MEDS Day 93: Today I am playing in Eden

Yesterday, playing “Heart says…”, I heard guidance like:

  • Hold fire
  • Jump in
  • Connect here
  • Help!
  • Have faith

It really is the moment by moment GPS, the instant oracle, the wise guide… Once it said ‘Hold fire’ as I was hustling towards the training session I was giving. I stopped in a quiet spot and ‘held fire’ – immediately I realised I hadn’t yet tuned into the training or the participants or to any higher power consciousness in advance of the session. So I did this and felt a great deal more grounded before I met the participants. The session went really well.

Out of nowhere some music has just started playing out of my phone…!!

“Feeling tired by the fire. The long day is over. The wind is gone… With no reprise the sun will rise. The long day is over.” It’s a Norah Jones song downloaded into my phone but never before played. What does this mean?!

The long day is over. It means you can relax now. The struggle is done.

Really? My Aspie brain says “ahdontknowboutdat!”

The long day is over. The long day is over. The long day is over. Relax. Feel the setting sun on your back.

Am I dying?!

It means, turn ‘struggle’ into ‘taking’. It means replace ‘efforting’ with ‘claiming’. It means ‘take what is good’, as if to do so were the easiest thing on Earth.

Like Eve in the Garden of Eden before the Fall…

Exactly. Remember the days of innocence? Remember those days? Recall the state of ease? Recall it now. When heaven really was a place on Earth. Remember that?

I can reach towards a sense of ease, of abundance, of plucking fruit from all-offering trees. Before the serpent…

Before the serpent. Go there. Return to Eden and revel in it. When we all can live in Eden, from our centre of consciousness, then we can indeed reinstigate it. All is blessed. All is heavenly. All is pure. Go to that ‘place’ and anchor yourself there. Your heart truly exists there already. To go ‘there’ is to align with the state of your heavenly heart.

So, would this be another game to play? Eve in Eden?

Yes. Don’t worry too much about ‘Eve’ as there’s so much complexity in that name alas. But play with the notion of living in Eden, a place of abundance, love, harmony and unity. See it all around you. Play that game. Not so hard in your beautiful new home. But also, not so hard while out and about in your day, or virtually as you communicate with others.

Say: Today I am playing in Eden.

Lovely. Thank you.

Today I am playing in Eden.

MEDS Day 88: Today, I am gathering myself (NB: ‘poise’) -> “I am gathering poise”

We have moved house. What a blessing. May we be ever held in love, peace, joy and health here in this home. And may all who visit know they are held in love, peace, joy and health. May all hearts ever be united in gentleness, kindness and compassion.

My kidneys have really been talking to me in past days. So I googled ‘kidney health’ a bit this morning, and didn’t feel that ‘drink water’ was hitting the core of it, so I let it go. Then I felt inclined to check in on the Energy Synthesis page. Unrelated exploration turned up ‘adrenal fatigue’ and then a whole wiki on Kidneys. I am reminded that the qigong, which puts kidneys at the heart of health, is crucial to my physical health, but also to supporting the development of my energetic system. To put it mildly. Keep processing and detoxing and grounding and clearing and ventilating the system. There are ‘external’ pressures around. Protecting and strengthening the central nervous system is required work in these days. Protect and strengthen the system with strong intent and practice. This is required daily work.

This is the work of sovereignty. Personal sovereignty is our right and responsibility. Work carefully here. This is truly daily work at these times. Let the energy of the heart not be harvested off by others. 

Oof… Meaning?

Hold, articulate and embody the GSF mantra of Lisa Renee: ‘I am God. I am sovereign. I am free.’

How do I embody it?

Embody the GSF paradigm by: 

  • qigong
  • mindful awareness
  • those nature walks you think are for ‘weight loss’…
  • meditation
  • care with speech
  • the state of ‘knowing’
  • affirmation of wellness
  • psychic protection practices
  • 12D awakening

What should I remove from life?

Remove from life:

  • stress
  • effort
  • worry
  • concern
  • shame
  • embarrassment
  • apologies (give thanks instead)
  • people-pleasing
  • ‘rolling-over’
  • inertia
  • freezing
  • lethargy
  • apathy
  • ‘waiting’
  • dawdling
  • drifting

Ah, the drifting business. Yes. It’s all a careful balance, isn’t it? No stress/effort, but no lolling about either. What is the middle ground?

Poise. The middle ground is poise. Practice poise in qigong. Practise poise in meditation. Practice poise in the way you communicate, eat, dress, convey love, plan, write, work. You are invited to slip into the groove of your own train-tracks. This means driving your engine yourself, towards your own destination. Whenever you sense yourself chuffing along someone else’s tracks, under your own steam or someone else’s, know that you are giving that precious kidney qi away. Gather qi. That is the meaning of qigong. So gather yourself, your intentions, your actions. This is the meaning of ‘poise’. This is the tone of ‘God. Sovereign. Free’. Gather yourself. 

Lovely. Thank you. So today, I am gathering myself? Is that the message?

Yes. That is the lesson, message and practice for today. Remember the word ‘poise’. Practice poise by… gathering yourself. 

