The Pivot Project Archives - Page 13 of 15

2020-02-192020-02-20

Private 23: What we call “I” is just a swinging door

BREATHING: ‘What we call “I” is just a swinging door which moves when we inhale and when we exhale. It just moves; that is all. When your mind is pure and calm enough to follow this movement, there is nothing: no “I, ” no world, no mind nor body; just a swinging door.’ Zen Mind p29

‘So when you practice zazen, your mind should be concentrated on your breathing.’ Zen Mind p31

***Zazen***

My zazen (meditation) was brief – maybe 8 minutes. I watched my breath moving like a swinging door, and of course, without the foreground noise of busy-thought, some difficult feelings arose from the shadowy background.

What sort of feelings, dear soul?

Um… ‘furious‘. :-/

Want to work with that?

Yes.

***

Ok. So here’s what happened. I turned to the brilliant book, The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren:

And I looked up ‘Fury’:

“When the powerful intensities of your rage and fury can be channeled into fierce boundary definition and the focused annihilation of overwhelming and destructive contracts, they will heal and strengthen you in amazing ways. … Furies and rage arise when the intensity in anger isn’t quite enough to deal with the situation.” McLaren p183

“Rage and fury are your guardians and your sentries. Learn to attend to them in honourable ways, and they’ll protect you, heal your traumas and save your life.” McLaren p188

Excellent. McLaren’s advice to me on honouring anger to form boundaries has been amazingly good for me in the past. However, McLaren is also clear about getting professional help when things persist:

‘Please contact a doctor or therapist if your rage and fury persist unchanged after you’ve channeled them a few times. Repetitive cycles of rage and fury can exhaust every part of you – so take good care of yourself and reach out for help if you’re having trouble. You may need to fortify your body and brain chemistry before you can work with your intense angers in this way. If you’re a trauma survivor, please read on, but also, please reach out for proper medical and psychological support.’ McLaren p185

Yesterday was not a good day. I was close to a psychotic episode. I am drained and my adrenal fatigue is just relentless. My work is currently an ‘overwhelming and destructive contract’ because I don’t have safe boundaries around it. And a few days ago, I had a medical intervention which triggered all sorts of old and clearly unresolved trauma.

So, just now, I bit the bullet and wrote to a psychotherapist I’d been researching a few weeks ago, asking for an initial appointment. This is what I wrote:

Dear [Psychotherapist],

I would be interested in booking an initial appointment with you please, with a view to undertaking a short-medium term period of psychotherapy and EMDR.

I have done some really good ‘work’ over my life, and have had a very good period of balance over the last couple of years, but I seem to have old things arising for working through more thoroughly, combined with increasingly stress-full work (in the field of xxx).

I had treatment for PTSD xxx years ago following a sizeable mental health breakdown, and have received support for depression and anxiety since I was a teenager (I’m xx yo now.) 8 years ago, I was diagnosed as autistic, which was incredibly helpful in understanding my neural wiring. Generally, I manage my mental health really well at the moment – but I can recognise all is not quite right at the moment.

I really appreciate the particular approach of your practice. Many aspects you mention have been and remain helpful to me: Mindfulness/MBCT, Paul Gilbert, Focusing, spiritual awareness. I’m keen to try EMDR too as there are bits of past trauma I would like to reach and dislodge.

Also, I would be keen to work with you to consolidate my daily mindfulness practice as I know it’s probably my best source of wellbeing.

With all best wishes…

Amen. Is that ok?

This is really excellent. Like, excellent. Zen work is deep work. What’s so powerful about it is that, in doing nothing, you soon become aware of the cranky programmes running in your mind on auto-pilot, and you are then moved to ‘de-programme’ them, so you can successfully get on with Doing Nothing.

Capital D, capital N… Yes. That makes sense.

And you’re only on Day 2 of studying Suzuki’s writing.

Thank you, Suzuki-roshi.

Your work for today is done. Play with the idea of the swinging door today. Let your mind just watch the door swing as you breathe.

Thank you.

What we call “I ” is just a swinging door

2020-02-172020-02-18

Private 22: You are the “boss”

Zazen posture from Zenlightenment.net

POSTURE: ‘When we have our body and mind in order, everything else will exist in the right place, in the right way. But usually, without being aware of it, we try to change something other than ourselves, we try to order things outside us. But it is impossible to organize things if you yourself are not in order. When you do things in the right way, at the right time, everything else will be organized. You are the “boss.” When the boss is sleeping, everyone is sleeping. When the boss does something right, everyone will do everything right, and at the right time. That is the secret of Buddhism.’ Zen Mind p27/8

I read the chapter (Posture), picked my favourite quote (above) and then meditated, for how long I don’t know as it didn’t feel necessary to use a clock. I guess 15 mins?

