Tag: meditation

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MEDS Day 42: Today I am experiencing how easy my life is now

I am grateful for yesterday’s…

  • meditation
  • journey to London on the train
  • writing
  • accompaniment (remotely) by my Love
  • sense of ease….
  • free London hotel and train!
  • pizza and beer

My guided meditation from Insight Timer was brilliant yesterday. It gave me this rich phrase:

“Attend neutrally”

Out of meditating in that state, a new state arose as I got myself out of the house and off for my train trip to London. It went like this…

“My life is so easy these days…”

And I just kept riffing on that phrase internally, introducing it to various moments in my day: “It’s so easy to travel on this train. It’s so easy to walk instead of take the tube. I’ve had my train and hotel covered for me – my life is so easy these days….” And my goodness, the softening that is occurring in me. Just so nourishing. The resistance to life and ‘what is’ is fading away in me… The realisation of ease is dawning.

I’ll be brief today as I’m off to speak about my experience of mental health recovery at a big conference… Eek! Eeeeeeaaaaasssssyyyyyy does it.

Today I am experiencing how easy my life is these days.

********************

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? NO

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES

#STEPS : 10k – walk instead of tube

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today?  NO

MORNING: Hotel ham, egg, muesli, yoghurt; conference salmon & salad

EVENING: sausage roll canapes, power bowl at Burrito place, wine, pint of cider

Being a carb-dodger all my life is just going to have to become ingrained (forgive the pun) in me… I will eventually give in to this way of life and be pleased with it. Likewise, being an alcohol-dodger... that needs to settle in me when it can.

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – super wired by my day

Screens off:    1      Lights out: 1

Wake up the next day:       7             Total sleep: 6h
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MEDS Day 41: Today I am wearing my Work Mind hat (no ‘jack-in-the-boxing’)

I am grateful for yesterday’s…

  • QT & writing
  • uncomfortable inner learning
  • beautiful R&R with my Love

So it turns out, of course, that resting in the moment without escaperising it also means sitting with the discomfort that is arising for healing and deprogramming. Yesterday, after the peaceful morning, I found I felt terribly uncomfortable about my fortnight ahead, which is too full to be believed. To escaperise that discomfort would be to pour some time and energy into future worry and maybe some sneaky, undercover lamenting about other people’s role in my panic… However, sitting WITH my fear and frustration brought to mind the real lesson from the John Callaghan film about addiction/AA: personal responsibility.  If I feel fear and frustration, I am responsible for having got there. And, that also means, I can be gloriously responsible for getting myself out of it. The inner discomfort is a signal to reassert personal responsibility. And this, happily, leads us to the state of sovereignty (GSF) that we were after all along. Sounds good, but the journey yesterday was hard. Something helped though…

I came across a book called Self-Observation, by Red Hawk. He talks about the ‘Being shock’ we get when we observe ourselves with some truth (which you can only do in the moment, I guess), as we see how chaotic our thinking its. That ‘Being shock’ is of high value because it provokes the motivation we need to get into ‘Work mind’. Here, the Work is (I assume because of Red Hawk’s sources) as defined by Gurdjieff:

The effort that is put into practice Gurdjieff referred to as “The Work” or “Work on oneself”. According to Gurdjieff, “…Working on oneself is not so difficult as wishing to work, taking the decision.” Ref

This term ‘Work mind’ is helpful to me for two reasons:

1) I am seeking that more stable frame of mind where causing myself to do things like practise the MEDS protocols on a daily basis is not like trying to catch a ferret with a sock.

2) The ‘fear and frustration’ I experienced yesterday was about my professional work, and I am now eager to access frames of mind which allow me to be very efficient in my work, to reach my goals, to undertake work without exhausting myself (or others) and generally feel that I have a sustainable work-life.

Thoughts and guidance, please…

You can enjoy playing with ‘Work mind’. Remember to bring softness to it. This is merely a new avatar to play with: Work Mind [yourname]. Be grateful for the sense of stability it brings. You will get better at sensing when you are leaving ‘Work mind’ state: it feels like a ‘jack-in-the-box’ moment. 

I think I know what you mean: when I suddenly turn on the mental turbo chargers and go into overdrive, either with enthusiasm or anxiety.

That’s right. You will enjoy living without that feeling. It used to make you feel like you were ‘doing something’ to counter your perceived threats, when actually you were merely ‘escaperising’ the opportunity to Do The Work. 

Amygdala hijack used to feel like being alive.

The ‘jack-in-the-box’ is an entertaining toy…

So, stay in the box…?

Remain contained, observant, attentive to the aim at hand. Even when it feels uncomfortable, and you feel like fleeing the moment. 

When it feels uncomfortable, what should I do instead of fleeing / escaperising / jack-in-the-boxing?

Bring awareness to the feeling (that is a great success to start off with) and then recall that this feeling of discomfort is a (welcome-able) signal to do the Work (assert personal responsibility / sovereignty). You can imagine putting on your Work Mind hat.

