December 2018 - Dialogues of Discernment

2018-12-312018-12-31

MEDS Day 71: Today I am following my routines. “Siempre, siempre.”

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Good mediation meeting – grateful to do the work I do
Getting in to the office for the afternoon despite tired
Great advice from business mentor
Second co-coaching session with my eldest – so helpful, and fun
‘Early night’ – I cancelled plans and stayed in – looked at the presents I’ve bought so far. Didn’t sleep early though… Man alive… I know why though – carried away on the wings of a drink…

Today is the shortest day, the winter solstice. Thank the heavens. Light incoming!

“Loving myself” yesterday felt as light and intangible as taking smelling salts for a coronary event. I did breathe it in gently. I did cancel plans for ‘self-care’. I did hear the voice of reason. I did make use of the time to do thinking/research for the future of my business. But… I didn’t entirely act on what I heard the whole time.

When I said to myself, “If I loved myself completely, in this moment I would…” – well, startling things came up.

I’ll try it now.

If I loved myself completely, in this moment I would… “take the day off”. Clear as day.

Why don’t you take the day off?

I want to have things under my belt before Christmas – especially the last financial stuff. And anyway, I had two days in bed earlier in the week.

Who said anything about ‘a day off’ being spent in bed?

I’ve no energy for anything else! I’m going to have to work in bed most likely. I had 5.5h sleep last night. I’m knackered – and stressed about Christmas presents.

No one cares what you give them.

Yes they do! I do. Oh, I’m so tired. Need to break the CAC cycle so badly…

Coffee: “START the day!”
Alcohol: “STOP the day!”
Carbs: “Comfort….brain fog…numbness”

My body is struggling. I woke up at 5am with my adrenal glands pumping out of my back. It’s crazy.

How about actually tending to your body today, dear soul? Some healing qigong and yoga? Stretch it all out? Get a trot in to shake out some of the trapped trauma feeling…

So you mean actually do the Download Hour properly and trigger some TRE too… Yes. I need to set the boundaries around my mornings, and fulfil my Housekeeping Habits, come what may. It makes all the difference. Yesterday I had a morning appointment…. I just can’t do it without serious consequences.

It is so fine and ok and acceptable to block off your mornings ‘except for exceptional circumstances’.

Here are the Housekeeping Habits as they stand. Each block is 30 mins, but can be concertina-ed down if time is short. The ideal is to touch on every Habit in the same order, every day, even if briefly.

Housekeeping Habits (7am-12pm):

7am Kitchen: coffee (or tea in 2019), machines (laundry/DW), supplements, muesli in a jar for afternoon if required, prep veg for brunch – then back to bed (or in 2019, to red armchair) for…
7.30am Daybook + Yesterbox: planning the day and knocking back comms from yesterday
8am Marketing: publish on my professional blog and on to twitter/LinkedIn, or just do quick social media post
8.30am DoDs 1 – finish yesterday’s post here
9am DoDs 2 – start today’s (like now)
9.30am Download Hour 1: Meditation | Aerobic (jog) | Qigong
10am Download Hour 2: Meditation | Aerobic (jog) | Qigong
10.30 Brunch (and check in with G)
11am Shower & Dress
11.30am Tidy up and prep to leave the house (or sit down at desk) for 12 noon

Hey, that’s actually pretty good when written up. 🙂 I’m pleased with that.

It’s good to do what you need to do. Soon you’ll be able to do the same for the evening. It is safe to create stability.

I’m so Aspie. The manifestation of my autism is getting stronger as I get older, not weaker. I really, really want to go with the Aspie desire for routine and stability, and make use of all it has to offer. A good routine can create wonderful things. Look at Roald Dahl… And Dan Brown… Chop wood, carry water. And repeat. Simple. Simple. Simple. Keep it simple. And do the same thing every day like the Canarians pride themselves on doing, “Siempre, siempre…” (Always, always… I do xyz)

You are learning you don’t need to ‘drop everything’ anymore. Or innovate daily. Hold fast to your chosen, honed, curated, cultivated routines. That is an act of self-respect.

Today I am following my routines. “Siempre, siempre.”

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	10:20:0
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	YES! Til eve.
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books
Med minutes: Tara Brach Smile Med as recommended in Tim Ferriss’s Tools of Titans (edited to 10mins)	10mins
Active minutes	20?
Steps
Food: Coffee&cream; Veg&nuts&seeds; Bounce Protein Ball; Celery&Pate;
Dry?	Nope
Screens off	/
In bed (with books..)	Late!
Sleep Window	Narrow!
Hours slept (as per FitBit data next morning)	?

***********

2018-12-212018-12-21

MEDS Day 70: Today I am loving myself

I am grateful for the last two days….

