Author: Dialogues Of Discernment

So after the recognition about having an opportunity to focus next year on enjoying and ‘sharing the fruits of my labour’, I did a thing. I posted this to my online colleague network:

‘After a tough year of political discord, my wish and intention for 2020 is to learn and share more widely the tools of consensus, consultation and collaboration.’

This sums up exactly how I feel. I am heartily, bitterly, painfully dismayed by the way our country’s politics have been  hijacked (via outright lies and manipulation of minds by crucial mass media outlets) by hostile forces who would serve themselves and their peers before they serve the (often  vulnerable) people they have persuaded will be better off by voting for them. This is to put it all mildly.

On the other hand, part of me knows that the alternative, redistributive socio-political consciousness – upon which scorn has been poured passim in this country in past weeks –  is simply the future waiting to unfold, and that that future is based on consensus, consultation and collaboration, from which will arise greater unity, equity, fairness, abundance, for people and planet. I see this consciousness already naturally arisen in the younger generations. I am so moved that they can ‘see’ with greater clarity, purity and selflessness than their older peers.

So, in other words, I am instructing myself not to retreat into judgment or bitterness or fear or, most importantly, silence about our political landscape. But rather to use each impulse of sadness as a prompt to deliver out there the tools of consensus, consultation and collaboration that I use in my work.

Shall we read? Penultimate chapter of the Tao Te Ching…

-80- In a small country with few people: Though there are machines that would increase production ten to a hundred miles they are not used. The people take death seriously and do not travel about. Though they have boats and carriages no one uses them. Though they have armour and weapons, there is no occasion to display them. The people give up writing and return to the knotting of cords. They are satisfied with their food. They are pleased with their clothes. They are content with their homes. They are happy in their simple ways. Even though they live within sight of another country and can hear dogs barking and cocks crowing in it, still the people grow old and die without ever coming into conflict. (The Tao Te Ching 80)

Interestingly, in his commentary, Stenudd writes that he has ‘problems with this chapter’: ‘It describes what Lao Tzu regards as a dream society, but I find it kind of boring. No travel, no visions, no aspirations, and no curiosity. Nothing but the routine of everyday life. It’s certainly peaceful and secure, but isn’t it also dull?‘ At the end of the commentary, a reader posts a comment:

‘I keep coming back to your page to read the Tao Te Ching over and over. Through my years of practicing Buddhism this verse makes more sense now than it did even just 10 years ago. When we lose the desire to see what others have, how things are in other places, what’s on the other side of the fence, we have reached a state of inner peace. The longing for more, more places and things has been put to sleep. It is not until we have that inner peace that we can bring peace unto the world. This is how I am interpreting what he says in this verse. May all beings be at peace.’ Jennifer Mandarino (my emphasis).

And Jennifer’s comment helps me pin down the theme you can spot within the chapter that I have been riffing with recently in my own head. I’ll go back and bold the key phrases in Lao Tzu’s text:

• satisfied with
• pleased with
• content with
• happy in their simple ways – and as a result they live…
• without ever coming into conflict

The antidote to conflict truly is an inside job and it arises from fostering feelings of satisfaction, pleasure, contentedness and happiness with ‘what is’ – though it be so very simple. This is almost the definition of inner peace. In this sense, the ‘small country‘ is the independent self.

So, can you be satisfied, pleased, content and happy with the political landscape of your country? Or must you remain in a state of conflict towards it?

Fascinating. Here’s the nub of things! If we see something as ‘bad’ do we reject it? Or do we instead work out where our judgment comes from…? And surely our judgment comes from fear which comes from our defensive, protective, judging ego. What does A Course in Miracles (ACIM) say about this? I seem to recall ACIM leading me to the understanding that absolutely nothing needs to be judged or feared…. Yes, look at this:

M-10.3. The aim of our curriculum, unlike the goal of the world’s learning, is the recognition that judgment in the usual sense is impossible. 2 This is not an opinion but a fact. 3 In order to judge anything rightly, one would have to be fully aware of an inconceivably wide range of things; past, present and to come. 4 One would have to recognize in advance all the effects of his judgments on everyone and everything involved in them in any way. 5 And one would have to be certain there is no distortion in his perception, so that his judgment would be wholly fair to everyone on whom it rests now and in the future. 6 Who is in a position to do this? 7 Who except in grandiose fantasies would claim this for himself? (https://acourseinmiraclesnow.com/course-miracles-manual-teachers-10-judgement-relinquished/)

I recall better now how ACIM talks about ‘relinquishing judgement‘ for exactly the above reason (and with much more context too, lest it should be taken as a simplistic approach). 