In the back of my mind, I set the intention to be imbued by the words ‘You are the “boss.”‘ And in so doing, I was able to note in myself some renewed uprightness, togetherness, poise. Just glimpses, but enough to remind myself of the feeling – and my heavens, isn’t that feeling of internal orderliness and organisation just the direct opposite of feeling hounded by the outside world’s demands?!

Our body and mind should not be wobbling or wandering about. p28

So, what is the term you would use for the opposite of the ‘wobbling or wandering’ body-mind?

‘Centred’ and ‘Grounded’ comes to mind.

And the body is representative of the mind?

It feels like if we embody the mental state we seek, we are half way there. The embodiment signals clearly to the mind and the mind responds.

And today you would embody..?

“The boss” I guess! I’ve got a huge amount to do today…

Like the boss…

And feeling ‘Centred’ and ‘Grounded’ – no embodying ‘Centred’ and ‘Grounded’ – seems a good route to giving the nod to the body-mind to ‘self-organise’.

Like the boss… ‘When the boss does something right, everyone will do everything right, and at the right time.’

I’m reminded how, when you are the mother of small children, you are the boss… in their eyes. Now it’s time to be one’s own boss, in one’s own eyes.

You are the “boss”

********

Later in the day:

Ngl. Today (just like ‘light touch approach’) yesterday, have been extremely difficult. Today, I felt as bad as I’ve felt in a good year. 🙁 Quite unwell, tbh.

Is it because I’m inviting these lofty concepts into my headspace? Is it the dissonance between the imperative instruction and my actual sense of self?

Anyway, self-soothing eventually reared its kindly head as a way forward to destabilising myself. And so I’m here.

Like the boss you are.

Haha

We didn’t suggest you waltz around like a boss character from Dynasty. We suggested you become ‘centred’ and ‘grounded’. Looks like that is exactly what you are doing. Excellent work.

This is me (on the long way round way to) becoming centred and grounded:

🙂

Sifting and sorting. Seeking contrast. But also learning to guide the Drive emotional system, so that it reins itself back in a bit.

TMI… for today.

Centred and Grounded = Excellent self-soothing. You’re doing beautifully. Keep ordering things internally:

‘usually, without being aware of it, we try to change something other than ourselves, we try to order things outside us.’

All is well.

2020-02-162020-02-18

Private 21: Keep a light touch approach

Welcome to the first day of studying Zen. <3

Last session was helpful I am working on transitioning from taking the ‘hard’ way to taking the ‘easy’ way. I am lightly touching on cultivating ease. Here’s the picture I did again..

Before we begin our book, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, is there anything you think I should bear in mind. (Wait… there’s a mouse in the live trap! Let me go and take it to the woods. Right back.)

***

How was the mouse?

A bit startled; happy to be let out. Now, off on an adventure. (Also: Separated from its family, and now glaringly visible to predators. :-/ )

Ah. And which of your thoughts about the mouse do you feel more strongly?

The thought of worry, remorse, concern.

Because..?

Negativity bias.

Right, a natural but unruly aspect of the human brain’s survival system. Zen is about cultivating equanimity of thought, so that we feel equally balanced whatever type of thought might be gusting through us. In this way, we are better able to be present to life. We are less pushed to the left or right of our course by passing thoughts. We are equally settled, grounded, content, whatever the circumstances and conditions.

Beautiful.

Enjoy your new book.

I looked up Shunryu Suzuki on Wikipedia:

‘Shunryu Suzuki (鈴木俊隆 Suzuki Shunryū, dharma name Shōgaku Shunryū 祥岳俊隆, often called Suzuki Roshi; May 18, 1904 – December 4, 1971) was a Sōtō Zen monk and teacher who helped popularize Zen Buddhism in the United States, and is renowned for founding the first Buddhist monastery outside Asia (Tassajara Zen Mountain Center). Suzuki founded San Francisco Zen Center which, along with its affiliate temples, comprises one of the most influential Zen organizations in the United States. A book of his teachings, Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, is one of the most popular books on Zen and Buddhism in the West.^[1]^[2]^[3]

And the Soto Zen tradition:

Sōtō Zen or the Sōtō school (曹洞宗, Sōtō-shū) is the largest of the three traditional sects of Zen in Japanese Buddhism (the others being Rinzai and Ōbaku). It is the Japanese line of the Chinese Cáodòng school, which was founded during the Tang dynasty by Dòngshān Liánjiè. It emphasizes Shikantaza, meditation with no objects, anchors, or content. The meditator strives to be aware of the stream of thoughts, allowing them to arise and pass away without interference.

