diet Archives - Page 5 of 11 - Dialogues of Discernment

2018-12-05

MEDS Day 62: Today I am soft-hearted (“Gently does it.”)

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Development of this site… as a resource for exploring, learning about and teaching ‘peace through dialogue’ – the plunge begins, gently, softly.
A mini-Download Hour – even 10:10:10 is so good! It’s the habit of getting up and out – the trot raises my heart rate to peak for a minute or so and that is such a kick start.
A new mediation case beginning successfully (initial meeting), and meeting a new co-mediator – such inspiring conversations with her.
Getting a new professional brochure drafted up – and reviewing the work of 2018 – amazing to look back!
Finding, gulp, I was featured in a national newspaper in Nov – an account of my mental health recovery and autism. We’re truly out there.
Shortness of sleep (!) – my new FitBit is showing me my patterns very starkly…! NB When I sleep little I put on weight – sleeping is slimming for me! (Catching incentives where you find them…)

Yesterday, listening softly to the whisperings of my heart was so moving. Funnily enough, it wasn’t so much that which was heard (though that was so beautiful, and wise), but the motion of softening to listen. Oh my goodness – how often I steel myself (from my heart outwards) to take the smallest action!! Every time I softened to lean in and listen, I got a bit wiser…! I realised that, by typically steeling my heart in order to do the smallest thing (write an email, go from room to room, meet people, talk to people…), I am by definition cutting myself off from the small, soft voice of wisdom, just when I need it most.

For example, I met an old colleague for a coffee yesterday. Mindful of the day’s theme, I decided to keep my heart (chest, inner state…) soft. I gently countered each habitual impulse to rally, over-exert, over-communicate, jazzhand, assure-him-of-my-enthusiastic-listening… The change in the quality of the conversation was extraordinary. I felt we actually communed. And guess what? I didn’t feel exhausted after the time together, as I usually would.

The same with the mediation meeting, and with debriefing with my co-mediator. And in feedback, my co-mediator mentioned that I had been a very calm, grounded presence. This is all so new, so subtle, such a discovery!

I had EXHAUSTED myself over the years! It’s the ‘girding the heart’ action that did it. Why could I not see it?!

And again, softly…

Ha! Yes… I keep running away from the oxygen tank and getting yanked back by the tube…

Softly… So… How can you cultivate this new ‘soft-heartedness’ today?

By maintaining consciousness of it? Ho-hum, I can feel the ‘clench’ setting in for the day already! How have I put up with this for so long?!

Ask the Heart…

Why did I make you clench every day, in order to get things done, dear Heart?

Heart: To protect yourself from my disappointing voice!

Excuse me?

Heart: Your Mind wanted you to be driven by power, excitement, drive, determination. But I as your Heart have more-or-less but one message, and it contravenes the agenda of your (somewhat frightened, scarcity-orientated) Mind: “Gently does it…”

Ah, and I ‘thought’ that if I take a ‘gently does it’ approach, nothing would get done…

Heart: And that you would sink without trace.

So I kept paddling.

Heart: You didn’t know that I was offering you a life-jacket, in which you could lie back and float comfortably in the water…

I kind of heard you, but I didn’t trust you. But you were patient, eh?

Heart: And my, weren’t you resistant? 🙂

So this clenching business I do. What does it feel like to you?

Heart: Like you’re putting your hand over my mouth, and yet shoving me forward, like a hostage-taker.

Eek. And yesterday, when I went softly, and I prioritised listening to you, and keeping the channel of communication open, how did it feel to you?

Heart: Like breathing again.

Aha. Ok. I’m sorry for the suffocation.

Heart: S’ok, pal!

So, today, I am going to seek to practice, maintain and learn about that soft-hearted state – and continue to reflect, softly, softly, on what happens when my day is based around keeping an ear out for your small, soft, wise, genius, kind voice.

Heart: Don’t forget, I am here for you.

Thank you! I will look to learn about what that means. Please teach me.

Soft blessings to all today. May the world enjoy more peace than ever before.

Heart: Soft-Heartedness suits you.

Thanks. 🙂 You too…

Remember today: “Gently does it…”

Today I am soft-hearted. (“Gently does it.”)

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	Nope…
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	Little bit
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	Nope…
Med minutes	10
Active minutes	40
Steps	7000
Food: veg and then potato delights!
Dry?	No
Screens off	12
In bed (with books..)	12
Hours slept (as per next morning)	7

***********

2018-12-042018-12-04

MEDS Day 61: Today I am listening softly for my heart’s whisperings

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Important conversations: clarity gained; balance reattained
Feeling of being supported, cared for/about, even in high flux moment
Huge lunch
Movements class

Briefly today, as I’m on my way out to mediate…

I loved the heart’s whisperings exercise. Repeat?

Absolutely. Your heart has much more to tell you. Listen softly.

