Category: The Pivot Project

After the Peak Project I decided I needed to spend less time on these Dialogues of Discernment which were anyway for my eyes only, and repurpose my time and my writing impulses to my professional blog, where I could write about conflict resolution, and be more useful with my writing. But within a few days, the urge to write here became too strong, and I heard, ‘Sometimes we need to talk to you in private.’ And so, I returned here for consolation and guidance. BUT, several weeks in, I heard, ‘Pivot! It’s ‘Pivot’ not ‘Private’.’ And the Private dialogues summarily became the Pivot project. In this project, I sought to find the Autistic Zen Zone which would best give rest and nourishment to my beautiful Aspie brain. This led me to studying Zen Mind Beginner’s Mind as a thread through this project. What a good basis that went on to become, when our days of busy whirlwind productivity came to a grinding halt as the coronavirus pandemic changed life for everyone across the globe. Welcome to the Pivot Project (aka Private).

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Private 13: Embark on the actions

Help me into this disquiet. What are the messages in my fluctuating emotions? Karla McLaren calls emotions ‘action-requiring neurological programs‘ – a definition from Damasio. Using Karla’s list of emotions (downloadable pdf here) I can identify in myself feelings of sadness, specifically disconnected and sorrowful and disquieted. A reaction in me, I sense, to the displays of vainglory by our ruling politicians, here and abroad; their manipulation of peoples with lies and empty promises; their whipping up of hatred and ‘othering’; their incitement to the vanity of national ‘pride’ (not called one of the seven deadly sins for nowt); their narcissism and their carelessness and punitive attitude towards those who are vulnerable, displaced and dependent on the kindness of strangers.

If you’re reading this down the line in another time, here in this video is an example of the extraordinary turn this country has taken against ‘the Other’.  I choose this video because it’s an everyday person being affected (as opposed to the homeless or disabled person or single parent or immigrant or any other Other, who has been targeted by this govt for 10 years, largely under the radar or awareness of the ‘middle class every day person’ who never expected to find themselves as the Other…):

McLaren says that:

‘Sadness requires that you take action to let go of something that isn’t working anyway, and grief requires that you actively mourn something that is lost irretrievably.’

Time to let go of….?

Hope that the current political system will deliver anything other than more of the old. 

As far back as 1995 it was understood by you that the new had to arise out of the burning ashes of the old.

But I thought it would emerge sooner rather than later…

It was always going to be a matter of more or less pain being the catalyst to change. 

I thought we’d peaked… And instead, it got worse. The internet and social media became the weapon of choice for the ruling elite, surpassing even the complete saturation of mainstream media, and we weren’t prepared for that onslaught. And in fact, no one would have imagined in a million years, that these smiling politicians (jolly old buffoons etc – BJ and DT in UK and US) would use the techniques of large-scale mental manipulation, dog-whistling and lying… It’s horrific.

What is it you sometimes say to yourself when you watch these individuals acting like snakes? 

I’m hesitant to say it because it sounds sexist.

Say it nonetheless… 

The future is female

Ok. Ty. This is helpful because…?

Well, it’s certainly not saying the women are blameless in this whole f***ing sh*tshow! In the UK cabinet, PP is absolutely staggering in her hatred, vanity and carelessness towards humans…

No, the other thing…

Ah, yes. It’s helpful because it doesn’t mean ‘sack the men’, it means bring in the yin aspects and the divine feminine, to balance the yang and the divine masculine. As Abdu’l-Baha said:

Quote by Abdu'l-Baha

The reason this is brought to your attention (tractor beam!) today is the following: if sadness/grief is a call to let go of the old, then it is also a desire to move forward with the new. It is a call to action. So what is the new? What is the opposite to: large-scale mental manipulation, dog-whistling and lying, incitement to ‘pride’, narcissism, carelessness towards the vulnerable?

It’s those things we talked about yesterday:

  • compassionate communities
  • peaceful relationships
  • sustained wellbeing

And so could it be possible that your immense sadness is what you feel when you focus on the old/broken just at the darkest point before the dawn of your letting-go of the old/broken and INVOKING the new/emerging. 

If I go back to Karla McLaren on the Gifts of Sadness I see her encouragement to bring FLUIDITY to sadness. YES. Because I have this feeling of stuckness. In fact, I said to the shiatsu practitioner last week, ‘I’d like to feel the flow of intuition in me – I’m getting stuck, not just in my back, but in indecision.’ Is emotions are ‘action-requiring neurological programs’ what actions am I being invited to undertake? See this from Karla McLaren:

SADNESS: The Water Bearer

ACTION REQUIRED: Sadness arises when it’s time to let go of something that isn’t working anyway. If you can truly let go, relaxation and rejuvenation will follow.

GIFTS: Release ~ Fluidity ~ Grounding ~ Relaxation ~ Rejuvenation

THE INTERNAL QUESTIONS: What must be released? What must be rejuvenated?

Sadness is a wonderful emotion that arises when something needs to be released. This might be an idea, an attitude, a possession, a stance, an ideology, a belief, a relationship, or a way of behaving in the world (etc.) that no longer works for you. Sadness has a kind of alchemical magic to it, because if you can listen to it and honestly let go, you’ll find that you can relax and breathe again. Sadness is about letting go — and letting go means that you’ll be freer than you were before (when you were holding on tightly to something that was honestly not working). When you can listen to your sadness and work with it empathically, you’ll experience relaxation, spaciousness, and a sense of rejuvenation.

