Author: Dialogues Of Discernment

In truth, yesterday was a really tough day. I was physically exhausted and spent most of the day either sleeping, or working in bed, on the urgent task of prepping my first significant online training for today. I cried ‘for Britain’ several times – triggered by something heart rending I’d seen or read, but not really being able to name why I felt so terribly sad. It was good to process emotions out of my body though. It felt like a purging of sadnesses.

It’s dawning on me that I have been so over-stimulated for so long, that just stopping is feeling like being in freefall. So much is floating up. Matt Kahn talks about the ego as ‘the over-stimulated nervous system’. YES. I am a cortisol cocktail at the moment. My poor system. I need to throw myself at HARMONY, LOVE, CONNECTION, PEACE like a groupie throwing themselves at their idol. Because it is getting tough out there, and there’s no time for the bifurcation game of:

• on the one hand, love is all
• but actually, I withhold my love for xyz because, hm, judgement

Look at this from a bench in my tiny hamlet… Sh*t’s getting real out here:

But this is just a lightener ahead of the really shocking news of yesterday. For months, I’d turn the radio off at the sound of his voice, full of my own anger and judgment at this man. But no one deserves this. This coronavirus takes no prisoners.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-52192604

Last night, I finished When Breath Becomes Air, the extraordinary memoir of the neurosurgeon, Paul Kalanithi, written at pace in the last year of his life with terminal illness, before his death aged 37, leaving behind a wife and 8 month old daughter. I cried from my belly upwards. Again.

Suddenly, in this miraculous time of life and death; of racing against the tragedy of time, and sitting still with the infinite springtime birdsong, I am getting glimpses of that concept I’d barely resonated with before: Life is short. And it might be shorter than any of us expect. And when death comes, will we have given all we could? When I say ‘given’, I don’t necessarily mean, served our life out to collapse exhausted at the finish line, I mean this… Will we have been honest enough, and unabashed enough, to have given what’s in us to give and to do? Will we have been able to have overcome our shames and hesitations in time?  

It seems to me, if we can overcome our shames and hesitations, there is so much that can be enjoyed and relished and basked in. And, there is so little time in this life… I’m starting to get to grips with this notion, at last: today counts!

What say you? Today, we will have no Zen Mind reading. It’s the just the book’s Epilogue to go, and I want to have good time for that. What say you?

When we remove judgment, criticism or ill-will in all contexts, life returns us the favour. When we can be at peace with all that is, and see none of it as ‘bad’, ‘wrong’ or even ‘worthy of punishment’, the world becomes a benign and benevolent place. The world ceases to be the court room and prison which the ego would see it to be. It becomes the sanctuary for all aspects of creation. It becomes the forgiver and merciful. The world becomes the playroom in which all are seen to be ‘just learning’. Even the biters! Everyone is here to learn their spiritual lessons. That is all. Too often, we expect everyone to have learnt all their lessons. You’ll notice, occasionally, those who learn their lessons fast leave the planet a little early for the liking of their beloved ones. So, hey, there is no rush. All is evolving beautifully. 

Shame is a great balloon-burster, a fantastic party-pooper. Spot your shames today, or your anticipatory shames, and race your loving compassion in there.

Spot too, your judgment of others. Wherever you deploy condemnation, of self or of other, notice your impulse, and free it gently. Release all condemnation now. Do not condemn yourself or others to punishment for invented crimes. Forgive yourself and forgive all. 

Everyone is doing their best.

They are doing their perfection! If anyone should shock or annoy you, it is to show you that you still have judgment in you. Thank them for that.

Release all judgment, dear soul. Release it now. Cease to condemn. You will find such release in stepping down your inner judge. Such blessed release.

Say: all are doing their perfection! And embrace all that you see as “Perfect!”

Embrace all that you see as “Perfect!”

****

Later:

All is Perfect. Even the unspeakable shames which can not speak their holy names… Why? Because in the revealing of them to ourselves, we can acknowledge and forgive ourselves.

BUDDHA’S ENLIGHTENMENT “If you take pride in your attainment or become discouraged because of your idealistic effort, your practice will confine you by a thick wall.” Zen Mind p131

I feel incredibly sluggish today. Drained by a poor night’s sleep and the old ‘back to work’ dread.

What are you dreading, dear soul? 

Specifically, I’m really hoping my training – hastily put online and massively adapted for the purposes – is going to fly. Is this ‘taking pride in my attainment’ and deploying ‘idealistic effort’? I certainly feel confined by a thick wall today. Help me out please.

