Author: Dialogues Of Discernment

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Create 32: I am letting Parent-Me parent me 

Please can you plug yourself in daily? Go in to the Calm Interiorised Mind. It’s like putting yourself as a phone handset on the phone charger cradle. You think nothin’s happening. But have you noticed (over the years) that you wake your household up when you meditate? Electromagnetic fields are at play. And they are serving a purpose, for you and the wider field. You may not know it, but you are also receiving downloads that inform you not just here (in our dialogues), but across your days… and your life. That’s why it’s so important. And it’s about not meditating with visualisations so much as simply engaging relaxed consciously connected breathing. It’s so grounding, stilling and oxygenating. Let it be what it is. For 3, 5, 10 minutes… It really doesn’t matter. One conscious breath is really all it actually takes to effect the alignment. 

The alignment?

With Source Energy.

Ah. Cool.    } 😀

And in your qigong practice, you are tidying up your vibrational sphere. Again, aligning with light. 

Uh-huh?

Qi = energy = light. It’s a profound medical and spiritual practice. 

Yesterday I bought a new audio programme by Caroline Myss: ‘Holy Language‘. I sensed my word and my knowing need to get re-intertwined a bit…

Working with noting the ‘sinner thoughts’ was so good… There’s been a lot going on under the bonnet I realised could tidy up.

You nearly finished yourself off with the corporate work yesterday. Why your compulsion to serve that un-servable audience? They always, always hurt you. 

It’s a kind of co-dependency… I try to make them happy so they will give me a living….

Yesterday, there was someone in the group (of senior managers) I worked with in another corporate role, which nearly finished me off. Seeing her (and she is THE loveliest person you could meet) sparked a reminder of how I left the corp role behind.

And yet… there you were, serving the corporate audience. We applaud your noble efforts. Leave it to the corporates to speak to the corporates. You, sweet indigo, are now so finely tuned that the corp. freq. hurts you. Child-You thinks work/rewards should be gained by hurt. No.

Parent-You is ready to step up and take you away from that shit, just as you stepped up and took LV out of the school system that hurt her. Ok? Let Parent-You parent you. Ok? Let your inner Tiger Mother reignite herself… for you. Let it be.

Are you saying I should focus on working with…? 

…Those that are thirsting for these insights. Not those being dragged to the water. 

Oooh. My word… I love it.

I’m going to work with Parent-Me parenting me… taking me away from the hurtful, and over to the new friendship group / new school… May I let go of my hook with corporate (which must come from me replicating my father’s work) and enter the world of my own … … …

Vibe Tribe

Holy moley, mother of all that is perfect in this world. Yessssss. My Vibe Tribe.

Everyone has their own Vibe Tribe. They feel comfy in it, and uncomfy out of it. You can see the wonder of social media is that people can find and blend with their very own Vibe Tribe. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life… and it’s feeling good. 

Look at the lyrics here:

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

It’s like the fish, river, blossom are the singer’s Vibe Tribe because “you know how I feel”.

FLOW with your Vibe Tribe, sweet soul, and the anxieties of life will flow away…. But keep tweaking adjusting… as you grow. All of you. This is the work. 

I am letting Parent-Me parent me to flow with my Vibe Tribe. 

Carry Parent-Me forward today. Vibe Tribe will flow on with you in time. It’s all there. Going no where. 

I am letting Parent-Me parent me 

_____

Notes:

  • If I feel tense, panicked and glum with people, that is simply my vibrational GPS telling me: This is not my Vibe Tribe. (Not: push harder to make them happy!)
  • Some of the work on my list feels too easy so I leave it – like MH for mediators!! ‘Everyone’s so friendly and kind… Is it real work?’ It feels like kicking puppies to work with nice people. How upside down is that????!!!!
  • I shall work only with nice people. There.
  • NST-parent says: Chase glamour.
  • AET-parent says: Chase connection.
  • Parent-Me = unconditional love
  • Child-Me = ‘sinner thoughts’
  • Parent-me = wise, can see ahead, forward planning
  • Child-Me = wilful, seeking stimulation, chafing…
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Create 31: I am noting ‘sinner thoughts’, with a little lick of self-compassion

You are empowered to speak through the Eager Say So voice when you can differentiate between the mind ‘having the experience’ (ooh, aah, eek!) and the eternally peaceful, neutral, untouched, unwavering observer consciousness within you that can watch the rollercoaster mind. 

Imagine you are a parent, observing your young child who is on the mini-roller-coaster at the park. Your child is squealing with delight, terror, elation, horror, relief… at every twist and turn. You, on the ground, are able to observe this – and remain at peace. You have access to the knowledge that the child is having a manufactured experience. You can be moved and amused and empathetic… but you are not rushing to rip the child out of her seat. There is no need. You know that this ’emotional’ experience is wholesome learning for the child. 

So, you are saying, I can start to identify with the parent/observer consciousness more? And realise that my rollercoaster mind experience (“Ooh, aah, eek!”) is… ‘manufactured’?

Manufactured is a word that offends you because it sounds like we mean ‘conjured’ or ‘fake’. But we do mean manufactured. It’s manufactured on a closed  loop with your original broadcast. If you broadcast ‘rollercoaster’, you experience more of it. 

The more you can stand back as the observer, the less fuel you add to the rollercoaster mind. 

This is what Pema Chodron calls ‘unhooking’.

Man. Yes. In my rollercoaster mind’s dream I am currently in a hooked entanglement with a few individuals. Can I unhook from that dream?