And burn through…. ‘We can’t go over / round it. Oh no! We’ve got to go through it!’

Softly. Burn softly, dear heart. 

Got it. Softly does it. No ‘jack-in-the-boxing’. Thank you.

Today I am wearing my Work Mind hat (no ‘jack-in-the-boxing’)

********************

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES 

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES 

#STEPS: 11000 – walked instead of taking the tube

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET?  NO

DRY today? NO

MORNING: My muesli, coffee, chicken, veg

EVENING: GF pizza and beer in restaurant…

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO

Screens off:     11.50     Lights out: 11.50

Wake up the next day:          6.30          Total sleep: c6h

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MEDS Day 40: Today I am tapping into this moment (rather than escaperising it)

Day 40! They say that it takes 40 days of focus for a change to occur. What has changed, and what is still for changing?

‘Change’ is not necessarily the goal in this project. Increased ‘awareness’ is, however.

Ok, that’s helpful. So then, in what ways am I more ‘aware’ since I began the MEDS Project?

Have a look back…

Oh my W O R D. I’ve written so much!! Wow. Well. Here’s the theme arising for me, looking back on some of the posts….

There is so much good to tap into

In other words, whenever I stop straining / efforting / pushing&pulling, I am able to access an extraordinary well of goodness, peace, awe…. from right where I am.  If I can simply hold the awareness that the good stuff is right here right now, then I’m swimming in biscuits. It’s the ‘remembering’ business that is the key. Right?

Sounds about right, dear soul. How would you like to raise the bar on this ‘tapping into the good’ game? 

‘Raise the bar’ as in ‘do more of it’?

Augment the experience, make it more vivid… and hence more memorable. 

Well, I’ve loved the games I’ve played. The ‘Best Bit’ game last week or so was excellent. It’s about snapshotting the best of what’s there, I guess. Something else?

I also tried writing up my Gratitudes / Appreciations each evening, but often I’m too tired.

What about here, and in your new daytime notebook? 

Ah, if that’s not too tedious for people to read.

This exercise is not about entertainment. The work of mental retraining is detailed, ‘tedious’, disciplined… It’s ok to show that; it’s good to show ‘your workings’. Namaste, teacher. 

Ok. I’ll change the template for these posts.. How do I work this in with the MEDS, and why am I still not on top of all of the elements? What needs to happen?

What needs to happen is your celebration of the wonder and gift of meeting your MEDS goals, and understanding the role of the higher power in achieving them on any one day.

Really? Like AA?

Not far off. That’s why you watched the John Callaghan movie last night. As education, dear one. [Here’s the actual JC] 

What was the lesson? To join AA?

No, dear soul. To relax into the truth of what is. To speak your truth. To express yourself as a way of ‘staying alive’. To stop escaperising, ‘because you won’t get far on foot.’

Do I try to escaperise? (Nice word, btw)

Yes. Whenever you are not tapping into the good at hand right now, you are escaperising. 

It’s a mechanical habit.

Mechanical habits can be unlearnt. Softly, gently. 

Help me, please.

Of course. You are invited to meditate briefly. Let this idea roll about your inner space: I am tapping into the good. Remember our ‘tap root’ analogy (from It’s Radical Love). Let the tap root go deep. See you after….

***

So, I meditated in silence for (what turned out to be exactly) 20mins. This is how it went:

  1. I noticed I’d escaperised, and came back (to the moment, anchoring in breath)
  2. I noticed the urge to escaperise. I brought compassion to it, but didn’t follow it.
  3. Then I was able to stay a bit longer, with the breath – a certain stability started to arise
  4. I introduced the idea of tapping into the good… softly… Breathing started to feel good. I started trying to think about what I would write down… I returned to the moment.
  5. Strong feelings started to arise (frustration, rage, hate…) – I noticed the discomfort – I stayed
  6. The ‘purple’ visualisation arose… Nice.
  7. I heard noises upstairs… Time to come back? Opened eyes.

It’s all so very very subtle… And the urge to pop into duality is strong… ‘Tapping into the good‘ felt maybe a bit loaded..?

Only to the dualistic mind. Source knows only Good. And all the Good exists right here, right now, at the heart of this moment. Not elsewhere, or in the past/future, or in delay, or out there… Right here, right now, if you can but get still enough, and trusting enough, to tap into this moment itself.

Ok. I hear you. Thank you. So, today…

Your message for today is this: “Today I am tapping into this moment – rather than escaperising it, because in this moment is the Good to be found.”