Today, I am gathering myself (NB: ‘poise’)

Later I realised the message is: I am gathering poise. Beautiful.

MEDS Day 81: Today I am a DOER (decide, organise, execute, result/repeat)

I am grateful for yesterday’s achievements, blessings, confirmations….

  • I started the 30 Day Qigong Challenge – wonderful to be back to QG – it’s so grounding and gathering. I love the emphasis on restoring vitality to the kidneys – just what I need.
  • I felt in high spirits and happy
  • I enjoyed my work calls – especially in the spirit of being out there
  • I had a curious run in with someone, and it was good to talk it through with G.
  • My Dad’s recording is getting some really positive attention. 🙂

Today, I am aware that I have a LOT to do, to keep work moving forward and move house. (Also… there is something on my mind I need to look into today, bravely.)

This morning I finally finished the main text of Reality Transurfing (751 pages, started 15th April 2018) – just the Glossary to go, but that will be a good revision. The final three paragraphs serve as a good reminder of the whole book:

The world is a mirror of your relationship with it only with a delayed reaction. By comparing your relationship to the world with the subsequent reaction of the mirror [ie your apparent current reality] you teach your mind a simple truth and yet one that is difficult for one’s consciousness to truly assimilate: You shape the layer of your world with intention. 

It is also essential to become comfortable with the simple but strange truth that you do not need to be concerned with the means and ways of achieving the goal. One fundamental principle lies at the foundation of this statement: the focus of intention determines the vector of the alternatives flow. 

All you have to do is maintain the focus and let the alternatives flow takes its course. The means of achieving the goal will present itself. You cannot and need not know exactly how the goal will be realised. Whatever happens, if you keep your target slide in mind and observe the principle of coordination the alternatives flow will carry you to your goal. Such is the law. 

(Vadim Zeland, Reality Transurfing pp750-1)

The idea of holding the intention in mind has been the driving factor for setting an intentional “I AM…” statement daily here (and in some previous diaries). Starting with the end in mind… Affirming the outcome before it is made manifest.

What is my best intention today and in life?

To serve those you can with whatever you can. 

Since I started studying post- and near-death experiences in c1997, I’ve been fascinated by the notion that the purpose of our lives is to get on, to unite, to serve, to bring joy to each other, to appreciate/honour creation, to develop ‘spiritual limbs’ for the next world/life. Equally, I’m fascinated by how our inbuilt default operating system, the ego, is set (or hell-bent?!) on heading in the opposite direction, towards separation, othering, winning, jazzhanding, standing out, glamour, disunity, tribalism, judgment, scathing, complaint, scarcity.

I’m also interested in my own autism (self-ism?!) and how it does and does not serve my higher purpose to unite with others. There’s a whole book there. It’s all beautiful. I k autism to be a spiritual gift. More anon.

My next question. How can I best hold in mind, joyfully and persistently, the intention to ‘To serve those you can with whatever you can’ and how can I do so without lending it way too much ‘importance’ and creating vibrational overload?

The best way to hold the intention to serve in mind consistently and yet lightly is… your gonna love this… to get organised

Why get organised? For you, dear precious soul, this is about freely channelling your ‘special interest mind’ and your practical energies. You have a general longing to connect and give and serve. Get organised in order to channel this longing in to the icing dispenser which will give you accurate and precise AIM to decorate the cake of your life as you would have it appear. 

If you got truly organised, you would note that you have too much on in your life. The reason you don’t get organised is that the way your life is set up it doesn’t actually fit in to the time available. You are busting out of your suitcase, so much to that you can’t actually shut your suitcase and travel; instead you make do with leaving it open on the floor with stuff tipping out of it. You call that living. 

Harsh, man…

We are rallying you to a new way of life. Very simple. Very streamlined. You want to serve others? Really? You’re going to have to sacrifice the fluff, the fear, the frenzy, the hand-flapping, the slapping water, the misfires, the confidence-boosters. What do you want to do? Hm? What is your service? Why aren’t you doing it now? And now? And now?

Maybe I am!

Name it. 

To love, to honour, to create happiness, to foster unity, to resolve conflict, to empower people to move beyond mental ill health…


Now get organised. Because intentions like that attract nonsense energies. Ok? You know what we mean. And it’s now more than ever. You need to be clean, lean, mean. This is why your word of the month is DECIDED. 

Ah yes… That book, about foxing the devil or something. I remember it’s main tenet: don’t be a drifter.

You decide and do your Work. Or, you drift and get diverted. There’s no middle ground. You can have good intentions, but if your first intention isn’t to ACT vigorously, resiliently and steadfastly, then the other intentions are mere tumbleweeds on the prairies. 

Wow. How do I get energised around being DECIDED?

Again: get organised. Decide, organise, execute, repeat…

Ha! “DOER”!! Excellent! I AM a ‘DOER’; I decide, organise, execute, repeatOk. I’ll practise this today.