Instantly. The key is to take your attention off those people, and onto your rollercoaster mind. You can then see the causal point is not those ‘others’, but your identification with the experience you are having with those others. This is GREAT NEWS! Why? Because you have no control whatsoever over ‘others’, but 100% control over your own power to unhook. 

By unhook, we largely mean, step off the rollercoaster. Or at the very least, be the parent watching the child on the rollercoaster. 

So I’d say: “Ah yes, I can see Rollercoaster Mind Me having an experience of wrestling with her guilt, her worry, her fear of it all going wrong. Interesting! I can see her desperately not wanting to say the thing that might hurt (eg to X or Y) but instead leaving them in the dark… far worse! I can see her not wanting to ask A or B, ‘Is this what you mean?’ and second guessing / psychic-ising instead… Interesting phenomena….”

Now, done with real self-parenting, the observing act will bring you self-compassion. You will wish to prevent and alleviate the suffering of the roller coaster you. 

So how? I thought the observer just observed, without judgement?

The Observer has the power to suggest EASE. 

Ah now here’s the interesting thing. Why are rollercoasters popular? Because as humans we LOVE variety, and contrast. It’s a catch 22. Get it all EASEd up, and we start feeling… BORED! Amiright? Where’s the sweet spot between peril/jeopardy/challenge/excitement and inner balance, ease, relief?

The sweet spot is called vibrational alignment. 

I am so, so keen to understand more about this.

MB is your most excellent teacher on this.

**Reads…**

p116. Original Sin. In sum, MB points out that the result of our childhood, and it’s fixation with mind, is that we emerge saying “I am a sinner”. Every time we perceive ourselves as such, we lose awareness of our vibrational essence.

So basically, what I’m inferring is that we can bring awareness to this. Do I basically have ‘I’m a sinner’ thoughts throughout the day? Yes! It’s actually endemic – in me, in us all. And it’s not just about saying, “I’m good enough” as a counter…

Um… That’s a good start. 

Ah, ok… I was going to say that it’s about bringing awareness to how much of a factor of life this ‘sinner thinking’ is.

You can use that awareness as a trigger for its opposite. 

So if I catch myself having some kind of ‘I’m a sinner’ thought, I counter it with ‘I’m not a sinner!’ or ‘I am good enough’??

Observing the mind’s thoughts non-judgementally is the great undoer. So, try just noting, ‘Ah, a sinner thought.’ Note how you condemn self, and other. Note the mind’s compulsion to condemn, self and other. Just note it. And then give yourself a little lick of self-compassion. 

A lick..!

A little lick. 🙂 It’s gotta be cute.

Haha. Ok!

Remember, sinner thoughts hurt. They come with a vibrational sting (or even a taser zap at times). [Hence plumptons. Maybe I should buy that book on chronic shame which looks at the neurobiology of shame…] So give yourself self-compassion for the sting/zap received in the moment of having the thought, but also for the underlying emotional imprinting which apparently is still perpetuating punishment and retribution upon you, all these years later.

Sweet child – the rollercoaster was meant to be fun, not traumatising. So yes, a little lick of self-compassion, because your life was always meant to be soft, sweet, succulent and juicy. 🙂 

Beautiful/ Revolutionary. Thank you. <3

I am noting ‘sinner thoughts’, with a little lick of self-compassion

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Create 30: I am saying so, eagerly #MyEagerSaySo

I am a SPW was a beautiful, empowering mantra to have floating in my consciousness yesterday. It gave me door-openings… It validated certain thoughts and impulses, in a very natural and understated way. I guess this is ‘the grid filling in’, as Abraham would say. I’ve done the groundwork for this.

Yesterday, I walked the full circuit of my walk (for the first time in a while as it’s been so wet and muddy) while the snow fell around me, listening to Abraham-Hicks. Oh, the sense of alignment, of emotional upliftment, of ‘fine-tuning’ the feeling, of realising that the feeling is the thing, of riffing with the word ‘EAGER’. I felt, ‘EAGER is the opposite of FearAngerGrief’. It sums up all of the qualities of safe, resilient, assured, competent, enthused, optimistic…

And we are EAGER to hear your take on the rampage of appreciation you heard yesterday… 

I loved it. I realise it’s all about the present tense, isn’t it? Rather than ‘I am looking forward to feeling strong and powerful’, it’s ‘I am strong and powerful’ or ‘I am learning more vividly every day how strong and powerful I am’. It’s the blossoming of awareness, within the present moment… It’s the seeing, hearing, feeling and knowing the wellbeing of all in every moment.

Tell us of your dreams last night. 

I’m not sure of my dreams, but every time I woke up I found myself planning my first self-commissioned, publicly for sale training… obsessively…

And…

And… You know this is huge.

Huge? This anniversary day is ‘huge’. Let’s get perspective on what is seismic, and what is actually just a natural progression you can EASE in to at will. Because you say so. 

Hm… Ty. Yes, it is a very special anniversary day. <3 [14Feb]

What is this ‘say so‘?

I say so = I create, with my words

Yes. I do. All day long.

Then say what you mean. In eagerness. (Say not what you regret, fear, don’t want.) Say what you mean, eagerly. Say so, eagerly. 

You want me to speak from the place of eagerness, and to possess the feeling of eagerness as I speak?

