Tag: Saturday

Posted on

MEDS Day 100: Today, I am beginning a new project, called the Peak Project

Observations on an ‘exhausted’ day:

  • I don’t need to save people from their feelings or pain…
  • My ‘saving’ manoeuvres leave me exhausted and fatigued. They are not required.
  • I save / intervene / people-please / over-serve / oblige out of fear: fear of their displeasure, their pain, their condemnation of me.
  • I need to self-soothe out of that fear, with self-compassion and attention. Only then can I rationalise with myself about the actual value in my plan to ‘save’ another.
  • If I leave someone to ‘fend for themselves’, what happens? Nothing in particular, it transpires. Each has their own perfect strength.

If I focus my energies on ‘fending for myself‘, what happens? I find greater ease in life. Less fatigue, less adrenal overload, less cortisol tangoing. More ease makes for more receptivity, more soothing, more allowing, more aligning with my inner being.

This is a beautiful potential change in my self: to learn to witness myself at the moment of my trying to turbo-charge myself into stopping someone being left to ‘fend for themselves’. Can I get into tourist mode and watch myself reaching the peaks and troughs of that particular rollercoaster? The roller coaster of the empath, maybe? Can I bring attention to my empathic desire to prevent another being with their own distress? Can I channel that loving attention towards to my serving, soothing and meeting my own needs? Can I let ‘obliging’ go?

Can I let ‘saving’ go?

Can I ‘oblige’ my own needs?

Can I ‘save’ my own self from distress, insecurity or exhaustion?

Can I let each ‘fend for themselves’, and be at peace with that, safe in the knowledge that we are all ultimately safe, held, protected, free…?

What is all this about, dear heart of my being?

The Mother arises. 

Ok..? My maternal instinct and old ways somehow redirected to others (who aren’t my now grown-up children)?

How does it feel to write ‘now grown-up children’? 

It touches on a part of me which is still astonished that nature creates the set-up in which your most beloved beings, the recipients of your deepest love, should grow up and go… I am so proud of them as flown birds, and you know that’s always going to be the ‘deal’… But yes, there is a part of me that remains genuinely… disbelieving that this unthinkable, unspeakable thing should have happened. It makes tears and sobs come heaving up…

Softly, dear soul. Softly with yourself. Thank you for sharing this. 

Thank you for eliciting it, and bringing it forth.

You spoke earlier about, in a sense, redirecting that intense, abundance parental care towards… yourself now. How does that feel to reflect upon? 

It feels kind of sweet. Like I can imagine a little me (an inner child, I suppose), left to ‘fend for herself’ for so long, now being the object of my (occasionally intense, eh, kids?) parental gaze…

*tearfulness* My beautiful kids were my intense, heartfelt, passionate, devoted ‘special interest’! Time took that away from me! I miss them. I miss my role as their companion, teacher, carer, champion, fixer, supporter, watcher… Where are my beautiful girls? It makes me want to wail from a very deep place in my heart… 

Softly, sweet soul. Softly with yourself. Again, dear one… What if you were to direct some of that deep, deep, caring attention towards your self? Would that feel fun? Easeful? Exploratory? 

Yes, I think so. I don’t know.

Why don’t you ask the child inside you what she would like? 

Hello Little Me. Long time no chat. Want to be my new adopted child?

Yup. 

Good then. What do you want to do together?

Have fun, adventures, exploring, giddy experiences, roller coasters, exhilaration. Yes, exhilaration. 

Man alive. Really? What’s all that about then?

We sat still on a rock for a long time, being careful not to step off it and fall into the sea. Know what I mean? 

Yes. I do.

The tide has ebbed away. There is no danger. We can roam and roll and cartwheel and fly. How does that sound? 

Um, possible… Yes.

You know that Tourist Guide in our heart? It’s ready to show us some sights…

I hear you. New experiences. Exhilaration. Wow factor. Great feelings. Glee. Awe. Joy.

‘Peak’ experiences. You up for that? Can I hop on your shoulders?

Ok, sure. You’ll all need to show me the way…

‘Peak experiences’. What does that phrase mean to you? 

To be honest, I’m not really sure. But I am prepared to find out!

So we are saying that, today…

‘Today, I am beginning a new project, called the Peak Project’

Wow, really?

Yep. 

I’m super-moved. Awesome. I love it. Thank you for the MEDS Project. It’s been such a journey. I’ve learnt so much about myself and about approaches to regulating self-care. But, as we saw from above… I’m still exhausted. I have some patterns for the MEDS (which I no longer share here) but they are irregular. I actually need to completely reorientate my work if I am to be able to honour the MEDS protocols. My work is more than full time (although I should be working no more than 10-15 hours a week according to my GP) and, relying heavily on my work as a trainer specifically, it requires huge drawdowns on my adrenal glands… which are back to being ready to go again. I have a weekly exercise class… and I am back to having to sit out certain bits with post-op participants in their 70s. Something’s seriously out of whack in my body, and it’s causing me distress.

So maybe, instead of trying to regulate my MEDS and force them upon my ungrateful self 😉 … I take a more global approach. With my Little Me sitting on my shoulders, I get rallied up to go and discover those experiences which wash me with joie-de-vivre. I allow my neural pathways to get soaked in deep ‘joy, pride, awe’… Maybe, with attention on those ‘peak experiences’ of life, we shift gear from one of steady regulation / compliance to a regime, to one in which the observance of good self-care, self-healing, self-love protocols becomes natural in the light of our appreciation of the good times human, physical life affords us. I don’t know. Let’s find out. I’ve skirted around the whole ‘human potential’ field, thinking ‘Hey, let’s just get a steady balance before we try and overexcite ourselves..’ – but… if we’re serious about taking a heart-led approach to life, maybe that involves following it … towards our bliss. 

This feels right… It’s Day 100 of the MEDS Project, and I am in awe of the dialogues it has produced. THANK YOU, Inner Being! Onwards, to the next chapter…

Today, I am beginning a new project, called the Peak Project

 

Posted on

MEDS Day 78: Today I am DECIDING…

Snowy bridge by AT

Well it’s been quite a hiatus. (I last posted nearly a month ago – so ‘Day 78’ should definitely be ‘Post 78’!) It’s been a busy and successful January in many ways. Work has been very busy. Moreover, I was (incredibly!) successful in going CAC Free for January. I’m so pleased! However…….. I barely lost weight!!! 6 pounds. Upping and downing in weight and size… It was a mixed experience – and the bottom line is probably that stress and lack of sleep delete many gains from dietary discipline.

