MEDS Day 99: Today I am in Tourist Mode

The Resounding Yes and the Firm No: this game has been the beginning of a beautiful practice. It had made me remember that when I was a young child I operated very much in two modes only:

  • Neutral, open, observing mode
  • “Ooh, I like that” mode

I remember clearly coming out of an art house play at the Bristol Old Vic with my Dad (I was maybe 9?) and hearing people criticise the play. I recall the feeling of astonishment… Why would someone come out of their homes to have the extraordinary experience of watching people doing something crazy, original and unique in a darkened room… only to speaking poorly of their own experience after? It seemed such a waste. I knew even then (maybe having grown up in a tiny hamlet without access to much culture) that what we’d experienced was outrageously out of the usual. Wasn’t that enough? Why impose a view? Why need to drop into some kind of ‘I’m better than the brave wonder I’ve just witnessed’ mode? I guess I was witnessing people’s ego at work, and my fresh young mind could see it for the yucky diminishing joy-sucker that the ego is…. before I myself fell into that judgment mode out of the inertia of mimicry a mere few years later.

But what about a conscious return to that gentle open, observing mode of: watch, watch, watch, oooh I like that, watch, watch, oh heck yes!, watch, watch… I sensed some of that yesterday. G and I are on a Weekend Away. Yes! What bliss. I could feel, as the cares of the working week ebbed away, the clear sense of “Everything is unfolding wonderfully” as we pootled about as tourists in a state of ‘watch watch ooh yes watch watch wow watch watch I like that watch…’

The tourist mode.

Yes! I was in tourist mode! Is that what we want to bring to daily life? It is, isn’t it? No need to weigh up, judge, critique, cast opinion, hedge, impress, jazzhand, be smart, impose one’s self…

The Tourist Mode is most certainly your most ‘allowing’ state. It surely is your ‘receptive’ mode. Because you bring a state of relaxed, open awareness, while leaning into appreciation. The tourist is looking for things to snapshot in a state of appreciation.

I love that. Yes, so true. When we’re tourists we’re in wonderland. Everything is new, and there to delight and invite us.

The same goes for daily life. It is wonderland, there to delight and invite. The opportunity is to see the constant newness in the seemingly familiar.

What do you mean by that?

When you think you know what is at hand, think again. Bring an open perspective. Keep the sense of being a tourist, even in your own home.


By nurturing your sense of wonder. In that theatre when you were a child, you were Alice in Wonderland. The ‘hoighty-toity’ critics were the Queen of Hearts casting judgment (“Off with their heads!”) or even the White Rabbit hastening on through to some ‘other’ more important date or destination.

In daily life it is easy to be focussed on some White Rabbit-esque destination that is simply ‘not where we are’… “I’m late! I’m late, for a very important date!” There is no place or time more important and pressing than right here, right now… That is what we forget in daily life.

It’s almost like you’re saying we should eliminate goals, targets, appointments… How would we grow, or get stuff done, or earn our livings?

By resting.

Hm, what now?

By resting. Were you to rest in the present as much as you rushed to the important date, you would achieve all you want to achieve.

Controversial, my friends. I’ve tried that…

No you haven’t. Not really. When you stopped working, were you satisfied with your decision? When you admitted you needed rest, did you bask in that rest?

A little bit. I learnt to a little bit.

Excellent. So now it’s time to learn more of that. Your ‘Firm No’ – does it include saying ‘No’ to events which exhaust you?

I thought we were here to go watch watch ooh yes watch watch…

How about: watch watch no watch watch ooh yes watch no thank you…

Does the tourist say no?

If she didn’t she might fall off the pier or the cliff edge. She is not a lemming. She remains discerning.

Aha. So it’s Resounding Yes and Firm No, in Tourist Mode?