Your knowing is the impulse behind all that you do. So engage the knowing, at that deep level of assurance. Be unto yourself that which you would be unto others. In other words, lavish praise and attention upon yourself for the sake of fine-tuning the feeling of the moment. This is one end of the spectrum – the other is being driven by unintegrated emotions in your body, aka anxiety, which impels you take (as MB says) ‘any exit’ to escape, flee, sedate the discomfort. Remember, repeatedly lunging at ‘any exit’ amounts to attempting to win Snakes & Ladders by optimistically jumping on the nearest snake, forgetting it will simply return you back to an earlier square each time. 

I can see myself just now… Playing my word game on the phone because it gives me relief from anxiety.

You think it gives you relief. But taking ‘any exit’ is an ‘unhelpful coping strategy’ because the ‘exit’ is no shortcut, but rather a quick helter-skelter back to the original place you thought you were cleverly running from. Every time you exit the moment, you are giving yourself EXTRA work to do to return to where you were. So start where you are, and do the Work with the discomfort… which is to integrate it by being with it, by breathing with it, by looking at it until it withers on its own dodgy vine. 

Equally, create your alternative present, by your EAGER SAY SO. 

The power behind your Voice is the fuel that burns up the anxiety. So engage it. Create affirmatively with your words. Create your reality. Say what needs to be said to be coherent with your desires and vision. 

I did one of the Creative Impulses that arose for me (here? not sure..) which was to use the big wall calendar to write down the individual gigs I had each day, and how much I was paid for them. And then to add up for each week how much I generated a) via Tr b) via Med and c) total. It was pretty galling…. Some weeks I’ve generated as much £ in 1 x 4h session as I do in 4 x 2h bespoke sessions. So why I am I still doing the 2h bespoke sessions, at half the value per hour, and requiring 4 mobilisations (commissioning, prep, onboarding, delivery) instead of the 1 x 4h session?

Vision. When the future vision is strong enough, it compels the changes to be articulated. So keep focussing on your One Jam and then…. Say so eagerly.

May I play with this today!

I am saying so, eagerly

 

 

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Create 29: I am a strong, powerful woman

Yesterday was powerful. We were able to recognise and acknowledge ASV from afar as she stepped into being 21 during pandemic lockdown. In fact, she was love-bombed passim! Her wonderful friends and housemates showered her with fun, thoughtfulness and kindness – including the most amazing video compilation of friends and family wishing her a happy birthday – and a birthday dinner. We had a family zoom and were able to convey our love and wishes.  She was absolutely beaming.

And of course I had a good cry or three across the day… and also, riffing on that notion of #feelfree, I was able to catch a glimpse of the astonishing fact that I have raised two humans to adulthood, and that there are gifts that come to us at that point. Gifts of… the release from responsibility? Gifts of being able to marvel at these humans – and get to know the adults they have become. Gifts of … the freedom to be a little bit more our original selves again? Children can be verrrrry conservative, and appreciate it if we conform to social norms and remain as ‘steady state’ as possible… and that impacts on how we behave, of course. Even if I were just to look towards the possibility of exploring the world. That’s an awesome prospect! Lord knows I’ve grieved deeply the growing up of my children… It’s a decision to make: does having grown up children make me or break me? Let’s go for the former.

And here you are. Merely 46 years old. A strong, powerful woman. 

What is this phrase? (SPW) I’ve been hearing it.

Does the moniker tickle you? 

Yes.

Strong = resilient, self-knowing, self-aware, robust

Powerful = with the means to engender energy, motion, change

Woman = possessing the divine feminine attributes

And now I’m feeling shy.

Stop. This is not about you. This is about humans’ presence on Earth. You are all strong, powerful humans. There is nothing ‘special’ or hierarchical about this. In fact, it’s high time that the old identities of ‘Little Me’ were dropped, far and wide. Why? They are borne out of trauma (fawning). And the unwholesome flipside, ‘Big Me’, was borne out of the appetite for consuming the resources of the ‘Little Me’ other. The serpent of humanity eating its own tail.

Now is the time for equanimity, and for sovereignty. That means that all beings hold enough inner self-esteem that they are able to be balanced in the face of the Other, and meet the Other as an equal, acknowledging the sovereignty of the other from the consciousness of the sovereignty of the self. 

Namaste.

Namaste. And yet, within the world. 

Tell me more. Help me translate that into my day.

Into your day. So, you acknowledge you are the sovereign consciousness in your day. You survey the day ahead and your lead your cavalry in to the minutes ahead, to perform the mission you know your nation holds. 

My mission.

Reach peace, teach peace. 

Still? Ok.  Cool…

And you conjure the forces of goodness in your environment – from the food in your cupboards, to the wifi in your airwaves, to your intentions, to your counterparts – to give energy to that mission. You are systematic about it. Not half-hearted. You hold 100% faith in the mission ahead of you. You are the SPW of your own journey. 

I hear you.

It’s like blowing up a balloon. The first puffs are the hardest; and then it’s about holding pressure, and adding to it steadily. 

Yes. I can see that. Am I ready to undertake the first few puffs of this new project?

You first became pregnant at 21. Your younger child became 21 today. What do you want to do with the next 21 years? 

Ha! Epic question. That would take me to 67 – roughly ‘retirement age’. Footloose, fancy-free compared to my hands-on mothering days… and wonderfully supported by this incredible, generous, balanced, fun, kind, intelligent, steadfast man.