May I learn again to relinquish judgment and to see the perfection in ‘what is right here right now’. May I slough off the urge to point to the ‘sins’ of others and instead occupy myself by receiving, appreciating and sharing – in a state of ‘satisfaction, pleasure, contentedness and happiness’ – the perfection of each moment life brings me. I get it… I think. The understanding that to give up our restlessness is possibly our greatest gift to ourselves, because it is to give up our ‘wanting’… that is quite possibly the source of our suffering. Wanting… change, difference, recognition, love, movement… As opposed to receiving, in astonishment, good grace and appreciation, all that is, right here, right now.

Where are you, precious voice of my soul?

Right here, right now. Ever present, and ever vocal, and ever in communication with you as the infinite intelligence of your being. 

I sense you quieter. What’s happening?

A shift – more power to your voice. This voice blending with your voice. The binary nature of the dialogues melding into a new unitary voice. The distinction between the two, less distinct. 

Why?

For use in Sharing Tools, your next Project. For use with love, care, attention and dedication. So that you make speak with the authority of your inner knowing. It is well known that when you relax your mind and your eyes and your face, the words spill forth into the receiving platform of your mind, one at a time, for dictation. This continues in the next Project. What fosters the relaxed state? A complete satisfaction with the perfection of the moment. A resting state, a receiving state, an observing state of complete contentedness and peace. To the degree you can slide out of restlessness, wanting and chafing in judgment, will you become a channel of simple knowing.

So: relinquish judgment, and appreciate what is, right here, right now.

If Life came with a users’ manual, this would be the only guidance in it. 

I will work with this. Thank you. One more session… What will it bring?

Perfection. 

I am relinquishing judgment and appreciating what is, right here, right now. 

 

 

I learnt this much yesterday: you can not ‘channel love outwards’ when in a state of ‘worry, anticipation or regret’ or ‘W.A.R.’ – the ego state. This ego-as-W.A.R. idea is a concept of Matt Kahn’s, in his book Everything is Here to Help You.   He suggests, the opposite of the WAR state is R.A.W.: Respecting, Acknowledgement and Welcoming. Can I shift into R.A.W.?

[One  thing I did notice yesterday was that, while seeking to keep open to the loving state and ‘channelling love outwards’, I bumped into an old friend (Janet) and her son – miles away from where either of us live. I bump into this friend every 3 years or so, in one way or another – and we are of support to each other on life’s journey. Maybe a coincidence, maybe not.]

So, can I shift into R.A.W.?

Matt Kahn suggests breath is a route into R.A.W.:

‘THE POWER OF THE BREATH: Instead of trying to respect, acknowledge, and welcome our experiences as a consecutive process, what if there were a way to cultivate the qualities of RAW all at once? This is possible by recognizing one of the soul’s most powerful tools of transformation. It is the power of the breath. When we choose to breathe through circumstance, instead of arguing about it, we are respecting, acknowledging, and welcoming the evolutionary benefits of an encounter all at once. Since arguments are outward expressions of shallow breathing, our willingness to meet internal emotional chaos with the sustenance of conscious breath allows the soul to expand. (Everything is Here to Help You, Matt Kahn, page 50)

Ah, the old topic of breath. When/how really to absorb this knowledge?

Experience is the proof that it works. Note ‘Circumstance Arising’ and then ‘Breathe Through It’ – 1000 times. After that, you will need no more persuasion. Look at the quote again: ‘the sustenance of conscious breath allows the soul to expand.’ What do you make of that? 

Well the offer of soul expansion is very welcome indeed, thank you.

Even though it means meeting ‘internal emotional chaos’ head on with that conscious breath? 

It’s that old ‘feeling-dodging’ topic again, isn’t it?

It is. It’s really good that you are working with this.

Let’s read.

-78- Nothing under heaven is softer or more yielding than water. Yet it has no equal for attacking things that are hard and stiff. Nothing can withstand it. Everyone knows that the yielding overcomes the stiff, and the soft overcomes the hard. Yet no one applies this knowledge. Therefore, an Old One said: Only a person who has accepted the country’s dirt is a leader worthy to offer sacrifice at its shrines of earth and grain. Only a person who takes up the country’s burdens deserves to be a leader among those who dwell under heaven. Straightforward words seem crooked. (The Tao Te Ching 78)

 

My goodness, what better way of summing up the power of the (soft, supple) breath to unravel our (hard, rigid) ego state, than this brief chapter on water? Breath is indeed like water – profoundly yielding yet able to bring down entire cliff faces. In the following Matt Kahn quote, imagine the ‘internal emotional chaos’ is the cliff face, and the sustained ‘conscious breath’ is the water – the collapse of cliff face marks the ego’s unravelling and the soul’s expansion:

“our willingness to meet internal emotional chaos with the sustenance of conscious breath allows the soul to expand”

You are always discomforted by working with the breath – and by now hopefully it is clear why that is! Be compassionate with yourself. Acknowledge that to follow the breath is really not a form of immediate relaxation, but rather a way of consciously purging difficult, uncomfortable feelings -like having dentistry without analgesics. And… it’s the most effective way of purging old energy patterns, old beliefs, old traumas that we have! 