Here’s my learning from a month without Carbs, Alcohol or Coffee:

  • CARBS: While I gained energy from being 90% carb free, I realised that it was going to take much more than just restriction of carbs to create inner balance and optimal health. I NEED to be stress-free, well-rested and well-slept for my body to cease being inflamed – otherwise the insulin / adrenaline / cortisol s**tshow is still calling the shots, and my gut continues to be a biotic-storm. I’ve now upped my supplements / ACV / green powder drink. And I’m aiming for some Intermittent Fasting or Time Restricted Eating in Feb, to allow my gut and system to heal between meals. I’m going to download The Obesity Code by Dr Fung as an audio book when I get a new phone.
  • ALCOHOL: I’ve been really blessed to have a Dry January. I’m gently letting it roll forward. I know I’m only one evening’s ‘treat night’ away from a habit again. It’s a shame that I seem not to suit the ‘moderation approach’, but I know (eg from the lovely Dry Jan facebook community) that many, many people are in the same boat wherein abstinence is simply the securest and healthiest way forward.
  • COFFEE: I didn’t think I’d manage this one as I’ve had daily coffee for 15 years with one short-lived break in 2016 – but I did it! – so, a real victory for willpower and inner patience. However, I’ve brought coffee back in now, because a) it didn’t seem to make much difference taking it out, and b) I missed it in a fond (not cravey) way and found that tea was much less of an incentive to get out of bed in the morning. I don’t like tea so much first thing in the morning, and unless I’m going to get rid of caffeine altogether, losing coffee per se doesn’t seem so helpful. Also so many of the keto dudes talk enthusiastically about the role of coffee for them either for fat (eg bullet proof coffee, with MCT powder) or for fasting (as an acceptable drink).

So what about the MEDS overall now?

  • Meditation: I’ve been doing short 10 min meditations – all good. Not a deep practice at the moment, but I’ve often had 5am starts for work this month, so what you gonna do? Little and often is a fine balance for now. And I’m just appreciating the morning routine of QT + Meditation… then,hop out of bed. I could incorporate more Mindfulness in my training delivery – that would get some in during the day!
  • Exercise: My younger daughter got me on to the ‘Yoga with Adriene 30 Day Yoga Challenge’ on Youtube. I love it! I’m on Day 15, so I guess I’m doing a session (20-30 mins) every other day – not bad when it’s been so busy. Where I’ve really fallen short this month is on aerobic activity. I stopped the trotting, as I was leaving the house early for work, and it’s been bloody cold. My Steps haven’t been too bad, but I need to get more hill walks in, or swimming, or cycling. Let’s move house (eek – in two  weeks) and then use that lovely open space, and G’s companionship, and the lengthening evenings… to get a new rhythm going. I’m tracking ‘active minutes’ and ‘av calories burned’ on a weekly / monthly basis now.
  • Diet: see above (CAC) – I’ve really appreciated the emphasis on ‘protein and veg’. I suspect, while I haven’t lost much weight, I’m less full of gunk… I didn’t get the full ‘purification’ I got the year I did Veganuary… so I realise that I need to tweak things as I go.
  • Sleep: Man alive, this has been my achilles heel. I’ve been stuck at 6h30 average per week, which is NOT enough. I need, frankly, to nap/siesta more, and relax more, and keep my body less in the contracted state. As noted above, this is now the remaining critical factor for my health. I will get there!!

And on writing these posts…? Why the month’s pause in writing?

  • I went out there with DoD as my strapline for my business, and hurriedly put this blog on maintenance mode…. which seemed to shift my feeling about it!
  • I think I needed just to get on with  the new regime (CAC) and all the business work at hand…
  • Maybe tracking everything here had become a bit laborious – especially once the public tracking had successfully pushed me into taking radical action on my dietary intake!
  • I felt this was becoming a bit of a lifestyle blog… when what I really need is the DoD with myself… I was becoming orientated to the assumed ‘reader’, not to the Dialogue.

So where am I at with this blog series, and with the MEDS Project? Nearly time to wind up? Maybe. I suspect so. I’m going to drop the  tracking on these posts as it was. I’m tracking Steps, Sleep etc (via my FitBit) in my Planner, so maybe I’ll share the odd photo here, and that will cover it.

My desire is, really, to get back to checking in with my inner being and its lovely, infinite, nourishing, nurturing personalised life lessons. So, here we are….

Dear heart of my soul…. Long time no see. Thanks for the awesome set up with the CAC Free project and all that we have been processing, achieving and learning away from here too. Good to be back in touch with you in the written form. How are you?

Eternally happy, content, proud and delighted with all that is seen through your physical eyes. 

I’ve missed this.

We haven’t missed a thing. All is present to us now and always. 

May I ask you. What do you think I’ve learnt in the last month?

Restraint. Reliability. Focus. Determination. Self-determination. Optimism. Decision-making. The power of your decisions. 

Yesterday, I determined that my word for the month ahead (Feb) be ‘Decided’, as in ‘I decided’, ‘I have decided’, ‘I trust my decisions’, ‘Now the decision is made, the fun begins’… Did this come from you?

Of course. You asked us about what focus would benefit your mind as a fruitful ‘occupation’ for the month, recognising that the mind is best equipped to benefit the person’s reality when given a positive ‘end goal’ focus (as opposed to unrestrained access to ‘things to fret about’ and thus manifest!). Then you reached in, in a meditative state, and collected the offering from the platter inside you. 

Firmly-made, optimistic DECISIONS are portals to your best next realities. 

What decisions have I hesitated on recently, that I could make firm decisions about and thus benefit my future reality..?

Why not list the many ‘firmly-made, optimistic DECISIONS’ you actually have made? 

  • New home – great choice by the way
  • New logo – awesome (AT, DoD)
  • New booking systems for your business
  • New ventures for your business
  • Huge amounts of decluttering and releasing a la KonMari (each item consciously decided upon)
  • The future of your CAC Free regime
  • Starting the 30 Day Yoga Challenge
  • New weekly planner (and letting go of the daily Full Focus Planner)
  • New health tracking protocols
  • Asking for dignified rates of pay for work done

I’ve been playing with a phrase I surmised from Reality Transurfing (which I’ve almost finished). I think it’s fitting…:

Everything is unfolding wonderfully

Infinite intelligence within me, speaking to me at whatever highest frequency I can arrive at to connect to you with… How can I make ever more confident, swift, intuitive decisions, on a daily basis? How can I dissolve hesitation or doubt sooner?

Reduce the ‘importance’ you attribute to things. Say: ‘It’s not important whether I choose A or B. What’s important is to choose and act.’

As in… ‘Brexit means Brexit. Let’s get on with it.’?

The difficulty around Brexit is that the result was pretty much ‘undecided’. There was no ‘clear’ decision. Mainly because the ‘choice’ at hand was never truthfully laid out. This is a perfect example of choosing without full information taken into consideration. So there’s a tip for you for good decision-making: gather as much neutral information as you can – and then stop, consider what you see, and plump fully for a decision that your heart and mind can get behind. 

What if my heart and mind have got different protocols for decision making? Then they become Leavers and Remainers, battling over the winning decision.

Here is the power of consultation. Allow the heart and mind to consult the facts fully, until the truth emerges in plain sight for both to throw themselves behind. 

You say ‘until’… What if they need longer than the time available?

Practice. It takes practice, and being unafraid about the consequences of making the ‘wrong’ decision – hence the initial comment about attributing less importance to the decisions at hand. Imagine you make a 100 conscious decisions, and get 50 of them wrong. You have still made more progress than had you made just 20 hesitant decisions in the same time period. 

But what about all the time ‘undoing’ and mopping up the 50 wrong decisions?!

Were they 50 ‘wrong’ decisions – or were they 50 hypotheses tested and then tweaked according to resulting data? 