Today I am listening *softly* for my heart’s whisperings

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	10:10:05
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	YES
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	No
Med minutes	10
Active minutes	73!
Steps	13700!
Food: muesli, celery, coffee, houmous, samosa,tea, V&T
Dry?	No
Screens off	12
In bed (with books..)	12
Hours slept (as per next morning)	6h3m

***********

2018-12-03

MEDS Day 60: Today I am listening for the whisperings of my heart

Listening to the Whisperings of the Heart DoD 20181202

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Beautiful insights and internal encouragement
The arrival of my new FitBit Charge 3!
Switch 202020 activities – with the FitBit buzzing the 20 min swap over.
Getting things done in the house
Consideration of ‘plunging’…
Doing the Download Hour – yes! It really hits the spot. I’m so glad to be developing a new habit, which I can take forward into my life… for free; without needing to go to class; at any time; which is heart-centred.

And today, I need a reminder… a nudge again… This mission, this plunge… Wherefore, whence, whither…?

The key instruction yesterday was to trust the heart. (“Trust me.”) So listen to the heart today. Align yourself with its voice. Accustom yourself to listening to its still, small voice… and pursuing its aims, rather than the clunking, loud instructions of the mind. Remember, yesterday taught that the mind seeks to serve itself; the heart seeks to serve others (or ‘the collective’). Learn to follow the yearnings of the heart, and the joyous, evolving space of the collective will become the playground of your days.

Lovely. I know my heart says, ‘teach peace’ and ‘teach peace through dialogue’. I’ll pick up those whisperings, and ‘plunge’ gently into the cracks and crevices therein.

‘Whisperings’. Good word. Listen for the whisperings of the heart today.

Ty. Onwards to do my Download Hour and have the day with my Love.

Today I am listening for the whisperings of my heart

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	Mini 10:10:10
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	No – Sunday..
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	Nope… :/
Med minutes	10
Active minutes	11 – trot
Steps	6600
Food eaten: 11am: Indian ready meal leftovers 5pm: Roast pork 9pm: V&DC and tunamayo snack..
Dry?	No
Screens off	12 🙁
In bed (with books..)	12 🙁
Hours slept (as per next morning)	5h59….

***********

2018-12-02

MEDS Day 59: Today I am preparing to plunge [key post]

https://www.etsy.com/in-en/listing/455641284/teach-peace-wood-sign-teach-peace

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Download Hour – yes, it really hits the spot… Downloading what? ‘The Frequency of Love’ – say what? Yes… We have to get both still and active for Love to rest and bloom in our systems.
Saying “My Time Is My Own” – the main upshot was that I felt permitted to do whatever I felt led and inclined to do. I stopped thinking: “This is fun… I should stop it, and do ‘work’.” Instead, I revelled in being my own boss, and in doing everything that arose for me to do across the day. I stopped feeling like the ‘horse with the slapped arse’, running according to another’s ‘urgent’ wishes. (There’s a history here…!)
Seeing some loved ones move into their new house in the evening, and celebrating with them.

What is the lesson for today? I’m receptive. Things are moving beautifully. Yet, there are still some things I’m not progressing, or on top of… Reorientate me, dear Soul. Remind me why I am here and what is important. Show me how to ‘Clear The Decks’. Settle me into the Work you would have me do.

***

Sweet. I felt inclined to go to YouTube, and this popped up almost immediately. Spot on. I love Collective Evolution – over the years their posts have provoked much thoughtful consideration in me. Here (20 seconds in), the founder, Joe mentions that using the Law of Attraction was behind much of the development of CE, but that crucially he was “tapping into ‘what is best for me and the collective and serving the collective’, not what was ‘best for just me’.” He asked, “How can I best serve? What is my role and how do I play within the collective and helping the collective move forward and evolve?” And then, “I would tap into that subtle energy, and I would pay attention to that subtle knowing… I would create what my heart knows what to do.. Not what your mind would say, “Yeah, I’d love to have that.” What if your heart would have something different? Your heart is a lot more ‘who you are’… If you heart wants this, and your soul is here for this, your soul’s going to put in barriers for what your mind is asking for..” Oh, I can’t transcribe it all. Listen to it if you like. It’s 3 mins.

Ok, so… Joe’s questions, to myself:

What is best for me, and the collective, and serving the collective? How can I best serve? What is my role and how do I play with the collective and helping the collective move forward and evolve?

Do you really want to know?

Yes, please. At a level I can understand, and crucially, act upon. Prayerfully, humbly, I call on highest knowing and intelligence to guide and reorientate me towards service to the collective.

Your heart is directed outwards.

Is that a good thing?

Your mind is directed inwards. Hence the ‘stand-off’.

What? Do you mean that my mind is kind of ‘selfish’ and my heart is less so, and that they are at odds with eachother in a kind of deadlocked negotiation?

Until your mind trusts your heart, you will move forward only incrementally.