The next 21 years…

The Book of Positive Aspects of your next 21 years: 

  • I am fit and healthy and well physically
  • I have overcome so much in terms of MH and healing
  • I have overcome some difficult addictive/avoidant behaviours
  • I am working and have a business and a profession
  • I am able to work remotely
  • I am able to help develop the field I work in
  • I have a network of colleagues and friends
  • I am supported by good people
  • Say I had a major adventure per annum I could…
  • Travel to Latin America
  • Travel to India and SE Asia
  • Travel to North America
  • Travel to Africa
  • Travel to Europe and Russia
  • Create a youtube channel of my travels and dialogues
  • Write several books
  • Develop my practice to have international clients
  • Develop my practice to contribute to international projects
  • Become super-fit – swimming, cycling, hiking
  • Develop social media platforms to support my work
  • ReachPeace;TeachPeace all day long…
  • Buy a house that meets all our needs
  • Have holidays
  • Be DINKYs
  • Visit others..
  • Have friendships
  • Explore nature
  • Learn from others
  • Say no to things unwanted
  • Plan our lives (today we booked out 5 holiday weeks for 2021 – relief!!!)

This really is the beginning of the new era. It’s so good to notice the juncture, and to enter it consciously. The third quarter of my life, let’s imagine… or the third 21 year cycle at least… promises to be fun, adventuresome, rich in exploring. I will have a passport. I will use it. I will enjoy running my own business.

Speak to me…

It’s time for your New Story. About yourself. If your childhood was defined by parents and school… And your young adulthood was defined by your children and marriage… This era is defined by you. Just you. How does that sound? 

Pretty amazing.

And so how wonderful to define it as You, a strong, powerful woman.

I’m with you. No more stories of… the opposite. Been there. Bin There. Dun that.

Welcome to the third era of your Life, you SPW.

Ty………… <3

I am a strong, powerful woman. May I gently, firmly, lovingly discover what that means over the minutes, days, months, years to come. And may we all discover our strength, our power, and the unique attributes of our own archetypes and personhood. And may we encourage each other on this journey. I know how the strength and power I witness in others, when it comes from LOVE, inspires me. May I be a SPW shoulder to shoulder with the strong powerful women who are my daughters, and my friends and colleagues… and shoulder to shoulder with the SPMen and SPNBs who I am blessed to share this planet with. And may we all lend [ha! “Draft saved at 12.22.22”] our strength and power to those still discovering the incredible, unfolding strength and power they have within them. Amen, and blessings to this beautiful humanity.

I am a strong, powerful woman

 

 

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Create 28: I am feeling free #FeelFree

  • In practice I’m AT.com
  • On social media I’m SoD. For now. 

Can we just start there?

Ok.

Fear. Anger. Grief. So important to spot and feel in the body! But also, what you focus on grows… Right? So what’s the OPPOSITE of FearAngerGrief? 

I’m thinking for me it’s RELIEF, EASE, JOY… Is that right?

  • Fear = Physical => Relief, safety, security, relaxation
  • Anger = Mental => Ease, peace, competency, balance, boundaried
  • Grief = Emotional => Joyful / Hopeful / Enthused / Optimistic / Keen

My book arrived, The Joy of Being Selfish – why you need boundaries and how to set them, by Michelle Elman. It’s really good stuff. So valuable for us all. For my clients too.

Life without boundaries is full of FearAngerGrief…

Life with boundaries… allows us to have healthier relationships, and to thrive.

____

My littlest is 21 today.

Congratulations! <3

Ty. <3 The day she reaches her maturity is a palindrome: 12022021. Pretty cosmic. <3

___

Alchemy of the Heart pp97-101

Today’s reading correlates with exactly what I’m studying in Qigong at the moment, relating to The Three Treasures, which looks at the question: What do I want? 

eg. You think [mental/physical body] you want a new house, but actually really you want a feeling [emotional body] – and that feeling could possibly be achieved without going to the lengths of a new house.

MB’s section in AOTH is titled: Why I want it. It gives the example of a woman seeing and wanting a dress. She reasons [mental body] that the quality/designer is good; her physical body is taken by the look and feel of the fabric. But underlying all this is an emotional causal point: she wants to feel good. If she ‘rationally’ buys the dress and wears it, and doesn’t feel good in it, she’ll never wear it again, no matter how well-designed, high-quality or costly it was.

Now, I don’t tend to buy a huge amount of stuff (except books)…

But I do still effort quite a lot. In work, and relationships… Possibly to the degree of hand-splashing (in Reality Transurfing terms). Why? What feeling do I want?

Let’s go in…

There’s a word in that emotion wheel that stands out suddenly: ‘free’

Is that it? Do I want to feel ‘free’?

Yes! That’s it! Think of the positive aspects of feeling free! Ah, the expansiveness, the bliss, the privacy, the intimacy, the strong/safe boundaries, the right to roam, the self-captaining, the independence, the self-sufficiency, the privacy, the autonomy, the right to choose, the power to determine, the courtesy to self, the honouring of personal sovereignty… ‘I am feeling free’ is the ultimate opening up for you. (It’s why the challenge of your mid-adult life was such a challenge.)

So is that why I want to do SoD? Bcs I now realise that… it could be burdensome and trapping, if I’m not really careful.

Bravo! This is the power of starting with our emotional guidance system, rather than trying to navigate life through the mental body, which is hopelessly ill-equipped to make valid, sustainable decisions. 

If you realise that the SoD can be a route to feeling more free, that will help you determine how you want to shape it. With each business decision you arrive at, you can say, ‘Does this give me a feeling of more – or less – free?’

