Tag: Wednesday

Yesterday was New Year’s Day 2019. I am grateful for yesterday’s….

• Being my first alcohol free day in a long time…
• Courage to start the Carb/Alcohol/Coffee-Free (CAC-Free) protocols for much-needed renewed health,  wellbeing and balance.
• Wisdom to allow myself to start the coffee-free day the following day when I wouldn’t have a steaming new year’s eve hangover
• Lunch with family and friends
• Cosiness with G soaking up the last of Christmas
• His tenderness towards me as emotions arose in me due to a mixture of my hangover, tiredness, and trepidation about tackling my addictions head on…
• An afternoon and evening of complete wipe-out on the sofa with the TV

Today is the 2nd Jan. Day 2 of the CAC-Free protocols. I had an unsettled night with a LOT of concerns coming vividly and repeatedly to the surface for resolving and healing. It was as if the body-mind knew that there would be no more damping stuff down with the substances which numb the emotions and mute their messages….

The wisdom of no escape.

Yes! Dear Pema Chodron… (see her book of that name)

I woke finally and my mind reached excitedly for coffee. No coffee today…. So, unusually for me, I went back to sleep for a much-needed extra hour. Here’s the thing – coffee was so good at kicking me out of bed no matter how tired I was, when I needed to get up and go to work or the school run. Life is different now and my mornings have more flexibility, therefore it’s actually better for me to be able to have a full sleep, than lurch out of bed at first waking, under-slept but hopped up on “here-comes-coffee”-excitement… So. Good. NO COFFEE aids full sleep. Excellent. And I know that in time NO ALCOHOL permits more unbroken sleep too. In terms of the MEDS, we’re moving forward with DIET and SLEEP nicely.

In terms of emotional reckonings though, my heart could have burst this morning… What is this connection between the heart chakra and coffee? Coffee seems to close it off tight, invulnerable…

And then the feelings can’t be felt.

Right. And that’s no good in this time we’re in…

I feel very happy to have got off the hamster wheel of CAC…. I feel well-supported by online Facebook groups I follow: Dry January, Veganuary (not that I’m going vegan this Jan, but it’s so good for conscious eating), Dr Fung’s network. People are sharing their trepidation at ‘going without’ and their small/large victories as they roll in.

I have to say I am physically not in good shape after a year of feasting – and a full-on free-for-all this December (My ‘Feastive’ Season? 🙂 since I decided to go CAC-Free in Jan). I’m more overweight than ever at 165lbs; I’m achey; I’m brain-foggy; I know I have raging gut candida; I am zapped of energy; I’ve been supremely constipated for nearly two weeks now.

So, there’s lots to gain and look forward to! I know what I’m doing… I’ve got this. I’m going to start feeling so much better soon. And I’ll track the results. And that will make me pleased, relieved, happy and motivated.

And the cravings? The emotional surfacings? The sense of ‘no escape’? I plan to use the technique Dr Harry Barry taught at the conference in Nov: flooding. In my version of this treatment typically used for for panic attacks, I’m going to let the feelings flood me fully, yet not act on the impulse to react (ie with eating, drinking or emoting in an unhelpful way – crying’s fine btw!), and just wait for it to pass, with huge doses of self-compassion and encouragement. According to Dr Barry, with flooding, the brain notes the non-reaction and learns quickly that the impulse is not needed or welcomed, and steps down its messaging faster and faster the more you do the technique. It literally rewires us.

Today I also wanted to talk about ‘helping others’.

What did you want to discuss? 

This quote from Tony Robbins… “The reason you’re suffering is you’re focussing on yourself.” (When you’re focussing on yourself, you’re locked in to the brain’s ancient survival software.) (Tools for Titans, Tim Ferriss, p212). I sooooo dig this. I think there’s magic in this statement. It’s not new, and it’s borne out in all the Buddhist writings, and many (all?) great religious texts. It’s just this quote sums up something so important to me. If I really want to lift out of depression, or feeling swamped, then yes, my self-tracking and self-observation is helpful, but the Next Level, is definitely a focus on others as opposed to self.