Financial dialogues – yes – there have been several – with current/potential clients about future work; with my family and loved ones about future living; about money owed to or by me; about household arrangements; about future homes; about future business entities…. I’m glad to have had the internal prompt to be proactive about this theme and prioritise it. Ty inner knowing. It’s good to talk…
Lovely Christmas party for choir
Kind people sending Christmas cards…
Ongoing focus on sleep … yet it’s still deluding me… still at average of 6h10m… Good motivation for dropping CAC (carbs, alcohol and coffee) in Jan. Amen.

And today?

“May there be love in my heart” was your request earlier this morning. What did you mean?

I think I felt it as a prayer for the right kind of energy inside me… Energy as in ‘fuel’ for my day. May I be propelled by love, vs urgency, concern, ‘punctuality’… May I bring love to my meetings (I have a mediation meeting this morning) and to my decisions and conversations. May I relax about Christmas and presents and planning (it makes me so taut each year – “What does everyone want?! I don’t know!”) May I finish the year gracefully and peacefully, instead of running towards it like a bull at a gate.

There is time to carry out a meditation to fill your heart with love. Maybe that would be a good use of your moments now?

[MED – 10 min guided meditation on receiving love energy]

That was good. I feel more settled. I sensed my tendrils drawing in. I liked the focus on receiving love as if articulated by those who know and love us. Very healthy. Soothing.

Receiving love is a real art. Accepting love is a true skill. Acknowledging ourselves as loving. loved and lovable is a gift to ourselves and others. Loving ourselves is the highest power in our gift. In loving ourselves we can express self-kindness, self-compassion, self-forgiveness – with regularity, sincerity and ease. We can make self-care a genuine priority not a task-to-be-done, a state-of-being not an activity.

Today you are invited to love yourself.

This is absolutely a follow-on to the Financial Dialogues. We’re not zig-zagging here. Accepting love and accepting money and accepting the abundance of this universe which adores the divine-sparks within it… This is all in the same category of ‘Be still and know that you are God’.

‘You are God’ or (psalm 46) ‘I am God’?

What do you think, dear spark of divine knowing?

There is but one creation…

Be still and know that you are loved. And the first person to love you must be you. This is a practice. And it starts today.

You can see my response..! It’s ok though. It’s good. I know this. I’m grateful. I know that the MEDS protocols and financial security and physical/mental wellbeing spring from one root – the connecting consciousness between self and the wider consciousness which is predicated on complete love, including love for our own sweet selves.

It’s the sine qua non (the ‘without which not’). All activities of healing and improvement and peace-building are left ‘leaky’ if the foundation of love of the internal and external self is not nurtured and secured. We have to overcome a) the habit of self-abandonment and b) the self-consciousness about violating societal norms of self-disparagement… Time to get up and go, dear one. Happy loving today.

See you on the other side.

Today I am loving myself

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):	Thursday
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	10:0:1
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	Yes, til evening
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	No 🙁
Med minutes	10
Active minutes	58mins 🙂
Steps	11245
Food: Muesli, crisps x 2 packets!, salad, cabbage&sausages&rice, cider
Dry?	No
Screens off	11.15pm
In bed (with books..)	11
Sleep Window	23.37 – 6.12
Hours slept (as per FitBit data next morning)	5h35m (Argh!)

***********

2018-12-202018-12-21

MEDS Day 69: Today I am having Financial Dialogues

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Family birthday party. Afterwards I circulated photos of the happy time of the six of us together, to the wider family group. In response, my eldest (who had also hosted the party) wrote these freaking awesome words: ‘Dear god. When children are born after the apocalypse and go scrounging for scraps, these are the photos they’ll find. They’ll hide them under their makeshift pillows or tuck them into their belts and one day, when they’re battle-scarred teens, they will take out these photos. Huddled around the campfire, they will say in hushed voices “I found these. I don’t know who they were… but they look happy. One day I’d like to be happy like this. I like to wonder what they’re eating, and I pretend I knew them. Their names change, and sometimes that’s my sister, or my aunt, or my friends, but we’re always happy together. Sometimes when I’m having a bad day, I look at these people. I don’t think they had a single worry in the world. One day that’ll be me… that’ll be me.”‘
A SECOND DAY IN BED – yes, the ‘Stop’ continued….

So, with some reluctance and hesitation, I did stop on the Sunday, and then again on the Monday (yesterday). I realised I was looking at dodging the v clear ‘instruction’ to STOP because I didn’t want to let people down for the plans on Sunday. But I was ill! Stopping was good. My word, I’ve been so wired and active for so long. There’s been so much movement – almost weekly trips to London; in the office; out of the office. And crazy pressures galore. No wonder I was starting to balloon: sympathetic overdrive knocks my sleep and causes me to gain weight. Rest allows my body to get out of sympathetic overdrive.