***Zazen5mins***

You must find it hard in these times. 

I guess so. I’m not getting the stimulation of movement which I find so calming. I’m having to sit with my stuff in this less distracted time. I’m having to be more aware of what is actually going on in my life.

And what is going on in your life? 

I think I’d like to be doing more of what I am actually good at. That would reassure me in this world.

How can you activate that? 

Simplifying. Circulating.

Yesterday in the woods I had a brainwave, about my usp in neurodiversity…

And how will that look this week? 

It all feels like so much work…

What One Thing could you do? 

Put the word on my website.

I feel such unspeakable heaviness today. Was it the red wine or over-eating of last night? I’m so inflamed, bloated and …

Steady, sailor, Come right back. You are doing amazingly. Everyone is doing amazingly.

At the weekend (Saturday 4th April), I made this blog open online. With my name on it. For the first time ever. I’d finally decided I was done with desperately trying to hide my personal self ‘lest it should destroy my professional self.’ I finally decided, I’d love to work with the people at the centre of the Venn diagram circles of:

• those who can tolerate my actual self (ie reading this)
• those who have a conflict and want support
• those who have money to pay for services

I always felt that the first people and the last people did not overlap. But maybe this coronavirus era will change some of that. Maybe, my HSPness and my Aspieness will be make more sense in this new era. And maybe, if people wouldn’t want to work with me if they saw these dialogues, it’s better that they see them and make that decision. At last, I’d rather not ‘mask’ my actual self for business purposes. That’s a huge step.

So, on what happened to be the date ‘444’ (4/4/2020), I finally de-bifurcated myself and blended what had been ‘the masked professional’ and ‘the secret soul sister’ . And for that I am pleased. And it feels like a good to have arisen out of the CV19 period, for my part.

But maybe this is why I feel uncomfortable today. Like people might be looking at me. I haven’t told anyone this blog is online, so years could pass before anyone sees this, let alone anyone I know… But nonetheless. Maybe that’s why I feel antsy. Ayudame.

We see you spanning into your future. Today is a really good day to keep the parameters of your planning-and-reaching really simple. This CV19 era is not the time in which you need to do anything major. It is a time of rest and care and modesty and humility. There is no need to impress anyone. Find ways in which others can find themselves to be impressive. Let others be big or impressive today. Keep it simple. 

Yesterday, two major things happened in your country: 

Your Prime Minister was admitted to hospital with coronavirus: 

Your Queen addressed the nation on coronavirus, and urged people to remain ‘united and resolute’, with the British attributes of ‘self-discipline; quiet, good-humoured resolve, and fellow-feeling’, pausing to reflect in prayer or meditation and calling on science and ‘compassion to heal’:

Would you like any more significant times? Can you fathom the moment you are in? Can you give yourself compassion for feeling dread at stepping into a week of work if you expect yourself to be acting in a ‘business as usual’ mode, or worse still a ‘and now I pivot my whole business in one fell swoop’ mode?

When we said that the keyword for this project was ‘pivot’, we must assure you of one thing: it’s an internal pivot at hand. 

Ok, so what is that pivot? What’s at one end of the stick and what’s at the other?

On one end is discord; on the other is harmony. That would be plenty to work with for now. 

And what do you mean by harmony here?

Converging energies, pulsating as one. 

Oh, well then! Why didn’t you say? I’m sure I have some of those in my drawer here…

Very funny, sweet soul. You know what a harmony is. You know the joy it brings you in singing. You sense it. Your body senses it. Can you find harmonies today? What harmonises well? Take your laser beam of attention, and use it to spot harmonies today. That will serve you beautifully. Empty your mind a little as well. Don’t strain to attain or deploy any idealistic efforts. Just looks for what harmonises. What resonates. What complements. What goes together well. 

Does that feel better? 

Yes. I can play with this today. I feel lighter. What’s the final Message..?

Look for harmonies today. 

Thank you. I will.

Look for harmonies

****

Later:

Where I found harmonies:

• Qigong in the garden
• In my routine
• In empty-headed naps
• In the birdsong on my walk
• In the uplifting talks I listened to
• In underlying a quote on calling in When Breath Becomes Air, and another piece of paper falling out with a quote on calling from Reality Transurfing
• In thinking about my upcoming training as ‘people finding connection’

Tenderness. By the end of yesterday, ‘tenderness’ was the ‘good stuff emerging’ that I decided  that I valued more than anything else. We are become tenderised by this pandemic. And that is ‘good stuff’.