Gotta feel it to heal it!

Yeah! That’s the ticket. Harnessing the power of the breath to do the dirty work is a brilliant approach. What’s best about it is that you can occupy yourself 24/7 with this work. There are no special places to go, no professionals to pay. It’s freely available, and fully in your own control. How about that? 

I just need to bring in the self-compassion alongside the practice, so that I can hold myself through emotions arising…

And put yourself in the best possible context too. You’ve been reading about using light for rewiring the brain [The Brain’s Way of Healing, Norman Doidge] . On that note, remember that now, at virtually the shortest day of the year, you will attain ease by maximising your body’s exposure to light during the day. 

So it shouldn’t just be ‘painful’.

Exactly. As you get better at this, it won’t feel painful at all to purge old energy patterns via breathwork. It will feel more like…

No…

Yes. …Passing wind. A relief. 

Ok, so it’s back to breathwork again.

Until it becomes your everyday, every hour, every moment conscious practice. 

Ok. I hear you. Thank you.

I am breathing through circumstance – like water lapping against the cliff face

 

Yes! FM is so good when you first touch base with the Heart’s Objective. The Heart speaks so clearly (Hard Yes!).

Yesterday, I had an away-day with one of the businesses I work for. On the train there I realised I ought to prepare for the gathering. My head would have said, ‘Remember to stand out, prove yourself, sell yourself…’. Instead I asked my Heart what it wanted out of the day: ‘Friendship’ came in, loud and clear, repeatedly. Yes! Exactly. I was meeting with my 5 colleagues, experts in my field, and beautiful souls. To aim to come away with increased friendship felt nourishing and true. With Friendship as my Heart’s Objective, I arrived at the meeting in a more relaxed, open and receptive state – and later when robust conversations arose about our business model, it transpired that I was able to speak with authenticity, honesty and boundaries (Firm Noes) because I wasn’t there to jazzhand but rather to connect with friends, allies, fellow-earthwalkers… Amazing.

I’m learning to tune into the Heart’s Yes FM. And I like it. I trust it.

Your reflections on yesterday?

It was a day of learning to be true, and trusting that speaking one’s truth is not only safe but healing for the collective. 

What came of yesterday?

Courage of conviction, based on heart-centred thinking. 

Wow. Excellent. I would like to apply that today. And tomorrow. And the days beyond.

Ask your heart what its objective is for today.

[Close eyes; hands on heart] Heart, what is your objective for today?

Heart: Fun! Having ‘whoops’! 

Aaah… And I’ve been thrusting deadening plans for ‘Christmas shopping, tax return and invoicing’ in your face…. On a Saturday… You need a break right?

Heart: Lightness. We need levity. 

There’s been a lot of seriousness this week, I know. And tiredness. Let’s read.

-77- The way of heaven is like the bending of a bow. The high end is pulled down and the low end is raised up. The excessive is diminished and the deficient is supplemented. It is the way of heaven to take where there is too much in order to give where there is not enough. The way of people is otherwise. They take where there is not enough in order to increase where there is already too much. Who will take from their own excesses and give to all under heaven? Only those who hold to the Tao. Therefore, the True Person benefits yet expects no reward, does the work and moves on. There is no desire to be considered better than others. (The Tao Te Ching 77)

Wow, well this seems to sum up yesterday’s General Election 2019 Tory landslide in a nutshell: ‘They take where there is not enough in order to increase where there is already too much.’ Whereas the Way of Tao is ‘to take where there is too much in order to give where there is not enough‘. So it behoves those who would follow the Way to:

• take from their own excesses and give to all under heaven
• benefit yet expect no reward; do the work and move on
• harbour no desire to be considered better than others

I think I need to be careful not to mix this delicate concept up with some more generalised idea of ‘doing work for free because it’s all for a good cause’ … and thus diminishing my own financial security and sustainability. There’s something different in there for me, maybe about sharing one’s own excesses or abundance?

I have this feeling that I have some stored up treasures I’m not sharing out. And that might well be an error of judgement, or a hoarding of goodness received. What treasures? Knowledge gifted to me, in particular. Healing knowledge to be precise.

What do you think, Voice of my Soul? Is it ‘healing knowledge’?

The treasures for sharing are experiential. This is not about sharing Universal Truths, as much as sharing your personal perspective. You are articulate. 

Thank you. You too. How can I articulate my experiences? I’ve tried before.

Not really… 

What do you mean?

We mean you tried extremely tentatively, and only with people who had a big, closed door to knock down. 

I don’t want to jazzhand, or seek gain/benefit.

