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Pivot 39: HELP PEOPLE

Yesterday, alongside holding ‘This too shall pass’ in mind, and Finding What Feels Good, I spent a lot of time crying.

We are in a pandemic situation, with a government that won’t act – because it thinks we’re too stupid/untrustworthy to follow lockdown instructions, but mostly because it cares more for the economy than for the people.

And the accounts coming in from around the world, and the doctors of Italy especially, are heartbreaking. The suffering and loss and overwhelm of the health services. My heart breaks open for those affected now, and those who will be affected.

I must wake up. I must wake up. I must contribute. I must offer something. I must get off my airy-fairy solipsism, and offer something concrete and earthly. I have my one-trick, and I’m really good at it.

Offer it. 

Why the hesitation? 

Is your heart pure? 

I don’t know! Marketing seems like trying to benefit from others’ pain.

Sweetcheeks, are you saying that therapists shouldn’t offer their services, that care agencies shouldn’t advertise, that doctors shouldn’t get paid..?

Awaken, dear soul. Awaken. You have something to give. Give it. Publish your articles. Give your skills away for free, and that will make you feel better and give the karmic cycle some positive momentum. But, whatever it takes… HELP people. Drop the masks of deference, attention-doubting, professional-posturing… and HELP PEOPLE. You have a skill. For heavens’ sake, in this day of all days, USE it, USE it to HELP PEOPLE, come what may. The NHS staff are going to have to give their ALL. Do likewise. Give your all to this situation. OFFER your SERVICES with love and a pure heart. Aim to HELP PEOPLE. You will KNOW when you actually achieve this because you will feel:

  • relief
  • satisfaction
  • peace in your heart

Why? Because you will be aligning with your Inner Being which desperately wants (you to get over yourself and) for you to HELP PEOPLE. Ok? 

Read  now… 

LIMITING YOUR ACTIVITY: When we practice zazen we limit our activity to the smallest extent. Just keeping the right posture and being concentrated on sitting is how we express the universal nature. Zen Mind p75.

May I limit my activity in my meditation practice –  but also in my professional practice, to helping people. 

***Zazen10minsGuidedMarkWilliams***

I am here to help people

I am here on this planet to help people

We all are. That is the secret.

Why don’t they teach us that at school?

Because it would affect commerce so radically. If everyone just STO’ed, commerce would be completely reshaped. We are not saying there would be no commerce, far from it. But it wouldn’t be driven by individualism, competitiveness, hierarchy-signalling, keeping back the good stuff, pillaging the planet, creating toxic products, dependence on low-paid workers, over-payment of senior executives. It would be driven by collaboration, fair exchange, fair pay, level-playing fields and respect for planet and people. 

Your social enterprise thinking. Take it seriously. Articulate it. 

Get out. Stretch your legs. Work to help people today. Truly. Bravely. Loudly. HELP PEOPLE. 

What One Thing would You have me do today?

Change your profiles to ‘helping people have healthy dialogues’. 

Now get on and HELP PEOPLE. Anything you do, ask yourself, “Is this helping anyone?” If not, drop it likes it’s hot. ‘Limit your activity’ to this. You’ll feel good, so good. That good feeling you sought yesterday? It’s here: ‘helping people have healthy dialogues’. Got it? 

Yes. Thank you. This is helpful and encouraging. And wise. And tantalising. And focussing. Goodbye.

HELP PEOPLE

 

 

 

 

 

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Pivot 38: Find What Feels Good

Yesterday, turning potential or real pain into prayerfully-expressed hope felt good – a relief. It changed the way I approached difficult tasks – especially if I brought in the reminder that primarily our actions are gifts from God delivered through us not by us (see yesterday’s Zen reading).

But most of all, the protocol gave me some direction when the WHO announced that we are now in a pandemic situation.

“I hope that this situation passes gently and lightly across this planet. I hope that all those affected are blessed with pure light, pure relief, and heavenly consciousness. I hope that we can all be uplifted by this planetary event so that we realise our capacity for love, cooperation, mutual appreciation; so that we turn to unity, to collaboration and to humble service of each other…”

A couple of days ago, I came across a newsletter from the wonderful Yoga with Adrienne – it seems she’s been working with her commonly-used phrase, Find What Feels Good (FWFG), as a framework for her community. Gorgeous. I’ve been playing with the phrase on my walks, using astonishingly beautiful Abraham-Hicks podcasts to define the Feels Good feelings. Here are my phone notes and the idea I had of tracking what feels good – and what doesn’t – across the day:

Find What Feels Good today

(Because WFG is Me-connected-to-the-stream-of-pure-positive-energy)

Write myself a time sheet, early first, down to the end of the day:

Column 1 = Feels Good = lined up with my inner being, syncing, tuned in, connected to Source Energy, aligned with inspiration, getting into the Vortex, vibrationally up to speed, downstream, under the influence of Source, in oneness with my original vibrational state of beingness, with the rightness of Me, focussing consciously, getting ahead, pre-paving, making your world better, moving in the direction of the vortex and therefore feeling satisfaction, daydreaming not nightmaring, tuned in, tapped in, turned on, caring about what I’m thinking and feeling.

Column 2= doesn’t Feel Good = tug of war with inner being, unaligned with inspiration, under human momentum, upstream, under the influence of something other than Source, making your world worse… 

Good morning, sweet being. Column 1 is plenty for your needs. We know that you like to point to what tears you up, but we really wouldn’t recommend you give disconnected experiences any more energy than they already got via your earlier vibrational state and wandering attention. 

We love the idea that you should constantly be asking yourself, across the day:

  • How am I feeling?
  • What is my state? 
  • How does this make me feel? 
  • Can I milk the goodness out of this moment a little more?
  • In my next segment, what feeling am I intending to feel? [Segment intending]
  • How would I like to feel at the start, peak and end of this task? [Pre-paving]
  • Where do I appreciate this moment in my body? 
  • What senses are being tickled here? 

Remember what Abraham says about this life? They say “If we were in your physical shoes, we would…” They remind us that this physical life is delicious because, oh dear love this is so important, because of our physical senses. That autonomic nervous system, that vagus nerve, those butterflies in the stomach… it doesn’t come with you after this life! The sensations of your body, from ‘negative’ to ‘positive’ are the gifts of the emotional guidance system [EGS], which is one of the best, best, best aspects of physical life! Until, until, until… ooh, this is hard… you decide that pinching yourself off from your EGS is the way to go. Sound familiar to anyone?! That’s the feeling of stuck, of split energy, of frustration, of yearning for satisfaction. In truth, there are no ‘negative’ feelings: there are just signals which show you you are facing away from your EGS, which is to say, away from your Inner Being. 

How best to turn to my EGS?

This FWFG game is an excellent way to turn to your EGS, because it has no grand objecitive to it other that to get into your body a little more, and attune yourself (great word, ‘attune’) to picking up the signals of Feeling Good. This is really all you need to get in to the Good Feeling mode and hop in to the navigational stream of your EGS. 