Even if we are getting tenderer simply by being forced to stay at home, and be with the feelings arising in us, and not get the daily buzz from ‘action’ or the daily filip from ‘being someone’ in this world… that is good stuff.

There is a sense that the dominant masculine energies are finding balance, or at least, allowing the divine feminine energies to flow fully into the planetary experience. 

What do you mean?

The divine feminine can tolerate stillness. 

And the divine masculine can’t?

Generally, divine masculine is ‘momentum-seeking’. 

Let’s read, to discover more. 

***Reading***

Of course, again it’s perfect. ‘Just to sit without any idea of gain‘ = stillness without momentum-seeking…

EXPERIENCE, NOT PHILOSOPHY: Zazen practice is the practice in which we resume our pure way of life, beyond any gaining idea, and beyond fame and profit. By practice we just keep our original nature as it is. There is no need to intellectualize about what our pure original nature is, because it is beyond our intellectual understanding. And there is no need to appreciate it, because it is beyond our appreciation. So just to sit, without any idea of gain, and with the purest intention, to remain as quiet as our original nature—this is our practice. Zen Mind p124

***Zazen15minTimer***

Look for what you want to see in this world, at this time. Tenderness – yes. The possibility of stillness – yes. Momentum with mission – yes. A balance between divine feminine and divine masculine – yes. Now is the time for all possibilities to be pulled into reality. Choose your reality carefully. Ask yourself: what is my version, or vision, of heaven on Earth. And then, where you can, spot it. If your vision of heaven on Earth is ‘tenderness’, then make it your practice today to spot tenderness, to daydream tenderness, to feel tenderness welling up in you, to act from that sensation of tenderness and – most of all – to bring tenderness to yourself. For that is where is all begins. It begins with how we treat ourselves. We treat ourselves as residents of hell or of heaven, and our reality is borne out of that treating. So treat yourself tenderly today, sweet soul, and all other tenderness will follow. 

Thank you. <3

Treat yourself tenderly

Basking in the feeling of loving others – or FOLO as I have been calling it these last two days – is so good. It’s a natural state of ease, of physical relief, of positive attention. When we are basking in FOLO, there’s not really much else ‘to do’ – our actions becomes secondary to the flowing, connected, in touch feeling state. It’s so much easier to forget about ourselves, and drop masks when  our attention is on that other being, in a state of loving.

If only…

Go on. Get it off your chest. 

If only some people…

We hear you. ‘…weren’t so unlovable’?

Ssh!

Think about it. The people you felt were acting in such unlovable ways: were they people you knew well or didn’t know well? 

They were people I didn’t know well. Acquaintances. Or ‘strangers’.

Excellent. So let’s ask you something. Is it just a coincidence that you only know (and know well) the lovable people? Or..? 

Or is it that it’s easier to love people when you know them? Yes.

In other words, when we are strangers to each other, our behaviours can seem alienating, jarring, unprincipled. Right? 

Partly, I feel it’s that some people are in a very wired state at the moment. Others are very, hm, neurotypical-acting and maybe I’m becoming less capable of vibing in that state as I spend more time in my own space. People can be really shocking in work communications… But maybe I’ve re-developed some sensitivity. What do you think?

Maybe you are being tested on the old skill of keeping focus on what lights you up, what interests you, what tickles you, what feels fun. 

But with work – and weirdly, it’s week 3 and we’ve all just normalised working from home, and the ‘special consideration for each other’ factor has diminished… possibly because some people are crawling up the walls trying to parent and work simultaneously – you have to give attention to whatever arises.

Maybe you are being tested on the old skill of keeping focus on what lights you up, what interests you, what tickles you, what feels fun. 

Haha. It tickles me when you do that. Ok. So, open my eyes fully to the ticklers, and give somewhat fleeting attention to the less-tickling? THAT would be a good skill. That would be a 180 degree reversal on some of my old ways. I like it. As my beloved Mum taught me, shrug your shoulders at the ones giving you trouble.

Shall we read?

*****

Ha! It’s uncanny. Another chapter which speaks directly to the themes I’m running for the day! Here, we look at how it’s ok that ‘we love flowers, and we do not care for weeds.’ The problems arise when we ‘point out anything in particular’ – when we try and draw attention to that which we don’t like or, I guess, make special/exclusive something we do. Being open and accepting to all that is – aka being non-attached – including that which we love and that which we hate, is to recognise that ‘in essence they are the same’.