I used the resting time for reading. I’m nearly at the end of the book I’ve been reading bit by bit since April, Reality Transurfing. I so enjoy it and it has been the most wonderful support in aiding me to take loving control of my thoughts, so that they bring me peace. In terms of mental health recovery, we might call this CBT or DBT. For my heart, it is like coming home. It seems that mastery of our noisy (and often ego-centric, fearful, aversion-orientated) mental thought allows our heart, our intention, our soul and our spirit to step forward and participate as equal partners in our lives. This thought mastery is the gradual work of a happy lifetime. The pages I read reminded me of some important principles:

‘use thought energy in a deliberate focused manner’ p644
‘the world is like a mirror that reflects your relationship to it’ p646
‘As long as the mind does not contradict the wishes of the heart and vice versa an unfathomable power emerges’ ibid
‘The world is always looking after you, no matter what… It is essential to learn to trust…. Say to yourself “I let my world take care of me.”‘ p653
‘Think about what you want and are striving to achieve, rather than the things you do not want or try to avoid.’ p664
‘Your attention must be focussed on the end goal as if it had already been reached.’ p674
‘Embrace any reflection [in the mirror] as positive.’ p678
‘The world always complies’ [with whatever we think of it – pos/neg] .678
Raise your energy levels and… ‘if you want your energy to work for you it is essential that you focus it in the specific direction of a goal’ p701

I know my goal, my ‘target slide’ as RT calls the vision we hold in mind of the goal complete… It’s to do with reaching peace and teaching peace, through dialogue, with individuals and groups, in person and via writing. Is it ok to share this here?

Yes. As G says, you’re signalling clearly to the universe at the moment.

Is it bold or pompous or presumptuous to talk about ‘teaching peace’?

Only if you think peace is something fancy, out-there, elevated or elite… Do you?

No. I think it’s our basic right, really. And our natural state. We just are fed so much alternative nonsense that it’s hard to get to inner peace or outer peace – to such detriment and waste of life.

Also, the ‘reaching peace’ is part of the cycle for me. It’s not like I’ve mastered any of this. But, a person who wants to become a better yoga practitioner, and serve the art, might become a yoga teacher. It’s like that. I want to learn to communicate with myself and others for peace.

I feel self-conscious now.

Allow your world to bring you what you desire. Then the next goal can come into play. These are all just passing chapters which add up to a larger book. You are describing factors for learning which are planted in you by you to come forward. You’re innocent in this process. There is no need to apologise for what is in you. Hopefully you would say the same to the next person.

Ok. Thank you. Well, let’s focus on today. I’m rested after a couple of days in bed, and my cold is much better. I worked on stopping and GoSlo-ing and ‘the Power of No’ and ‘feeling groovy’ and relational presence last week. I embedded the morning personal Housekeeping Habits quite successfully, I must say. I made big decisions about lifestyle changes for 2019. What is this week and day all about?

Safety and security.

Really?! Am I in danger?

You are in danger of omitting to take care of your basic needs. Again.

Say what?

This money business, dear soul. It ain’t going to sort itself out. And you know that clearing any financial ‘hangovers’ within the year is good energetic hygiene. Furthermore, you know that creating a pipeline of work (that you actually WANT to do) for next year, is going to give you a sense of ‘safety and security’, especially when it comes to moving house in February.

Now is the time to lay down the year’s harvest carefully. Don’t skip this stage, out of an over-willingness to oblige others’ requests for your emails / plans / attention / Christmas-cheer. Ok?

I know exactly what you mean. I get a kick out of ‘being there’ to attend to others’ needs, in the work environment particularly. But it’s not healthy. Because I do it rather than meet my own safety needs. I need to put my own oxygen mask on first.

Financial security is oxygen. What do you need to do to be / feel financially secure?

Ah… I need to tilt my prioritisation. In terms of use of time and energy.

What stops you?

‘Don’t want to be rude to others’ – rising again.

Again, the reminder: you can help others best when you have helped yourself first.

Scaredy feeling arising…

Your world will take care of you if you allow it. Take the steps you need to take to restore financial order, and the world will do the rest. Trust in this.

You said you had an aim to ‘reach peace’.

Know that reaching financial peace is a crucial part of the jigsaw puzzle.

Now, put your Special Interest: Peace through Dialogue hat on and have the conversations you need to have to allow that long-awaited Financial Peace to float in to harbour.

Right. So, this is… about having Financial Dialogues?

Excellent.

Ok. Today I am having Financial Dialogues, for my own Financial Peace.

Bingo.

Wow. Ok. These posts don’t get much more ‘transparent’ than this one…

Today I am having Financial Dialogues, for my own Financial Peace.

[MEDITATION]

Note to self: ‘Dream it to beam it’ and Meditation

I came to the realisation yesterday that ‘if you can dream it, you can beam it’ (on to the mirror of your reality). Therefore, getting regularly in to what I’d call ‘dream mode’ (trance-like, relaxed, semi-conscious state) with a goal softly in mind, is invaluable. And this is partly why we Meditate: to access dream mode with an intention held softly in mind, so that we can dream it and beam it. Without this practice, maybe we are actively choosing to stay in reactive mode.