So, some things you can’t know the answer to until you test out one way or the other… Makes sense. That gives me confidence. And less of a sense of haplessness in the face of getting resulting data that shows that the ‘other way’ would have been more beneficial.

I’m reaching the end of MEDS Project. Though I haven’t solved my health issues, of weight gain and adrenal fatigue. What other decisions do I need to make? 

Lady, you need to get out in nature again! There is no way you can revive your energetic field whilst sitting indoors, engulfed in EMFs, with no direct sunlight, and no access to the healing waves of luscious energy (QI!) flowing abundantly out of the Earth and her plant world. 

Well, that was a clear enough answer! 🙂 Thanks! And yes, so true. I’m looking forward to living in a rural environment again in 2/3 weeks time!

It will do you SO much good! Just ‘get out the door’! Can you do that today, city-bound as you are? It’s snowy, and sunny!! The fields are GLORIOUS! Get out the door, lady! 

Ha! Yes. Um… What about my work (law firm follow up) and packing boxes?

Let’s put this to you again… Lovingly. Deeply lovingly. Ok: *strong voice* “Lady, you need to get out in nature again! There is no way you can revive your energetic field whilst sitting indoors, engulfed in EMFs, with no direct sunlight, and no access to the healing waves of luscious energy (QI!) flowing abundantly out of the Earth and her plant world.”

When you get back you will a) be revived and energised, and b) realise that you don’t need to work again til next week…

But I do want to do the law firm follow up…. 🙂

Then you shall have the energy and clarity of mind to do it more swiftly after a walk in nature. And then you shall have the nap you wanted. And then you shall pack. Awesome. 

Then it is DECIDED. I shall go out for a good hearty walk. Then I shall work. Then I shall nap. Then I shall pack. And then my lovely G arrives. Good day. Thank you!

Today, I am DECIDING…

Snowy walk by AT

Posted on

MEDS Day 76: Today I am just tracking my MEDs…

MEDS Trackers Jan2019: Day: Sat
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med | Aerobic | Qigong 0:0:0
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food YES
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books No
Med minutes 1
Active minutes 0
Steps 5570
Food: A pretty good Low Carb High Fat day. 🙂

9am: Berocca/linseed shot; tea

12: sausage&courgette; tea; dried fruit w dark choc

3: cucumber with pate and cheese on top

8pm: chicken and veg stir-fry (no noodles); water; cranberry and sparkling water; nuts/100%choc; hot cashew milk and cacao powder (good antidote to carb cravings)

 Eating window:

9am – 11pm

14 hour window! (I want to start thinking about reducing this to 8h)
Dry?  YES. Day 5
Screens off /
In bed (with books..) /
Sleep Window
 00.58 – 8.33
Hours slept (as per FitBit data next morning) 6h42

 ***********

Posted on

MEDS Day 59: Today I am preparing to plunge [key post]

https://www.etsy.com/in-en/listing/455641284/teach-peace-wood-sign-teach-peace

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

  • Download Hour – yes, it really hits the spot… Downloading what? ‘The Frequency of Love’ – say what? Yes… We have to get both still and active for Love to rest and bloom in our systems.
  • Saying “My Time Is My Own” – the main upshot was that I felt permitted to do whatever I felt led and inclined to do. I stopped thinking: “This is fun… I should stop it, and do ‘work’.” Instead, I revelled in being my own boss, and in doing everything that arose for me to do across the day. I stopped feeling like the ‘horse with the slapped arse’, running according to another’s ‘urgent’ wishes. (There’s a history here…!)
  • Seeing some loved ones move into their new house in the evening, and celebrating with them.

What is the lesson for today? I’m receptive. Things are moving beautifully. Yet, there are still some things I’m not progressing, or on top of… Reorientate me, dear Soul. Remind me why I am here and what is important. Show me how to ‘Clear The Decks’. Settle me into the Work you would have me do.

***

Joe Martino
Joe Martino

Sweet. I felt inclined to go to YouTube, and this popped up almost immediately. Spot on.  I love Collective Evolution – over the years their posts have provoked much thoughtful consideration in me. Here (20 seconds in), the founder, Joe mentions that using the Law of Attraction was behind much of the development of CE, but that crucially he was “tapping into ‘what is best for me and the collective and serving the collective’, not what was ‘best for just me’.” He asked, “How can I best serve? What is my role and how do I play within the collective and helping the collective move forward and evolve?” And then,  “I would tap into that subtle energy, and I would pay attention to that subtle knowing… I would create what my heart knows what to do.. Not what your mind would say, “Yeah, I’d love to have that.” What if your heart would have something different? Your heart is a lot more ‘who you are’… If you heart wants this, and your soul is here for this, your soul’s going to put in barriers for what your mind is asking for..” Oh, I can’t transcribe it all. Listen to it if you like. It’s 3 mins.

Ok, so… Joe’s questions, to myself:

What is best for me, and the collective, and serving the collective? How can I best serve? What is my role and how do I play with the collective and helping the collective move forward and evolve?

Do you really want to know? 

Yes, please. At a level I can understand, and crucially, act upon. Prayerfully, humbly, I call on highest knowing and intelligence to guide and reorientate me towards service to the collective.

Your heart is directed outwards.

Is that a good thing?

Your mind is directed inwards. Hence the ‘stand-off’. 

What? Do you mean that my mind is kind of ‘selfish’ and my heart is less so, and that they are at odds with eachother in a kind of deadlocked negotiation?

Until your mind trusts your heart, you will move forward only incrementally. 

Agh! Yes. I KNOW it to be true. I act in a careful, cautious, circumspect manner… ‘tempering’ heart and mind…

…and diluting the passion that is in you to come forward. 

Crumbs. How do I overcome this? How do I encourage my mind to get behind my heart.

First you help your heart to articulate itself. Which you are doing right here. Well done. 

Cool. Good. Then?

Then you take some bold, heart-led steps, acknowledging to your mind that it has issued warnings, and that a period of reflection will later ensue to see if its warnings were in fact vindicated.

The idea being that the heart will be proved right?

Always. 

So, bold, heart-led steps such as…?

Why not ask your Heart?

Dear Heart, what would you have me do, be or say, in our mission to be of service to the collective and its beautiful, roller-coastering, unstoppable evolution?

Heart: Get a little bit quieter… So much talk and chat and banter and giving away energy to the ether. 

That I did not expect to be your answer. It’s true. I put a lot of chat out there… It’s also how I think I will give myself financial security. It’s called networking, marketing, business development…

Heart: Only if your mission lies in the hands of another. Which it does not. No one’s does. 

So..? What is this mission?

Heart: The author of the Starseeds book mentioned that there are two important strands of work: teaching and healing. You are called to teach.

I feel self-conscious now…

Heart: Yes, because your ego is interpreting this last statement as being some kind of promotion, or status-raising. It’s not. Everyone needs to get busy playing their part. Not to play one’s part is a dereliction of duty. 

Oof. Ok. Teach what?

https://www.etsy.com/in-en/listing/455641284/teach-peace-wood-sign-teach-peace
https://www.etsy.com/in-en/listing/455641284/teach-peace-wood-sign-teach-peace

Heart: We’ve covered this before at length. Teach Peace. 

