What’s up?
Anger, frustration, concern.
Arising from..?
Voicelessness. Not feeling listened to. Feeling silenced, shut down. Feeling lectured at. Feeling my voice isn’t welcome. Old shit, in other words.
Concern at others’ free’n’easy negative speech. Startlement at the degree of judgment in others… and conversely at my judgment of them for their judgment of others.
And startlement at my silence on those matters…
And how does that make you feel?
Enraged. And weak. And withdrawn. And bewildered. And uncertain about what to do next.
It’s also the longing for the intimacy of true conversation; the turn-taking of listening and talking in the actual, very moment, as opposed to two people riffing on old truths or overheard dogma without actually hearing what the other said.
Listening to eachothers’ truths, with genuine curiosity, openness and non-judgment: that is what I miss in human conversation sometimes.
I know I can seem startling in my forthrightness and directness sometimes, but to be met with evasion, shut down or lectures is disheartening.
So what to do?
Are you truly listening to yourself? Sometimes others come along to mimic us back to us, for our own illumination (via triggering). Use your shadow work principles.
Ok.. so if I’m seeing something difficult in someone else (and getting triggered), shadow work would say it’s because it’s hidden and as yet dis-owned in me.. So, at the very least: {I’m not listening to others}. Yes, that could well be the case. And more intangibly, {I’m not listening to my own self.} Is that the case?
The lack of listening to self/others could simply be due to lack of Gathered Attention, could it not?
Ah, well yes. I spent this morning thinking about Gathered Attention. Here are my drawings:
I can very much imagine that:
{Gathered Attention} <—> {The Power of Listening}
I need to listen to my own heart again, don’t I?
When we feel others aren’t listening to us, it is often an indication that we are not listening to our own heart. The heart speaks the truths of the soul. The unheard soul makes for a yearning and a ‘llanto’ (wailing) in the experience of the ‘person’. It is not that the soul is wailing – the soul is content in all conditions and circumstances! No, it is the personhood which senses being disconnected from its source… as a child cries for her mother when she notices her to be gone…
So what is my soul trying to say through my heart that I am not listening to or hearing?
Heart says: Be kind to one another, for that is the route to peace and intimacy. Kindness includes patience, forbearance, faith, listening and listening again… especially when you are not feeling heard.
What? But then I start to become this vacant bucket…
How would you want to be heard?
Authentically. But some people don’t WANT to share…
Maybe it’s not about ‘sharing’. Maybe it’s about being present in a state of Gathered Attention, and then listening.
I feel: anger and resentment
I need: to be heard too
Why is that so much to ask?
Heart says: Let’s make the earlier statement clearer, dear soul. Be kind to yourself and to one another, for that is the route to peace and intimacy. Kindness includes patience, forbearance, faith, listening and listening again… especially when you are not feeling heard.
Use that Gathered Attention to really HEAR yourself.
Gather Attention – Listen to yourself – Hear yourself – Respond
Tune into to your whole body, your whole self. Step out of the personality of teacher / trainer / partner / relative… Put the persona aside, respectfully, and regularly. And use your breath and silence to tune in to allllll the beautiful messages your heart, emotions, body and intuitions are telling you. Yes, life needs to get simpler for that to become the ‘ruling’ practice. But you’ll get to that, dear one. Take it gently. Find ways to listen to yourself, new ways… Then you will feel less confounded when you find yourself with a person who, for no reason pertaining to you, is unable to be the Listener to your Heart. You will feel less confounded because you will be self-sufficient in that regard. Your Heart (and Soul) feeling ‘listened to’ will not rely on the psychic powers or the magical centredness of another! You will have served your own soul independently. And then, goodness, you can go out into the world, and in to your conversations with a freer sense of self and purpose. You will have made friends with your own inner voice again.
So, I gather attention and apply it, by listening to my own heart. Beautiful. Yes. I am feeling the potential in that.
I am gathering attention and listening to my own heart