Picture of Shunryu Suzuki — Shunryu Suzuki

Let’s read. <3

From the Introduction (by Richard Baker, the successor of Shunryu Suzuki or ‘Suzuki-roshi), the words of fellow disciple Trudy Dixon who gathered and transcribed the talks for this book before she died aged 30, in describing the qualities of a (her) roshi:

‘buoyancy, vigor, straightforwardness, simplicity, humility, serenity, joyousness, uncanny perspicacity and unfathomable compassion.’ p13

What beautiful qualities for us to work and play with .

Some key terms from the introduction and prologue:

Roshi – ‘old master’; spiritual leader of a Zen community
Zazen – Zen meditation, usually in the lotus postition; ‘Zazen is considered the heart of Japanese Sōtō Zen Buddhist practice. The aim of zazen is just sitting, that is, suspending all judgmental thinking and letting words, ideas, images and thoughts pass by without getting involved in them.’
Shoshin – beginner’s mind; ‘Shoshin (初心) is a word from Zen Buddhism meaning “beginner’s mind.” It refers to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions when studying a subject, even when studying at an advanced level, just as a beginner would.’
Original mind – ‘Our “original mind” includes everything within itself. It is always rich and sufficient within itself. ‘(SSp21) Also: ‘It’s often said that humans’ Original Mind, that Mind we have at birth, is like a clear mirror, pure and uncluttered, without shape, form, or color, with nothing in it whatsoever. If something comes before it, the mirror reflects it exactly, but the mirror itself gives birth to nothing. ‘ (Ref)

Ok! I’m ready next time for Part 1.1: Posture.

What’s my takeaway?

What struck you in your studies this morning?

Really? More than anything – the human fallibility of us all. Studying individuals in the movement formed by SS, and becoming aware of huge ‘falls from grace’ – just as I found a few years ago in falling in love with the Shambhala buddhism movement too. The brilliant are often also wildly imperfect IRL. Particularly poignant today, the day after the tragic suicide of a beautiful, young TV presenter who experienced a much-publicised ‘fall from grace’ incident only a few weeks ago.

It’s a reminder to me that all this practice is about learning to handle our complex humanity just a little bit more skilfully. Nothing more. We’re all in the same boat, laden with shadows, hopes, dreams, talents and deficits. None of us ‘arrive’ and make it. And if people do arrive and make it, the general defining characteristic of such a person, is that they keep that fact on the old DL. Nonetheless, raging imperfection shouldn’t stop individuals teaching or sharing what they know. I think, sometimes, the most flawed people make the most gifted teachers.

So, your intention…?

My intention is to keep a light touch approach to this study and practice; not to identify with it. Not to seek to call myself anything but an interested student.

A light touch. You found your phrase.

Aha. Thank you. I shall keep a light touch…

Keep a light touch approach

2020-02-162020-02-29

Private 20: Enter your own private Autism Zen Zone (for Ease)

I am loving the idea of the Mental Stage. Before I go to sleep, after writing my top 10 ABCD’s (Achievements, Blessings, Confirmations, Dones), I’ve been drawing Mental Stages with scenes I would like to see – picturing myself in the scene with fellow actors of my choice, in scenarios that uplift my heart and soul. It’s in the spirit of a) ‘I dreamed a dream..’ and b) ‘Are you knowing what you’re wanting?’ – and it reminds me that as DirectorMe I’m also PlaywrightMe.

Tell us about that line you saw yesterday.

I’m embarrassed to… Ok. Yesterday, I got followed on Twitter by one of those dudes (bots?) with 67 followers and a picture of him and his kid. His bio said (and this is from memory because I went to check just now and the account’s been suspended..!): ‘My life is too easy for me God made it that way.‘

And why did that line stand out?

Well, obviously, first, I scoffed.. But I guess I was struck by the perspective, the concept, the radical idea that life is (or is meant to be) easy or easeful, by design (divine or not).

And why does that concept stand out?

Because I feel I could break at the moment… The complexity of my work and my days. Waking up in alert mode between 4 and 6.30am… Super-zoning-in to get things done…

STOP!

Woah… That was very Gurdjieffian! Hm… I hear the wake up call, the call to attention. What are you saying?

“DirectorMe I’m also PlaywrightMe.” Take care, sweet soul, with the script you write.

Aha… Yes.

Write a different script. Write a script of Ease.

(When you say that, I note a tiny flicker of angst: What would I feel without the brain stim of 24/7 demand, activity, intellectual wrangling, the pushpushpush…? Boredom??)

…

Aha! Excellent! So what this helpfully tells me is that: I think/believe/assume, in my subconscious or some part of me (shadow?) that “Ease = Boring”. Amiright, right? And so, I constantly create and recreate ‘excitement’… (which actually, and especially at this stage of my life = stress).