We did cover this before in earlier dialogues. It’s true. (See 2017/8)

  • LeaRN &
  • TeacH
  • PeacE

Good. So back to basics, please. How?

Heart: By example.

Yikes. As in “I am at peace”?

Heart: Good. What is ‘peace’?

[Pause] Your question made me inclined to look up ‘Zen’ – yesterday I glimpsed somewhere a definition of Zen’s main tenet described as ‘non-being’. A quick google took me to https://zenpeacemakers.org/ Nice!

Heart: Dear Soul… you don’t need to join a group. But you can be inspired by it. What is your actual calling? 

Dialogue. Dialogues of Discernment. I want to have dialogues, I want to encourage others to have dialogues. I want to capture dialogues. I want to raise people up and show/share their immense wisdom. So many people helped me recover my mental health in 2015-2018. I wanted to interview them, and put the dialogues out there. I wanted to learn how to make videos this quarter. I want to travel the world dialoguing. I want to show how we can all be happy, and resolve the most intractable difficulties, by wisely-held or wisely-guided conversations. I want to reveal how, when our hearts are focussed on unity, on love, on peace, on light… we can discern all things through dialogue, both between ourselves and others, and between ourselves and our own inner knowing, as we’re doing here. I want to encourage others to self-heal and self-care by dialoguing with their wisest selves and by trusting that open dialogue with another might just help. I want to support people to spring themselves from seemingly impossible stuckness by daring to dialogue. I want to find my own confidence to have and to hold those dialogues! I want to understand the technology to do this stuff! I want to travel and meet people. I want my Love to join me too, if he would like that. I want to feel in flow, in joy, in my salsa. I want to revel in friendship, and in the joy of bringing people’s brilliant, unheard voices to new ears. I want no longer to wait for the permission-giving of others. I want to be like the late Bernie Glassman, Co-Founder of Zen Peacemakers Intl , and ‘plunge‘:

One of Bernie Glassman’s favorite koans asks: Where do you step from the top of a 100-foot pole? His answer seemed to be: You plunge. (Ref)

Heart: Plunge, you say?! Off the 100-foot pole…?! What would that look like? 

Setting up DoDs Ltd. A social enterprise. Mission: to teach peace through dialogue.

Heart: Do it. Anything else you need to know? 

But…

Bernie Glassman 1939-2018
Bernie Glassman 1939-2018

Heart: You said ‘plunge’. Prepare for the sense of freefall. Just brace yourself for the feeling of it. Trust in the parachute. 

“The plunges, as Glassman called them, served a spiritual purpose: to uproot preconditioned ideas, bear witness to what’s going on and serve those most in need. At a time when many American Buddhists preferred self-development to social engagement, Glassman dismissed “mannequin meditation” and carried his Zen practice from clean-aired monasteries to chaotic city streets, where he led weeklong retreats on sidewalks and in crowded parks. “Bernie was very clear that meditation was not a refuge from life,” said Roshi Eve Myonen Marko, Glassman’s third wife. “For him, meditation was total engagement.” (Ref)
So you can think of plunges as involving: uprooting old ideas, bearing witness, serving, and total engagement. This is good. This is good. Feel the fresh air in these thoughts. 
Yes…. Ok…  As long as there are no vanity projects in this initiative of mine… I’m done with that stuff.
Heart: The freefall of a true plunge knocks the vanity stuffing out of you. That’s what makes it so effective. Fear not. Embrace. Trust. Trust me. 
Ok. I feel a bit faint… But not faint of heart. Faint of mind!
Heart: One day at a time. Prepare for the jump. Check the parachute. Gain altitude. Feel your feet on the 100-foot pole. Prepare to plunge.
Bless you, my dear Heart… You’re braver than I knew.
Today I am preparing to plunge

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here) 
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med | Aerobic | Qigong YES!
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food Til evening 🙂 – Sat
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books No – Sat
Med minutes 20
Aerobic minutes 48
Steps 7361
Food eaten:

  • 9am Coffee & cream & honey
  • 2pm Bacon, egg, peas, sauerkraut, mayo (no carb)
  • 8pm Indian ready meals inc rice and 483 poppadums, Vodka & DC x2
Dry?  No
Screens off /
In bed with books 12.20pm – 8.30
Hours slept (as per next morning) 6h50m

 ***********

Posted on

MEDS Day 53: Today I am practising Inner Softness

I am grateful for yesterday’s…

  • Extraordinary training delivery – on suicide prevention. Profound experience.
  • Completing the hardest week of the year, workwise – and feeling like I’ve ‘broken up’ for end of term
  • Huge, helpful, somatic-release cry… before a lovely, warming, heartening…
  • Evening out with my Love

Feeling still a little pinched today. The content of the last week’s training has been so hard, so intense, and the stories of suicide people shared yesterday really took the wind out of us all.

Remember that song… “Get up, get on up…”

Yes, I’m meant to be at a singing workshop… I’m 2 hours late. Here in my pjs.

It’s sunny outdoors. Not a day to be lingering in pjs, dear one.

Orientate me a bit. What have I learnt this week?

Revise this: 

All dependency arises because the arrow of attention has been caught in the pendulum’s noose. In order to “come off the needle” you have to switch your attention to something else. Will power is rarely enough to free yourself from the noose in the same way that you can only get a song out of your head when you switch to a different tune. A harmful habit is as a rule accompanied by a specific script and set of scenery…. There is only one way to pay off all your debts and walk away from the grievous bank: change the script and scenery. If is not difficult to do, you just have to do it and then apply a little imagination.’ (Reality Transurfing p596)

“Change the script and scenery.” I could do that a little more… I’m really saddened by some of the words I’ve heard recently…

Focus only upon that which you would see more of. 

Like… Peace, love, understanding.

For example. But even and also, the practical, pragmatic, tangible things… The real ‘scenery’: 

  • the food you like to see (you’ve done some great healthy cooking this week)
  • the places you love to visit and feast your senses on 
  • the people you admire and are inspired by
  • the tools you know provoke healing, learning, joy… 

To what degree do your words (“script”) focus on illuminating that which your heart is uplifted by? 

Remember that settling the system (ANS) allows us to steer our minds in the ‘towards’ direction, instead of being propelled in an ‘away-from’ manner.  

I just read an article about MDMA therapy, for profound trauma release.

Your brain can make its own MDMA if you work with it, and not against it. 

Meaning?

Be still, be gentle, be soft…

You keep saying that. What insight am I missing?

Softness is in inside job. You have held yourself rigid inside, to power though the ‘work ahead’. Let the softness return and you will free up your Inner Being to express itself and take the lead. Your Inner Being is ready to lead and to guide whenever you are prepared to let it. Softness is the key. (Don’t worry – not to be confused with apathy, nor laziness.) True inner softness is a discipline, requiring a strong, poised body; a clean, clear mind. Reach in for your inner softness; connect with your Inner Being and Knowing. 

Today I am practising Inner Softness <3

********************

MEDITATION? NO

EXERCISE? NO

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO

DRY today? NO

8.30am: Sausages & rice

1pm: Jacket potato, chilli, salad, tortilla chips, tea, cheesecake, biccies (Singing workshop delights!)