We know about STS v STO (service to self v service to others) – but the word “service” is loaded. I may want to serve others, but in seeking to be of service, I can trip too easily over my own sense of self-importance. I am prone to creating ‘excess potential’ or ‘balancing forces’ as Reality Transurfing puts it. Similarly, if I expect to earn money, payments should generally be a reflection of the positive, helpful energy I have deployed via my ‘services’ – the term ‘services’ is close to ‘being of service’, but frankly much more pragmatic.

I got a beautiful picture for Christmas from my gorgeous God-son, and it seems to sum up this sense of being ready to step out of the hermitage and join in with the wider world. That bridge from solitude, or tentativeness, or self-recuperation…. to the full richness of community life: friends, colleagues, customers, readers, allies, teachers, mentors. Not that I’m not a little bit there but… in terms of ‘helping others’, we all have scope for widening our nets, don’t we?

And maybe the picture can be interpreted the other way round too, as one going from ‘many services’ (on the left) to ‘one service (which we do well – on the right). G talks about the woman who couldn’t sell the jams on her stall – she worked so hard and had 20 flavours of jam available! Why wouldn’t they sell? Did she need to offer yet more flavours, she wondered? A wise adviser suggested she remove all flavours of jam but one really good one, and just sell that. Guess what? It flew off the stall table. Why? Maybe because customers weren’t confounded by choices to make? Maybe because they sense the maker’s complete confidence in her single product.

There is a great deal to be said for the simplicity of ‘helping others’ in one, easily-defined, easily-accessible way. 

Like a doctor sits in a surgery and sees patients. It’s a kind of standard procedure.

We see where you’re going with this. A clinic approach. 

So many people (not doctors, I should add) set up their clinics, and no one comes. Others get flooded with interest. What’s the key here?

To be authentic, and original. 

Aha. Meaning..?

Bring yourself to the party, not your qualifications or past track-record. 

Let people know who/what/how you are? (I can feel I’m shy again here. Let me tune back in to you… I realise I’m also very brain-foggy because of 24hrs without any carbs…!) I’m listening.

On the theme of ‘helping others’ there’s something you should understand. ‘Helping others’ in the way you mean is a reward/privilege granted in the wake of some considerable personal sacrifice. When we have undressed ourselves of preconceptions about what it means to help others, and really, really, really prepared ourselves for the job, we can begin. When we discussed ‘clearing the decks’ and ‘simplifying’ in past weeks and months, this is what we were alluding to. That said, ‘waiting to be ready’ is not what is being asked of us. 

How can I do requisite preparations for a 2019 which involved widening the net of ‘helping others’…?

Simplify, beyond belief. 

Really? :/ But I’m really good at over-weaning, soul-cluttering complexity….

It’s time to become really good at simplicity. 

I can see that while I’m weighed down by too much stuff, too many ideas, too many hopes and dreams, I must come across as a bit…. psychically cluttered?

If you arrived at the doctor’s surgery and the room was so full of gadgets and miracle machines and books and papers that you couldn’t see the doctor, and the doctor couldn’t examine you, wouldn’t you feel a bit short-changed for your visit? A bit unwilling to trust their practice, or return for a second visit?

But if I’m busy simplifying, that’s more self-focussing isn’t it? More suffering?

Offer Simple Help. 

Ok. I can hear that. I think what’s going on here is that I’m looking for a ‘theme for the year’. I just dug out my 2018 theme for the year (PCPC)… I’d forgotten about it… I’m seeking direction and guidance to carry me through the year. In a somewhat brain-addled state because of adjusting to the new WOE (‘way of eating’ in Fungster speak).

Then let it be this: ‘offer simple help’ 

Really? Ok. I will… Thank you. I’m going to let us work together through concerns about co-dependency, over-caring etc…

You can carry on with your day now. It’s all ok. 