What you want to avoid is that situation of having a satnav on and set to a destination, but you decide to take a detour to the service station, and the satnav is shouting at you, “At the next junction, do a U turn…. Turn round… Re-routing… Turn round… Not that way… What are you doing? Go left… No turn round.” Make sure you and your EGS are working together. Listen to its voice. Your voice. Start by following What Feels Good. 

Let’s read. You’re going to like it.

***

Funny, because in truth, I felt a bit of heaviness about this chapter. It’s called MISTAKES IN PRACTICE, and it’s about all the ways we might fail to keep our zazen practice pure… And how we shouldn’t do zazen to feel good! Sometimes, reading this book, I think, golly, was it made for a more innocent age?

Exactly so! Hence it’s immense value. Because innocence is the basic human state, whatever the age and state of society. All prompts to reawaken simplicity and innocence in us are to be welcomed. Right? 

Ok, I’m picking this following paragraph. It’s helpful to me, because it starts with the ‘unhelpful’ things I ‘object’ to (eg ‘you have the wrong idea’), but it ends with a message I can take with me, not just to my practice (which is loose enough as it is!) but to the rest of what I do in life:

MISTAKES IN PRACTICE: If you find some difficulty in your practice, that is the warning that you have some wrong idea, so you have to be careful. But do not give up your practice; continue it, knowing your weakness. Here there is no gaining idea. Here there is no fixed idea of attainment. You do not say, “This is enlightenment,” or “That is not right practice.” Even in wrong practice, when you realize it and continue, there is right practice. Our practice cannot be perfect, but without being discouraged by this, we should continue it. This is the secret of practice. Zen Mind p73

I could apply that to my work. And that would take the strain off me. The acceptance of radical imperfection. What’s important is to keep yesterday’s 3 states of action/being to mind:

  • first = aware of our essential self/Self/Source-self, eg straight after zazen
  • second = doing everyday things like making tea
  • third = creative, giving, teaching, intellectual, conscious

The second and third become like ‘children who have lost their parents’ if the first is not activated.

Let’s meditate…

***ZazenGuidedMed3minBreathingSpace***

Tbh, short and simple was v refreshing. The reminder that: I can focus my attention wherever I choose.

And today is about focussing the attention to Find What Feels Good. 

Excellent. And if I were to lift my sights up, right up, and ask the…

Source of my Being, the Holy Heart of my Soul, 

What one thing would You have me do today? 

A storm just blew in, as if from nowhere, and filled the bright, blue sunshiney morning with sideways rain – did it not? [Yes!] But, you saw it coming across the fields, didn’t you? [Yes!] And you know that storms always eventually blow over?  [Yes!] We want you to remember that the same is to be said of what you call ‘pandemics’. Today, quite simply, we want you to hold the thought in mind that, ‘this too shall pass’ – not in the shrugging-the-shoulder sense, but in the sense of knowing, knowing, knowing that suffering, acute though it may be, is always a transient state. So really do focus on Finding What Feels Good today. Let this passing planetary event remind you, deeply, all of you, that life is about Finding What Feels Good: that is Source’s gift TO ITSELF. Ok?

WOT [What One Thing] thing noted – will do: Today, quite simply, we want you to hold the thought in mind that, ‘this too shall pass’.

So when I Feel Good I am ‘gifting’ Source?

Entirely. Why did Source out-manifest itself in the physical form if not to expand? And why did Source create an Emotional Guidance System (aka Find What Feels Good system) if not to facilitate, accelerate and enable that expansion? 

Imagine Source felt whatever you felt, and only that – so Source’s feelings were entirely dependent on yours.  Would that encourage  you to clean up your frequency? 

Or put it this way. Imagine your children only felt what you were feeling…

Well we had that!! And yes, having my internal stress mirrored back to me certainly did encourage me to clean up my frequency!

The bottom line is this: Finding What Feels Good is not an ‘indulgence’ or ‘selfish’, it’s the first act of service you can offer to this vibrational universe! 

Find What Feels Good

 

***

When I go back to the nonphysical world and the nonphysical souls say to me “what’s so good about the physical world? “, I will say to them, “it’s all about feeling good! On Earth it feels good to…

  • Watch the Sun come up and the day begin
  • Have a cup of coffee in the morning
  • Stretch your body
  • Walk your body in nature
  • Set tasks for yourself and complete them
  • Get stuff done
  • Have a good cry and process feelings of sadness
  • Sense opportunity
  • Go about under the influence of source energy
  • Daydream a little bit
  • Imagine good new things
  • See the best in people
  • Exchange smiles or hugs
  • Anticipate good experiences
  • Sense nature coming to life after a long winter
  • Remind ourselves that this too shall pass
  • Bring out the best in another person
  • Help another person to become more aligned with themselves
  • Have a good, true, open dialogue
  • Remind ourselves that anything is possible can
  • Have lunch…
Posted on

Pivot 37: Turn your pain into prayerfully expressed hope

What is actually happening to this precious world at the moment?

  • All of Italy (60million) on stay at home lock down
  • Stock markets tumbling like its 2008
  • Politicians fumbling around to respond – previous politicking bravado slipping away
  • The entire Earth unified around one concern
  • Everyone on the planet affected in some way, or about to be
  • Panic-buying passim

Que pasa, Tias? De verdad?

Think of a paroxysm, or a convulsion. Consider the way nature is designed to rebalance itself. Know that thought has power. Know that polarity must become unity, because it is nature’s way to be in harmony with itself. Know that living beings throw out toxins. 

But taking the most innocent and vulnerable down to attain rebalance?!

If the living being continues to consume toxins, its weakest organs suffer first. By consume toxins we refer to the consumption of ‘toxic thinking’ as much as anything physical. 

There has been an epidemic of fear and division on this planet. That for me is toxic thinking.

I know it’s important to keep our thoughts up, but I feel sad, and alarmed, and perturbed, and also, like, well here we are, the moment of truth we’ve all been waiting for…

How best can I master my emotions healthily and be of service at this time?

Your fear of sticking your head over the parapet is, ehem, getting in the way. 

Is this you speaking..?

It’s time to turn the Hour Glass over at last, and feel the flow of creative expression. 

Is it now?

If not now then when? 

True. Tell me more, please.

When you are in the flow of creative expression, you feel peace, satisfaction, and the flow towards that which you desire, which is VOICE.

Uf

You have made an ART of keeping your VOICE under wraps, of contorting your voice to fit in, of mimicking, of masking, of sitting on your truth. FREE YOUR VOICE, sweet soul of our heart. FREE it. 

What does that mean, please?

FREE YOUR VOICE means:

  • Speak as if only God were your audience
  • Sing as if your melodies could heal your most cherished loved one
  • Utter your truth as if your life depended on it (it does) 
  • Be a mirror to the world you see, with your voice
  • Relish hearing your voice, in written or spoken form – like a soprano being moved to tears by the sound of the notes coming out of her mouth – in other words be less attached to being the CREATOR of your words, and more in the sphere of being an astonished ONLOOKER of the World. 
  • Exercise your Voice as a muscle

And now, with perfect timing… Let’s read…

****

So, the next Zen Mind chapter is called GOG-GIVING and first touches on the six paramitas, which are summarised here in this article from Dharma Gate Zen:

The paramitas, or perfections, are teachings – guidance for one on the path to awaken. Awakening is achieved through compassion, and through these practices of compassion, we can develop a better way to live. These, like the eightfold path are not designed to be a “step-by-step” course – they are all developed in conjunction.