So ‘do the work and move on‘ as Lao Tzu says. ‘Expect no reward‘ and harbour ‘no desire to be considered better than others‘. ‘Take from [your] own excesses and give to all under heaven.’

It’s not enough just to vote for a party of sharing, redistribution and caring for the vulnerable, is it?

No precious soul, it isn’t. 

What does this mean for me?

What do you think it means? 

Well, if i ask myself where my ‘own excesses’ lie, it’s in thinking about and processing difficult experiences. I kind of give this back with my work…

You had the idea to ‘make m***n mainstream’. What happened to that? 

Lack of courage..? Uncertainty…? Doubt. Seeking security.

If you had a vision of a perfect world what would it look like?

Everyone would solve their disagreements by consultative conversations.

And therefore what’s your mission?

To make m***n (methods, tools, techniques, skills) mainstream.

And what values do you subscribe to? 

1. Unity in diversity – respecting and celebrating and welcoming and valuing differences of background, opinion and preference.
2. Experimentation – we are all learning and finding out together how to live alongside each other. No one has all the answers yet.
3. Compassion – everyone is doing their best. Life is not easy and we don’t know what others are going through or have been through.

So what’s your goal for next year? 

To share tools for consultative conversations as widely as possible.

Good, that’s your Head’s goal. And does your heart subscribe to this goal/objective?

Heart…?

Heart’s Objective:  Teach Love as communication (Good Chat), compassion, consciousness and collaboration.

Ok. Good.

And what actions or initiatives might support you to deliver on your Goal and Objective? 

[I’ve taken this offline to my Goals and Trackers doc]. Thank you, this has been helpful, and rallying, and focussing.

You have a role to play in making this world a better place. As does every single being on this planet. That is why you are allllll here. And you do that not by suffering, but by finding ways to share your unique expression of infinite intelligence as it passes in and through you. Dear souls of this Earth, rejoice for you are simply channels of universal Love – to the degree you are able to believe that so noble a role could be really your life’s purpose. Stand up. Stand up and allow the brilliance of Source energy to flow through you – and out of you. Yes. Let it flow out of you. The divine is creating New Earth through you, each and every one of You, each and every day. 

Beautiful. And encouraging. So…

Today allow the energy of Light to flow through you. 

Really? What does that mean.

To understand what it means, learn to sense the throughflow, the uplift, the windbeneaththewings… Let it flow through you. Acknowledge you are simply a channel of Universal Love. 

I am a channel of Universal Love? How do I wrap that up in a way my mind will work with?

I am channelling love outwards. 

Ok. Let’s run with that then. May this concept be blessed in me, and in all.

I am channelling love outwards. 

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday’s Dialogue gave me a massive breakthrough day. I am so grateful!

1. After my nap, I got up and said a Hard No to going back to bed, but instead a Hard Yes to prioritising getting things done using OKRs (Objectives and Key Results).
2. I wrote down my Objective for the day on a blank sheet of paper:‘To be relaxed, rested and ready to welcome our weekend guests this evening.’
3. Then I wrote down the 3 Key Results which would ensure I met my day’s Objective:
   1. HOUSE READY: The bed is made, the cooking is done and the house is clean by 7pm. (A Hard No to a last minute panic about the house.)
   2. COMMS CURRENT: I have communicated the important things I need to communicate ahead of next week (thank yous, docs out, photos ordered) by 2pm. (A Hard No to carrying around guilt about not thanking people.)
   3. BODY RESTED: I have both moved my body for 30mins+ and napped it 30mins+ for by 5pm (A Hard No to making my body take the strain.)
4. Then I mind-mapped the individual actionable tasks around the three KRs.
5. Then I worked through tasks one by one and – here’s the main breakthrough – set a timer on my FitBit just to see with curiosity how long each task took. The main power of being ‘on the clock’ was that I kept ‘on task’ – a) because I knew I was timing ONE task (no multi-tasking, thank you), and b) because I was interested in it being COMPLETE as that would be marked by stopping the timer. The executive-functioning part of my brain leapt up and gave me a high five: ‘ONE Task at a time, with a clear COMPLETION moment…. followed by a little breakito before the Next Task?! Yes please! ‘ Also, it gave me a way of not being off-tasked by my self or by G – he v quickly got alongside the idea of my being ‘on the clock’ and supported me in finishing my task and not diverting my attention til it was done. Powerful for us both as I could basically assert a ‘Hard No’ on any diversion from my Task until the priority was met, without it being personal or upsetting for either of us…
6. At the end of the day – which was super-productive – I added together all the minutes on each task. There had been 16 Tasks:
   1. HOUSE READY: I completed 4/6 Tasks (and G did 2 of them!) in 87mins
   2. COMMS CURRENT: Of 7 Tasks I completed 2 and started 1, in 171mins
   3. BODY RESTED: I completed 3/3 Tasks in 113 mins
7. I worked out that the Tasking span had been 10am – 7.30pm = 9h30. My Tasking added up to 371 minutes = 6h18. (Wow – 6+hours ‘on task’ is fantastic!) So basically, 2/3 of the time I was On Task. That’s a really helpful statistic to know. For me, task switching has been so hard always – see the Tendril Theory… But this helps me build in the knowledge that if I have about 4 hours of Tasks, I need a 6 hour window. Mind-blowingly helpful data!
8. Did I meet my Objective? YES! I felt relaxed, rested and ready to welcome our weekend guests that evening.