Ty. <3

Today I am learning to ‘offer simple help’ in 2019

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MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med | Aerobic | Qigong	No
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	YES
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	No
Med minutes	0
Active minutes	0
Steps	2849
Food:  Celery, goat’s cheese and seeds Fish, roast greens (made by A.) Chicken breast and roast kale 100% choc Berocca, water, tea (with milk)  Pork scratchings	Eating window:  11.30am – 9.30pm: 10h
Dry?	YES – Day 2 in the bag
Screens off	1am :/
In bed (with books..)	/
Sleep Window	1 – 9.30am
Hours slept (as per FitBit data next morning)	7h19m

 ***********

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

• Important dialogue session – v blessed to be present to two people bringing their love and wisdom to bear in order to work out how to live well together with extraordinarily challenging life circumstances.
• Good work done. Feeling more orderly and productive than in a long time (ever?)
• Support of my Love – what conversations we have!
• Attending the Christmas party of one of my most cherished clients.
• Going slowly… a bit

How can I get the GoSlo to really work..?

You’ve got to do the singing of the alert music when you sense the GoSlo Speed Camera flashing… Aloud!

Ha! Excellent. Singing Feelin’ Groovy. I love that song – and yes, it is one of the theme tunes of my life. I had the lyrics stuck on my door as the last thing I saw going out, in… 2007… to remind me to ‘Slow down…’ Guess, I’ll learn the words again…. 🙂

“The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy)” by Simon & Garfunkel

Slow down, you move too fast
You got to make the morning last
Just kicking down the cobblestones
Looking for fun and feelin’ groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feelin’ groovy

Hello, lamppost, what’cha knowin’?
I’ve come to watch your flowers growin’
Ain’t’cha got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in doo-doo, feelin’ groovy
Ba da da da da da da, feelin’ groovy

I got no deeds to do
No promises to keep
I’m dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me
Life, I love you
All is groovy

Ok, that’s good. I like that. So, anything else?

A note to say: this slowing down will percolate in. Give yourself time to learn; introduce abundant self-compassion, self-kindness, much encouragement… You are destined to ‘get’ this thing! 

Remind me… Why is it so important to learn to slow down?

Presence. So you can bring relational presence to your interactions. So you can be present to others. So you can bring yourself, your whole self, to the party of life. So you can go about ‘feeling groovy’.

What is the meaning of ‘groovy’, actually?

In the groove, of life. In flow. In the zone. In one’s correct, best place and space. With mojo. Going with what is, without resistance, hesitation, deviation… Practise today, especially as you find yourself singing aloud whenever you trigger your GoSlo off, the art of feeling groovy. 

Really? “Today I am feeling groovy.” Ugh… {cringe?}

Let it be what it is meant to be. Don’t add or detract. Try the phrase. Let it do it’s thing for you. Remember, this is not about ‘being cool’, it’s about developing the capacity for relational presence. Now, that’s groovy. 

Ok… Will do. Ty.

Today I am feeling groovy.

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med | Aerobic | Qigong	2:0:2
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	Yes, until eve
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	Nope… night out
Med minutes	2
Active minutes	27m
Steps	9194
Food: Coffee&cream; broccoli&lentils&mayo; Evening:naked burger (yes, no bread, good), sweetpotatofries; two ciders; diet coke
Dry?	Nope.
Screens off	12.30… :///
In bed (with books..)	12.30 – 7.32am
Hours slept (as per next morning)	6h33m

 ***********

Today is the 28th `Nov 2018, a special day for me. I’ve just had a week’s break from writing here, partly as it’s been busy, and partly as I felt I needed a reboot  and consolidate the MEDS protocols.

I’d like to talk to the parts of me that might be resistant:

• to clearing the decks, and
• to developing the habits of maximised ‘human potential’

This is the Part of you that is resistant to ‘clearing the decks’: 

“I am Conservative Clare. I would have things stay the same as I can’t trust you not to sweep away the things we actually need to survive. I watched you let our livelihood go, so many times! You are a self-sabotager, who slaps away the hand that feeds you, out of your ridiculous sense of guilt and low self-worth.”

Woah… Well, thanks for letting me know that CC. What do you need to have in place to be able to trust me to let go of the old? By which I mean, first off, to let go of the old clothes, furniture, books, papers, knicknacks, ornaments, archives etc that clutter up our space and mind?