Oprah (in an interview for Wrinkle in Time movie) said ‘I am a powerful manifester. You have to meet the vibration of that which you desire, exactly – not above or below the vibration.’ I think, in meditation, especially with good exercise, diet and sleep alongside, we get better at setting our vibration at will.

Today, I meet the vibration of she who has the financial dialogues that secure financial peace.

Second note to self: Tendril Theory by Erin Human

This comic below provided a useful observation yesterday in terms of Switch 202020 and my focus on learning to switch attention at will. It fits also with the growing ability to go into Dream Mode, or set vibration at will. It points to why my neurology allows me to deep-dive, and also struggles to change directions. I can learn better over time how to do a quick and purposeful tendril retraction… Like, now, when I’m running over my allotted Housekeeping Habits time on this post by an hour… Tendrils: In!

Thanks, Erin Human – spot on. See her article here.

Tentril Theory by Erin Human: https://erinhuman.com/2015/08/10/tendril-theory/

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):	Tuesday
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	20:
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	Til evening
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	No!
Med minutes	20 mins
Active minutes	15
Steps	5000
Food: ?
Dry?	No
Screens off	/
In bed (with books..)	…
Sleep Window	12.30 – 6.30
Hours slept (as per FitBit data next morning)	6h12m… 🙁

***********

2018-12-182018-12-18

MEDS Day 68: Today I am stopping, in accordance with my Best Interests

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Christmas shopping trip to a lovely nearby town with my G
Gospel choir gig
And the day before – getting through yet another government health/work assessment – so traumatic each time, but on my third go, I’m getting better at handing the stress of it, and saying what I need to say.
My lovely youngest coming home for Christmas – what a blessing to have both my gorgeous kids in one city again

I have a confession to make. It’s three months into my MEDS project and… I am gaining weight at about a pound a day. I feel huge and am back to about my historic heaviest. I’m overweight, exhausted and I’ve just come down with a cold. But I do know what’s going on, I think, and my decision of last weekend will help.

The decision of last weekend: Jan 1st to stop consuming carbs, alcohol and caffeine.

Why is this a crucial step in the MEDS project and for my general health? Here’s the horrible physiological cycle at play when I let alcohol into my life….:

I drink alcohol in the evening
…which dissolves my good plans for a 9pm screen curfew and a 10pm in-bed-with-books, causing me to ride past my natural melatonin window and stay up on adrenalin and cortisol (later to be woken by alcohol-related GABA alert at 3am)
…which evening alcohol also causes me to eat unwisely (carbs) late at night
… which alcohol and carb snacking disrupts my insulin / cortisol / adrenal system
… which causes me to sleep badly and wake early and wired, craving sweet coffee
… which further insulin mess-up means I’m now fatigued and also craving and feasting on carbs
… which carbs feed and pump up the candida in the gut (while also making me store fat)
… which candida gives me brain fog, and dulls my intention to self-care via meditation and exercise
… which brain fog makes me feel by evening I’ve earned a drink to stop the brain haze and unboundariedness…

I just did a BBC quiz on ‘what’s the right diet for you?‘ – it identified my eating style as ‘Feaster‘. Spot on – can’t stop once I pop – especially when it comes to feeding the candida in the gut… However, I very much doubt the low fat/high carb diet they recommend is sensible (see dietdoctor.com and The Obesity Code). But it made me remind myself of these guidelines, self-curated over the last few years, which will be really helpful for me when on 1st Jan 2019 I break the cycle mentioned above:

Feast… on veg (raw / steamed with healthy oils are very satisfying)
“Treats” are not (they destabilise my gut biome)
A bit of protein with each meal is balancing
Fast consciously (simply stop late night eating to give system reset time)
Probiotics & prebiotics each day are key
Prioritise sleep – in bed without screens by 10pm is the only way

Argh… So, this is why alcohol is a lynchpin in the making or breaking of my capacity to use the beautiful MEDS protocols. It’s 2 weeks and 2 days until New Year’s Day. May I use this time to get my heart and mind in gear.

I worked on the Power of No. That is going to be a long term project.

Far from it. You are perfectly underlining your Power to say No to alcohol. That is excellent.

Ah! I guess so. And carbs and caffeine too. That’s going to be good. It is good!

You are indeed looking out for your own Best Interests. That is good practice indeed.

Ty. I’m so tired today. Another very late and broken night. Heavy cold too. My FitBit tells me my average daily sleep this week is a pretty appalling 6h5mins…

Best Interests.

I also need to give love and presence to my youngest who is back home, and whom I just jarred with over her not being able to hear me out on the landing. She’s deaf…. Come on.

In meeting your Best Interests you are better placed to meet hers too.

Speak plainly please.

Get some rest, woman. Stop. Slow down. Stop.

I’ve got a day of activity planned.