Agh! Yes. I KNOW it to be true. I act in a careful, cautious, circumspect manner… ‘tempering’ heart and mind…

…and diluting the passion that is in you to come forward.

Crumbs. How do I overcome this? How do I encourage my mind to get behind my heart.

First you help your heart to articulate itself. Which you are doing right here. Well done.

Cool. Good. Then?

Then you take some bold, heart-led steps, acknowledging to your mind that it has issued warnings, and that a period of reflection will later ensue to see if its warnings were in fact vindicated.

The idea being that the heart will be proved right?

Always.

So, bold, heart-led steps such as…?

Why not ask your Heart?

Dear Heart, what would you have me do, be or say, in our mission to be of service to the collective and its beautiful, roller-coastering, unstoppable evolution?

Heart: Get a little bit quieter… So much talk and chat and banter and giving away energy to the ether.

That I did not expect to be your answer. It’s true. I put a lot of chat out there… It’s also how I think I will give myself financial security. It’s called networking, marketing, business development…

Heart: Only if your mission lies in the hands of another. Which it does not. No one’s does.

So..? What is this mission?

Heart: The author of the Starseeds book mentioned that there are two important strands of work: teaching and healing. You are called to teach.

I feel self-conscious now…

Heart: Yes, because your ego is interpreting this last statement as being some kind of promotion, or status-raising. It’s not. Everyone needs to get busy playing their part. Not to play one’s part is a dereliction of duty.

Oof. Ok. Teach what?

Heart: We’ve covered this before at length. Teach Peace.

We did cover this before in earlier dialogues. It’s true. (See 2017/8)

LeaRN &
TeacH
PeacE

Good. So back to basics, please. How?

Heart: By example.

Yikes. As in “I am at peace”?

Heart: Good. What is ‘peace’?

[Pause] Your question made me inclined to look up ‘Zen’ – yesterday I glimpsed somewhere a definition of Zen’s main tenet described as ‘non-being’. A quick google took me to https://zenpeacemakers.org/ Nice!

Heart: Dear Soul… you don’t need to join a group. But you can be inspired by it. What is your actual calling?

Dialogue. Dialogues of Discernment. I want to have dialogues, I want to encourage others to have dialogues. I want to capture dialogues. I want to raise people up and show/share their immense wisdom. So many people helped me recover my mental health in 2015-2018. I wanted to interview them, and put the dialogues out there. I wanted to learn how to make videos this quarter. I want to travel the world dialoguing. I want to show how we can all be happy, and resolve the most intractable difficulties, by wisely-held or wisely-guided conversations. I want to reveal how, when our hearts are focussed on unity, on love, on peace, on light… we can discern all things through dialogue, both between ourselves and others, and between ourselves and our own inner knowing, as we’re doing here. I want to encourage others to self-heal and self-care by dialoguing with their wisest selves and by trusting that open dialogue with another might just help. I want to support people to spring themselves from seemingly impossible stuckness by daring to dialogue. I want to find my own confidence to have and to hold those dialogues! I want to understand the technology to do this stuff! I want to travel and meet people. I want my Love to join me too, if he would like that. I want to feel in flow, in joy, in my salsa. I want to revel in friendship, and in the joy of bringing people’s brilliant, unheard voices to new ears. I want no longer to wait for the permission-giving of others. I want to be like the late Bernie Glassman, Co-Founder of Zen Peacemakers Intl , and ‘plunge‘:

One of Bernie Glassman’s favorite koans asks: Where do you step from the top of a 100-foot pole? His answer seemed to be: You plunge. (Ref)

Heart: Plunge, you say?! Off the 100-foot pole…?! What would that look like?

Setting up DoDs Ltd. A social enterprise. Mission: to teach peace through dialogue.

Heart: Do it. Anything else you need to know?

But…

Heart: You said ‘plunge’. Prepare for the sense of freefall. Just brace yourself for the feeling of it. Trust in the parachute.

“The plunges, as Glassman called them, served a spiritual purpose: to uproot preconditioned ideas, bear witness to what’s going on and serve those most in need. At a time when many American Buddhists preferred self-development to social engagement, Glassman dismissed “mannequin meditation” and carried his Zen practice from clean-aired monasteries to chaotic city streets, where he led weeklong retreats on sidewalks and in crowded parks. “Bernie was very clear that meditation was not a refuge from life,” said Roshi Eve Myonen Marko, Glassman’s third wife. “For him, meditation was total engagement.” (Ref)

So you can think of plunges as involving: uprooting old ideas, bearing witness, serving, and total engagement. This is good. This is good. Feel the fresh air in these thoughts.

Yes…. Ok… As long as there are no vanity projects in this initiative of mine… I’m done with that stuff.

Heart: The freefall of a true plunge knocks the vanity stuffing out of you. That’s what makes it so effective. Fear not. Embrace. Trust. Trust me.

Ok. I feel a bit faint… But not faint of heart. Faint of mind!