Tourist Mode is simply open appreciation of what is. Tourist Mode is looking out for the best, while keeping an eye out for safe boundaries. Tourist Mode is aligning with the most beautiful things as you come to them, and snapshotting yourself right there. Tourist Mode is about sharing the journey with fellow tourists and exchanging tips for best experiences and travel hacks. Tourist Mode is appreciating the wonders of the landscapes, towns and villages that locals might even take for granted (but truth be told, usually don’t). Tourist Mode is going slowly enough to take it all in. Tourist Mode is about pointing out beauty, wonders, astonishing sights, marvels and new understandings. Tourist Mode is about feeling alive and being ‘tuned in, tapped in, turned on’ (as Abraham-Hicks would say) to the moment, to the place, to the opportunity to bask in what is. Tourist Mode is about pacing ourselves so we don’t bust a gut or lose energy for more explorations.

Exploration. That’s such a good word. May I bring a sense of exploration to my days. May I put binoculars round my neck and a magnifying glass in my pocket, each day, whether in new places or the apparently familiar. May I treat each moment as an instance in Wonder Land, for it most surely is. Awaken my eyes, my mind and my heart to the wonders of my daily life.

Your Heart is fully awake to this already.

Then may it teach, guide and lead forward my eyes and mind. May my Heart be the Tour Guide to my days.

Your Heart most surely accompanies you, and invites you on its magical tour, daily.

Then may I get into Tourist Mode and follow the raised umbrella of my Tour Guide Heart more faithfully and ever more attentively each day.

Today I am in Tourist Mode


PS. G reminded me later of the concept of ‘Holiday Consciousness‘ by Colin Wilson. It’s Level 5/7 in the stairway upwards, the point where life becomes self-evidently delightful, life a spring morning… just before we reach the level of life reconciling itself with us…. Lovely.

I’ve had an explore of Colin Wilson and have ordered his book Super Consciousness. It’s on ‘peak experience‘… those levels 5..6..7. I’m interested. Maybe this is my next topic of enquiry after MEDS….

MEDS Day 94: Today I am helping myself

Here I am, playing in the Garden of Eden. This is me, in Eden, and all is well. This is me, here I am, here I am and this is me, in Eden, playing…” What a calming, affirming, soothing, delightful commentary on my days this has been over the last few days.

At one point, as we hastened to the venue of a mediation meeting, I thought of my colleague mediator, the highly experienced solicitor and mediator who had invited me to co-mediate with her: ‘She has given me such wonderful opportunities to develop as a mediator, ever since I met her. She really is an angel in my life.’ And two seconds later, she nodded up to the church directly opposite the front door of the venue, and said, “Ooh, angels!” We’d never spoken in these terms before. What a confirmation, of the friendship, but also the notion of our being in a heaven on Earth according to our perceptions. 

My perception of my world is key. I can look at the same vista or circumstance and say “This is hell” or “This is heaven” – and be right. To proclaim ‘heaven’ in any circumstance is to be free on a belief in the apparent ‘conditions’ of reality. It is to sense the presence of perfection, the motion towards completion, the invitation to pour in love… in that and every moment.

It is noted that you are getting better at prayerful communication. 

I am trying to. I am returning to this. My prayers are different these days. Less hapless supplication. More trusting declaration and invitation. My frame of mind is different. My connection upwards is more vividly visualised, partly from the qigong work in which one practises visualising an energetic connection with a source above one’s head. What more can I learn on the topic of prayerful communication?

It is wise to be patient with oneself and not to reach out too frequently, but to be really specific, targeted and humbly reticent in seeking divine assistance. This way we do not dilute our days with ‘dribbling’ prayer, but we summon communicative energy and deploy it carefully. Our faith is increased when we see direct impact on the objects of our prayers. 

So you’re saying, take one thing in your day and pray about it, and then watch that single thing evolve…. rather than take a prayer scatter gun to your day.

It’s about the ‘target slide’ or the ‘clear intention’. Your ‘single aim’ is the leverage for understanding how thought creates things and circumstances. But lightly done! As ever, lightly done. No effort, importance, slapping of hands on the water. We gently ‘take’ instead of pleading emotionally. We are learning to deploy thought carefully and with ‘aim’. We ‘help ourselves’. 

Interesting concept: ‘we help ourselves’. Of course two meanings: assist ourselves and take things for ourselves (as in, ‘help yourself to biscuits’). I love that.