ATTACHMENT, NON-ATTACHMENT: Dogen-zenji said, “Although everything has Buddha nature, we love flowers, and we do not care for weeds.” This is true of human nature. But that we are attached to some beauty is itself Buddha’s activity. That we do not care for weeds is also Buddha’s activity. We should know that. If you know that, it is all right to attach to something. If it is Buddha’s attachment, that is non-attachment. So in love there should be hate, or non-attachment. And in hate there should be love, or acceptance. Love and hate are one thing. We should not attach to love alone. We should accept hate. We should accept weeds, despite how we feel about them. If you do not care for them, do not love them; if you love them, then love them. … Nevertheless, as Dogen said, “A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it.” Even though it is so, this is our life.  … Emotionally we have many problems, but these problems are not actual problems; they are something created; they are problems pointed out by our self-centered ideas or views. Because we point out something, there are problems. But actually it is not possible to point out anything in particular. Happiness is sorrow; sorrow is happiness. There is happiness in difficulty; difficulty in happiness. Even though the ways we feel are different, they are not really different, in essence they are the same. This is the true understanding transmitted from Buddha to us. Zen Mind p118-121

May I soften my inner state so that I am less dualistic.

May I be tickled by that which tickles me, and accepting of that which I don’t care for.

May I have that breadth, that expansiveness of vision to be unruffled by the things that trouble me.

May I have the self-assurance not to have to centre-stage my likes and dislikes, but to be able softly to put my arms round all that I experience. Like the archetypal teacher who roots for all the children in her class, the studious ones and the naughty ones. May I bring that kind of ‘rooting for them’ acceptance to all the things I think I like and don’t like. And, crucially, the people too.

May I know that all, in its infinite variety, is a part of the blessed whole.

And yet, may I magnify that which I love, in my own mind, for the sheer bliss of it. I feel sure that our capacity for love is important. If you love flowers and don’t care for the weeds, while loving all… you still do your gardening! You still pull out the weeds, and gaze in appreciation at your flowers. Right?

Exactly so. It is simply that you are less perturbed – or offended – by the weeds. That which troubled you about the acquaintances yesterday was simply that which lies unresolved in you. 

The ‘Poor me’ story? I thought I’d worked on that shadow!!

If you had cleared ‘Poor me’ in you, it wouldn’t have troubled or offended you when you saw it in another person. (You wouldn’t have run and told G about it.)

Yes. That is true. So…

So at this precious time in human history, admit that you like flowers. Admit that you love tending flowers in your garden. Admit that you don’t like weeds. Admit that you clear weeds from your garden. 

I’m guessing we’re speaking metaphorically here. I guess you’re asking me to admit to the things I really like, and to be truthful about what I don’t like. To be coherent and authentic, in other words.

Well, that takes some presence of mind: a) to be honestly aware of what that is and b) to be able to articulate it.

What a great exercise, eh?!

Haha. Yes.

What are your flowers? What are your weeds? If you know that we don’t vilify weeds – we just lovingly remove them from the garden – it’s easier to be honest about what we consider weeds. It’s about honest appraisal. The painter who uses all the colours on her palate so that none ‘feel left out’ doesn’t necessarily get the painting she was actually after. Look at your garden, or your painting, with the eyes of a creator. You love all plants and all colours, but what is the most pleasing combination in your eyes in the scene in front of you? In your eyes, dear friend, not any one else’s. What is your perfect flower garden, your stirring watercolour? What tickles you? What pleases you? 

You are the Creative Source in action. Use your discernment as an artist would. Create beauty, create darkness, create shock, create peace. Create whatever is in you to create. You will know, because it will light you up. 

Choose what tickles you, what pleases you, what lights you up.

Focus on what tickles you

#FOWTY

#FOWTYTOWERS!

Hello, dear Special Interest. You know, I realised this morning that it’s been nearly 4 weeks of social distancing for me. I got a cold on the 3rd March (today is the 28th March) and, out of respect for concerns about the incoming coronavirus, I cancelled my in-person meetings for a few days. Then my bookings gradually started to get picked off – one by one, from the 12th March. Between 3rd and 28th March I’ve left home (but not the village, where I’ve taken walks daily) as follows:

• 8th – an evening class (4 hours out)
• 11th – 1 hour training session and visit to a small shop (3 hours out)
• 13th – to see my parents (3 hours out)
• 15th – birthday lunch out and evening class (7 hours out)
• 18th – urgent 9 hour round trip to collect DD from uni (12 hours out)

= 28 hours away from home/village in the last 576h (24h x 24 days – 3rd and 28th March)

=548 hours at home/village since 3rd March

My car is gathering dust in the drive. What days. What mercies, really: to be here, safe for now. Holding the fort with two of my loved ones, with enough supplies (G has been out for shopping twice since restrictions came into play), and endless access to video calls with family, friends and colleagues. Outside, where the sun has been shining for days, woods and fields roll out endlessly, so our  government-permitted ‘daily walks’ are exquisite.