STOP. Whether you ‘feel’ like it or not. No one wants your cold, your exhaustion or your frayed nerves… You care about your ballooning weight so let that be the incentive: running on cortisol puts your body out of sync with itself and it goes into panic mode and stores more and more fat. Ok?

Yoga Nidra.

If you like.

“Yoga nidra or yogic sleep is a state of consciousness between waking and sleeping, like the “going-to-sleep” stage. It is a state in which the body is completely relaxed, and the practitioner becomes systematically and increasingly aware of the inner world by following a set of verbal instructions.” (Wikipedia)

Whatever it takes to stop-even-though-it-hurts-to-do-so…. Whatever it takes to ensure you get a good nap today… Whatever it takes to break the cycle of 6 hours sleep a night. This is what we mean by living according to your Best Interests

Today I am stopping, in accordance with my Best Interests.

***********

2018-12-162018-12-16

MEDS Day 67: Today I am learning The Power of No

Steve-Jobs-Quote-Innovation-is-saying-no-to-1-000-things

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Trip to London with a friend and colleague to spend the afternoon with other friends and colleagues
The opportunity to practise the ‘folded arms’ concept – especially when others are on their own roll. Yes. I like it. I realise how much I’ve tended to gush energy by being (purposely, but maybe mistakenly) always ‘open’. I quickly realised that, for a woman, this folded arms gesture leaves you cradling your breasts, rather like a ‘babe in arms’! It’s actually quite a comforting, and self-nurturing experience, especially with the consciousness of the heart being held in the centre.
Sense of confusion about ‘what next?’… and some clarifying exchanges with G. about one’s own aim, intention… and that which can only be created uniquely through each person, if/as they keep to their own aims…

So today. My lovely youngest comes home for several weeks, for the first time since the end of Sept – three months! We’d only ever been separated for up to two weeks before then. It will be gorgeous to have her home.

I woke at 4.15am today. There’s a lot in my heart. I read Reality Transurfing this morning. Nicely it corroborated some of the thinking last night…

“Do not ask, do not demand, do not struggle, just create. Shape your own reality with the help of conscious intention.”Reality Transurfing p640

“What does this mean for me today?”, she asked with her arms thoughtfully cradling her bosom.

It’s time to think about The Power of No.

Ha. I see what you did. 🙂 … Hm. This topic…. Yikes.

What did Steve Jobs say?

“People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on. But that’s not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are. You have to pick carefully. I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things I have done. Innovation is saying “no” to 1,000 things.” Steve Jobs

And how does this relate to you?

I think it comes down to that ‘conscious intention’ aspect from the RT quote above: ‘shape your reality with the help of conscious intention’. When we step out to create, I believe it often creates a whirlpool of attracted forces, some relevant and some really not – and it fact some of those irrelevant forces are specifically antagonistic in nature, as if testing our tenacity and commitment to that stated intention. These and others are the 1000 things we have to say no to.

And what is the advantage of folding our arms gently, slowing down, getting into a state of relational presence and saying a warm, deep ‘no’?

Truthfulness? Authenticity? Alignment! We get aligned more closely with our actually intention.

If a person’s stated conscious intention was to teach peace through dialogue, what might she need to say no to?

Any thing that wasn’t that?

That’s useful, yes. But there’s something else. What are those Four Tendencies?

Ah! She might have to say ‘no’ to her internal Obliger…!

Right. So this is an important point. It’s tiring to say no to 1000 things, when the Internal Obliger is saying ‘yip, yep, yup’ to everything arising. Easier for you to speak to your Internal Obliger directly first and bring her into agreement with your intention.

Hi dear Obliger-within-Me. Can we work together on this intention? Why do you say yes to e v e r y t h i n g?

Internal Obliger: Saying no seems rude!

Aah. Can we get ok with being rude? What would that take?

Internal Obliger: Certainty that the alternative was worthwhile and sensible.

Ok… How can we convince ourselves that ‘being rude’ is worthwhile and sensible?

Internal Obliger: I am open to the notion that saying yes to things we can’t fulfil properly or in a timely fashion is also rude.

Ah, excellent. So how about if we do a measure on incoming things like this:

Do I want to do it? Y/N – If no – aim to say so, because I’m unlikely to do something well and unwillingly, which would be rude.
Can I do it, well and in time? Y/N ie Have I got capacity to fulfil the request properly and in a timely fashion? (And doing it at expense to health is not acceptable) If no, say so.

There’s a third aspect here. It’s about saying Y/N to unpaid and low paid work. Why do you/we keep doing that? Why do we fall for the promise of ‘jam tomorrow’ (as G says) so often?

Internal Obliger: To be good enough. To seek permission.

As RT says: “Do not ask, do not demand, do not struggle, just create.” Can you help me do that?

Internal Obliger: Well why don’t you try activating your Internal Questioner, rather than bothering me, who is just doing her job nicely?

Ok. Good plan.

Internal Questioner: What do you want?