So, presumably, I always/mostly take the ‘hard’ route instead of the ‘easy’ (aka, in my subconscious mind: ‘sad, simple, pointless, non-ego-puffing, stupid, basic, non-PLU’?!) route.

√

It’s also because my brain is wired to work with complexity, right?

To an extent. It’s also because you haven’t fully worked on developing your Autism Zen Zone (though the Peak project was indeed so good in that arena). We’ll explain. All that complex wiring: when you’re in flow, you do a 100 things super fast – it’s amazing, productive, and exhausting because it burns through spoons, but also it gives you the reward of dopamine, and the relief of completion. Undertaking ‘the 100 things in flow’ can be like being in a sacred trance of activity.

Like Wednesday (after my frozen day) when I got on the flow wave and sat unmovingly at my desk for 4 straight hours, and only moved because G made lunch and called me down from the office. I had done about a week’s work in those 4 hours, and never made it back to the desk after breaking the trance… How could I just ‘summon’ that powered-up hyper-focus state again?

Hyper-focus, that’s the word. You are brilliant at hyper-focusing on projects. That’s why saying ‘Yes’ to new stuff is a ‘given’ to you: you know you can and you associate the innovation with a certain neural (stim) buzz.

Autism Zen Zone = take that same extraordinary hyper-focus, and turn it within.

But don’t I do that here?

No. This is still an external project. We mean entirely ‘within’.

Like meditation?

If you will.

The calm interiorised mind, of Morphogenesis.

If you like.

Well, mindfulness is the cornerstone of MEDS… But I don’t tend to practice it…

Because you’ve been doing it Neurotypical style.

What do you mean?

In your brief mindfulness practices, do you feel that trance state where you could sit on your chair for 4 hours?

Ha… No. These days, I hold about 5 to 20 minutes.

That’s because you’ve forgotten the lusciousness of the Autism Zen Zone.

Forgotten?

Don’t worry. You needed to develop your Alert system. We get that! But you can REST the alert system now. It’s safe to do so. You can recover the experience of the Autism Zen Zone. It’s like basking in warm sunshine, it’s like bathing in chocolate, it’s like all the drugs you wished you’d been able to lay your hands on as a kid… and better. It’s natural ayahuasca. It’s the peace of all nations. And it’s available to you in spades because of your glorious neural wiring…

…If… if… you can bear the idea of ‘ease’. Because the upshot of becoming a regular resident in the Autism Zen Zone is… hang on to your hats… greater ease in life.

Oh… oh my gentle heart… A question: Is this the next project?? Studying Zen? Like the Peak project took me to the Tao Te Ching?? Oh my sweet life. I would absolutely love that. What an honour too, to be found ready for such practices. I feel teary…

May I, may I find a text?

Of course!

Ayudame…

https://www.zen-azi.org/en/reading-suggestions …

What’s available as a pdf? …

Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, Shunryu Suzuki, 1973, Weatherhill. (pdf)
A collection of teachings from talks given by Zen Master Shunryu Suzuki transmitting the essence of Soto Zen in a modern language, accessible to all.

CONTENTS:

Preface, by Huston Smith 9
Introduction, by Richard Baker 13
Prologue: Beginner’s Mind 21
PART I: RIGHT PRACTIC E
1. Posture 25
2. Breathing 29
3. Control 31
4. Mind Waves 34
5. Mind Weeds 36
6. The Marrow of Zen 38
7. No Dualism 41
8. Bowing 43
9. Nothing Special 46
PART 2: RIGHT ATTITUDE
1. Single-minded Way 53
2. Repetition 55
3. Zen and Excitement 57
4. Right Effort 59
5. No Trace 62
6. God Giving 65
7. Mistakes in Practice 71
8. Limiting You r Activity 75
9. Study Yourself 76
T o Polish a Tile 80
1. Constancy 83
2. Communication 86
3. Negative and Positive 90
4. Nirvana , the Waterfall 92
PART 3: RIGHT UNDERSTANDING
1. Traditional Zen Spirit 99
2. Transiency 102
3. The Quality of Being 104
4. Naturalness 107
5. Emptiness 110
6. Readiness, Mindfulness 113
7. Believing in Nothing 1 16
8. Attachment, Non-attachment iit
9. Calmness 121
10. Experience, Not Philosophy 123
11. Original Buddhism 12S
12. Beyond Consciousness l27
13. Buddha’s Enlightenment 131
Epilogue : Zen Mind 133

Well. I think (non-think) we shall start here then.

Excellent. Thank you.

Just this second, an old Note From Higher Self popped up on my screen as a notification:

I am blessed by God when I sit very still.

Ha. Perfect.