What a great determining factor… I’d typically be judging on whether it would make more/less money; or take more/less courage..! Or more probably, whether it would make people like/dislike me more….

Feeling Free is a great – really, really GREAT – touchstone for you. 

Did I feel trapped?

You felt… quashed. 

I did……..!! Shucks, look at the definitions of Quash:

Quash means to put down, stop, extinguish, and it’s usually used to talk about ideas, feelings, or political movements. You wouldn’t quash a grape underfoot; you would squash it. But if you were a military dictator, you would quash a revolution. Quash is an extreme word.
-to put down or suppress completely; quell; subdue:to quash a rebellion.
-to make void, annul, or set aside (a law, indictment, decision, etc.).
So..?
Indigos came with challenging ideas that disrupted the status quo. That’s why people turned on them, to ‘quash’ their challenges to the current paradigm. (Remember, humans cling to the familiar even if it’s unbearable – MB) Often the quashers were acting out of love to protect the ‘rebel’ indigos from the backlash their actions would provoke. None of the quashers had the wider picture. None of the quashers knew the old paradigm was finished. None of the quashers knew how good the new paradigm would be. LV helped clarify all this for you and brought you through the transition, powerfully. She is a ‘clear’ indigo and taught you about personal power and integrity. ASV, crystal, revealed the flavour and vibration and resonance of the new paradigm. 
Yes. I remember now.
And now you are Free. Free to be you. The door to the mental cell is open. Walk on, dear soul. Revel in your freedom. 
Oh this is so beautiful. Thank you. Yes, it’s true. I am free, to be and do and experience and say and imagine and play with all that makes me tick. I am free! The ‘lockdown’ is a  figure of speech: physically we are somewhat constrained… Mentally there is a lot coming at us. But we eternally have the right to choose our emotional experience. I choose to revel in my freedom.
I am feeling free
_______
Poignant realisation. People said I’d feel trapped by having my beautiful children so young. I felt the opposite: blessed, held, purposed, connected… And when they grew up, I felt grief, loss, disconnect. With all that said, I notice with immense tenderness, the apparent coincidence of settling upon the impulse to ‘feel free’ on the day my youngest reaches her maturity. I woke at 5.30am today, feeling terribly anxious about whether I’d got her the presents she wanted, or had spent/offered enough or too little to meet her hopes and expectations. None of this kind of psychic interweave is good for her, or me. Part of her growing older is her right to be free herself. It is about letting her go… not as a grief-striking act, but so that she and I can both feel more free as expansive, human souls…. Can I celebrate her freedom? Can I hold her in that light today? Can I celebrate how – with these healthy boundaries of love but not co-dependence – we are all truly ok, safe, free? ASV, LV and I – we are all now free to be all that we need and want to be in this world. It doesn’t diminish our love and value to each other. It enhances it, it makes it come to fruition… It is where we were heading all that time.
amen <3
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Create 27: I am trusting my feelings #EmoBody #GetBetterAtFeeling

Woke up this morning from awful nightmares: monsters, robots, US Civil War soldiers, men in suits… flooding into the garden, and eventually invading the house. I’d just used up my phone battery videoing the invaders through the sitting room window. Help! Suddenly, I and others were being kidnapped, but I decided I didn’t want to go on this next journey with a full bladder so I dashed to the loo (the sensible woman’s prerogative), and then had a long tussle with a kidnapper as I tried to lock myself in to the loo and he pushed at the door…. realising that even if I did succeed in shutting the door, I was now cornered and separated from my loved ones. But at least… I wouldn’t need the loo. :/

So, lying in bed at 5.30am, anxiety now burbling through my body, I decided to turn to my Emotional Body and ask what it was feeling? The key feelings of Fear? Anger? Grief?

And my Emo Body said to me: All of those. Especial tenderness of Fear and Grief following my call with my Dad yesterday. Dad explained to me he seems to have an as yet undiagnosed condition. We thought we knew what it is, but he’s now being referred for further tests. I won’t go into detail here, but I felt… for the first time… that I should brace myself for the next phase. Then on the phone call, instead of hanging up, moving to Zoom and doing our video recording of his lecture, he kinda filibustered me for an entire hour, talking about what he’d like to talk about, before declaring himself rung out, and calling off! So, the filibustering normally dismays and infuriates me, but this time (#StrongBoundaries) I just quietly got on with tidying my office and doing a few emails while he spoke for a bit – “Hm…ah… uhuh…” being all he actually needs/wants from me. Then, gently reminding myself that these regular filibustering conversations won’t last forever, and are actually the golden thread of my lifetime relationship with my Dad, I clambered into the bed in my office and lay there with my eyes closed, just letting his voice ebb and flow through my heart; being present to the presence of this man who has accompanied me through my life, giving of himself to me, the very best he could, every single day of my life. It was a very precious time.

{And after, I leapt up and nailed the heck out of the Report which had had me awake at 5-ish with a near panic attack that morning.}

Back to lying in bed this morning. So having thought about the impact of yesterday’s call with Dad, I then said, “Ok Emotional Body, I hear you – tender stuff. And what about your feeling of this present moment?”

And my Emo Body said to me: Fuck waiting. Fuck that shit!

Excuse me… Is this about waiting to ‘come out’ with our creative work. Like Dad…?

And my Emo Body said to me: Are you kidding? Your father created an international radio empire, and sold his video business for £1m+! He was a broadcaster on national TV and radio! 