The Six Paramitas:

Dana Paramita: generosity, giving of oneself, giving time and support where needed, when needed, with no thought of return.

Sila Paramita: virtuous, moral behaviour. Doing what is right, at the right time. Keeping disciplined and on the right path.

Ksanti Paramita: patience, tolerance for people, situations and experiences outside our comfort. Acceptance and forbearance.

Virya Paramita: energy, strength and diligence to stay on the path, even when it becomes difficult and uncomfortable.

Dhyana Paramita: concentration and self reflection. Contemplation on things outside our immediate understanding.

Prajna Paramita: wisdom, understanding, letting go of logic and embracing the void.

I think in this chapter Suzuki-roshi is saying, blend the first paramita (give generously) and the last paramita (wisdom, understanding):

“We have a saying, “Dana prajna paramita.” “Dana” means to give, “prajna” is wisdom, and “paramita” means to cross over, or to reach the other shore.”

This blend makes: ‘wisdom-giving paramita’ (or perfection). Follow the next paragraph in terms of the above conversation about FREEING THE VOICE… It really is saying, give generously of wisdom, in a spirit on non-attachment. Even one line of teaching may be a ferryboat for someone, presumably to the shores of understanding… Beautiful and a bit liberating…

GOD-GIVING: Dogen-zenji said, “To give is non-attachment.” That is, just not to attach to anything is to give. It does not matter what is given. To give a penny or a piece of leaf is “dana prajna paramita”; to give one line, or even one word of teaching is “dana prajna paramita.” If given in the spirit of non-attachment, the material offering and the teaching offering have the same value. With the right spirit, all that we do, all that we create is “dana prajna paramita.” So Dogen said, “To produce something, to participate in human activity is also *dana prajna paramita.’ To provide a ferryboat for people, or to make a bridge for people is ‘dana prajna paramita.’ “Actually, to give one line of the teaching may be to make a ferryboat for someone!‘   Zen Mind p66. 

Time to pause for today. This is a substantial pivot moment. For today use this ‘one line’: “Actually, to give one line of the teaching may be to make a ferryboat for someone!”

And What One Thing would You have me do today? 

Share one line of wisdom teaching on social media

Ok. Ty.

{NEXT DAY}

***Pick up reading***

GOD-GIVING cont: When we sit in the cross-legged posture, we resume our fundamental activity of creation. There are perhaps three kinds of creation. The first is to be aware of ourselves after we finish zazen. When we sit we are nothing, we do not even realize what we are; we just sit. But when we stand up, we are there! That is the first step in creation. When you are there, everything else is there; everything is created all at once. When we emerge from nothing, when everything emerges from nothing, we see it all as a fresh new creation. This is non-attachment. The second kind of creation is when you act, or produce or prepare something like food or tea. The third kind is to create something within yourself, such as education, or culture, or art, or some system for our society. So there are three kinds of creation. But if you forget the first, the most important one, the other two will be like children who have lost their parents; their creation will mean nothing.  Usually everyone forgets about zazen. Everyone forgets about God. They work very hard at the second and third kinds of creation, but God does not help the activity. How is it possible for Him to help when He does not realize who He is? That is why we have so many problems in this world. When we forget the fundamental source of our creating, we are like children who do not know what to do when they lose their parents. …. But if we are aware that what we do or what we create is really the gift of the “big I” then we will not be attached to it, and we will not create problems for ourselves or for others. And we should forget, day by day, what we have done; this is true non-attachment. And we should do something new.  Zen Mind p67/71

This chapter has brought me to tears of relief, and grief, and recognition. Yes.

Our precious voice is easier to unleash if we see it not so much as a representation of our “small I” as a gift of the the gift of the “big I”.

Why has my voice been such a theme in this life?

Who knows the soul’s incarnating decisions? Who knows the karmic contracts? All we know is that life lessons are incredibly precious, and rich veins of personal development to be mined with deep respect, patience and self-honouring. 

Yesterday I had my first visit to the new psychotherapist, and we used a Focusing approach. I found a part called Livid (an old friend tbh) who said I ignored it, and that I should just give it all up (training?) and that I was too chicken to make the requisite changes… Your comment?

Ask Livid.

Ok. Livid, your comment?

Livid: F. you. 

Why?

Livid: I am your Voice, you idiot!

Why so enraged?

Livid: You hate me. 

Do I?

Livid: Clearly or else you would welcome me, incorporate me, integrate me, relish me, honour me, and DIGNIFY me with your respect. 

How best can I do those things? How best can I dignify you with my respect?

Livid: By quoting me verbatim, and not putting me through some safety filter which drains my words of any truth or meaning. You take away the Source of my knowing by sanitising me constantly. 

I’m afraid of speaking your truth. Like people will disown me and leave me in penury.

Livid: You really don’t trust me, your actual Voice, at all, do you? You think dampening me is the way to safety? How’s that going for you, fatty? 

Hey? It’s stress fat, ok? Leave me alone.

Livid: Oh, I do my best to leave you alone, believe me. You should know your stress fat arises virtually purely from ignoring me, the Voice of your Inner Being. You write me down here, suck out the sweetest juice and go out into the world disowning me, pretending you’re just like the non-believing muggles. To fit in. 

And not to impose my beliefs on others. And because of… you know, fear of their judgment.

Livid: Listen to me. LISTEN to me. 

Ok! I’m listening.

Livid: Stop ignoring me, the Voice of your Inner Being, speaking to YOU. 

I know I can be stubborn.

Livid: Stubborn?! You are like a mule! 

How better shall I trust you? How better shall I trust that listening to you won’t hurt me? How better shall I do this wisdom-giving paramita? How better shall I share ‘one line’ etc?

Livid: Know, dear friend, first and foremost, that it is OK to express pain. If it helps you, know that turning that pain into ‘hopes’ or ‘prayers’ is a way of expressing pain without adding to the general suffering of the world, should that be your concern. But, sweet one, you are muted by your belief that you can not give voice to pain, to sadness, to disappointment, to grief, to your longing for change. You worry that you will become or be seen as a ‘Minnie Moaner’ (You should cheer up, darlin’!) But you have been given a Voice with which to speak of what you see, and to revisualise those sights as an expression of potential. If we cannot give Voice to yearning, how can the planet build momentum to evolve? 

So… Speak of my hopes, of my prayers? When I feel pain?

Livid: Yes. 

That does feel like a relief. A blessing, A way forward.

