Here I am, feeling good on this new day. The first/second day of morning rain since lockdown began 36 days ago, by the way. A quick lockdown update:
And #Panorama is trending this morning after last night’s broadcast:
Panorama's discovered the government failed to buy crucial protective equipment it needed to prepare for a pandemic.
— Panorama 🌐 (@BBCPanorama) April 27, 2020
Back to my real time perspective. Here I am, feeling good on this new day. I slept a glorious 8h21mins. Yesterday was remarkable.
I set out with the intention to listen and respond to my body, checking into SENSING and performing U-turns wherever I felt I was being directed to by the Feel Good GPS. (Maybe I’m so sensitive for a good reason, I reminded myself.) I kept checking in to and with the sensations of the body with the expectation I’d need to take action to adjust towards Feeling Good or Feeling Even Better. You need to follow the directions given by the Feel Good GPS to get to Feel Good Town! And mostly, dear friends, the direction given was:
“Giddup, geddonup!” and
“You gotta move your body”
The body was saying “move me!” or as we used to say up north,
So I kept moving: I did my qigong on the patio (I’ve bought the subscription to Holden Qigong now). I set up my desk as a standing desk with the kitchen footstool on the table, and worked for my allotted morning 2 hours (‘work as a privilege’ – limit work to feel good) while standing and swaying. Somehow, almost without thinking, I found myself posting my new (homemade, imperfect, but heartfelt) mediation brochure to my website in a blog, and then… without thinking on it too much or adding ‘excess potential’ but just sensing and following impulses… simply putting it on LinkedIn and Twitter – to my network of over a thousand people. Well done. It was, though I say it myself, really well done. I Felt Good to have done it.
I also decided to treat my training of yesterday as a ‘group mediation’: Start by ensuring we had all stated and explored the problem. Then use the session to provide/foster/define the answer. It worked! By the end, the team had committed to using the tool I was teaching them with – as the natural solution to their problem. Much better approach.
I also connected with my heart. I can’t explain… On my walk. I listened to these meditations by trance channellers. They focussed on the heart. And something clicked into place. I was/am in a different space. The voice of the heart speaks softly (while the head dictates and shoves). I needed that shift.
Lastly, I had the most beautiful news: One of the most cherished souls in my entire world (A.) went for a post-cancer treatment biopsy, on the last bits of unexplained shadows in the CT scan she’d had after her unspeakably gruelling treatment. Only, once at the appointment, the doctor could no longer find those shadows. There was nothing to perform a biopsy on. So, she and husband came home. Without telling us how the appointment had gone, A. set a Zoom call with me and the girls (her granddaughters) for the evening – and we were braced for the absolute worst. So this precious news was just the best thing imaginable. A. described coming into the drive on returning home from the hospital with her husband (N.) driving, and seeing her car parked there – and gasping at the thought that she would one day drive it again. She had assumed she never would. A & N may remain shielded in lockdown til next spring (can you imagine it???!) but we agreed we would visit when we could, and shout across the garden, and celebrate renewed life.
May I follow the soft voice of my heart again today. May I remain in the proximity of the good feeling sensations. May I learn more clearly today what it means to live and to live well – in peace, resonating with gentle joy. May I finish my day even more rested and replenished than when I started it, by knowing that the open, tuned-in heart is where it’s at.
Welcome to the voice of your heart. It speaks sweetly and softly, doesn’t it? It is so wise! It knows the directions of your inner being, which is to say it is your Heart that speaks the directions of your Feel Good GPS. Are you pleased to hear that?
I am! I need this. Just this morning, I read someone talking about RDS – a factor of ADHD, but also autism. It stands for Rejection Sensitivity Dysfunction (here’s one earlier ref). It seemed to explain a great deal of my stress – about emails, comms, phone calls, texts, training… The only place I felt free of it was/is in my casework, where for once, the distress of the dear beautiful person before me was clearly greater than my own, and I could have the gift of helping them reduce their distress – knowing that their infinite vulnerability was part of the human condition because I feel it too….
I'm always surprised that not everyone with #ADHD knows about RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria) and it's like, a real important part of having ADHD. Let's break it down!
— Dusty Chipura (@dustyexner) April 27, 2020
One commenter on the thread added: ‘Forgive me if I’m wrong about this but isn’t this just anxious or disorganised attachment? It would make sense given the connection between ADHD and early attachment rupture/ insecure attachment.‘
I just want to raise this as useful learning for me today.
While we’re learning about the voice of my heart..;
Excellent. And do know that is the voice of your sweet beautiful Head that contributes the very ‘real’ RSD you experience. The voice of your Heart contributes, quietly, a very direct message in any moment, about what you might do, say, be or have which aligns with the feeling of perfect wellbeing. The Head is louder, and the feelings of dysphoria had become so normalised to you that you felt ‘floaty’ without them. Hence the tendency towards leaning into substances for grounding.
And so, this rejection sensitivity which so blights my days with it’s lashings of guilt and worry… What does my Heart have to say on these matters?
The Heart simply says: ‘Tune into me and listen. Tune into me and listen. Tune into me and listen.’
Ok. I will. Thank you. x
I am tuning into my Heart and listening.