I’m helping myself to quiet time.

I’m helping myself to an ordered house.

I’m helping myself to better pay.

I’m helping myself to rest after a busy week.

I’m helping myself to get dressed and start the day.

I’m helping myself to a Sunday lunch.

And what’s on the target slide? 

Ah. What’s the end aim..? I see myself able to do the things I want to do, according to my personal credo of ‘We can all be happy’. I’m helping myself to time to write, mediate, share, communicate, write, mediate, meditate, share communicate, exercise, play, play, play.

So is it a case of learning to reach out, and help myself from the banquet of delights before me?

Feast or famine of opportunity is an inside job. Attending the Feast as either guest or server, is an inside job. Feeling free to help oneself from the buffet, is an inside job. Knowing the banquet has been laid on for us all, is an inside job. Reach out. Help yourself to the goodness before you. It has all been laid out for general public consumption. Are you alive, here, today, on the physical plane? Well then. All choice, rich pickings, delights, opportunities, goodnesses and treats are there for you to help yourself too. And they won’t run out. Welcome to the Garden of Eden. Help yourself. 


Precious child, there is no Tree of Knowledge. You were duped by that ruse. All is abundance. All is creative juice. All is Love. And Love is endless and without condition. Welcome to the Garden of Eden. Help yourself. 

Got it. Thank you for this. And may I share this sense of abundance with the guests we have to stay today. And with all with whom I come into contact this week. May my prayerful communication centre on this playful, appreciative, fun practice today and beyond:

Today I am helping myself

MEDS Day 91: Today I am hearing my heart better, now and now and now

Feeling the feeling of “Lucky me!”-in-my-heart is such a subtle practice. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m bringing my ‘feeling’ heart online. Curiously, on the day of my last post, recommending working with feeling the feeling of “Lucky me!”-in-my-heart, a stranger approached me and told me I had a ‘white heart’. What is this business with the heart? What is a heart-centred life? I’m being prompted, by circumstances, to take a leap of courage with my professional life in the coming few days. Can a heart-centred approach give me that courage? And is the leap more about courage, or surrender?

Dear soul, on this occasion, your surrendered state is not required. You are invited to hold immense poise, and raise your head up, above the parapet – yes, to the air which you have believed to be rife with flying bullets. You are invited to raise your head into the open air and discover that space to be not only safe but radiant, beautiful, heavenly. 

It sounds like a kind of mini-death.

It is a death of some egoic (fearful) thinking. How does that sound? 

Hairy. But I’ve done it before, this going beyond my egoic thinking, and the build-up to it, is always worse than the doing, and the fears are rarely borne out, and the ensuing cheery relief is generally palpable. In other words, I know it to be worth the leap. What is my egoic thinking here?

You fear being ‘shot down’. 

Hence the flying bullets analogy… Yes. I can see that. I’m reminded of another analogy I picked up for myself a couple of days ago. I was working with the ideas of Tamsin Hartley in the Listening Space – in particular ‘Choose an Object’. As you can see in the lovely video, Tamsin guides you like this:

  • Choose a concept or issue you’d like to work with
  • Tune into your breathing
  • Look all around you
  • Choose an object that somehow represents the concept or issue you’ve chosen to work with
  • What drew you to that object?
  • Is there anything else that drew you to the object?
  • Is there anything else that drew you to the object? (Repeat the question several times until there is nothing else forthcoming)
  • And what do you know now about the concept or issue?
  • And what difference does knowing this make?
  • And would this be a good place to leave it?

ChandelierThe other day, I can’t recall the issue I’d picked to work with, but I remember picking the broken chandelier lying around near me as my chosen object. I felt drawn to it because:

  • it had been a light-giver once, but was now unplugged
  • it was once glamorous but now dusty and missing crystals
  • it was not in its right place
  • it had the capacity to be restored to use… or shoved in the loft

All quite insightful to how I was feeling…!

Let’s use Tamsin’s process on the theme of ‘being shot down’. 


Take a minute to tune into your breathing, before looking around the room, and choosing an object that represents ‘being shot down’. 