Yes. Test it out. Only with tracking the decisions, and then observing the results, will you convince your mind that it is safe/wise to make strong DECISIONS. Your heart knows its truth very clearly. The mind is the slow one. Retrain your mind to be a DOER. Start small and work up. 

Thank you. I love this.

Today I am a DOER (decide, organise, execute, result/repeat)

MEDS Day 80: Today I am focussing gently on being ‘out there’

Lady_Godiva_(John_Collier,_c._1897) Herbert Art Gallery Public Domain

An intense yet beautiful day yesterday. I found it helpful to bring together the knowledge of ‘I am loved’ alongside the internal strains around supporting my father to share his brilliant work (not to mention endless technical difficulties). Eventually we were able do a recording – I felt my heart just opening up and soaring as he spoke with such genius and eloquence in front of the recording devices. At the end, he said he might cry… It was terribly moving. He is such an extraordinary thinker. We even managed to upload the recording to Soundcloud. Amazing. Did I feel loved? Yes, I did. In Dad’s own inimitable way. Much of the love was expressed in his… trusting me with his thoughts, concerns, worries, yearnings. Thank you, darling Dad, for that trust.

And this morning, I woke up to a text from my beloved youngest – the much longed for ‘first text of the new term at uni’. Yes – the cycle of love is all bound up in the generations.

So, today. A restful working day at home. I’ve taken time to reflect on the MEDS protocols again.

MEDITATION: use Quiet Time with coffee in the morning as my time of reflection, inspiration, writing, reading, prayer. Some of this is formal sitting meditation, but much of it is about building ‘loving awareness’ (Ram Dass) of what is through interacting with the written word, and settling/directing my thinking-mind, and settling my state of consciousness.

Shelton QigongEXERCISE: yesterday as I was puffing through Day 16 of the 30 Day Yoga Challenge with the wonderful Adriene, it dawned on me that, with the return of adrenal fatigue again (really since Dec), maybe even yoga is just too much for my body to accommodate without sending out stress signals. in other words, the yoga may be leaning on my adrenals, and ironically, thus making me fatter and more inflamed. But I love the variety of the 30 day challenge – it overcame the issue I had of trying to chose a qigong video every day. I suddenly thought – surely someone has done a 30 day Qigong Challenge?! And yes! I like this guy already. Going to start his challenge today. Thanks for everything this month, Adriene – maybe I’ll be back!

I’ve created a tracker I can use to note the day’s exercise each day:

MEDS exercise tracker

DIET: My aim this month is to get my head (and impulsiveness) around Intermittent Fasting. I’m going to get The Obesity Code as an audiobook when my phone arrives (ordered one today at last!!!). I had this idea to just start becoming aware of my eating window, with the principles of:

  • ‘delay don’t deny’
  • hunger is often thirst
  • my kidneys and adrenal glands need rest, detoxing and bolstering
  • water/broth/bouillon/tea/electrolytes/ACV instead of food is generally more than fine!
  • late night snacking became a thing…
  • Dr Bergman has coffee with cream and other liquids until 1.30 – and actually I think that might work for me
  • just need to check that delaying breakfast isn’t putting unnecessary strain on my kidneys [DRINK THE DRINKS (in the morning – not just coffee) and it won’t be a strain at all!]
  • my new tracker will be a good aid:

MEDS eating tracker

The thing about printed trackers dotted around the house is they both remind me visually when I’m at certain, associated spots in the house,  and they give me instant kinaesthetic feedback when I fill them in. Also, for the Obliger type (low internal accountability; high external accountability) – the tracker acts as a gentle kind of SEA (system of external accountability).

SLEEP: I’m spinning on 6h30… You know, I think S is for STRESS as much as SLEEP. Stress reduces my ability to sleep. They are intertwined. I need to arrange my worklife so it is less stressy, like G’s. He works from home 95% of the time. He is not darting from place to place losing energy. Time to get the Acuity Scheduling sorted for offering my online services. It’s nearly there!

Well this is all nice and productive. Today’s messages?

Good work, dear soul. Do you ever get the sense that messages are trying to get in, and you are busy pushing them away? 

Not really. I try to be open to them.

Lady_Godiva_(John_Collier,_c._1897) Herbert Art Gallery Public DomainWhat about the ones which would leave you feeling like Lady Godiva riding naked through the town? 

Hm… Yeah I maybe do dodge those ones.

That is the cause of your stress. 

What?! Oh my lordy be… What is this funny old world like?!!

Lady Godiva rode naked through the streets of Coventry ‘to gain a remission of the oppressive taxation that her husband imposed on his tenants’. In other words, in your language, she ‘took one for the team’. The term Peeping Tom comes from that incident, when a man called Tom looked out at her passing by. But mostly, people looked away as she passed, to protect her dignity, and honour her sacrifice. 

And this is to say…?

Mostly, no one looks, stares, or points when we do something for the greater good. But fearing ‘the reaction of others’ is what paralyses most people from acting altruistically. You feel ‘naked’ when you do something for the greater good. But in reality, that feeling is just your self-consciousness (aka ego) making noise to distract you from your actual (soul’s) purpose. 