Many people have problems with sadness, and as I think about it, I sense what I call a fundamental correlation error. That’s a fancy way of saying that people often blame sadness for the way they’re feeling, instead of realizing that sadness arises in response to the fact that they’re holding on to something that isn’t working anyway.

https://karlamclaren.com/welcoming-the-gifts-of-sadness/ [Also, do buy her extraordinary book, ‘The Language of Emotions’]

So, what isn’t working?

The old way of working. 

Ha. Yes, I know, the pushpushpush… What is the new/emerging?

Peace on Earth … embodied by those who truly want it. 

Ah, so you (I) can’t just chat this stuff, we have to embody it!

Bingo. This is the New. 

And that clearly involves getting out of the head, where the drama-generating thought happens…?

And into the body… 

Even though that ‘hurts’ because then you feel all the emotions…

And are then able to embark on the actions required by the neurological programme. (‘Emotions are action-requiring neurological programs.’)

Embark on the actions. 

Embark on the actions.

Embark on the actions.

Share the tools..? 

Embark on the actions.

Every time the sadness of the old arises, use that e-motion-al to generate the motion towards the new. 

Simplify, simplify, simplify. There is no time or energy for fancy pants… It’s got to be short, sharp, simple, fearless, generous, abundant, self-sacrificing.

Self-sacrificing. I don’t think we’ve used that word before tbh…..

Consider what it means in terms of this new reality, this vision of compassionate communities, peaceful relationships and sustainable wellbeing? 

Definitions of self-sacrifice

  • sacrifice of oneself or one’s interest for others or for a cause or ideal
  • giving up one’s own interests or wishes in order to help others or advance a cause.

What are my interests or wishes that I’ve been defending? Maybe that’s not the point. Hm… So maybe it’s about focusing on the bigger picture more than ‘just my own’?

There we go. 

Focus my attention on the bigger picture (vision) and the mission, and embark on the actions (practices).

Super.

Embark on the actions

 

PS. Ask yourself: who is the main beneficiary of my actions? The laws of true self-sacrifice state the when the main beneficiary of a person’s actions is the Other, the Self is protected too.

STO vs STS

Indeed.

So in embarking on actions for the bigger picture (the vision) ask: CUI BONO? (To whom the benefit?)

This was easy when the girls were little – it was the girls. Then for a while it’s been all about ME – in recovery, personal, financial etc.

Well this is now about maturing as a person in your world. Good news. ❤️

 

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Private 12: Focus your attention 

Well, I took steps re. last session’s exhortation to jump in to life and have an old laugh with it etc. I took this blog off maintenance mode (as it’s been on for a year…) and added a bit more clarity to the About page. I also added Yoast. (Ergh..) I noted (later) that it left me feeling grumpy and edgy irl. But there we are. If I’m interested in my lived experience being useful for others, I have to break out of the bubble of privacy. Which is ironic given the apparent title of the current project.

Curiously, in a meeting at the university yesterday, someone mentioned a lecturer by name (quite reverently!) as if we would all know her. I noted the name down thinking, hm, that’s odd. Just looked her up and… she’s a researcher in applied autism interventions. Maybe I should contact her about DoDs and therapeutic journaling. I think (and actually it was a wonderful mental health PA who suggested this to me) that this journaling practice is not far from the Wise Mind approach of DBT…

YES!

Thank you for the loud nod! I wanted actually to talk about Attention today.

The other day I thought, and noted down:

My attention is finite and it is my most valuable commodity.

Attention = creation / energy / manifestation / potential

…therefore use it carefully

So, wise inner voice. What are your thoughts on my Attention and how I currently use it?

“Scatter-gun”

Bit harsh…

But useful, right? By Scatter-gun we simply mean widely spread and directed across many ‘targets’. The targets are all those sources of ‘reward’ you are interested in. They are the targets of your ‘Drive’ system (and nucleus accumbens) which seeks dopamine, stimulation, progression, achievement. 

And I am getting better at absorbing and anchoring (‘maximising’) those ‘wins’ by noting down my ABCDs daily. I worked out that noting Achievements, Blessings, Confirmations and ‘Done!’s gives me satisfaction and also relief and the motivation to continue. It offsets the temptation to stress out, jazz-hand, overcook and blow-a-gasket by not knowing when to just ruddy stop. And it is better than setting one goal and suffering the dismay of missing it. Instead, I am now a optimistic whale cruising the ocean guzzling scrumptious ABCD-krill all the darn day long.

However…

How do I focus my attention more effectively?