I am excited about this concept of PRIORITISING as the key to the Art of Saying No. (Thanks Mina Radhakrishnan!)

‘You are knowing what you are wanting?’

Yes! Largely by knowing and owning what I am NOT wanting!

‘Sorting and sifting?’

Exactly. And applying actual filtering, instead of being a ‘Soft Yes’ Bucket.

I’ve just had a further rootle on OKRs – there’s another term to use: To meet your Objective (and gain those Key Results) you use INITIATIVES (projects under which you have a set of Tasks). It’s a way of bunching up Tasks under set umbrellas. Cool.

OKRs

I love that you can use this for a day, week, month, quarter, year… And it all comes down to doing Tasks you can start and stop a timer on – One Task at a Time. (Let’s call it OTAAT). And completing a task, because you know where it fits in your own prioritisation, is the key to the Hard No. Also, you can set OKRs as a team, or couple, or family…. and all support the Hard No/Hard Yes decisions about use of our precious time and energy.

Sounds like things could become less stressful. 

Indeed. <3 Ty. I shall work with these phrases to self:

• “No, that is not my priority.”
• “To meet my priorities today, I will have to say Hard Noes to…”

Let’s read?

-75- Why are the people starving? Because their leaders eat up too much of the tax-grain; that is why the people are starving. Why are the people difficult to govern? Because their leaders interfere; that is why the people are difficult to govern. Why do the people treat death lightly? Because their leaders are so grossly absorbed in the pursuit of living; that is why the people treat death lightly. Indeed, it is wiser to ignore life altogether than to place too high a value on it. (The Tao Te Ching 75)

Lao Tzu suggests that while life should be honoured, we shouldn’t be grossly absorbed in the pursuit of living. He seems to suggest a certain indifference to life, or detachment maybe. In many ways, this chapter perfectly describes the difference of approach between my Head (‘leader’) and my Heart (‘people’). The Head takes too much tax from the Heart; the Head interferes with the autonomy of the Heart; the Head over-pursues ‘life’ in a way that the Heart cannot recommend. The result? The Heart starves, is difficult to govern and treats death/life lightly… (How do I experience all that?: at worst, depression/anxiety etc; more commonly now: overweight, stress, befuddlement, guilt, soft yesses…)

How can I step down Head’s crazed oligarchy?

By making the clever Head the servant of the wise Heart. 

Woah! Lush.

Your OKRs are perfect fodder to the Head. Let the Heart set the Vision that determines the Objectives. 

So my Heart says: let’s be calm, let’s work with peace, unity, love and light…

And therefore how can the Head serve that vision today? 

Heart’s Objective: Reach M. class at 7pm with a feeling of… calm empowerment 

Why calm empowerment? Because it’s sick of feeling like the slave to the unruly ruler…? Because that is how it gets into the state of being able to prioritise at all?

Calm Empowerment is ‘at ease and yet it follows a plan’.

Aha. Exactly. Onwards….

Head’s Key Results (slash Initiatives because it’s small scale timescales):

1. Sunday Lunch a happy time (Hard No to: stress!)Prep the food
   1. Lay the table
2. Body exercised (Hard No to: punishing the body!)Go for a walk
   1. Do some stretches
3. Christmas preps closer (Hard No to: letting it all build up!)Edit the photos in photo album
   1. Start spreadsheet
   2. Messenger messages cleared
4. Our guests feeling loved and cherished (Hard No to: getting carried away with Must Does)Do a lovely breakfast
   1. Be ready to leave at 5.30pm

Better go and do a breakfast!

I am prioritising my heart’s objective of attaining a feeling of calm empowerment

I have now made a plan for the final push of the year. Now I just need courage, non-distractification and the energy beans…

And ‘ease’.

Ah yes. Well, I can tell you, I’m not at ease today. So…. I didn’t go on too much about it here (because it took a lot of quiet focus just to keep to it), but I did Dry January right up to the end of November (23rd Nov to be precise) as planned, so as now to do a jolly ‘Damp December’ (my term, it’s not a thing, and I try to avoid a ‘Drenched December’…) Whoop whoop! Two freaking delicious ciders last night, and…. I’ve been awake with ‘the fear’ and an incipient hangover since 4am. :-/

I want to say something. It’s about my brain. And working within it’s natural parameters.