7pm: (At home) Lamb curry, rice, poppadoms, V&DietCoke

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – Sat

Screens off:   /       Lights out: 12.30

Wake up the next day:        8            Total sleep: 7.5

 

Posted on

MEDS Day 46: Today I am practising Switching Attention

The Pomodoro Technique

I am grateful for yesterday’s…

  • beautiful day’s work coaching a team of university students to pitch for funding to do an artistic project (they were successful)
  • feeling in my flow with the work, facilitating others’ potential and innate gifts
  • being able to go to the shops and get food
  • going out with loved ones to a restaurant – laughing, sharing, eating
  • small oxytocin fest with my Love before the end of the day

And so today. It’s a highly significant time. Tomorrow is 11/11, marking 100 years since the end of WW1. My heart is full. I’ve been (like everyone) full of tears about these days and the recollection of grievous loss of precious life. I am open to change. I am open to learning. I am ready to walk through tomorrow’s gateway with a firm intention to detach from my Old, and embrace my/our/the collective New. Now is the time. These are the days.

I had a powerful session reading Reality Transurfing this morning. Perfectly, sadly, it touched on the subject of alcohol today. Look at this brilliant assessment:

‘Alcohol is pure energy. When you drink alcohol you get energy on credit. Alcohol induced euphoria is like an energy advance and the subsequent hangover the return {repayment} with interest. You always have to give back more than you borrowed. Pendulums never give away energy for free without profiting somehow from the transaction.’  (p592 Reality Transurfing)

Yes, I really resonate with the idea that alcohol is a ‘pendulum’ that lends you energy and then takes it back with interest – either as a hangover, or just by having stolen your mental energy and time, which otherwise you could have used to meet your actual goals of the heart (eg. being with family, completing your work for the day).  Zeland adds tobacco, coffee, tea and even chewing gum into this category – any substance which appears to give a quickly-delivered burst of comfort. energy,  relief or euphoria. And then this:

‘Positive energy is never emitted in such large quantities.’ p594.

Yes! Let’s say it again for emphasis…!

‘Positive energy is never emitted in such large quantities’ [as are delivered, in bursts, by negative energy sources, like alcohol]

Indeed! Meditation, qigong, walking, breathing exercises…. all take time, patience, trust…before gently, subtly, the benefit is softly delivered…. the uplift occurs gently…. Maybe this is why I’m reticent to give the time required to the healthy activities. My dopamine-grabbing brain is just loving the burst-delivery mechanisms!

So how to spring ourselves free of the dependency on the little ‘bursts’ of energy we come to crave…? Zeland writes: 

‘All dependency arises because the arrow of attention has been caught in the pendulum’s noose. In order to “come off the needle” you have to switch your attention to something else. Will power is rarely enough to free yourself from the noose in the same way that you can only get a song out of your head when you switch to a different tune. A harmful habit is as a rule accompanied by a specific script and set of scenery…. There is only one way to pay off all your debts and walk away from the grievous bank: change the script and scenery. If is not difficult to do, you just have to do it and then apply a little imagination.’ (RT p596)

I knew immediately what that meant for me: to switch my attention, as a matter of priority, from my current (professional/personal/speaking in the world) themes of ‘mental health (aka illness)’, addiction, death and dying, suicide prevention, disability, welfare systems, loneliness…. to the positive opposite: healthy living, wellness, human potential! 

Well, I instantly felt my toes curl… I can’t go out into the world talking about ‘health, wellness and human potential’! (I can even hear myself saying it in a mocking voice..!) And noting this took me straight back to a few pages earlier in RT (p581-583), when I had been struck by the reminder of the rules  of pendulums, which Zeland notes the Indigos (like me) came to push against and to hold themselves to the rule of the transurfing:

  1. Pendulums’ rule is: “If you want to survive, do as I do” (CONFORM)
  2. Transurfing rule: “Be yourself, and allow others to do the same.” (BE TRUE / FOLLOW YOUR BLISS  / As a bright student said yesterday, ‘Find out what you love to do and then keep doing more of it.’)

Well, the part of me that recoils from ‘talking about health, wellness and human potential’ is the part of me which recoils from Pendulums – and gets round the sadness of not following my bliss by using substances for energy burst. On the other hand, the part of me that wants to talk about health, wellness and human potential, is the part which is being swept up warmly into the Alternatives flow, happily, naturally and… without (egoic?) resistance.

[I have a friend who was super-cool and maybe somewhat aloof at school. A few years ago, I became aware via social media, she had opened a beauty therapy business. That was so out of conformity with the norms of our previously shared intellectually-snobbish world. I wondered how she had found the courage to face down everyone’s presumed snobbishness?! I recalled that maybe she had addiction issues along the way? Anyway, clearly, something powerful had happened for her to bust out of our collective consciousness (or unconsciousness)  and be herself. I have been heartened by watching her revel more and more in her work and art and skills and business online. Meanwhile the civilised elite, sit at home chafing against the callings of their one true heart…. ]

So. Time to bring it all together for today. There’s work to be done!

The ‘switch’ mechanism. Can you play with that today? 

I guess so. In what way?

Switching attention is best done accompanied by embodied action. So can you practise ‘switching’ by moving into a different activity and mode physically? Get used to the feeling of getting energy by positive action, rather than by knocking back substances such as coffee, alcohol, tea, chocolate, food for quick bursts of energy. 

So often when I teach mental health and ask people how they look after their own wellbeing they laugh (note the giveaway) about running purely on coffee, cakes, biscuits! Ho ho… feed the pendulums, why don’t we?!

Softly. Switching out of the ‘quick fix’ pattern needs compassion to self and other. 

So are you asking me to kind of zig zag in terms of what I do today? What about rebranding myself…? I’d like to say I work in ‘health, wellness and human potential’ and suck up the pendulum-shocks.

Softly, sweet one. Just get agile at switching activity, without hesitation or deviation. Train your brain to follow your will. 

I’ve got lots of writing / work to do today, at the laptop

The Pomodoro Technique
The Pomodoro Technique

Perfect practice ground. Use the Pomodoro technique to mix up activities. You will find that you get used to wrenching yourself out of the head-zone, and it becomes easier. And then 20 minutes at the laptop is used efficiently, because you know it’s only 20 minutes. And then you’re up, to run round the block for 20 minutes, or call a friend for 20 minutes, or … well, as much as possible, use the next 20 minutes to ‘give yourself a break from the benefits of civilisation (p597). Then work again… 20:20:20… 20 mins of laptop… 20 mins of something uncivilised / simple  / chopwoodcarrywater … and repeat. 

You wanted to switch your attention human potential. Here’s your first lesson. 🙂 

Haha. Ok! I hear you. Sounds crunchy and inconvenient and possibly brilliant!

There we go. Lift off – with naturally-induced energy, not fuelled by fixation / caffeine / heart-dodging. Welcome to health and wellness. 

I’ve had a look at the Pomodoro website – and this video

  1. How many pomodoros required for an activity? Learn to estimate accurately..
  2. Protect your pomodoro time
  3. Use part of your pomodoro times for recap and review

Pomodoro times are 25 mins, plus break = 2 per hour

We are suggesting you focus on Switching Attention – so shorts bursts of 20 mins on a roll. It may be that you are effectively going Work / Break / Work / Break. That is find. This is what we are suggesting you do. 