Shucks, man. You’re right… This narrative about him I’ve developed…?!

And my Emo Body said to me: Finish AT.com, and set up SoD… to sell. Btw, SoD => #AdvancedInterpersonalCommunication

And with that, I was almost propelled out of bed. I made coffee. Here I am.

Excellent. Let’s pause and go in. 

**** Reading Alchemy of the Heart, Michael Brown****

Holy moley, MB spitting truths on an epic level today…!!! And so in line with our current project on creativity! Just amazing! Ty, MB!

‘As a species, we have trodden our way wearily through the world of manufacturing and have now arrived at the doorway to the consciousness of creativity. Whereas manufacture is the art of manipulating and adjusting the exterior, creativity is the art of mastering the interior.

At this new frontier, manufacture is ineffectual. Within the unfolding paradigm of authentic creativity, a collective impact on our experience can only be accomplished through the integrity of precisely focused individual activity – through the diamond integrity of personal responsibility.

Our current confusion arises out of standing with one foot in each of these worlds. We are still trying to do mentally and physically what only the heart can accomplish. We are still trying to do collectively what can only be accomplished individually. 

We are still trying to feel better, when we are now being asked to get better at feeling.’ (Alchemy of the Heart, Michael Brown p93)

BOOM! YES! This is why…:

  • I can’t work in/for the corporate world – despite years of trying!
  • I needed to develop sovereignty and to work, first in partnership with others to gain confidence, and now solo
  • I am seeing that it’s not just about manufacturing what others’ ask, but about bringing my own creativity to bear (SoD and H2D)
  • I see an epidemic of poor mental health in the corporations I run sessions for
  • I see small businesses / solopreneurs popping up everywhere, especially amongst the young Gen Z crew (on IG) as they take personal responsibility for their own destiny…
  • Meanwhile the Millennials, the last bastion of the corporate-dependent rat race,  pump out memes and reels about ‘Millennial corporate anxiety’… poor angels! They are are still trying to feel better

And so importantly, this independent solopreneur path demands we do something amazing: we are now being asked to get better at feeling

And yes! Isn’t it the case that when I listen to my emotional body, and to my inner wisdom and my creative impulses, I have the perfect, complete and flawless roadmap for my life?!

So today…? 

Keep checking in on the Emotional Body. Keep learning from its emotions, keep integrating what is there. (Breathe). You can also tap in by saying, “Is it fear? anger? grief?” and take it from there. You have a genie in a bottle right there in your feeling system. Use it (or lose its value). You have the opportunity to heal – no, tidy up – your emotional signature. That alone will reset your compass. What fun! 

Bless you. thank you. May I have direct contact with my Emo Body all day. May I get better at feeling… and trust my feelings to guide and orientate me, all day long. May I recognise the power of precisely focused individual activity – through the diamond integrity of personal responsibility. And may I learn how my feeling body can help me accomplish this activity. May I trust my feelings all day long. 

I am trusting my feelings

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Create 25: I am having an EASEy week {#EASEyDoesIt}

Man, I was productive yesterday, and loved the notion of Pre-Booting my week. I did all my invoicing and I got my email inbox down from 57 to 2. I kept in mind the idea of the EASEy Week ahead. I printed out the week’s calendar to go on my chest of drawers, so I can easily check in regularly and nothing should feel like a surprise. I have no miracles to pull off this week – there is time for everything that needs to be achieved.

Wonderful! Would you like to play the Book of Positive Aspects?

Yes. I would. Let’s write…

The Book of Positive Aspects…. of my Business: 

  • I am in charge of my own life, income, timetable
  • I have a wonderful professional service mix
  • I have a broad range of clients
  • I am attracting new clients
  • I have a few high price point products which do me v well
  • I can work from home, no problem
  • I have instant tech expertise next door, with G
  • G is the most wonderful ‘co-worker next door’ – so focussed and disciplined and conscientious and successful; never stressy, pompous, onerous
  • There is masses of room for me to grow in my med practice – and plenty of work ahead
  • I’m not trying to juggle, or psychically read, a boss. Lordy be, what a blessing is that.
  • My work is so EASEy because I am in charge of it! I only take on what I can do. I can rest in between. I could take days and days off…. I notice I don’t because I enjoy it! I enjoy the satisfaction of working with commissioning clients (like HR and SB and FS) and with mediation parties, and with training delegates. I have fluidity and flexibility in my days. And I’m really, genuinely providing help, assistance, support and wellbeing for people. Every day! It’s just a wonder. There’s that marvellous quote of Maya Angelou’s:

  • I have the opportunity to make people feel valued, heard, appreciated, cared for and loved every single day… Isn’t that the best?!

Ah, what a lovely rampage of appreciation. Ty.

And today’s Creative Impulse?

Today’s Creative Impulse: Turn the Joy button on your desk into an EASEy button. Make the theme of this week EASE. Note down every time you can feel, express, slide into EASE. This is the first EASEy Week of 2021, and you are going to love it! EASEy times are afoot! EASE your way through the days, just basking in the fun, and variety ahead. Enjoy not just making yourself aware of EASE, but offering EASE to your clients and colleagues too. EASEy does it! 

Bliss. I absolutely love it. Thank you.