Heart: One day at a time. Prepare for the jump. Check the parachute. Gain altitude. Feel your feet on the 100-foot pole. Prepare to plunge.

Bless you, my dear Heart… You’re braver than I knew.

Today I am preparing to plunge

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here)
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	YES!
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	Til evening 🙂 – Sat
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	No – Sat
Med minutes	20
Aerobic minutes	48
Steps	7361
Food eaten: 9am Coffee & cream & honey 2pm Bacon, egg, peas, sauerkraut, mayo (no carb) 8pm Indian ready meals inc rice and 483 poppadums, Vodka & DC x2
Dry?	No
Screens off	/
In bed with books	12.20pm – 8.30
Hours slept (as per next morning)	6h50m

***********

2018-12-01

MEDS Day 58: Today I am saying “My time is my own”

I am grateful for the-day-before-yesterday’s….

joyous day of love, kindness, warmth
learning about ‘downloading the frequency of love’
thoughts about one’s ‘one purpose’ and being able to raise a high enough flag to be visible as one’s self
this revised version of the personal credo or one purpose:

“Everyone can be happy.

People, creativity and nature bring happiness.

And of all things that foster happiness, love comes first.”

And I am grateful for yesterday (no written post)…:

time with my Love
getting things done gently
pondering further on ‘downloading the frequency of love’
tidying up
planning for the getting things done by the end of the year (that wall-planner is working well)
watching The Minimalists documentary on Netflix – gorgeous! See https://www.theminimalists.com/
the realisation that, like author Dan Brown says, ‘moving from sleep-state to writing’ as swiftly/smoothly as possible is the best way for writing. I gave myself permission to fend off comms with the external world til 2pm on days when my time is my own. eg today.

So, dear Voice of Wisdom, in this beautiful, protected, post-sleep-state early morning time, please can we discuss this notion of ‘downloading the frequency of love’? What is it, and how does it fit with the MEDS Project? I’m conscious that I’m still working on understanding my physical health. My adrenal fatigue is much, much better and my spirits are high (I’m in love!) – but I need to build physical strength, I need to cleanse and detox further, I need to lay in the habits for a healthy middle age.

You ask the relationship between ‘downloading the frequency of love’ and building your physical health. They are intimately linked. The frequency of love is a frequency of light: it is a very high frequency, which in itself is cleansing, clearing, catalysing, creative. The cell structures are affirmed by this frequency; the energy system is reinforced and given the breath of life by this frequency. Why are you not doing qigong? Because you think it’s about getting a slimmer stomach… Because you do not yet understand that focussed qigong (as you practised last year) is the most direct way you can simultaneously download love and health into your system. If you understood the power of focussed, mindful qigong, you would dedicate time to it every day, gratefully, hungrily, delightedly.

Seriously..?

A ‘daily hour of downloading’ would change your life in one week:

20 mins of meditation
20 mins of trotting (fast walking or jogging) / trampolining / weights / yoga – whatever warms up the body and gives the heart a stir – an Aerobic Burst
20 mins of focussed qigong

Really? And in that order?

In that order. Yes.

‘Download Hour.’

If you like. It’s quicker than going to the gym, or a class. All it takes is your devoted commitment to its daily practice. Come. What. May. You watched The Minimalists – they look at what happens when you switch up life so you need to work less, and live more. You Have Done That. Your work precisely allows you to have mastery over your use of time, and to work intensively in bursts. Congratulations. Now, to learn to fill the time wisely. With dedication to your purpose: Love Comes First. This includes Love of your beautiful body, and awareness of the fact that as you absorb the frequencies of love, and light, you (all) bring greater Love into the planet. ie. It’s not about getting a flat stomach. Though, if that floats your boat, you get that too.

Lovely. And what about downloading the frequency of love and the theme of Diet? Brainmaker / Intermittent Fasting… What’s the score here?

Chop, chop, chop. Keep chopping the organic, green food, dear soul. Your body absorbs the love of the organically-grown green plant, with huge relish. When you are absorbing only lovingly-produced food, you need not worry so much about strict protocols of timing.

I see… And fasting though. That’s good, no? Gives the body a rest?

It does – when you are steady enough to fast. For now, look at the meals you cook, and refine them. Eat mindfully, gratefully, appreciatively, humbly. Imbibe the love. Think ‘plant-based’. Love your vegetables. (Not grains – vegetables and legumes) With a smattering of meat, oil and probiotics, vegetables are the basis of all you need.

Vegetables first. Vegetables first. Vegetables first. Organic. Crowding out the other stuff. Mindfully. Gratefully. Appreciatively. Humbly…

So, downloading the frequency of love into my body is achieved by:

Download Hour (Med / Aerobic Burst / Qigong)
Chop, chop, chop

That covers M. E. and D. And Sleep?

For Sleep: the 9pm screen curfew still stands, followed by ‘I am in bed with my (uplifting) books by 10pm’. This is the perfect prep for getting into a love-downloading dream state (for you, for now – it could be even better, but this will do beautifully for now).

