Tag: Monday

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

• Important conversations: clarity gained; balance reattained
• Feeling of being supported, cared for/about, even in high flux moment
• Huge lunch
• Movements class

Briefly today, as I’m on my way out to mediate…

I loved the heart’s whisperings exercise. Repeat?

Absolutely. Your heart has much more to tell you. Listen softly. 

Today I am listening *softly* for my heart’s whisperings

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MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med | Aerobic | Qigong	10:10:05
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food	YES
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books	No
Med minutes	10
Active minutes	73!
Steps	13700!
Food: muesli, celery, coffee, houmous, samosa,tea, V&T
Dry?	No
Screens off	12
In bed (with books..)	12
Hours slept (as per next morning)	6h3m

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I am grateful for yesterday’s…

• QT & writing
• uncomfortable inner learning
• beautiful R&R with my Love

So it turns out, of course, that resting in the moment without escaperising it also means sitting with the discomfort that is arising for healing and deprogramming. Yesterday, after the peaceful morning, I found I felt terribly uncomfortable about my fortnight ahead, which is too full to be believed. To escaperise that discomfort would be to pour some time and energy into future worry and maybe some sneaky, undercover lamenting about other people’s role in my panic… However, sitting WITH my fear and frustration brought to mind the real lesson from the John Callaghan film about addiction/AA: personal responsibility.  If I feel fear and frustration, I am responsible for having got there. And, that also means, I can be gloriously responsible for getting myself out of it. The inner discomfort is a signal to reassert personal responsibility. And this, happily, leads us to the state of sovereignty (GSF) that we were after all along. Sounds good, but the journey yesterday was hard. Something helped though…

I came across a book called Self-Observation, by Red Hawk. He talks about the ‘Being shock’ we get when we observe ourselves with some truth (which you can only do in the moment, I guess), as we see how chaotic our thinking its. That ‘Being shock’ is of high value because it provokes the motivation we need to get into ‘Work mind’. Here, the Work is (I assume because of Red Hawk’s sources) as defined by Gurdjieff:

The effort that is put into practice Gurdjieff referred to as “The Work” or “Work on oneself”. According to Gurdjieff, “…Working on oneself is not so difficult as wishing to work, taking the decision.” Ref

This term ‘Work mind’ is helpful to me for two reasons:

1) I am seeking that more stable frame of mind where causing myself to do things like practise the MEDS protocols on a daily basis is not like trying to catch a ferret with a sock.

2) The ‘fear and frustration’ I experienced yesterday was about my professional work, and I am now eager to access frames of mind which allow me to be very efficient in my work, to reach my goals, to undertake work without exhausting myself (or others) and generally feel that I have a sustainable work-life.

Thoughts and guidance, please…

You can enjoy playing with ‘Work mind’. Remember to bring softness to it. This is merely a new avatar to play with: Work Mind [yourname]. Be grateful for the sense of stability it brings. You will get better at sensing when you are leaving ‘Work mind’ state: it feels like a ‘jack-in-the-box’ moment. 

I think I know what you mean: when I suddenly turn on the mental turbo chargers and go into overdrive, either with enthusiasm or anxiety.

That’s right. You will enjoy living without that feeling. It used to make you feel like you were ‘doing something’ to counter your perceived threats, when actually you were merely ‘escaperising’ the opportunity to Do The Work. 

Amygdala hijack used to feel like being alive.

The ‘jack-in-the-box’ is an entertaining toy…

So, stay in the box…?

Remain contained, observant, attentive to the aim at hand. Even when it feels uncomfortable, and you feel like fleeing the moment. 

When it feels uncomfortable, what should I do instead of fleeing / escaperising / jack-in-the-boxing?

Bring awareness to the feeling (that is a great success to start off with) and then recall that this feeling of discomfort is a (welcome-able) signal to do the Work (assert personal responsibility / sovereignty). You can imagine putting on your Work Mind hat.

And burn through…. ‘We can’t go over / round it. Oh no! We’ve got to go through it!’

Softly. Burn softly, dear heart. 

Got it. Softly does it. No ‘jack-in-the-boxing’. Thank you.