Livid: We know, you don’t want to be seen to be criticising people eg politicians. It’s ok, nonetheless, to speak of your vision, your hopes, your potential, your prayers. Live within those prayers, sweet soul. Live within them. This is the alternative pivot. See what you don’t like, and speak of what you would like to see. 

See what you don’t like, and speak of what you would like to see… 

I would like to see a world in which:

  • we care for our elders
  • we protect the poorest
  • we …

I hear the word, ‘hypocrite!’

Livid: Then use your ‘hopes’ as your guide to life. That’s ok too. Live the learnings of your pain. Live them! 

Yes. I can apply this to my business…

Livid: You talk every few months or so of ‘social enterprise’. Nu? 

Ah yes. This is a good way to live the learnings of my pain. Ty.

***Guided10minSittingMedwithMarkWilliams***

Honour your pain by expressing hope, prayerfully. 

Yes. This. Ty.

What One Thing would You have me do today? 

Turn your pain into prayerfully expressed hope, three times today. 

Ok. Will do. Thank you.

Turn your pain into prayerfully expressed hope

 

Later:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/2pappvMPBJwIpPEVNlEGuz?context=spotify%3Ashow%3A44mEoioGlvMk087QOfcOYm&si=R43crxlvS-yrcFinrhLEPA

“Clarity is what you’re shooting for. You know that feeling when you can’t make up your mind? Wanting it and doubting it. That’s split energy. Split energy is the most uncomfortable experience of all experiences. Wanting it and not believing I can have it. Presenting and feeling jealous of people who have it. Wanting it and feeling without it. That’s split energy.” Abraham

 

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Pivot 36: Slow right down and leave no trace

I can see yesterday’s dialogue was a really important one. Thank you. I made my IWD Commitment on ‘helping people dialogue’, and set up a folder for holding myself accountable to that Commitment.  I also set a slot in my Switch120 schedule and a hashtag, #HealthyDialogues. I can see it as a ‘campaign’ – rather than an unattainable commitment to ‘forever’. Thank you for the Fire Dragon calling too. With all my heart. I feel that the time has arrived to master: time, vibration, bodily strength and the power to execute that which my inner being says is good.

Let’s read.

NO TRACE: When we do something with a quite simple, clear mind, we have no notion or shadows, and our activity is strong and straightforward. But when we do something with a complicated mind, in relation to other things or people, or society, our activity becomes very complex. Most people have a double or triple notion in one activity. There is a saying, “To catch two birds with one stone.” That is what people usually try to do. Because they want to catch too many birds they find it difficult to be concentrated on one activity, and they may end up not catching any birds at all! That kind of thinking always leaves its shadow on their activity. …  Relative mind is the mind which sets itself in relation to other things, thus limiting itself. It is this small mind which creates gaining ideas and leaves traces of itself. If you leave a trace of your thinking on your activity, you will be attached to the trace. For instance, you may say, “This is what I have done!” But actually it is not so. Zen Mind p62

This makes me think of G. who does one thing at a time, with exceptional care, and sends it off to the clients … without a trace of ‘him’ upon it. Whereas much of my work nearly finishes me off precisely because I see it as a reflection of me! What would happen if I truly:

  • Did one thing at a time
  • Sought to leave no trace of myself on it

You would be healthier, stronger, more fulfilled – and less afraid of others. You would master time, vibration, bodily strength and the power to execute. 

Well, that sounds like a bargain!

It really is a case of going from 60mph to 20mph. Feels off at first, doesn’t it? Until you start to appreciate the surroundings. Until you get used to arriving at places in a state of grace, calm and readiness. Until you develop at appreciation for the powerful vehicle you are driving, and an awareness of how dangerous it can be to drive it out of control… 

***Zazen20minsTimer***

Simplify, slow down, leave no trace of shadowy thinking or attachment or imprint of self. Your work on this planet is to occupy a frequency of peace and calm. Learn to access that frequency at will. Holding the phrase and command, “Slow down” will help you achieve this gentle non-attachment. Be open to the learning that arises today. Know that the angels of God are constantly sending you words of wisdom to live by. Keep life very simple. One thing at a time. Slowed right down. 

Thank you so much. And today’s WOT?

Dear Source of my Being,

Holy Heart of my Soul.

What one thing would You have me do today?

Check in on the older loved ones today.

Of course. Will do. I’m thinking AP & NT.

So, today…

Slow right down and leave no trace

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Pivot 35: Practise the way of vibrational diligence

That self-organising of self/spaces/week was good yesterday. I did it for c.6 hours, and didn’t finish… But I did clear my desk and my car, take out a lot of rubbish, and look at the week ahead. I also went to town and did a bit of bd shopping for my Love. And I felt good. Also, I used Switch120 and the 8 Activity slots to keep myself on track. Been awake since 4.30… Saw 4.44 on the clock when I went down, and just now, I turned round from my computer to see the most enormous orange full moon sinking behind the trees on the horizon…

Interested to tune in to you today. Shall we read?

RIGHT EFFORT: When you practice zazen, just practice zazen. If enlightenment comes, it just comes. We should not attach to the attainment. The true quality of zazen is always there, even if you are not aware of it, so forget all about what you think you may have gained from it. Just do it. The quality of zazen will express itself; then you will have it. People ask what it means to practice zazen with no gaining idea, what kind of effort is necessary for that kind of practice. The answer is: effort to get rid of something extra from our practice. If some extra idea comes, you should try to stop it; you should remain in pure practice. That is the point towards which our effort is directed.  Zen Mind  p60

***Zazen16minTimer***

Good. I’m glad I did that. Keeping the meditation fairly empty was good – coming back to the sound of the nearby computer whirring each time thoughts arose. Noting, again… some feelings of anger and frustration. Nu?

Authenticity. The inner being is longing for authenticity. Not the ‘shoulder-pad persona’, nor the ‘nice-lady persona’. The fire dragon. 

The dragon lady??!

Happy International Women’s Day, dear friend. You see, phrases like ‘dragon lady’ were designed precisely to push women into a place of powerlessness. Think about what is summoned by the phrase ‘fire dragon’, when applied to a woman. 

Burning away dross. Clearing paths. Defending the vulnerable. Speaking truth to power. Persisting.

And so it is pleasing to let you know that all that you have articulated here is exactly what is on offer to you and to all who would step into the fire dragon persona. To enter this kind of energy it is helpful to step back from the world briefly, and shake off the dust of despondency. 

My despondency can be strong. Help me shake it away, please.

Look into your achievements. No, but really. Look in to them. Can you honour them? 

So many of them feel less like things I set out to accomplish, than … my running alongside a moving train to keep up with it.

And if that is what you achieved by running alongside a moving train, imagine what you could achieve if you set a destination, got on the train and steered it. 

Yes. I see… Like what…?

What would you like to change in the world? 

This division. This shouting at each other. People being horrible to each other. People using words to obfuscate, trick, overpower, belittle… As I always say, ‘WORDS HAVE POWER.’ Can’t we use them wisely, kindly, truthfully, directly? Can’t we all actually communicate with each other, rather than shouting at each other? Can’t we LISTEN? And can’t we ENCOURAGE? Can’t we communicate LOVE? When  was unwell  a few years ago, I was so shocked and scared by the way the state communicates with vulnerable people. It’s so brutal, unkind, and unfair. We need to communicate love. But if I say that, people run away…

Do they? When did you last try..? When did you stand on your soapbox and proclaim these beliefs to the world? 