I want some help meeting my own expectations more, and others’ less.

Internal Questioner: Well why didn’t you ask earlier?

I really don’t know… You are full of questions!

Internal Questioner: What did you expect?

Ha! Ok. So I have a question for you. How will you help me meet my inner expectations?

Internal Questioner: How will you stop meeting others’ expectations first? When will you stop resisting your own expectations? When will you start asking yourself: “Is this in my best interests? What is in my best interest? What are my best interests?”

That’s helpful. I can take a more questioning approach. I can ask myself about my best interests… Ty.

I’m so tired now. This has been quite long and convoluted, though very helpful and relevant. Can we conclude?

“Today I am considering my best interests” would be a good start.

Makes me feel sad for some reason.

Because you think it’s too late to start thinking about this – that you’ve missed a trick, or the boat. No, now is the perfect time. And no, it’s not selfish. It’s fundamental to self-care, self-preservation, and self-determination. If you want others to look after you, dodge the opportunity to put your best interests first. If you want to be strong and self-determining, start to put your best interests first. It’d be rude not to, right? So…

Fold your arms self-nurturingly, go slowly in that state of ‘feeling groovy’ and ask yourself: “Do I want to do it? Can I do it? What is in my best interests here?” And then take the blessing of Steve Jobs and the angels of heaven and, wherever needed, calmly say “No”. Anticipate many more ‘nos’ than ever before. Breathe deeply of the clean air that floods into that freshly vacated space.

Today I am learning the Power of No: saying ‘no’ to that which does not serve my inner intentions and expectations

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	20:0:0
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	Til the evening
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	nope
Med minutes	20
Active minutes	0
Steps	7828
Food: Coffee, raw veg, cooked veg, cottage pie, G&T
Dry?	nope
Screens off	/
In bed (with books..)	12.30
Sleep Window	12.38 – 7.29
Hours slept (as per FitBit data next morning)	5h48m

***********

2018-12-142018-12-14

MEDS Day 66: Today I am taking my ‘folded arms’ out into the world

Feelin Groovy - Garkfunkel's arms folded

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Housekeeping Habits morning – even if I didn’t keep exactly to time, and I ditched the all important Download Hour. Good to be embedding those habits, in the same order…
Productive and collegiate work
Co-coaching session (aka Power Hour) with my gorgeous daughter at our shared office – what a great and wise coach she is.
Evening out with my Love and discussing what matters in our comms – so helpful for me
An evening of Christmas Skiffle with friends

Feelin’ Groovy with the GoSlo = so good. I’m only just touching the edges of it. Would like to repeat the practice today, as I’ve got a meeting in London. I thought often of the moment in the Central Park video (see yesterday) where Garfunkel kind of, stops seizing the mic, and holds his arms to his chest by his elbows, in the spirit of the song… I know that look is said to be ‘closed’ in body language terms, but I think it looked actually very open, receptive – like, “I’m not driving things here. Hello Lampost, whatcha knowin’…?” He’s allowing life to come to him…

Aha… “He’s allowing life to come to him.” What would it look like for you to allow life to come to you?

Great question. The word that arises is ‘perilous’ – which says a whole lot I think!!

Let’s explore an important area for you at the moment. You’re baffled that, with all this MEDS focus, your weight is going up. What if we told you that your ‘pushing at life’ was adding to this weight increase? What if we reminded you that late nights are the most significant factor in your body’s recovery cycle – and that staying up late plays havoc with your insulin / adrenaline / cortisol, and that that is why you are gaining weight? Hey, we have no problem with your beautiful body, but we know you are baffled and concerned by your weight gain, and it links with the GoSlo…

How does it link with the GoSlo?

Simply put, if you spent more of your day with your ‘arms folded’ like dear Art Garfunkel, receptive and allowing life to come to you, then come night time you would be able to ‘stop the day’ at will, at the time that worked for you, and embark on the healing sleep that keeps you well. ‘Allowing life to come to you’ in this way is not by any means being passive, unboundaried… It is the opposite, in fact. Garfunkel’s folded (not ‘crossed’ – one arms rests against his chest, the other on top) arms are:

1) a sign of his open watchfulness – he’s observing the world in a state of relational presence (hello lamppost); he’s not placing executive action upon the world (no ‘doing’ stuff with his hands); he’s listening as much as singing

2) a sign of his boundariedness – he’s watching but not getting swept up or along; he’s not open-armed to all… He’s equanimous, circumspect, grounded, solid in himself.

Take your ‘folded arms’ out into the world today, with your GoSlo and it’s ‘feelin’ groovy’ alert tune. See what happens when you watch a little more… and let life come to you for your equanimous consideration…

Beautiful. Useful. Tangible, kinesthetic stuff today. Thank you. I really will.

Today I am taking my ‘folded arms’ out into the world.