Tudor chestFor some reason it’s the large tudor (or not far off) chest.

What drew you to that object? 

It’s bulky, visible, beautiful but also in the way. Laden with family history and history. It’s about 300 years old! It was my great Aunt Vera’s (I think). I can’t get rid of it, but I can’t store it either (in this new house). It’s blocking up the bedroom. I used to store my diaries in it, and it’s heavy with history.

Is there anything else that drew you to the object?

It’s followed me around from house to house. I’ve never really liked it, but I probably quite like the ‘statement’ of having a really old piece of furniture. I guess it makes me feel fancy. And I generally manage to use it for something.

Is there anything else that drew you to the object?

I can’t get rid of it. It’s a dark history piece. Literally, a heavy chest. You could keep a body in there. Like skeletons in the cupboard. Stuff might leap out at any moment.

Is there anything else that drew you to the object?

I want to be free of it. It makes me too vulnerable. I can’t ‘move on’ with it lurking about. I need to be more agile. Not to run away, but to live freely.

Is there anything else that drew you to the object?

I hate it. It’s a pandora’s box which could fly open at any moment. It’s heavy yet unpredictable. I need to move away from my past. How do I cut the cords, and start afresh? How do I leave behind, or release, the stuff that makes me cower in a dark, coffin-like box? How do I purify and lighten, bring light to, the past. My past, our collective past? How do I release, heal and cure the past? How do I cleanse the space I live in, materially and psychically? With intention I suppose. And action.

Is there anything else that drew you to the object?

The sunlight falling on it… That’s all.

And what do you know now about the theme of ‘being shot down’? 

I think of my past as being carried with me, in a negative, heavy sense – and that it makes me feel inflexible, non-agile, bulky, vulnerable – and nervous about the future. I know that it would be easier to approach life with a sense of ‘and here we are now, and now, and now’. I know I feel inclined to ‘cleanse the past’ and purify it. I guess my past needs to be seen, appreciated and let go of.

And what difference does knowing this make? 

It tells me I need to MOVE the energy of my space and heart. It tells me it’s ok to celebrate what is NOW, no matter (and because of) the past. It tells me the present is in the present. It tells me that when I get better and better at feeling the joy of the present moment, which is voiced in my heart, I will cease to worry about being shot down if I stick my head above the parapet. This is a really sensory (heart-centred) process. May I get in closer contact with my heart, and it’s present-moment voice, every day.

And would this be a good place to leave it? 

Almost… What’s the message…?

‘May I hear my heart better.’

Yes, that is it… Thank you.

Today I am hearing my heart better, now and now and now…

MEDS Day 77: Today I am sensing joy in my heart

I am grateful for yesterday’s achievements, blessings, confirmations….

  • Starting decluttering for our house move in mid-Feb – it’s begun!
  • G amazingly unpacking my huge box of old laptops and phones, plugging everything in, firing it up… and saving gigabytes of precious data for future use. Oh my goodness what a blessing. Especially the photos of and by my girls, and my beloved Mum.
  • G’s epic stir-fry – making going carb-free feel like a darned treat…

‘Sensing the heart’ has been a really good practice…

It was time to return to the practice. 

What about this ‘charitable heart’ business?

Rectification of error. You know what an impact errors make upon life. It is charitable to support others in rectifying errors. And thus can you rectify your own. 


Psychologically, as much as karmically. 

I ask you, with a prayerful heart, for guidance on this.

‘Hallelujah, anyhow’

We sang this in choir… I love this song.