I am having an EASEy week {#EASEyDoesIt}

 

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Create 24: I am pre-booting for an EASEy week ahead

My Book of Positive Aspects, focussed on… The Past Week (Mon-Fri):

  • It was incredibly rich and varied…
  • I did a mindfulness session for staff in a homelessness charity
  • I did a wellbeing session for Citizen Advice staff
  • I did MH awareness for frontline staff in a housing association
  • I pitched for 2 mediation cases
  • I had first peer supervision with MMF
  • I mediated a race-related case, supporting 4 Somali families (pro bono)
  • I got a couple of lovely walks in – yesterday in the sun chatting to ASV
  • I had a gorgeous chat with LVT, and financial advice from Mike
  • As sibs/nibs, we marked the 12th anniversary of Mum’s stroke <3
  • Charlotte and I got potential sales on our social care training
  • I earned money – maybe £400 – but made a possible £10k in sales
  • I was safe, warm, loved, deliciously fed… and beautifully loved up with G
  • G and I have had a lot of laughter <3
  • Nicholas, Joanna and Barb are safe and well, and have all had 1st vaccine

My Book of Positive Aspects, focussed on… Today (Sat):

  • It’s Saturday and we have nothing in the diary… it’s still lockdown!
  • It might snow tomorrow 🙂
  • It’s sunny now
  • G just woke up
  • I can Reboot today, and Create tomorrow
  • Reboot means getting things back to zero – clean, tidy, ready, neutral, ready for next week
  • I love Saturdays – the peace and quiet, the space from others’ busy-ness
  • I can tidy up and have things fresh and ready.
  • I can make next week easy by … omg… I’ve just invented the best new word: PRE-BOOTING. I’ll pre-boot the week ahead! <3
  • That Lights Me Up <3

My Book of Positive Aspects, focussed on… This House (CTC):

  • It’s cosy and warm and just big enough for us
  • It’s in the countryside and the air is pure, tho so close to the city, and our girls
  • We have many happy memories here
  • There are animals all around us! (Wolves, alpacas, deer, horses…!)
  • G and I work together with ease in it <3
  • We are able to work from here!!

Ok. Fun. What next?

Your work on the BOPA is productive! 

Like a good cough.

High spirits today! 

Yes! I’m ready to roll.

Roll forward, dear soul. We love the word, Pre-Boot. And we love it Lights You Up. You really are pre-booting your whole future when you get Lit UP. 

True, right? That’s a positive aspect of the positive aspects.

Is there anything else we need to work on together today?

I’ll go in…

***

It was something about tracking income. I went in to my Bookings sheet and brought it up to date. My projected income for this last quarter of the financial year is ‘22222’. Counting my blessings…

All the Positive Aspects of your hard work, and vision. 

What about the SoD. It got stuck…

No it didn’t. It’s just waiting for you, for when you are ready. You can ask anyone to pursue it for/with you. 

I am working out my identity, aren’t I? Am I the discrete, trustable mediator who dons her Crown of Dignity with the legals? Or the client focussed teacher of good dialogue? Or both. I’ll relax. 22222. That is simply WONDERFUL.

My quarterly income for 20/21 has been: 7k – 8k – 12k – 22k.

All that pre-booting worked, huh? 

I think it did.

Creative Impulse?

Creative Impulse: Pre-Boot Next Week…

  • clothes prepped for each day
  • zero inbox
  • finances up to date
  • home clean…

I’ll make a start!

 

NEXT DAY – SUNDAY

I made a really good start on Pre-Booting the week yesterday (Sat)…. essentially nailing anything housey that didn’t involve contact /comms with other humans (except for some epic ST with G.) . So this morning, having woken at 5am from drinking too much last night, and then having napped again til 11am…. I’ve been looking at MB’s Alchemy of the Heart. He talks about how we start sedating ourselves by the time we enter adulthood, to deal with the emotional imbalance of suppressed fear, anger and grief we imprinted in children.

Usefully, he points out the essential differences between the three states (AOTH p40):

  • Fear = physical body, threat
  • Anger = mental body, ‘we plot revenge’
  • Grief = emotional body

So as I look at my remaining items for pre-booting – which are human orientated (emails and invoices) – and note that my intention was not to spend Sunday pre-booting (or mopping up) but creating…. I will do what I’ll call a quick FearAngerGrief audit… It’s like a flip over of Positive Aspects, to check what’s maybe driving me without my knowledge.

Fear – What am I afraid of today?

Your body is retreating from ‘getting it wrong’. 

Like a child. Like me as a child. Recoiling. It’s also the Aspie, PDA aspect of me, I guess. How can I integrate this fear?

Displays. Displaying your work. Meticulously explaining your steps. You think people will spot you leaping from A to D, and that you’ll fug up B and C en route, and expose yourself as a fraud or a rooky. So show your workings explicitly. Explain your A, B, C, D steps dispassionately so that YOU know you are being transparent and authentic. If you get it wrong, the error step can be spotted and amended – like a piece of code. 

I actually really like and appreciate that. Thank you.

Anger: What am I angry about today? 

You are angry at the people you said yes to, when you actually meant no. 

Oof. Bummer. Hm. So… maybe I need to go back and say some noes…?

Going back to people and saying your No, or at least telling them what they can do to ‘make life more wonderful for you’ would be valuable. It would give you renewed boundaries, energy, margins, bandwidth. 

Yes. Ty.

Grief: What am I grieving today?

You are sad for the loss of people in your life. Comms became so complicated, in your mind. But actually, it just needs some structure. And outreach. Then you can feel close to others. 

Am I being closed off at the moment? 

Not closed off, but you are ‘guarded’. 