…. I didn’t.

Hear the sage in you, fire dragon. Hear her. If WORDS HAVE POWER, so do yours. What will you do with your words? How will you use your words to burn back division and cast spells of love on this world, fire dragon? 

What about my fear of speaking into the void…? :-/

What of it? Who says you can’t speak into the void, fire dragon? if words have power, speak them precisely into the void!! That’s where they are needed most. Are you waiting for permission to speak, dear soul? Is that it? 

Yes… Yes, I am. It’s my age-old life lesson. ‘Find your voice’.

Speak like nobody’s watching? 

I remember I hired a room so that I could work up a new theatre show. In the end, the fear of people hearing me through the windows stopped me from going… And yet, I wanted people to hear me through the windows. I longed to be heard. It was a catch-22.

Ok. This, this, this, dear soul, this conversation is really good work. 

What shall become of it?

What would you like to become of it? 

I would like for my desires and my beliefs to align. I would like to get to that authenticity place. I would like to drop the personas. I would like to find my voice in this world – as others I know and love have and have not done. I would  like to find my voice in order to find my tribe. I would like to communicate deeply, fully and passionately. I would love to be amongst soul friends. And be able to thrive financially. That is my wish. 

Where are your soul friends, dear one? 

I guess at a particular frequency?

Spot on. Like dolphins, you need to signal to each other to find each other. Soul friends find each other on the frequency line. 

Remember yesterday you heard Abraham talk about ‘pivoting’? 

Yes!! This was amazing. I’d completely forgotten the Abraham had a pivoting process…

The Process of Pivoting
The Process of Pivoting: ‘Anytime you feel negative emotion, stop and say: Something is important here; otherwise, I would not be feeling this negative emotion. What is it that I want? And then simply turn your attention to what you do want. . . . In the moment you turn your attention to what you want, the negative attraction will stop; and in the moment the negative attraction stops, the positive attraction will begin. And—in that moment—your feeling will change from not feeling good to feeling good. That is the Process of Pivoting.’ -Abraham Excerpted from the book – “Money and the Law of Attraction”

Excellent. Here we are, taking the effort out of our thinking again. Super. (#RightEffort). Every difficult feeling is telling you what you do want. So, you’ve had quite a time of it being frequency-neutral, and now you’re saying you want to find your tribe and thrive financially.

Exactly. Put bluntly, if I hang out only with love-huggers like myself, I ain’t going to be circulating with people I can work for or even with. But, lurching into 3D land the whole time (where commerce apparently occurs)… it’s tricky and exhausting… What do you recommend?

We recommend you really work on cleaning your frequency on a daily basis. This is completely about today’s Zen theme of #RightEffort: not too much pushpushpushing, but rather keeping the constant way of vibrational diligence. 

Say what?!  ‘Vibrational diligence.’ That’s a great phrase. What’s my best form of vibrational diligence?

Honestly? Exercise, physical movement, stirring the energies, getting fit and strong, physical expression. 

Really? Wow. I wasn’t expecting that.

Your body is longing for expression. 

It’s burnt out with fricking adrenal fatigue. :-[

Your body is longing for expression. You are a very kinaesthetic person. 

Why I loved theatre…

Why dialogue is a good theme. Scripts are dialogues too. Verbatim theatre is still good. 

Stop it… Really?

Indeed. 

Consider whether you are ‘offering a service’ or leading your own movement. Ok? Do that for us. Get out of ‘fitting in’ and get back into ‘creative’ mode. Ok? For the sake of all that is good in this world. HELP PEOPLE DIALOGUE; HELP PEOPLE FIND THEIR VOICE; HELP PEOPLE COMMUNICATE CREATIVELY – and all that you long for and give away at the same time, will come back to you. 

 

Source of my Being,

Holy Heart of my Soul.

What One Thing would You have me do today?

Commit to helping people dialogue.

Well. Yes. Ty. I realise that needs some consideration. I really want to translate these learnings into the real world.

Well, practise the way of vibrational diligence via physical movement, stirring up the energies, #RightEffort, constant conscious pivoting from the ‘unwanted’ to the ‘wanted’… and all good things become possible. 

Practise the way of vibrational diligence

PS. Just found this previous dialogue…: http://dialoguesofdiscernment.com/peak-63-i-am-magnetising

 

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Pivot 34: Self-organise to keep the constant way

You have a powerful message to share. 

I do?

A message on the healing power of dialogue.

Ah. Yes. That’s true.

You know that ‘healthy dialogue’ supports: 

  • karma clearing
  • forgiveness
  • return of SCARF conditions (David Rock 2009)
  • good deaths
  • collaboration 
  • teamwork 
  • intimacy
  • learning of eachother
  • emotional healing 
  • suicide mitigation…

You also know people find it hard, or are reluctant to dialogue. You know that when hurt sets in and a conflict/dispute/broken relationship is underway, people shrink further from dialogue. 

It’s not easy, dialogue. I’m the last one to want to pick up the phone, tbh…

And as a person blessed with neurodivergent wiring, you’ve had to learn … to swim without arm bands. 

Meaning…?

Meaning, you’ve had to learn (about communication) by jumping in the cold water and finding your way to the surface. 

Ultimately… You have a message to share.

{Aaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.} Yes. I do.

In fact you have a whole philosophy to spread… 

Easy tiger.

It’s true! 

At the moment you are trying to ‘sell’ the mysterious service called ‘mediation’, which most people don’t understand, or fear, or believe is not for them.

But the rest of that population which needs to hear your message is interested in the actual other bit of your philosophy, the broader picture of love, peace, forgiveness, soul contracts, healing, dialogue as a tool. 

Really? What about the old, “I’m cheaper than lawyers bills!” messaging?

Irrelevant. Most people are so sure of themselves, they assume they’ll win their case and have no bills to pay at the end. 

At the moment you masquerade as a quasi-lawyer/HR professional. And then you feel impostery. But here’s the thing. They don’t want that. They want the sage. They want a Getafix. 

This conversation is really tough going…

Only if you’re no longer in the playful mode. 

I hear you. My fear is of putting myself out there with my heart at the forefront and being… ignored, really. I was so hurt when I shared of myself and loved ones kind of ‘toe-curled’ and swept what I’d shared under the carpet. (eg NDE)

It’s time to blend the personal and the professional. 

Really?

Why is your profile pic one of you in a black suit? Like really? Why? 

To seem like I fit in. To seem professional.

Are we in the 90s still? Where is your look that speaks of you? People want you, not a cookie cutter version of someone else from the 90s. Fan heavens’ sake. 

Ok! I hear you. Be soft with me.

We’re prodding you. 

Thank you….? Let’s read and meditate.