Beyond the boundaries of our sweet village, things are very different for many. Am I volunteering to help at the front lines? Alas, no. But I am trying to turn my business round and remain financially self-sustaining… I’m starting to feel a bit conflicted.

You have all been asked to stay at home. Be at home for now. 

It’s been nearly four weeks!

Feeling the stir..?

I am enjoying the new routines, and not being so physically exhausted. But yes, maybe I am starting to miss the stimulation? Time to dig in?

Life’s what you make it, so let’s make it right…

Sorry. I think that was me, not you….Can’t concentrate today because I’m in company…

Let’s read. 

Wait. I have one more thing to say. THE WHEELS ARE COMING OFF THIS WORLD. COMING OFF, I TELL YOU. And within this all, the battle of STO vs STS (service to others/self) is raging at full pace. The STO-minded people are excelling themselves: NHS staff, key workers, NZ govt, community volunteers. The spirit of love, selflessness and mutual care is extraordinary. A network has sprung up in the village here and partnered with a local shop: vulnerable people in the village can order shopping from the shop and village volunteers will collect it and take it to their doorstep.

On the other hand, the STS-minded people are going wild: NHS staff are being assaulted or having their NHS id stolen; people are going into hospitals to steal supplies; the UK government just handed billions of public money to corporations; the US president has insisted he wants people to pack the churches on Easter Sunday (12th April); angry people are coughing at strangers in the street; East Asian people, including nurses, are receiving abuse – as if personally responsible for this (while data is starting to show that CV19 may have started in the US, which didn’t stop Trump calling it the “Chinese virus” and fuelling xenophobia); our PM, Health Secretary and Chief Medical Officer all have coronavirus and are claiming they can just carry on running the country from home (“It’s just a flesh wound..”); a 17 year old with acute Covid-19 symptoms is turned away from a US hospital for lack of insurance and dies on the way to the public hospital; UK doctors were instructed (before a govt u-turn) not to consider learning disabled or autistic people with CV19 for priority care in ITU; fake news is rife; the UK government has offered financial support but it won’t be accessible in time to protect people, and it entirely favours large corporates; the UK govt lied that it ‘missed the email’ from the Europe Commission about participating in the mass procurement of ventilators (the UK was actually party to all the meetings in which this was discussed)… And yesterday, 900 people died in Italy! We’re turning the Excel Centre in to a literal f-ing hospital for 4000 people – 2 rooms, each 1km long, are to be filled with beds. A warehouse in Birmingham airport is being prepared as a morgue for up to 12000 bodies.

Hey. Hey, you. Softly. We hear you. Softly with yourself. We know. And there is so very much more.

We are seeing a ‘reset’ of sorts. We say ‘of sorts’ because it is still not clear where it is heading. 

What we do know though, is that it is really important at this time for you, for everyone, to keep looking up and over – to the other side of the stream. This ‘other side of the stream’ exercise (of earlier in the week) is not just about you manifesting your dreams, sweet one. Though you are always welcome to. Always. This is about you all ‘landing’ a system upgrade, as you have collectively been working on and anticipating for years. Remember 2012? 

A system upgrade.

A system upgrade. So set your thoughts on the incoming iOS, and not on the outgoing one. Ok?

This is the ‘sensing the delicacy of heaven on Earth’ stuff too, right?

Exactly. If you can think of it more neutrally, as a system upgrade seeking to download, you will be in a different space. You are invited to hold a state of ‘anticipation’. 

Anticipation of…?

The Good. 

Ok. Nice. Tell me more.

Imagine: The Good iOS is seeking to download itself into The Matrix of human existence. If you were an actor (in this ‘film’) who could see that this was happening, how would you act? 

Emboldened. Hopeful. Rock-steady. Alert. Poised…

That’s it. That’s exactly it. Be that actor. 

Now shall we read?

Yes. Ty.

*****

Brilliant. I love this writing/reading/writing process. The chapter’s theme is akin to ‘anticipation’: readiness.