I think living and working with ‘high-functioning autism’ is akin to running a marathon a week. Or walking round the world with a heavy suitcase with no wheels. UNLESS and UNTIL we get into the autism-friendly mode. IN WHICH CASE, it is bliss, it is deep-diving, it is swimming in detail and richness, it is empathy, compassion, passion, pure connectedness… So, bring me up to speed on my autism-friendly mode again…

Sure. Let’s read.

-74- When the people do not fear death, of what use is it to threaten them with death? If the people were always afraid of death and if those who did wrong would always be arrested and put to death, who would do wrong? There is always a Lord of Execution whose duty it is to kill. If you try to fill that function it is like trying to hew wood in place of a master carpenter. You will probably injure your own hands. (The Tao Te Ching 74)

Woah! I appreciate the peace-mongering, but it’s a bit full on. For a slightly softer translation, here’s Stenudd’s version:

74

Ok, so maybe I’ll run with ‘Of those who try to carve wood like a master carpenter,/ There are few who do not injure their hands.‘  I feel sometimes, when I run against my brain’s natural parameters – whether from drinking poisons or over-working – I injure my own sweet self.

Mweep. Ayudame.

Dear sweet soul of light. You are really doing so beautifully in life. Remember that, especially at times of exhaustion. You set out on a mission at the beginning of the year – to reach peace and teach peace. We see you happier than ever (and yes, your relationship with your beautiful G is most certainly a source and an anchor of that joy) and we see you out in the world, contributing your knowledge and skills in promoting wellbeing and peace e v e r y day. Did you want something different? 

Not to be so tired or frazzled. To be a little more zen. To reach peace in my daily life, truly.

Reaching peace is an inside job. It’s about realigning, reforming and relearning how we think, breathe, move and make decisions. The ultimate fuel for inner peace is actually the power to say ‘No’. You’ve thought about that a little bit recently. Well here’s some more to contemplate: that notion above of ‘injuring your own hands‘ has a direct correlation to ‘saying yes when we mean no’. 

Oh, man… I struggle with this.

And that’s ok! It’s advanced level work! Why? Because it comes down to working really closely with your body. And connecting your mind to your body is an act of will and of faith. 

Please give me a short cut…

Be prepared to say “No” 100 times before it feels comfortable. 

Set up a list on your phone, and note down your first 100 hard Noes. 

Ok! And I’ll start with a difficult No yesterday…. which actually had me a bit plumptony (ticcy) and sleepless…. :-/

It’s not easy – but as time goes on, you’ll see that the Soft Yes is the biggest energy drain there is. 

I don’t want to become dogged and rigid and negative about this. I could play this game a bit hard ball…

Let’s define some parameters. A good Hard No is a very compassionate moment. It’s precisely about noticing that dissonance between a) wanting to please, reassure, value or honour the person by saying Yes, and b) hearing your inside voice saying quietly ‘No thank you’. Having noticed the dissonance, it’s then about stopping – even back tracking if you’ve already said Yes – and openly, gently, tenderly, firmly extending your No. 

I can start to think of other Noes – largely to stuff I’ve set for myself. But also to things floating about in my headspace that I haven’t purged out promptly… Admin / financials etc – a good Hard No would get them done and out the door.

Exactly this. ‘No, I do not want to be thinking about this matter any more’ is a perfect use of the Hard No. It doesn’t mean you then block it or ignore it, but precisely the opposite – it means instead you deal with it firmly, speedily, with ‘ruthless efficiency’. You get stuff back on the other side of your personal, mental boundary wall. 

Powerful. Here are some more Noes to be working with…

• No to worrying about Christmas presents
• No to feeling guilty about not thanking people for their amazing birthday love
• No to shuffling around my finances / tax / debt / invoices / pension…

Just did some research on Saying No. This video of Mina Radhakrishnan, a tech product manager (recently of Uber), was recommended:

Key takeaways from Mina’s talk on The Art of Saying No:

• Note your everyday transactional Noes (“Milk?” “No thanks.”) vs Noes in the relationships you care about or want to build…
• Why we say no? PRIORITISATION: ‘If you chase two rabbits, you will lose both of them.’ (Proverb)
  • Can you articulate the whys of what is on your Prioritisation List and what is on your Backlog List? (this is Agile language)
  • Avoid prioritising by effort alone – ie. Avoid saying, “Yes, it’s not toooo much effort, I suppose I can say ‘Yes’ to it.”
  • Instead set up: goals, success metrics, timeframes and potential solutions.
    • So my Quarterly Goals are ideal for this – ‘use Google-style OKRs’ – Objectives x3-5  & Key Results x3 per objective: https://rework.withgoogle.com/guides/set-goals-with-okrs/steps/set-objectives-and-develop-key-results/)
• Find common ground – the intersection of our goals
  • Agree on common goals – and have respect for every person involved
  • Listen, listen, listen – like a therapist (as a PM) – take in what the person is saying – understand the problem
  • ‘Here’s what I’m working on and why.’
• Find alternative solutions to the problem
  • Relate back to common goals and check on that
  • Put in on the roadmap

So in sum: saying a Hard No is about really knowing and owning one’s priorities. That’s an art in itself.