<3

ZEN and EXCITEMENT: ‘My master died when I was thirty-one. Although I wanted to devote myself just to Zen practice at Eiheiji monastery, I had to succeed my master at his temple. I became quite busy, and being so young I had many difficulties. These difficulties gave me some experience, but it meant nothing compared with the true, calm, serene way of life. It is necessary for us to keep the constant way. Zen is not some kind of excitement, but concentration on our usual everyday routine. If you become too busy and too excited, your mind becomes rough and ragged. This is not good. If possible, try to be always calm and joyful and keep yourself from excitement. Usually we become busier and busier, day by day, year by year, especially in our modern world.’ Zen Mind Beginners Mind p57

OMG, yes, this. God preserve me from excitement and busyness. I’ve had enough of it now. God grant me constancy, routine, calm, joy, serenity. And with this tranquility, grant me strength of mind and character, and the will to apply myself, to complete, to execute tasks with courage and clarity.

***Zazen16minsTimer***

I became aware of such emotional discomfort in my heart – pain, shame, tension. I used self-reiki to ease it, sending in natural healing and also some small amounts of self-compassion and self-love when possible.

Hm… Let me return to that beautiful line: ‘It is necessary for us to keep the constant way. Zen is not some kind of excitement, but concentration on our usual everyday routine.’ This is so important for me. I’m addicted to stress, cortisol, change… This week has been powerful because I more or less self-isolated at home because of my cold. (Not Covid-19 but no one needs more viruses…) I’ve loved developing Switch120. Can I delve into that more? Can I keep the world at bay? Can I claim my routine, and be self-employed?

Easy… Gently. Carry forward that which you developed in meditation. Return to its softness. Would you like to ask for your One Thing? 

Sure.. Ty.

Source of my Being,

Holy Heart of my Soul

What One Thing would You have me do today?

Self-organise your day and your (living/working) spaces and your week to come.

Really? Ok. I can do that.

Self-organise to keep the constant way

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Pivot 33: Connection to Source

Yesterday, in ‘Welcoming the Changing Scenery’ and also ‘thinking only of what I want to see more of’… I found myself dwelling on following my railway track and entering… A World of Love (AWOL?!). It took up my whole mind – the idea that in Levelling Up to Level 5, I’d walk through a door to a new environment  (scenery) in which everyone was loving, kind, generous to one another.

A question: if you excluded the news and social media from your idea of your reality, could it not be said that you live in just such a world? 

Ooh.. that bites. Yes! Even my conflict res. clients, are generally simply trying to be achieve a sense of self-worth and safety… They are rarely actively malicious. If ever…!

So. Welcome to AWOL. Where have you been? AWOL?! 

Haha! Very funny!

Let’s read…

REPETITION: Bread is made from flour. How flour becomes bread when put in the oven was for Buddha the most important thing. How we become enlightened was his main interest. The enlightened person is some perfect, desirable character, for himself and for others. Buddha wanted to find out how human beings develop this ideal character—how various sages in the past became sages. In order to find out how dough became perfect bread, he made it over and over again, until he became quite successful. That was his practice. … Actual practice is repeating over and over again until you find out how to become bread. There is no secret in our way. Just to practice zazen and put ourselves into the oven is our way. Zen Mind Beginners Mind p56/7

So, let’s do the practice and see what arises today.

***Zazen15min***

That was tough. I’m still quite unwell with a cold. What’s the lesson today?

The word you were struck by was ‘sage’. What are your sage role models?

  • Getafix
  • Archangel Uriel, the illuminator
  • Esther Hicks
  • Caroline Myss
  • Matt Kahn…

What do they have in common? 

Connection? Connection to Source.

There you go. 

What exactly?

Connection to Source changes everything. Just work with that today. 

Ok. Feel sick.. Should probably stop..

Connection to Source

******

Later in the day:

So it’s 5.30pm on Day 2 of my ‘2 day business pivot’ and virtually all I’ve been able to do is nap. Plus a lovely walk each day. And quite a bit of serious unwinding, and… reconnecting to Source. So. This has arisen: To ask you, or Source, what one thing I could do today, for you, for the World of Love, in service to the tribe... (Like ACIM’s daily prayer, “Where would You have me go? What would You have me do? What would You have me say, and to whom?”)

Hang on a second… Is this the pivot??? From world-orientated decision-making to Source-led decision-making?

And if it were? 

Hallelujah! I was thinking on my walk today, as I prayed out loud, it’s time for some of Caroline Myss’s ‘spiritual madness’…

Want to try it? 

Yes!

Dear Source of my Being,

holy heart of my Soul.

What one thing would You have me do today?

Pick out your 30 favourite books on healthy dialogue. 

Cool. Yes. Easy…. Really? I seem to feel a bit grumpy about it……:-/ What’s with me?

This is faith. Remember this? It’s following the Quiet Inner Promptings on trust.

Ah. Yes. Ok. Will do. This is my pivot. To connect to Source, offer myself up for one darn act of service and then simply follow the Quiet Inner Promptings on trust.

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Pivot 32: Welcome the changing scenery

What is this ‘pivoting’ business, anyway?

You ask today because you have brilliantly set aside two whole days for pivoting your business. We are happy and excited for you!

You are? Why..? Help me get clarity..

Yesterday you were listening to Abraham talking about all the good stuff being there for you in your Vortex and how good it feels to align with the frequency of your Vortex. How would it be if we explained to you that, because you have done such good work on (say) Level 4 of your Vortex, your inner being is now prompting your to level up to Level 5. You sense this prompting by… stress, frustration, being ‘sick of what you’re doing’. As long as you ignore the invitation to level up, the feeling of being ‘out of whack‘ will simply get stronger. 

What happens when people get out of whack is that they tend to focus on trying to ‘correct’ the thing (Level) that’s frustrating them because they’ve outgrown it, rather than doing what the promptings are actually inviting you to do, which is this: 

  • Celebrate having relished this Vortex Level to the max! High fives all round! Face it, when you started out on this Vortex Level (field of activity), it felt awesome, and expansive… this feeling is waiting for you again at the next Level. Your inner being is signalling that your dominant frequency has raised so much it’s time to Level Up for the next goodies.
  • Saunter out of the front door of this Vortex Level and stroll over to the next Level (following your Quiet Inner Promptings for guidance on how to get there). 

Ok! This is helpful. Let it go, let it go… Yes, this resonates with some of the feelings of sadness I’ve been having – Karla McLaren puts that down to needing to let go of the old. And I’m booked in to a couple of appointments to support me with that process. (TRE/Breathework + MindfulPsychotherapy/EMDR).

Tell me more about those Quiet Inner Promptings. 

Quiet Inner Promptings (QuIPs) are chuntering through you all the time. It’s about getting quiet enough to hear them. 