So, what things am I dodging doing out of a fear of feeling naked and exposed? Let’s revise this please.

Ask yourself. 

I am! 😀   Ok…. Let’s go inside…. What things am I dodging doing out of a fear of feeling naked and exposed….?

Publishing and Marketing come to mind. It’s hardly securing the remission of taxes for the townsfolk… but these matters do hit that sweetspot of ‘should do but it feels like high risk self-exposure’….

Bingo. A worker’s work is to be worked ‘out there’…

I’m hearing the encouragement. Maybe I need another tracker, for the daily ‘Publish/Marketing’ work. Tbh, my new phone will help. It’s been hard to be ‘out there’ with a phone that is so full it can’t accommodate apps like LinkedIn, Twitter, IG, FB, WordPress… It’s just got to be part of the morning ritual hasn’t it? That’s what worked before… And while I was doing Plan/Publish/Yesterbox even before the Quiet Time hour, I think I’ll shove it into the working part of the day now – this is my Work Morning Ritual kick off.

Current Morning Ritual:

  1.  Kitchen – coffee, machines, supplement, lunch planned, straighten up
  2. QT – Quiet Time – writing, reading, meditation (aka Inspo hour – I know, but it fits..)
  3. Body Hour – 30 mins Qigong; 30 mins Shower/dress
  4. Office Hour – Plan, publish, yesterbox, finances
  5. Lunch

Focus gently on being ‘out there’ today, dear soul. You have worked so hard on being ‘in there’. It’s just brilliant, and we see you shining and radiant and internally peaceful. Now, it’s time to be ‘out there’ shining your light in the world. Ok? It’s not just about money and earning – why should it be when your work is now geared so obviously towards helping others? But it is about riding confidently through the streets so the people who need help can find you. Be brave. Be out there. 

Today I am focussing gently on being ‘out there’




MEDS Day 69: Today I am having Financial Dialogues

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

  • Family birthday party. Afterwards I circulated photos of the happy time of the six of us together, to the wider family group. In response, my eldest (who had also hosted the party) wrote these freaking awesome words: ‘Dear god. When children are born after the apocalypse and go scrounging for scraps, these are the photos they’ll find. They’ll hide them under their makeshift pillows or tuck them into their belts and one day, when they’re battle-scarred teens, they will take out these photos. Huddled around the campfire, they will say in hushed voices “I found these. I don’t know who they were… but they look happy. One day I’d like to be happy like this. I like to wonder what they’re eating, and I pretend I knew them. Their names change, and sometimes that’s my sister, or my aunt, or my friends, but we’re always happy together. Sometimes when I’m having a bad day, I look at these people. I don’t think they had a single worry in the world. One day that’ll be me… that’ll be me.”‘
  • A SECOND DAY IN BED – yes, the ‘Stop’ continued….

So, with some reluctance and hesitation, I did stop on the Sunday, and then again on the Monday (yesterday). I realised I was looking at dodging the v clear ‘instruction’ to STOP because I didn’t want to let people down for the plans on Sunday. But I was ill! Stopping was good. My word, I’ve been so wired and active for so long. There’s been so much movement – almost weekly trips to London; in the office; out of the office. And crazy pressures galore. No wonder I was starting to balloon: sympathetic overdrive knocks my sleep and causes me to gain weight. Rest allows my body to get out of sympathetic overdrive.

I used the resting time for reading. I’m nearly at the end of the book I’ve been reading bit by bit since April, Reality Transurfing. I so enjoy it and it has been the most wonderful support in aiding me to take loving control of my thoughts, so that they bring me peace. In terms of mental health recovery, we might call this CBT or DBT. For my heart, it is like coming home. It seems that mastery of our noisy (and often ego-centric, fearful, aversion-orientated) mental thought allows our heart, our intention, our soul and our spirit to step forward and participate as equal partners in our lives. This thought mastery is the gradual work of a happy lifetime. The pages I read reminded me of some important principles:

  • ‘use thought energy in a deliberate focused manner’ p644
  • ‘the world is like a mirror that reflects your relationship to it’ p646
  • ‘As long as the mind does not contradict the wishes of the heart and vice versa an unfathomable power emerges’ ibid
  • ‘The world is always looking after you, no matter what… It is essential to learn to trust…. Say to yourself “I let my world take care of me.”‘ p653
  • ‘Think about what you want and are striving to achieve, rather than the things you do not want or try to avoid.’  p664
  • ‘Your attention must be focussed on the end goal as if it had already been reached.’ p674
  • ‘Embrace any reflection [in the mirror] as positive.’ p678
  • ‘The world always complies’ [with whatever we think of it – pos/neg] .678
  • Raise your energy levels and… ‘if you want your energy to work for you it is essential that you focus it in the specific direction of a goal’ p701

I know my goal, my ‘target slide’ as RT calls the vision we hold in mind of the goal complete… It’s to do with reaching peace and teaching peace, through dialogue, with individuals and groups, in person and via writing. Is it ok to share this here?

Yes. As G says, you’re signalling clearly to the universe at the moment. 

Is it bold or pompous or presumptuous to talk about ‘teaching peace’?