READINESS, MINDFULNESS: The important thing in our understanding is to have a smooth, free-thinking way of observation. We have to think and to observe things without stagnation. We should accept things as they are without difficulty. Our mind should be soft and open enough to understand things as they are. When our thinking is soft, it is called imperturbable thinking. This kind of thinking is always stable. It is called mindfulness. Thinking which is divided in many ways is not true thinking. Concentration should be present in our thinking. This is mindfulness. Whether you have an object or not, your mind should be stable and your mind should not be divided. This is zazen. … Wisdom is not something to learn. Wisdom is something which will come out of your mindfulness. So the point is to be ready for observing things, and to be ready for thinking. This is called emptiness of your mind. Emptiness is nothing but the practice of zazen. Zen Mind p115

So, essentially, mindfulness is about remaining in a soft, smooth, free-thinking frame of mind, to be ready for observing and to be ready for thinking. It’s a kind of pre-thought, empty, ready state – stable and not divided.

You could almost call it: ‘Emboldened. Hopeful. Rock-steady. Alert. Poised…’

Ha! You could. Abraham talks about ‘being ready to be ready to be ready’. If I’m 100% honest, I need to admit I’ve never fully felt it or got it…

Think of that actor who knows the Good iOS is coming. Look how poised she is. Do you know the Good iOS is coming? Do you live your days by that knowledge?

That’s a really good point. And the answer is… I’ve spent some 26 years with full knowledge that we are definitively evolving. Bringing up my children showed me that we are evolving fast. I know this to be true. Do I live by this? Do I share this perspective? Not truly. A little bit. But often, I just keep quiet. It doesn’t seem to be a popular perspective. People can be quite judgmental when I speak from this knowing. So I learnt not to. And also, life humbled me enough to teach me to allow people to be where they are without my ‘interventions’. Also, I tired of what I called my Cassandra syndrome: predicting something, being dismissed out of hand as an idiot and then after the event, people coming back and saying, “Oh yeah, that’s funny, I remember you saying…” (I’ve noticed others online starting to talk about feeling like Cassandra. I guess those of us who are intuitive/HSP/autistic are receiving a lot of data these days.)

Also, to be frank, there’s not much comfort in kicking back and saying, “Hey, I can see the future. Man, it’s golden!” when the old system is cracking and crumbling and it’s causing shock, suffering and dismay. And it’s not like it’s merely a case of ‘the old system falling away and a new one being born’. The old system has gone rogue, man! Rogue, I tell you. It’s gone full psychopath at an institutional level in this country. And I KNOW this from what I saw when I was unwell and on state benefits. The degree of establishment cruelty towards our vulnerable people is insane. Maybe one good thing to come out of this situation is the number of people who will suddenly become reliant on the state system and finally find out how punitive it is and have enough energy/astonishment in them to raise awareness. As people, to their horror and chagrin, turn to the benefits system for help in the CV19 turmoil, they will find out that the so-called ‘benefit scroungers’ are systematically forced into penury by a system designed to put a throttle hold round the necks of the poor and vulnerable and disabled – and people will be shocked. I hope.

We hear you. And so. And so. And so… Instead of ‘kicking back’ and letting the good times roll in, what does feel coherent to you?

I guess it’s that readiness. It’s easy to be ready to welcome and usher in new systems in the mild times. But how about maintaining that steady, stable, anticipatory mindset … as the Titanic sinks? No, as the final battles are waged?

There’s no need to name what’s ‘happening’ as it’s hard to get full sight of that. The role is..?

Anticipation. Readiness. Emboldened. Hopeful. Rock-steady. Alert. Poised…

Like you are expecting better days.

Like you can see the cavalry coming in for the rescue.

The main learning today is this: remain mindful; don’t get swept up in divided thinking (good/bad – heaven/hell); hold readiness, poise, anticipation – as a practice. Just practise this. Trust us. Just play the actor who knows the Good iOS is downloading. Play that actor. See the solution on the horizon. See it with your eyes and heart, even when and if others can’t. Play that scene, again and again and again. 

See the solution on the horizon

I sensed that delicacy of heaven on Earth all morning and into the afternoon. And then I went way off that path and undertook an afternoon of hustle, masking and living by a different characterisation of myself, denying the knowledge I hold and spinning tales of fitting in to the NT world… and I reached the evening feeling melancholy and, oh goodness, craving a drink.

A note on drinking: Last year, I did my second year of Dry January all the way up to my end of November birthday, for what I jovially call a ‘Damp December’. This year, I did Dry Jan again and then decided to experiment with ‘drinking at weekends’. This has worked ok for these couple of months so far, but in this staying-at-home era, it’s harder to get a sense of weekday/weekend, and my home companions both drink… and I find I’m getting a bit cravey again. So tedious, because if I can’t get on top of it, then that has to mean no drinking at all. In fact, can we explore this craviness abit now?

