Presence 44: I am learning that clearly-defined processes support relationships

Informational Impressions => Intuitive Knowledge.

It was good to do TRE yesterday. I had so much trembly shock lodged in my body. This morning I do feel more at ease in my self, and I had a good sleep too. And I’m reassured to know that AS is steady and self-caring as she passes through CV19. {Sending love to you, my precious.} And LV joined me in my webinar yesterday. She was amazing!! And my beloved Dad is getting good care for his current health concern too. All is well. All are well.

I’d like to reflect this morning on the topic of RELATIONSHIPS. For two reasons:

  1. In the Presence Process, we are ’embracing physical presence’ and…  ‘As we become proficient at responding to surfacing charged emotions, a sense of safety gradually seeps into our overall human experience. This means that as we step into the role of taking responsibility for the quality of our experiences, our child self starts feeling safe again.’ (TPP p190) Our child self exited the body largely because of challenging relationships…. so this renewed safety is surely linked to how we are feeling in relation to others, as we learn to respond to emotions arising in our relationships.
  2. I saw a clip of (gifted intuitive) Teal Swan which really resonated yesterday. It spoke to my previously unarticulated knowing about why I hadn’t come ‘out’ about my beliefs and experiences on a spiritual level over these years (certainly since leaving the Baha’i community). Because in a sense those experiences ‘through the veil’ are incidental to why we are here. Why we are here is to navigate human life, and talking about our own metaphysical experiences generally sets us apart from others in our actual life, and makes it harder to do the human ‘thing’. As Teal beautifully explains,we are here to live the human experience, and the human experience meets its peak meaning and richness and challenge and resolution via….


Teal Swan on relationships

And this quote and video of Teal’s made me reflect that THIS is why I became a mediator – to help repair relationships. Why? Because I know how hard – and how vital to our spiritual journey, whether conscious or not- interpersonal relationships can be. According to many accounts I have read, many a lifetime is largely a journey towards having our relationships settled – and our forgivenesses made/received – and our emotional sobriety mastered – and our ‘love-over-ego’ in place – before the end of our life, to complete the lessons we have set for ourselves in this life. That’s where the peace lies. That’s where our human self unites with our soul self – and that’s what allows Source to know itself through human consciousness.

And as long as we feel ‘unsafe’ in our body and/or our relationships, we are tripping over our own beautiful feet. It’s beautifully complex, nuanced, delicate stuff!!

What say you? [Argh! Time to stop for today. Fill me in tomorrow? xxx]


You are holding space for several relationships at the moment. 

It’s nearly finishing me off! I’m exhausted. And ever astounded by how far people will withhold themselves from ‘negotiation’ with their loved ones!! Do they not see what they are doing when they mulishly refuse to engage in exchange, but doggedly expect the other party to do all the giving?! I’m so tired. I’ve got 3 cases that have lasted months – partly due to the pandemic. But mostly because the readiness to exchange requests and offers is not there.

Walk away. 


You are learning [aka… not there yet!] how to let people know what it is you do. You don’t ‘make the pain go away’. You don’t make ‘the other party see sense’. You don’t persuade and cajole. As a mediator you are a NEGOTIATOR. You need to be much clearly to people that negotiation is your offer. That means both parties bringing their requests and offers to the table. 

I have this one person and I have managed to secure a range of beautiful offers for them from their (traumatised) loved one. And when I make a request this person accuses the loved one of seeking to exert control. I’m so pained…

Do you see how you centralise yourself in that story. Who ‘managed to secure a range of beautiful offers’? 

Yes… I see what you mean.

If you are really process-driven you will say: in the first round of exchanges, one person was able to make offers; the other wasn’t. If you are modelling a process, you will not feel ‘pained’ because YOU will not be in relationship with the parties. You will be in relationship with the process, which is perfect and wholesome and faultless and inanimate.

Imagine you were a dance teacher. A teacher of tango! Can you imagine if you got hooked on lamenting how poorly your students danced? That would drain you of love for the dance rapidly! But if you kept your focus on the wonders of tango, and spent time watching accomplished dancers, and dancing well yourself… you would be less attached to the proficiency/in-proficiency of your students. You would be comfortable to watch some to rise through to the advanced class, and others to drift away if they lost interest. 

You need to be prepared to let some of your parties drift away if they are not really interested in negotiating with the other party. 

Hence ‘walk away’.

Yes. It is not an act of compassion to keep people in mediation if they do not have the will or capacity for it. The kinder thing is to stop the process and let them come back to it afresh if they want to. 

I guess I am needing to get much clearer about what this mediation work is and is not. Right?

In essence, your empathy draws you very close to the parties. We would urge you to cleave closer to the process. Design the process with the parties, from start to finish and get their commitment to that process. Show them the END POINT, very clearly. Here’s our template Mediation Agreement. Here are your names – and this is where you will sign. Here is the box where we state whether this document can be shared or not. Here is the section when we state if or when we will review this decision. This is the bit where we talk about what will happen if someone does not go by the terms of the Agreement. 

Oh my word. A whole new pro forma. It’s brilliant. Thank you!!!

Here is the bit where we talk about the relationship with the mediator coming to an end. Here is the bit we discuss when this document becomes or became final. Here’s the bit where we discuss how other supporters may or may not use the document… Here is the bit we note what will happen in the event of an extreme event, like illness or death. Here is the bit where we talk about how we will communicate together going forward..

Yes!!! Now we’re talking. I know this will make all the difference with the family case I’m working on. Ty.

You are learning that clearly-defined processes support relationships. 

Like ‘monthly Zooms for xyz loved ones’ – so no one is left hanging. And feeling hurt or alone. Or ‘in charge’ of driving the rel.


This is not what I was expecting after the Teal Swan inspiration. But it’s definitely what I needed. (My dear Aspie heart…) Thank you!

I am learning that clearly-defined processes support relationships



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