Today I am tapping into this moment (rather than escaperising it)

********************

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES – silent

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – Movements

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? YES 🙂

  • Coffee
  • 2pm Roast beef, veg and potatoes, diet coke
  • 9.30pm: Snack – halloumi, guacamole, scratchings, licorice tea

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? Nearly

Screens off:    9.50pm      Lights out: 11pm

Wake up the next day (Mon):       7.15am             Total sleep: 8h 🙂
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MEDS Day 39: Today I am practising inner softness

What did I learn from my “Namaste, Teacher” exercise?:

  • I am prone to playing ‘innocent student’ to the ‘teacher-other’ in front of me – which is advantageous in that my learning is heightened, but perhaps creates a dynamic which is unhelpful for both…?
  • We are all actually eternal ‘teacher-students’
  • Real teachers fly ‘under the radar’ (and over the rainbow)
  • Teachers are humble / simple
  • LTB in Navigating Dimensions (p183)  writes (in caps!): IF YOU WISH TO LEARN (REMEMBER) BECOME A TEACHER
  • I understood my mind/ego wants to “exalt/demean” the teacher avatar (flick-flack nature of ego); my higher self, on the other hand, just wants to participate in the work of teaching/sharing/encouraging others, simply, humbly, quietly, under the radar

And today, a quiet weekend day with my Love, my inclination is simply to practice inner softness.

The visualisation I see is an image of gently adding feathers to my inner space, one by one, with the breath. I know my inner being’s natural state is softness. My intention for the day is to slough off some of the tension of the week, and return to the natural state.

Today I am practising inner softness

********************

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION?  NO…

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – 2h gentle walk in the valley with G

#STEPS: 8400

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? NO

MORNING: Coffee, Breakfast of Giants (sausages, rice, egg, bacon)

EVENING: Restaurant – Pork, Mash, Veg, Cider, Pork scratchings

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – late night Sat

Screens off:    n/a      Lights out: 12.30

Wake up the next day:         8.30           Total sleep: 8h
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MEDS Day 38: Today, I am embodying the ‘teacher’ & honouring the ‘teacher’ in others (“Namaste, Teacher”)

I am so grateful for the learning of yesterday. I set out to learn more about ’embodiment of new frequencies’. My oh my, my heart. Yes! This is indeed what the MEDS Project is all about and for. I am realising how I can no longer ‘intellectualise’ the thinking around this Earth’s, and all of our, evolution. If it’s happening, it’s happening through our physical vessels. It’s got to, as the key feature of this ‘Earth life’ experience our souls are having is… the physical plane. Our spiritual evolution as a species does not happen in spite of, or separately to, our physicality. It’s got to happen through it! (“We can’t go over it! We can’t go under it! Oh no, we’ve got to go through it!” Ref)

I recalled a video that came out a couple of days earlier (30 Oct 2018) which I had been looking forward to watching: ‘Collective kundalini, LightBody, Relationships’ by Lisa T Brown. It was the perfect thing to listen to as I went out to walk in the valley in the last of the afternoon sunshine. I took scribbled notes as I walked. Here is a summary of Lisa’s message, from my point of view:

  • We’re moving from ‘Linear’ 3D to Multidimensional 5D+
  • The dimension you’re in depends on your body
  • To change dimensions: elevate your consciousness and hold yourself in higher consciousness while your body’s rewrites itself through the activation of light codes
  • In the state of kundalini awakening, there is a constant energetic winding/spiralling up and down in the body – it’s clearing old emotions/programming so you can be ever more present to the moment
  • We can access  multiple-dimensions according to the amount of photonic light we hold
  • You have to purify your life, your ‘identities’ and your body, for the incorporation of sacred geometrics (which go to where the matrix programming lies)
  • First you expand consciousness right out of the body (might think you are going crazy) and then you pull it right back in ‘for the embodiment process‘. (Sound familiar?)
  • 5D life = ‘free inside’, new found freedom; playful inner child; sharing all your abilities; pure, simple, humble existence
  • How to get there? Integrate light 24/7; support your LightBody using natural resources; anchor new realities… or you’ll deplete your energy [aha, hence, fatigue!]
  • “If your LightBody isn’t your priority it’s a much more challenging process.“: only bring into your field that which uplifts/inspires you; talk to your LightBody; keep coming back to beautiful Zero Point (where you are everything & nothing)
  • You can see all challenging experiences energetically as the old unravelling and coming up for dissolving / resolution / transcendence / surrender of ego / letting go of old identities / clearing discordant energy from the body and cellular matter
  • Ego starts to shout, “Urgent! Help me! I can’t share or open up” – as it is invited to surrender. You’ll see this is yourself and in others
  • You can start to say ‘no’ to linear things which no longer serve you
  • The new is about: unity, respect, kindness, sharing, compassion, reciprocity, consortium, community, presence
  • “Unity consciousness is an energetic, quantum state of consciousness that you live from, and it’s going to replace our old. We relinquish our old. We trade realities.”
  • “The distortions {from across timelines} are held in the body. We clear them through the integration of light… through the LightBodies.”

Thanks LTB. Awesome. So…Maybe the MEDS are actually all about the embodiment of light:

  • Meditation: visualisations of light
  • Exercise (or Embodiment): walking in sunlight; qigong
  • Diet: light-filled. sun-filled organic green veg; grass-fed, free-range meat
  • Sleep: follow/honour the sun’s cycles; integrate the daylight; replenish at night

Anyway, what is the LightBody and what is Photonic Light? Scope for further study here.