♪ Hallelujah Anyhow ♪ (official lyrics)

I believe I’ll testify
God’s been good to me
Through every test and trial
I’ve got the victory
The enemy has tried his best
To make me turn around me bring me down
But my God’s never failed me yet
So I’m gonna stand my groundNo matter what comes my way
I’ll lift my voice and say
Hallelujah anyhow’.Wait a minute one more time
Think I’ll say it again
God’s been so good to me
And He’s my closest friend
I’ve come to far to turn around now
I’m gonna stand I’m gonna wait
Watch God work it out somehowNo matter what comes my way
I’ll lift my voice and say
Hallelujah anyhow’…

Prayer emanates from the heart when it is uplifted – uplifted ‘anyhow’. Falling in to the happy cracks between our seriousness is a vital part of rolling into a state of ‘charitable heart’. No one needs more dour charity. The best charity comes in a spirit of freely-given and -received JOY. So set yourself today, to the work of sensing JOY in your heart, and feeding it’s kindling flame. 
Today I am sensing joy in my heart.
MEDS Trackers Jan2019: Day: Sunday
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med | Aerobic | Qigong Nope
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food YES
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books Nope
Med minutes 0
Active minutes

9am: Berrocca/linseed shot; muesli; tea

Eating window:


Screens off
In bed (with books..)
Sleep Window
Hours slept (as per FitBit data next morning)


MEDS Day 68: Today I am stopping, in accordance with my Best Interests

Sleep data for this week

I am grateful for yesterday’s…. 

  • Christmas shopping trip to a lovely nearby town with my G
  • Gospel choir gig 
  • And the day before – getting through yet another government health/work assessment – so traumatic each time, but on my third go, I’m getting better at handing the stress of it, and saying what I need to say. 
  • My lovely youngest coming home for Christmas – what a blessing to have both my gorgeous kids in one city again

I have a confession to make. It’s three months into my MEDS project and… I am gaining weight at about a pound a day. I feel huge and am back to about my historic heaviest. I’m overweight, exhausted and I’ve just come down with a cold. But I do know what’s going on, I think, and my decision of last weekend will help. 

The decision of last weekend: Jan 1st to stop consuming carbs, alcohol and caffeine. 

Why is this a crucial step in the MEDS project and for my general health? Here’s the horrible physiological cycle at play when I let alcohol into my life….:

  1. I drink alcohol in the evening
  2. …which dissolves my good plans for a 9pm screen curfew and a 10pm in-bed-with-books, causing me to ride past my natural melatonin window and stay up on adrenalin and cortisol (later to be woken by alcohol-related GABA alert at 3am)
  3. …which evening alcohol also causes me to eat unwisely (carbs) late at night
  4. … which alcohol and carb snacking disrupts my insulin / cortisol / adrenal system
  5. … which causes me to sleep badly and wake early and wired, craving sweet coffee
  6. … which further insulin mess-up means I’m now fatigued and also craving and feasting on carbs
  7. … which carbs feed and pump up the candida in the gut (while also making me store fat)
  8. … which candida gives me brain fog, and dulls my intention to self-care via meditation and exercise
  9. … which brain fog makes me feel by evening I’ve earned a drink to stop the brain haze and unboundariedness…

I just did a BBC quiz on ‘what’s the right diet for you?‘ – it identified my eating style as ‘Feaster‘. Spot on – can’t stop once I pop – especially when it comes to feeding the candida in the gut… However, I very much doubt the low fat/high carb diet they recommend is sensible (see and The Obesity Code). But it made me remind myself of these guidelines, self-curated over the last few years, which will be really helpful for me when on 1st Jan 2019 I break the cycle mentioned above: 

  • Feast… on veg (raw / steamed with healthy oils are very satisfying)
  • “Treats” are not (they destabilise my gut biome)
  • A bit of protein with each meal is balancing
  • Fast consciously (simply stop late night eating to give system reset time)
  • Probiotics & prebiotics each day are key
  • Prioritise sleep – in bed without screens by 10pm is the only way

Argh… So, this is why alcohol is a lynchpin in the making or breaking of my capacity to use the beautiful MEDS protocols. It’s 2 weeks and 2 days until New Year’s Day. May I use this time to get my heart and mind in gear. 

I worked on the Power of No. That is going to be a long term project. 

Far from it. You are perfectly underlining your Power to say No to alcohol. That is excellent. 

Ah! I guess so. And carbs and caffeine too. That’s going to be good. It is good!

You are indeed looking out for your own Best Interests. That is good practice indeed.

Ty. I’m so tired today. Another very late and broken night. Heavy cold too. My FitBit tells me my average daily sleep this week is a pretty appalling 6h5mins… 

Best Interests. 