Ok. So. In sum, downloading the frequency of love into my body can be achieved by this daily formula:

Download Hour (Med / Aerobic Burst / Qigong)
Chop, chop, chop
9pm screens-off and ‘In bed with my books by 10pm’

Would it be worth doing a spread sheet, or chart on the wall, for December? This would mirror the coloured boxes below, but give a clear indication of the build-up of good practice over days. Also, I really would like to invest in a Fit-Bit again, and map hours slept, and steps taken, and minutes of aerobic exercise… That works well for me.

Studying data on a wallchart in December will be effective.

And the FitBit.., Let’s do it today.

Once you’ve done the wallchart.

Ok. Time to get busy… I’ll be back…

********

…Wow… looking into my Google Drive for old wallchart templates… Do you remember the Tresiliance Project (link to template here) I designed for myself in 2014/15? Amazing…! I love it.

TRESILIANCE PRoject – daily pattern:

Trauma Release – 5am
Extreme Self-care – 6am
Into Limbo (getting mundane admin done, I recall) – 7.15 – 12pm
Invigorating Attention 12-5pm
Nurturing & Nourishing 5-8pm
Calming Exercise 8pm
Practise Reverence 9pm

I actually have so many templates for ordering daily life… Amazing. But this is just about tracking. Gently does it. Ok, a new wallchart…

Here we are:

I’ll print this and put it on my wall. That way, across December, I can track daily, both here on a per day view, and on my bedroom wall, on a per week view.

Thank you for this. Anything else today? Theme for today?

Say: “My time is my own”

Ooh… Crunchy. Yes… I’ve been so inclined to give it up, or rent it out, or sell it, or give it away… to feed others’ aims and purposes. I’ve felt that working is about ‘making yourself available’. I’ve been working on this.

My time is my own. And I can use it towards my own goals and aims. Which are…?

Financial security (for peace of mind and income as a marker of adding value to the planet)
Love Comes First (downloading the frequency of love)

Cool.

Today I am saying “My time is my own”, and using my time to support my goals of financial security and downloading the frequency of love. This is it. This is real. Life is short. No more time to pretend I don’t feel this way, or prioritise these themes.

Sing it, sister.

Today I am saying “My time is my own”

********************

MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here)
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med \| Aerobic \| Qigong	Yes
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	Mainly
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	No – Friday..?
Med minutes	20
Aerobic minutes	10
Steps	8400
Food eaten: Coffee & cream; muesli Peas, egg, bacon, mayo (keto :)) Fish & Chips (family treat) 2 x beer
Dry?	No
Screens off	1.15am
In bed with books	/
Hours slept (as per next morning)	7.5h

***********

2018-11-30

MEDS Day 57 (after 1wk break): Today & this year, I am downloading the frequency of love

Today is the 28th `Nov 2018, a special day for me. I’ve just had a week’s break from writing here, partly as it’s been busy, and partly as I felt I needed a reboot and consolidate the MEDS protocols.

I’d like to talk to the parts of me that might be resistant:

to clearing the decks, and
to developing the habits of maximised ‘human potential’

This is the Part of you that is resistant to ‘clearing the decks’:

“I am Conservative Clare. I would have things stay the same as I can’t trust you not to sweep away the things we actually need to survive. I watched you let our livelihood go, so many times! You are a self-sabotager, who slaps away the hand that feeds you, out of your ridiculous sense of guilt and low self-worth.”

Woah… Well, thanks for letting me know that CC. What do you need to have in place to be able to trust me to let go of the old? By which I mean, first off, to let go of the old clothes, furniture, books, papers, knicknacks, ornaments, archives etc that clutter up our space and mind?

Conservative Clare: I need you to put a flag in the sand which states your vision for yourself, and allows people to know where to find you for your services. You can’t chuck away the goods if you will never let people in to bring you new goodness.

Is this my ‘brochure’ that you are referring to?

CC: It’s more than that. You can’t be trusted to hand out or circulate your brochures. You hang on to them, like everything else. You are the hanger-on-er, not me.

I am the hanger-on-er? Why do I do that then? I thought you were the conservative one, resistant to change?

CC: I try to conserve a basic status quo in the face of your cowardice.

Easy tiger. I can see you are angry. What would you have me do then?

CC: Own your own entity.

But doing so has not necessarily been a ‘safe’ step in the past.

CC: Because you didn’t own it. You gave it away. Which is precisely why we have to stop you clearing the decks. You constantly chuck the precious baby out with the bathwater, because you don’t believe you are worthy to hold the precious baby.

OK, Conservative Clare. Thank you for letting me know why you do what you do. I appreciate that. I take on board what you are saying. I need my flag in the sand. On a high enough pole that people can see it.

Dear Heart. What do I need to know, feel or do to be able to define my flag and raise it above the parapet?

