Yesterday, I reached 24 years of motherhood. What a gift and what an astonishing couple of woman I am blessed to share my life with. They are truly thriving. I was fortunate enough to be able to see Lucia for her birthday, both on a Fockers Zoom (with Ayari and Ana) and also in person, for a Covid compliant walk. Precious times. <3
My copy of Deb Dana’s book arrived yesterday:
I have good work to do on polyvagal safety. I woke at 4.45am this morning, and the anxiety and adrenal-pumping through my adrenals were too much. Eventually, to spare my kidneys, I got up at 5.30am and came down.
I know these are unprecedented times etc, and we’re all stuck indoors, and my work is testing… but I’m bored of the anxiety and its toll on my body. I’m tired of its toll on my creativity too.
Ah, the Complexity Problem…
Ha. Darn right. ONE JAM here I come! How To Dialogue is my One Jam, and I’m going to own it. Like John-Speaking-In-Front… He does ONE thing at a time. Normally, it’s his 2 Day Public Speaking Course. During the pandemic, it’s 1 Hour Coaching Sessions. That’s it. The inner discipline – or wisdom – it must take not to try to ‘diversify’ to meet the desire/need for income… Trust? Faith? Focus?
Let’s read… [Alchemy of the Heart by Michael Brown]
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Ok, this is important:
“Felt-Perception: The reason we perceive the world as inanimate – as solid and lifeless – is that by the time we are adults, we are physically trance fixed. We are physically trance fixed because our heart awareness is shut down. Heart awareness is felt-perception. Felt-perception is the ability to feel the consequences of our thoughts, words and deeds even before we put them into play. When we function from the capacity of felt-perception and we intend to hurt someone, we feel hurt before even acting on the this intent.” AOTH p30
Like the empath, or the sensitive – feeling the other’s distress.
(NB As Chris Voss says, don’t feel their distress – label it.)
This is the thing. Some of the work I’m doing, I know it’s not high vibration. I know it’ll occasionally leave people feeling deflated, scared, worried or incomplete – less connected to themselves rather than more. It’s occasionally fetishing mental ill-health. It’s occasionally disempowering people. It’s making money out of sadness. It’s coming largely from the Head space, rather than the Heart – which is fine, as it’s a start, and at least it’s practical. It attracts people who want to help and care. But my felt-perception says of this work: ‘something’s off’.
Not so How To Dialogue, I believe. This is the work of my Heart.
So maybe I’ll feel less heart anguish and anxiety and internal distress when I move right into the work of my Heart.
Speak to me?
After some accumulating of PMAwareness, dear soul. Go in.
***12minMed***
What is my best guidance now?
To relax, dear soul. Truly, to relax. You are in a pandemic. Anything that any of you achieve at the moment is a bonus, of which you should all be rightly proud. Your achievements are miracles.
Ok full disclosure: I feel sad because I was grotty to G in the night bcs of his snorkling, and he had to move next door. I feel low because it’s a MHFA course today, and I’m worried I’m out of adrenaline already, or that I can’t afford to spare more.
And can you bring consummate compassion to yourself for those difficulties? Can you remind yourself that your sadness for the people affected by Covid at the moment needs-must take up space in your Heart each day, leaving you less room for the day-to-day concerns..?
But how do I settle? Where is the hope?
Remember your safety anchors?
Yes. I noted some after the last Dialogue. Largely around routine.
My Ventral Vagal Safety Anchors:
- “Dressed by nine (AM), everything’s fine.”
- “Screens off by nine (PM), everything’s fine.”
- Day Book with Needs and Feelings
- BIC (Bookings / Inbox / Creative) each day
- Use of Stars in Gmail to code my inbox against BIC
- DecksF@st at 9am to feel ready.
Good. And what are you NEEDING today? What would make life more WONDERFUL?
No trainings? Back to bed? A trip out of a KFC? A large drink….?
Let’s try again. What NEED is not being fulfilled for you at this point in your week? How is this unmet NEED making you FEEL?
I suspect I need movement… care… momentum… vitality… FUN/PLAYFULNESS (so hard in lockdown…. there’s so little variety)… the feel of someone’s warmth and connection that is not through a screen (in work)…? I don’t know! I’m feeling… RATTLED! Upset. Indifferent. Tired. Resentful. Frazzled. And… all I’m being asked to do is stay at home and earn money…
Your wanderlust is an important factor at play. You’re needing to look forward, aren’t you? We feel confident that if you press on with the SoD work you will open up the doors you seek for travel and adventure, discovery and a sense of the wider world. You are safe, you are held, your loved ones are safe and well too. Hold yourself tenderly, dear soul. Remember your qigong is there to CALM your ANS too.
Ty. And today’s message?
Use today to create your tomorrow. Keep the vision clear. Walk towards it. One step every day. One step every day.
Is this how I should best use the Wall Calendar?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Creative Impulse: Rip up the idea of using the wall calendar for bookings. Just use it for noting ‘Creative’ steps – ie steps towards the SoD.
Amen.
Ty. xx
I am taking daily steps to achieve my vision
I am using today to create my tomorrow
I am grateful that today I can create my tomorrow…. I have the strength. The time. The energy.
I am grateful that today I can create my tomorrow