I need a nap before I start doing my Hard Noes.

Rest well, dear soul! And use this phrase internally for a while: “No, that is not my priority.” 

Tysm.

I am prioritising 100 hard Noes

 

 

 

Reading back on the last post, I am reminded how good it is when I go quiet and let ‘you’ speak. Thank you for the wisdom.

I’ve been doing the breathing work eg. using the Breathe+ app to go into an amazingly deep and welcome afternoon nap.

Keep practising…

I pondered on the last Tao Te Ching chapter and its idea of ‘when you’re sick of being sick you’ll stop being sick’. It applies to tiredness too, doesn’t it? When you’re tired of being tired, you’ll stop being tired.

I’m tired of being tired – and stressed. Work with me on this.

Immense courage to clear clutter and consolidate. One last push for the year!

It’s going to be like pulling off one long plaster, isn’t it?

Yes!

Hm.. Let’s read..

…And breathe out!

-72- When the people lack a sense of awe disaster will descend upon them. Do not constrict their living space. Do not harass them in their work. If you do not oppress them, they will not weary of you. Therefore, True Persons know themselves but make no show of themselves. They know their value but do not exalt themselves. They prefer this within to that without. (The Tao Te Ching 72)

If I were to truly tap into my sense of awe, I would… be changed. When we have awe in our lives, we really do know the value of things and of ourselves, and we really don’t need to exalt ourselves.

How can I settle into awe?

By nurturing yourself and preferring ‘this within to that without‘. Are you aware of your ability to ‘check out’ of your bodily sensations and the wisdom they convey? 

Yes. It’s true, sometimes I switch off the body-listening mechanisms if the message is inconvenient or hard. Shall we do some mindful breathing?

***Breathe+ app: 6 seconds in/out for 8mins***

So… by the end of 8 mins of very active breathing (filling ribs/belly through nose, and puffing it all out fully through the mouth) I can really feel my capacity for deep breathing returning. This brief practice will help me breathe effectively later during the day. But also, within seconds of breathing deeply just now, I hit on a strong emotion that stayed wordlessly for the 8 minutes: fury.

Speak to me of this fury.

Decluttering the psychic body is about feeling old, resisted and buried emotions. It’s hard. We are aware of this. You must trust the process deeply to follow it to its conclusion. This is the work of consolidation – and undertaking it is an act of bravery, courage and refusing to collude with the notion that staying in pain is what life is all about. Your body knows what it needs to expel. The breathing does the expelling. Once you expel old pattens and energies, you are less likely to take them on again. In resetting the system in this way, you are consolidating the wisdom accrued through tough experiences. You are releasing the toll of the lessons, and keeping the wisdom gained. A skin bruise eventually clears out the purple blood cells from the site that got knocked. Breathing deeply flushes out the emotional bruises acquired on the Tough Mudder obstacle course of your spiritual journey. 

No wonder I have always resisted deep breathing exercises. No wonder smoking felt like a wonder drug to me! No wonder walking, swimming, singing and qigong are so powerful in maintaining my mental health.

I need your advice on turning the tanker for this last month of the year: clearing, decluttering, pushing away old gunk, resetting for a 2020 that is less stressful and exhausting in terms of work.

As your beautiful mother used to say: ‘Keep breathing in and breathing out.’

She did! So, literally, just keep doing the ‘breathing-busy-work for the soul’?

Or you could try and *think* your way out of this tight spot…

Very sassy. Ok. I trust you.

I am breathing in and breathing out

Yesterday’s women’s workshop, Shake-Breathe-Live, was amazing. Here are my learnings and takeaways arising from my personal experiences of the practices:

1. Learn how and when to say the Hard No: reconnect with that subtle, wise Yes/No intuition – because if not, as the TRE showed me, boundaries get breached and anger builds.
2. Spend time with shamanic women: suddenly this feels crucial now. The stage of my life, and the world, calls for powerful women healers collectively getting their hearts and heads into alpha/theta brainwaves in natural environments… with fire. [One participant: ‘For the last 18 months I’ve been holding on to my magic like this...’ Stacks two shaking fists in front of her as though holding a rope for dear life. IKR?]
3. Shake it out; exhale it out: daily, in any environment – just release it. (Non-exhale of acidic CO2 -> acidic, inflamed, hot system. Sound familiar?) NB. Qigong, swimming, walking are also good for this coherent breathing and shaking out tension. Breathe+ app. recommended for intentional breath work.