Only if you think peace is something fancy, out-there, elevated or elite… Do you?

No. I think it’s our basic right, really. And our natural state. We just are fed so much alternative nonsense that it’s hard to get to inner peace or outer peace – to such detriment and waste of life.

Also, the ‘reaching peace’ is part of the cycle for me. It’s not like I’ve mastered any of this. But, a person who wants to become a better yoga practitioner, and serve the art, might become a yoga teacher. It’s like that. I want to learn to communicate with myself and others for peace.

I feel self-conscious now.

Allow your world to bring you what you desire. Then the next goal can come into play. These are all just passing chapters which add up to a larger book. You are describing factors for learning which are planted in you by you to come forward. You’re innocent in this process. There is no need to apologise for what is in you. Hopefully you would say the same to the next person. 

Ok. Thank you. Well, let’s focus on today. I’m rested after a couple of days in bed, and my cold is much better. I worked on stopping and GoSlo-ing and ‘the Power of No’ and ‘feeling groovy’ and relational presence last week.  I embedded the morning personal Housekeeping Habits quite successfully, I must say. I made big decisions about lifestyle changes for 2019. What is this week and day all about?

Safety and security. 

Really?! Am I in danger?

You are in danger of omitting to take care of your basic needs. Again. 

Say what?

This money business, dear soul. It ain’t going to sort itself out. And you know that clearing any financial ‘hangovers’ within the year is good energetic hygiene. Furthermore, you know that creating a pipeline of work (that you actually WANT to do) for next year, is going to give you a sense of ‘safety and security’, especially when it comes to moving house in February. 

Now is the time to lay down the year’s harvest carefully. Don’t skip this stage, out of an over-willingness to oblige others’ requests for your emails / plans / attention / Christmas-cheer. Ok? 

I know exactly what you mean. I get a kick out of ‘being there’ to attend to others’ needs, in the work environment particularly. But it’s not healthy. Because I do it rather than meet my own safety needs. I need to put my own oxygen mask on first.

Financial security is oxygen. What do you need to do to be / feel financially secure?

Ah… I need to tilt my prioritisation. In terms of use of time and energy.

What stops you? 

‘Don’t want to be rude to others’ – rising again.

Again, the reminder: you can help others best when you have helped yourself first. 

Scaredy feeling arising…

Your world will take care of you if you allow it. Take the steps you need to take to restore financial order, and the world will do the rest. Trust in this. 

You said you had an aim to ‘reach peace’. 

Know that reaching financial peace is a crucial part of the jigsaw puzzle. 

Now, put your Special Interest: Peace through Dialogue hat on and have the conversations you need to have to allow that long-awaited Financial Peace to float in to harbour. 

Right. So, this is… about having Financial Dialogues?


Ok. Today I am having Financial Dialogues, for my own Financial Peace.


Wow. Ok. These posts don’t get much more ‘transparent’ than this one…

Today I am having Financial Dialogues, for my own Financial Peace.


Note to self: ‘Dream it to beam it’ and Meditation

I came to the realisation yesterday that ‘if you can dream it, you can beam it’ (on to the mirror of your reality). Therefore, getting regularly in to what I’d call ‘dream mode’ (trance-like, relaxed, semi-conscious state) with a goal softly in mind, is invaluable. And this is partly why we Meditate: to access dream mode with an intention held softly in mind, so that we can dream it and beam it. Without this practice, maybe we are actively choosing to stay in reactive mode. 

Oprah (in an interview for Wrinkle in Time movie) said ‘I am a powerful manifester. You have to meet the vibration of that which you desire, exactly – not above or below the vibration.’ I think, in meditation, especially with good exercise, diet and sleep alongside, we get better at setting our vibration at will

Today, I meet the vibration of she who has the financial dialogues that secure financial peace. 

Second note to self: Tendril Theory by Erin Human

This comic below provided a useful observation yesterday in terms of Switch 202020 and my focus on learning to switch attention at will. It fits also with the growing ability to go into Dream Mode, or set vibration at will. It points to why my neurology allows me to deep-dive, and also struggles to change directions. I can learn better over time how to do a quick and purposeful tendril retraction… Like, now, when I’m running over my allotted Housekeeping Habits time on this post by an hour… Tendrils: In! 

Thanks, Erin Human – spot on. See her article here. 


Tentril Theory by Erin Human
Tentril Theory by Erin Human:



MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here): Tuesday
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med | Aerobic | Qigong 20:
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food Til evening
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books No!
Med minutes 20 mins
Active minutes 15
Steps 5000
Food: ?  
Dry?  No
Screens off /
In bed (with books..)
Sleep Window
12.30 – 6.30
Hours slept (as per FitBit data next morning) 6h12m… 🙁


MEDS Day 65: Today I am forming the habit of going slowly


I am grateful for yesterday’s….