Ways to focus your attention more effectively: 

  1. Minimisation of ‘drama’. You’re getting really good at this now. (My G is a great coach/role model tbh.) We are seeking the reduction of any kind of inflammation: physical, neurological, emotional. This is key. Reduction in inflammation is key. So, reducing the alert response, or surprise response, or dismay response, or fear response, is beneficial to wresting back control of attention. (I like the irony of that statement the day after ‘Brexit’ day…) My friend: no drama, no reaction, no revulsion, no taking a stand against life… (I get it. Peace.) Yes. Peace. 🙂 
  2. Imagine your brain, or third eye, or forehead, as a red laser beam of attention: it’s constantly pointing its little red light at something. Are you aware of what you are gifting your attention to at any moment? What if we called that beam a ‘tractor beam’ – one of those magnetising, attracting light beams extending from UFOs to ‘collect’ objects?! What are you directing the magnetising tractor (aka ‘attractor’) beam of your attention at? What are you attracting towards you? (Ergh… Too much gawping at politics… Quite a lot of looking at conflict and mental illness too, I note…)Image result for tractor beam
  3. Select the themes or outcomes or objects you would consciously choose to be magnetising into your consciousness and life with your powerful ‘tractor beam attention. (Well, the opposite of politics, conflict and mental illness, I guess. So: empowered communities, peaceful relationships and wellbeing recovery…)
  4. Find models and role models you can rest your attention on. (I’m thinking Findhorn, Pema Chodron, Peace Pilgrim, Caroline Myss, Tami Simon (founder of Sounds True), Louise Hay, Karla McLaren (Language of Emotions, author), Helen Shucman (ACIM Scribe)… My ‘poster girls’! And I notice I have only chosen women… Let’s add other souls I have been moved, educated and inspired by: Eckhart Tolle, Matt Kahn, Daniel Siegel…)
  5. Now link their work to your Mission for this year: ‘Share Tools with the Newgens’ – or simply ask yourself, ‘What do they do?’:Findhorn: courses, workshops, work experience 365/24/7
    • Pema Chodron: teaches meditation via retreats and books
    • Caroline Myss: teaches spiritual development via retreats and books
    • Tami Simon: created a multimedia platform to be able to link millions of reader up with the great minds of our time
    • Louise Hay: created an international publishing platform to be able to link millions of reader up with the great minds of our time; her own books too
    • Karla McLaren: wrote an incredible book to educate people about emotions
    • Helen Shucman: scribed a truly transcendent, miraculous book
  6. Can you sum it what they do? ‘Publishing and teaching in personal development.’ Is this my world???!  I notice my judgment against ‘personal development’ – ha, hello Shadow! What about my client practice? Ah, I guess it’s this too: these are all ways I share tools. And what are the tools all for? I suppose it’s those themes: empowered communities, peaceful relationships and wellbeing recovery.
  7. Ask yourself what life would look like if your kept your tractor beam attention on that which you have consciously chosen. To sum up the above more clearly, I am saying my attention would be on:
      • Publishing, teaching and private practice in personal development, sharing tools that foster empowered communities, peaceful relationships and wellbeing recovery.
    • And what it look like to keep my ‘tractor beam’ on this mission?
      • Liberating. Freeing. A relief. Positive. Right in the centre of shadow space – which is great – my shadow/ego wants the ‘anti-‘, the drama, the negative and is suspicious of situating our actions in the positive, optimistic, conscious… It wants to say that all that is wishy-washy and a luxury for the privileged. It wants to say that down-and-dirty is where it’s at… But down-and-dirty, focussing attention on the negative is a Sisyphean task because it simply creates a replication of the so-called unwanted state… Image result for Sisyphean task
      •  I’m reminded of the peer support training I was studying yesterday. It encouraged people with lived experience of poor mental health to consider the difference between sharing their ‘illness story’ (the lows, worst bits, devastating outcomes – aka the personal ‘drama’) versus their ‘recovery story’ (the learning, the tools, the encouragement – aka the personal development)
      • I’ve held back from ‘teaching’ personal development because I thought you had to be on top of it to teach it, but it is, I guess, my Special Interest, so why not at least just share what I am learning and value for myself, because none of us have nailed it, and to progress further with something, you have to start teaching it (eg in yoga – that’s a thing).
      • The final point I’d make is that, under the laws of the tractor beam, focussing my magnetising attention on the positive aspects and on (say it!) personal development would draw it all closer to me, and that would be good for my health and relieving and fun and liberating and a way of my adding better vibes to this planet. Amen.

Great! That was an excellent process. 

Thanks, ‘Wise Mind’. 🙂 Why is the phrase ‘personal development’ so crinkly to me?

Because that has been your secret space for healing and sense-making. You have felt ashamed of ‘needing’ personal development… which is priceless, because (as you do well know) the non-Sisyphean task of personal development is precisely what we are born for! 

It’s interesting… In both my mental health training and conflict resolution work what people are really learning and benefitting from is indeed ‘personal development’ learning how to be more present to their feelings and those of others, learning how to communicate more authentically, developing empathy and compassion, understanding boundaries and self-care…

A note. I’m not happy with the phrase ’empowered communities’. I had it earlier as ‘united communities’ which wasn’t right either. I’d like to change it to ‘compassionate communities’.

Beautiful. That is it. Spot on. 

Also… I think ‘wellbeing recovery’ is a little on the down-side. Can I change it to ‘sustainable wellbeing’? I kind of mean, auto-generating, or self-sustaining – you know, where we can look after ourselves. I don’t want it to be confused with ‘green’ or ‘environmental’ – that’s not what I mean. Let’s try it.