After all that thinking and studying, I turned to my work. Often I dread turning to my work…. But suddenly I had an insight. Maybe our work is just about earning and paying our Earth Dues as a soul on the physical plane. I can potentially see my training work as being ‘teaching’, and as ‘dues/return’ for the incredible learning I receive from so many sources. Accounts of the afterlife talk so much about souls mentoring each other – no ‘specialness’ attached to it, or guru-ing – it’s just part of how we grow collectively.

Sometimes I feel I want to be ‘unavailable’ – I feel that’s when I’m LEARNING intensively.

Maybe my conscious ‘available’ state is… rather than completely open doors and ‘here take my energy’ as I often make it feel… instead, it’s about being in TEACHING mode… I’ve recoiled from Teacher Avatar because I hung so much ego on it. But I’m learning through people like Lisa TB, and other incredible teachers in my life, that this world needs us all to teach what we know. So no big deal, it’s just about paying our rent on earth… Relax, but take it seriously.. no?

Yes. Good work, dear soul. Today is about activating, and embodying, the ‘teacher’ avatar.

I could weep… You know… There’s so much sadness there… around teaching.

Be at peace. The distortions are worked out through the embodiment process. Embody the teacher. 

Ok… Thank you. I will undertake this, whatever it means. Pray for me.

You can pray for yourself too, dear one. Remember, it’s as simple as that. 

I pray for myself then. And for us all. May we alllllll become the teachers of that which we know! Amen.

Today, I am embodying the ‘teacher’ & honouring the ‘teacher’ in others (“Namaste, Teacher” – the teacher in me honours the teacher in you.)

 

********************

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? NO – left it too late… 🙁

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – walking in and out of town for work STEPS: 8k

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NO

DRY today? NO

MORNING: My muesli, GF toast & butter, Pret chicken soup, Kale crisps

EVENING: Cider, Pringles (handful), Indian restaurant..

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO

Screens off:   n/a       Lights out: 11.30pm

Wake up the next day:        10am            Total sleep: 10h!

 

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MEDS Day 37: Today I am embodying new frequencies

‘Activating avatars’ is a fascinating concept and I loved working with it yesterday. In the end, there was just one avatar that arose for me, and it turned out to be ‘Warrior’. I’m a bit bashful about writing the word, I notice… maybe because it feels so unlike the peaceful (‘agreeable’) persona I tout for myself?! However, yesterday was about bouncing back from the stalky harassment texts I had received, in the shields-up spirit of “Defence against the dark arts, Harry”; and going for a blood test to check on my health data; and getting professional work done (working along a cherished work-buddy (LV)); and enjoying Dia de Muertos with my family… Damn right that Warrior {My Name} should download herself!

As Warrior {My Name}  I felt the sensation of the straightening of my spine; the defending of my auric field; the projection of strong yet loving energy outward; the clear aim to work expediently (with the end in view) without allowing disruption, distraction, deviation. And… remarkably… I felt others responding to my state. Let me just let myself let that sink in… Yes. At the co-working office, people backed away from distracting me; people recalibrated to my state…. It wasn’t like they stepped back because ‘they could see me frantically trying to focus’ – as I’ve always hoped would be the effect of my furrowed brow. No! “Frantically trying to focus’ is a state that actually, I realise, attracts the ‘attention-seeking butterflies’. Wow. It really is our inside that that counts. 

So if yesterday was about activating the avatar ‘Warrior Me’, what avatar shall we activate today?

How did you access and download the ‘Warrior’ avatar?

Through doing a few minutes of kneeling prayer, qigong, and energetic alignment exercises.

There you go. The learning here is that the activation of new states is (especially for you) a kinaesthetic process, rather than an intellectual, static, thought-based one. Remember: this avatar-activation work is about the embodiment of new frequencies, new frequencies which are seeking to anchor on earth via such receptive souls as are committed enough to doing the requisite energetic protection work to make such frequency-downloading safe. 

Oh Lordy. Can’t believe I’m writing this… Deep breaths. Yes. Thank you. I hear you. This is it, indeed.

And this explains to you why you are actually undertaking the MEDS Project: so that your mind and body state can be brought sufficiently in to alignment, stability and attunement that the human vessel is fit to do the frequency-embodiment work at hand. 

Woah. Really?! It’s not just about weight-loss, clothes fitting, professional credibility, and being well enough to work and live happily…?

Is that what you had thought?

Not really. It just felt like I needed to get on top of my health, to be able to function better in the world: work full-time; be a loving partner and family member; enjoy some travel and adventure.