Conservative Clare: I need you to put a flag in the sand which states your vision for yourself, and allows people to know where to find you for your services. You can’t chuck away the goods if you will never let people in to bring you new goodness. 

Is this my ‘brochure’ that you are referring to?

CC: It’s more than that. You can’t be trusted to hand out or circulate your brochures. You hang on to them, like everything else. You are the hanger-on-er, not me. 

I am the hanger-on-er? Why do I do that then? I thought you were the conservative one, resistant to change?

CC: I try to conserve a basic status quo in the face of your cowardice. 

Easy tiger. I can see you are angry. What would you have me do then?

CC: Own your own entity. 

But doing so has not necessarily been a ‘safe’ step in the past.

CC: Because you didn’t own it. You gave it away. Which is precisely why we have to stop you clearing the decks. You constantly chuck the precious baby out with the bathwater, because you don’t believe you are worthy to hold the precious baby. 

OK, Conservative Clare. Thank you for letting me know why you do what you do. I appreciate that. I take on board what you are saying. I need my flag in the sand. On a high enough pole that people can see it.

Dear Heart. What do I need to know, feel or do to be able to define my flag and raise it above the parapet?

This is the part of you resistant to ‘developing the habits of maximised ‘human potential”…

“I am Damp Daphne… I am the part of you which would remain pliable and soft, like a [say it]… damp cloth. I can be used by others and that way I feel ‘servicial’. My utilitarianism makes me feel its ok to take up space and be present. I can be used for all kinds of purposes – other people’s purposes.”

This is horrid.. 🙁   Guys. Be nice.

Damp Daphne: I am extremely nice. So nice, that I am known for my agreeableness. I am super-obliging and helpful. 

Ok, Damp Daphne. What do you need from me for you to feel comfortable to take a step back from my arena of life?

DD: You don’t need an all-purpose cloth, if you have but one purpose. 

One purpose…

DD: Can you hear that…?

Yep….   ://

DD: “Ooh, heaven is a place on earth…”

Ok, I get it… Let’s get the lyrics up…

Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We’ll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

Heaven is a place on earth, Belinda Carlisle (1987)

I hear you. I know. I feel it too.

Time for a bit of meditation and prayer, dear soul. 

Meditation and Prayer

Forgive me my sins, oh my God.

Forgiven. Calm down, slow down…

Recall, the days of your life which gave you wonder and joy. What was the common denominator? 

People, creativity and nature.

Excellent. And what is your Personal Credo? 

Everyone can be happy.

And what do they say about heaven? 

Love comes first. 🙂

So, are you confident to hold up a flag that says this…? eg.:

“Love comes first – thanks to ‘people, creativity and nature’, everyone can be happy.”

No… Not quite. Are you coaching me?

Say it in your words.

“Everyone can be happy.

People, creativity and nature bring happiness.

And of all things that foster happiness, love comes first.”

There’s a last part to this though, isn’t there?

It’s the willingness to live by this credo, and share it, and teach it. 

Don’t I?

Do you? What would today look like if ‘love came first’? 

Is it about getting into the mode of ‘heaven is a place on earth’ according to our perception of such a notion?

Close. Very close. We are discerning heaven around us. Heaven is there; it is for us to bring it into focus. 

Like the way a camera might stay in the same place but switch focus from foreground to background. Like, it might start focussed on a tiny piece of ‘scrap’ metal, and the camera pulls focus and you see the metal is part of an immense and beautiful iron sculpture.

Lovely. 

So maybe, ‘love comes first’ is the larger fuller background. I get fixed on the scrap metal (tasks, work, emails..) forgetting the backdrop of it all: love. This is all about love. (Which I actually heard my Dad discuss…”Art is all about love relationships.” Mind-blowing.)

Beautiful. Yes, it is indeed ‘all for love’. So, as you settle the physiological ANS (autonomic nervous system) before you work, likewise you recall the backdrop of Love before you work. 

