That last session was beautiful. And, heavens, when I powered up on love emanation as I sat down to write difficult emails, it transformed the nature of my emailing: lighter, faster, more poised… because the role of the email was to convey love, nothing else!
Now I am away in Wales on a truly beautiful few days away with my Beloved. It’s idyllic here. We’ve hired a tiny cottage, and found it to be sited on the grounds of a ruined 12th century abbey with a glacial lake reaching out behind it. Yesterday, we sat next to the lake under the shade of some trees, and read the first act of the 1951 play Hellas by Rodney Collin Smith. Themes included: awakening, remembering, mastering ‘I’… and the human discomfort associated with those processes. At one point Hellas says of her awakening, ‘It hurts’. Just this week, I gave myself some solace by inviting myself to note ‘hurting’ when my mind, brain, spirit, nervous system or psychology give me messages of discomfort. That ‘hurting’ note helps and brings relief, because it doesn’t even bother to try to ‘fix’ the source of the hurting – and therefore, additional resistance is not applied. We just observe what is happening. The play gave me comfort: if (essential/inner/psychological/spiritual) hurting is associating with awakening or remembering, that I can better welcome it. What else might I understand about this hurting factor?
You are expecting to hear that hurting is a factor of opening, breaking bonds, and taking flight, like a butterfly breaking out of a cocoon. In a sense you are accurate and right here. Breaking old ties is part of the process you are exploring. But there is something more at play. Something deeper that only your soul can fully understand. You have said that you feel like this awakening is akin to ‘pulling off a plaster’ – and you are right. We pull of the plaster when the wound is healed. To acknowledge ourselves as healed is a brave, bold and bashfulness-inducing step. The human holds to ‘broken’, because ‘broken’ is associated with receiving care, deference, sympathy, lower expectations. ‘Healed’ on the other hand is associated with: becoming carer not ‘caree’, becoming leader, becoming author of your own self.
Are you saying I am resisting declaring myself healed?
Indeed.
That is radical… I feel… exhausted, and like I’m climbing uphill. I also feel, in honesty, like my brokenness is my calling card, like my brokenness keeps me curious, humble, open-hearted.
That hits the nail on the head. You are concerned that if you ‘heal’ you will fall asleep again.
Yes, to be honest, that is true. And I pay the price of… not necessarily flying in the world. Your advice?
Heal and fly. Proclaim yourself healed, and fly.
That actually sounds really complex to me.
Let us clarify for you, the nature of the term ‘healed’. You are confusing ‘medically healed’ with ‘spiritually complete’.
Contemplate this: the person on their hospice bed may be entirely healed.
Aha… I see. Beautiful… So ‘healing’ as you put it is not necessarily of the body, or even of the mind… but of the… spirit??
Like, someone living with schizophrenia, and actively hearing voices, could actually be healed, or spiritually complete. We don’t know. Instead we tend to see ‘signs and symptoms’ of illness (mental/physical) and see the person as ‘broken’ or in need of healing, mending, adjusting…
You are getting closer to an understanding. This is a very complex theme, and not to be used in any way to deny suffering or medical treatment.
Yes, absolutely. You spoke of pulling off the plaster when the wound is healed. And that this is associated with hurting. Please tell me more. Is it something to do with using ‘protective/safety strategies’ (as per Compassion Focussed Therapy) and creating unintended limiting – hurt-inducing – consequences for myself?
Yes! The hurting you feel is associated with the ‘protecting’ plaster not the wound. Identify which is the wound and which is the plaster in your life.
It’s like you want me to see that the hurting comes from the fact I am healed and cannot see it yet.
Therefore…
It’s time to recognise that I am healed?
Beautiful. Happy Post 44. [My favourite number]
I am recognising that I am healed.
Yep, I can acknowledge I spent a great amount of time and energy laying down the case for my purported weakness – and it brought me the security of medical, financial, debt-related, work-related help and forbearance. ‘Proving’ my frailty gave me a protective armour in many respects.
Time now to UNDO that armour and own the healed state, whatever I think my body and mind are indicating.
I am healed. I am healed. I am healed…. say that 1 million times and see how your reality rises to meet you there.
I am recognising that I am healed.