Good work, oh very dear soul with the capacity for immense, deep, ravishing, luscious diving in to special interests.

I just realised. Is this why this project is called ‘Private’? Because the Autism Zen Zone is private? Like the Mental Stage, well-directed with a great play, is a private space?

Maybe… Yes.

Enter your own private Autism Zen Zone (for Ease)

2020-02-15

Private 19: Be the director of your mental stage

The Bare Minimum rule certainly aided me hugely in ‘releasing the ghosts from my Haunting Zone’. I powered through a whole load of the work backlog. And my goodness, what relief I felt – and how instantly warm I felt towards the dear souls from whom I’d been cowering!

So why the early morning wake up today?

Hm… Yes, I probably woke at 4.30am and eventually gave in and got up at 5.30am. My chest felt like it was being pulled inwards by a set of tightening strings. I thought I’d ask you… What’s up then?

We can see you chuntering hard around the project you’re working on.

Working on?! I’ve been FROZEN on it! And it’s due tomorrow! I set aside two full days to accomplish the task and I filled BOTH of those days with a) paralysis or b) other, more ‘urgent’ stuff.

So now you have til tomorrow. Shall we chunk it up? You know the amazing pre-frontal cortex can do many amazing things, but it simply cannot multitask – and that includes holding a plethora of pressing items in its short term memory.

(See the brilliant book I’m reading: Your Brain at Work, David Rock)

So let’s reorganise that plethora into manageable chunks to which you can then apply your Bare Minimum rule, as you bring them on to your Mental Stage one chunk at a time (maximum 4 today).

I’ve got two (non-work) appointments in town… 9.30-12.30 ( = 8.45-1.30 including travel time – that’s half a day…)

That’s fine. The first one (exercise class) you can easily ditch if you haven’t completed a chunk by 8am. If you have completed a chunk by 8am, you might value the break. Otherwise, pick up the 11-1 meeting only.

The value of the first option is physical exercise.

Drop the meeting?

And offend or inconvenience?

Yes.

This isn’t quite the main issue, is it?

No, dear one. Go inside for a bit.

***5 mins***

Anger, upset, touch of rage….

What boundaries need to be asserted?

Against the ‘meddling’ by the dear colleagues, which undermines my expertise and makes me lose the ability to function… Eek… The ‘shared’ decision-making is too much for my brain to handle. I can’t think because those colleagues are on my Mental Stage, prodding and deflating and breaking my concentration.

Maybe need to keep a distance..?

Yes. That is actually a really good solution, for the greater cause, which is getting the project completed. I feel relieved at that option. Thank you.

So, the takeaway message for today?

Be the director of your mental stage. David Rock describes

the Stage as the arena of your current thinking at any one moment – it refers to what your pre-frontal cortex (PFC) is focussing on. We are reminded that the PFC, while extremely clever at interacting with the world, has a very, very small capacity/RAM/working memory.
the Actors coming in from the wings are the factors coming in from the Outer World, often uninvited or unexpected (unless we have ways/habits to keep them waiting in the wings til invited) – emails, phone calls, notifications, other people, colleagues.
the Audience members represent our Inner World – our thoughts, emotions and memories. The more recent ones sit at the front, the older ones are far from the stage – and harder to get on stage (‘retrieve’) if needed. These audience members might heckle, interrupt, leap on the stage unbidden too.

Basically, I need to find a way to carry out a one-woman show from time to time, without stage invasions from the wings or the stalls. Right?

Certainly. And there is value in your learning to remain as protagonist (main character) in your mental stage play – as opposed to letting the ‘ghosts’ take over the narrative drive. Who is the main actor in your mind? If the conditions have been prepared well – it is you.

And who is the director?

Also you. It is the conscious, aware, creating part of you that decides who/what gets to go up on your mental stage at any one time, and that orders interlopers off the stage if uninvited.

The director directing actors on the stage

Ok. I like this. Thank you.

So, DirectorMe directs ActorMe, and holds the space of the mental stage so the story can be told and the work can be done.

Be the director of your mental stage

2020-02-082020-02-11

Private 18: Do the bare minimum and bring relief

The snow plough deffo ran out of petrol after a bit during the day. My threat brain started to peel off my thinking brain. An “I need help” conversation with my G helped a lot to calm and refocus.

I reflected on how much my work is just all about rolling around in really traumatic subject territory, around people who can be in a very upset state, and I’m not getting to process it properly – and therefore the unprocessed stuff starts to impact on my ability to carry out the seemingly day to day tasks.