My work:

Publishing, teaching and private practice in personal development, sharing tools that foster compassionate communities, peaceful relationships and sustained wellbeing (or: wellbeing recovery?).

Talking ‘aloud’ about personal development feels like a minor kind of ‘coming out’. What even is it defined as?

‘Personal development covers activities that improve awareness and identity, develop talents and potential, build human capital and facilitate employability, enhance the quality of life and contribute to the realization of dreams and aspirations. Personal development takes place over the course of a person’s entire life.[1] Not limited to self-help, the concept involves formal and informal activities for developing others in roles such as teacher, guide, counselor, manager, life coach or mentor. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_development

I like that: awareness, identity, talents, potential, human capital, employability, quality of life, realisation of dreams/aspirations, life-long learning… Yes. I dig all of this. I’m not (ha!) ashamed to say it!

We should think not. Do you know how many young people are yearning for true development in these areas, and are instead being faced with an education system which tells them that exams on a knowledge-based curriculum is all they need to focus on? 

You’re saying, I should get over myself..?

Dear soul. Yes. Be the teacher, guide, counsellor, manager, life coach or mentor. For heavens’ sake, all your generation should be acting like this for the New Generations – offering a hand, eagerly passing down what is known, delighting in watching the younger generation immediately make it even better! Instead, you all have your heads in your TVs, phones, own children (only) and own careers. Find your sense of responsibility as a world citizen, not to preach, but to enable the NewGens, who are crystal pure, to unfurl themselves. 

Indeed.

Focus your attention (tractor beam)

PS. Later in the day: After going for a walk, we pulled in to the shoppers’ car park of a local market town, and there was a wall with an unusually beautiful mural… of UFOs with tractor beams. <3 It transpired later, that the hill we’d just walked up outside the town, is famous for UFO sightings. So, ha!, the tractor beam of my attention attracted tractor beams!

PPS. I worked on the statement further:

{Practices} Publishing, teaching, speaking and mediating in order to

{Mission} share tools for experiential personal development that foster 

{Vision} compassionate communities, peaceful relationships and sustained wellbeing

 

 

 

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Private 11: Might as well go for it and just have a laugh

Yesterday, my beloved eldest gave me an excellent book:

I started reading it later that afternoon. The initial point in the book really resonated. In sum, it goes like this: think about all the things that really mattered to you as a child. Not much, eh? It was all freedom, wonder and awe. Then think of all the many, varied, accumulating things that matter to you as you move in to adulthood: exam results, qualifications, first job, career, house, mortgage, recognition, nice car/functioning car… Over time, we give these things intense meaning. And as Parkin says:

Meaning is pain. Anything that has meaning for us – anything that matters – carries the potential to cause us pain. Meaning is a brightly coloured box with pain inside. And sometimes – without us wanting it to – the lid just bursts open and the pain comes pouring out. The problem is that meaning – things mattering – is attachment. And anything we’re attached to has the potential to turn round and bite us. (F**k It, 2014, p26)

Parkin suggests we get into a jet-propelled Perspective Machine to have a look down at the actual granularity of our lives. He reminds us that big shocks – 9/11, 7/7, the Asian tsunami, a cancer diagnosis – are all natural Perspective Machines. So is considering the brevity of our lives against the 100, 000 years of human existence, or the 4.5 billion years since the Big Bang:

And up there so high in our Perspective Machine we realise that our lives are really just like that of the firefly. Except the air is full of seven billion fireflies. They’re glowing beautifully for one night. Then they’re gone. So, F**k It, you might as well REALLY glow. And there we go again. Did you taste it? That was the brief taste of freedom. Sometimes it doesn’t last long. But it’s an unforgettable taste.        (F**k It, 2014, p37)

And here’s the thing. I remembered, suddenly this morning, while making coffee and pondering on how much meaning-and-mattering I’d attributed to this and that in my life, that a few brief years ago, I didn’t know if I’d make it.

I remember… back in 2014 and 2015 and 2016, just watching the life-force ebbing out of me, and feeling that my body was packing in, and having this awful fear that, just as I was starting to learn how I might manage my life, and even develop the desire to pursue life, I was going to lose it – and leave my children to manage their adulthoods alone and unwitnessed by their adoring mother.

Back then, I seemed in an interminable wrestling match with addiction to toxins that seemed to rip away from me the gathering successes I was having with healing and trauma  release. But, eventually, the healing and the trauma release, and the commitment to the sustainable recovery of my mental health, led me to the ways to release myself from the addictive habits that I had felt would kill me.

And here the heck I am. Five or so years later. Not just alive and clean, but thriving. And in love. And safely held. And cherished. And working again. And with two extraordinary grown-up children out there acing life.

Perspective Machine ahoy!

And what has happened in the last year, while getting my own work up and running..? A little bit too much meaning-and-mattering-making. And it’s been tiring, stressful and a little bit burnout-making. Not enough saying no or carving out boundaries. A little bit too much with the Importance of Being Earnest.