Today I am wearing my Work Mind hat (no ‘jack-in-the-boxing’)

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Meditation: 20 mins of MEDITATION? YES

Exercise: ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES  #STEPS: 11000 – walked instead of taking the tube

Diet: BRAIN-MAKER DIET?  NO DRY today? NO MORNING: My muesli, coffee, chicken, veg EVENING: GF pizza and beer in restaurant…

Sleep: IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO Screens off:     11.50     Lights out: 11.50 Wake up the next day:          6.30          Total sleep: c6h

Yesterday, in Sovereign mode, I found myself a great game to play. I called it Best Bit. It game out of discussing (with my partner) the factor of our choosing where we place our attention at any given moment. I recalled the story of Jesus and the dead dog with beautiful white teeth, told in Muslim texts:

‘Jesus and his disciples were walking down a narrow alley, and they came upon the body of a rotting dog. His disciples tried not to look at it as they passed, gagging and making comments of disgust. Jesus, however, knelt down and looked at the dog for a long moment. Then he said, “Praise be to God, it has such beautiful white teeth.” (Source of this account)

So the challenge is to ask ourselves, “Where are the ‘beautiful white teeth’ in this moment… and this… and this?” There will be some, somewhere, gleaming. Over the course of the evening, my game evolved into my using this phrase: “The best bit about this moment is….” 

• I’m sitting next to my beloved.
• I am listening to someone playing the piano, live in front of me.
• I don’t need to do anything at all.
• The silence.
• My beloved smells like ‘home’.
• The road ahead is completely clear.
• I accidentally left my bedroom heater on and now it’s cosy.

It gave me such a warm sense of wellbeing and abundance. It seemed to take me back to the state of childhood when the mind was somehow poised to anticipate the next delight… The ‘best bits’ of each moment seemed to glimmer gently and vie for my attention. I woke up in the night and, rather than letting the parade of ‘ugh’ thoughts shimmy past my consciousness, I turned to the same phrase: “The best bit about this moment is….I’m cosy in bed… I don’t have to get up for 4 hours… ” And then when I finally woke up for the day, I listed the Best Bits about the day ahead: “I’m seeing Dad today!”

Beautiful. Let this game (White Teeth; Best Bit) be your focus for today. To shine the headlamp of your attention on any matter is to invite its growth and proliferation. So, yes, aiming your headlamp consciously and wisely is about the best gift you can give yourself. 

They say where your attention goes energy flows… (example)

Exactly. So focussing on the Best Bit of your current reality is a perfect way to enhance the good that is already present. This is an excellent alternative to visioning the as-yet un-manifested elements of life, which can seem so far away we become tempted to strain for it (nb: letting go of straining). Spotting and growing the Best Bit about this moment (and this and this) is such a soft, playful game. An excellent way to hone our perspective.

Awesome.

Today I am playing the Best Bit game.

“The best bit about this moment is….”

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Later:

I’m realising, the Best Bit game is powerful, effective, welcome re-training for the brain which lived in amygdala hijack for some many years, and was constantly poised to spot the next threat. This game is the loving, playful antidote to cPTSD. I’m so glad and grateful to be at this point, and to have learnt all I have learnt to get here. I’m so glad to be getting accustomed to scanning the horizon for the glimmers and twinkles, instead of the red flags and sabre-toothed tigers. Yes! This realisation is the best bit of this moment!

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This Tara Brach meditation was perfect, especially starting with the inner smile. I am reminded (oh how forgetful we humans are!), that happiness and peace and wellbeing and satisfaction and fulfilment are very subtle states. You can’t bring the problem-smashing sledgehammer to the peace party. It don’t work that way. And to get to the subtle states, one must spend a lot of time in stillness… And, we most acutely spot the Best Bit of any moment in that same still, subtle state. We tend to glimpse and discern the very Best Bit out of the corner of our eye. ?

A surprising realisation: there is so much comfort to be drawn in the actuality of each moment. ❣️

Meditation: 20 mins of MEDITATION? YES – Tara Brach on Insight Timer app … and a talk by her. Deep, wise soul.

Exercise: ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? NO I drove to Oxford and back over the day, and didn’t factor exercise time in. I realise it might have been best to prioritise a mindful Exercise session of 20 mins over the 20 min Meditation on a day with long contemplative car drives.

Diet: BRAIN-MAKER DIET? SO NEARLY! DRY today? Y E S – I’m so pleased.  MORNING: My muesli, nuts, berocca. Lunch of ham, salad, frankfurter, pasta (little bit), cheese. 100% choc EVENING: chicken soup (from a pot) and sauerkraut. Excellent & light. Liquid supper is good, especially if eating late.

Sleep: IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – too wound up from lovely trip Screens off:     11     Lights out: 11.30 Wake up the next day:        7            Total sleep: 7.5h

Yesterday was curious. While I ‘walked towards my future’ (holding the future vision in mind), we actually ended up going out and visiting the village where I grew up. I hadn’t been for years. It was good to retrace the footsteps of a time of innocence. This resonates with the RT concept of returning to your past mentally, to catch glimpses of the times when you were on the easier timeline, as it were – before the pendulum swings of adversity and challenge booted you on to lower frequencies. In revisiting the places of earliest innocence, perhaps the memory of the original timeline is evoked, and can be summoned for the future.