And all of that is true. Your happiness and joyfulness and inner peace is exactly resonant with the ‘new’ frequency which we are promulgating on the planet. How you get there, and how you learn to embody that frequency, is part of the fun. As your mother always said, “It’s got to be fun.” Why? Creation is awe-inspiring. You know you’re truly creating (which is the key activity, trait and aspect of The Creator) when you feel lightness / tickled / joy-pride-awe. We are teaching you to spin the plates of happiness and be joyfully, laughingly occupied with keeping them spinning. This is the fun of creation. This is the path to, and from, peace. This is the high-frequency state of healing, growth and completion. 

Completion? Does creativity or creation ever complete itself?

The answer to that depends whether you ‘believe’ in linear time. If there is only ‘now’, glorious completion is all there is. The illusion of linear time is a gift of consciousness which precisely allows you to experience the delicious sensation of unfurling, blossoming, growing, bringing-into-being, ‘creating’…

‘Be still and know that you are God.’ We are all creators creating, so that we can know our divine essence, right? Or so that the divine can know itself?

If you like. Need there be a ‘so that’? (‘O reason not the need’…) You can apply logic and reasoning, but equally, you are invited to revel in the unfathomable unreasonableness of creation, and flow with it, wide-eyed and astonished by where it takes you next.

So who does the creating… ‘Creation’ or my creative mind?

Need there be a creator/created duality? 

Ooooooh…. Ha. You’re good. I’m getting it. Unstick the mind, which is obsessed by seeking to impose a logic of A + B = C. And just let A B C fill us with joy. Something like that?

Something like that. Enough for today?

Yes. Awesome. Um, theme for the day? Something more on activating avatars maybe, after doing another ‘few minutes of kneeling prayer, qigong, and energetic alignment exercises’ perhaps?

Lovely. Today is about embodiment. It’s about getting into the body. And anchoring new frequencies.

I’ve got a lot of seated computer work to do today…

All the more appealing then. 

Argh… Ok. Thank you. Warrior Me can do this.

Today I am embodying new frequencies.

********************

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES 

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – walking in sunshine

#STEPS 

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? NO

MORNING: coffee with cream and half tsp honey, muesli, parsnip soup, steamed green veg, cheese, mayo

EVENING: veg, soup, chicken breast, G&T

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – got rather carried away online

Screens off:    12      Lights out: 12

Wake up the next day:           7.30         Total sleep: 7.5h
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MEDS Day 36: Today I am activating avatars

I sometimes feel that when I draw myself up to really move forward (and act expediently), I attract the most out-there balancing (or draining) forces… So yesterday, I spent the rest of the morning drawing up a wall of posters about connecting with those 12 Cherished Clients. It was brilliant and I felt so positive and clear and uplifted. I came back to my room from getting some lunch, and picked up my phone (to google the lyrics for Hey Jude – specifically I wanted the phrase, ‘Take a sad song and make it better’ which had been playing in my head around the theme of the conflict resolution work…) I was on a positive roll, with the End In View. There, on my phone, were two really unpleasant and intimidating messages from a person who had found my number and originally messaged me in a seemingly concerned and friendly manner after my TV appearance earlier in the month. It completely threw me. I could go into it all now, but this person took enough of my valuable energy yesterday (and during the night). So, no. Not now.

After an afternoon of crying, lamenting and seeking advice from the national stalking helpine etc, I spent some time listening to Laura Eisenhower last night, and on her advice around grounding, rooting and anchoring ourselves, using our creativity and unique voice, and holding ourselves in our sovereignty, in order that we might (safely and effectively) participate in the work of bringing forward unity consciousness. I do feel that I do need to learn/assimilate really good grounding and energetic protection techniques. I’ve studied this over the years and go in waves of practising it… I don’t find it an enjoyable use of time, like some might do…. But that’s probably because I haven’t been tuned in enough to what it actually does. I’ve always wanted to believe we live in a benign world. And that may well be true – as long as you go along with the terms of quarantine. But maybe we can’t participate in the unfolding of the peaceful new without attracting the attention, dismay and disruptive intervention of the old. 

I liked the ideas I mulled over yesterday, about our simply picking certain versions of our self out of the unified field with our thoughts. If you can imagine it, it is activated, right? The guy behind the nasty messages actively tried to trigger certain self-images… quite powerfully. Interesting. But we have choice. We can pick out and activate any image/version of our self from the quantum, zero-point, timeless universe, and bring it in to the Now, right?

Any. Version. You. Like. 

Cool. I thought so. How?

Remember that game you so enjoy: ‘Acting As If’? But this time it’s, in a sense, ‘Being As If’. You select the positive state you wish to play with, and you download it in to your operating system for a while. You affirm this with internal statements using your name.

An example would be: “I am ATHLETE [your name]” – and you can just be that person for a while. Then another positive state will come to mind, and you ‘download’ that new one, maybe with an anchoring gesture… and make your new statement. eg “I am ACHIEVER / HEALER / COMEDIAN / ANGEL / DANCER / BIG-HEARTED / PEACEMAKER / ENERGISED [your name]” It should feel flowing and fun. In these exercises, you are disrupting the old sleeping versions of yourself, as much as integrating new potential versions of you. 

