the button (to anchor/celebrate the choice) I choose Joy.  

Love. It. <3

I am choosing joy

DAY NOTES:

I created the Joy button using a post-it note sticker saying “Joy” on my battery powered noise-making button from my box of training props – it has a satisfying ka-pow-ow-ow laser sound. It does indeed underscore the value of choosing the more joyful option. I can use the button to CONFIRM/AFFIRM when I make the more joyful option; or to pause and ASK MYSELF what the more joyful option is. I tried it with a training option I was unsure about taking. I pressed the funny button, and after the sound had faded I felt a strong sense that ‘the more joyful option’ was not to do the training. I suggested to my colleague that another person did the training, which was accepted readily, and felt relieved to have ‘followed my joy’. I knew future me would be grateful I hadn’t said Yes to something my gut didn’t want to do. Awesome stuff! 

 

 

 

 

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Create 13: I am grateful that today I can create my tomorrow

Yesterday, I reached 24 years of motherhood. What a gift and what an astonishing couple of woman I am blessed to share my life with. They are truly thriving. I was fortunate enough to be able to see Lucia for her birthday, both on a Fockers Zoom (with Ayari and Ana) and also in person, for a Covid compliant walk. Precious times. <3

My copy of Deb Dana’s book arrived yesterday:

I have good work to do on polyvagal safety. I woke at 4.45am this morning, and the anxiety and adrenal-pumping through my adrenals were too much. Eventually, to spare my kidneys, I got up at 5.30am and came down.

I know these are unprecedented times etc, and we’re all stuck indoors, and my work is testing… but I’m bored of the anxiety and its toll on my body. I’m tired of its toll on my creativity too.

Ah, the Complexity Problem…

Ha. Darn right. ONE JAM here I come! How To Dialogue is my One Jam, and I’m going to own it. Like John-Speaking-In-Front… He does ONE thing at a time. Normally, it’s his 2 Day Public Speaking Course. During the pandemic, it’s 1 Hour Coaching Sessions. That’s it. The inner discipline – or wisdom – it must take not to try to ‘diversify’ to meet the desire/need for income… Trust? Faith? Focus?

Let’s read… [Alchemy of the Heart by Michael Brown]

****

Ok, this is important:

“Felt-Perception: The reason we perceive the world as inanimate – as solid and lifeless – is that by the time we are adults, we are physically trance fixed. We are physically trance fixed because our heart awareness is shut down. Heart awareness is felt-perception. Felt-perception is the ability to feel the consequences of our thoughts, words and deeds even before we put them into play. When we function from the capacity of felt-perception and we intend to hurt someone, we feel hurt before even acting on the this intent.” AOTH p30

Like the empath, or the sensitive – feeling the other’s distress.

(NB As Chris Voss says, don’t feel their distress – label it.)

This is the thing. Some of the work I’m doing, I know it’s not high vibration. I know it’ll occasionally leave people feeling deflated, scared, worried or incomplete – less connected to themselves rather than more. It’s occasionally fetishing mental ill-health. It’s occasionally disempowering people. It’s making money out of sadness. It’s coming largely from the Head space, rather than the Heart – which is fine, as it’s a start, and at least it’s practical. It attracts people who want to help and care. But my felt-perception says of this work: ‘something’s off’.

Not so How To Dialogue, I believe. This is the work of my Heart.

So maybe I’ll feel less heart anguish and anxiety and internal distress when I move right into the work of my Heart.

Speak to me?

After some accumulating of PMAwareness, dear soul. Go in. 

***12minMed***

What is my best guidance now?

To relax, dear soul. Truly, to relax. You are in a pandemic. Anything that any of you achieve at the moment is a bonus, of which you should all be rightly proud. Your achievements are miracles. 

Ok full disclosure: I feel sad because I was grotty to G in the night bcs of his snorkling, and he had to move next door. I feel low because it’s a MHFA course today, and I’m worried I’m out of adrenaline already, or that I can’t afford to spare more.

And can you bring consummate compassion to yourself for those difficulties? Can you remind yourself that your sadness for the people affected by Covid at the moment needs-must take up space in your Heart each day, leaving you less room for the day-to-day concerns..? 

But how do I settle? Where is the hope?

Remember your safety anchors?

Yes. I noted some after the last Dialogue. Largely around routine.