Yes! Good morning! It’s wonderful to meet you here. It’s another beautiful morning, and you were here before 6am – without looking at your phone either, so you arrived with a clear mind. Excellent. 

Ha, I get cravey for my phone too, don’t I? Phone and drink are both a bit mind-fogging. Why do I want to mind-fog or check-out?

Do you want to check-out now? 

No, I love this space. I love nothing better than to be here, exploring themes, connecting to what matters and what is, hearing myself think, hearing you, connecting to creation… Except, I could do without that dripping tap. Excuse me. Brb.

How does it feel now you have turned off the dripping tap in the kitchen sink?

Ah, like peace! Bliss.

So, your cravings are about seeking to block out an equivalent ‘dripping tap’. 

And what is that dripping tap?

It would be the voice of your inmost heart, of which we spoke yesterday. In fact, more specifically, the craving is to cover and block out the sense of disappointment felt by the heart after a session of blocking it out in your masking, chameleon, jazz hands, non-sincere state. 

You know the feeling when you are agreeing to doing something, and it gives you a sinking feeling, and you carry on agreeing to it anyway? That’s what we’re talking about. 

Yes. I can think of several interactions yesterday afternoon when I thought: Why am I doing this? or I’m agreeing to this, but it’s not going to turn out so well. ‘

Well, when you’ve spent even an hour or two pressing forward with something you sense to be ‘out’ or ‘icky’ or ‘not quite right’ (clue: often your justification for pressing on regardless will be financial), you will get that disconnected, disappointed-heart sensation. And all the more so, if you have spent the morning in a soft, flexible mind state, ‘sensing the delicacy of heaven on Earth.’

Why do ‘people’ have to be so rigid minded?!

Softly, softly. We hear your frustration, but remember your frustration is with you, not anyone else. Each person’s role is simply to be who they are. When you are true to you, others’ ‘peculiarities’ become just that, and don’t affect or upset or frustrate you. This is so important to understand and remember. 

And again, we would say: focus not on this side of the stream, but on the other side of the stream, and on the stepping stones across the stream. 

In actual truth, it is enough to focus on the other side of the stream (the target slide) for it to come in to being, but for those of you that are a little resistant to goodness flowing to you ‘without hard work’, we say, enjoy the journey, plot it out, take the steps, watch the other side of the stream come closer. Enjoy that. But, like Orpheus in the underworld, stop looking back!

In truth, even looking at your current reality is ‘looking back’, because it was borne out of a past vibrational state. So, secure your present state to the high-flying disc as Abraham calls it, and look forward to the other side of the stream! Oh isn’t that fun, to see it coming closer towards you? Can’t you catch glimpses of little aspects of that new reality, and smile? Can you recognise how you are creating a new time spot for yourself, and give yourself credit for your wonderful imagination, for your gifted day-dreaming, for your ability to out-manifest your heart’s voice? Isn’t that the most wonderful thing? Would you want to keep your mind clear, vivid and awake to see this dream becoming reality? Isn’t this all you knew you wanted, coming to fruition right here, right now? Aren’t you delighted by your mind and the way it dances with your heart and soul? Aren’t you thrilled to be co-creating with all of consciousness right here, right now? And are you seeing, and foreseeing, and co-creating new details of that new reality with each moment, like a painter adding fresh new flowers to a painting? 

Yes, I am! I am seeing days of simplicity and regularity and routine, and yes, ritual. I am seeing time to sit and time to stand. I am seeing the flowing of feelings across the day. I am seeing a timetable with allotted times for all the important activities that please my heart and soul. I am seeing a pattern which arises from a soft and flexible mind. I am seeing a mind that has grown beyond ‘fear of boredom’ and ‘fleeing from under-stimulation’, and that now basks in space to be, quietude to contemplate, openness to dialogue with the greater What-Is. I see a mind that is settled enough genuinely to be able to offer help through the service we provide, at scale – bit by bit, drop by drop. I see a framework for living which is so wholesome and enriching to me, that I can lift it and take it with me (us) on travels, without missing a beat of service or connectivity. I see my mind resting in Big Mind state day after day, and I know that here my beautiful Stim Mind is nourished and tended to.