We call these various self-versions ‘avatars’. 

Let me check an online definition of ‘avatar’:

“Generally speaking, an avatar is the embodiment of a person or idea. However, in the computer world, an avatar specifically refers to a character that represents an online user.” (Ref) 

Interesting…! Especially in terms of my thinking about notions of our played-out life being akin to playing a character in an online game… And yes, the embodiment of IDEAS. I shall play this game today… It’s Dia de Muertos too, so I shall also play PSYCHOPOMP [my name]. This game is about exercising my will. I like it. My anchoring gesture will be: hands on heart, to receive the download.

Keep grounded, anchored and rooted above all else. This is not about floating away in imagination. It is precisely about the embodiment of chosen states. Think more of ‘activating’ the avatars, than playing them. This is not ‘acting’ any more. This is about inhabiting your higher frequency personhood.

Excuse me?

Blessed are the cheesemakers… 

Ok. I hear you. May we all be blessed, may we all be protected, may we all inhabit our highest frequency, and may we all gently learn how this all works.

Today I am activating avatars.

********************

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? No – maybe 10, of grounding / prayer

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – gentle walking to/from work

#STEPS: 6500

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? NO – one lager tinny

MORNING: My muesli, probiotic, iron/vit c supplement, quorn stew

EVENING: Mexican feast for Dia de Muertos – chicken, tortillas (GF but carby), guac, pico de gallo, black beans, non-diary ice cream (sugar)

I want to report on my gut health… I’ve been taking probiotics and vitamins for a week or so now, and really cutting down on the carbs (which exacerbate gut candida)… and suddenly in the last couple of days (after my period and a bad cold), my gut is starting to… purge. It’s like it’s really functioning better and managing to clear my system more thoroughly. I’m feeling less bloated, and I’ve maybe lost a couple of pounds of weight. I can see that, if I start to add proper exercise, and master my sleep, I could really get energy back again. I need to remember that the gut is the key to my wellbeing.

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – got home late from lovely Dia de Muertos evening… abit revved up

Screens off:     1am     Lights out: 1am

Wake up the next day:            7.30am        Total sleep: 6.5h.
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MEDS Day 35: Today I am acting expediently, with the end in view

The Best Bit about playing the Best Bit game was the sheer inner relaxation it brought. I learnt that in each moment, often the Best Bit is exquisitely sensory and physical:

  • the warmth and cosiness inside the car
  • the feeling of my scarf across my lip
  • the sight of the clouds across the blue sky
  • the twinkle of autumnal leaves gleaming in the sun
  • the softness of my jacket on my arm
  • the stillness in me
  • the peace and quiet
  • the sound of my father’s voice
  • the feeling of my father’s jumper as I put my hand on his shoulder as I pass him by
  • the sight of my father and step-mother taking each other’s hands so lovingly

In contrast, the Past/Future Thinking of the Problem Factory (brain) is often enervating and aggravating. It is always pointing to something tantalisingly out there and untouchable… unless one consciously brings the thought so close to home that the body can feel it. Naturally, this is commonly done with anxiety-inducing thoughts. How well can we do this physicalisation and embodiment with positive, heart-opening thoughts? Not so easy.

But the present moment has so many soft and comforting and immediate gifts to soak up. Once our mind gets behind the concept of the Best Bit game and throws itself in to scanning the scene for the most warming, inner-smile inducing aspect, then we are away!

The Best Bit of this moment is: I’m comfy in bed writing this and all is well. Ahhh… Breathe out. Absorb that knowing… Relaxing, eh?

So today…. Best Bits ahoy…

Yes, what will be the Best Bits of your day ahead?

*Arghh..gurgle…recoil…reel…* Ehem, let me collect myself. Can you spot my anxiety about the Stuff To Be Done? I enjoyed playing Best Bit across a day in which I went to visit my parents, and help out a bit… Most of it was spent in the car. I’d rented out my will to others, in a lovely, gentle way. It was nice to be helpful and involved. We sorted out family photos. What bliss. But a day where I am back to single-handedly steering the catamaran across the ocean… I almost fall over with anxiety. The list is so long. I am so resistant… PDA… Dodging bullets… Unanswered messages…

Stop there. It’s ok. It’s all ok. You are heard. It’s all ok. Be still, soft and gentle to yourself again. Take yourself in hand and reassure yourself. We shall make a plan. 

Breathe in…. out…. Yes please. I’m ready to move forward….

We’re looking at a longer term plan than this day or week. Is that ok?

If you think I’ll stick to it.

It’s going to be simple. It’s going to set you up for the best 2019 you could (or literally, ‘can’) dream of. It’s not about pressure. It’s about placing your Scrabble tiles on the Triple Word squares… Not out of greed, avarice, covetousness, dear soul. But out of expediency. 

