Woke up this morning from awful nightmares: monsters, robots, US Civil War soldiers, men in suits… flooding into the garden, and eventually invading the house. I’d just used up my phone battery videoing the invaders through the sitting room window. Help! Suddenly, I and others were being kidnapped, but I decided I didn’t want to go on this next journey with a full bladder so I dashed to the loo (the sensible woman’s prerogative), and then had a long tussle with a kidnapper as I tried to lock myself in to the loo and he pushed at the door…. realising that even if I did succeed in shutting the door, I was now cornered and separated from my loved ones. But at least… I wouldn’t need the loo. :/
So, lying in bed at 5.30am, anxiety now burbling through my body, I decided to turn to my Emotional Body and ask what it was feeling? The key feelings of Fear? Anger? Grief?
And my Emo Body said to me: All of those. Especial tenderness of Fear and Grief following my call with my Dad yesterday. Dad explained to me he seems to have an as yet undiagnosed condition. We thought we knew what it is, but he’s now being referred for further tests. I won’t go into detail here, but I felt… for the first time… that I should brace myself for the next phase. Then on the phone call, instead of hanging up, moving to Zoom and doing our video recording of his lecture, he kinda filibustered me for an entire hour, talking about what he’d like to talk about, before declaring himself rung out, and calling off! So, the filibustering normally dismays and infuriates me, but this time (#StrongBoundaries) I just quietly got on with tidying my office and doing a few emails while he spoke for a bit – “Hm…ah… uhuh…” being all he actually needs/wants from me. Then, gently reminding myself that these regular filibustering conversations won’t last forever, and are actually the golden thread of my lifetime relationship with my Dad, I clambered into the bed in my office and lay there with my eyes closed, just letting his voice ebb and flow through my heart; being present to the presence of this man who has accompanied me through my life, giving of himself to me, the very best he could, every single day of my life. It was a very precious time.
{And after, I leapt up and nailed the heck out of the Report which had had me awake at 5-ish with a near panic attack that morning.}
Back to lying in bed this morning. So having thought about the impact of yesterday’s call with Dad, I then said, “Ok Emotional Body, I hear you – tender stuff. And what about your feeling of this present moment?”
And my Emo Body said to me: Fuck waiting. Fuck that shit!
Excuse me… Is this about waiting to ‘come out’ with our creative work. Like Dad…?
And my Emo Body said to me: Are you kidding? Your father created an international radio empire, and sold his video business for £1m+! He was a broadcaster on national TV and radio!
Shucks, man. You’re right… This narrative about him I’ve developed…?!
And my Emo Body said to me: Finish AT.com, and set up SoD… to sell. Btw, SoD => #AdvancedInterpersonalCommunication
And with that, I was almost propelled out of bed. I made coffee. Here I am.
Excellent. Let’s pause and go in.
**** Reading Alchemy of the Heart, Michael Brown****
Holy moley, MB spitting truths on an epic level today…!!! And so in line with our current project on creativity! Just amazing! Ty, MB!
‘As a species, we have trodden our way wearily through the world of manufacturing and have now arrived at the doorway to the consciousness of creativity. Whereas manufacture is the art of manipulating and adjusting the exterior, creativity is the art of mastering the interior.
At this new frontier, manufacture is ineffectual. Within the unfolding paradigm of authentic creativity, a collective impact on our experience can only be accomplished through the integrity of precisely focused individual activity – through the diamond integrity of personal responsibility.
Our current confusion arises out of standing with one foot in each of these worlds. We are still trying to do mentally and physically what only the heart can accomplish. We are still trying to do collectively what can only be accomplished individually.
We are still trying to feel better, when we are now being asked to get better at feeling.’ (Alchemy of the Heart, Michael Brown p93)
BOOM! YES! This is why…:
- I can’t work in/for the corporate world – despite years of trying!
- I needed to develop sovereignty and to work, first in partnership with others to gain confidence, and now solo
- I am seeing that it’s not just about manufacturing what others’ ask, but about bringing my own creativity to bear (SoD and H2D)
- I see an epidemic of poor mental health in the corporations I run sessions for
- I see small businesses / solopreneurs popping up everywhere, especially amongst the young Gen Z crew (on IG) as they take personal responsibility for their own destiny…
- Meanwhile the Millennials, the last bastion of the corporate-dependent rat race, pump out memes and reels about ‘Millennial corporate anxiety’… poor angels! They are are still trying to feel better
And so importantly, this independent solopreneur path demands we do something amazing: we are now being asked to get better at feeling
And yes! Isn’t it the case that when I listen to my emotional body, and to my inner wisdom and my creative impulses, I have the perfect, complete and flawless roadmap for my life?!
So today…?
Keep checking in on the Emotional Body. Keep learning from its emotions, keep integrating what is there. (Breathe). You can also tap in by saying, “Is it fear? anger? grief?” and take it from there. You have a genie in a bottle right there in your feeling system. Use it (or lose its value). You have the opportunity to heal – no, tidy up – your emotional signature. That alone will reset your compass. What fun!
Bless you. thank you. May I have direct contact with my Emo Body all day. May I get better at feeling… and trust my feelings to guide and orientate me, all day long. May I recognise the power of precisely focused individual activity – through the diamond integrity of personal responsibility. And may I learn how my feeling body can help me accomplish this activity. May I trust my feelings all day long.
I am trusting my feelings