Guarded is a good word. It’s cramping my ‘creative impulsivity’ I feel. Can we work with that word guarded? I mean, often I’m too unguarded (hence fawning and saying yes).

Guarded here simply means being fractionally on the ‘defensive’ side. You are seeking to move to the ‘offensive’ as it were, or at least, the proactive, creative, innovative… You can tip that balance any day – as soon as you care more about your inner being than you care about the reactions of others. EVERYone out there is hopped up with emotional imbalance (and therefore, being ‘reactive’), and yet you hang back waiting for people to respond to you with emotional balance. It’s kind of ironic as your work is GOOD for promoting emotional balance. Therefore it’s not FOR the emotionally balanced. It’s FOR the emotionally imbalanced. Which is fortunate – you’re looking at the bigger market! This is not to be judgemental. Life on earth is ALL about the journey towards emotional balance. That’s the Work! That’s the fun! That’s the juice in the orange! Just stop taking it personally that the people around you are out of whack. 

When you and they and everyone can see that ‘being emotionally triggered’ is merely an invitation to integrate old stuff, and therefore is to be welcomed, the creative gloves will fly off. 

So, don’t worry about triggering others..?

In adulthood, the role of a good ally is to trigger progress... Emotional progress (integration) is uncomfortable (unless you breathe through it as if in labour). Don’t apologise for causing discomfort in an other adult if you are coming from the place of pure positive energy. Ok? It’s not your job to conform yourself to save the next person from having to awaken out of their personal sedation. 

Ooh.. Strong stuff!

I am happy to read this.

So in summary:

  • Show your workings
  • Go back and say no
  • Anticipate/normalise others’ being imbalanced/triggered

[Just read below: Draft saved at 12:22:22 – so ok what is 22222? Googles. This pops up first:

22222 Keep the faith: 

22222 also encourages you to have faith in spite of the challenges that you may be going through. Challenges are never permanent. Have faith that sooner or later, you will overcome the obstacles you’re facing today.

22222 spiritually symbolizes a duality. This means that you’re likely to feel like there are two sides to your personality. Accordingly, your guardian angels encourage you to find a way of reconciling with your inner self. Ideally, this is the best way in which you will achieve the harmony you’re looking for.

Ok. Keep the faith and reconcile with inner self.

Know what you want. 

I hear you. Ty.

I am pre-booting the week ahead

Ha! Word count was 1444.

PS. I do know what I want! A smooth, enriching, energetically viable, empowering, enjoyable, balanced, healthy, EASEy week ahead.

That’s right. Pre-boot for an EASEy week. 

I am pre-booting for an EASEy week ahead

 

 

 

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Create 22: I am honouring myself with the crown of dignity

So, really interesting experiment on finding one’s tribe.

On my walk a couple of days ago, after the last Dialogue, I listened to a podcast of a conversation between two spiritual teachers I’ve followed for years, about the work they do. I was expecting to think, “Here’s my tribe.” To my astonishment, the conversation was so self-aggrandising, so ‘bitchy’ about other teachers, so vaunting (“Yes, humility is so important to me, I don’t want to be like those others..”) that I had to turn it off before it brought me down!

Compare to this. Monday morning. I think I’ve got an admin morning ahead, when I get an email from a solicitor on a new court-approved case I’ve been approached to mediate, asking to meet with her and her clients in 30 mins on Teams, effectively for an interview. Suddenly, my head is in high focus mode…. to meet the level of the solicitor. I go and get changed from ‘cosy, comfy’ clothes to grown-ups’ clothes, and straighten my hair. I revise my knowledge of the relevant law. I remind myself of the court-ordered mediations I’ve already undertaken. I settle into myself and get ready to go. I’ll do this interview at my standing desk, to be ‘on my feet’. I’m nervous but optimistic… “I can do this. Imagine if I were doing this kind of case all the time..! What an honour that would be.”

Aha, I think. This is ‘taking my place in my tribe.’

Maybe my tribe is made up of these serious, heart-focussed professional helpers, whom I see using their gifts, talents and intent to unpick the most devastating knots affecting people’s dignity and human rights. I know what it’s like to feel completely alone and unrepresented in such a situation. It’s unfathomably lonely and distressing…

Anyway. It woke me a little to a reminder. My Human Glee List – growing over these last few days – seems to be made up of serious, warm, intelligent, heart-focussed souls. Maybe it’s time to recognise my sovereignty in these matters. Maybe it’s time to step up…

Time to go in.

***18minMed-counting outbreaths – with insight timer***

Deep! You said…

Honour yourself with the crown of dignity. This is your next gift to yourself. Having admitted that fearful ‘fawning’ is no longer useful to you, and that knowing who you resonate with is useful… you are ready to treat all as dignified in their own right, and thereby claim your own personal dignity. Right here and right  now, not only as your birthright, but as your crown earned by life experience too. 

Like a FitBit badge…

If you like. 🙂 

Tell me more.

Your personality bubbles with glee. And has tended to flip over to fear. You are steadying now. Steadying. Steadying. Is that understandable? 

Yes! It is. It’s aligning with my age and stage in life. I am glad of that.

I think of The Crown. We’re on Series 2, the late 1950s. ERII is so young and get so dignified. She embodies Sovereignty, without personal fanfare, but with full manifestation of the role…

What is your message for today?

Today’s Creative Impulse: Honour yourself with the crown of dignity today. 

May I wear it all day.

I am honouring myself with the crown of dignity