Last night, reading the Focusing book, I was working through some of the questions to put to the body to ‘open up the vast space’ of the body. One of the later questions was to enquire about the body’s background ‘always’ state – like ‘always tired’ or ‘always waiting for others’. I asked my body what its always state was and it replied immediately and with ringing clarity:
“Always tense.”
Aha… Well that’s useful information, but also disconcerting… ‘Always tense’ can not be good for my body or for my loved ones or for my clients or for my self. Can you help me open this topic up a little?
You could follow the Focusing protocol..
Ok… I’ll take the briefest notes of what I hear internally as I go.
- Always tense
- Always ferociously tense
- Always ferociously attached
- Always ferociously attached to outcome
- As if grasping the outcome by the collars and squaring up to it.
Isn’t this what they pay me for? To get the right outcome?
- The magic is in the unplanned, co-created outcome.
- Can you be more playful? More trusting? More curious towards the new?
Do you mean ‘less controlling’?
- More playful, trusting, curious towards the new.
Let God In vs Edge God Out (Ego)? Attachment to outcome arises from fear arises from ego, right?
- If God is creation, source, fresh reality in time… then yes, ‘let God in’. The question is: Can you trust that all that arises is perfect? Because if you can, then you really can relax – and let that tense feeling go. If on the other hand ‘But what if..?’ drives your choices and your decisions, then you are more likely to be held in tension. Your field of options is so very much narrower.
But I have to bring wisdom, discernment and intention! I can’t just turn up at a job and not hold the rudder in my hand!
- Absolutely! But can you let the people you are with play with setting the direction and the course of travel? Can you let them choose the destination?
Ah, interesting. I suppose in the training I’m doing today (for university lecturers) there are a couple of options in terms of outcome:
-
-
- A) Everyone learns my content and arrives at my conclusions / learning outcomes and off I sally into the sunset (my usual single aim)
- B) I bring some concepts, info and #TOOLS, and then some group consultation is done, facilitated by my asking some enquiring questions of the team, and the team comes to its own conclusions – which it is more likely to own, use and enjoy.
-
The bottom line is for me to turn up at these events saying: I have some pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and you have the others. I can’t wait to see what you bring.
Beautiful.
I feel a shift in me. A little bit more relaxed. Less like I have to DO everything, and be responsible for EVERYTHING.
Remember how most of your best teaching arose from one simple stimulus and then stepping back to let the class be creative. Welcome back to this concept, and to trusting, trusting, trusting in the ‘outcome arising’, and to watching out for and warmly WELCOMING what the next person Brings to the Party. Leaving space for the next person to contribute what is in them is the key to relaxing in to trust.
I am one part of the jigsaw puzzle, and so are you and you and you. No one has to be in charge or control. We are co-creating together.
Body, what phrase sums all this up in the best way for you to feel less ‘always tense’ and more ‘always relaxed’?
- Wait to see what others bring to the party
Spot on.
Wait to see what others bring to the party
*******
Man, this concept has been helpful. I’ve been feeling much less …urgent!! And therefore less tense. I’m more … watching, observing, receiving.
Also, I had this passing and so-significant thought one evening: ‘I don’t have to look after anyone‘. And I felt it in my body as a relaxing, down regulating gear change. This, I quickly noticed, was massive for me. It shows that the weight (carried since I was 21) of parenthood and ‘responsibility for looking after others’ is shifting. I hadn’t realised I’d been carrying it still, like Mother Courage without her children.
Also, it indicates to me that I am adjusting at last to my beautiful children growing up -and that the old grief around that has subsided? Things are in their natural state, and my children are independent. Whereas this felt like a bewildering blow for a while, suddenly, this week, in working on ‘always tense’, my children’s growing-up and becoming wondrously self-sufficient felt – I could glimpse it – like a reward for my parenting. It makes me very tender to say these things.
Love, love, love to you precious girls. May all blessings be upon you both and all that you do. Parenting you both has been the privilege and blessing of my lifetime. And now, we can all step into the next phase of this wonderful life, as three adults. Oh, my heart…
Let’s see what we each have to bring to the party. We’re all captains of our own ships now. How exciting.
*******
Last night I went to mid-winter gathering of some dozen truly magical women at a dear friend’s home. It was a ‘vegetarian bring and share’. Of course, that which everyone brought to the party made for the most amazing feast in which everything complemented everything and there was a perfect mix of savoury and puddings. If the host had tried to co-ordinate or direct us, it wouldn’t have been so easeful for her or for the guests… but the point is, she didn’t need to! Amen