Then I shall! I’ll set my alarm for 20 mins and just keep resetting it. Let’s see how we go…

Today I am practising Switching Attention.

Hm… I’m suddenly imagining that mastering Switching Attention is actually a really good way to refine Holding Attention.. Right?! Let’s see. It’s 12.15. I’ll start at 12.20pm. I think I had a dream about this a few years ago… 

Softly. Softly. Rest in awareness. This is a gentle discipline, not an obstacle race… 

Got it.

 

********************

Meditation:

MEDITATION? 5 mins

Exercise:

EXERCISE? YES! 2 x bursts of 10 minute trots! 

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? NO

MORNING: My muesli; coffee and cream; chicken soup, spinach, raw celery, pate

AFTERNOON: Indian takeaway box from supermarket; organic red wine

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – Saturday rules

Screens off:   /       Lights out: 12.30

Wake up the next day:       8             Total sleep: 7h

 

Posted on

MEDS Day 39: Today I am practising inner softness

What did I learn from my “Namaste, Teacher” exercise?:

  • I am prone to playing ‘innocent student’ to the ‘teacher-other’ in front of me – which is advantageous in that my learning is heightened, but perhaps creates a dynamic which is unhelpful for both…?
  • We are all actually eternal ‘teacher-students’
  • Real teachers fly ‘under the radar’ (and over the rainbow)
  • Teachers are humble / simple
  • LTB in Navigating Dimensions (p183)  writes (in caps!): IF YOU WISH TO LEARN (REMEMBER) BECOME A TEACHER
  • I understood my mind/ego wants to “exalt/demean” the teacher avatar (flick-flack nature of ego); my higher self, on the other hand, just wants to participate in the work of teaching/sharing/encouraging others, simply, humbly, quietly, under the radar

And today, a quiet weekend day with my Love, my inclination is simply to practice inner softness.

The visualisation I see is an image of gently adding feathers to my inner space, one by one, with the breath. I know my inner being’s natural state is softness. My intention for the day is to slough off some of the tension of the week, and return to the natural state.

Today I am practising inner softness

********************

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION?  NO…

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – 2h gentle walk in the valley with G

#STEPS: 8400

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? NO

MORNING: Coffee, Breakfast of Giants (sausages, rice, egg, bacon)

EVENING: Restaurant – Pork, Mash, Veg, Cider, Pork scratchings

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – late night Sat

Screens off:    n/a      Lights out: 12.30

Wake up the next day:         8.30           Total sleep: 8h
Posted on

MEDS Day 32: Today I am letting go

NDE

The Breathing project is one I will need to keep working with. I realised yesterday, sometimes, I go without breathing! I think it had become worse because I had a cold for a fortnight or so. But really…. I will do well to really work with this over time. (As Mum always said, “Keep breathing in and breathing out!”)

With beautiful synchronicity, the first person I met at lunch yesterday, at the conference on the Value of Death, was a woman wanting to become an EOL Doula, who currently is a health research academic, and a yoga/breath teacher, wanting to bring her breath work to people at the end of life. I wanted to ask her more about the breath work… but really I know what the answer is: it’s about doing more practice of yoga, and qigong, and yogic breathing. This woman spoke beautifully about the unity of mind and body attained through yoga, allowing one to become quiet enough internally to get closer to those unseen, unknown dimensions. This was in conversation with a professor of Healing, who spoke about his research with ‘white witches’ and healers, people who simply seem to have better access to the unseen, integrated realms… Yes, if I can remind and reassure myself that healthy breathing is about (or offers a route towards) integrating one’s vision with the unseen world, I think I’ll have the motivation to overcome the discomfort that arises when one starts the practice! I know what my inner heart is looking for…

I’ve had a beautiful morning just reading Reality Transurfing (p545-574). There is so much there, especially on relationships, on ‘pendulums’ and on conflict. Here is the tiniest nutshell summary of what I surmised this morning, and would like to remember, in my words, not Vadim Zeland’s:

  1. Give what you would get (Frailing rule – let go of the intention to receive, & replace it with the intention to give; we are all seeking self-worth)
  2. Live and let live (Transurfing rule – reject the pendulum rule of ‘Do as I do’; be authentic and let others be authentic too; never try to change someone; drop importance)

I reflected on how I had separated myself from mainstream expectations in many ways, not on philosophical grounds, but because of my inability to tolerate certain arenas of life (eg of mainstream workplaces) and because excessive jazz-handing had brought me such strong ‘balanced forces’ (eg breakdown), but that nonetheless I haven’t fully walked away from the edge of the arenas, or owned my own truth at full expression… How better can I work with the Give and Live principles I state above, in order to better connect to the intention of my heart?

Your reality is constantly a reflection of your relationship to your heart and it’s intention. When you feel like you are straining, it is because you are walking in the opposite direction to your heart’s intention. You can get quite addicted to that straining sensation, and mistake it for the feeling of Working Hard. Only, the heart doesn’t seek to Work Hard. The forces of opposition are those that lead you to believe the illusion that hard work leads to freedom. Learn, dear one, to associate ‘Straining’ with the fact that you are thus walking in the opposite direction of the way of your heart. 

I genuinely feel that if I didn’t strain and hustle I would never get my work off the ground.

Lo ves? If you are honest, would you not admit that the best elements of your work have come to you indirectly, rather than as a direct result of your straining? In fact, we would even say that they have come to you ‘in spite of’ your straining. 

But all the teachings say 1) intend 2) act.

Many of the teachings will tell you that the ‘acting’ should feel affirming of the ‘prayer answered’. Sometimes you might make the request for, say, ‘a castle’, and then start earnestly digging the soil in the wilderness to excavate your own stone… 

Whereas you would suggest…?

Going for a stroll, so that you might stumble upon the castle. 

Ah. I see.

It’s about trust, isn’t it? Trust that we don’t have to do it all ourselves. Not ‘desperately hoping’ or ‘prayerfully willing it’… It’s about the poised sense of trust. Breathing through the arising sensations, with an underlying trust. 

I do have a tendency to try to control my reality. With efforting, jazz-handing, straining…

And your diligence is noted, loved, appreciated and adored, dear soul. Well done for all your steadfastness and stalwartness! 

And now we are here to tell you that physics (quantum physics) works differently to the way you think it does. When you pour your energy (diligence) into the system, you are not in fact stoking the flames of the steam engine boiler, as you think you are doing. In fact, you are creating ‘noise in the system’, dissonance, disruption, contestation, excess potential. You are creating leaks in the energy loops – energetic hernias, if you like. You are busting the gut of the system. You are blowing the gaskets of the internal engines. 

The true manifester of progress must lean back, lean out, like the sailor on the catamaran. This is trust. This is Gandhi meditating because there is so much to do. This is Churchill spending his wartime mornings in the bath. This is the seed spending time enough in the ground to put down roots. This is the tap root hitting the well of spring water.

‘Be still and know that you are God.’ 

Yes, trust. Trust in…?