Let’s revise that word…

Expediency: the quality or state of being suited to the end in view (Ref) 

Expedient: a means of achieving a particular end (Ref) 

Synonyms: advisability, advisableness, desirability, desirableness, expedience, judiciousness,prudence, wisdom 

Actions that are ‘suited to the end in view’. I like that.

What is ‘the end in view’ for you at the moment? 

A healthy, happy, helpful working life, I reckon. Yes, that’s what I want, to feel like my working life is ‘health, happy and helpful’. I like that. And I’ll know if it’s working for me and for others, because if it is, it will support me comfortably…

Hm… Why do I still retract internally (very subtly) at the prospect of ‘comfortably’ supporting myself? Please. Help me with this. It’s got to be healed. Why am I afraid to feel comfortable and safe?!

There’s a hesitancy to live fully and take your place on Earth. 

Why?

Karmic trails… 

How to heal them?

Trust. In this life you shall learn about ‘trust’. 

Hm. That’s for sure. What is the next step?

To trust that placing your tile on the Triple Word score square will not bring you down or decimate you, dear being of love. To trust that the universe truly does have your back. 

Like my [partner] does.

YES. 

Ty. So to act expediently means to act with the end in mind, or in view… maybe view is better, less foggy, more sensory. Ah, yes, ‘a state suited to the end in view’… ‘ a means of achieving a particular end.’ It’s ok to go for the healthy, happy, helpful worklife… It’s ok to go for the Triple Word score squares…

The game of Scrabble is precisely all about going for the Triple Word score squares. Dear heart, you can’t offer 3 point words, while withholding your Z, J and X, and hope to have a good feeling as you play. It’s no fun for your playing partner either. Trust that information. Now, pray, mediate, and then write the phrase for the day. You are loved. 

[MED – Glenn Harrold – Mindfulness for Releasing Anxiety – Insight Timer]

OK. That was lovely and clarifying. This is what I think:

The end in view: health, happy, helpful worklife, which supports me comfortably

The links in the chain between ‘here’ and the end in view:  to settle down with 12 Cherished Clients (my 12 Triple Word score squares – because they are big enough orgs to be repeat clients), with whom I build a trusting 2-way, long-term relationship, and can become part of their communities.

The expedient next steps towards the end in view:

  1. to produce the materials I want the 12 Cherished Clients to keep on their wall for when they need me
  2. to map out who the 12 Cherished Clients are, and what they need from me, and meet them
  3. to plot my steps of connection with them (eg offering the lunchtime trainings)

Lovely. Excellent work. By when?

End of 2018.

Perfect. You’ll need a big piece of paper. 

Good. I shall get one.  Ty for this, dear part of me which knows and cares and takes care of me. I am learning to trust you and it all. Amen.

Today I am acting expediently, with the end in view

And ‘the end’ (goal) is a healthy, happy, helpful work-life, via 12 Cherished Clients (triple word score squares). All is well. 

Later:

The Scrabble analogy is so good. Look at how tightly we play now.

Here are the guidelines I think we play Scrabble by now:

  1. Build on others’ letters as much as possible, rather than play a new word, because in making a longer word out of a shorter word, you reclaim their points too. You get more bang for your buck out of each letter tile you place. In other words: focus on building on the achievements of others (respectfully – ‘shoulders of giants’) and stop trying to show-off your unique individual prowess with something new and isolated.
  2. Aim for the score-boosting squares as an absolute priority, rather than accidentally/inadvertently stumbling on them along the way. In other words: the landscape is laden with helpful stepping stones – hop on them gratefully!

********************

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES 

Glenn Harrold – Mindfulness for Releasing Anxiety – Insight Timer – 23 mins

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? NO… none.. 🙁 Such a missed opportunity

#STEPS : 500?

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY

DRY today? NO

MORNING: Scrambled eggs; parsnip soup with an egg

EVENING: cod, tomatoes, peas, a few chips

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO

Screens off:    12.45am      Lights out: 12.45am

Wake up the next day:       9am             Total sleep: awake a lot in the night with anxiety…
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MEDS Day 34: Today I am playing the Best Bit game

Tara Brach

Yesterday, in Sovereign mode, I found myself a great game to play. I called it Best Bit. It game out of discussing (with my partner) the factor of our choosing where we place our attention at any given moment. I recalled the story of Jesus and the dead dog with beautiful white teeth, told in Muslim texts:

‘Jesus and his disciples were walking down a narrow alley, and they came upon the body of a rotting dog. His disciples tried not to look at it as they passed, gagging and making comments of disgust. Jesus, however, knelt down and looked at the dog for a long moment. Then he said, “Praise be to God, it has such beautiful white teeth.” (Source of this account)

So the challenge is to ask ourselves, “Where are the ‘beautiful white teeth’ in this moment… and this… and this?” There will be some, somewhere, gleaming. Over the course of the evening, my game evolved into my using this phrase: “The best bit about this moment is….” 

  • I’m sitting next to my beloved.
  • I am listening to someone playing the piano, live in front of me.
  • I don’t need to do anything at all.
  • The silence.
  • My beloved smells like ‘home’.
  • The road ahead is completely clear.
  • I accidentally left my bedroom heater on and now it’s cosy.

