The journey begins.
I have now had two days – amongst extremely intense work – to begin to absorb the news of Dad’s diagnosis. In a sense the demanding work was a helpful distraction, but on the other hand, here now in the peaceful lagoon of a Saturday morning, I barely dare start to unwind the shield of busyness to peep under the bonnet of my aching heart.
I need your help…
We are right here, always and forever. Abidingly.
How do I know?
Does it matter whether you can truly know?
Not really… The benefit I am blessed with in these dialogues is all that really matters.
Even if you were ‘making it all up’, are these dialogues not a sign of how marvellously wise, resilient and self-compassionate your mind really is? Does not that matter more than anything else?
Yes, exactly so.
So to your question, your request. What help do you need, sweet being of light?
I need your helping orientating myself. I would like to anchor myself so that I know where I am at emotionally, so that my healing, grieving, aching part can be chugging along like a Roomba doing its work in the background, and so that thereby, I might become, in ASV’s words, emotionally available to those who need my presence and support now – primarily Dad. LV beautifully described this process yesterday, and raised how good relational boundaries allow us to take care of our healing in one arena, while being able to connect with the person in another.
We think you have some good answers there.
Yes, my brilliant daughters….
Establish good relational boundaries; become emotionally available where desired.
It’s true that I feel swept over with…
Wait. It’s alright. Slow down… You were heading in the right direction. Don’t turn back and swim upstream. You have downloaded something important here, with the help of your beautiful, precious girls.
I love them so…
And they love you.
The missive you have brought to yourself is clear: establish boundaries; then offer support. It’s just like the philosophy you teach in your mental health training: put your own oxygen mask on first.
Yesterday, so helped you God, you finally hired a VA. Hooray! Congratulations. This is to be MUCH applauded.
Really?
Of course it is! This has been needed by you for YEARS! You will flourish under the support of a professional administrator. Does that make sense to you?
When E. mentioned that, after school, she had spent a year at secretarial college, I nearly wept… Those skills… Oh my word. I do feel fortunate to have found her.
And you have other skills, which are needed. Ok?
Yes. E. will give me elbow room… How am I working so hard and earning so little… (relatively… and don’t get me wrong, compared to 2 years ago, I am RICH now…! And debt-free!)? But for the last 2 years, my income before tax/NI has been £22k. My turnover 40-50k, but at £22k my actual drawings as income would match the salary of a first job after uni/school. £22,000 a year is equivalent to £10.58 per hour. What’s happening?
You’re selling your time.
Not products. Or other people’s time…….
With the SoD you will sell:
- Your expertise
- Your products
- Your associates’ time
Taking a VA is an excellent step towards developing the professional boundaries required to make your shift from workhorse to business developer.
Your next step is to think about the additional boundaries you need to put in place to be emotionally available to your father in the way you would wish. In the way he was to his mother too, perhaps…
My father went to visit my grandmother almost every evening, for years and years… and not fleetingly waving and shooting off, but gracefully, for a conversation and a sherry. He truly honoured her.
There is much to be said for routines.
YES. And this area is my forte – a special interest. And something I’ve been building up over this last year.. but only around my own sweet self. I can apply the same to my precious relations…. Routines, emotional availability and health-giving boundaries go hand in hand. You set a routine in agreement with someone, and that does the work of affirmatively holding boundaries for you both.
eg. I’ve got roughly a monthly call with Eliza. Brilliant.
Now that we can use Zoom, we don’t need to GO anywhere, and it’s easier to place markers in the diary to connect with people on a regular basis.
You will feel much more settled with your beloved father if and as you have routines in place.
Like Mum had her Sunday evening call with her parents.
And you have your Sunday evening Zoom with yours.
So, I need to check in with Dad and J – what do they want in terms of rhythms…?
- Sunday Zooms – weekly or fortnightly? Special guests? Surprise, or not?
- First of the month = Foster-Tresilian
- Second/fourth of the month = Tresilians
- Third of the month = Special guests
- AT/NT working zooms (with L&A too on special occasions) – Wednesdays @4pm-5pm
Relational routines = boundaries, emotional availability, guilt-free, connected, regulating…
I am developing relational routines