So look at this next line from Parkin:

Personally, I’ve always tasted [the brief taste of freedom] when I’ve contemplated that utter meaningless of my own existence. It’s a rush of freedom and it tasted good. If my life means so little, then F**k It, I might as well go for it and just have a laugh.  (F**k It, 2014, p37)

And what would ‘going for it and just having a laugh’ look like for you? 

Interesting you ask. 🙂 Last night, we went out with a couple from our music group. It turns out, he is the lead paediatrician for autism in the area. We talked about the experience of our daughters’ diagnoses. We talked about how little is being done to change criteria for diagnosis so that it might actually be girl-applicable. We talked about the importance of changing the understanding of girls and autism. I noticed… I didn’t disclose my own diagnosis. But I did feel a burgeoning again. To use my lived experience for good.

Interesting! And is that about ‘having a laugh’ too?

Yes. Tbh, I think it could be. Perhaps my barrier to doing so in the first place was that I could only see myself doing it with The Importance of Being Earnest. And that grated. For me, for any ‘audience’, but especially for my Aspie colleagues. Also, I didn’t want to be identified as Mrs Autism – because that is not what one is. :/ Like Temple Grandin is (to me) Engineer first and Autism educator second.

What’s the alternative to Mrs Autism?

Mrs Dialogue. I am interested in Dialogue. That is my route in to, out of and around autism too. Dialogue is the art and craft of the empath who suffers the haranguing of the everyday conversations around them. Dialogue is the meaning-maker but also the relief-generator, the nuance-finder, the safety-creator, the peace-producer, the resolution-builder.

Excellent. Well…

Might as well go for it and just have a laugh

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Private 10: Taking the Optimistic View

Taking the Optimistic View is about nudging up, nudging up, nudging up your idea of how the time-event might pan out. The conscious creative act is how new-good-things are born. 

Take today. What’s occurring? 

  1. QT in bed for the morning
  2. Chinese New Year Lunch with DD1 <3
  3. Resting time
  4. Dinner with friends
  5. Burns Night Gig

A good day!

Wonderful. What is the best version of this day you can imagine? 

It’s to do with feeling connected and at peace.

Ask yourself: what is heaven on earth? 

Heaven on earth is… Love flowing, peace flowing, unity flowing, light flowing… And it feels easeful, cumulative… Not an act, effort or drain.

It’s the weekend feeling, maybe? When the professional positioning, and the commercial circumnavigating, and the metropolitan masking can slide away, and we can all be truly outflowing without fear of loss of face, trust, balance.

Yes, and it’s time for much more of all that, maybe? 

What would it look like for all of today to be about the flowing of PULL? 

It would look like… energy flowing out of my diaphragm area?

And back in! A genuine exchange. 

Not like work…

The blueprint model for your work. And for life. 

The non-predatory model of work and life…

Taking the Optimistic View

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Private 9: Imagine everything working out beautifully

  • Phew! I’m on my way now.
  • Phew! I found somewhere to get some soup.
  • Phew! I did the scary training session.
  • Phew! I’m on the train.
  • Phew! I’ve sorted my papers for tomorrow’s work.
  • Phew! I’m in the hotel room.
  • Phew! I didn’t throw up [upset stomach in the night]
  • Phew! I slept.
  • Phew! I’m dressed and ready.
  • Phew! We’ve interviewed twenty people for the research project!

What I love about the ‘Phew! First’ approach is the building, accumulating, burgeoning, relieving sense of Having Got Stuff Done. What’s the opposite? It’s jumping hurdles without acknowledging the achievement because at the very point of leaping, one is already only focussed on The Next Hurdle. And then what happens? You never get to complete the Stress Response Cycle! And then your body tenses up at the thought of Tasks, because they seem un-fricking-ending, relentless and like a ceaseless punishment with no release, or reward. 

Tough stuff! And great, awesome breakthroughs! It’s as if you are learning to rewire your brain towards relief, reward and ‘learned optimism’. 

Learned optimism. Great idea.

Learned Optimism is a super-power, a magic muscle. Can you imagine, can you imagine, can you imagine… everything working out BEAUTIFULLY? 

Ha! Tbh, sometimes I can, and sometimes I can’t. ‘Imagining’ takes some energy, doesn’t it? And the luxury of day-dreamy time…

Spot on. But it can also be about simply visualising options. Think of the TV programme, The Good Place – a euphemistic name for heaven. They also talk about The Bad Place and The Medium Place. So for any upcoming event or scenario, can you imagine, can you imagine, can you imagine…

  • The Bad Outcome
  • The Medium Outcome
  • The Good Outcome and…
  • The Beautiful Outcome!

Sure! Ok I have a colleague meeting this morning:

  • The Bad Outcome: we end up chatting about unrelated stuff, and I waste the morning, and then have to do the work myself anyway
  • The Medium Outcome: we get a bit confused, make some small decisions, and then I have to do the work myself anyway, a bit unsure if it’s what we agreed
  • The Good Outcome: we use the time to get super-clarity on what happens next
  • The Beautiful Outcome!: {The Good Outcome} plus we bond and inspire each other

Oh… Wow… That was a cool exercise! Talk about honing intention.

Learned optimism starts with simply visualising options and outcomes, and tapping into the felt sense behind each. How do you feel about each of your options above?