How can I dedicate this year of my life to the notion of “They say in heaven love comes first; We’ll make heaven a place on earth”?

Softly. Just enjoy the remembrance of where you are. In heaven, there is nowhere to go, nothing to do. All simply is, and it is love. Recall the frequency of love. Can you download that frequency into your being? 

Yes. Today, and this year, I am downloading the frequency of love. Thank you.

Today and this year, I am downloading the frequency of love

 

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MEDITATION? YES – 14 mins silent

EXERCISE? YES – walking round town on special day  #STEPS: 9253

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO DRY today? NO… Morning: coffee and cream Lunch: GF pizza – amazing – and cider Evening: V&DCokes, Indian restaurant

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO Screens off:      /    Lights out: 12ish Wake up the next day:              Virtually no sleep!       Total sleep: 3?

 

I sometimes feel that when I draw myself up to really move forward (and act expediently), I attract the most out-there balancing (or draining) forces… So yesterday, I spent the rest of the morning drawing up a wall of posters about connecting with those 12 Cherished Clients. It was brilliant and I felt so positive and clear and uplifted. I came back to my room from getting some lunch, and picked up my phone (to google the lyrics for Hey Jude – specifically I wanted the phrase, ‘Take a sad song and make it better’ which had been playing in my head around the theme of the conflict resolution work…) I was on a positive roll, with the End In View. There, on my phone, were two really unpleasant and intimidating messages from a person who had found my number and originally messaged me in a seemingly concerned and friendly manner after my TV appearance earlier in the month. It completely threw me. I could go into it all now, but this person took enough of my valuable energy yesterday (and during the night). So, no. Not now.

After an afternoon of crying, lamenting and seeking advice from the national stalking helpine etc, I spent some time listening to Laura Eisenhower last night, and on her advice around grounding, rooting and anchoring ourselves, using our creativity and unique voice, and holding ourselves in our sovereignty, in order that we might (safely and effectively) participate in the work of bringing forward unity consciousness. I do feel that I do need to learn/assimilate really good grounding and energetic protection techniques. I’ve studied this over the years and go in waves of practising it… I don’t find it an enjoyable use of time, like some might do…. But that’s probably because I haven’t been tuned in enough to what it actually does. I’ve always wanted to believe we live in a benign world. And that may well be true – as long as you go along with the terms of quarantine. But maybe we can’t participate in the unfolding of the peaceful new without attracting the attention, dismay and disruptive intervention of the old. 

I liked the ideas I mulled over yesterday, about our simply picking certain versions of our self out of the unified field with our thoughts. If you can imagine it, it is activated, right? The guy behind the nasty messages actively tried to trigger certain self-images… quite powerfully. Interesting. But we have choice. We can pick out and activate any image/version of our self from the quantum, zero-point, timeless universe, and bring it in to the Now, right?

Any. Version. You. Like. 

Cool. I thought so. How?

Remember that game you so enjoy: ‘Acting As If’? But this time it’s, in a sense, ‘Being As If’. You select the positive state you wish to play with, and you download it in to your operating system for a while. You affirm this with internal statements using your name.

An example would be: “I am ATHLETE [your name]” – and you can just be that person for a while. Then another positive state will come to mind, and you ‘download’ that new one, maybe with an anchoring gesture… and make your new statement. eg “I am ACHIEVER / HEALER / COMEDIAN / ANGEL / DANCER / BIG-HEARTED / PEACEMAKER / ENERGISED [your name]” It should feel flowing and fun. In these exercises, you are disrupting the old sleeping versions of yourself, as much as integrating new potential versions of you. 

We call these various self-versions ‘avatars’. 

Let me check an online definition of ‘avatar’:

“Generally speaking, an avatar is the embodiment of a person or idea. However, in the computer world, an avatar specifically refers to a character that represents an online user.” (Ref) 

Interesting…! Especially in terms of my thinking about notions of our played-out life being akin to playing a character in an online game… And yes, the embodiment of IDEAS. I shall play this game today… It’s Dia de Muertos too, so I shall also play PSYCHOPOMP [my name]. This game is about exercising my will. I like it. My anchoring gesture will be: hands on heart, to receive the download.