This week alone, I’ve had a whole team in tears in one of my mental health trainings for frontline staff because they are so stressed and over-worked. I gave a talk on suicide prevention to a hall full of commissioners, based on my lived experience of suicidal ideation. I’ve sat in the home of a traumatised young couple at risk of homelessness, giving them conflict coaching while the man was simultaneously trying to calm and hang on to (so it wouldn’t attack ‘the nice lady’) a biting, writhing 10 week old pitbull terrier on his lap for over an hour… I’ve counselled a company director about his year long conflict with his boss… And really, what worries me most? It’s the emails I haven’t replied to and the next training products I’m meant to have prepared. Oh, and my daughter’s birthday next week, which I feel I haven’t prepared for. And then… oh then… Lord above, there’s my broken-heartedness: we said goodbye to our beautiful, noble, amazing (14yo) family cat just 5 days ago…. </3

No wonder you are feeling …

Yes, I am feeling. That’s it. The words are too complex.

If you could name some feelings?

Extremely stressed
Scared
Frustrated
On edge
Panicked
Wound up

It’s a Saturday and I got up at 6.30am to do the work that’s hanging over me threateningly. I need to ‘get on top of things’ to relieve some of those feelings.

Get on top to things in order to…?

…relieve some of those feelings.

Relieve. Yes. Remember the equation for Compassion Fatigue?

Burnout + Vicarious Trauma. Sing it…

And the preventative approach to avoid Compassion Fatigue?

Compassion Satisfaction.

Yes. When you feel the satisfaction of successfully unleashing your compassion, it’s as if you have ‘completed the stress response cycle’.

So what gave you Compassion Satisfaction this week, if you look at the above events, and reframe them in terms of good/successful compassion? (NB: compassion = the desire to prevent and alleviate suffering.)

I helped the frontline staff express themselves and decide to seek help
My talk contributed to commissioners’ decisions and pledges on the suicide prevention strategy in my area
The young couple were supported to see their strengths and to report their progress to the local council
I supported the director in his decision to seek the support of another senior colleague around his employment contract
I rallied with my family as we said goodbye to our beautiful cat

Good. How does it feel to reframe things in this way?

Really good. It brings me a sense of relief.

This is the key! Bringing relief. The work of compassion is essentially the work of bringing relief. And self compassion is about bringing relief to yourself. How have your brought relief to yourself this week?

I used my MEDS

M: Mindfulness – via writing here
E: Exercise – I managed a 30 min walk every day, and used the yoga mat 1 or 2 times a day
D: Diet – I tried to eat low-carb so as to control blood sugar levels
S: Sleep – I tried to go to sleep early (Screenfree and in bed by 10pm) to get 7 hours sleep.

And what else do you need to bring relief to yourself?

To get on top of things – work and comms.

And how best can you do that?

I guess by starting with the stuff that’s waking me up at night… And by getting the Compassion Satisfaction biofeedback for myself, like I did above there?

Ways I brought relief to myself / Ways I prevented and alleviated suffering?

What troubles you are the ‘ghosts’ outside – the shadowy others who you feel are judging, waiting, hovering, expecting, tutting.

Yes!!!! They are ‘ghosts’ as well, because they are basically spectres of my own imaginings. (No offence to actual ghosts.) But they are indeed shadowy presences I’m cowering from. Thank you!

So we are not saying to you, “Cheer up, there’s no such thing as ghosts!” Instead we are saying, “These spectres really concern you. If you want to be compassionate to yourself, to prevent/alleviate your own suffering, and to bring yourself relief… then ‘defend yourself’ from the ghosts.”

Like a ghostbuster…

In a sense, yes. It’s about acknowledging that you, and your body, will feel free of threat, if you’ve looked at the ghosts and done the things to defend yourself from them – but the minimal thing! Not dancing a merry jig with them. Ok?

Relief arising from defending myself against the ghosts. Funny – the phrase defend myself… I wouldn’t expect if from you. But it makes sense.

If I look out of the corner of my eye, I am being ‘haunted’ by my imaginings of certain people WAITING for me to do stuff…

Who are they? Write those Ghosts down on a piece of paper.

***writes them down – 14 items including groups – representing about 150 individuals in total***

Crikey! You’ve been carrying those ghosts round with you?!! No wonder you’re feeling drained! Can you see how exhausting this must be for you? You’re exhausted by them because of this formula:

You feel you have to ‘service’ them all at 100% – and to do so would take masses of time and energy – so you don’t (or you postpone) – so you CARRY THEM WITH YOU as you go about your day and night.

Slough those dudes off, my friend! Slough ’em off! Slough ’em off with the minimal action it would take to DELETE them from that CROWD of shuffling, shadowy ghosts!

Does this seem brutal? Of course it does, because you think that maintaining personal boundaries is cruel.

Right?