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	10:0:1
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	Somewhat… (travelling)
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	Nope
Med minutes	10
Active minutes	10
Steps	7900
Food: Coffee&cream (no honey: good!); muesli; whole cucumber; GF muffins; salad&bread&cottagepie&cake; Leon chickensatay&salad(left the rice); G&T
Dry?	Nope… not at all 🙁
Screens off	10.40pm
In bed (with books..)	10.40pm – no books
Sleep Window	10.43 – 4.15ish
Hours slept (as per next morning)	5h29m

***********

2018-12-13

MEDS Day 66: Today I am feeling groovy

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Important dialogue session – v blessed to be present to two people bringing their love and wisdom to bear in order to work out how to live well together with extraordinarily challenging life circumstances.
Good work done. Feeling more orderly and productive than in a long time (ever?)
Support of my Love – what conversations we have!
Attending the Christmas party of one of my most cherished clients.
Going slowly… a bit

How can I get the GoSlo to really work..?

You’ve got to do the singing of the alert music when you sense the GoSlo Speed Camera flashing… Aloud!

Ha! Excellent. Singing Feelin’ Groovy. I love that song – and yes, it is one of the theme tunes of my life. I had the lyrics stuck on my door as the last thing I saw going out, in… 2007… to remind me to ‘Slow down…’ Guess, I’ll learn the words again…. 🙂

“The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy)” by Simon & Garfunkel

Slow down, you move too fast
You got to make the morning last
Just kicking down the cobblestones
Looking for fun and feelin’ groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feelin’ groovy

Hello, lamppost, what’cha knowin’?
I’ve come to watch your flowers growin’
Ain’t’cha got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in doo-doo, feelin’ groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feelin’ groovy

I got no deeds to do
No promises to keep
I’m dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me
Life, I love you
All is groovy

Ok, that’s good. I like that. So, anything else?

A note to say: this slowing down will percolate in. Give yourself time to learn; introduce abundant self-compassion, self-kindness, much encouragement… You are destined to ‘get’ this thing!

Remind me… Why is it so important to learn to slow down?

Presence. So you can bring relational presence to your interactions. So you can be present to others. So you can bring yourself, your whole self, to the party of life. So you can go about ‘feeling groovy’.

What is the meaning of ‘groovy’, actually?

In the groove, of life. In flow. In the zone. In one’s correct, best place and space. With mojo. Going with what is, without resistance, hesitation, deviation… Practise today, especially as you find yourself singing aloud whenever you trigger your GoSlo off, the art of feeling groovy.

Really? “Today I am feeling groovy.” Ugh… {cringe?}

Let it be what it is meant to be. Don’t add or detract. Try the phrase. Let it do it’s thing for you. Remember, this is not about ‘being cool’, it’s about developing the capacity for relational presence. Now, that’s groovy.

Ok… Will do. Ty.

Today I am feeling groovy.

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	2:0:2
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	Yes, until eve
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	Nope… night out
Med minutes	2
Active minutes	27m
Steps	9194
Food: Coffee&cream; broccoli&lentils&mayo; Evening:naked burger (yes, no bread, good), sweetpotatofries; two ciders; diet coke
Dry?	Nope.
Screens off	12.30… :///
In bed (with books..)	12.30 – 7.32am
Hours slept (as per next morning)	6h33m

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2018-12-122018-12-12

MEDS Day 65: Today I am forming the habit of going slowly

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Amazing focus on forming good habits
Decision to see what happens when I give myself up to all the ‘boring’ things that need to be done on a daily basis to keep myself healthy and well.
The realisation that ideally I need to spend FIVE hours a day on personal housekeeping habits, to retain balance and wellbeing.
A return to the idea that I keep mornings for the internal work and open afternoons up for meetings / appointments.
Hence: 7am – 12 noon would normally be scheduled for Housekeeping Habits, of which there are about 7… I’ll add them tomorrow.
This morning I have an early start, so I am simply concertina-ing down those Habits – but, importantly, touching on them all, to embed the step from one to the next.

What would you have me know, be, do or say today, dear wisdom of my being?

Go slow…

Golly. One day that will stop arising…!

Form the habit of going slowly.

Like G goes slowly from room to room..?

Indeed. This week is about habit-forming. Today’s habit is that of going slowly, which also of course means starting-in-good-time, so you can approach each new task and event slowly and without haste, speed, rush, panic – for your own health but also so that when you meet people you are able to touch them with an energy of peace.

Versus touching them with the electric shock of fluster and force?

Exactamundo.

Yes. I hear you. Good advice. Thank you. I shall don my GoSlo…! Ha I quite like that – like a GoPro-style speed camera on the head, that observes one’s speed and let’s you know when you are speeding (internally or externally). I guess the FitBit does that too with the heart rate indicator… But yes, I shall self-observe with my imagined personal GoSlo. Nice

Today I am forming the habit of going slowly.