I also need to give love and presence to my youngest who is back home, and whom I just jarred with over her not being able to hear me out on the landing. She’s deaf…. Come on. 

In meeting your Best Interests you are better placed to meet hers too. 

Speak plainly please. 

Get some rest, woman. Stop. Slow down. Stop. 

I’ve got a day of activity planned. 

STOP. Whether you ‘feel’ like it or not. No one wants your cold, your exhaustion or your frayed nerves… You care about your ballooning weight so let that be the incentive: running on cortisol puts your body out of sync with itself and it goes into panic mode and stores more and more fat. Ok? 

Yoga Nidra. 

If you like. 

“Yoga nidra or yogic sleep is a state of consciousness between waking and sleeping, like the “going-to-sleep” stage. It is a state in which the body is completely relaxed, and the practitioner becomes systematically and increasingly aware of the inner world by following a set of verbal instructions.” (Wikipedia)

Whatever it takes to stop-even-though-it-hurts-to-do-so…. Whatever it takes to ensure you get a good nap today… Whatever it takes to break the cycle of 6 hours sleep a night. This is what we mean by living according to your Best Interests

Today I am stopping, in accordance with my Best Interests. 



Sleep data for this week

MEDS Day 60: Today I am listening for the whisperings of my heart

Listening to the Whisperings of the Heart DoD 20181202

FitBit Charge 3
FitBit Charge 3

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

  • Beautiful insights and internal encouragement
  • The arrival of my new FitBit Charge 3!
  • Switch 202020 activities – with the FitBit buzzing the 20 min swap over.
  • Getting things done in the house
  • Consideration of ‘plunging’…
  • Doing the Download Hour – yes! It really hits the spot. I’m so glad to be developing a new habit, which I can take forward into my life… for free; without needing to go to class; at any time; which is heart-centred.

And today, I need a reminder… a nudge again… This mission, this plunge… Wherefore, whence, whither…?

The key instruction yesterday was to trust the heart. (“Trust me.”) So listen to the heart today. Align yourself with its voice. Accustom yourself to listening to its still, small voice… and pursuing its aims, rather than the clunking, loud instructions of the mind. Remember, yesterday taught that the mind seeks to serve itself; the heart seeks to serve others (or ‘the collective’). Learn to follow the yearnings of the heart, and the joyous, evolving space of the collective will become the playground of your days. 

Lovely. I know my heart says, ‘teach peace’ and ‘teach peace through dialogue’. I’ll pick up those whisperings, and ‘plunge’ gently into the cracks and crevices therein.

‘Whisperings’. Good word. Listen for the whisperings of the heart today. 

Ty. Onwards to do my Download Hour and have the day with my Love.

Today I am listening for the whisperings of my heart


MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med | Aerobic | Qigong Mini 10:10:10
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food No – Sunday..
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books Nope… :/
Med minutes 10
Active minutes 11 – trot
Steps 6600
Food eaten:

  • 11am: Indian ready meal leftovers
  • 5pm: Roast pork
  • 9pm: V&DC and tunamayo snack..
Dry?  No
Screens off 12 🙁
In bed (with books..)  12 🙁
Hours slept (as per next morning) 5h59….


MEDS Day 54: I am still practising Inner Softness

The Bodyguard

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

  • beautiful singing workshop – the learning, the sharing with friends, the music, the day with my Love
  • the closeness, the cosiness, the comfort of an evening together
  • watching some of the classic Sat night programmes plus…
  • watching The Bodyguard…

When practising Inner Softness, suddenly, as if by magic, I can visualise a softer future too. When I’m in a pinched state, I can only really picture a pinched future – which is then surely what I’m actively creating for myself…

I also realise this:

Inner Softness is the precursor to Inner Strength

As I soften inside, I open space, I become more aware of what’s going on inside me… And then I can find my core strength; I can drop anchor.

On other matters: The Bodyguard film. Oh. My. Word. Watching it again (from c15 mins in, to the end), I realise how very much it had ‘imprinted’ on me, not just in 1992 when it came out, but over the years that followed when the Bodyguard soundtrack was one of about 3 tapes I played on a loop in my car.