Goodness. Wellness. Your self. The pure potential in every cell. The universe and its love for you. 

Without my straining.

Exactly. And instead, letting go of control of the script or the plan… Let go, let go, let go. Give when you would get. Be true to yourself, and let others do likewise. Trust, on the wings of faith. 

Ok, today I’ll work on the sensation of ‘letting go’. I’ll note when I’m straining, or trying to control the script, or efforting, or trying to pump-prime the system (and actually flooding it).  I’ll work softly with the tipping-over feelings of ‘vertigo’ that arise when I let go. Thank you. I am so grateful for these dialogues.

Nice. When you are appreciative of, or grateful for, something, you release control, even if for a second. You cannot ‘be grateful’ and ‘in control’ at the same time. So, you can always call on ‘appreciation’ to assist you in letting do today. Think of Abraham-Hicks’ ‘rampage of appreciation’ – that is a good game to play for getting in the ‘letting go’ mode.

Awesome. Thank you. <3 <3 <3

Today I am letting go

****

A reminder arose later on in the day, from this NDE account by Jason Henry on Medium: https://medium.com/s/near-death-experiences/my-friend-choked-me-out-i-had-to-make-a-choice-4a3f44d914f6 (see images below).

The story reminded me that dying is essentially the enforced letting go of those old illusory reins on reality, and finding that all you were chafing for was always already resolved. Everything was always perfect. It was the human holding-on-to-control (or straining to achieve that impossible thing) that was the barrier between heaven and not. So…. the act of consciously letting go of the reins is a way towards sensing that bliss of release into perfection that people report at death. You’re dying to the old to be born to the new. Heaven is a place on Earth, as Belinda Carlisle wisely asserted.

?

****************

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? NO

#STEPS – very few

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO 

DRY today? NO

MORNING: My muesli, moussaka & veg & sauerkraut

EVENING: Chicken, chips & beans (restaurant), V&DC, red wine, cider… (?!)

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – Sat night..

Screens off:    12      Lights out: 12

Wake up the next day:         8.30           Total sleep: 8h
Posted on

MEDS Day 25: Today I am reaching for deep peace

‘Leading from the Internal Rest Point’ felt nice yesterday. On the journey to my training gig, I was at about 60% anxiety with panic symptoms in my chest area. But I could get busy just watching it, and singing it out in the car. I prayed along the way that today I would forget about my self, and be a channel for whatever would inspire and help and serve the participants on our course.

In the event, the training gig was priceless: we spent an hour setting the room up to perfection, only to be told at 4 minutes to kick-off, that actually, the person looking after us had accidentally taken us to the wrong room. Sixty people were waiting for us in a different room, in the next building…. We then had to rush and rally and cope with so much ‘chaos ensuing’ that actually, once we got going with the training (a miraculous 12 minutes later), reaching in for the IRP  felt like reconnecting with a welcome pool of sanity. I could see my urge to push / control / over-exude arising, and when I thought of the IRP, the words, “Yes, have faith…” came to mind and I re-centred.

The result? I think I gave a better. more coherent training. I was more present, more connected, more inspired by the moment, less hooked to process, more in flow with the opportunities arising from the participation of the delegates.

What could be achieved by a regular reconnection with deep peace? My sweetheart is teaching me about stopping at weekends again. I’m watching today how, after an extremely ‘contracted’ couple of weeks, if one can bear the unravelling, jittery discomfort of ‘de-contracting’, the notion of a safe, sensible, healthy, productive ‘re-contraction’ on Monday seems feasible. But yes, you’ve got to breathe out to be able to breathe in. I would love an annual full de-contraction, for a week, like a qigong retreat.

‘The Battle Is Over’ and ‘Zero Importance’ are two excellent concepts I am learning from Reality Transurfing. Equally, the idea that you can lift merely the little finger of outer intention to point to that which you would do, be or have. What more can I learn today on these themes?

The theme of deep peace was your starting point. Do you know what you mean by ‘deep peace’?

No, not entirely.

Deep peace is a state of complete non-resistance. 

Aha. How is it attained? Should one dip into it, or seek to live in it.

Deep peace is like fondue cheese. You dip yourself (the bread) into it, and the cheese sticks…. for a while, before the bulk of it slides off. It’s viscous; you can coat yourself in it, and absorb some of it. But you need to keep dipping in to the fondue pot. 

Which is meditation, right?

And other practices. 

Like?

Love. Service. Compassion. 

Aha. Aren’t they ‘activities’, outward-facing, requiring some exertion (which is resistance, no?)?

Activities of ‘service to others’ (STO) carried out for self, require resistance. STO in its true spirit is vivifying, uplifting, peace-giving.

Nu?

Death and dying. People need STO there. 

Ah.. Yes. I need your help. Is that… within my work? Is it voluntary work? I don’t want to be another person knocking around the dying, getting under foot.

You are a conversationalist. That is required. 

Yes. The Dialogues for End of Life.  My ‘Go In Peace’ Project.

Think not of the commercial framework. Please. Just do it. 

Psychopompery. It makes me feel scared. And sad. And alive. And like I’m yearning.

It is impossibly difficult work in this era, and yet entirely vital. You are not called to usher souls over, but to help them reach peace in their human relationships before they go. 

How?

Dialogues of Discernment. 

Amen. So, I pray to be guided and gifted and received… Help me.

Lift the little finger of outer intention, dear friend. That is all it takes.

And then follow prompts. That is really all it takes. 

And money and stuff?? In my life, I mean. This focus on earning….

Energy exchanges with like value. 

Yes, that makes sense. And so, today?

Reach for that deep peace of which you spoke. 

Ok. I will. Bless you. Bless these dialogues. I am so grateful for them. (Can’t quite believe we’re doing them ‘in public’ but it is seeming to add something new.) All is good and perfect and well and blessed. Thank you for my learning. Now…. ‘Deep peace is a state of complete non-resistance.’ Breathing out…. Decontracting… Trusting…

I am reaching for deep peace

********************

Meditation:

/

Exercise:

Gentle walk in autumn sunshine (1 hour) – still got a cold so just gentle.

Diet:

Coffee with cream. Sausages, rice, egg.

Evening: restaurant! – pork belly, mash, veg, cider

Sleep:

Screens off: 12

Lights out: 12

Wake up the next day: 7am

Total sleep: 7h

********************

Posted on

MEDS Day 18: Today I am powering up

Today I am powering up.

Oh my word! What happened this week?!

Monday: In Spain, for the final farewell to the family home… and flight back to UK. Fall in to bed at 1am.

Tuesday: Up and out by 8.30am. Delivering training to the senior leadership team of a luxury hotel. They give me lunch in their beautiful brasserie to say thank you. I crawl home, cancel evening plans and collapse into bed.

Wednesday: Up and out by 8.30am. I run the morning section of a day of training for HR professionals, to mark World Mental Health Day. On the side, my daughter’s been interviewed for a popular national BBC radio station, on why she (and young people in general) drink very little. She cites her mother’s drinking as inspiration for her not to drink… Crikey. I head off to a music jam session in the evening, with my sweetheart.

