Yesterday, my beloved eldest gave me an excellent book:
I started reading it later that afternoon. The initial point in the book really resonated. In sum, it goes like this: think about all the things that really mattered to you as a child. Not much, eh? It was all freedom, wonder and awe. Then think of all the many, varied, accumulating things that matter to you as you move in to adulthood: exam results, qualifications, first job, career, house, mortgage, recognition, nice car/functioning car… Over time, we give these things intense meaning. And as Parkin says:
Meaning is pain. Anything that has meaning for us – anything that matters – carries the potential to cause us pain. Meaning is a brightly coloured box with pain inside. And sometimes – without us wanting it to – the lid just bursts open and the pain comes pouring out. The problem is that meaning – things mattering – is attachment. And anything we’re attached to has the potential to turn round and bite us. (F**k It, 2014, p26)
Parkin suggests we get into a jet-propelled Perspective Machine to have a look down at the actual granularity of our lives. He reminds us that big shocks – 9/11, 7/7, the Asian tsunami, a cancer diagnosis – are all natural Perspective Machines. So is considering the brevity of our lives against the 100, 000 years of human existence, or the 4.5 billion years since the Big Bang:
And up there so high in our Perspective Machine we realise that our lives are really just like that of the firefly. Except the air is full of seven billion fireflies. They’re glowing beautifully for one night. Then they’re gone. So, F**k It, you might as well REALLY glow. And there we go again. Did you taste it? That was the brief taste of freedom. Sometimes it doesn’t last long. But it’s an unforgettable taste. (F**k It, 2014, p37)
And here’s the thing. I remembered, suddenly this morning, while making coffee and pondering on how much meaning-and-mattering I’d attributed to this and that in my life, that a few brief years ago, I didn’t know if I’d make it.
I remember… back in 2014 and 2015 and 2016, just watching the life-force ebbing out of me, and feeling that my body was packing in, and having this awful fear that, just as I was starting to learn how I might manage my life, and even develop the desire to pursue life, I was going to lose it – and leave my children to manage their adulthoods alone and unwitnessed by their adoring mother.
Back then, I seemed in an interminable wrestling match with addiction to toxins that seemed to rip away from me the gathering successes I was having with healing and trauma release. But, eventually, the healing and the trauma release, and the commitment to the sustainable recovery of my mental health, led me to the ways to release myself from the addictive habits that I had felt would kill me.
And here the heck I am. Five or so years later. Not just alive and clean, but thriving. And in love. And safely held. And cherished. And working again. And with two extraordinary grown-up children out there acing life.
Perspective Machine ahoy!
And what has happened in the last year, while getting my own work up and running..? A little bit too much meaning-and-mattering-making. And it’s been tiring, stressful and a little bit burnout-making. Not enough saying no or carving out boundaries. A little bit too much with the Importance of Being Earnest.
So look at this next line from Parkin:
Personally, I’ve always tasted [the brief taste of freedom] when I’ve contemplated that utter meaningless of my own existence. It’s a rush of freedom and it tasted good. If my life means so little, then F**k It, I might as well go for it and just have a laugh. (F**k It, 2014, p37)
And what would ‘going for it and just having a laugh’ look like for you?
Interesting you ask. 🙂 Last night, we went out with a couple from our music group. It turns out, he is the lead paediatrician for autism in the area. We talked about the experience of our daughters’ diagnoses. We talked about how little is being done to change criteria for diagnosis so that it might actually be girl-applicable. We talked about the importance of changing the understanding of girls and autism. I noticed… I didn’t disclose my own diagnosis. But I did feel a burgeoning again. To use my lived experience for good.
Interesting! And is that about ‘having a laugh’ too?
Yes. Tbh, I think it could be. Perhaps my barrier to doing so in the first place was that I could only see myself doing it with The Importance of Being Earnest. And that grated. For me, for any ‘audience’, but especially for my Aspie colleagues. Also, I didn’t want to be identified as Mrs Autism – because that is not what one is. :/ Like Temple Grandin is (to me) Engineer first and Autism educator second.
What’s the alternative to Mrs Autism?
Mrs Dialogue. I am interested in Dialogue. That is my route in to, out of and around autism too. Dialogue is the art and craft of the empath who suffers the haranguing of the everyday conversations around them. Dialogue is the meaning-maker but also the relief-generator, the nuance-finder, the safety-creator, the peace-producer, the resolution-builder.
Excellent. Well…
Might as well go for it and just have a laugh