The Bodyguard
The Bodyguard

This is hard to convey, but I really realise now, how (as an impressionable, romantic and Aspie teenager) to a certain degree I absorbed and internalised what I can only describe as ‘expectations’ or ‘assumptions’ about how a relationship… no, be honest, how a man would behave towards a woman in a healthy relationship: noble, protective, grounded, self-disciplined… Those expectations were then confounded in my early adulthood – and I was so shocked, devastated, disorientated! I share this very much in the framework of my growing understanding of my Asperger’s – and the various ways I framed relationships, and representations of femininity and masculinity, against maps I had watched elsewhere. The other relationship map I had watched was my parents’. In sum, I brought to my relationships expectations which may or may not have figured in the least with the person I was with.

But here’s the thing. Startlingly, years down the line, I find myself in a beautiful, life-affirming, joyful relationship with someone who is indeed noble, protective, grounded, self-disciplined. Man alive, he even looks like Kevin Costner. But more handsome. I got this shock to my system, as I looked over at him, while the film rolled on. Like, somehow, the dream of my earlier years had played itself out, in and across time?

Why is this relevant? Because the ‘dream’ only began to fall into place as I learnt to master my inner state, my emotional patterns, my mental balance. I only met someone so kind and caring once I had committed to be kind and caring to myself.



EXERCISE? YES! Great walk out from the town  (2h) + Movements class (2h)

#STEPS – 13000! 


DRY today? YES! <3

11am Sausages&rice

5pm Roast lunch at carvery


Screens off:          Lights out:

Wake up the next day:                    Total sleep:


MEDS Day 47: Today (11.11.18) I am praying for peace on earth

No post today. One hundred years after the end of WW1, it’s a day for contemplation and joining the collective consciousness in seeking to usher in an era of peace on earth.



20 mins of MEDITATION? YES, at 11am… 


ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – good walk, and Movements



DRY today? NO

MORNING: Sausages and rice; coffee

AFTERNOON: Roast chicken (with potatoes); Indian takeaway snacks (late), glass org red wine

Add sauerkraut!! NB We’re going for gut-repopulation


IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – too wired

Screens off:   12       Lights out: 12

Wake up the next day:           7         Total sleep: 7h


MEDS Day 40: Today I am tapping into this moment (rather than escaperising it)

Day 40! They say that it takes 40 days of focus for a change to occur. What has changed, and what is still for changing?

‘Change’ is not necessarily the goal in this project. Increased ‘awareness’ is, however.

Ok, that’s helpful. So then, in what ways am I more ‘aware’ since I began the MEDS Project?

Have a look back…

Oh my W O R D. I’ve written so much!! Wow. Well. Here’s the theme arising for me, looking back on some of the posts….

There is so much good to tap into

In other words, whenever I stop straining / efforting / pushing&pulling, I am able to access an extraordinary well of goodness, peace, awe…. from right where I am.  If I can simply hold the awareness that the good stuff is right here right now, then I’m swimming in biscuits. It’s the ‘remembering’ business that is the key. Right?

Sounds about right, dear soul. How would you like to raise the bar on this ‘tapping into the good’ game? 

‘Raise the bar’ as in ‘do more of it’?

Augment the experience, make it more vivid… and hence more memorable

Well, I’ve loved the games I’ve played. The ‘Best Bit’ game last week or so was excellent. It’s about snapshotting the best of what’s there, I guess. Something else?

I also tried writing up my Gratitudes / Appreciations each evening, but often I’m too tired.

What about here, and in your new daytime notebook? 

Ah, if that’s not too tedious for people to read.

This exercise is not about entertainment. The work of mental retraining is detailed, ‘tedious’, disciplined… It’s ok to show that; it’s good to show ‘your workings’. Namaste, teacher. 

Ok. I’ll change the template for these posts.. How do I work this in with the MEDS, and why am I still not on top of all of the elements? What needs to happen?