Ooh, that’s new. My Stim Mind. What is that? I guess it’s like Big Mind but Aspie/Autie style. It’s the gentle state I used to fall in to in childhood, when the world felt so peaceful. I never really recovered from the shock of the rest of the world not being so…! But, I can recover my own delight in Stim Mind, and create conditions for it to thrive: like taking a seedling out of the chilly garden and putting it in the greenhouse.

This has been so good. Let’s read today’s chapter, ‘Emptiness’.

****

This perfect extract points to how essential it is us for us to do our own thing, to ‘make our own way’ – and not copy others:

EMPTINESS: There is no way set up for us. Moment after moment we have to find our own way. Some idea of perfection, or some perfect way which is set up by someone else, is not the true way for us. Each one of us must make his own true way, and when we do, that way will express the universal way. This is the mystery. When you understand one thing through and through, you understand everything. When you try to understand everything, you will not understand anything. The best way is to understand yourself, and then you will understand everything. So when you try hard to make your own way, you will help others, and you will be helped by others. Before you make your own way you cannot help anyone, and no one can help you. To be independent in this true sense, we have to forget everything which we have in our mind and discover something quite new and different moment after moment. This is how we live in this world. Zen Mind p111

This extract is a simple reminder of ‘how to’ do zazen (Zen meditation):

Concentration is not to try hard to watch something. In zazen if you try to look at one spot you will be tired in about five minutes. This is not concentration. Concentration means freedom. So your effort should be directed at nothing. You should be concentrated on nothing. In zazen practice we say your mind should be concentrated on your breathing, but the way to keep your mind on your breathing is to forget all about yourself and just to sit and feel your breathing. If you are concentrated on your breathing you will forget yourself, and if you forget yourself you will be concentrated on your breathing. I do not know which is first. So actually there is no need to try too hard to be concentrated on your breathing. Just do as much as you can. If you continue this practice, eventually you will experience the true existence which comes from emptiness. Zen Mind p113

Time for me to do my zazen practice. 20 mins on the timer. ‘Sit and feel your breathing.’

****

Ah, G came in after 13mins. Sometimes I think my starting a meditation elsewhere in the house actually wakes him up! 🙂

What’s to take away from this lovely dialogue today?

Keep your gaze on the destination, and be emotionally moved by it. Dress it up and adjust its hat to the jaunty angle of your pleasing. Admire it from all angles, with softness and love, like a mother for her baby. Sense the other side of the stream, and watch it start to create itself within your present moment. And when you hesitate, recall Suzuki-roshi’s words: Moment after moment we have to find our own true way…to find the universal way. This is the mystery. Bring awareness to yourself of the bodily feeling associated with being on the path of your own true way: aligned, uplifted, relaxed, at peace. And when you feel otherwise, give yourself that nudge to speak your truth and, if necessary, reverse out of cul de sacs. Find your own true way across the stream to the riverbank of your own new reality. Go the direct route: your route.

Make your own true way.

Thank you. I will do that. And with… certitude, gratitude and… full confidence in the mystery.

Make your own true way.

****

LATER:

G said of the lockdown period:

“If we all carry on unwinding at this rate, in 10 days time people will start reading poetry again!”

Then, when to my dismay I got an ‘urgent’ email from a colleague, G reminded me,

“We are running at poetry speed my friend.”

Spot on.

LATER LATER: I came across another pertinent quote from RT… I’d forgotten about the notions of ‘other people’s pendulums’ – which of course, take you off your own true way.

“This is one of the most paradoxical aspects of the freedom of choice. People really can choose happiness and success for themselves and yet at the same time remain restricted by pendulums that lead them away from the wave of fortune. Here we return to a theme we discussed earlier; to claim freedom of choice you must be independent. You have the right to be free of the influence of other people’s pendulums. ”
― Vadim Zeland, Reality Transurfing Steps I-V

Two days ago, I had my ‘every three year’ video call with my extraordinary friend, SM, whom I have know since school. She speaks truths. She pointed out how I had been ‘seduced‘ by a certain situation a few backs. Again, spot on.

Part of my making my own true way is simply about not being ‘seduced’ by other people’s pendulums. Being aware of this old pattern is really all I need to work with for now. Let’s keep it gentle.

Ooh, look at the 15th century definition of the word ‘seduced’:

Seduce: late 15th century (originally in the sense ‘persuade (someone) to abandon their duty’): from Latin seducere, from se- ‘away, apart’ + ducere ‘to lead’.

So a sense of ‘duty’ is an antidote to seduction…?

Keep it gentle for now, dear friend. Jog gently along now. xx

🙂 Jogging off. Ty for today.