This is the part of you resistant to ‘developing the habits of maximised ‘human potential”…

“I am Damp Daphne… I am the part of you which would remain pliable and soft, like a [say it]… damp cloth. I can be used by others and that way I feel ‘servicial’. My utilitarianism makes me feel its ok to take up space and be present. I can be used for all kinds of purposes – other people’s purposes.”

This is horrid.. 🙁 Guys. Be nice.

Damp Daphne: I am extremely nice. So nice, that I am known for my agreeableness. I am super-obliging and helpful.

Ok, Damp Daphne. What do you need from me for you to feel comfortable to take a step back from my arena of life?

DD: You don’t need an all-purpose cloth, if you have but one purpose.

One purpose…

DD: Can you hear that…?

Yep…. ://

DD: “Ooh, heaven is a place on earth…”

Ok, I get it… Let’s get the lyrics up…

Ooh, baby, do you know what that’s worth?
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth
They say in heaven love comes first
We’ll make heaven a place on earth
Ooh, heaven is a place on earth

Heaven is a place on earth, Belinda Carlisle (1987)

I hear you. I know. I feel it too.

Time for a bit of meditation and prayer, dear soul.

Meditation and Prayer

Forgive me my sins, oh my God.

Forgiven. Calm down, slow down…

Recall, the days of your life which gave you wonder and joy. What was the common denominator?

People, creativity and nature.

Excellent. And what is your Personal Credo?

Everyone can be happy.

And what do they say about heaven?

Love comes first. 🙂

So, are you confident to hold up a flag that says this…? eg.:

“Love comes first – thanks to ‘people, creativity and nature’, everyone can be happy.”

No… Not quite. Are you coaching me?

Say it in your words.

“Everyone can be happy.

People, creativity and nature bring happiness.

And of all things that foster happiness, love comes first.”

There’s a last part to this though, isn’t there?

It’s the willingness to live by this credo, and share it, and teach it.

Don’t I?

Do you? What would today look like if ‘love came first’?

Is it about getting into the mode of ‘heaven is a place on earth’ according to our perception of such a notion?

Close. Very close. We are discerning heaven around us. Heaven is there; it is for us to bring it into focus.

Like the way a camera might stay in the same place but switch focus from foreground to background. Like, it might start focussed on a tiny piece of ‘scrap’ metal, and the camera pulls focus and you see the metal is part of an immense and beautiful iron sculpture.

Lovely.

So maybe, ‘love comes first’ is the larger fuller background. I get fixed on the scrap metal (tasks, work, emails..) forgetting the backdrop of it all: love. This is all about love. (Which I actually heard my Dad discuss…”Art is all about love relationships.” Mind-blowing.)

Beautiful. Yes, it is indeed ‘all for love’. So, as you settle the physiological ANS (autonomic nervous system) before you work, likewise you recall the backdrop of Love before you work.

How can I dedicate this year of my life to the notion of “They say in heaven love comes first; We’ll make heaven a place on earth”?

Softly. Just enjoy the remembrance of where you are. In heaven, there is nowhere to go, nothing to do. All simply is, and it is love. Recall the frequency of love. Can you download that frequency into your being?

Yes. Today, and this year, I am downloading the frequency of love. Thank you.

Today and this year, I am downloading the frequency of love

********************

MEDITATION? YES – 14 mins silent

EXERCISE? YES – walking round town on special day

#STEPS: 9253

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO

DRY today? NO…

Morning: coffee and cream

Lunch: GF pizza – amazing – and cider

Evening: V&DCokes, Indian restaurant

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO

Screens off: / Lights out: 12ish

Wake up the next day: Virtually no sleep! Total sleep: 3?

2018-11-28

MEDS Day 56: Today I am settling into ‘relaxed organisation’

Mindful Movement mediationMindful Movement mediation

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Productivity (emails, marketing, reading, prep) – albeit in bed all day with tiredness
The cancellation of my work capability assessment at the last minute – what a relief
Sense of colleagues in my work
Cottage Pie & online Scrabble <3
Watching ‘A Northern Soul‘ on BBC2

It’s been a roller-coaster of a few days. Where are we now?

Settle for a little bit… Go inside… Feel what’s there. Rest there for a bit. Retune, recalibrate, reconnect. What’s there?

Gosh. “DESIRE TO MOVE (FORWARD)” Really strong. Unexpected.

So, that Desire To Move is a manifestation of readiness brewed up over time. A sense of potential. A sense of engines revving. A sense of being ready for chocks away.

Well, that’s good, isn’t it? I really want to capitalise on what I’ve achieved this year. It’s been a full-on year. Huge achievements, surprises, gifts, opportunities. I’d like to streamline it. I’m ready to cease feeling tired, overwhelmed and confused. I’m ready to start feeling… yes, streamlined.

What do you need to do, be or have to feel streamlined?