  • Amazing focus on forming good habits
  • Decision to see what happens when I give myself up to all the ‘boring’ things that need to be done on a daily basis to keep myself healthy and well.
  • The realisation that ideally I need to spend FIVE hours a day on personal housekeeping habits, to retain balance and wellbeing.
  • A return to the idea that I keep mornings for the internal work and open afternoons up for meetings / appointments.
  • Hence: 7am – 12 noon would normally be scheduled for Housekeeping Habits, of which there are about 7… I’ll add them tomorrow.
  • This morning I have an early start, so I am simply concertina-ing down those Habits – but, importantly, touching on them all, to embed the step from one to the next.

What would you have me know, be, do or say today, dear wisdom of my being?

Go slow…

Golly. One day that will stop arising…!

Form the habit of going slowly. 

Like G goes slowly from room to room..?

Indeed. This week is about habit-forming. Today’s habit is that of going slowly, which also of course means starting-in-good-time, so you can approach each new task and event slowly and without haste, speed, rush, panic – for your own health but also so that when you meet people you are able to touch them with an energy of peace. 

Versus touching them with the electric shock of fluster and force?


Yes. I hear you. Good advice. Thank you. I shall don my GoSlo…! Ha I quite like that – like a GoPro-style speed camera on the head, that observes one’s speed and let’s you know when you are speeding (internally or externally). I guess the FitBit does that too with the heart rate indicator… But yes, I shall self-observe with my imagined personal GoSlo. Nice

Today I am forming the habit of going slowly.


MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med | Aerobic | Qigong 2:0:1 – early start
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food yes, til eve
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books Nope… 12.30pm
Med minutes 2
Active minutes 14
Steps 8475
Food: Coffee&cream; muesli&blueberries; lentils&broccoli; ChristmasPartyPorkBelly&ChristmasPudding… 3 glasses of white wine
Dry?  No – 3 x wine
Screens off 12.30pm
In bed (with books..) Slept 12.30 – 7.27
Hours slept (as per next morning) 6h18m


MEDS Day 62: Today I am soft-hearted (“Gently does it.”)

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

  • Development of this site… as a resource for exploring, learning about and teaching ‘peace through dialogue’ – the plunge begins, gently, softly.
  • A mini-Download Hour – even 10:10:10 is so good! It’s the habit of getting up and out – the trot raises my heart rate to peak for a minute or so and that is such a kick start.
  • A new mediation case beginning successfully (initial meeting),  and meeting a new co-mediator – such inspiring conversations with her.
  • Getting a new professional brochure drafted up – and reviewing the work of 2018 – amazing to look back!
  • Finding, gulp, I was featured in a national newspaper in Nov – an account of my mental health recovery and autism. We’re truly out there.
  • Shortness of sleep (!) – my new FitBit is showing me my patterns very starkly…! NB When I sleep little I put on weight – sleeping is slimming for me! (Catching incentives where you find them…)

Yesterday, listening softly to the whisperings of my heart was so moving. Funnily enough, it wasn’t so much that which was heard (though that was so beautiful, and wise), but the motion of softening to listen. Oh my goodness – how often I steel myself (from my heart outwards) to take the smallest action!! Every time I softened to lean in and listen, I got a bit wiser…! I realised that, by typically steeling my heart in order to do the smallest thing (write an email, go from room to room, meet people, talk to people…), I am by definition cutting myself off from the small, soft voice of wisdom, just when I need it most. 

For example, I met an old colleague for a coffee yesterday. Mindful of the day’s theme, I decided to keep my heart (chest, inner state…) soft. I gently countered each habitual impulse to rally, over-exert, over-communicate, jazzhand, assure-him-of-my-enthusiastic-listening… The change in the quality of the conversation was extraordinary. I felt we actually communed. And guess what? I didn’t feel exhausted after the time together, as I usually would.

The same with the mediation meeting, and with debriefing with my co-mediator. And in feedback, my co-mediator mentioned that I had been a very calm, grounded presence. This is all so new, so subtle, such a discovery!

I had EXHAUSTED myself over the years! It’s the ‘girding the heart’ action that did it. Why could I not see it?!

And again, softly… 

Ha! Yes… I keep running away from the oxygen tank and getting yanked back by the tube…

Softly… So… How can you cultivate this new ‘soft-heartedness’ today? 

By maintaining consciousness of it? Ho-hum, I can feel the ‘clench’ setting in for the day already! How have I put up with this for so long?!

Ask the Heart…

Why did I make you clench every day, in order to get things done, dear Heart?

Heart: To protect yourself from my disappointing voice! 

Excuse me?

Heart: Your Mind wanted you to be driven by power, excitement, drive, determination. But I as your Heart have more-or-less but one message, and it contravenes the agenda of your (somewhat frightened, scarcity-orientated) Mind: “Gently does it…” 

Ah, and I ‘thought’ that if I take a ‘gently does it’ approach, nothing would get done…

Heart: And that you would sink without trace. 

So I kept paddling.

Heart: You didn’t know that I was offering you a life-jacket, in which you could lie back and float comfortably in the water…

I kind of heard you, but I didn’t trust you. But you were patient, eh?

Heart: And my, weren’t you resistant? 🙂 

So this clenching business I do. What does it feel like to you?