It gave me such a warm sense of wellbeing and abundance. It seemed to take me back to the state of childhood when the mind was somehow poised to anticipate the next delight… The ‘best bits’ of each moment seemed to glimmer gently and vie for my attention. I woke up in the night and, rather than letting the parade of ‘ugh’ thoughts shimmy past my consciousness, I turned to the same phrase: “The best bit about this moment is….I’m cosy in bed… I don’t have to get up for 4 hours… ” And then when I finally woke up for the day, I listed the Best Bits about the day ahead: “I’m seeing Dad today!”

Beautiful. Let this game (White Teeth; Best Bit) be your focus for today. To shine the headlamp of your attention on any matter is to invite its growth and proliferation. So, yes, aiming your headlamp consciously and wisely is about the best gift you can give yourself. 

They say where your attention goes energy flows… (example)

Exactly. So focussing on the Best Bit of your current reality is a perfect way to enhance the good that is already present. This is an excellent alternative to visioning the as-yet un-manifested elements of life, which can seem so far away we become tempted to strain for it (nb: letting go of straining). Spotting and growing the Best Bit about this moment (and this and this) is such a soft, playful game. An excellent way to hone our perspective.

Awesome.

Today I am playing the Best Bit game.

“The best bit about this moment is….”

********************

Later:

I’m realising, the Best Bit game is powerful, effective, welcome re-training for the brain which lived in amygdala hijack for some many years, and was constantly poised to spot the next threat. This game is the loving, playful antidote to cPTSD. I’m so glad and grateful to be at this point, and to have learnt all I have learnt to get here. I’m so glad to be getting accustomed to scanning the horizon for the glimmers and twinkles, instead of the red flags and sabre-toothed tigers. Yes! This realisation is the best bit of this moment!

********************

This Tara Brach meditation was perfect, especially starting with the inner smile. I am reminded (oh how forgetful we humans are!), that happiness and peace and wellbeing and satisfaction and fulfilment are very subtle states. You can’t bring the problem-smashing sledgehammer to the peace party. It don’t work that way. And to get to the subtle states, one must spend a lot of time in stillness… And, we most acutely spot the Best Bit of any moment in that same still, subtle state. We tend to glimpse and discern the very Best Bit out of the corner of our eye. ?

A surprising realisation: there is so much comfort to be drawn in the actuality of each moment. ❣️

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES – Tara Brach on Insight Timer app … and a talk by her. Deep, wise soul.

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? NO

I drove to Oxford and back over the day, and didn’t factor exercise time in. I realise it might have been best to prioritise a mindful Exercise session of 20 mins over the 20 min Meditation on a day with long contemplative car drives.

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? SO NEARLY!

DRY today? Y E S – I’m so pleased. 

MORNING: My muesli, nuts, berocca. Lunch of ham, salad, frankfurter, pasta (little bit), cheese. 100% choc

EVENING: chicken soup (from a pot) and sauerkraut. Excellent & light. Liquid supper is good, especially if eating late.

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – too wound up from lovely trip

Screens off:     11     Lights out: 11.30

Wake up the next day:        7            Total sleep: 7.5h
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MEDS Day 33: Today I am a sovereign being

I loved the ‘letting go’ practice. It was so wholesome and healthy and ‘undoing’ of tension.

Today, before my 45min long meditation, I set myself these questions, riffing slightly with the notion of the Lasting Power of Attorney:

⭐️ How can I best support my body and brain health and wellbeing for the long term, in the coming week? How best can I secure my financial stability  for the long term, in the coming week?

This is what came through:

Say and affirm: I am a sovereign being. I am sovereign. I am self-governing. I am self-ruling. I am queen of my own country. I am the peace-maker within my own land. I am the sole decision-maker and arbiter across the vast landscapes of my own health, well-being, home and finances. I have the power to choose and decide. My rule is sovereign and complete. My will is upheld. I am the captain of my own ship and the queen of my own country. Amen. 

Yes… This.

Today I am a sovereign being.

********************

Meditation:

20 mins of MEDITATION? YES – 45 min guided med by Rasa Lukosuite – gorgeous

Exercise:

ONE HOUR OF EXERCISE? YES – a walk round the park & then Movements class

#STEPS: c6k

Diet:

BRAIN-MAKER DIET? NEARLY – fell at the last hurdle (bedtime)…

DRY today? NO

MORNING: Coffee

EVENING: Late lunch at 3pm – lunch was perfect low-carb high fat: bed of cabbage, oxtail stew and a few roasted sweet potatoes perched on top. Later, some pork scratchings. Just before bed….. V&DC, crackers, cheese, butter – gave me a very broken, wakeful, unsettled night.

Sleep:

IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – tho I could have been! 

Screens off:    12      Lights out: 12

Wake up the next day:        7            Total sleep: 7h