Um… I think I need control over my own destiny a bit. Partly, I’m tired for working hard for not enough money. It’s not sustainable.

Is this about setting up an entity? (eg company)

I just don’t know, mate. I need guidance.

Guidance: ‘Clear the decks.’

This means: Radically simplify your life, surroundings, patterns, plans, expectations.

So, no plans for now. Just clear the decks. Radically simplify.

It’s fine to capitalise on this year. Capture it, but don’t let it lead to proliferation.

Proliferation – the spiralling out of endless new bespoke work etc…

That’s right. It’s time to ‘repeat the gaze’. In other words, narrow down the activity.

What does my best 2019 look like?

Slow down. First… clear the decks, capture/capitalise/close 2018.

Like winter drawing in. The leaves falling. The tree preparing to bear itself again. Ready for a fresh burst of leaves in the spring.

That’s the ticket.

How? How do I do that ppppuuuuussssssshhhhhhh? I’ve got a room to clear…. So many personal possessions to let go of… Decisions to make on what has had it’s time.

That’s right. Hold the vision and get very peaceful inside. Less pushing. More releasing gratefully. Many belongings and ideas have had their time. Let them go. Time for mediation…

MEDITATION

That was lovely. Really grounding and beautiful. It gave me the opportunity to work with ‘clear the decks’. I saw a mindmap on my wall of everything I’d like to do to bring ‘closure, celebration, capitalising..’ to 2018. I realised my underlying need is for ‘relaxed organisation‘. I must say, playing Switch20:20:20 is brilliant for this. These days sometimes I’m going for Switch20:40 – typically 20 minutes up and about in the body, and 40 mins of seated work. It breaks my ‘rabbit hole’ tendencies and supports me to plan and execute tasks in do-able chunks. So, ‘relaxed organisation’ is in the spirit of ‘inner softness is the precursor to inner strength. I realised in the mediation:

OLD ORGANISATION style: withdraw / hide / avoid… then put on a suit of armour, rev up the engines (fuelled by caffeine and sugar..) and attack the tsumani of overwhelm! Pppppuuuuuusssssshhhhhhhh!

NEW ORGANISATION style: settle the ANS; move into PSNS (parasympathetic nervous system); visualise the organised outcome; reach into inner softness; let inner strength start to make itself felt; move forward in a relaxed, trusting, gentle manner.

So, let’s wind up.

Action 1: Create the 2018 Clear The Decks Mindmap (Closure, Celebration, Capitalising)

Action 2: Settle into ‘relaxed organisation’

Today I am settling into ‘relaxed organisation’.

********************

MEDITATION? YES – 17 mins with Mindful Movement (above)

EXERCISE? YES / NO

#STEPS

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? YES / NO / NEARLY

DRY today? YES / NO

MORNING: My muesli,

EVENING:

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? YES / NO

Screens off: Lights out:

Wake up the next day: Total sleep:

2018-11-28

MEDS Day 55: Today I am fitter than before

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

Long walk in the sunshine with G
Huge lunch out
Peace, quiet, rest, revitalisation
Movements class
Not drinking at all 🙂

I was thinking yesterday about how, in our human society, when we are ‘reduced’ by poverty, challenges, circumstances, the effects of trauma… our voice becomes very small. When we finally get the strength to ask for what we want, although our request is by now urgent, in its meekness, it is drowned out by the chipper person next door blaring out their needs.

Compare the quiet voice of the homeless person on the street asking for change; and the multi-channel claxon hoot of the person wanting the council to mend the pothole which scuffed their car’s bumper.

In light of the UN report on UK poverty, which has been summarily dismissed by the government, I think it’s time we got better at hearing the voices of the meek.

Blessed are the meek…

Darn right.

My need at the moment is to build up physical strength. At this stage of life, at the end of each day, we are either fitter than we were, or less fit. There is no stasis. Got to keep moving. So help me…

Today I am fitter than before

********************

MEDITATION? NO

EXERCISE? NO! I couldn’t get out…! :///

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? NO

MORNING: Sausages&kale

EVENING: Cottage pie and broccoli, G&T

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO

Screens off: 11 Lights out: 11.10

Wake up the next day: 7am Total sleep: 8h! 🙂

2018-11-282018-11-28

MEDS Day 54: I am still practising Inner Softness

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

beautiful singing workshop – the learning, the sharing with friends, the music, the day with my Love
the closeness, the cosiness, the comfort of an evening together
watching some of the classic Sat night programmes plus…
watching The Bodyguard…

When practising Inner Softness, suddenly, as if by magic, I can visualise a softer future too. When I’m in a pinched state, I can only really picture a pinched future – which is then surely what I’m actively creating for myself…

I also realise this:

Inner Softness is the precursor to Inner Strength

As I soften inside, I open space, I become more aware of what’s going on inside me… And then I can find my core strength; I can drop anchor.