  • The Bad Outcome: cross, judgey, frustrated
  • The Medium Outcome: glum, worried, dumped upon
  • The Good Outcome: excited, positive, relieved
  • The Beautiful Outcome: moved, emotional!

Then, you’ve got the idea! Did you know you had the possibility for this morning’s meeting to be moving, emotional, inspiring, bonding? Can you lean into that possibility? 

Taking the optimistic view is a two part process: 

  1. Visualise it by using the Bad/Medium/Good/Beautiful Outcome procedure, including getting a ‘felt sense’ of each.
  2. Then, play with the felt sense and the detail of the Good and Beautiful Outcomes, gently, playfully. This is the Target Slide of Reality Transurfing.

Bring ease to this exercise, and continually back up your present moment moves with Phew!, so that you’re also in the present appreciating your self and ‘what is’, while visualising the beautiful outcomes. 

Ok. Cool. Thank you.

Imagine everything working out beautifully

PS. In my meeting, we got the Beautiful Outcome

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Private 8: Preface internal statements with the word and feeling, ‘Phew!’ and see what happens

Feelings of… angst. So much work and no proper break?

Easy tiger; take it gently. Getting that ‘rewarding feeling’ comes from the Driving forward and the Soothing after. 

Yes, my actual time in the savanna (eyeball to eyeball with trainees/clients in ‘performance’ mode) is fairly limited. If I think about the actual training ahead,  I’ve got 2 hours on Monday (with 4 groups of primary children!) and 3.5 hours on Tuesday with a group I’ve already done a successful session with.

It’s the prepping that takes so much time. And the build up on comms behind me as I do that.

You became a mother around this day, some many years ago. How about that as an alternative perspective? 

Amazing, isn’t it…? <3

And you had a great idea about a book, last time we met.

Yes. AC’s DoDs based on my diaries. With illustrations.

As a means to ST – Share Tools. 

Afternoon client work…. (People are often more relaxed.)

P L E A S E. 

eg 1.30-5.

Yes. 

Morning writing and MEDS.

Yes.

VA to arrange timings/comms.

Yes.

Happy nucleus accumbens? (Reward and Reinforcement)

YES.

Set boundaries around my work.

YES.

But what about jollies to London/Birmingham for clients?

n o p e the nucleus accumbens does not l i k e it

No more endless bespoke work.

Nope. 

In order to really get the ‘reward and reinforcement’ feeling of the nucleus accumbens, work with paying attention – and co-creating with yourself – the Sense of Relief. This is what your dear ANS is looking for because it equates RELIEF with SAFETY and SECURITY. 

How…?

PREFACE internal statements with the word and feeling, ‘Phew!’ and see what happens. 

Instead of ‘I’m running 20 mins late!’ say, ‘Phew, I have 10 mins to do the next thing!’

Use the word/feeling ‘Phew!’ to reinforce relief and reinforcement.

Yes

Phew, I’ve just done all that printing I was worried about…

Yes. 

Preface internal statements with the word and feeling, ‘Phew!’ and see what happens. 

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Private 7: Get that ‘rewarding’ feeling

So, dear Body, how are we feeling after working on ‘Always Tense’ for a bit?

Body: Learning to ‘complete the stress response cycle‘ has been a game-changer. We like it very much indeed. Thank you! 

Text and image on the book Burnout by Amelia and Emily Nagoski
Burnout by Amelia and Emily Nagoski

I know right?! Powerful stuff. And to do this stuff consciously, and watch the body respond in oxytocin/endorphin shifts, is pure magic. I feel like I’m developing the ability to engage in much more fulfilling and diverse days (out on the savanna, lion-wrestling) because my body now more-readily knows I’ll make it back to the village and the tribe and all will be safe.

Previously I’d thought of de-stressing activities as a kind of ‘nice to have’ addition, or ‘lifestyle choice’ – but overall, yet more ‘activities to force into the day’. Now I see that, if I tend towards completing the stress response cycle consciously each day (and in greater depth at weekends, and eg via TRE/breathing exercises), I’ll have my body’s trust and willingness to go back out on to the savanna to ‘play’ again the following day. Awesome.

Body: Recognising that the body and mind need conscious wavelength variation, escalation/de-escalation, ramping up/ramping down, is all part of the fun of being able to do the things that fulfil, nourish, excite and soothe. Like this:

Image result for wavelengths variation

Ah yes, and I’m also reminded of Paul Gilbert’s three Emotional Regulation Systems:

Paul Gilbert's Three Emotional Regulation Systems
Paul Gilbert’s Three Emotional Regulation Systems

When the Drive System and the Soothing System really commit to collaborating, they kind of learn to edge out the would-be-ever-dominant Threat System. Right?

Right. That’s a committed relationship required between the Drive and Soothing systems. Immense trust required between them. “I’ll do this for you, if you do this for me.”

Yeah! Because, although I long for relaxation/safety/losing weight/oxytocin/opiates (readily available via Soothing) it appears I crave the dopamine rush of the Drive System, which maybe is what stops me settling with ‘at-home/online’ work, for example? But hang on, what is this ‘nucleus accumbens‘ mentioned in the Drive system?