Heart: Like you’re putting your hand over my mouth, and yet shoving me forward, like a hostage-taker. 

Eek. And yesterday, when I went softly, and I prioritised listening to you, and keeping the channel of communication open, how did it feel to you?

Heart: Like breathing again. 

Aha. Ok. I’m sorry for the suffocation.

Heart: S’ok, pal! 

So, today, I am going to seek to practice, maintain and learn about that soft-hearted state – and continue to reflect, softly, softly, on what happens when my day is based around keeping an ear out for your small, soft, wise, genius, kind voice.

Heart: Don’t forget, I am here for you. 

Thank you! I will look to learn about what that means. Please teach me.

Soft blessings to all today. May the world enjoy more peace than ever before.

Heart: Soft-Heartedness suits you. 

Thanks. 🙂 You too…

Remember today:  “Gently does it…” 

Today I am soft-hearted. (“Gently does it.”)


MEDS Trackers Dec2018 (chart here):
Med&Ex: Download Hour – Med | Aerobic | Qigong Nope…
Diet: Chopchopchop – mindful, plant-based food Little bit
Sleep: Sleepstate: 9Screens, 10Books Nope…
Med minutes 10
Active minutes 40
Steps 7000
Food: veg and then potato delights!
Dry?  No
Screens off 12
In bed (with books..) 12
Hours slept (as per next morning) 7


MEDS Day 56: Today I am settling into ‘relaxed organisation’

Mindful Movement mediationMindful Movement mediation

I am grateful for yesterday’s….

  • Productivity (emails, marketing, reading, prep) – albeit in bed all day with tiredness
  • The cancellation of my work capability assessment at the last minute – what a relief
  • Sense of colleagues in my work
  • Cottage Pie & online Scrabble <3
  • Watching ‘A Northern Soul‘ on BBC2

It’s been a roller-coaster of a few days. Where are we now?

Settle for a little bit… Go inside… Feel what’s there. Rest there for a bit. Retune, recalibrate, reconnect. What’s there?

Gosh. “DESIRE TO MOVE (FORWARD)” Really strong. Unexpected.

So, that Desire To Move is a manifestation of readiness brewed up over time. A sense of potential. A sense of engines revving. A sense of being ready for chocks away. 

Well, that’s good, isn’t it? I really want to capitalise on what I’ve achieved this year. It’s been a full-on year. Huge achievements, surprises, gifts, opportunities. I’d like to streamline it. I’m ready to cease feeling tired, overwhelmed and confused. I’m ready to start feeling… yes, streamlined.

What do you need to do, be or have to feel streamlined? 

Um… I think I need control over my own destiny a bit. Partly, I’m tired for working hard for not enough money. It’s not sustainable.

Is this about setting up an entity? (eg company)

I just don’t know, mate. I need guidance.

Guidance: ‘Clear the decks.’

This means: Radically simplify your life, surroundings, patterns, plans, expectations. 

So, no plans for now. Just clear the decks. Radically simplify.

It’s fine to capitalise on this year. Capture it, but don’t let it lead to proliferation. 

Proliferation – the spiralling out of endless new bespoke work etc…

That’s right. It’s time to ‘repeat the gaze’. In other words, narrow down the activity. 

What does my best 2019 look like?

Slow down. First… clear the decks, capture/capitalise/close 2018. 

Like winter drawing in. The leaves falling. The tree preparing to bear itself again. Ready for a fresh burst of leaves in the spring.

That’s the ticket. 

How? How do I do that ppppuuuuussssssshhhhhhh? I’ve got a room to clear…. So many personal possessions to let go of… Decisions to make on what has had it’s time.

That’s right. Hold the vision and get very peaceful inside. Less pushing. More releasing gratefully. Many belongings and ideas have had their time. Let them go. Time for mediation…


Mindful Movement mediationMindful Movement mediation
Mindful Movement mediation

That was lovely. Really grounding and beautiful. It gave me the opportunity to work with ‘clear the decks’. I saw a mindmap on my wall of everything I’d like to do to bring ‘closure, celebration, capitalising..’ to 2018. I realised my underlying need is for ‘relaxed organisation‘. I must say, playing Switch20:20:20 is brilliant for this. These days sometimes I’m going for Switch20:40 – typically 20 minutes up and about in the body, and 40 mins of seated work. It breaks my ‘rabbit hole’ tendencies and supports me to plan and execute tasks in do-able chunks. So, ‘relaxed organisation’ is in the spirit of ‘inner softness is the precursor to inner strength. I realised in the mediation:

OLD ORGANISATION style: withdraw / hide / avoid… then put on a suit of armour, rev up the engines (fuelled by caffeine and sugar..) and attack the tsumani of overwhelm! Pppppuuuuuusssssshhhhhhhh!

NEW ORGANISATION style: settle the ANS; move into PSNS (parasympathetic nervous system); visualise the organised outcome; reach into inner softness; let inner strength start to make itself felt; move forward in a relaxed, trusting, gentle manner.

So, let’s wind up.