My Ventral Vagal Safety Anchors:

  • “Dressed by nine (AM), everything’s fine.”
  • “Screens off by nine (PM), everything’s fine.”
  • Day Book with Needs and Feelings
  • BIC (Bookings / Inbox / Creative) each day
  • Use of Stars in Gmail to code my inbox against BIC
  • DecksF@st at 9am to feel ready.

Good. And what are you NEEDING today? What would make life more WONDERFUL?

No trainings? Back to bed? A trip out of a KFC? A large drink….?

Let’s try again. What NEED is not being fulfilled for you at this point in your week? How is this unmet NEED making you FEEL? 

I suspect I need movement… care… momentum… vitality… FUN/PLAYFULNESS (so hard in lockdown…. there’s so little variety)… the feel of someone’s warmth and connection that is not through a screen (in work)…? I don’t know! I’m feeling… RATTLED! Upset. Indifferent. Tired. Resentful. Frazzled. And… all I’m being asked to do is stay at home and earn money…

Your wanderlust is an important factor at play. You’re needing to look forward, aren’t you? We feel confident that if you press on with the SoD work you will open up the doors you seek for travel and adventure, discovery and a sense of the wider world. You are safe, you are held, your loved ones are safe and well too. Hold yourself tenderly, dear soul. Remember your qigong is there to CALM your ANS too. 

Ty. And today’s message?

Use today to create your tomorrow. Keep the vision clear. Walk towards it. One step every day. One step every day. 

Is this how I should best use the Wall Calendar?

Yes. Yes. Yes. 

Creative Impulse: Rip up the idea of using the wall calendar for bookings. Just use it for noting ‘Creative’ steps – ie steps towards the SoD. 

Amen. 

Ty. xx

I am taking daily steps to achieve my vision

I am using today to create my tomorrow

I am grateful that today I can create my tomorrow…. I have the strength. The time. The energy.

I am grateful that today I can create my tomorrow

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Create 12: I am dropping safety anchors

What is alive in me? 

Yesterday on our 7 mile walk I played with daydreaming about travelling… for the SoD, with G / LV / ASV passim… giving week long H2D courses at other people’s retreats/conferences, and making films and writing along the way. I’d have one research question to put to everyone: What tools and techniques, concepts and skills, do you use in your forums of dialogue (1:1, group or public) to achieve effective problem-solving, dispute resolution and collaborative working? 

What would make life more wonderful…?

To get to the point where I am able to leave behind the ‘agency’ work… I did so well to create those relationships, and believe you me, I value them and they have been amazing in bringing me business and a livelihood in a way that made me feel safe and protected… I’m so grateful, eg for Bath Mind, MMF, CEDR, Resolve West, ASWM… But in the end, that is a case of me channelling my energy into building their brands, their resources, their capability. It’s time to initiate and build my own company now. It’s time. And AT.com didn’t quite cut the mustard for B2C work. The SoD will.

It’s time to plant and cultivate my own garden.

Let’s go in. I’d like to hear you.

***7minMedwith Insight Timer***

I heard “I am dropping safety anchors” – as in Deb Dana and her exercises in retraining the polyvagal system to flow easily back to ventral vagal parasympathetic state. I should buy the book… Tell me more please.

Good morning. It is good to be in touch with you. We sensed your difficulties this morning. 

(I woke with a nightmare) Thank you.

The internal state is something to be worked with on the inside and the outside. The inside work is the meditation and thought-framing. The outside work involves creating a life space in which you can flourish and thrive. This involves, especially for those recovering from old traumas, putting down markers in your world that show you, prove to you, remind you.. that you are SAFE. 

So what are my safety anchors?

Your working and living spaces, which are every more set up by you to welcome you, rather than harass you. 

Ouch.. true!

Your processes, procedures and protocols for daily living, which equally, are ever more efficient in giving you a balance of action and rest. Your processes permit a homeostasis of the sympathetic and parasympathetic states, when you undertake them in the spirit of the monk. 

The monk?

The monk or nun knows their aim, and dedicates life, lifestyle and livelihood to it. 

And my aim?

Peace, unity, love and light. Right? 

Well, that does seem to be the recurring theme.

Then let’s own it. 

Just received one of my ‘Higher Self Says’ reminders on my phone: Flow Neutral. Zero Point.

That’s how the monastic is. Flowing, neutral and never far from that centred, balanced Zero Point of inner stillness and calm.

So the safety anchors are there to bolster you to enter and remain in the monastic state, where all energy flows, neutrally, to the Zero Point. 