No. Allowing these bright souls on your list to become haunting ghosts in your consciousness is what is cruel. Really! Keep them out of the haunting zone (by IMPERFECT, minimal actions to bring relief) and then, dear friend, you are actually honouring people.

Ooooh, interesting take!!! I like it..! That kind of blows my mind.

So, I think I’m honouring people by my concern to do right by them, but actually, because I put them into my haunting zone, I’m not honouring either them or me.

Boom.

Ok. I’m gonna get those folks out of my haunting zone, by the minimal action possible. Educated laziness!

THIS is it. You. Think. Minimal. Action. Is: Laziness and Not Caring About the Person. Which is not true. And this idea is creating haunting zones for all involved.

Got it… I think!

Ok. Let me do it now: Do the BARE MINIMUM to lovingly get these folks out of my haunting zone – to bring relief to me and to them.

Do the bare minimum (to release the apparent ghosts from your Haunting Zone) and bring relief

PS. Remember – get these beautiful people out of your Haunting Zone asap, for everyone’s benefit! They are only ghosts if you make them so, by clutching them tight in your Haunting Zone with your FEAR of their judgment/response to you. As you start a task say to the lovely person held there, “Dear friend, I am so sorry for holding you in my Haunting Zone – I release you now with love and thanks!“

2020-02-082020-05-18

Private 17: Get on top of things

My levels of early-morning, pre-get-up stress and adrenaline charge are virtually at panic attack level. Advice, please.

‘Get on top of things.’

That’s a reference to The Crown (ep 1?) – when Princess Elizabeth asks her father if all the duties/paperwork of the sovereign do not get too much. “Not if you keep on top of it all” George VI says.

Is your advice about being… queenly, sovereign, stable, crowned in my approach?

Not today. The queen archetype is also ‘benign’ and ‘merciful’ in her approach – not something you need today, except towards yourself. She is also associated with power and authority – and today you will see yourself gradually increasing that sense of power and authority, but for now we’re a step too far too summon that state.

The archetype that will bring you into alignment with yourself today is: the strict headmistress.

Ha! Ok.. (Not for nothing is that archetype the stuff of many a fantasy…)

Strictness is about ‘restricting, tightening’. Why is this important for you today? Because, in your openness and conscientiousness and beneficence to others, you also widened your personal boundaries so much that you can’t find the edges any more, and you’ve lost your power to complete.

Completely. I see that.

Now, matters (including comms) must be on your terms, before you keel over! Through an internal sense of portraying ‘strictness’ will you ‘get on top of things’ again, to your own satisfaction.

Release the ‘girlishness’ today, to get back on top of things again.

This all makes me cringe somewhat…. I hear you. I need to reconnect with the snow-plough aspect of my character: powering through; not grinding to a halt but sustaining momentum; indifferent to the height of the snow pile in front; fearless – or rather, unmoved and businesslike and focused…

Scania R 580 6×4, tipper with snow plough

Today, I shall take on the internal persona of Headmistress Snowplough.

Headmistress Snowplough won’t write a horrid list of To-Dos but rather an impressive list of Dones.

Headmistress Snowplough won’t write long emails, but (what seems to her Conscientious Alter-Ego) ‘curt’ emails.

Headmistress Snowplough won’t indulge herself or others in distractions – but will retain strict focus on ‘What’s Next’.

And she will have fun with the character! And in this way, she will…

Get on top of things.

2020-02-072020-02-11

Private 16: Absorb yourself with that which uLike (playing iLike)

Take the best bits forward and leave the rest behind.

I love this. Exactly. I’ve got so so so much good stuff to take forward; and it’s clear to me what needs to drop away. It’s the stuff that overstimulates me and is obviously (I say obviously…) at odds with my inner being. I was listening to an Abraham podcast yesterday and reminded of the way we can read what is at odds with our inner being – it’s that feeling of tension or resistance…

What do you feel tense and resistant about?

Hustling… Ooh, that makes me teary… Funny, isn’t it? I work in negotiation, and yet, I don’t want to negotiate?

A clear opening position is the best starting point to any negotiation.

And I’m rarely clear on my opening position…?

If you have a pot of jam on your stall – what flavour is it, and how much does it cost?

And my stance is, ‘You can have any type of jam you like, and the prices vary according to… how much I think you have in your pocket!’

Boom.

So clarity, now, on what I do and what I offer… And to that inner voice that thinks clarity is a risk, or that it will put some people off… Remain clear. Remain clear. Remain clear. This is my jam, and this is its price.

And this is how to leave ‘hustling’ behind. It doesn’t mean you can’t negotiate, it just means you’re not trying to use smoke and mirrors, or… importantly… be ‘all things to all people’.

“This is my jam, and this is its price.” I could weep at the simplicity of it.