What needs to happen is your celebration of the wonder and gift of meeting your MEDS goals, and understanding the role of the higher power in achieving them on any one day.

Really? Like AA?

Not far off. That’s why you watched the John Callaghan movie last night. As education, dear one. [Here’s the actual JC] 

What was the lesson? To join AA?

No, dear soul. To relax into the truth of what is. To speak your truth. To express yourself as a way of ‘staying alive’. To stop escaperising, ‘because you won’t get far on foot.’

Do I try to escaperise? (Nice word, btw)

Yes. Whenever you are not tapping into the good at hand right now, you are escaperising. 

It’s a mechanical habit.

Mechanical habits can be unlearnt. Softly, gently. 

Help me, please.

Of course. You are invited to meditate briefly. Let this idea roll about your inner space: I am tapping into the good. Remember our ‘tap root’ analogy (from It’s Radical Love). Let the tap root go deep. See you after….


So, I meditated in silence for (what turned out to be exactly) 20mins. This is how it went:

  1. I noticed I’d escaperised, and came back (to the moment, anchoring in breath)
  2. I noticed the urge to escaperise. I brought compassion to it, but didn’t follow it.
  3. Then I was able to stay a bit longer, with the breath – a certain stability started to arise
  4. I introduced the idea of tapping into the good… softly… Breathing started to feel good. I started trying to think about what I would write down… I returned to the moment.
  5. Strong feelings started to arise (frustration, rage, hate…) – I noticed the discomfort – I stayed
  6. The ‘purple’ visualisation arose… Nice.
  7. I heard noises upstairs… Time to come back? Opened eyes.

It’s all so very very subtle… And the urge to pop into duality is strong… ‘Tapping into the good‘ felt maybe a bit loaded..?

Only to the dualistic mind. Source knows only Good. And all the Good exists right here, right now, at the heart of this moment. Not elsewhere, or in the past/future, or in delay, or out there… Right here, right now, if you can but get still enough, and trusting enough, to tap into this moment itself.

Ok. I hear you. Thank you. So, today…

Your message for today is this: “Today I am tapping into this moment – rather than escaperising it, because in this moment is the Good to be found.”

Today I am tapping into this moment (rather than escaperising it)



20 mins of MEDITATION? YES – silent





DRY today? YES 🙂

  • Coffee
  • 2pm Roast beef, veg and potatoes, diet coke
  • 9.30pm: Snack – halloumi, guacamole, scratchings, licorice tea



Screens off:    9.50pm      Lights out: 11pm

Wake up the next day (Mon):       7.15am             Total sleep: 8h 🙂

MEDS Day 33: Today I am a sovereign being

I loved the ‘letting go’ practice. It was so wholesome and healthy and ‘undoing’ of tension.

Today, before my 45min long meditation, I set myself these questions, riffing slightly with the notion of the Lasting Power of Attorney:

⭐️ How can I best support my body and brain health and wellbeing for the long term, in the coming week? How best can I secure my financial stability  for the long term, in the coming week?

This is what came through:

Say and affirm: I am a sovereign being. I am sovereign. I am self-governing. I am self-ruling. I am queen of my own country. I am the peace-maker within my own land. I am the sole decision-maker and arbiter across the vast landscapes of my own health, well-being, home and finances. I have the power to choose and decide. My rule is sovereign and complete. My will is upheld. I am the captain of my own ship and the queen of my own country. Amen. 

Yes… This.

Today I am a sovereign being.



20 mins of MEDITATION? YES – 45 min guided med by Rasa Lukosuite – gorgeous


ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – a walk round the park & then Movements class

#STEPS: c6k


BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY – fell at the last hurdle (bedtime)…

DRY today? NO


EVENING: Late lunch at 3pm – lunch was perfect low-carb high fat: bed of cabbage, oxtail stew and a few roasted sweet potatoes perched on top. Later, some pork scratchings. Just before bed….. V&DC, crackers, cheese, butter – gave me a very broken, wakeful, unsettled night.


IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – tho I could have been! 

Screens off:    12      Lights out: 12

Wake up the next day:        7            Total sleep: 7h