Observations on an ‘exhausted’ day:
- I don’t need to save people from their feelings or pain…
- My ‘saving’ manoeuvres leave me exhausted and fatigued. They are not required.
- I save / intervene / people-please / over-serve / oblige out of fear: fear of their displeasure, their pain, their condemnation of me.
- I need to self-soothe out of that fear, with self-compassion and attention. Only then can I rationalise with myself about the actual value in my plan to ‘save’ another.
- If I leave someone to ‘fend for themselves’, what happens? Nothing in particular, it transpires. Each has their own perfect strength.
If I focus my energies on ‘fending for myself‘, what happens? I find greater ease in life. Less fatigue, less adrenal overload, less cortisol tangoing. More ease makes for more receptivity, more soothing, more allowing, more aligning with my inner being.
This is a beautiful potential change in my self: to learn to witness myself at the moment of my trying to turbo-charge myself into stopping someone being left to ‘fend for themselves’. Can I get into tourist mode and watch myself reaching the peaks and troughs of that particular rollercoaster? The roller coaster of the empath, maybe? Can I bring attention to my empathic desire to prevent another being with their own distress? Can I channel that loving attention towards to my serving, soothing and meeting my own needs? Can I let ‘obliging’ go?
Can I let ‘saving’ go?
Can I ‘oblige’ my own needs?
Can I ‘save’ my own self from distress, insecurity or exhaustion?
Can I let each ‘fend for themselves’, and be at peace with that, safe in the knowledge that we are all ultimately safe, held, protected, free…?
What is all this about, dear heart of my being?
The Mother arises.
Ok..? My maternal instinct and old ways somehow redirected to others (who aren’t my now grown-up children)?
How does it feel to write ‘now grown-up children’?
It touches on a part of me which is still astonished that nature creates the set-up in which your most beloved beings, the recipients of your deepest love, should grow up and go… I am so proud of them as flown birds, and you know that’s always going to be the ‘deal’… But yes, there is a part of me that remains genuinely… disbelieving that this unthinkable, unspeakable thing should have happened. It makes tears and sobs come heaving up…
Softly, dear soul. Softly with yourself. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for eliciting it, and bringing it forth.
You spoke earlier about, in a sense, redirecting that intense, abundance parental care towards… yourself now. How does that feel to reflect upon?
It feels kind of sweet. Like I can imagine a little me (an inner child, I suppose), left to ‘fend for herself’ for so long, now being the object of my (occasionally intense, eh, kids?) parental gaze…
*tearfulness* My beautiful kids were my intense, heartfelt, passionate, devoted ‘special interest’! Time took that away from me! I miss them. I miss my role as their companion, teacher, carer, champion, fixer, supporter, watcher… Where are my beautiful girls? It makes me want to wail from a very deep place in my heart…
Softly, sweet soul. Softly with yourself. Again, dear one… What if you were to direct some of that deep, deep, caring attention towards your self? Would that feel fun? Easeful? Exploratory?
Yes, I think so. I don’t know.
Why don’t you ask the child inside you what she would like?
Hello Little Me. Long time no chat. Want to be my new adopted child?
Yup.
Good then. What do you want to do together?
Have fun, adventures, exploring, giddy experiences, roller coasters, exhilaration. Yes, exhilaration.
Man alive. Really? What’s all that about then?
We sat still on a rock for a long time, being careful not to step off it and fall into the sea. Know what I mean?
Yes. I do.
The tide has ebbed away. There is no danger. We can roam and roll and cartwheel and fly. How does that sound?
Um, possible… Yes.
You know that Tourist Guide in our heart? It’s ready to show us some sights…
I hear you. New experiences. Exhilaration. Wow factor. Great feelings. Glee. Awe. Joy.
‘Peak’ experiences. You up for that? Can I hop on your shoulders?
Ok, sure. You’ll all need to show me the way…
‘Peak experiences’. What does that phrase mean to you?
To be honest, I’m not really sure. But I am prepared to find out!
So we are saying that, today…
‘Today, I am beginning a new project, called the Peak Project’
Wow, really?
Yep.
I’m super-moved. Awesome. I love it. Thank you for the MEDS Project. It’s been such a journey. I’ve learnt so much about myself and about approaches to regulating self-care. But, as we saw from above… I’m still exhausted. I have some patterns for the MEDS (which I no longer share here) but they are irregular. I actually need to completely reorientate my work if I am to be able to honour the MEDS protocols. My work is more than full time (although I should be working no more than 10-15 hours a week according to my GP) and, relying heavily on my work as a trainer specifically, it requires huge drawdowns on my adrenal glands… which are back to being ready to go again. I have a weekly exercise class… and I am back to having to sit out certain bits with post-op participants in their 70s. Something’s seriously out of whack in my body, and it’s causing me distress.
So maybe, instead of trying to regulate my MEDS and force them upon my ungrateful self 😉 … I take a more global approach. With my Little Me sitting on my shoulders, I get rallied up to go and discover those experiences which wash me with joie-de-vivre. I allow my neural pathways to get soaked in deep ‘joy, pride, awe’… Maybe, with attention on those ‘peak experiences’ of life, we shift gear from one of steady regulation / compliance to a regime, to one in which the observance of good self-care, self-healing, self-love protocols becomes natural in the light of our appreciation of the good times human, physical life affords us. I don’t know. Let’s find out. I’ve skirted around the whole ‘human potential’ field, thinking ‘Hey, let’s just get a steady balance before we try and overexcite ourselves..’ – but… if we’re serious about taking a heart-led approach to life, maybe that involves following it … towards our bliss.
This feels right… It’s Day 100 of the MEDS Project, and I am in awe of the dialogues it has produced. THANK YOU, Inner Being! Onwards, to the next chapter…
Today, I am beginning a new project, called the Peak Project