Excellent. It’s about fairness to yourself. Be fair to yourself by naming your price. Not to name your price is to leave yourself open to being undervalued. Ok? It’s hard for a few seconds, but much less hard than dealing with hustling or being underpaid. Ok?

Name my price.

Set out your stall, and then stand by it!

And take forward the things (jam flavour, services, work, activities) you really enjoy. Focus on those things – luxuriate in them, gain the benefit, absorb yourself with that with you like and love and appreciate and would have the Universe bring you more of…

Today, say “iLike…” x 100… Tell ‘us’, the Universe, yourself, your subconscious mind.. what it is you like and want more of. You’ll get more of whatever you focus on, so you might as well focus on what uLike!

We’re playing a game. Excellent. iLike such games!

Absorb yourself with that which uLike (playing iLike)

PS. iLike is such a good game. It changes the whole day – and presumably the days after it – by lifting one’s focus to the high-flying disc stuff. Saying it all out loud is even better than merely thinking it, because then you feel and embody the appreciation too. It’s about savouring all that is good: that which is around us, or we remember, or aspire to…. Ty for this game.

2020-02-052020-02-11

Private 15: Plant the seeds

The thoughts of today are the seeds of tomorrow’s harvest.

What am I planting?

The better question is, given that you have complete free will over what you plant, what seeds would you consciously seek to plant?

Nice. Well… Anchoredness. Stillness. Efficacy. Contribution. Receptivity. Wisdom. Kindness. Calm. Yes, may I contribute peace to this world, from my inner state outwards. May I emanate the actual frequency of peace, unity, love and light. May I be a pillar of peace in the world. And may I know my tribe and play with them and feel connected to them.

Good seed-planting.

Seed-planting by Mrs Dialogue

2020-02-042020-02-11

Private 14: Live beautifully

Faerie Queene on a Unicorn by HowardDavidJohnson.com

Loud voice today, saying Live Beautifully. Dime mas…

Live Beautifully means live, work, breathe, act, speak in the frequency of beauty, which is light, expansive, receptive, easeful and … ‘attractive’ (in the law of attraction meaning of the word.)

My adrenal glands are suffering at the moment.

Live Beautifully is the message of your adrenals to you! Live Beautifully means that leading with the Soothing System is just fine. Live Beautifully means live lightly, gently, softly, compassionately.

And when you spot yourself revving in overdrive, or acting from/in fear, just stop… pause… reboot… reorientate. Nothing is worth spilling adrenaline over today. There is a lot to get done today, and only by ‘Live Beautifully will you achieve it sustainably.

I’m just reminded that tomorrow is the 11 year anniversary of Mum’s stroke. Her philosophy? “It’s got to be fun!” Yes, that is a vital aspect of living beautifully…

Fun is exactly the ticket. Compare ‘fun, open, calm, soothed, receptive’ to… ‘red, raw, closed and inflamed’.

Like my innards….

As we think so we feel so we act so we receive.

Why inflamed? How did that happen? What’s going on ?

Adrenaline is a ‘burning’ substance… and it is also addictive. You kinda know you’re alive when the adrenaline is kicking. Add in a hooking reaction to dopamine and you’re in constant drive/overdrive. Relax. Relax. Relax… Feel the burn of inactivity, of lack of concern. Revel in boredom and under-stimulation.

That’s it – I am addicted to stimulation, so I dododo, either out of fear or out of stimulation-seeking. Need to practice mindfulness properly to get back to being able to tolerate non-stimulation.

Non-stim.

Hm… stimming. Of course. Why? Why do we stim?

Sensory processing, but also, anxiety management.

I need to manage my anxiety in a different way than revving up and overloading – I need to manage to have less in my life and less in my brain. I need to lean in to the life my brain tells me will be “boring”…. because what is truly boring is over-stimulation and the inflammation it causes in my brain and body.

Repetition. One jam. Simplicity. Can I…?

Sounds like living beautifully…

Aha. Yep. I see. No more jazz-hands is about leaning into what I fear will be under-stimulating… and gloriously riding the wave of under-stimulation like a faerie queen on a unicorn…

Live beautifully (under-stimulation)

So, I googled images under ‘Faerie Queene on a Unicorn’ with tongue in cheek, but actually, yes, I’m moved and relieved and transported by this painting. So I went to the website of the artist, and look what he says on his home page…

“This is my world. This is the world I love. It is a world without limits. My world is what I choose to make it.”

Beautiful. What is the world that I choose to make and live in? Is it a world of conflict, dark politics, mental illness? No! My world is a world of peace, unity, love and light, and it’s furnished with the tools for fostering yet more peace, unity, love and light. And we share these tools amongst ourselves.

This is living beautifully. <3