Grant me ferocity and peace in equal measure, oh my God.

Let’s read.

-71- It is well to know that you do not know. To think you know when you do not is sickness. When you are sick of sickness you will no longer be sick. True Persons are not sick because they are sick of sickness; this is the way to health. (The Tao Te Ching 71)

Heavens. Spot on – whether this is about physical or mental sickness. For me, things shifted in my mental health when I started to imagine the rest of my life under the kosh of depression and addiction, and decided, ‘No‘. So, how about physical health? Yesterday’s training day had some really good learning in it, didn’t it? Where next with this? How to hold on to the magic in me which heals myself?

*Goes off for an internet fiddle about… and ends up finding this*

Video’s Key Message: Breathe into the pelvic junk drawer

Difficult experiences and memories go into our ‘pelvic junk drawers‘ in the  lower belly – and therefore, many of us breathe only in our top chest so as not to have to touch those emotions. Intentional breathing clears out those emotions from our pelvic junk drawers (better than alcohol, drugs or food will ever do…). 

Reminder/News to self: the reason I’ve never enjoyed deep breathing exercises is that it is uncomfortable and unpleasant to go in and touch/feel/heal the emotions in the pelvic junk drawer! (Hence, I eventually found TRE which served the pelvic clearing purpose in another way…)

However, in dodging deep/intentional breathing (to dodge the feels) I also deprive myself of:

1. clearing the emotional trash folder
2. alkalising the body
3. accessing alpha/theta states

Wow. As Lao Tzu says, ‘when you are sick of sickness (dodging the feels) you will no longer be sick (dodge the feels).’ It could be that my M in MEDS stands for ‘mindful breathing‘ as much as ‘mindfulness’…? The mindfulness alone can be a bit dissociative… My need is to get my mind deeply in to my body. Qigong achieves this too. I need to breathe. 

 

Video’s Key Message: Fill your torso 360 degrees

• Sympathetic Overdrive/Dominance –> fight/flight state prefers inhalation to get oxygen going to muscles, vs exhalation which is for expelling toxins and is therefore not a priority when you’re being chased by a lion) –>  Shallow breathing –> Low Heart-rate Variability –> Chronic stress, poor health,  high toxicity, low vitality, low self-belief
• Breathe with your nose and fill your torso 360 degrees – try these exercises:
  • 1 breath in; 3 out
  • Block on nostril and take 10 breaths; swap sides
  • Inhale one nostril; exhale the other (alternate nostril breathing)
  • Breathe for 3mins in each of these 360-degree torso-expansion children’s breathing poses:

So, hi. Breathing into the pelvis, torso, lower dantian… I’m starting to get the message. What is your message for me today? 

Breathing in to the lower chakras assures your groundedness. As the frequency of the planet attunes, becoming especially grounded is your only real priority. You can sit about and think thoughts but your actual given task at this moment is to anchor yourself, anchor light, anchor the frequencies of peace, unity, love and light. It’s kind of like ‘busywork for souls’ in that the visible output is not apparently significant but the actual impact is phenomenal. 

Why not take it upon yourself to play with these breathing techniques – as it were, as part of your ‘busywork for the soul on Earth’? It may seem like it’s a trivial, or insignificant, or non-intellectual use of your attention… but that is truly only because you do not know the impact you are having on yourself and on the collective frequency when you clear the clutter out of the cosmic trash folder in your lower chakras. You are doing a service unto others. You wanted to learn about STO. Well on this occasion it’s about clearing out your stuff. Ok? 

What happens when I clear out the stuff?

When you clear out the stuff your own frequency shifts imperceptibly. You become lighter. Do you hear that? Lighter. More Light. 

Am I overweight because that’s the way I’ve chosen to ground for now?

Yes! You knew you had to anchor, so instead of getting lighter, you got heavier. The lightness you are invited to receive is not about weight, it’s about absorption of Light. 

Hence the qigong.

Precisely. Though you virtually refuse to do it. 

:-/

If you knew that your ONLY role on Earth at this moment was to do qigong, would that make a difference to you? 

It would if I believed it.

You would believe it if you could see what we see. We see you weeping as you undertake your qigong because you are going fearlessly into the darkest places within you, and clearing them all, and absorbing cosmic light. So yes, no wonder you dodge it. You are avoiding the emotional pain. It’s understandable. 

Ha… Sounds familiar. That’s why I don’t want to go to sleep at night too. Don’t want to be left with difficult emotions and thoughts.

Breathing – whether mindfully, intentionally or in qigong, swimming, walking or singing – is your passport to getting Lighter:

• Less weighed down with a heavy, dark pelvic junk drawer
• More filled with cosmic Light

I am breathing down deeply and feeling lighter