Aha. Sure. Ok.. Let’s read our next chapter of Zen Mind…

PART 2: RIGHT ATTITUDE – SINGLE-MINDED WAY: The Bodhisattva’s way is called “the single-minded way,” or “one railway track thousands of miles long.” The railway track is always the same. If it were to become wider or narrower, it would be disastrous. Wherever you go, the railway track is always the same.   That is the Bodhisattva’s way. Zen Mind p54

***Zazen15minTimer***

Go solo on the single-minded railway track that winds up the mountain of your own Vortex, steady as a sherpa, guided by the Quiet Inner Promptings. 

Question: have I put on weight partly as a way of drowning out the QuIPs?

Loaded question. It’s fair to say that you have been not-feeling-some-feelings along the way. And that’s ok. As you return to your zazen practice you will: 

  • learn to sense and tolerate feelings, and therefore be better able to process them out
  • train your attention effectively, especially in terms of how you use your breath a) to anchor attention and b) to process out feelings. 

If we told us that daily meditation practice is the single kindest thing you could do for yourself, would you hold it against us?

More important than eating?

By a lonnnnnng shot. 

Well, I am hoping the mindful psychotherapist will help me re-establish my practice.

It’s about aligning daily. If you don’t align your frequency at the start of the day, the spin-out of being out of whack is massive, and exhausting for you. Really. You have SO much in your Vortex right now, that if you don’t find a way to get into it daily, you are going to keel over with ‘excess potential’. 

Really?! What do I have in my Vortex??

Go to Level 5 and find the heck out! 

Why Level 5?

It’s literally just a figure of speech. We mean, the whole next level. Imagine a building on many floors, and each floor is like a whole different planet – different decor, different people, different customs, different delights of all kinds. That’s what the Vortex is like. So… be prepared to welcome change. Ok? 

Ok…! Welcome change. But keep on the same single track… No more veering off, with the tracks widening and me feeling torn down the middle – as happened yesterday with that impossible commissioned training I finally wrote, and my waking up fully this morning at 4.30am in a state of high anxiety…

Go back to Zen Mind… 

We say railway track, but actually there is no such thing. Sincerity itself is the railway track. The sights we see from the train will change, but we are always running on the same track. And there is no beginning or end to the track: beginningless and endless track. There is no starting point nor goal, nothing to attain. Just to run on the track is our way. This is the nature of our Zen practice. But when you become curious about the railway track, danger is there. You should not see the railway track. If you look at the track you will become dizzy. Just appreciate the sights you see from the train. That is our way. There is no need for the passengers to be curious about the track. Zen Mind p54

So, does this mean to welcome the changing scenery on my journey?

Yes, appreciate the changing scenery – people, sights, altitude… The scenery of your life is changing; not you. Take comfort in that simplicity, and let your Big Mind settle into itself. You do not need to control the scenery. The scenery is self-changing. Your job is simply, truly, really… just to enjoy it unfolding in front of you. 

Watch one of those train cabin videos… 

Welcome the changing scenery. Do little more than that. 

‘Let the train take the strain!’

Welcome the changing scenery.

 

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Pivot 31: Nothing Special

Last session’s dialogue between CEOme and OPSme gave me a lot to think about. It was helpful to realise:

  1. What awful working conditions CEOme had allowed OPSme to have to handle
  2. How much coaching CEOme needs to do her job well.

The concept that came to mind was SELF-LEADERSHIP. The Self-Leader in us is like the benevolent wise-one, the mature boss, the nurturing parent (in PAC terms).

After a couple of days pondering Self-Leadership, a new approach to time management revealed itself to me.

Basically, if we sleep for 8 hours (as it were) we have 16 hours to play with each day. If I’m not careful, those 16 hours get rail-roaded into Ops, orrrrrr, into hiding from the Ops rail-roading… But no-one’s in charge..! So let’s look at those available slots:

16 hours = 8 slots @ 2hours each, from 7am – 11pm 

Then I worked out what the 8 Activities are for a balanced worklife, with a fair self-employer, and gave each a 3-letter code. The 8 activities can change order but the ideal order (which also flows with G’s day) might be as follows, from 7am.

7/11 Slots (for Self-Leadership) 

  • QTD = Quiet Time & Dress with PJStretches (eg 7-9am)
  • E&E = Exercise and Eating Breakfast/Brunch/Lunch (eg 9-11am)
  • OP1 = Operational Session 1 – client work / paid (eg 11-1pm)
  • OP2 = Operational Session 2 – client work / paid (eg 1-3pm)
  • CEO = CEO / Admin / BusDev / Marketing / Strategy (eg 3-5pm)
  • HOM = Home-making / cooking / dinner / laundry (eg 5-7pm)
  • FUN = Social activities (eg 7-9pm)
  • R&R = Rest & recuperation – 9pm screen curfew + PJStretches, in bed by 10pm to read and sleep (9-11pm)

(timings interchangeable; each activity vital on a daily basis)

I trialled this approach yesterday, and it was such a relief to know that each activity was only going to run for 2 hours max. I felt I could do anything. Also, by the end of the day, everything was in balance: home, business, projects, rest… None of this, “Ooops, I worked flat our on one thing for 6 hours and now the house is a mess and I’m mentally drained and physically exhausted.”

It’s hard to get stressed if you really do switch tasks every 2 hours. 

Ah, this is like Switch20 but for 2 hour slots! Switch120!!

Indeed, it is Switch120. 

So much of our learning has just been about being able to start a task, and then know how to switch task. I feel it’s because as I get older, these aspects of my Aspie brain get harder to manage nimbly.

For this reason, putting down these vital Self-Leadership practices is so valuable. You are setting balanced daily routines which will be sustainable. 

I need to be able to work for the next 30 years I guess… And I couldn’t do it working as I did last week.

You have important work to do. (Everyone does.) You have a CONTRIBUTION to make. Creating a viable daily framework for action is key. 

I spotted this book cover someone handmade, on FB yesterday. The Tony Robbins quote stood out.

Image of a book cover with a Tony Robbins quote about mastering time
Once you have mastered time…

You have spent a long time seeking to order, synchronise, control time. Understanding that ‘timetabling’ is an act of self-leadership, not ‘organisation’, is a big step. Keep developing the Self-Leader in yourself. 

Let’s read. 

NOTHING SPECIAL: In zazen what you are doing is not for the sake of anything. You may feel as if you are doing something special, but actually it is only the expression of your true nature; it is the activity which appeases your inmost desire. But as long as you think you are practicing zazen for the sake of something, that is not true practice. If you continue this simple practice every day you will obtain a wonderful power. Before you attain it, it is something wonderful, but after you obtain it, it is nothing special. It is just you yourself, nothing special. Zen Mind p47

***Zazen10minTimer***

  • I am developing my capacity for self-leadership now I’m xx years old. Nothing special.
  • I am trialling my 7/11 Slots approach (aka Switch120) to time management, to cover all bases daily and have a sustainable working life. Nothing special.
  • I’m developing a new training piece today. Nothing special.
  • I’m taking time out for a walk today. Nothing special.
  • Sometimes I jokingly call my self-leadership ‘my slef-dealership’ to underline that really, it’s nothing special.
  • I’m pivoting my little business to capitalise on online opportunities this week. Nothing special.
  • I’m reducing my trainings down to Go** Ch**, and that’s it. Nothing special.