*Googles:nucleus accumbens*

CRUMBS, man! Why did I not know about the nucleus accumbens before?! It seems it may be key in understanding some of my major personal topics like depression, executive functioning, reward, motivation, Getting Stuff Done, addiction……

Some brief google results:

  • ‘There is accumulating evidence that the nucleus accumbens (NAc) plays an important role in the pathophysiology of depression. Given that clinical depression is marked by anhedonia (diminished interest or pleasure), dysfunction of the brain reward pathway has been suggested as contributing to the pathophysiology of depression.’ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2475798/
  •  ‘As a whole, the nucleus accumbens has a significant role in the cognitive processing of motivation, aversion, reward (i.e., incentive salience, pleasure, and positive reinforcement), and reinforcement learning (e.g., Pavlovian-instrumental transfer); hence, it has a significant role in addiction.’ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nucleus_accumbens
  • ‘The nucleus accumbens definitely plays a central role in the reward circuit. Its operation is based chiefly on two essential neurotransmitters: dopamine, which promotes desire, and serotonin, whose effects include satiety and inhibition.’ https://thebrain.mcgill.ca/flash/i/i_03/i_03_cr/i_03_cr_par/i_03_cr_par.html
I am excited to think more about my aversion/reward dichotomy! Reward. Reward. Reinforcement. Reward. This is good. Time to get up.
Get that ‘rewarding’ feeling

 

PS. This touches on compassion satisfaction too – the antidote to compassion fatigue. Important!!

PPS. I dreamt last night of finding a book in a bookshop and it was just like DoDs. It was stylised as FICTION and cutely illustrated with ink images of the ‘character’ and laid out in funky ways across the page. A thick-ish hardback: c365 pages = 1 a day / year in the life of this whimsical character rather like  a person I know… It was placed at eyeline level on one of those rotating display stands… because it was pretty. I took a copy and held it tight… “This!” I thought. “This is how DoDs needs to be.”

So are we thinking Adrian Mole, Bridget Jones..? Over to Ariel Compton?

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Private 6: Wait to see what others bring to the party

Last night, reading the Focusing book, I was working through some of the questions to put to the body to ‘open up the vast space’ of the body. One of the later questions was to enquire about the body’s background ‘always’ state – like ‘always tired’ or ‘always waiting for others’. I asked my body what its always state was and it replied immediately and with ringing clarity:

“Always tense.”

Aha… Well that’s useful information, but also disconcerting… ‘Always tense’ can not be good for my body or for my loved ones or for my clients or for my self. Can you help me open this topic up a little?

You could follow the Focusing protocol..

Ok… I’ll take the briefest notes of what I hear internally as I go.

  • Always tense
  • Always ferociously tense
  • Always ferociously attached
  • Always ferociously attached to outcome
  • As if grasping the outcome by the collars and squaring up to it. 

Isn’t this what they pay me for? To get the right outcome?

  • The magic is in the unplanned, co-created outcome. 
  • Can you be more playful? More trusting? More curious towards the new?

Do you mean ‘less controlling’?

  • More playful, trusting, curious towards the new.

Let God In vs Edge God Out (Ego)? Attachment to outcome arises from fear arises from ego, right?

  • If God is creation, source, fresh reality in time… then yes, ‘let God in’. The question is: Can you trust that all that arises is perfect? Because if you can, then you really can relax – and let that tense feeling go. If on the other hand ‘But what if..?’ drives your choices and your decisions, then you are more likely to be held in tension. Your field of options is so very much narrower. 

But I have to bring wisdom, discernment and intention! I can’t just turn up at a job and not hold the rudder in my hand!

  • Absolutely! But can you let the people you are with play with setting the direction and the course of travel? Can you let them choose the destination? 

Ah, interesting. I suppose in the training I’m doing today (for university lecturers) there are a couple of options in terms of outcome:

      • A) Everyone learns my content and arrives at my conclusions / learning outcomes and off I sally into the sunset (my usual single aim)
      • B) I bring some concepts, info and #TOOLS, and then some group consultation is done, facilitated by my asking some enquiring questions of the team, and the team comes to its own conclusions – which it is more likely to own, use and enjoy.

The bottom line is for me to turn up at these events saying: I have some pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and you have the others. I can’t wait to see what you bring. 

Beautiful.

I feel a shift in me. A little bit more relaxed. Less like I have to DO everything, and be responsible for EVERYTHING.

Remember how most of your best teaching arose from one simple stimulus and then stepping back to let the class be creative. Welcome back to this concept, and to trusting, trusting, trusting in the ‘outcome arising’, and to watching out for and warmly WELCOMING what the next person Brings to the Party.  Leaving space for the next person to contribute what is in them is the key to relaxing in to trust. 

I am one part of the jigsaw puzzle, and so are you and you and you. No one has to be in charge or control. We are co-creating together.

Body, what phrase sums all this up in the best way for you to feel less ‘always tense’ and more ‘always relaxed’?

  • Wait to see what others bring to the party

Spot on.

Wait to see what others bring to the party

*******

Man, this concept has been helpful. I’ve been feeling much less …urgent!! And therefore less tense. I’m more … watching, observing, receiving.