And today, with present realities still playing out, I wake to the realisation that my dear, kind patient body is back in full-blown adrenal fatigue. How did it happen, even while I’m actually doing this MEDS Project?! I worked soooooo hard to overcome it in 2015-17. I overcame it, and was fit and healthy again! It takes MONTHS and YEARS to recover from. How come I am back here?

I reckon these were the causes of the renewed adrenal fatigue:

1. SLEEP: Not nailing the early bedtime. I know better. I need to nail being in bed by 10pm, with all screens off. It’s as simple as that. Without this, I can not hope to catch the melatonin window, and I actively summon a cortisol burst to keep me awake. It’s insanity.
2. DIET: Carbs, caffeine, alcohol. In 2017, I spent 11 months alcohol-free. It reduced carb intake and it massively improved by sleep. It stopped night time eating too. I also followed the brainmaker diet. Come on, dear soul. We know this stuff. I know it all wound up because of meeting my lovely partner, who (though he understands and has practised all these protocols) can get away without following them. And I have followed him – partly out of succumbing to temptation, partly not to be the party-pooper in the room. Time to stop, and develop the willpower of a fucking eagle. (It was hard enough keeping to protocols when my kids were in the house… but to be in a relationship with someone who can and will eat all the things that make me ill, is hard. But I’ve got special interest Aspie powers to call upon. And I will.
3. WORK/TIME MANAGEMENT: It has spiralled out of control again, and although I’m my own boss, I’m not a good MANAGER (of myself, my workflow, my business operations). I let things build up, and terrorise me. I allow my diary to fill with unnecessary and UNPAID busy work, that feeds others’ agendas, not mine. (Like speaking at conferences….without having a freaking brochure to pass to people!!! Come on, lady!)
4. WORK TYPE: I say yes to work that EXHAUSTS me. Why am I doing training sessions for 60 people? Last Friday’s training was completely exhausting! We did well, but the chaos levels of our client were off the scale. No wonder I’m adrenal-fatigued. The  way I got through the obstacle course of the training was to suck my adrenal glands dry. It will take me weeks to recover. I need to remember that I am in recovery!
5. EXERCISE: I’m not doing enough. Remember I used to walk an hour a day, and then do Qigong on a Tues, Yoga and Swimming on a Thursday? Well, that…
6. MEDITATION: Do I need to get some help resetting that? A meditation teacher is a basic need I should think….

So what are the solutions for this bout of adrenal fatigue?

1. SLEEP: In bed with my books by ten. (Books for reading, but also my work planner so it’s ready for the morning’s review). Change the box below – so it’s a target we either hit or we don’t. There’s a prize for hitting it 5 nights a week. (I think I need a running spreadsheet. I also need a Fitbit again….)
2. DIET: I need to define my diet again (somewhere between Brain-maker, GAPs and Adrenal Reset Diet (below). It needs to be manageable and resourced. Time for a Riverford box again? All I really need is organic veg and meat, and probiotics….
3. WORK/TIME MANAGEMENT:
4. 1. Start saying “no, thank you’ a lot more, to unpaid work, favours and jollies
5. 1. Set my ideal week in the Planner and work towards it doggedly, and lightly. 🙂
6. WORK TYPE: Focus on the mediation/dialogue work. Aim for 3 afternoon cases a week, on a Mon., Wed. and Fri. afternoon, by Skype, or at my office, or at local workplaces. Absolute priority this week: the new brochure. Not for jollies, but because my health depends upon. it.
7. EXERCISE: Block out time for exercise again…. This is a big one. I feel sad at how I let ‘work’ overrun my week again, when I know better.
8. MEDITATION: Look for classes. Oh my.

What about the money for this?

Focus on the 3 afternoon cases a week, dear friend of friends. 

I’m so grateful for the coaching you give me. What else do I need to know for today, dear soul of my being?

It’s all ok. There’s no need to rush or push anything. No one is waiting for you. Compose yourself. 

Yes! That. Ty.

Today I am composing myself.

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Meditation: 20 mins of MEDITATION?  NO – 5mins

Exercise: ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – walking

Diet: BRAIN-MAKER DIET? YES / NO / NEARLY MORNING: My muesli / Salmon + Quinoa + Kale salad from M&S EVENING: Home-cooked chicken drumsticks, sprouts, parsnips, potato faces, 2xG&T

Sleep: IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? YES!! / NO Screens off:  9.50pm        Lights out: 10.20pm Wake up the next day: 6.50am                    Total sleep: 8.5h! YES!

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Useful article: https://www.healthy-holistic-living.com/4-simple-steps-to-reversing-adrenal-burnout-includes-supplement-guide.html?utm_source=NM&utm_content=24889-HK9X