I like this nothing special approach.

It stops the engine from revving and the temperature going up. Chug chug chug. It’s all perfect and yet it’s all ‘nothing special’. The phrase supports a fair employment life balance. The phrase promotes inner peace. 

Nothing special

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Pivot 30: Be a fair (self-)employer

It’s ‘Pivot’, not ‘Private’.

Ha! Is it now? Well, there’s no better way to underline the art of pivoting than to change the whole project name half way through…

And two key words for today: acquiescent and self-employed. 

Ok. Good stuff. Shall we read?

Sure. ‘No problem.’

Gotcha.

BOWING: After zazen we bow to the floor nine times. By bowing we are giving up ourselves. To give up ourselves means to give up our dualistic ideas. […] My teacher had a callous on his forehead from bowing. He knew he was an obstinate, stubborn fellow, and so he bowed and bowed and bowed. […] If it is our inmost desire to get rid of our self-centered ideas, we have to do it. When we make this effort, our inmost desire is appeased and Nirvana is there. Before you determine to do it, you have difficulty, but once you start to do it, you have none. Your effort appeases your inmost desire. There is no other way to attain calmness. Calmness of mind does not mean you should stop your activity. Real calmness should be found in activity itself. We say, “It is easy to have calmness in inactivity, it is hard to have calmness in activity, but calmness in activity is true calmness.”         Zen Mind p43-46

***Zazen15minTimer+9bows***

The topic of today: acquiescence and the self-employed. 

The question of the day: to whom does the self-employed person bow (or acquiesce)?

I guess your point is that the self-employed person must acquiesce first to herself, and then to the customer… in order to run an actual business.

Excellent. So, let’s imagine there are two facets of you. CEOyou (who designs strategy and looks after business development) and OPSyou (who does the OPerationS with clients). Firstly, let’s have a 1:1 between these two individuals. And let’s bear in mind the themes arising in your conference of yesterday, on embedding best practice in workplace mental health. Let’s run the scenario of their 1:1. 

CEOme: OPSme, welcome. Come on in. Really good to see you. It’s been a while. I guess you’ve been super busy, and out on the road quite a bit. I’ve been looking forward to the opportunity to catch up. How are you?

OPSme: Knackered, to be honest! At breaking point. It’s been non-stop, and I’ve got so many clients, making complex, demanding, arbitrary, confusing, exhausting or exacting demands of me. My body and brain are so tired. And I’m just ballooning up in weight, from stress, comfort-carb-eating and lack of sleep. But, I guess, we’re meeting targets, so that’s good.

CEOme: Targets? What targets?

OPSme: Income per month. That’s the only target I’m aware of. Right?

CEOme: Another target would be your wellbeing, wouldn’t it?

OPSme: Well, I suppose that’s a bit harder to measure. Anyway, I pencil in a schedule of wellbeing and self-care activities, but they often get swept aside by client work. Or, I get to the time for a scheduled self-care activity (eg qigong), and I’m just too tired to carry it out.

CEOme: So, we’re missing targets…

OPSme: If you want to put it like that! :/

CEOme: Your wellbeing is far more important to me than monthly income targets.

OPSme: Really?

CEOme: Of course! It’s not that the monthly income targets aren’t important. It’s that those income targets are 100% reliant on your wellbeing! Your wellbeing must come first! So, I can see we are going to need to pivot the way we run our operations, as a matter of urgency. Can we have a look at your job description together?

OPSme: Job description?! You never gave me one! Nor a contract. Nor a salary. Nor a pension. Nor an EAP. Nor a sickness policy. Nor working hours. Nor even fricking Annual Leave terms!

CEOme: Really?! For real? How did we overlook that?

OPSme: I know, right?!

CEOme: Did you not speak to your union about this?!

OPSme: I don’t have a union. It’s just me. And you.

CEOme: But… this is not legal employment practice!

OPSme: I know, right?!!

CEOme: Well, where should we start? Is it the Job Description, or the working conditions?

OPSme: Hang on for a minute… This is making me feel a bit teary… I never thought we would have this conversation! I thought I just had to put up with this way of life… Ok. I’m ok. Let’s carry on. Tbh, I think it’s the JD first. Like, am I in charge of BD and finance, or are you? Who the heck does that stuff, and when? And who protects those activities from client work? And who defines what the client work is, because at the moment, we seem to do TOO MANY COMPLEX JOBS, and it’s really tiring. We say YES to anything and everything. WHAT DO WE DO? Where are the boundaries of our business? ARE THERE ANY? It makes me crazy the way we’re constantly leaping about doing new stuff, which EXHAUSTS me. When is the time when we set out our stall and say, “This is it. This is what we do and nothing else. And this is how much it costs. And this is how you buy it.” Hm?! Because at the moment you are sending me out like a circus pony doing a million tricks…

CEOme: And you want to be a one trick pony.

OPSme: Believe me, I love variety! I do thrive on the challenge of ‘If you gotta problem, yo, I’ll solve it…’ and I worry about my tolerance of simplicity and whether I have the maturity to be able to tolerate the one trick pony lifestyle. But… my body seems to be demanding it.

CEOme: And what’s your One Trick?

OPSme: Resolution.

CEOme: Shall we cancel the training aspect of our work?

OPSme: Honestly, if we could for a bit, I think that would be good for my health. But I need you to do that. Please, step up for me, and be the business manager. Protect me as your Ops dude out there on the frontline. Please.  I can’t do this all on my own. I need to work 50:50 with you.

CEOme: You need me to work 50:50 with you?

OPSme: Yes. Or it’s just not viable! I don’t know… Do you need training, or coaching, or support, or something?? You seem to prefer to hang back in the shadows and let me run with things. But you need to step up and start leading this business, and managing me, and protecting me, so that I can do the stuff that makes the money.

CEOme: If I’m honest, I’ve been a bit unsure what to do. And that means I hang back. I prefer to put the focus on you.

OPSme: It’s not fair that way. You HAVE to have my back. … Hang on… Do you think the CEO work is… boring?

CEOme: I kind of see it as ‘admin’. Not important… Not glamorous. And it doesn’t play to my strengths… Sorry.

OPSme: I thought so! Ok, so. You need to study leadership and management then, my friend! Really. You can’t sit there and do nothing, and leave it all up to me. You are going to need to find your identity! And own it. And take pride in … setting strategy, protecting your workforce, making the business glow. You need to be the boss.

CEOme: I really want to do this. Thank you.

OPSme: We need to bow to each other. We need to acquiesce to each other’s needs, NOT the challenging demands of our valued customers who are simply trying to work out what we sell and what we do. You have to step up to the plate. And that will help me do the same, sustainably.

CEOme: I hear you. Thank you. I will take leadership coaching… or self-coaching. I will be a better leader of this organisation.

OPSme: Self-employment is You employing Me. Be a fair employer. And an intelligent one.

CEOme: There’s a lot for me to learn here.

Be a fair (self-)employer.