Thursday: Go and meet my Job Coach at the Job Centre, for the bimonthly check-in necessary to claim the Universal Credit benefits which have supported my working while I recuperate from a period of physical and mental ill health. I’m ashamed to turn up without a sick note for the first time. I try to blame my GP practice changing hands – the lovely Job Coach tells me her parents use the same practice… Ehem. (The fact is, that I’ve been in overwhelm for weeks and failed to find or use the new number for the practice…)

I walk on through town towards my office (I have free access to an amazing co-working hub, as one of their business incubation residents). I pass a curious scene – a Hari Krishna type guy scans the busy street for someone to pounce on with his book offering and request for donations. Today I deftly put my head down and avoid eye contact. He spots a different target and goes for her – a middle aged women clutching her bag to her. She says “no, thank you” several times, and eventually, “Please, no, I’ve just received the most awful news.” And yet, eyes now glistening with this new piece of information…he goes in again!  I step over and square up to him wordlessly… The woman and I exchange glances and she heads quickly off. Realisation: in the moments we are our most vulnerable and shocked and low on energy, psychic vampires can see us a mile off and they target us and we have very little psychic power to fend them off. It’s so important to learn to power up energetically, however we can, especially when life is tough, because vulnerability attracts predators. It’s a really sad fact, and one I’d have denied years ago… but I have lived it so very much. People smell vulnerability and it brings out something sick (or at the very least, dismissive/ uncaring/ judgmental) in way too many people.. In fact, I think, in most people.  We humans seem to be programmed to recoil from (and even seek to feed off) those in need. 

At my office half an hour later, hoping earnestly to get to the things on my list from two weeks ago when I darted off to Spain at short notice to help with the move, I receive a phone call. It’s the Citizens’ Advice Bureau, specifically the case worker who has been working on helping me receive the correct benefits for the last few months. He tells me they’ve just received a call from the BBC requesting help finding someone local to interview on the current hot topic of Universal Credit, for the national evening news. The BBC’s (famous) Deputy Political Editor is on the train, arriving in the city shortly. Could the CAB put me forward, I am asked? I say yes. Half an hour later a producer calls for a chat – and it sounds like I’m probably not quite what they are looking for, but she’ll call me back later. I relax and go back to work. Another 30 minutes later at my desk, my phone goes again: “Hello, this is [BBC Deputy Political Editor]. Could you tell me your story…? Uhuh…… Could you be at your house in 20 minutes for an interview?” I get a hasty media-training briefing from my (ex-BBC) business mentor at my office and jump in a taxi. When I arrive at my house, the interviewer, and crew of two, bundle into the house with me. They’ve invented some ruse about placing a camera in my ’empty fridge’ and how I will be filmed fishing out a lone milk bottle from said fridge, and pouring milk in our mugs of tea before a cosy chat. Fine. Cliched beyond reckoning but fine.

What’s less fine is that, though the interviewer and I had had quite a nuanced conversation on the phone, he has now scripted two sentences that fit his story, and that’s all he wants me to say. They ran like this:

  1. ‘There was a 6 week wait for the first payment, and I had to take a loan – I’ve never caught up.’
  2. ‘Any money I scrape together from working part-time gets pretty much taken off my benefits, and the money I do get just about covers my rent – it’s really tough.’

We do a couple of takes and it’s a wrap. It’s now 3.30pm and they have to film a street scene in town, and edit the whole piece and send it to London for the Six O’Clock News… They’ve gone. And I’m at home wondering what hurricane just passed through my day.

When it goes out on the BBC News at Six, I watch in astonishment, thinking what have I done?!  I’m wodged in there, as the hard-up housewife in the suburbs, between interviews with the Tory Home Secretary, the ex-Prime Minister and the Opposition Leader… I console myself that a) I put out some bold messages on social media ‘owning’ the piece before it went out, and b) “Who watches the News at Six any more?!”

My sweetheart comes over and we process it all together. Messages start to come in. What I don’t know at this stage, and won’t til the next day as I’ll be asleep on the sofa by 9pm tonight, is that the segment will also go out in the lead story on the BBC News at Ten. Which, yes, people do watch.

Friday: Wake up to some 40 messages (mostly from my astonished and supportive siblings) and the news that I was on the News at Ten too. I try to get on with my day… But to be honest, I’m feeling completely knocked out…

Saturday: Today. Reflection time. So, dear Heart of my Being, wtf…? How on earth did I manifest this particular week? Day? Life? What am I invited to learn from it? I am so very much aiming to simplify my life. Why is it ever more complex and way-out?

Excess potential. Reality Transurfing teaches that if you pour too much energy (effort, importance, attention) in to anything, you create ‘excess potential’ which invites and summons ‘balancing forces’. 

I think of it as too much electricity in a circuit and the switch tripping to divert the excess…

And to protect the system. This is why a church spire has a lightning rod. Should it attract lightning, being the highest object around, it can easily ground the electrical charge. 

Ah. Grounding. Right? This is why I need to do qigong, to discharge excess potential, to ground the electrical charge into the earth…. Why don’t I? Am I addicted to having my systems fried and on fire? (‘Slow down, you’re going too fast; you’ve got to make the morning last..’)

It’s not so very much about the grounding or discharging of energy, as it’s about the gathering and directing of energy. 

Like a kung fu master?

Like a qigong master. 

Aha. Yes. How can I gather and direct energy better? How can I CEASE to be the ‘vulnerable’ one who attracts predators, who allows herself to be the patsy picked for telly…?

Hang on. The national media coverage you had this week was not about making a victim of you, or even for the ‘healthy dose of public shaming’… But it was about ego purification. Don’t underestimate the gifts therein. 

Back to the energy conversation. We’ve talked about electric circuits and energy flow. Try thinking today about batteries: charging them up, or better, think about powering up the batteries. 

Yes. This is the heart of the MEDS Project! If I Get This Right, I can foster enough power in me that I shift into a different paradigm energetically.

A couple of years ago, the idea of being a poster girl for welfare claimants would have horrified me. But, it happened, and the world has not ended. In fact, I feel somehow freed from the compulsion to mask/pretend to the world that

a) everything is fine

b) I’m a self-sufficient professional

c) my health is fine…

There is permission to be more authentic, however complex, unexpected and far from societal approbation the reality has turned out to be. And in owning one’s truth, one stands in sovereignty, and one’s apparent conditions do not lend themselves to that ‘vulnerability’ that the predators seem to feast upon.

Tell me about powering up the batteries.

These are matters you know about. Find the will to have. Find the determination, the pure intention, the calm desire to attain / magnetise / reach out and take… the means. Ponder on the meaning of ‘powering up’. Rest with this phrase for a couple of days. No rush to move past this one. Ok? 

Yes. Thank you. Very much. I like this. Amen.

Today I am powering up.

 

********************

Meditation:

15 mins silent breathing with a timer

Exercise:

None… :/

Diet:

Brunch: Coffee with cream. Leftovers from supper(s).

Evening: Amazing dinner at my dearest friends’ house after an evening at the theatre – Salmon, veg, salad, sweet potato fries, chocolate brownie, wine…

Sleep:

Screens off: 1am

Lights out: 1am

Wake up the next day: 7.45am

Total sleep: c6.30h

 

********************