On other matters: The Bodyguard film. Oh. My. Word. Watching it again (from c15 mins in, to the end), I realise how very much it had ‘imprinted’ on me, not just in 1992 when it came out, but over the years that followed when the Bodyguard soundtrack was one of about 3 tapes I played on a loop in my car.

This is hard to convey, but I really realise now, how (as an impressionable, romantic and Aspie teenager) to a certain degree I absorbed and internalised what I can only describe as ‘expectations’ or ‘assumptions’ about how a relationship… no, be honest, how a man would behave towards a woman in a healthy relationship: noble, protective, grounded, self-disciplined… Those expectations were then confounded in my early adulthood – and I was so shocked, devastated, disorientated! I share this very much in the framework of my growing understanding of my Asperger’s – and the various ways I framed relationships, and representations of femininity and masculinity, against maps I had watched elsewhere. The other relationship map I had watched was my parents’. In sum, I brought to my relationships expectations which may or may not have figured in the least with the person I was with.

But here’s the thing. Startlingly, years down the line, I find myself in a beautiful, life-affirming, joyful relationship with someone who is indeed noble, protective, grounded, self-disciplined. Man alive, he even looks like Kevin Costner. But more handsome. I got this shock to my system, as I looked over at him, while the film rolled on. Like, somehow, the dream of my earlier years had played itself out, in and across time?

Why is this relevant? Because the ‘dream’ only began to fall into place as I learnt to master my inner state, my emotional patterns, my mental balance. I only met someone so kind and caring once I had committed to be kind and caring to myself.

********************

MEDITATION? NO

EXERCISE? YES! Great walk out from the town (2h) + Movements class (2h)

#STEPS – 13000!

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO

DRY today? YES! <3

11am Sausages&rice

5pm Roast lunch at carvery

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? YES / NO

Screens off: Lights out:

Wake up the next day: Total sleep:

2018-11-20

MEDS Day 53: Today I am practising Inner Softness

I am grateful for yesterday’s…

Extraordinary training delivery – on suicide prevention. Profound experience.
Completing the hardest week of the year, workwise – and feeling like I’ve ‘broken up’ for end of term
Huge, helpful, somatic-release cry… before a lovely, warming, heartening…
Evening out with my Love

Feeling still a little pinched today. The content of the last week’s training has been so hard, so intense, and the stories of suicide people shared yesterday really took the wind out of us all.

Remember that song… “Get up, get on up…”

Yes, I’m meant to be at a singing workshop… I’m 2 hours late. Here in my pjs.

It’s sunny outdoors. Not a day to be lingering in pjs, dear one.

Orientate me a bit. What have I learnt this week?

Revise this:

All dependency arises because the arrow of attention has been caught in the pendulum’s noose. In order to “come off the needle” you have to switch your attention to something else. Will power is rarely enough to free yourself from the noose in the same way that you can only get a song out of your head when you switch to a different tune. A harmful habit is as a rule accompanied by a specific script and set of scenery…. There is only one way to pay off all your debts and walk away from the grievous bank: change the script and scenery. If is not difficult to do, you just have to do it and then apply a little imagination.’ (Reality Transurfing p596)

“Change the script and scenery.” I could do that a little more… I’m really saddened by some of the words I’ve heard recently…

Focus only upon that which you would see more of.

Like… Peace, love, understanding.

For example. But even and also, the practical, pragmatic, tangible things… The real ‘scenery’:

the food you like to see (you’ve done some great healthy cooking this week)
the places you love to visit and feast your senses on
the people you admire and are inspired by
the tools you know provoke healing, learning, joy…

To what degree do your words (“script”) focus on illuminating that which your heart is uplifted by?

Remember that settling the system (ANS) allows us to steer our minds in the ‘towards’ direction, instead of being propelled in an ‘away-from’ manner.

I just read an article about MDMA therapy, for profound trauma release.

Your brain can make its own MDMA if you work with it, and not against it.

Meaning?

Be still, be gentle, be soft…

You keep saying that. What insight am I missing?

Softness is in inside job. You have held yourself rigid inside, to power though the ‘work ahead’. Let the softness return and you will free up your Inner Being to express itself and take the lead. Your Inner Being is ready to lead and to guide whenever you are prepared to let it. Softness is the key. (Don’t worry – not to be confused with apathy, nor laziness.) True inner softness is a discipline, requiring a strong, poised body; a clean, clear mind. Reach in for your inner softness; connect with your Inner Being and Knowing.

Today I am practising Inner Softness <3

********************

MEDITATION? NO

EXERCISE? NO

DIET – BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO

DRY today? NO

8.30am: Sausages & rice

1pm: Jacket potato, chilli, salad, tortilla chips, tea, cheesecake, biccies (Singing workshop delights!)

7pm: (At home) Lamb curry, rice, poppadoms, V&DietCoke

SLEEP – IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – Sat

Screens off: / Lights out: 12.30

Wake up the next day: 8 Total sleep: 7.5