With effortless ease.

Your Day Book is a safety anchor. Develop it today, and consider the need for ‘safety’ as you go. Note the ‘glimmers’ (v triggers – see Deb Dana flipbook) that your autonomic nervous systems associates with safety, playfulness and connectedness. 

You are safely connected in this world. Your safety anchors will show you this ever more. 

Ty. May I understand my safety anchors better every day, and place them at the heart of my days and weeks and years, so I am in charge of my own safety and wellbeing, and in no way swayed by the vagaries of the ‘outside’ world. My inside world is my defining state of being, and I call peace for myself. And therefore, for all beings.

I’m training staff at a homelessness hostel in mindfulness, and then straight after, managers in a defence multinational in employee mental health.

Drop anchor, drop anchor. You are more than capable to meet each challenge and opportunity today. 

Amen.

I am dropping safety anchors

 

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Create 11: I am focussing on what is ‘done’ (not ‘to do’) 

I got interrupted by a call in my DecksF@st yesterday… about half way through answering 130 emails… I didn’t return to the emails after or even get near to creating in my artist’s studio (nearly wrote ‘autist’s studio’ – now there’s a happy place). And this morning (Sunday) I’m feeling like it’ll be a 7th consecutive ‘work’ day… And I’m losing the confidence to create. Like, I want to blitz the last 70 emails and then zone out – not then start to develop the Eventbrite work.

Slow down, sweet soul. You move too fast…

“You got to make the morning last
Just kicking down the cobblestones
Looking for fun and feelin’ groovy”

Yeah, where’s the creative groovy gone? 🙂

Catch 22. You’re turbulent of heart, mind, body, vagus nerve… so you’re going to wheelspin, and take longer to clear the decks, as you’d wish. 

Your phrase ‘autist’s studio’ – return to that. 

Yes, I guess that would be the place where I can just focus on the gentle joy of ‘creating’ in present moment awareness. It’s very Taoist. Effortless ease. Total absorption. It’s where I am now. It’s where I used to be when I wrote plays… It’s imaginative and fun and free. It’s safe and also somehow ‘unattributable’ in that it’s not about ‘performing’ or ‘presenting myself’ – it’s ‘for the fun of it’.

Feels good, eh? Feels ‘groovy’ even? 

Yes… It does. It’s a lovely feeling. 🙂

You need safety and accountability in your ‘attributable’ work. Your paid for work. We can help you with that. Your Done Lists. They are your route back to seeing how much you achieve. Yes, by all means write to do lists. But really, really – your Done Lists are how you will assure yourself of your incredible competence, your astounding executive functioning. Can we invite you to return to them? 

Yes! By all means. So shake up the Day Book again?

Yes. 

****

OK. I’m back. I’ve done that. My small notebook is now a ‘jotter’/brain dump/capturer of things that will be converted to Done. My A5 notebook is now the Day Book, shaped to capture ‘what was done’ across the day and, as a result of each activity, what Feelings arose and what Needs the activity met. Like a Housekeeper’s Ledger, but of action and impact.

This is good ‘neuroceptive housekeeping’. It’s also good ‘interoception’ as you keep checking back in on your internal state, and learn how you can up-level your internal state by the actions you take to care for yourself, and you clients and colleagues. Excellent work. 

Thank you. Let’s see how we go. I just heard a stat on the radio that 80% of people with autism experience mental health difficulties.

You can help them, and yourself, with your tools and techniques. 

Thank you. So therefore in sum…

Today’s Creative impulse: Shake up the Day Book system so that it can be more of a Done Book, using the A5 notebooks, to track all you do/achieved/received and how it makes you feel – and what needs your actions met. Also, turn the small notebook from Day Book to ‘Jotter’ or brain-dump, to-do capturer… to take concerns out of the conscious headspace in to a safe waiting space. 

Amen. THIS is neuroceptive housekeeping. Ty. Anything else to think about today?

Go practise the practice of focussing on what is now done! <3 

Amen. Will do. Ty.

I am focussing on what is ‘done’ (not ‘to do’)

______

PS> Learn to appreciate your powers of achievement, and honour them. This way they will develop according to your soul’s will, just as you always hoped. 

“I am honouring my powers of achievement” Thank you. I will plant that in my heart right now, as a seed that might flourish in me. Blessings be to us all. <3

And it went like this.. ♥️: