MEDS Day 54: I am still practising Inner Softness

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

  • beautiful singing workshop – the learning, the sharing with friends, the music, the day with my Love
  • the closeness, the cosiness, the comfort of an evening together
  • watching some of the classic Sat night programmes plus…
  • watching The Bodyguard…

When practising Inner Softness, suddenly, as if by magic, I can visualise a softer future too. When I’m in a pinched state, I can only really picture a pinched future – which is then surely what I’m actively creating for myself…

I also realise this:

Inner Softness is the precursor to Inner Strength

As I soften inside, I open space, I become more aware of what’s going on inside me… And then I can find my core strength; I can drop anchor.

On other matters: The Bodyguard film. Oh. My. Word. Watching it again (from c15 mins in, to the end), I realise how very much it had ‘imprinted’ on me, not just in 1992 when it came out, but over the years that followed when the Bodyguard soundtrack was one of about 3 tapes I played on a loop in my car.

The Bodyguard
The Bodyguard

This is hard to convey, but I really realise now, how (as an impressionable, romantic and Aspie teenager) to a certain degree I absorbed and internalised what I can only describe as ‘expectations’ or ‘assumptions’ about how a relationship… no, be honest, how a man would behave towards a woman in a healthy relationship: noble, protective, grounded, self-disciplined… Those expectations were then confounded in my early adulthood – and I was so shocked, devastated, disorientated! I share this very much in the framework of my growing understanding of my Asperger’s – and the various ways I framed relationships, and representations of femininity and masculinity, against maps I had watched elsewhere. The other relationship map I had watched was my parents’. In sum, I brought to my relationships expectations which may or may not have figured in the least with the person I was with.

But here’s the thing. Startlingly, years down the line, I find myself in a beautiful, life-affirming, joyful relationship with someone who is indeed noble, protective, grounded, self-disciplined. Man alive, he even looks like Kevin Costner. But more handsome. I got this shock to my system, as I looked over at him, while the film rolled on. Like, somehow, the dream of my earlier years had played itself out, in and across time?

Why is this relevant? Because the ‘dream’ only began to fall into place as I learnt to master my inner state, my emotional patterns, my mental balance. I only met someone so kind and caring once I had committed to be kind and caring to myself.



EXERCISE? YES! Great walk out from the town  (2h) + Movements class (2h)

#STEPS – 13000! 


DRY today? YES! <3

11am Sausages&rice

5pm Roast lunch at carvery


Screens off:          Lights out:

Wake up the next day:                    Total sleep:


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