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	2:0:1 – early start
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	yes, til eve
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	Nope… 12.30pm
Med minutes	2
Active minutes	14
Steps	8475
Food: Coffee&cream; muesli&blueberries; lentils&broccoli; ChristmasPartyPorkBelly&ChristmasPudding… 3 glasses of white wine
Dry?	No – 3 x wine
Screens off	12.30pm
In bed (with books..)	Slept 12.30 – 7.27
Hours slept (as per next morning)	6h18m

***********

2018-12-112018-12-12

MEDS Day 64: Today I am forming simple good habits. Amen.

I am grateful for the events of the last four days:

2 day conference in London on embedding best practices in workplace mental health – I learnt a great deal and met good people
Staying with my gorgeous sister and brother in law
Seeing my sister singing/reading at her beautiful Christmas choral concert
Having a bit of an emotional meltdown after the conf… slinging some mud across my own parapet… and being met with immense wisdom and generosity of spirit and mind even though I had caused hurt and pain by lashing out…
Dialogues that sort out concerns, worries and dilemmas about big future changes… Talking is powerful/clarifying/bonding and we are learning together so well. I am blessed by the wisdom, care, fortitude of this person. <3
Good decisions about future habits – decision to go dry on 1st Jan 2019 again – up to late Nov 2019 and do ‘Damp December 2019’ (as I did in Dec 2017, only Dry Jan 2018 never flew…with serious consequences to health/weight/self-regulation.) MEDS Project has tried to address this but I really am an abstinence-rather-than-‘moderation’ kinda gal. And G is on board too – wow, awesome.
So, on 1st Jan 2019, I will be stopping Carbs, Alcohol, Caffeine (“CAC” – sounds about right 🙂 …) Deep breath. This is perfectly possible.
Returning home from London to a hand-delivered from my estate agent ‘notice seeking possession’ of the house in Feb 19 – I’m moving whether I like it not now… Good. There is a beautiful future ahead.
Brilliant house-sorting and clearing – ready for moving house. Incredibly generous support (and elbow-grease) from my Love. Thank you, darling.

Hello, dear part of me which knows and guides. How is all this sounding?

You know what you’re doing. You’re looking to the future.

I am! How can I clean and clear the decks more effectively, softly, wholly? I know the future must be… as simple as possible. No more proliferation. No more piles of paper and plans. I only need one flavour of jam on my stall, as G says.

Habits. You’ve worked on the topic of ‘habits’ over the last few days. Know that you are indeed laying down good habits. Trust in them. Allow the power of ‘automation’ to kick in.

Yes, it’s true. eg I now go into the kitchen each morning and start by emptying/filling machines while the kettle is boiling – so now keeping on top of laundry and washing up is automated. Similarly, when I get back into bed with my coffee, I pull out my laptop for writing – the rhythm is automated. I can see that I can do more of this – especially if I guard my time better by, for example, only scheduling meetings in the afternoon, so I can get the maximum benefit out of a routinised, automated morning…

Bit by bit, every day. Hence Download Hour (20m Meditation | 20m Trot | 20m Qigong)… Just habitualise it. It’ll change your life.

And maybe after Download Hour (and shower) I would ‘habitually’ do my Yesterbox (emails of yesterday)…?

Indeed. Maybe… This is about reducing the impulse to attain dopamine by constantly creating newness and bubbles of spontaneity which appear to ‘rock your world’ but actually just rock your boat. It’s about prioritising keeping the ANS in a peaceful state. It’s about shedding the idea that repetition is boring… and understanding that well-chosen habits, repeated again and again, unlock the door to your deepest dreams.

Oof. Nice! Ok. Thank you. I know my ego and my inner child seek newness for stimulation. My inner monk is good with repetition though… I’ll let this sink in. Time for Download Hour. Ty for this.

As ever – go gently. Nudge gently forward. Smooth sweeps. Deep breaths. Calmly as she goes… Today you are forming the habits for the rest of your life, a life well-lived ‘in purpose’. Let these habits get laid down in your neural pathways so that they may support you to do the simple (‘one flavour of jam’) work you would like to do. Rest in what you know works for your aims. Let simplicity be your guide whenever habit-making is at hand.

Today I am forming simple good habits. Amen.

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	YES!
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	YES!
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	Nearly..
Med minutes: Honest Guys 5/5	20
Active minutes	26
Steps	6809
Food: Muesli; coffee&cream; tea; cabbage&sweetpotato; fishpie&greens; choc; late night olives and halloumi and G&T
Dry?	Nope
Screens off	11
In bed (with books..)	11
Hours slept (as per next morning)	6h23

***********

2018-12-10

MEDS Day 63: Today I am looking to the future

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Friends and friendship
Good work
Coworking space
Colleagues
Learning
Time with my beautiful eldest and my Love
Choir

I’m running late to go to London for a conference…

Today, look to the future

Cool. Ok. Yes. Makes sense. I’m getting a warm feeling about the future… 🙂

Today I am looking to the future.