Also, I had this passing and so-significant thought one evening: ‘I don’t have to look after anyone‘. And I felt it in my body as a relaxing, down regulating gear change. This, I quickly noticed, was massive for me. It shows that the weight (carried since I was 21) of parenthood and ‘responsibility for looking after others’ is shifting. I hadn’t realised I’d been carrying it still, like Mother Courage without her children.

Also, it indicates to me that I am adjusting at last to my beautiful children growing up -and that the old grief around that has subsided? Things are in their natural state, and my children are independent. Whereas this felt like a bewildering blow for a while, suddenly, this week, in working on ‘always tense’, my children’s growing-up and becoming wondrously self-sufficient felt – I could glimpse it – like a reward for my parenting. It makes me very tender to say these things.

Love, love, love to you precious girls. May all blessings be upon you both and all that you do. Parenting you both has been the privilege and blessing of my lifetime. And now, we can all step into the next phase of this wonderful life, as three adults. Oh, my heart…

Let’s see what we each have to bring to the party. We’re all captains of our own ships now. How exciting.

*******

Last night I went to mid-winter gathering of some dozen truly magical women at a dear friend’s home. It was a ‘vegetarian bring and share’. Of course, that which everyone brought to the party made for the most amazing feast in which everything complemented everything and there was a perfect mix of savoury and puddings. If the host had tried to co-ordinate or direct us, it wouldn’t have been so easeful for her or for the guests… but the point is, she didn’t need to! Amen

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Private 5: Take 100 pebbles of love, and hand them out as messages today

Love Pebbles

It’s 12 Jan 2020. I hear today is a big day?

You could say that, if you wanted to be understated! 

What’s occurring?

Alignment, dear friend of our being. Alignment. Parallel lines switching and crossing like train tracks at an interchange. 

Take me – us! – with you on the peace train, dear angels of light! Carry us upwards. Hear our prayers, our yearnings. Make us of the lightness and loveliness! Tell me more.

Decades have passed since you began to awaken under your 11:11 prodding. The Dark Night of the Soul was e p i c in you! Well done. You survived, you thrived even. You waited, you walked, you cried, you healed, you implored, you pleaded, you thanked, you bore witnessed, you erred, you sought forgiveness, you showed mercy, you received the love of the Ages in your heart. This is a life lived in fullness. This is what we needed of you. 

It felt like I was burning karma bonfires every day for … a while. 25 years or so?

You were being ‘opened up’. You were in the safe hands of your teachers though. And they included your precious light-bringing children. Oh my! How they advanced your learning! Blessed be their precious gifting souls! 

And then they grew up and I wept…! I am hugely proud of them, thankful to them. May they be BLESSED by all angels; uplifted and carried in their lives by the highest love, the purest wisdom, the grandest JOY! May they live their life purposes with freedom, fulfilment and festivity!

Siempre. 

And today? As it happens, we have a family gathering here today.

Auspicious! 😉 

You knew!

Nothing is a coincidence. 

Help me set my heart aright today. I have Things To Do aplenty!

Relax. Take 100 pebbles and hand them out as messages today. 

Like as comms, emails, words…

Exactly. Each pebble is painted with a symbol of peace, unity, love and light [PULL]. No matter what you are talking about (yeah, do your tax return, lady!), we grant you the special privilege of handing out a PULL Pebble with every communication. Know and trust that your words, written or spoken, will carry a special vibration of PULL today. Go scatter with love and trust. 

Take 100 pebbles of love, and hand them out as messages today. 

 

 

Love Pebbles
Love Pebbles

PS: Somehow, this notion freed me up to do some really difficult comms – including my tax return nudging. And to approach my guests differently. Ty.

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Private 4: Where the mind goes the qi flows

Hello dear friend of my Heart and Soul.

We are your Heart and Soul. 

Ah! Excellent. Ty. I feel like we need to ‘pray just to make it today’. Our government is performing such darkness. Our planet is under such strain. The international field is at tipping point. May my being add unto peace today. Help me set my frequency for the day so that I may be effective and efficient, without either draining myself or throwing edgy, noisy, twangy vibes out in to my surroundings. May I be a source of peace unto myself and to my world.

***PrayerMed***

When we called you a sovereign being we opened up a new vein of thinking for you. It is ahead for the exploration and mining. Let this be a joyful process. It is no coincidence that you should be watching The Crown. HMQEII is an excellent model of sovereignty. 

I am learning from her… uprightness. It is like watching Downton Abbey again. The poise. The togetherness. I need a strong spine to get through these days.

A strong spine but also a calm interiorised mind. You know very well that as you look outwards, you start to drain energy outwards too. Where the mind goes the qi flows. You are invited to bring your attention inwards more and more. You have discovered a little bit about planned or conscious dissociation – not the unhealthy traumatised kind, but the healthy nurturing kind. Over time, you are going to learn to dissociate compassionately. In other words, you will learn to have full confidence in the healing capacity of yourself and your clients so that you no longer need to carry their burdens with you, or go out of your sustaining qi field in order to offer them support. 

This is exceptional. I note that I am asked to do training in all the topics I need to work on.

I think I might have stumbled upon a new potential branding yesterday. What do you think.

MOST EXCELLENT. This is all you have asked for and dreamed of. TAKE IT. Receive this wisdom now.