Keep grounded, anchored and rooted above all else. This is not about floating away in imagination. It is precisely about the embodiment of chosen states. Think more of ‘activating’ the avatars, than playing them. This is not ‘acting’ any more. This is about inhabiting your higher frequency personhood.

Excuse me?

Blessed are the cheesemakers… 

Ok. I hear you. May we all be blessed, may we all be protected, may we all inhabit our highest frequency, and may we all gently learn how this all works.

Today I am activating avatars.

********************

Meditation: 20 mins of MEDITATION? No – maybe 10, of grounding / prayer

Exercise: ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – gentle walking to/from work #STEPS: 6500

Diet: BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY DRY today? NO – one lager tinny MORNING: My muesli, probiotic, iron/vit c supplement, quorn stew EVENING: Mexican feast for Dia de Muertos – chicken, tortillas (GF but carby), guac, pico de gallo, black beans, non-diary ice cream (sugar) I want to report on my gut health… I’ve been taking probiotics and vitamins for a week or so now, and really cutting down on the carbs (which exacerbate gut candida)… and suddenly in the last couple of days (after my period and a bad cold), my gut is starting to… purge. It’s like it’s really functioning better and managing to clear my system more thoroughly. I’m feeling less bloated, and I’ve maybe lost a couple of pounds of weight. I can see that, if I start to add proper exercise, and master my sleep, I could really get energy back again. I need to remember that the gut is the key to my wellbeing.

Sleep: IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – got home late from lovely Dia de Muertos evening… abit revved up Screens off:     1am     Lights out: 1am Wake up the next day:            7.30am        Total sleep: 6.5h.

The ‘making progress’ feeling was good yesterday.

I had a successful conflict coaching case and then came home at lunchtime. Completely exhausted. A nap didn’t work, so I eventually deployed the ‘lying on the floor with legs on the bed’ technique for 15 minutes. It helped, and I got going. So much to do. The overwhelm could have grown, but once I got going, it improved. There’s just so much new stuff coming in at the moment. Complex new training commissions; invitations to contribute to (unpaid but interesting/meaningful) stuff; Christmas plans; financial things to sort out; interviews (today I’m speaking to GH magazine and the FT…). Maybe we’re all being swept up in the rip-tide of busy-ness. There is surely another way. There’s got to be. My body has absolutely no more beans left to service any further panic on the dance-floor…

Yesterday’s prioritisation system was good. ‘Here’s my list of actions, and here they are numbered in order of priority: Item 1, 2, 3…’

Yes, prioritising was good, though I ended up with a list of five ‘Item 0’s which I ended up squishing in as even more urgent than 1, 2 and 3!

Good. Do it again. A whole new list in your wonderful Planner. Bless yourself with the sequence of priorities. But for now…. today is a busy day. No more writing. Get to Priority Number 1, which is 20 mins of Meditation with Insight Timer, followed by a little stretch. And… go!

Today I am prioritising

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Meditation: 20 mins of MEDITATION? YES

Exercise: ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – walking to office and back #STEPS: 8909 (6km)

Diet: BRAIN-MAKER DIET?  NEARLY DRY today? YES MORNING: My muesli, probiotics/NAC, chicken stew from Pret, 100% choc, Berocca drink, seaweed crisps EVENING: steamed kale & quinoa (at 5pm), cottage pie ready meal at 8pm, G&T Pleased about getting supplements back in. I think the probiotics are starting to help clear the gut microbiome. Must remember to keep adding fermented food eg simply sauerkraut, ACV water. Get some cocount kefir? It’s all about the microbiome, people. Also, I want to have a little think about the evening wagon fall-off – I’m doing really well in the day time and then falling for high-carbs (potato) or alcoholic drinks, and late-evening snacks. I wonder how I can really get closure on my evenings without gorging…? Need to invite the answers in. 🙂

Sleep: IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – got carried away with phone Screens off:  10.50pm  Lights out: 11pm Wake up the next day:             6am       Total sleep: 7h. Ok.