Action 1: Create the 2018 Clear The Decks Mindmap (Closure, Celebration, Capitalising)

Action 2: Settle into ‘relaxed organisation’

Today I am settling into ‘relaxed organisation’.



MEDITATION? YES – 17 mins with Mindful Movement (above)




DRY today? YES / NO

MORNING: My muesli,



Screens off:          Lights out:

Wake up the next day:                    Total sleep:


MEDS Day 49: Today I am travelling lightly

James Brown "Get on up..."

I am grateful for yesterday’s…

  • Successful training. One participant said, “The best session I’ve ever been to.” And she’s been at the company since 1985. 🙂
  • Energy to bring it all together yesterday, and to be roughly present to people, while managing my cortisol levels.
  • Support (emotional, logistical) from colleagues, and from my dear generous Love.
  • An evening in bed…

So, playing Switch20:20:20… I couldn’t hold concentration yesterday. It was such a full-on day… But I am this morning. I’ve been awake since 5.45am – got up at 6am, and have been Switching every 20 mins since.

The wisdom of theSwitch20:20:20 game includes: 

  • the regular break up of flow and attention forces one to consider, ‘is this activity the best use of my time now?’ – often I find I’ve gone down a rabbit hole…! Good to pull back and out and refocus.
  • the nudge to get the ‘little things’ done, those things I can overlook / dodge, but the execution of which improves one’s sense of wellbeing and order. Eg. just now I bust out of sitting-working mode, got up, and unpacked and put away all my training materials from yesterday. Ace.
  • the reminder that you can always come back to the all-consumingly enjoyable thing – it’s just you don’t have to finish it now… Instead, when the 20 mins is up, break out of the zone and… Get up, get on up…..stay on the scene… like a sex machine…

James Brown "Get on up..."
James Brown “Get on up…”

So, on to today.

Today, is a sombre day – the funeral of a dear relative. So, soon I will be leaving the house and back later in the evening. Your advice for the day?

Travel lightly

‘Travel’ or ‘tread’?

Travel – as in ‘carry oneself forward, bear oneself onward’. Be soft as the breeze in the way you move; be uplifted, weightless, without gravity or gravitas. Carry with you the soft breezes of love. And return home with energy to spare. Breathe in the air; breathe out the air. Do not rush, hasten, or harry yourself. 

I’m travelling with my lovely eldest.

Your day is about being with her too. 

And seeing my lovely family…

Breathe it all in. These are precious days. Precious moments. They can be lost to over-pacing. Travel lightly as air. The theme ‘Get up, get on up’ carries here. We get up, and we travel lightly… onwards, forwards. When we travel lightly we are moving, while remaining present to what is happening now. We are not fixated on the future (and therefore missing the present riches)… We are appreciating and enjoying the passing scenery with equanimity.

Doll on wheels gliding along
Doll on wheels gliding along

Like a doll on wheels gliding along…

If you will. 🙂

So now, it’s time to move softly on with the day. Get up (lightly), get on up (softly), stay in the scene, like a love machine… 

Nice. Well that’s the song for the day..! Onwards we go, lightly, softly…

Today I am travelling lightly






DIET – Brainmaker? No

DRY today? No

Time / Intake:

8am – soup and spinach 9am cereal 1pm buffet sandwiches, tea, wine

later – chicken and salad… wine


Screens off:     11     Lights out: 11

Wake up the next day:         4am           Total sleep: 5


MEDS Day 42: Today I am experiencing how easy my life is now

I am grateful for yesterday’s…

  • meditation
  • journey to London on the train
  • writing
  • accompaniment (remotely) by my Love
  • sense of ease….
  • free London hotel and train!
  • pizza and beer

My guided meditation from Insight Timer was brilliant yesterday. It gave me this rich phrase:

“Attend neutrally”

Out of meditating in that state, a new state arose as I got myself out of the house and off for my train trip to London. It went like this…

“My life is so easy these days…”

And I just kept riffing on that phrase internally, introducing it to various moments in my day: “It’s so easy to travel on this train. It’s so easy to walk instead of take the tube. I’ve had my train and hotel covered for me – my life is so easy these days….” And my goodness, the softening that is occurring in me. Just so nourishing. The resistance to life and ‘what is’ is fading away in me… The realisation of ease is dawning.

I’ll be brief today as I’m off to speak about my experience of mental health recovery at a big conference… Eek! Eeeeeeaaaaasssssyyyyyy does it.

Today I am experiencing how easy my life is these days.



20 mins of MEDITATION? NO



#STEPS : 10k – walk instead of tube



DRY today?  NO

MORNING: Hotel ham, egg, muesli, yoghurt; conference salmon & salad

EVENING: sausage roll canapes, power bowl at Burrito place, wine, pint of cider

Being a carb-dodger all my life is just going to have to become ingrained (forgive the pun) in me… I will eventually give in to this way of life and be pleased with it. Likewise, being an alcohol-dodger... that needs to settle in me when it can.


IN BED WITH MY BOOKS BY 10pm? NO – super wired by my day

Screens off:    1      Lights out: 1

Wake up the next day:       7             Total sleep: 6h